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He didn’t know why he accepted, really.
He hardly even knew her -- hardly, as in, had spoken to her a grand total of one time, and had seen her in the hall only a handful of times. Maybe he’d accepted because she allowed him to cut their conversation short, back then; he wouldn’t have to make small talk. Or, maybe, based on what little he’d had the chance to observe, he was a little too comfortable with the idea of trying to make her laugh for twenty minutes straight.
Maybe, he was trying to play matchmaker with himself and Inej Ghafa.
She had come up to him earlier, with a sheepish grin and unsteady eye contact. “Kaz, right?”
He nodded, looking over at the very, very short line of people ahead of him. He tightened his grip on his coffee, even though it was already burning his hand, even through his gloves. He was determined not to let that show; definitely not while talking to her, at least. It wasn’t like there was much he could do to fix it, anyway.
“Are you getting in line?” she asked, toying with the strap of her bag as she spoke.
He couldn’t place whether her nerves were over talking to him, or standing in line for the tallest ride they had at this place. He certainly knew what his were over.
“Unfortunately,” he grumbled.
It had been a dare, the little… adventure he’d found himself going on. All that he had to do was go to the fair and get on a ride of some kind. There were no stakes beside his dignity, but that was enough for him to agree to do it. He was sure that he could, really, until the calmest ride turned out to be a ferris wheel a hundred times his size.
It looked almost peaceful, except for every part of it that was life-threatening. There was a reason that Jesper called him a control freak, and there was a reason that he embraced the title. Refusing to do things like this was exactly the reason that he was still alive.
Inej seemed to have different thoughts, though. Mostly in that she showed no signs at all of being coerced into this on behalf of her dignity or money.
She was quiet while he watched the ferris wheel turn, looking at him in what couldn’t be described as anything but bewilderment. He was sure that his reasoning for his wariness was solid, though; no matter who might look at him like he was insane. Even if it was Inej Ghafa doing the staring.
“Right,” she said slowly, nodding at around the same speed. “Well, do you think you might need a partner? Nina’s afraid of heights, apparently, and it’s two to a seat.”
He was almost bothered by her explanation. He knew everything about what he was signing himself up for. Which, Jordie would probably tell him, was not helping his current issue with fixating on the worst-case-scenarios.
He supposed it wouldn’t hurt, though, knowing that if something went catastrophically, at least he’d be with someone he sort-of knew.
“Fine.”
That is exactly how he’d ended up having to ditch his coffee in line, climb into a ride beside someone he hardly knew, and ultimately get stuck -- literally, stuck -- midair beside them.
“Well,” Inej said quietly, about five minutes after the ride had stopped moving at all. “At least it’s a pretty evening, right? Sunset, and everything. Nina will be jealous of the view,” she said, snapping a photo of the sunset on her phone.
Meanwhile, he was quiet. He was grateful for the sound of her voice, at least, talking him through a silent panic attack. He was almost equally torn between calling Jesper and cursing him out over the phone, or opening his eyes to see the sunset that she was talking about.
She hadn’t come near him yet, at least. He was grateful for that, though he knew that she probably had her own reasons for not doing it as much as he had his reasons for not wanting her to. Probably more so, actually.
Since their little run-in at the coffee shop, he’d done a fair amount of digging. He’d found out everything there was to know about that tattoo that she’d almost certainly had -- and had almost certainly carved off of her skin, rather than getting it removed.
He didn’t blame her, honestly; he knew perfectly well the significance of scars. That, and it was simply the more logical option, if appearances weren’t a significant factor in her choice. It likely took less time and money than going to a professional would have.
As for Heleen, he hadn’t learned much about her that he hadn’t already known; only that Inej had been a part of that, once.
He was particularly curious why, of all people, she’d chosen him to climb into something like this with. At the very least, that meant ten minutes being alone with a man that she didn’t really know. At most…
Well, they’d get stuck.
He wasn’t known for minding people’s feelings, after all. As for morals, he was really better known for his lack of them than anything else. Unless she’d heard differently from Jesper or Nina, (and he would kill them, if she had,) there was no reason for her to believe that he was trustworthy.
And yet, she must’ve. She’d asked him, after all. Hadn’t even just begrudgingly agreed to this; she’d been the one to approach him.
It was as she started speaking that he realized that maybe, just maybe, she felt bad for him. (Which, really, he’d have to fix. It could wait until they were on the ground, though.)
“Why did you decide to get on a ferris wheel?” she asked quietly. He noticed a hint of concern in her voice. He wanted it gone. It was very well-hidden, though, he had to give her that. She obviously knew who she was speaking to, to some extent.
“What?” he asked, cracking an eye open.
He had both of his hands gripping his cane, almost certain that loosening his grip would mean plummeting to his death. He hated this, being stuck in places that he was unable to get himself out of. He hadn’t had a great history with that, after all.
“I don’t know,” she shrugged, leaning back against the seat. The ride swayed a bit, even on his side, despite them being across the little cart from each other. “You just look… tense, I guess. Why would you get on if you don’t like heights?”
It wasn’t that he was afraid of heights, though. He was fine with them, as long as he was in control. He used to enjoy climbing, back when he was younger -- enjoyed being up high, so long as he knew the odds of coming out alright were in his favor.
But this… he was in the air, on a ride that he couldn’t ensure the safety of, and being moved around by someone he didn’t know. This was his worst nightmare, just in a different form than the way he usually imagined it in.
He closed his eyes again, tightening his grip on his cane. He tried not to think about drowning, or about falling to his death. “I don’t have the best track record with-- uhm--” the ride shook harder than it had so far, and he squirmed around a bit, leaning forward, “--with being stuck places.”
“Oh,” she whispered, sounding entirely calm. Not at all scared, even after they’d practically been knocked on their side. Either Inej Ghafa was insane, or she truly wasn’t afraid of death. Maybe both.
He could practically hear the wheels in her mind turning, trying to put together what could have possibly happened in his life to warrant that kind of an answer. Abandoned in the middle of nowhere. Victim of a kidnapping. A hostage situation.
All of them were true enough, he supposed.
She cleared her throat after a minute, shifting a bit again. “Well, we’ve been alright so far. Predicting the future has never been my strong suit,” she said quietly.
He opened his eyes to find her staring off into the distance, only looking over at him once she saw him looking. She chuckled, shifting a bit in her seat. He huffed a bit, but stayed still, saying nothing.
He supposed that he earned the awkward silence that came after, seeing as he’d been the one to deny her a response, and he’d earned the anxiety that started to creep in again, as well.
We could fall. The ride could catch on fire. They could start spinning so fast that all of the seats start hitting each other.
“We may as well get to know each other, since we’ve got time to kill,” Inej said, voice swimming in the back of his mind. He closed his eyes. God, he could hardly hear her -- it felt like he was stuck inside of a vacuum. Felt like he was already falling. One hand dropped to the bench next to his leg, gripping the edge of the seat, and he found himself practically praying for an easy landing.
“It’s alright,” she said, at some point. She hadn’t gotten any closer, like some people might’ve. “It’s a safe ride. They have to put these through so many safety tests, as it is. This one is five years old, so it’s probably taken thousands of passengers at this point without a problem. It’s probably just a little issue with the batteries, if not just someone having stepped on the wrong cord.”
He truly hoped that he didn’t look as nervous as he felt. He didn’t need her to talk him down, right now. He could talk himself down, later, once they were safely on the ground and as far away from giant metal death machines as they could get. He didn’t even know her, yet. He could handle himself.
It was nice to know that this wasn’t a brand new ferris wheel that they were stuck on, though. And her voice was nice. Soothing, like hearing someone who knew exactly what they were talking about.
He was almost grateful when she started talking again, asking questions that forced him to think about something else. Mostly about whether it was worth it to trust her, or to keep living in the part of his mind that was convincing him that they were about to die.
“Have you lived here your whole life?” she asked. He was almost sure that he’d find that she was staring at him, if his eyes were open.
He thought about lying to her, letting her go on believing what everyone else in this city thought, acquainted with him or otherwise. But something in him… he just knew that that wasn’t right. “No.”
She hummed. “Do you like it here?”
He snorted, cracking an eye open. “Who does?”
Really, it was a city. It smelled bad, and there was so much going on that it often made his head hurt. It was cold, too, and the buzzing atmosphere did absolutely nothing to remedy that, like one may have thought it would. With everyone on top of each other, he thought that the world would’ve warmed up over here by now.
It hadn’t, though. He was instead left in the cold, with a whole world around him that may be much warmer, but with everything he’d built right where he was.
“Fair point,” Inej laughed, looking down at the floor of their cart. Another wave of nausea hit as he remembered that the floor of their cart might be the floor to them, but it was still 80 feet in the air and being controlled by a stranger.
He snapped his eyes shut again.
“What are you doing after this?“ she asked quietly.
He understood what she was doing, now. At least, he understood more. She was trying to distract him, to take his mind away from the current danger in order to help him calm down. She was a psychology student, after all.
A part of him hated that it was working.
He imagined her sitting there across from him, her head tilted to the side and the golden sun hitting her hair while the breeze swayed it. And, despite it likely being a tactic she’d learned in class, she was asking him what he was doing after this.
There was a part of him that hoped that it wasn’t just to distract him. Maybe she wanted to go for coffee, or walk around the fair together, or anything at all. It was the same part of him that kept him answering all of her questions, that made him want to tell her everything and more about himself.
He had work to finish this evening, though, and some spying to do. He definitely had better things to be doing.
Definitely.
He shrugged, shifting his weight as much as he knew he could without shaking the cart. He couldn’t tell if they were starting to turn again, or if this was his mind playing tricks on him again.
“Nothing too interesting,” he said. “Homework, maybe.”
He had no homework to do, but there was no reason to reveal his work to her. It was true enough, after all: he learned quite a bit from his business.
She hummed quietly, then went silent.
He opened his eyes, looking at her again. She looked exactly the way he thought she would, with the sun on her hair and a nervous smile on her lips. She’d been staring down at her hands, only looking up once he did.
“Is that homework anything you think you might be able to put off?” she asked, tilting her head a bit more, and holy shit. “I’m going to get dinner with Jes and Nina. They’re bringing Wylan and Matthias, if you know them?”
He’d met them both. He didn’t have anything against Wylan, beside that he was too easy to fluster and even easier to sway. And Matthias… well. He wasn’t a fan, but he was well aware that the feeling was mutual.
No, he was more focused on the fact that Inej Ghafa had just asked him, regardless of the company, to go someplace with her. That was insane, he thought. Absolutely insane.
He nodded, continuing to look over at her. He had the confidence not to close his eyes all the way as the cart shook, even though he did tighten both hands around what they were holding. Inej chuckled a bit from the other side of the cart.
“Well, anyway, I’m stuck fifth-wheeling. I thought I’d ask some of the girls from my gym, but I think they’re probably busy. So, like… if you’re not, and if you like IHOP, I’m pretty sure there will naturally be an empty seat at our table. Unless they’ve started using five-sided furniture,” she laughed nervously, and oh, he wasn’t afraid at all anymore. Apparently, her distraction tactics worked quite well.
He could think of plenty of reasons not to go: for one, he really did have work that he could be doing, instead; two, he didn’t particularly enjoy the company of Matthias Helvar, and he especially didn’t enjoy the company of Matthias Helvar when accompanied by Nina Zenik; and three, most of IHOP’s menu made him queasy.
And the reasons that he might actually want to go: he’d get to talk to Inej some more, hopefully with less anxiety-inducing factors around them; and he wouldn’t have to go through the trouble of choosing which microwave pasta to heat up for dinner.
There was something pushing him to do it, whether it be for Inej or simply to quiet Jordie’s voice in his head, nagging at him to try and do something enjoyable without analyzing it too much, for once.
“I think I can make that work,” he said, allowing himself to smirk as much as he could without looking too excited. Because he definitely wasn’t.
Definitely.