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My shift is long over. New year's day has been beyond awful and I'm exhausted in every possible way. And yet I choose to stay in C&C. There's always paperwork to be done and focusing on menial tasks like that while being surrounded by a constant low level hum of activity almost works like a sedative. The fact that everyone is being exceptionally quiet tonight only adds to the effect.
Before I know it the late shift is over. The good-nights exchanged are subdued and the process of people leaving is a lot more drawn-out than on other nights. I guess I'm not the only one happy to find reasons to linger. Eventually though, I'm left on my own, which happens to defeat the purpose of ever staying here in the first place.
I take a deep breath and decide to call it a night as well. Getting up I take a last look around, once again remembering the events from the night before all too vividly – Sinclair linking in from medlab to relay Garibaldi's warning, our increasingly frantic attempts to reach Earthforce One and, finally, the Commander joining us just in time to see the President's ship go up in a ball of fire.
An accident. Sure thing.
I snap myself out of the pointless reliving of things that can't be changed and head down the hallway towards the transport tube. Once inside I realize I have no clue whatsoever where I want to go. Being alone in my quarters is not a very appealing thought. But then, neither is joining the random crowd in the casino or the Zocalo.
Garibaldi is still comatose. I went to see him this afternoon, but I know that if I go down there again now, I'm not going to get any sleep tonight.
Stephen has been operating for several hours today. I very much hope he's sound asleep by now and I'm sure as hell not going to risk waking him.
I briefly consider seeking out Sinclair. We've become closer these last few weeks and while he isn't likely to be in the state of mind to cheer me up right now, we could at least spend some time commiserating. But then I remember that Sakai is on the station. It's hard to believe we were celebrating their engagement just last night without– well, not entirely without a care in the world, but certainly far less troubled than we are now.
Delenn is out as well. We've talked from time to time – rather long talks occasionally – and the fact that she's not human might even have helped right now. But the Commander checked in about an hour ago, letting us know that the Ambassador was going to be indisposed for an unknown amount of time. I don't have the mental energy left to even try and imagine whatever that's supposed to mean. I'm sure he'll clear it up in the morning briefing.
The elevator starts and I decide to just let it take me to wherever it has been called to. Or, more precisely, I allow it to happen. Decision is a bit of an overstatement.
The door opens to reveal Miss Winters.
I stare at her blankly, trying but failing to force my brain into concluding whether running into her qualifies as good or bad. Seeing as I can't even make up my mind on that, I guess it's only natural I also can't decide whether to stay in the lift or pretend that I have been meaning to get off at this level all along. It's ended up being a moot point anyway because she has already entered and the doors have closed.
Instead of naming a destination she just turns towards me and I realize that the fact that we're not moving cannot possibly have escaped her attention. Smooth.
"I heard about Mr. Garibaldi…?" she says.
The question is obvious without being voiced. "No news yet," I answer.
"I'm sorry." There's a bit of uneasy silence, before she speaks up again, "Are you…," she trails off, shaking her head. "No, you’re not," she says, answering the second unasked question in a row herself.
I feel my anger rise for a moment but manage to clamp down on it before lashing out. Any fool would be able to see that I'm not okay. Telepathy is hardly required.
"Are you?" I hear myself echoing her question.
She makes a face. "Hardly."
I merely keep staring at her, my mind still sluggish. Just as she turns away and opens her mouth, obviously intending to state her destination, I manage to form some coherent thoughts after all.
"How about I buy you a drink this time?" My words make her turn towards me again, her surprise obvious. I shrug. "I'm off duty for today, so we won't even have to stick to coffee. I think the day calls for more than that."
"I'd like that," she says.
And suddenly, in spite of myself and for the first time since all hell broke loose, I feel myself smiling.
A tiny smile, but still.