Archive of Our Own ^beta

For as far as she can remember, April had wanted to be a doctor. She knows that practicing medicine is her calling, had known that since she was 8 and had watched the Kepner's family doctor set her sister Libby's shoulder, but it's a bit hard to conjure up that excitement when you're being puked on or doing rectal exams. Life as an intern is nothing like she thought it would be when she was in med school, and though she knows it will get better, the only thing she wants right know is to go home and crawl into her bed.

She's at the end of a very busy shift that had her helping in the ER, and she sighs as she hands a patient's chart to the nurse behind the reception area. A look at her watch informs her that it's almost 11 pm. She still has to be there for another 30 minutes, but the resident she was assigned to today told her to take a breather and that he would page her if he needed her. So her plan for the end of her shift was to grab something to eat and then head to OR 3, where Jackson Avery was doing his first procedure. She had been a bit jealous when he'd been picked earlier that day among all of the interns to scrub in, because the only times she had been in a OR so far had been observing or relaying a message to the surgeons operating. She knows her day would come though, and she couldn't wait, so she made up her mind that it was only fair to go observe Jackson's procedure as a show of support, because she's not sure the other interns will be as magnanimous. She's not popular, has never been – the party Charles Percy is currently throwing and to which she hasn't been invited is just the latest proof –, but she was raised with the idea of helping her community and support people, not to undermine them at every turn. Yeah, given the competitive field she's in, it's no wonder she's not well-liked by her intern class.

She's waiting for her order at the coffee cart in the main lobby of Mercy West when an elegantly dressed woman, who looks to be in her early fifties, accosts her.

"Are you an intern?"

"I- Um, yes?"

She doesn't know why she phrases it like a question. It's been two months since she entered the intern program of Mercy West, but it still feels weird to say she's an intern or a doctor. It's like she's a child who has been playing pretend the whole time, and terms like "intern" and "doctor" only apply to grown-ups.

"Perfect," the woman answers, unbothered by her hesitation. "You're just what I was looking for."

April pays for her coffee and turns to the woman, thinking she had misheard her.

"You were looking for...?"

The woman guides her away from the queue, towards a quieter spot in the lobby. April is too dumbfounded to resist and follows her easily, praying the woman is just a distressed loved one of a patient and not a weirdo she'll have trouble to get away from. This shift keeps getting better and better.

"I'm so rude, I haven't even introduced myself! I'm Catherine, Catherine Avery. And you are...?"

April freezes. Sure, the name Avery in itself is not seldom in the US, but this particular combination is not that common. She has seen a grainy black and white picture once, in an old medical journal, and she's not that good with faces, but she's pretty sure she's talking to the Catherine Avery. Renowned urologist, brilliant trailblazer, pioneer of complex surgical techniques, author of award-winning papers, and one of April's personal heroes. She must be dreaming.

She's starstruck, but she still has manners, so she manages to utter a "Kepner. I mean, April Kepner."

"Nice to meet you, April Kepner."

"You are... Doctor Avery?"

"That would be me, yes."

"THE doctor Avery?"

The woman smiles, clearly happy with the recognition. Well, April muses, she guesses that when most people say "the doctor Avery", they must refer to Harper Avery, but with all the respect she has for the legendary surgeon, she's more interested in Catherine's career. Women supporting women, the sisterhood and all that.

"Yes, the doctor Avery," Catherine answers with a chuckle.

At that, the questions stop and the rambling begins.

"Dr. Avery! Wow, I mean... I'm sorry, I'm a little starstruck, I'm just such a huge fan," April babbles, not caring if she sounds like a teenager meeting her favorite rockstar. "I took an urology class in med school because of you, I did my final dissertation on your paper about the prevention of complications after hypospadias repairs, I found it so insightful, and-"

"Well thank you dear, I'm flattered," Catherine answers, not at all bothered by her rambling. She must be used to people fawning over her though, April is not the first, probably won't be the last. April doesn't care, because she's speaking with Dr. Avery. Her inner nerd is screaming right now, and she clears her throat, trying to think for a minute.

"I- how can I help you Dr. Avery? Do you want me to bring you to the Chief of surgery's office? No wait he's not here, he left a few hours ago and won't be here until the morning, it's almost midnight."

She looks back at Catherine, as realization hits her.

"It's almost midnight..."

"So what am I doing here at this hour?" the older woman finishes for her with a wry smile.

April nods, not trusting herself to speak. Who is she to interrogate Dr. Avery on her schedule?

"Actually, that's where you can help me. I'm sure you know that my son is in your intern class. And a little birdie told me he would be doing his first procedure tonight, after it was pushed back several times because of a few emergencies."

April widens her eyes.

"How... how did you know?"

"I'm Catherine Avery, dear. I know these things."

April nods again, as if it's a common truth that yes, of course Catherine knows everything. She's also still unsure of where this conversation is going, so she doesn't trust herself to add anything.

"And I'm going to ask you one question. Can I trust you?"

This time April is pretty sure she's dreaming.

"Trust me? Really? I mean yes you can, of course Dr. Avery, I-"

"Good. Now I know this can be a little... unorthodox, but what I would really like is for you to help me sneak into the OR's gallery so I can watch my baby boy's procedure."

Whatever April was expecting, this was not it.

"Sneak into the gallery? I'm sorry, but why would you need to sneak into...? You're..."

"Catherine Avery, yes, and that's why. I would prefer not to make a big fuss. I really don't want to let people know I'm here and have them pamper me like they usually do. And I particularly don't want Jackson to know."

April is not that close to Jackson, her roommate Reed is usually the one socializing with their coworkers, but from what she's seen so far, she senses that Jackson doesn't want to rely on his family name or draw attention to it. She doesn't know the extent of the relationship between mother and son, but she can imagine that knowing his mother is watching his first surgery would only add to his nerves and destroy his daily efforts to blend in.

But still, sneak someone in? She's afraid Catherine has picked exactly the wrong person for the job. April lives by the book, she's a rule-follower, always has been, something that has been enforced all her life by years of religious teachings and by her parents. Reed's nickname for her when she met her was "goody two-shoes". So not breaking rules is a huge thing for her. Especially in a hospital, where breaking rules can lead to serious consequences she doesn't even want to imagine.

On the other hand, the one asking her to bend the rules is Catherine freaking Avery. And it's the middle of the night. And technically speaking, Catherine's a doctor, so it's not like she doesn't have any right to be there. Normally, you have to be employed at Mercy West to be allowed to access the staff-only areas, but it's not like Catherine couldn't get privileges with a snap of her fingers or defend herself if they get caught. So, really, what she's asking is not that illegal. Baby steps towards rule-breaking, really, April reasons.

"Come on dear, let's live a little," Catherine says, punctuating her sentence with a wink.

Oh, and has she mentioned it's Catherine Avery doing the asking? Yeah, there's no way she's saying no.

The fact that she appears quite good at breaking the rules makes April feel just a little better about the fact that, well, she's breaking the rules. Looks like the hours she spent reading those Harriet the Spy and Nancy Drew novels as a child finally paid off. She would never become a mastermind criminal, but still, take that, Reed! 

They watch in some sort of reverence as Jackson stands silent, head slightly bowed, mouthing something, almost looking like he's praying, and then asks the nurse for a scalpel. Slowly, he makes the first cut, brows furrowed deep in concentration, and when he's done, April lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding. She can't help but admire his cool, collected stance. He looks like he completely belongs in the OR, that it's the place he's meant to be, that he's been there all his life. To be honest, she's a little in awe of him. She knows that if it was her down there, she would be questioning her every move, and she would be the opposite of calm and collected. Like, sweaty and really nervous, rambling and second-guessing herself at every step. And with the pressure of his family name? It's a good thing she's not an Avery, because that weight would absolutely crush her. For once she's more than fine with being an anonymous Kepner no one expects anything from.

The other interns soon grow bored as it appears that the procedure is very straightforward and that nothing exciting is going to happen. April watches as they figure out their time would be put to better use by prowling the ER for good cases, and they leave one by one, until it's just her and Catherine left. The urologist has not taken her eyes off her son since the beginning of the procedure, and April has even seen her mimicking some of the gestures Jackson is doing. It's quite adorable, actually.

"Do you know the resident leading this surgery?" Catherine asks suddenly, staring at the surgeon she's mentioning.

"That's Dr. Parker. He's a fifth-year resident."

"Is he good?"

"He is. He's brilliant, he's an amazing teacher. And he's so nice, like my first week here, he talked me right through an emergency intubation, step by step, even though they usually don't let interns do that, at least not right away. I mean, I know it's not a big deal, you probably can do one with your eyes closed, but-"

"No no, it is a big deal. I was an intern one day too, miss Kepner. You have to start somewhere, right?" Catherine answers, looking at her before concentrating on Jackson again.

April glances at the older woman and is taken aback by the feeling painted on her face. She doesn't know her, hasn't been in contact with her long enough to pretend that's the case, but it's clear that Catherine usually radiates confidence and authority at any given moment. She's used to be obeyed, she goes for what she wants. April has heard stories about the urologist that all seemed to confirm it. But at that precise moment, watching her son move around the operating table, Catherine was not a doctor. She wasn't a legend, nor a figure of authority: she was only a proud mom. It's heartwarming, really, and she's glad that Jackson gets to have this kind of love in his life, but she can't deny feeling a deep-seated unease in her guts that she can only identify as envy.

Catherine briefly looks at her and notices her gaze before April can school her features.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing, sorry." She lowers her head, embarrassed to have been caught staring. "It's just, you just seem so proud of him. It's nice."

"Well, what parent wouldn't be proud of their baby? I'm sure yours would be as well, if they could watch you operate one day."

See, April is not so sure about that, and Catherine somehow seems to sense that and cocks an eyebrow.

"Oh no, of course they would!" April hurries to reply, not wanting Catherine to think her parents are monsters. "They would be proud, very proud, they just wouldn't... get it."

To that, Catherine turns her full attention to her, motioning for her to continue, so really, it's not considered rambling if the other person asks, right?

"My dad is a farmer, my mom's an elementary teacher. I'm the first one of my family to go to med school, to leave Ohio, to go study and live across the country. And yes, they're proud, I'm their little genius, the doctor in the family," she smiles, recollecting her parent's elated faces when she got her MCATs results. "Seeing me in the OR, yes, they would be proud. But they wouldn't get it, what a big deal it is. They still wonder why I can't just set up a general practice in town, right next to them, and treat runny noses and blisters and stomach aches. Not that that's not noble, I'm not dismissive, I swear, it's just that..."

"You want to cut and make a difference?"

April nods, relieved that the urologist understands what she's clumsily trying to say. She doesn't know why she's sharing her life story with someone she admires so much, and she wonders for a moment if she crossed a line, but Catherine just nods before speaking.

"And so, do you have your mind set on a specialty already? You seem like the type of person who always has a plan."

Was that a compliment? April chooses not to dwell on it (for now. But of course, she knows she's going to spend hours later going back and forth on that statement, because she's April Kepner and what did Catherine really mean by that?).

"I'm, I'm not sure. Plastics, maybe? I'm also thinking of urology." She doesn't want Catherine to think she's buttering her up, so she's quick to amend her statement. "But I had my first rotation in neuro last week, and that seemed fascinating as well, so now I don't know."

"Don't worry about it for now, dear, there'll be plenty of time to choose. My first two years of residency, I was dead set on becoming an OB/GYN."

Now April is not a stalker, it's not like she wrote the Wikipedia page on Catherine Avery (there's one, she checked, and she may have added a tiny edit here and there to correct some details), but she's read lots of things about her, and this, she didn't know.

"What made you change your mind?" she asks softly.

Catherine laughs, shaking her head.

"Audacity. I wasn't going to let the men have all the fun. And there's nothing like the look of fear in a man's eyes when a woman is the only thing standing between him and his broken penis."

April blushes at her answer.

"Oh no honey, if you want to make it as a surgeon, you can't blush every time someone says that word," Catherine laughs, making April blush even more. Great, now Catherine Avery thinks she's a prude. Well, she is, technically, but it's not like she wants to advertise that fact. Especially to her idol. She doesn't know how to answer, so she directs her gaze back to Jackson, who is getting ready to close his patient under the careful supervision of Dr. Parker.

April is still very much a student, it's not like she has much experience determining what makes or doesn't make a surgeon, a doctor, but looking at the OR and at Catherine, she can't help but think they just witnessed the very moment Jackson became a surgeon. It feels like a sacred event, made even more special by Catherine's presence and pride, and it feels so intimate that April knows she won't ever share that experience with anyone, not even Reed.  

They leave the gallery just before the surgery finishes, not wanting to bump into Jackson in the hallways of the hospital. They make their way in silence to the ground floor and to the lobby of the hospital. It's now close to 1 am, and April makes a mental note to pinch herself when she gets back home, just to make sure she hasn't dreamt the entire interaction.

"Well April, thank you for your help and for keeping me company. I know how busy you interns always are," Catherine says, and then brushes away April's protests that not at all, it was a pleasure, an honor even, and that she's glad she could have helped even a little. She then forages into her handbag and produces a little business card she hands to April.

"If you end up choosing urology as a specialty or just need some advice, please don't hesitate, dear," she says, and April tries her best to steady her hand before taking the card. She has Catherine Avery's phone number. And email address. Screw being popular, screw first surgeries, this is the absolute best day of her life.

She doesn't trust herself to speak, because her voice can be very high-pitched when she's excited, and right now it would probably reach a range only dolphins and dogs can hear. She tries to pronounce words, any at all would do really, but before she can say thank you – or at least try –, Catherine winks at her one last time and makes her way to the exit, almost bumping into Reed who's walking toward April.

"Hey April, is your shift over? If you go get changed we can drop by Charlie's party since we both have tomorrow off, and-"

April barely hears her, her gaze fixed toward the hospital doors.

"Hello? Earth to April?"

April finally tears her eyes from the doors and nods, following Reed toward the intern's lounge to get changed.

"Is it me or was this the most boring shift ever?" her roommate asks, and April smiles, her fingers brushing against the card safely tucked in the pocket of her scrubs. She's not a good liar, she's been told all her life, every emotion she feels ends up showing on her face. And yet her voice is assured when she answers Reed and shrugs.

"It was alright, I guess."