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Espresso hates him, he tries to convince himself.
Espresso hates his bright he shone, how positive he always manages (managed, he reminded himself) to be.
Espresso hates the way he spoke, energetic and loud so everyone would hear, but on the other side soft, calm and gentle, like a mother calming down a worried child.
Espresso hates the safe feeling in his arms, the warm embrace that helped him fall asleep so many times he tries to convince himself he despises.
Espresso hates the way he smiled, brighter than the sun in its full glory.
Espresso hates him, he tries to convince himself. It doesn’t work.
God just one more time, he begs. To the Divine he never believed in just to one more time to see his face. To see a smile so bright and calming, to receive a hug so safe and to receive a loving kiss. Just once more, just one last time. A last goodbye, he wishes.
Salty tears rolling his dry and hurting cheeks, buried deep in their… his? Bed, hiding under the covers, crying into the wet pillows, he hates him, he tries to convince himself.
This is exactly why he hates attachment- He gets attached and before he knows it, the person is gone, leaving him in utter despair and sobs. Leaving him praying for one last goodbye, but he knew this wasn’t Madeleine’s fault.
Madeleine didn’t leave by choice, so why does Espresso get the urge to blame him? He should blame the universe, it takes him maybe just a moment too long to realize- He doesn’t hate Madeleine, he can’t hate Madeleine.
Because he loves him. He loved him. He always did, he always will.
It hurts.
It fucking hurts, Espresso curls back into a ball he just got out from.
He tries to convince himself to hate him because that’s the only way to let go.
But he can’t. Madeleine was too nice, too gentle, too caring.
Madeleine was everything Espresso wasn’t and Espresso wanted to hate him for that, yet he couldn’t.
That’s why, he realizes. He can’t hate Madeleine because Madeleine brought so much joy into his life. He showed him a way the sun doesn’t hurt his eyes, he taught him to smile and laugh like there was no worry in the world. He taught him to love, to care.
Espresso hates him, he thinks. But his heart and soul longs for his lost lover.
He’s hurting. And he forever will be.
That’s the consequence for falling in love.
…
Strangely, he still wouldn’t have it any other way.