Work Text:
Of all the people Mu Qing expects to find knocking on his door at ass o' clock in the morning, Feng Xin is at the very bottom of the list. Yet there he is, a few years older than Mu Qing remembers him and a large suitcase hanging behind him. Had Mu Qing been more awake his jaw probably would have fallen to the floor. Still, he catches himself and calms the storm running havoc in his head as a thousand questions fight to escape his mouth. Instead, he settles for something neutral.
"What are you doing here?" He asks, mustering his most indifferent expression, hoping the latter isn't too focused on the light tremors of his hands or the tight knot clenching in his stomach.
How long has it been since they last faced each other? Two? Three years? He cannot believe that Feng Xin is here right now, and he cannot comprehend why either.
Mu Qing watches as a myriad of expressions cross Feng Xin's face, from frustration and doubt before finally setting on a frown, his eyes refusing to meet Mu Qing's, boring holes through the wall behind him.
"I need your help…" Feng Xin says, resolute yet doubtful at the same time.
"Why?"
Why are you here? What makes you think I want to help you? What makes you believe I ever wanted to see your face again after you told me to scram and humiliated me? Is what he doesn't ask.
It seems that he doesn't need to say it and it must show on his face because as soon as Feng Xin decides to look up, something like shame makes his face falter.
“My ex kicked me out of my apartment and I don't have anywhere else to go." He says, and Mu Qing just keeps looking at him silently, wondering why he hasn't closed the door to his face yet. Still, somehow, he waits.
"Listen, I know I was wrong about what I did to you. And I know I was an asshole to you and you probably don't want to associate with me at all anymore…" He begins, and the mention of their last argument, their last everything for that matter, something ugly wakes in the pit of Mu Qing's gut, something he had tried to forget and bury deep inside. But even the oldest scars can open back up it seems, and Mu Qing sees red.
"And you still dare to show yourself in front of me? Don't you think you've done enough? Shouldn't you be begging on your knees for me to even be talking to you right now?" He spits out, feeling his anger grow the more he looks at the pained look on the others face.
Feng Xin falters in his steps and recoils down, his head hanging low.
"I know. Believe me I wouldn't have bothered you if I had any other option." He says.
What about Xie Lian, Mu Qing wonders, and so he asks, letting his curiosity get the best of him. His heart drops down to the bottom of his stomach when Feng Xin replies.
"I haven't seen him for more than a year. I… I left a few months after you did." He admits, and had Mu Qing been cruel he could have laughed to his face. Instead, he feels a strange sense of resignation settle in, or perhaps weakness born from pent up nostalgia and sentimentality. He doesn't know. He doesn't know anything right now. But when Feng Xin crouches down and bows, Mu Qing feels strangely shameful and moves to pull him up.
"Stop being embarrassing, stand up." He says, and Feng Xin obbeys. It is so strange to see him look so dejected and obedient.
"Why did you get kicked out?" He asks, eyeing Feng Xin's suitcase and raising an eyebrow when a blush makes its way up the man's cheeks. He mumbles something unintelligible.
"I didn't get that."
"My ex-girlfriend kicked me out." He says, louder this time, and his frown is so pronounced it looks like it's engraved in his face. Almost like it hurts, even.
Mu Qing stifles a bitter laugh.
"Ex-girlfriend?" He asks. Feng Xin shrugs.
"I've been crashing at a friend's for two weeks now and living in my car for the past two days. She changed the locks after throwing all my shit away. So it's safe to assume she's my ex now, I guess. But my friend is moving away and I don't have anywhere else to live until I get enough money to pay for my own place's deposit. So… I'm here now. " He does look a little dejected, which a sadistic part of Mu Qing finds quite satisfying.
Contrary to popular belief, Mu Qing doesn't enjoy seeing people struggle. He's had his own share of struggles in the past, paying for his mother's hospital bills and taking care of rent, and then funeral costs, to know that it isn't easy and that Feng Xin must be really desperate to come to him in particular. And while he still holds deeply engraved grudges, he isn't heartless.
"Fine. I have a guest bedroom, you can stay there until you find a place to live. But you take care of your own chores and stay out of my business. Am I clear?"
Feng Xin's face lights up and he gives him a tight smile, and Mu Qing hates how it sends a wave of warmth through his body, leaving him with light tingles in his fingers and aborted words dying on the tip of his tongue. He sighs.
"Get your ass inside" He says as he makes his way inside the house, leaving the door open for Feng Xin to follow him.
He gives him a quick tour of the house, not missing the slight look of bewilderment on the other's face. When they had last seen each other, Mu Qing had been struggling financially, balancing university and two jobs but his house was a clear display of opulence which made their time apart even more palpable.
Mu Qing feels the gap standing in between them, like a reminder of his own growth and can't find it in himself to ask Feng Xin how he went from a very well-off heir to some kind of homeless divorcee whose last resort is someone who he hasn't seen in years and has always disliked. He doesn't care to ask, he doesn't care at all. He is only doing this for his own peace of mind.
"This is the guest's bedroom." He points to the room on the right of the main corridor, just next to his room, which he pointedly ignores and proceeds to show him the bathroom.
"Just do whatever you need to, I'm tired and I have to wake up early tomorrow, we'll talk about all this tomorrow evening. Goodnignt." He says as he moves back to the comfort of his own room. As his hand reaches for the handle, he hears rushed footsteps and turns back to see Feng Xin looking at him from the threshold, his eyes a little wide and his mouth open just slightly. Mu Qing's mouth goes dry.
He seems to think over his next words for a while, and Mu Qing, well, Mu Qing waits for him to speak because he has never been able to stop caring about whatever semblance of companionship they used to have back then.
"Just… Thank you." Feng Xin says.
They look at each other for a moment before Mu Qing nods and turns away, closing his door and crawling back under his covers, burying himself in warmth and comfort as his heart clenches painfully.
That night, he dreams of past friendships and unspoken words and wakes up choked up on feelings he can only try to ignore for so long before they come back to bite him again.
***
The next week passes by in the blink of an eye. Mu Qing is busy with online board meetings and appointments and barely has any time to leave his office, even less so to talk with his guest.
The day after Feng Xin's arrival, they talked for a while, Mu Qing telling him about home rules and practical issues such as " no loud noises between 2pm and 4pm, this is when I hold my appointments " or " This is the wifi password. Also, don't feed the cats in the morning even if they're annoying, we have a system " to which Feng Xin nodded in agreement, not that he had any room for contradiction.
They barely spoke to each other after that, both because of their own schedules – Feng Xin was apparently working on a project to get back on his feet financially – and because Mu Qing couldn't find it in himself to indulge in small talk and reminisce.
He had worked so hard to heal from his past and he couldn't help but feel like it was coming back for him in the shape of a very sad and very ripped Feng Xin. And Mu Qing was anything but an easy target, so he wasn't not about to let it win over his resolve.
Days pass by and they shift into a careful routine of avoidance and tiptoeing around each other in the kitchen and common areas. Feng Xin cooks and cleans after himself, he never does his laundry on the same day as Mu Qing and he is a morning person while Mu Qing is a night owl, so all in all, they coexist in peace, and quiet, mostly. Days turn into weeks and Mu Qing feels an itch as Feng Xin starts looking at him.
It's unnoticeable at first, a few stolen glances as they cross paths leaving and going in their rooms, a discreet gaze following him as he moves around the kitchen to make dinner. But Mu Qing isn't known for his patience, and in the silence that stretches between them, he grows frustrated.
"Spit it out!" He ends up blurting out as he catches Feng Xin staring at him again.
The other seems to fold back inward as Mu Qing's eyes zero-out on him, looking him up waiting for a reaction.
As expected, Feng Xin takes the bait.
"What do you mean?" He asks, his hands moving from his laptop to settle on his lap. Mu Qing tries not to let his eyes stray down, locking gazes with him.
"You know exactly what I mean. You've been eyeing me like a deer in the headlights everytime we're in the same room. So spit it out so I don't have to be uncomfortable in my own damn house" He sighs, and Feng Xin shifts in his seat, looking awfully uncomfortable.
There is a moment when Mu Qing thinks Feng Xin is preparing to fight him but it never comes. Instead, Feng Xin sighs.
"Sorry. I didn't mean anything by that. I tend to stare a lot." He pouts.
Mu Qing isn't an idiot and he knows a lie when he hears one.
"Sure. Keep lying to me, I don't care. Whatever it is, just stop it. It's making me uncomfortable." He scoffs before grabbing a can from the fridge and moving back to his office.
Whatever Feng Xin's problem with him was, he was not about to let it bother him, and if the other had an issue, he knew the way to the door anyway.
With that thought, Mu Qing lets out an exhale and buries himself back in work until he passes out on his desk, blissfully unaware of the sound of footsteps making their way up to his office.
When Mu Qing wakes up the next day, he is still in his office, but there is a blanket secured around his shoulder and a cup of hot coffee on the other side of his desk.
***
Things begin to change after that, not in a noticeable way, but the air feels lighter and Mu Qing finds himself letting some of his walls down when Feng Xin is around. He often finds Feng Xin cooking breakfast in the kitchen when he wakes up, and, while he never mentions it, he always makes enough for two. Mu Qing notices that there is always hot coffee in the press when he leaves his 4pm appointments, even though Feng Xin is nowhere to be found in the room.
Feng Xin stops staring so much, or perhaps he gets better at it and Mu Qing stops caring as long as he doesn't feel a pair of eyes following him around the house.
Around the three-weeks mark of Feng Xin's arrival, the fridge is empty and Mu Qing decides to take a break and go shopping. As he goes to the living room to get his coat, he spots Feng Xin lounging on the couch, a cup of coffee in one hand, the other scrolling absently on his phone. He looks up when Mu Qing approaches.
"Are you going somewhere?" He asks, and Mu Qing considers ignoring him before answering.
"The fridge is empty, we need groceries" is all he says as he struggles to put his arm in his left sleeve.
Feng Xin stands up and reaches for the coat, straightening it and Mu Qing finally stops struggling with the damn coat as he turns to face Feng Xin, raising an eyebrow when the other starts putting on his own coat.
"What are you doing?"
Feng Xin crouches down to put on his shoes, a pair of worn out sneakers that Mu Qing wouldn't even touch with gloves and a stick.
"I'm coming with you?" He says? Asks? "I eat your food, the least I can do is help you buy it."
Mu Qing considers it. Makes a mental pros and cons list before shrugging and dropping a bunch of grocery bags into Feng Xin's arms.
"Better make yourself useful then."
The ride to the store is quiet, and Mu Qing tries to keep his eyes on the road but being so close to Feng Xin in such a small place is distracting and the space between them feels both too much and not enough.
Mu Qing isn't dense. He knows that their past isn't entirely behind them. He knows that they're due for a talk and that it will be nasty, but he doesn't know how to approach the subject and breathing around Feng Xin is suffocating.
He rolls the windows down and relaxes his jaw, even when Feng Xin's eyes keep burning holes through his back, even when Feng Xin takes the troller from him and throws Mu Qing's favourite brand of sweets inside, even when he holds out his own card to the cashier and carries all the bags inside.
Mu Qing is the one watching him this time, and it gets harder to look away.
***
It takes more time to build trust than it takes to destroy it, Mu Qing knows that from experience. And while he doesn't entirely blame Feng Xin for their group's falling out, he still feels wronged for the way he was antagonised until the very end. Call it grudges, call it insecurities, whatever it is has been eating Mu Qing from the inside, and Feng Xin acting like nothing ever happened makes a bitter part of him want to scream at him, break something.
As Feng Xin used to say, shit hits the fan and it's messy.
Mu Qing has been pacing out, balancing work and avoiding the elephant in his own house and it doesn't go unnoticed by Feng Xin, apparently.
It's 10PM and he is writing down a report on the company's investments for the month, his eyes dry and tired when he hears a knock on his door.
"Come in"
Feng Xin slips his head through the door, his eyes scanning the room before settling on Mu Qing, looking him up and down before frowning.
"I made coffee" Is what he says, before making his way inside and pushing the steaming hot cup towards Mu Qing.
"Thanks." Mu Qing replies and waits for Feng Xin to leave and go back to his room, like he usually does. Except he doesn't.
Feng Xin stays and his mouth curls in an ugly rictus, like he's trying to say something but also doesn't want to. Mu Qing isn't known for his patience and tonight, he has other things to do.
"What is it?" He asks.
Feng Xin looks conflicted. "You've been working all day, you should rest". He ends up saying.
Mu Qing sighs and takes a sip of his coffee, letting the bitter liquid warm him up and make his mind clearer by the second.
"I can't. I have stuff to do."
"Can't it wait until tomorrow?" Feng Xin asks and it's Mu Qing's turn to frown now. "At this rate you'll burn out by the end of the week".
"What's it to you?" Mu Qing asks. Why does it matter?
"Nothing. But I don't think you need to work more than twelve hours everyday to succeed."
And this, it seems, was not the thing to say because it triggers something ugly inside Mu Qing.
"And what do you know about what I have to do to succeed? You've never had to climb the social ladder because you were always on top of it!" He snarls, closing his laptop and pushing himself up.
Feng Xin's eyes widen, but old habits die hard.
"You know damn well this isn't what I meant! Why do you always have to be so fucking paranoid?" He shouts back. Mu Qing sees red.
"Why? You ask why, Feng Xin? Because no one has ever given me a chance to succeed but myself! I was the one who had to work 2 jobs to even be able to attend university! I was the one who had to pick up another job when Xie Lian broke down! I was the one you threw fucking rice at when my mother was dying and I barely had any money left for food! No one was ever on my side Feng Xin, you should know that better than anyone." He spits out, watching the colours gradually melt out of the other's face.
"You left us! You abandoned us!" Fenx Xin walks up to him until the desk is the only thing separating them.
"My mother was dying, Feng Xin! I had to leave to take care of her! And even then I still came back to try and help and you rejected me! And who are you to lecture me about loyalty? Where is Xie Lian right now?" He asks. And he knows it's cruel, he remembers the look on Feng Xin's face when he had first knocked on Mu Qing's door, telling him he had no idea where Xie Lian was, but his own frustration gets to his head and he steels himself.
"You have no idea what I went through either Feng Xin." He pushes his finger to Feng Xin's chest, willing the tears out of his eyes.
"Mu Qing…" Feng Xin deflates, but Mu Qing is tired and he needs to be alone. All the anger seems to leave his body and all he can feel now is fatigue.
"Get out." He sighs.
Feng Xin does and closes the door behind him. Mu Qing sits back on his seat and buries his head in his hands.
***
They don't talk for two days. Mu Qing keeps himself busy and gets takeout so he doesn't have to see Feng Xin in the kitchen. Their fight is still on his mind and he doesn't know how to feel about it. He knows Feng Xin didn't have bad intentions, but he also knows that he didn't understand Mu Qing's position, how hard he had needed to work to succeed, where other people were pulled up by wealth and privilege.
Feng Xin didn't understand that. He and Xie Lian were old money and had never had to worry about bills accumulating on the kitchen counter, about whether they were gonna eat that day or the one after, about insurance and gas. This had always flown above their head, not a concern, whereas Mu Qing had to fight to survive, had to work twice as hard to even have a chance to try. And it has made him who he is today.
Mu Qing is self-aware. He knows he is insecure about his status, he knows he is susceptible and harsh, but it all stems from his background and he isn't ashamed of it, never has been and never will.
Feng Xin is just a reminder of the social gap which had separated them for most of their teenage and college years. He is a reminder of Mu Qing's struggles, of Mu Qing's mistakes and flaws and it drives him to the edge.
Even so, thinking about Feng Xin, Mu Qing yearns for something. He yearns for familiarity, warm coffee and playful banter. He yearns for things they never had but that could be. He yearns for quiet drives to the store and domesticity.
Another day passes by and Mu Qing takes a leap of faith.
As he leaves his office and walks in front of Feng Xin's door, his feet stop in their tracks and he finds himself knocking on the wooden door, with no real idea of what he's actually doing.
A tentative "Come in" echoes from the other side and Mu Qing pushes the door open. It's his first time seeing the room since Feng Xin's arrival, and the room looks different, almost personal. It smells like Feng Xin, a mix of peppermint and faint sweet undertones, and it's a little messy from being lived in.
His eyes find Feng Xin's as the other looks up from the small desk by the window. He's still in his pyjamas and his hair is down. It's a sight that Mu Qing has never seen in the years they have spent together as Feng Xin always made it a point to have his hair tied in some kind of bun.
He looks more relaxed than Mu Qing has ever seen him yet his eyes show the opposite of that. He closes his laptop and turns to face Mu Qing. For once, Mu Qing has no idea what he's thinking.
It takes a great deal of determination but Mu Qing decides that he wants to so he takes the first step.
"About what happened the other day. I-I'm sorry for lashing out on you. And for using Xie Lian in the fight. That wasn't fair. I… I don't want to be stuck in the past but I don't want to forget either because some things still bother me to this day. So… yeah… I apologise, I guess."
Mu Qing feels blood rushing to his face and he knows that his cheeks are definitely blushing, but he wasn't raised a coward and holds Feng Xin's gaze until the end.
Feng Xin seems to be surprised, and his mouth opens and closes a few times before he finally shakes his head.
"You don't have to apologise, I'm the one who owes you an apology for blaming you even though I've left Xie Lian too. I didn't mean to offend you because I know that I was born lucky, but I did and I'm sorry." He breathes out, and Mu Qing feels the ghost of something creeping up on him and sending a wave of shivers down his spine.
Feng Xin continues. "I'm really grateful that you're letting me live here too. So… I'm sorry too for overstepping."
They look at each other for a while, and Mu Qing decides to sit on the bed, just a few feet away from Feng Xin's chair. The dimed rays coming from the window are the only source of light and they catch in Feng Xin's hair as it falls down to his shoulder blades in wavy strands of warm brown.
Not for the first time, Mu Qing notices that Feng Xin is, in fact, attractive. The sharp angles of his jaw and brows, his high cheekbones and dark eyes really look good on him.
Mu Qing gets lost in thoughts for a while when Feng Xin's voice brings him back to the present.
"Uh?" He asks, rather dumbly.
Feng Xin frowns, but it holds no real annoyance.
"I asked you if we're ok?" He repeats.
Mu Qing thinks for a while and nods. "Yeah. Yeah we are. I want us to be."
An invisible hand clenches around his stomach and twists when Feng Xin's face lights up with a smile and Mu Qing feels sick.
***
They grow into some sort of a routine. Every morning, Mu Qing wakes up and finds Feng Xin cooking in the kitchen. He sits at the counter drinking coffee as Feng Xin brings their plates and they eat together as the sun rises in the sky.
When Feng Xin is working on his project, Mu Qing brings him coffee on his way to his own office. After Mu Qing's online meetings, Feng Xin comes knocking on his door and they talk. About anything, work, life, chores or things they need to get the next time they buy groceries. Feng Xin settles down on one of the chairs opposite to his desk and they talk until it's time for dinner.
They try to alternate cooking dinner, but they both help around the kitchen.
"Can you pass me the spatula?" Mu Qing asks and Feng Xin obliges. He turns the omelette over before sliding it in their plates along with a few vegetables.
"Do you have to work tonight?" Feng Xin asks as they eat, the news playing in the background, but none of them is really listening.
"No. I have a meeting in town in the afternoon and throughout the week so I probably won't be working from home for the rest of the week." Mu Qins sighs.
He tried to work from home most of the time, but some tasks required to actually make it to the company, he hated those.
"Should I drive you there? I also have stuff to do in town tomorrow." Feng Xin asks, his mouth full of omelette.
"You're disgusting" Mu Qing says, with no real bite as he wipes the corner of his lips with a napkin.
He doesn't notice the stunned look on Feng Xin's face and dives back into his own food. "But if you don't mind driving me there, why not" he goes on.
Feng Xin nods dumbly. There's a complicated look on his face but Mu Qing thinks nothing of it. He's always been a weirdo anyway.
The next day, they both hop in Feng Xin's truck as he drives them both to town. The drive is peaceful save for the few times Feng Xin starts cursing the other cars in front of them and Mu Qing finds that he doesn't mind it too much.
When Feng Xin drops him in front of his company and waves him goodbye, Mu Qing awkwardly waves back before heading inside and raises and frowns when his secretary wiggles her eyebrows.
"New car?" She asks, and Mu Qing doesn't like the look on her face.
"No. My… uh… friend is driving me." He says, suddenly feeling insecure about the status of their relationship. Are they friends?
"You have friends?" She jokes.
"You better stop smiling if you wanna keep your job" He warns, and she laughs.
The sun is setting when Mu Qing gets a call from her again.
"Your friend is waiting for you in the lounge area." She says, and Mu Qing can hear her smile.
"Fuck off. Tell him I'll be there in a minute" He sighs and hangs up.
When he exits the elevator and steps into the lounge area, he spots Feng Xin immediately, firstly because he's the only one there and secondly because he sticks out like a sore thumb just by the awkwardness he's exuding.
"You look like you'd rather be anywhere but here." Mu Qing calls, and the relieved smile Feng Xin sends him makes his chest constrict and he nearly falters in his steps.
"And you're right. This place is fucking awful! Why is everything white?" He cries out. Way to be dramatic. Mu Qing weakly punches his arms and drags him to the exit, sending a well deserved middle finger to his secretary watching them with a mischievous smile from her desk.
"No one's forcing you to be here, I could have called a cab."
Feng Xin unlocks his car and they get inside. "I don't mind picking you up. I'm just saying the decoration is hideous." He shrugs.
Mu Qing can see that he's trying to pull them into the kind of banter they used to have when they were younger and he takes the bait.
"Says the guy who owns a green truck." He teases and Feng Xin goes on a rambling about car paints and how green was the cheapest option that wasn't white or black because those get dirty too quickly. Mu Qing tunes him out as he turns to the window, a small satisfied smile tugging at his lips. He's missed this. So much.
They get back home safely and Mu Qing wonders when he has started seeing it as their home rather than his. The thought makes him nervous and he decides it'll be a subject to overthink on another day.
They eat and watch a show on TV, and if Feng Xin falls asleep with his head on Mu Qing's shoulder it isn't anyone's business. Nor is his hand resting brushing loose strands out of his face before settling down on Feng Xin's thigh. It's no one's business but his.
***
Living with Feng Xin is easy. It's so easy that Mu Qing forgets that Feng Xin will leave, at some point, when he doesn't need Mu Qing anymore. He will leave and Mu Qing will go back to his normal life without him and it makes him wonder if he can go back to "normal".
Somehow, without him noticing, Feng Xin has become a fixed part of his life, and he has come to like it. In fact, he likes it so much it makes him ill to think about it ending.
Yet, Feng Xin gives no sign of wanting to leave. He buys new sheets for his bed and his favourite brand of beer is always stocked up in the fridge. He goes to town once in a while, but never talks about work, never talks about looking for a place to stay, and Mu Qing, egoistic Mu Qing, hopes he doesn't. Hopes he stays forever.
It isn't hard to come to terms with the fact that he considers Feng Xin his friend. His only friend for that matter. And so why would he want him to leave when he has a room for him and a key to spare? No, it's only logical that Feng Xin stays.
Even his secretary has gotten used to Feng Xin's presence. She doesn't even bother to call Mu Qing and just sends Feng Xin up the elevator to fetch him down so they can go home together, on the days Mu Qing can't work from home.
When he does, though, Feng Xin begins to just hang out around him and sleep on his desk while Mu Qing works late. And at some point, Mu Qing decides to just move his stuff from the office to the living room because at least Feng Xin will be comfortable and stop complaining.
It's one of these nights when Mu Qing has finished work late that he decides to make dinner. He's exhausted but work can't wait, so he settles on making pasta and salmon, eats and starts washing the dishes and using a towel to dry them up.
He's too engrossed in his own fatigue to notice the sound of footsteps walking around the kitchen counter and behind him.
A hot breath on his neck shakes him out of his reverie.
"Go rest" Feng Xin murmurs in a soft whisper against Mu Qing's ear, chest pressed against Mu Qing's back, his hands coming to grab the rag from Mu Qing's hands as his lips trail down the side of his neck down to his collarbone before pressing a small kiss there. Mu Qing's eyelids flutter at the tender touch and he gives in to Feng Xin's warmth engulfing him, relaxing as two warm hands brush against his hips as Feng Xin's arms guide him back to the couch in their living room.
For once, Mu Qing lets the weariness of the day settle in and nods.
"Mmkay. Just for an hour." He says in a daze, as he watches Feng Xin move back to the kitchen counter to finish drying up the dishes and cleaning up.
Mu Qing wonders, through his sleepiness, when their relationship shifted from nasty rivalry to such a sense of familiarity. There used to be only disdainful tolerance between the two of them as they fought for Xie Lian's attention, and when Mu Qing left, he had been so sure that they would never find peace within each other, that they were meant to bicker and fight, always.
And it had been, for a few years. But somehow they had found their ways back to each other.
At first, Mu Qing had thought it would be temporary, that the thrill of familiarity would fade away after a while, leaving him alone again. Yet Feng Xin was still there. He was still there. He never showed any will to leave, even after months, and now Mu Qing was afraid to hope.
He feels the couch shake as Feng Xin finally settles down, and smiles as he is handed a cup of green tea.
"You need to take a break. You won't get anywhere by overworking yourself." Feng Xin frowns, but his face is still open, earnest, and his eyes never leave Mu Qing. And Mu Qing thrives under his attention, basks under the intensity of his gaze, the downward curve of his lips. The silent exchange leaves his head spinning.
When did they both grow so comfortable around each other?
He lets his head fall back against the couch as Feng Xin turns the TV on, letting the muted sound drown his thoughts and insecurities for the night. He had never felt as confident in their relationship as he does now, and perhaps, he thinks, as he closes his eyes, perhaps he can stop doubting Feng Xin now.
When he wakes up two hours later, feeling noticeably better and rested, his head has been pulled to rest on Feng Xin's laps, and there are fingers running through his hair, softly disentangling the knots and brushing stray strands from his face. With a content sigh, Mu Qing lets himself drift back to sleep, but not before grabbing Feng Xin's hand in his and pressing it against his cheek.
"Don't leave" He whispers, not sure if he meant the couch or Mu Qing's life, and, almost hoping that Feng Xin didn't hear him. Yet, a strange feeling curls around his heart and clenches when Feng Xin replies, almost instantly.
"I'm not going anywhere"
Mu Qing likes this so much. He likes Feng Xin so much.
Oh. So this was what it was, then.
As he considers it, lulled by Feng Xin's warmth, he finds that he doesn't mind it at all.
"Okay."
He lets his eyes close and falls asleep immediately, at peace with himself.
***
Mu Qing is freaking out. He just woke up with his cheek pressed against something soft, which happens to be Feng Xin's thigh, and the realisation that he likes him dawns on him just as the other starts to stir and wake up.
And now he's staring into Feng Xin's sleep-induced, glassy, starry eye and none of them is looking away. Hell, Mu Qing can even see his own reflection in Feng Xin's eyes and he looks freaking enamoured .
He isn't sure that he wants to move. But looking into Feng Xin's face makes him want to do things he shouldn't, and Feng Xi looking back at him so earnestly, like there is nothing wrong with him, like there's nothing in the world that could ever break this moment, sends shivers down his spine.
He thinks back to the night before, to the ghost of Feng Xin's lips on his neck, of his hands around him and wonders if he has dreamt it all. He definitely hasn't, which leads him to his next thought.
What the fuck is going on?
His eyes slowly shift from Feng Xin's eyes to his lips. He wonders how Feng Xin tastes, wonders what it would feel like to lean in and just kiss him. He can feel Feng Xin's hot breath tingling against his skin and realises just how close they are standing to each other, how somehow, one of them must have gotten closer. It wasn't Mu Qing.
If I move just a little right now, we will kiss . He thinks, and the thought, the realisation of the realness of this moment makes him hyper-aware.
Just when he thinks of moving away, Feng Xin leans in, pressing a chaste kiss on Mu Qing's lips, a barely-there touch that still manages to make his skin flare up and his hair stand on ends. He looks at Feng Xin in shock, but the other seems unaffected, still smiling and cradling Mu Qing's face in his hands.
Flustered, Mu Qing leans away from the exchange and yawns, stretching his limbs, still sore from their night on the couch.
"Good morning. Has anyone told you you look and act just like a cat?" Is the first thing Feng Xin says, and the ugly laughter that escapes Mu Qing's mouth at the randomness of the situation makes both of them dizzy with something . It's left hanging as they look at each other.
After he calms down, Mu Qing smiles and stands from the couch, dragging the two of them to the kitchen as he starts preparing breakfast. Feng Xin sits on the counter and Mu Qing can feel his eyes following him.
They're eating some kind of burnt toast with butter when Feng Xin looks up and takes Mu Qing's free hand in his, turning it face up and intertwining their fingers under Mu Qing's bewildered gaze.
"You're free today, right?" He asks. Mu Qing nods, his eyes locked onto their hands, following the slow movement of Feng Xin's thumb, tracing circles on the back of his hand.
"Do you wanna get coffee at Starbucks or something? I heard there's a discount these days." Feng Xin asks and Mu Qing nods again, wondering when Feng Xin's touch had started turning him into a brainless slug, because that's definitely how he feels at the moment.
"Sure. Yeah." His throat feels dry and he retracts his hand. "I'll go get ready. Yeah.".
He leaves and closes the door of the bathroom behind him, letting his back fall against the door and groaning as he buries his face in his hands in embarrassment.
Cold water does wonders to clear his mind and he soon emerges back from the shower feeling refreshed enough not to embarrass himself in the next ten minutes. When he does, Feng Xin is ready and waiting for him by the door.
Mu Qing is a fool and he smiles at him, getting a warm quirk of lips in return. Mu is a fool for Feng Xin and he wonders just how he hasn't noticed it before. He has always been influenced by Feng Xin in a way or another, if making decisions out of pure spite counts. It probably does. But this is different. This is Mu Qing feeling so full he's threatening to burst and stain Feng Xin with his ugly feelings.
They walk side by side making small talk along the way, and Mu Qing feels content. Their shoulders brush from time to time but it's rare enough that it goes unnoticed and soon enough they're waiting in line by the register.
"Good morning! I'm your barista for the day, what can I get you two?" A cheerful girl around their age asks from behind the counter.
"'l'll get an iced coffee with extra caramel and whipped cream, and this heathen drinks his coffee black with no milk no sugar" Mu Qing tells her as Feng Xin nudges his shoulder after she leaves to prepare their orders.
" He-xiong! Care to help for a minute?" She chirps and a low grunt answers her
Mu Qing shakes his head and focuses back on his friend.
"What. Don't tell me I'm wrong, we live together and I make you coffee everyday"
Feng Xin frowns. Not that he doesn't always frown anyways. "Black coffee is better than the obscene amount of sugar that you put in yours."
"Well at least I'm true to my taste and not drinking it because I wanted to fit in with other straight frat jocks." Mu Qing teases, and this time, Feng Xin's frown reaches uncharted depths from the amount of tension they seem to hold.
"What do you mean by that?" He asks, and Mu Qing shrugs.
"By what?"
"That I wanted to fit in with other straight frat jocks?"
Mu Qing frowns too. "Why? Weren't you?"
"I wasn't!" Feng Xin retorts, and he seems so genuinely upset that Mu Qing cannot even grow frustrated by their conversation.
"A jock?" Mu Qing asks, in disbelief, because if there was one thing that Feng Xin has been, it was a jock. A nice one, but a jock nevertheless.
"Straight! Goddamn it Mu Qing, are you fucking with me?" Feng Xin says as he grabs Mu Qing's hand again. Mu Qing short-circuits.
He doesn't have time to reply because the barista calls their name and they walk up to the counter to pay.
"That'll be ten and fifty five cents. Should I give you our couple discount? It's a February thing, you know, with Valentine's Day coming this week."
"Yes, please." Feng Xin replies, just as Mu Qing does too.
"No, you got it wrong, we're just friends"
They look at each other, both with confusion written on their faces.
"What?"
Mu Qing usually would have laughed it off, played it as a joke to get the discount on Feng Xin's part. Except Mu Qing can see specks of anger and hurt on Feng Xin's face and he grows more and more confused as the other suddenly seems to shut off, handing a bill to the cashier and leaving with their platter, dropping it on a table with enough strength to break it in two.
Mu Qing's heart sinks as he follows Feng Xin to their table and the other has an ashen look on his face, his eyes burning cold.
"Feng Xin, wait!" Mu Qing calls out, but there's still nothing. "What's wrong?" He asks, throwing aside all pride as pure panic engulfs him. He tries to reach for Feng Xin's hand but the other smacks it as he retracts it, his eyes boring holes through the table.
Mu Qing feels helpless. He's hurt Feng Xin and he doesn't know why, and he has no idea how to right the wrongs because he's not perceptive enough to know what he did.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what I did wrong but whatever it is I'll change it. Feng Xin, look at me please!" He pleads, desperate, and Feng Xin's placid gaze meets his. Their eyes lock and Mu Qing can see his own fear reflected in Feng Xin's eyes
"Fuck it. We're just fucking friends?" Feng Xin speaks, and his voice is dripping with ice and the snark of a wounded animal. "They're all wrong and we're just friends?"
Mu Qing is speechless. "I'm… sorry? What do you mean?" His mind travels back to their time together, the cosy mornings drinking coffee together in the kitchen, watching TV with their shoulders pressing against each other and making jokes about the acting. He thinks of lips against his skin and hands in his hair and can't find it in himself to feek Feng Xin retracting back to a stranger.
"I thought we were friends? I thought we've become close enough to consider us friends? I'm sorry if I overstepped, I've never… I've never had a real f-friend before and I thought you felt the same?" He speaks, voice no louder than a whisper.
"Fucking hell I can't… Not here"
He looks up, bewildered as Feng Xin stands up, his knees hitting the edge of the table and grabs him by the arm, dragging him out of the shop and to the parking lot.
He brings them to the back of the shop and stops.
"Feng Xin!" Mu Qing half-shouts, he can feel his throat clenching up and his eyes are beginning to burn with tears. "Feng Xin, you have to tell me what's wrong… Are we not friends? Is that what it is? I'm sorry, okay? I won't assume anymore".
This seems to be Feng Xin's breaking point and Mu Qing sees the anger and frustration flash in his eye.
"I don't wanna be your fucking friend!" Feng Xin screams and they're lucky enough that the parking lot is empty because it's loud enough to make Mu Qing's ear buzz as his heart twists in his chest. "I've never wanted to be your friend you fucking idiot!" Feng Xin keeps shouting and Mu Qing starts drowning in his own thoughts, his knees threatening to buckle in as he feels the shame of having opened up to someone like an idiot.
He doesn't want to be your friend.
He has never wanted to be.
He doesn't care about you, who would?
"Oh. I see." And Mu Qing really does. He realises how mistaken he was. Opening up to Feng Xin has been a mistake, he had misread everytime and managed to make it even more painful for himself by adding in feelings. He doesn't even register that he has started crying when Feng Xin's voice calls him out of his own thoughts.
"You are a fucking idiot. So dense… I thought… Nevermind." Feng Xin mutters, his voice laced with resignation before he reaches to grab Mu Qing by the collar and smashes their lips together in what could be described as more of a punch than anything else. Mu Qing lets out a low moan as Feng Xin bits his lip and tugs at the hair at the back of his neck. Feng Xin uses the opportunity to slip his tongue inside and Mu Qing has never been kissed like that.
He grunts in surprise when Feng Xin's hands lower to curl around his hips and press them flush together. But he doesn't even have time to reciprocate before Feng Xin pulls back with a conflicted sigh and shoves him back.
Mu Qing looks up, his heart hammering so loud that he can hear it and watches as Feng Xin takes a step back.
"I hate you" He says, before walking up to their car and driving off, leaving Mu Qing alone in a Starbucks parking lot, his head dizzy from being kissed silly and his eyes still full of unshed tears.
As he watches the car drive away, he lets his fingers press against his lips, and wonders if they're as flushed as the rest of his face must be. Most likely.
It's a good thing that there is a bus stop nearby, because as soon as Mu Qing gets back home, all his walls crumble down and so does he.
He cries, even though he’s not too sure why, and no one can hear him in his now empty house.
***
The next day, Mu Qing's eyes are puffy and red as he looks at his reflection and he knows Feng Xin hasn't come back because his laptop is still on the kitchen counter where he left it the day before, and the house is full of other reminders of his presence. There is no escaping him for Mu Qing and he is doomed to keep finding small parts of Feng Xin around the house as he tries to go on with his day.
Needless to say it’s nearly impossible and he can’t seem to gather his thoughts, his mind going back to their argument, playing Feng Xin’s words over and over wondering where they went wrong.
Mu Qing likes Feng Xin, he does, he’s come to terms with it and he’s grown embarrassingly fond of the other over the course of the last months. He had accepted that and had also accepted the fact that Feng Xin doesn’t reciprocate, along with the assurance that he wouldn’t act on those feelings.
But now Feng Xin is gone, Mu Qing is alone and still hung up on the way Feng Xin had kissed him with all the anger of a man who had nothing left to lose, wondering what he’s supposed to do now.
He glances at his phone and the dozen unread notifications he had left ignored since the day before and wonders if he should shoot Feng Xin a text. His fingers hover over Feng Xin’s contact info. There’s about a hundred reasons why he shouldn’t text him, and his ego is urging him not to, but Feng Xin’s absence is like a hole in Mu Qing’s chest and he knows that if he doesn’t act on his feelings he will regret not taking a chance.
It’s difficult, pushing his pride aside and facing his feelings up front. Mu Qing has always been guarded, and has always kept his emotion hidden under a thick mask of indifference and sarcasm. Not necessarily out of dislike for other people, but out of self-preservation and fear of rejection.
Mu Qing cannot get over rejection, he takes it as a blow to his pride and uses the scar it causes as a new layer of protection, forever guarding his heart from potential offences. And yet, he’s so ready to bare it all to Feng Xin, to expose himself to his piercing stare and beg for him to just stay .
It’s only after living with him for so long that Mu Qing realises how lonely he’s been all his life. That he realises how much love he has to give, so much it’s overflowing and spilling all over him and aching for something back. Never has Mu Qing felt the need to be so vulnerable until Feng Xin came barreling back into his life, breaking his walls down with rough hands and soft touches.
Mu Qing clicks on the number under Feng Xins name and begins typing. It’s short, forward, and very much him. Without giving himself time to think it over and regret it, he presses “send” and throws the phone on the other side of the couch.
From: Me
I need to talk to you. Please.
It isn’t until a few hours later, when Mu Qing has stopped waiting, that his untouched phone buzzes on the couch. Mu Qing grabs it and exhales as he reads the message.
From: Feng Xin
I am free tomorrow after 6pm. I will come over.
The hand that had seemed to be digging into his heart relaxes a little and Mu Qing finds that he finally has some room to breathe. Feng Xin is giving him a chance to explain himself. Giving them a chance to make things right and talk things out.
From: Me
Works for me. See you tomorrow.
Mu Qing locks his phone and sighs. It's good enough thag Feng Xin agreed to meet with him, but he needs to think things over. He is given one chance to succeed and he cannot let his own temper ruin it.
He goes to sleep with Feng Xin's face in mind and hopes for the best.
***
The next day, Mu Qing is pacing around the house waiting for Feng Xin to arrive. He spends the day catching up on work in the kitchen and keeps stealing glances through the window showing the entrance of the driveway.
He had time to think about his feelings, they were clear enough already, but Mu Qing kept thinking about Feng Xin's and the realisation dawned on him that Feng Xin had thought they were together , or something of the sort. And Mu Qing had been so hell bent on looking back to their past that he never realised just how drastically different the present was.
He had been so oblivious that he had hurt Feng Xin's feelings in the meantime, unconsciously pushing him away, holding him at arm's length when he wished for the opposite.
They were comfortable, in a domestic way that made the hungry monster inside Mu Qing purr, and Feng Xin had been so obvious, so tender and mindful of Mu Qing's feelings that Mu Qing had thought himself in the friendzone. Feng Xin was a constant, a foundation in Mu Qing's mess of feelings, pride and fears.
He had been the hand stabbing him in the back, while in the past. But he was also the hand pushing him forward, keeping him in reach and being offered to him when he was down.
Feng Xin is everything Mu Qing has been missing. He is the beginning and the end and Mu Qing is so in love with him he doesn't know how to act.
Now, he is practically certain of what Feng Xin's feelings are, he just needs to hear it from the other, he just needs the confirmation to come from Feng Xin himself, a rational part of him needs it to be at peace.
When Feng Xin's car rolls down the driveway, Mu Qing hurries to close his laptop and waits for him to knock, eyeing the door with trepidation and a thrill of anxiety.
When Feng Xin does knock, Mu Qing is already halfway to the door, leaving behind what little pride he has left. When a door is all that's separating him from Feng Xin, he will knock it down if need be. He pulls the door open, feeling a little bit breathless when it reveals Feng Xin, standing way too close. Way too far.
“Hi” He says.
“Hi” Feng Xin replies.
Mu Qing is taken back to their last time together, the kiss, followed by the very words Mu Qing has learned so many times but never hurt him as much as they did then. It seems that Feng Xin is thinking about something similar because a difficult expression crosses his face and he winces.
Mu Qing doesn't know how long they stand at the door, eyeing each other and not knowing what to do.
He doesn't know either who makes the first move, but the next thing he knows, Feng Xin has him pressed against the wall and is kicking the door shut as he devours Mu Qinq's mouth with the same desperation as their kiss on the parking lot.
Mu Qing's entire body is aflame, shaking as Feng Xin holds him up and he slips his hands around his back and neck to keep himself grounded. The long speeches of apologies are long forgotten in the back of Mu Qing's mind as Feng Xin busies himself with worshipping his skin, moving on to the side of his jaw, lips trailing down religiously to his neck as Mu Qing holds him close and drowns in the feeling.
It's overwhelming and not enough and everything Mu Qing has ever wished for and he wonders how he has managed to live without it for so long, how he has convinced himself that they were meant to be apart.
There is no doubt in the way Feng Xin is mouthing at his neck right now, and Mu Qing breathes out his name like it's the only thing he remembers, like it's the only thing he's ever known at all.
He lets Feng Xin swallow the words out of his mouth as they fall back on the couch and his friend moves back up and bites his lips.
Somehow, the pain seems to remind Mu Qing that they actually need to talk and he presses his hand to Feng Xin's chest, pushing him back softly.
"Feng Xin… Feng Xin, we need to talk." Mu Qing murmurs, and he buries his face in the other's neck as he sighs. Feng Xin makes no attempt to detach himself from him, grunts, and Mu Qing is the one who had to disentangle himself, moving back from Feng Xin's lap and into the couch.
He immediately misses the contact, but some things need to be done, others to be said, and Mu Qing wants them to do it right, he wants to do things right for Feng Xin.
He looks up from his lap to look at Feng Xin, who has somehow managed to reposition himself in a more decent position and is resolutely looking at the bin in the corner like it has personally offended him. He looks flushed, they probably both do, but his usual frown has reappeared and he looks uncertain, like he's doubting, even now, that Mu Qing wants him.
Mu Qing reaches out to grab his hand, shyly intertwining their fingers and giving it a reassuring press. Feng Xin's eyes go a little wide, but he doesn't take it back.
"Hey" Mu Qing calls out, and he lets his thumb rub circles against the top of Feng Xin's hand until it relaxes in his hold, "I want this, you know? With you."
Feng Xin scoffs. "Sure felt like it." And Mu Qing finds how easily for his glare to come back. He knows it's just Feng Xin being defensive, though, as the other sighs. "I shouldn't have done that the other day,'' he says.
Mu Qing nods in agreement. "Probably not. But… I hurt you. Didn't I?". His heart drops a little when Feng Xin nods.
"You couldn't have known… I wasn't- I never made it clear- " He frowns and closes his eyes for a second, gathering his thoughts. "I made assumptions about the nature of our relationship and you couldn't have known. It hurt to hear that you didn't think of us the same way, but it was my fault."
Mu Qing shakes his head. It is true that he didn't know how Feng Xin felt, but there were signs, obvious signs of his feelings and Mu Qing had ignored them in favour of wallowing in self-loathing and bitterness.
"We've both hurt each other." Mu Qing admits. "It's… not fine, but I can forgive you and I hope you'll forgive me too".
"I do. Obviously I do, Mu Qing… You've been hurt by me so many times before because I made assumptions about you and your intentions and this time, I did it again." His lips slightly purse out in a frustrated pout. "Somehow, with you, I never seem to get it right."
Mu Qing feels the same way. Ever since they met each other in highschool, stranded by their common friendship with Xie Lian, they had always misunderstood each other, seen each other as enemies rather than allies, and these misconceptions ran deep, even with their best intentions.
But never before had they talked so honestly. Never before had they tried to make it work. Mu Qing yearns for that. He yearns to learn about Feng Xin, slip through his bluntness and feel the warmth of his heart, buried so deep under layers of hurt and his fear of abandonment.
Mu Qing wants to be the one Feng Xin trusts and confides in. He wants to hold Feng Xin's hand and reassure him in his own crooked way that they can work with each other. He wishes to tell him that they will work together, but he doesn' know.
What he knows, however, is that Feng Xin needs just as much reassurance as Mu Qing does.
"Listen. You're so frustrating, and insufferable and even though you blame me for not talking about my feelings, you are just as cryptic in your own way. It's infuriating and for a while, I really thought I hated you…"
Feng Xin snorts. "You know, if you wanted to insult me we could have done this over text."
"Shut up and let me finish, idiot." Mu Qing leans in and grabs Feng Xin's other hand and brings them to press flat against his chest. "You and I, we clash, we blame each other and we're both too hot-headed to be civil with each other most days. But I also think we work well together. You challenge me and make things… fun. We… We fit in the cracks of each other's flaws and I like it, you know?"
Mu Qing has never been the emotional type, but he really wants, needs , Feng Xin to understand how he feels.
"I like it, and I like you." He frowns. "No, actually, I dont. I love you. So if you do too…"
He looks up expectantly, and gasps when he sees how close Feng Xin is standing, just as the other presses close and retracts his hands from Mu Qing's chest to cup his cheeks.
"You…" He sighs, and his breath makes Mu Qing's skin tingle "... are so dense." He presses their foreheads together. "How do you not know how I feel about you, Mu Qing?"
His voice is low and it sends shivers down Mu Qing's spine as he speaks.
"I love you too, of course I do. How could I not? I probably even did long before I even realised."
Ah, and there it is, Mu Qing thinks, as Feng Xin's words hit, that feeling of completion, settling inside of him as his mind clears out and his words die on his lips.
Mu Qing sniffles as Feng Xin brings them close and locks his arms around his back and they breathe in each other's presence and the knowledge that neither of them are going anywhere. That this is it. Mu Qing and Feng Xin, as it has begun and as it will end, shall Mu Qing have it his way.
He lets his own arms curl around Feng Xin's shoulders and smiles against his neck as he presses a kiss there.
And Mu Qing's heart is so full, but for the first time in forever, it feels good. He leans away from the hug and presses his lips to Feng Xin in a soft kiss that makes the two of them smile.
"I love you" Feng Xin murmurs into the kiss.
“I love you too. Dumbass.” Mu Qing says. “Now shut up and kiss me again”.