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Sophie’s eyes watered, and their fingers shook as they tried to button the back of their dress. Their ears were ringing, and the only thing they could feel was their hair on the back of their neck, hot and stifling.
They wanted to cry, to scream, to shout, but they could do nothing but try to keep in the tears as they buttoned up their stupid fancy dress for this stupid fancy party. They knew—they goddamn knew—that they should just suck it up for Grady and Edaline this once, for all the times that their parents had sacrificed for them.
But they just couldn’t. They couldn’t do it. Something about tonight felt so different, the way that their hair fell past their neck, the way that their dress pinched and prodded at their curves, the way their chest wasn’t flat, even after trying to layer the tightest bras they owned- it all made them feel sick.
“Sophie?”
Sophie blinked.
Somehow the ringing had quieted, and they were now in front of their insufferable spectral mirror, who surprisingly had a concerned look painted on her face. They focused on the way Vertina’s eyebrows scrunched together, a strand of her shiny black hair in her face.
She blew it out of the way, and Sophie suddenly realized that she was talking to them.
“Are-are you crying?”
Sophie immediately straightened and wiped any remaining tears from their eyes.
“No.”
Vertina rolled her eyes, clearly not believing them. “I get that you’re nervous, but you should be excited! It’s the first party that’s being held here since Jolie was alive.”
Sophie looked down at their feet to avoid seeing their reflection. They were tempted to tell Vertina that they were not in fact excited to go and socialize with some stuffy nobles, but they knew that wouldn’t help the situation.
“I know, I’m just- I’m not feeling…right.”
“What do you mean?”
Sophie shook their head, “Never mind, it’s stupid.”
They turned, trying to think what else they might need for the event. Out of the corner of their peripheral vision, they could see Vertina frown. Right before they walked out of frame, Vertina said something that made them stop.
“Jolie felt like that too sometimes. Going to see Brant always made her feel better. I don’t really know… a lot about this stuff, but Jolie did. So maybe you should go visit one of your boyfriends that you’re always talking my ear off about?”
Sophie opened their mouth, ready to refuse, but stopped. They felt like total shit and going to see Keefe or Fitz wouldn’t hurt. They might even help. But they could be late to the party, or Edaline might worry, or maybe even-
Vertina cleared her throat. “Whenever you’re done overthinking this, you can go. The sooner you leave the sooner you’ll be back. And,” she added when Sophie was about to interrupt,” I’ll let your parents know where you’ve gone if they ask.”
Sophie smiled softly, truly appreciating the girl for one of the first times since she’d moved into their room. “Thanks, Vertina.”
Vertina flipped her hair, rolling her eyes. “You got it. Now go get ‘em, Girl! Or- er… elf?”
Sophie smiled softly, amused at Vertina’s correction. “I will.”
“Would you like a hug?” Fitz asked, his crisp accent filled with concern.
Sophie’s shoulders curved inward in a shrug. They’d leaped to Everglen since they didn’t want to bother with the chance of seeing Lord Cassius.
As soon as Fitz had opened the door, he knew something was wrong. Sophie had almost started crying when he’d taken them up to his room. But they couldn’t even get a word out. Something was so scary about this. Because something was different this time when hanging out with their boyfriend. They knew that they’d have to tell Fitz, because the secret was at the tip of their tongue.
But they just needed to wait a few more minutes. Until Keefe got here. Fitz had hailed him as soon as he’d gotten Sophie settled, and Sophie really didn’t have the strength to tell him not to. Their boyfriend was anxious about their obvious distress but didn’t know how to help.
Sophie felt terrible for not pointing him in the right direction, but they couldn’t make the effort to talk, to tell him what was wrong without completely falling apart.
Fitz seemed to understand though, just silently taking their hand, gently squeezing it to let them know he was there.
They squeezed back.
Finally, frantic footsteps broke them out of their peaceful trance, and Fitz squeezed their hand one more time before standing up, presumably to open the door for Keefe. But before he could, it slammed open, Keefe rushing in with Mrs. Stinkbottom and a package of Keebler elf cookies tucked in his arms.
“I heard Foster’s not feeling well?”
Fitz and Sophie both shook their heads.
“Well,” Keefe said, smirking. “You have nothing to fear, the Keefster is here!”
Sophie tried to smile, but it probably looked more like a grimace. Keefe turned to Fitz; his brow furrowed in confusion at Sophie's gloomy demeanor.
Fitz shrugged; his eyes still glued to Sophie's face. It was as if he was trying to read them like a book, like the words would jump off the page and he could help fix the problem. But Sophie knew he couldn't read them, they'd perfected an emotionless stare even when they were dealing with the strongest emotions a person could handle. That’s what they’d had to do when they were the Moonlark.
Finally, he turned to Keefe, sighing slightly, and running his hand through his hair. "I don't know, I don't think she really feels like talking right now."
Keefe's frown deepened as he saw Sophie flinch. He dropped down onto Fitz's bed beside them, gently wrapping his arms around their shoulders in a warm side hug. Sophie sank into it, welcoming the comfort.
"Those are some wonky emotions you're feeling there, Foster," Keefe pointed out softly. Sophie buried their head into his chest, simply nodding. Tears finally leaked out of the corners of their eyes. How were they going to tell their amazing boyfriends this? This dark—and stupid—secret that they didn't even know how elves felt about.
They felt the bed shift as Fitz sat on their other side, wrapping his arms around their other side. Even with something so big weighing on their shoulders, Sophie's boyfriends made them feel much better. So much better in fact, that after a few minutes of trying to take deep, calming breaths, Sophie lifted their head.
"I love you guys," they managed to choke out.
Sophie could see both of their shoulders relax in relief, and Fitz pressed a gentle kiss to their forehead. "We love you too," he reassured.
Keefe nodded in agreement.
Sophie opened their mouth to apologize for being so dramatic, but Keefe put his finger on their lips before they could make a sound.
"I know what you're about to say, and I want you know that you should never apologize for us taking care of you. It's our job as the best boyfriends in history."
Fitz smiled. "True. And you definitely don't have to tell us what's wrong, but if you want to, we'd love to help."
Sophie nodded. "I-yeah that's why I um. Came over here."
"So uh, that party that we have to be at in like two hours? I was getting ready for that, and I realized something. Something that I've kind of been wrapping my head around for a long time," They took a shaky breath.
Sophie shut their eyes tight, not wanting to see their boyfriends' most likely repulsed reactions. "I don't like how I feel in my body."
They waited a moment before continuing. "I hate dresses, and I hate my hair, and I hate my chest, and I hate my gender."
Neither of the pairs of arms moved from Sophie's sides.
"I-I feel disgusting."
Silence.
Just when Sophie was about to take it all back, Fitz's arms tightened around them.
"I'm sorry," he said gently. "I had no idea you were feeling like that."
Keefe pressed a kiss on top of Sophie's head. "Is there anything we can do?"
Sophie felt a snotty laugh tear out of their throat. "Not unless you can make all of those things that I just listed suddenly disappear."
"I can work with that."
Sophie turned to look at him. "How?"
Keefe jumped up, his feet hitting the soft carpet as he started pacing, lost in thought. "Well..." His head snapped up. "Fitz you have some hairdressing scissors in your bathroom still, right?"
Fitz nodded, "Top right drawer."
"Then, I know that Livvy has some old suits that are probably your size," Fitz said. "I'll look through the donation pile." He started to walk out of the room before he turned around again. "I think Biana might also have a binder from that one time ae tried it, if you want me to look for it," he told Sophie.
They nodded hesitantly.
So, the two boys rushed off, Fitz to find Sophie a wardrobe, and Keefe to go find some hair cutting scissors.
Sophie wandered into the bathroom after Keefe, watching as he took out a variety of combs and brushes, along with some scissors.
He glanced up. "We might be a little late, but I think we can pull this off."
Sophie hugged Mrs. Stinkbottom tightly to their chest.
Keefe had brushed out the layers, making Sophie's hair lay flat for the coming process. He hovered hesitantly with the scissors by Sophie's head. "Are you sure you wanna do this?"
Sophie bobbed their head up and down in confirmation.
They'd both snacked on cookies, discussing what haircut Sophie felt like, and after they were done, Sophie changed into one of Fitz's old T-shirts. It was way too big, and went down to their lower thighs, but they'd take that rather than a dress any day. Sophie had been slightly hesitant at first, seeing the way that inexperienced human haircuts looked, but now, they were sure. Simply being in the bathroom, knowing that they were free from the armpit length hair they detested brushing out every day?
It felt good.
So, so, good.
Because of that, Sophie forced their shoulders to relax, hoping that Keefe knew what he was doing. They closed their eyes once again, strangling Keefe's stuffed animal tight as the sound of scissors filled the air.
Snip.
Snip.
Snip.
"Ok, I'm done," Keefe told them, turning to rinse his hands.
Sitting in a kitchen chair and getting their haircut by their boyfriend who most definitely wasn't a hairdresser in Fitz's bathroom wasn't how Sophie thought their evening would go.
But they weren't complaining.
"Jeez, it looks like a hair tornado went off in here," Keefe stated, leaning back to look at his handiwork.
"Yeah," Sophie said, brushing off some blond hair from their T-shirt. "We probably should've prepared better."
Keefe shrugged. "I dunno, I feel like being unprepared is the best part."
Sophie made a disapproving noise but didn't say anything else.
"What do ya' think?"
What did Sophie think? Well, a lot of things really, as they stared at their reflection. The fact that they could even do that meant it was a significant improvement from what Sophie's state had been only a few hours ago. But the haircut itself? It was fluffy and loose, and they ran their hand through it, just to see how it felt. Good. It felt really good.
They nodded. "It's amazing, thank you so much." The words by themselves didn't really feel like enough, so to show how much they meant it, Sophie stood on their tiptoes and kissed Keefe on the cheek, wrapping their arms around his shoulders, even when he had to bend down to give them an adequate hug. They stood there, rocking back and forth a bit and enjoying each other's presence. Sophie knew that Keefe could feel their gratitude, one of the times she loved dating an empath.
Interrupting the calm mood was Fitz, who barged into the bathroom, out of breath. "I love you both dearly, and I love when you're being cute like this, but we're gonna be late, and have only around an hour to get ready before Grady will have Keefe and I's heads."
While Grady had definitely softened to both boys, holding up his child from a party they were supposed to attend probably wouldn’t help his relationship with Keefe and Fitz. So, Sophie shakily stood up, swiping their messy blonde hair out of their eyes, and taking the bundle of clothes that Fitz handed them.
“You look amazing,” Fitz said with a soft smile.
Sophie blushed, their shoulders pushing up toward their ears. “Thank you,” They whispered, giving him another smile back.
Keefe rolled his eyes playfully, taking Fitz’s hand and dragging him out of the bathroom to let Sophie get changed.
Sophie took a deep breath finally looking at themself in the mirror. And- well, they looked great if they did say so themselves. Their short, fluffy hair was wild, but it gave it a sort of a stylish roughed-up look. They supposed that Keefe had done that on purpose, adding his own little flare to help Sophie out.
They weren’t going to admit how much they loved it.
And their suit was stunning. A deep royal blue suit with a white button up under it. Nothing special to most, but to Sophie it was incredible, especially when compared to a dress. After running their hand through their hand one more time, they opened the bathroom door, where Keefe and Fitz were waiting for them.
As soon as they walked out of the bathroom, both boys’ jaws dropped.
“What?”
Fitz blinked a couple times before shaking his head. “Uh, nothing.”
Keefe’s face was tinted with pink as he held up his hand. “I found this,” he said, gesturing to the tie he was holding.
Sophie nodded. “Perfect. Except- I don’t know how to tie a tie.”
Fitz instantly brightened. “I can help you!”
He took the tie from Keefe’s hand, and the three of them all migrated back into his bathroom. They all stood in front of the mirror, situated with their own accessories.
Sophie and Fitz both had their own neck ties, while Keefe fiddled with a bi-colored bow tie.
“Ok, so you’ll want this side to be slightly longer than the other, just so that when you tuck in the smaller one it won’t show through.”
Sophie nodded, sliding the tie through their collar, and doing as he said. Only then did they realize that their tie had little alicorns on it, each stitched on with care.
They looked up at Keefe, a goofy smile painted on their face. “Where’d you get this?”
“Oh,” Keefe said, “Elwin gave it to me as a midterm gift once. I just happened to leave it here, it’s perfect, isn’t it?”
Sophie nodded, their smile not dimming even as Fitz gave them confusing instructions on how to tie their tie. How did he make it look so easy?
After their third try, they sighed frustratingly.
“Hey, it’s okay.” Keefe said from behind them, as Fitz took Sophie’s tie and started doing it on himself.
“I still can’t tie a tie, and I’ve been trying for years. Knowing how smart that little head of yours is, I know that you’ll get it eventually.”
Fitz bobbed his head in agreement, stepping in front of Sophie and sliding the tie over their head. “You’d also usually have more time, we’re just kind of crunched with time at the moment—tell me if this is too tight,” he said, straightening it out.
“It’s perfect,” Sophie told him, and he stepped away.
“See Foster, I told you we could help a bit,” Keefe said, squeezing their shoulder assuredly.
“Is there anything we’re missing?” Fitz asked.
Sophie shook their head—then stopped.
“Do you think…” They trailed off, trying to convince themself to say the words out loud.
“Do you think you guys could refer to me using they/them pronouns?”
“Absolutely,” they said at the same time, and Sophie’s heart lightened even more.
It was as if the weight that had been crushing them had slid off their back. They took their boyfriends’ hands in theirs, squeezing three times.
They squeezed back.
“How do you feel, Foster?” Keefe whispered.
Sophie considered the question, staring at the mirror, and the new person staring back at them. It wasn’t really a new person, they realized with a start. It was just Sophie Foster. The same Sophie Foster that they’d always been.
But this time they felt good. The name and the clothes and the look, and the people standing next to them.
For the first time, Sophie Foster felt right.
"You ready?" Fitz asked, adjusting his necktie. As he did, Sophie got a glimpse of the rainbow hidden underneath. He’d gotten it when he was still in the closet, he’d explained, but had grown so attached to it that he couldn’t get rid of it.
Sophie loved it as well. They could probably steal it now, the thought making them grin. Immediately, their smile fell, as they realized what they were about to do.
They tore a hand through their hair, deciding they should probably answer Fitz’s question. "I don't know.”
"We don't have to go yet, if you don't want," a voice from behind them said.
Sophie turned to look at Keefe over their shoulder. “I don’t want Grady and Edaline to worry any longer than they have to.”
“I know,” Keefe said, bending down to kiss Fitz’s cheek, then Sophie’s. “But if you aren’t ready, we don’t have to leave yet—there’s no rushing perfection after all.”
Sophie smiled. “Thanks, Keefe.”
He slung an arm over their shoulder. “No problem, M-” He gasped. “Can I call you Mysterious Mx. Foster now?”
Sophie groaned, burying their head in their hands. “…Fine.”
Keefe pumped his fist in the air as Fitz rolled his eyes.
“If you’re both ready,” he said pulling out a leaping crystal. “We should probably get going.”
Sophie’s hand tightened on both of theirs as the crystal hit the light, dragging the three away.
The party was already packed full of guests, and Sophie's anxiety rose through the roof.
They met the gaze of Dex, and their cousin gave them a big grin and a thumbs up, gesturing to their hair and outfit. Sophie blushed and nodded their thanks. Even as they weaved through the people, and many gave them complements, Sophie couldn't help but be anxious. What would their parents think? They knew that Grady and Edaline had been mostly supportive of their decisions (even when sometimes they were life-threatening) but they were always their daughter. Would they be okay if they weren't?
Finally, they saw Edaline's eyes searching over the crowd, even as she was stopped for small talk. After greeting some emissaries and having some small talk, her eyes once again scanned the people.
She looked beautiful as ever, her Auburn hair done up in a delicate half-up half-down style, small strands making their way to her face. She was dressed in a deep red gown, which Sophie was sure Grady was matching.
Their anxiety rose again as Edaline's eyes eventually meant theirs. They widened for a minute, but Edaline's mom senses seemed to understand what was happening immediately, and she broke out in a wide grin.
Sophie and Edaline fought through the crowd to get to one another, and as soon as they got into arms reach, Edaline pulled Sophie into a hug.
"I love what you did with your hair," She whispered softly into Sophie's ear, her arms wrapping around their back.
Sophie breathed in deeply, smelling the perfume that moms always seemed to wear, immediately mirroring Edaline, and pulling their mom closer.
They buried their head into their mom’s chest and remembered why they loved their mother's hugs. Because everything felt so much farther away, so unimportant now that Edaline was holding them, and everything was okay. Even with the all chaos and noise that surrounded them, all that mattered was Sophie. Just for a brief moment.
Then, Edaline pulled back, really taking Sophie in, and after a moment she adjusted the collar on their suit, smiling at the tiny alicorn prints. Sophie took a deep breath.
"I'm so sorry I'm late. I was getting ready- and I just really didn't feel right, so then I went over to Fitz's and he and Keefe both helped me get ready and then we just lost track of time and I'm so, so, sorry."
Edaline shook her head, smiling gently. "It's just fine, I really don't mind. As soon as Vertina told me you were at Everglen, I knew that you probably wouldn't be here on time." She looked up, sending a pointed look over Sophie's shoulder, presumably where Keefe and Fitz were.
"But I'm glad you're feeling better now," she added. The statement itself seemed to be a question. Were they feeling better? Sophie nodded, a smiling lighting up their face. They were feeling better than they had in a while.
The thought was interrupted by a hand ruffling their hair. Sophie whipped around to see Grady in a dark red tunic and cape. (They were right about their parents matching.)
"Hey, Kiddo." Their father said lightly, and Sophie's focus immediately shifted to what he was holding. They heard Edaline's amused chuckle as they excitedly took the piece of mallowmelt.
"Thanks, Dad!"
Grady smiled. "Of course, but if you want seconds you'll probably have go over right now. Otherwise, your friends might eat the rest."
Sophie followed his gaze to see what he was talking about. Biana, Dex, Keefe, and Fitz were all crowding the dessert table, chowing down on the sweets. Sophie smiled apologetically and Grady threw his head back and laughed.
"Go ahead, but save a piece for me," he put a hand over his mouth and stage-whispered, "Edaline said she won't let me have any afterward."
Edaline rolled her eyes but smiled. "That's because you've already had six pieces of mallowmelt today."
Sophie smiled, wondering why they were worried about their parents. They still hadn't had The Talk™ yet, but by the way they handled this, Sophie wasn't too anxious.
But they still sighed, walking over to the table where their boyfriends plus Dex and Biana were eating way too much food.
Hey Sophie, Fitz transmitted.
What's up?
Are you comfortable with using they/them pronouns in front of Dex and Biana? Keefe and I weren't sure, so we were using she/her for now.
Sophie nodded, then realized he wasn't actually looking at them. I'm alright with it, thank you for asking though. I think the only immediate people I have in mind are Grady and Edaline, but hopefully that'll change by tonight.
Before he could respond, Sophie walked up to the four of their friends. They seemed to have walked into a speed eating competition between Keefe and Biana, with Dex hyping the two up. Fitz was standing to the side, and walked beside them, watching the chaos.
"Do you regret inviting us yet?"
Sophie snorted. "Never." And they meant it.
Their friends were one of the highlights of moving to the Lost Cities. Sure, they had their parents, but friends were something that Sophie had never had before. And well, even when they were shoving food in their faces in ways that would most definitely make them sick later, it was all worth it.
Dex turned around, waved at Sophie, then quickly went back to announcing what was happening. "It seems the stakes have risen folks, as whoever wins this competition gets to have Sophie Foster piggyback them around for week," xe said, in a booming voice.
Sophie made a disgruntled sound as Keefe and Biana somehow ate faster.
"It might have to be the other way around, since they're so short," Fitz added, putting an elbow on Sophie's shoulder to prove his point.
They groaned as Dex relayed the message to the two dumbasses eating dessert.
After what only had to be a minute more, Biana pumped aer fist in the air, signifying aer victory. Keefe crumpled to the ground in over-exaggerated defeat.
Biana laughed, helping Keefe to his feet.
"I'm gonna see if I can convince Magnate Leto to see how many classes I can get out of, then I can carry your girlfriend all around Foxfire."
Keefe took the hand ae offered, standing all the way up. "I don't know how my partner would feel about that. I mean look at them, Foster's already pouting."
Sophie's heart flipped at the use of their pronouns. They smiled at Keefe in gratitude. They were uncertain about how these pronouns would feel but, now they knew. This made them happy.
Biana walked up to them, complimenting their suit. "You don't have to let me carry you around, I know those assholes do it all the time."
They smiled at the offer but could also see just how excited Biana was at the prospect of carrying them around.
"No, it's fine. Just as long as I don't have to miss any classes."
Biana snorted and shook aer head. "You won't."
Then, somehow, Sophie was on Biana's back, taller than they'd ever felt before as their friends paraded them around. The adults at the party seemed to be either unimpressed or amused at their immaturity. Sophie even got a high five from Livvy as they made their way outside. The crisp night air hit Sophie in the face as Biana carried them outside. For only the minor height difference between them, Biana was really strong, hefting Sophie around as if it were just a normal part of aer routine.
The group made their way out to Calla's tree, as loud and obnoxious as they were inside, but the noise even louder as it filled the night air. Keefe and Fitz both sat at the trunk of the tree, and after a moment Biana gently plopped Sophie down in their laps, making all three of their faces turn bright red. Ae swept the bottom of aer dress to the side and sat gracefully to the left, clearly amused. Dex dropped down on xer back to the right, looking at the stars.
"Hey Sophie?"
They sat up, turning to look at Dex.
"This homophobic elf came into the shop today; do you think you could point me to that illegal star that explodes?"
The entire group laughed, and after a moment Sophie leaned forward, searching for Elementine from their memories.
“Are you seriously considering it?” Fitz asked, somehow still flabbergasted at the idea of breaking the law.
“I'd like to think that the tribunal would be worth it,” Sophie reasoned.
“It totally would be.”
“Yeah, I'd back you up.”
“I mean, it seems reasonable to me.”
Fitz groaned, putting his head in his hands. "I swear, you're all going to be the death of me."
Keefe laughed, kissing his boyfriend's cheek. "We sure will be, Babe."
The group fell back into silence once again. Sophie smiled, leaning their head back against the trunk of the tree, remembering chaotic pillow fights and days of just talking. No matter how down Sophie felt, their friends would always be there to cheer them up.
And that was the knowledge that pushed them to clear their throat, getting their friend’s attention. Sophie sat up, flipping their hair out of their face, and reminiscing in the feeling. They stared at the bright lights coming from the inside of Havenfield, and after a quick moment of hesitation turned back toward Dex and Biana.
"I'm...I'm using they/them pronouns."
Biana smiled sweetly, and Dex grinned. "Welcome to the cool pronoun club!"
Biana nodded aer agreement saying how much they fit Sophie, and Sophie smiled, trying not to cry. They’d cried enough today, they’d decided. They didn’t make a big deal out of it either, instead just lapsing back into normal conversation.
In the middle of Dex’s complaint about Metaphysics, Keefe sat up, wiping his grassy hands on his pants. Fitz frowned up at him, as if offended that his cuddling partner had moved. Sophie stifled a chuckle at his expression.
“Well, now that that’s settled,” Keefe said, turning to towards the path that led toward the ocean. “Race you to the beach!”
“Last one there’s a gulon!” He called over his shoulder as he started running.
The other four stared at each other before Dex bolted after him.
Biana slid of aer shoes. “That asshole. I’m going to throw my shoes at him once I get down there.” And with that, ae were gone a well.
Sophie and Fitz just stood there, watching the three of their friends tear toward Havenfield’s sandy beaches under the bright moonlight, weaving through the pastures and making their way toward the gravelly path.
They turned to look at him, and he cocked his brow. “They both just ate a half-dish of mallowmelt, how are they not sick?”
Sophie shrugged, slipping their shoes off and throwing them over their shoulder.
“I dunno, but I’m sure as hell not a gulon.”
They dashed away, laughing at Fitz’s indignant cries behind them.
This is what Sophie loved. Their people, their home. And as their feet touched down on the soft sand, and they looked over at the reflection of their body, tie flying behind them as their short hair whipped in the air, Sophie realized that they loved themself.
The sounds of cheerful yelling made them go faster, their feet splashing in the cold water as they neared where Keefe was standing, Biana throwing aer shoes at him, just as ae had promised.
Soon, even after Fitz had joined them, heaving, and panting, Keefe picked Biana up and threw aer into the chilly water, obviously being dragged down with aer. Fitz jumped in as well, joining his sibling in tackling his boyfriend. The three of them bobbed up, spluttering water, and cursing each other out.
Sophie let out a loud boisterous laugh, one that bounced off Havenfield’s cliffs above them. Because even with all of this gender shit, and what felt like the whole world against them, Sophie knew they were okay.
More than okay, they realized, as Dex let out a loud squeal after Keefe splashed xem with water. They were happy.
And their family would always have their back.