Work Text:
Before spring comes
Before it gets warm, shall we meet?
Before the day comes
When everyone else is asleep, let’s meet
.
Jun shivered in the middle of the cold. Taereung rink was staring back at him, as if the answers were laid in there. He tried to smile to himself and kept on training.
He had no time to rest anymore. He wasn’t the kid recording his adventures in Canada as he skated anymore. He was a senior Olympic athlete, so he had to behave like that. He had to prioritize his country’s honor, his family, his people and his health so all of the above would be okay. He had to show the people what he was made of, who he was. He had to mentor the hoobaes while he was there, receiving Brian’s orders from the distance, by text and landing those godforsaken quads for Worlds. He would only know what would happen after Worlds were over. Until then, it was tunnel vision. He wasn’t ‘Jun’ in that rink, in that country. He was Cha Junhwan. And he was more than okay with that.
But… something was off, and Sihyeong knew about it. So he sat Junhwan down after an exhausting day with no cameras or MCs around them, to talk.
“Junhwannie, I think you should rest a little.”
Junhwan frowned. “Hyung, I’m okay.”
Sihyeong shook his head. “No. You need to give yourself a break.”
“I was fifth, hyung. I must strive for higher goals than that.”
Sihyeong held his hands, both of them gloved. “Junhwannie, please. We’re all proud of your hard work, but at least give yourself an evening to walk and get some air. It’s okay to work hard, but if you’re not mentally healthy it’ll be no use.”
Junhwan looked away. It looked like a mom scolding him rather than a hyung giving advice to his dongsaeng. Somehow, he has been more prone to irritation lately. Was it the stress? The tiredness from all the variety shows, interviews and skate programs he has been going to?
Something was missing. But he couldn’t pinpoint (or more likely refused to acknowledge) why.
“Junhwannie,” Sihyeong continued, chasing his gaze with tender familiarity. “Have you told the staff to give you a break?”
The youngest frowned again. “I wouldn’t dare to disrespect them like that.”
“Okay. And have you told your family about this?”
Junhwan looked up in surprise. “No…?” he said doubtfully. “I mean… they have their own problems too. I must work even harder to assure myself that they’ll be okay.”
His Jun facade outside of Korea was real, yes, and he was genuinely happy that local and international fans alike were supporting him. When he stepped into Incheon Airport after returning from Beijing, he felt all the exhaustion from those days falling like a dead weight on his back. He was home. Finally home , and not by force like during the strongest months of the pandemic.
But he was still Cha Junhwan. Cha Junhwan the skater, the athlete, the one who was the most popular after Kim Yuna. He had to live up to his name and reputation and give the people and himself what he promised himself to strive for, when he was just a kid. And said thing would only be accomplished if he trained hard enough to forget any other distraction. That’s how he worked normally, but…
Sihyeong gave him an empathic stare at his sudden silence and fixed gaze at the ground. “Junhwannie, you should go outside for a little while. Take air, I’ll tell them to leave you be for an hour or so.”
Junhwan looked up, still fighting the urge to break from his athlete mask. “Are you sure?”
“Yes, yes. Don’t worry, your development won’t plummet down over an hour with yourself outside the ice.
Little did he know that to Junhwan, that was the least of his fears at that precise moment.
Junhwan was sitting on a bench, watching the cars and the city lights adorning the night. There were little to no cars and it was rare at that time of the day, even more in a city like Seoul. The wind was blowing and anyone who wasn’t wearing five layers of clothes or a thermic coat, would probably freeze. Junhwan had the second one. It would probably start snowing at any minute, so he knew he wouldn’t be able to stay for much longer, the cold breeze hitting his face even if he was wearing his mask and scarf.
He checked his phone. The typical “Junhwan-ah, there’ll be food in the fridge” text from his mom, some miscellaneous things from his brother, some memes his friends had sent him, and…
… Conrad.
Conrad had been Jun’s biggest strength but Junhwan’s biggest distraction, and he had decided not to drown in those indulgences. It had been a month and a week since he left Beijing to focus on Worlds that were around the corner by now, and almost two months since he last saw Conrad in person. The blond’s texts and calls were good for Junhwan to survive for a while, but when he noticed he was getting less hours of sleep and getting distracted during training or filming with whatever he was telling him, he knew it was time to stop. Athletes were one track minded. They didn’t need to miss people. He would come back to Canada anyways.
Except for the fact that he missed Conrad more than life.
I know this sounds foolish, but I’m afraid to go to you
Even if you don’t understand
It’s alright, it’s alright
Because there’s still a lot of time
The thoughts Junhwan wanted to avoid were swallowing him alive. It was physically painful for him not to open the chat and reply, because it’d hurt Conrad even more if he left him on read. So he didn’t even bother to do that. Junhwan knew he was being selfish and arrogant and fuck if he wasn’t aware of it. He damned was. But he couldn’t help it, not when his heart started doing weird somersaults ever since Conrad admitted to him that he missed him. Not when he unconsciously smiled whenever he thought of him. Not when he had sometimes the stupid impulse to quit his career, leave the rinks, the ice, the skates, and fly to Canada as soon as he could just to jump into his arms. That wasn’t it. He couldn’t. But sometimes he so wanted to.
Junhwan— no, Jun , missed him miserably. And it was weird because during all those years, he could stay in Korea for months unbothered and relaxed with his family, training wherever knowing that things would dissipate soon. And now it had been barely a month and he was crumbling down over a boy, a young man, who was his best friend and now was responsible for his high school girl blushes and illusions. Jun was falling for the right person, at the most wrong of times.
And as if the accusatory tears that were falling already weren’t evident enough, the winter skies joined him in his catharsis, snowing their own tears down to him as comfort. But Jun didn’t want that. He wanted to go back. To Brian, to Jason, to Bruce, Corey, Joseph, Yuzuru, to Conrad. To his smile, to his encouragement, to the fact that he didn’t care if he was an Olympic sportsman.
“Fuck,” he hissed, trying to wipe his tears that never stopped coming out. What would Conrad do if he were beside him right now? The ever kind soul wouldn’t even be mad at his sudden disappearance. Conrad would probably understand, simply smile and hug him. Hug him with their minimal height difference, remind him that it is okay to take breaks, make him laugh and tend to his wounds just like Jun would do right back at him. He would be his emotional counterweight, as he was the most emotional of the two, and Jun would be thankful. Because most of the time, he was able to rationalize his emotions and carry on, but how could he rationalize love? He didn’t want to rationalize love, to throw it away like all the things he didn’t need at the moment. Yet he knew he was bound to do so, as the interviews and programs and Worlds coming up were far from over.
Junhwan rarely was one to get stuck in a situation. He’d quickly draw his cards, analyze the situations and then logically move to the next step; because as in sports, life is all about keep going no matter the adverse circumstances. His emotions were his issue to work on, and he wasn’t going to let his friends, family or Conrad himself take the blow for his own confusion. But he hated to admit that his “now what?” questions were left empty and unanswered with this. He didn’t know what to do besides ignoring these feelings, because he wasn’t one for half hearted emotions whenever he felt them. He regulated them immediately, yes, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel as a whole.
Conrad would probably stop his head from rambling and simply lay his head on his own shoulder, shutting his mind from compulsive calculation. He would pay to see him for five minutes, hug him and then keep going. A mere hug from him would give him the energy to continue, but… yeah. All he had now was a complicated heart, betraying tears and the feeling of a hole in his stomach. Jun was lost. He genuinely had fun these days, joking with the MCs and having interesting interviews and photoshoots running around, but that didn’t quench the looming, ice cold feeling of missing Conrad. He was expecting his texts, his typos as he replied when barely awake, his goofy smiles, his laughter…
“I miss you,” Jun whispered into his hands, as the snow was silently witnessing the heartbreak of the everlasting serenity. “I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. ”
“I want to see you, I want to… to tell you, I want to hug you, god damn it, and never let you go—”
The Conrad in his mind smiled with his ears being tinted pink, and looked down as he usually did when embarrassed. Jun hiccuped.
“N-never let you go…”
How long could he still wait until he went back with these realized feelings? With the urge to confess all of them to Conrad via hushed whispers and revealing tears? He was scared, yes; how would he look at him in the eye with all these weighing emotions around his own heart? He didn’t know. Should he be straightforward? Should he wait? When was all this going to end, for the best or worst?
He looked at the snow around him. Probably after the snow melted. After the winter ending and spring starting to bloom the new beginnings before him. When things finally come to a conclusion, ready to start a new skating season as per chapter of his life. And until then, he’d let his heart bleed for his fans and the single boy who captured his heart.
Actually, looking at you
Watching over you
Makes me happy
Just looking at you smiling
Just watching over you makes me feel at peace
“Are you feeling better now?” Sihyeong asked. “You’re such one for sitting down, reflecting and then going back to the battle.”
“Yes, hyung,” Jun replied back, firmly despite his puffy eyes. “Now, let’s get those quads again.”
Sihyeong blinked. “Are you really okay?”
“Yeah,” Jun shrugged. “It’s not going to be convenient if I keep moping around. Winter’s about to end, spring will soon come,” he cryptically muttered, sighing. He didn’t clarify if he was referring to his own feelings or the current skating season, but he left it hanging like that. “So I better cool my head and keep on training. That’s all that’s left.
Sihyeong gave him a one-arm hug. “Don’t push yourself too much, Junhwannie,” he whispered. “We all have a place to return to when things go wrong.”
My family.
My friends.
Him.
Him.
Him.
“I know, hyung,” Jun assured. “Once this is over, we’ll finally rest a little.”
He ignored the single tear that rolled down, and silently hoped that Sihyeong would do the same.
I don’t want to go to you
I’m afraid I’m contagious
When I forget my tears and my sadness
When spring comes to me too
Then, then, then
Then…
.