Work Text:
We’ve been done
Long before it all began
Still can’t give it up
Lead me on
But leave before the morning comes
Even though it’s what we want
Can’t keep this up for long
Before the night Conrad texted Jun, three weeks in the time the other boy had arrived in Korea and stayed there, he dreamed.
Dreamed of finding him, but he couldn’t reach out as Jun was apologetically smiling, holding his luggage and a backpack, mask hanging from his ear and wearing his training clothes.
“Jun?” Conrad asked cautiously.
“Sorry, Conrad,” Jun mused. “Didn’t I tell you that I left Cricket?”
Conrad froze. “No…? No, Jun, you didn’t tell me. What the hell is going on?” He demanded, getting scared by the second as he frowned. The pandemic was getting more controlled, they finally had reunited after a year of Zoom calls and hasty texts that were replied twelve hours later… So why would he do this?
Jun shrugged, smiling lazily. “I miss my country. I miss my family, and my true friends. So, yeah. During those years, I realized who are the people I want to be with.”
Conrad blinked, his hazelnut eyes getting crystallized. No… Well, he was in his right. Canada wasn’t Korea, his family was in Seoul and not in Toronto. His former coaches and rink were in Seoul and not in Toronto. He could understand why he would want to leave… but why would he leave without even saying goodbye?
“You didn’t tell me beforehand,” he whispered, taken aback. “You always tell me.”
Jun blinked, perplexed. “But you never really demonstrated that you cared.”
Conrad shot his head up. “What do you mean?! I always did and I always do! I cling to you like a goddamned keychain, I follow you everywhere!” he exclaimed in frustration.
“Sometimes… you have to be more direct, you know.”
“Jun, you know I love you. You’re my best friend, and I don’t even care that I’m constantly overshadowed by you. I want the best for you, and I want to make you happy!” Conrad shouted. He couldn’t move. Why couldn’t he move? He had to hug Jun. He had to tell him that everything was alright—
“Well, it’s a bit too late now, isn’t it?” Jun mumbled, smiling at him with a look that was a weird mix between disdain and pity. Conrad was astonished.
“No. Jun. Don’t leave. At least not now, postpone it for next week, I don’t know, fuck , just don’t leave me here—”
“It’s not like you’re alone, aren’t you?”
Silence.
Jun started turning around, leaving Conrad behind.
“Junhwan!” Conrad yelled, tears starting to fall. “Junhwan, don’t leave me!”
(I just, I just don’t wanna leave you
Might just, might just throw away the reasons why)
Taereung rink really feels like home
[09:23]
rlly?
i mean LOL it was your childhood rink
but yea i getcha
[09:23]
It is, and I really missed it
Look
[📸 Image]
It was snowing so hard outside!
[09:24]
oh wow
your hair has snowflakes lmao
[09:24]
They disappeared almost instantly once I started training
I’m really tired
Worlds are coming with each day and I feel nervous haha
[09:25]
hmm
can’t tell u to not be
but i’m sure you'll do amazing :)
remember to rest u blockhead
[09:26]
Aww thank you
You too, rest a lot
I don't get to rest much
Variety programs, skating on said programs and interviews are crazy
Not bragging of course but haha it’s strange
[09:26]
it must be
so take your chances and spend all ur free time with ur loved ones mkay?
[09:27]
No worries, I’ve been doing so lately
Anyways
Thank you for texting me (ㆁωㆁ)
[09:27]
huh u better tell me the family gossip
and np
u sent me that boring ass meme last night so
[09:28]
Hey it was funny okay
[09:28]
whatever u say junbug
[09:28]
Meanie
I miss you all :(
[09:29]
we miss u too jun
[09:29]
You do?
[09:29]
yep
i do
[09:30]
Haha cute
I miss you too Conrad
[09:30]
“Can’t you stay put for a while?” Bruce cackled. “I wonder how you survived without him for a year and a fraction.”
“Shut it,” Conrad spat back, frowning. “It was my idea to not text him nor talk nor call him.”
“Yeah, because you said we’d bother him. Not because once you stepped in you would never stop.”
Conrad blushed. “Listen—”
“Guys, look!” Corey interrupted their argument. “Jun is on the Korean news! His interview program came out!”
Instantly, the other two young men sat on the stair Corey was at and peeked at his phone screen. Jun was looking splendorous, smiling all naturally and answering the hostess’ questions with his mild voice. Conrad couldn’t understand a thing, barely the separated words that Jun attempted to teach him; but he did look a bit relaxed, as if it was his natural place to be.
“His hair is curlier,” Bruce noted.
“Well, I bet the staff curled it up a bit, remember the backstages of the idols performances? They spend like four hours in the make-up rooms!” Corey replied.
“But he’s not an idol.”
“Well, by his popularity, he surely is!”
A stray subtitle peeked from the screen as Jun spoke.
“I’m very happy to be at home.”
Conrad felt as if he was sinking, bit by bit. And he didn’t know if it was due to his glossy lips (was that strawberry balm?) or due to the anxious sensation that Jun gave him, as he talked about finally reuniting with the ones he had missed and him finally relaxing between training for Worlds. He looked happy. On a flowered path , as Korean people would say.
He looked happy. And Conrad didn’t know how to feel about it.
(Honest, honest, that’s just a game we know
We both can’t play)
He woke up to a newly uploaded picture in Jun’s Instagram. He had posted it five hours ago, and it made Conrad groan. He simply double tapped and exited the app; it was a promotion anyways. He checked his texts and Jun had replied to his messages at three in the morning in Canada time. Well, it was starting to look like pandemic times again.
nice pic you uploaded there
[07:30]
It was nine in the evening for Jun. He probably was wrapping up training, or TV filming, or a photoshoot, or a radio interview. Who knows. Conrad sighed and got up from the bed, as it was an extra intensive training day.
He kept on looking at the picture Jun had uploaded. He looked confident, posing with a special coat for those freezing days. His eyes looked even clearer with the lighting and the contrast with the pitch black fabric, and had a comforting gaze to them like an animal would feel in its natural habitat. Something that whispered that he should stay there, as it was his home outside of all things.
And those same thoughts ruminated through his mind throughout the day, between the focus on his jumps (the Sal was behaving quite well lately) and the storming, pouring rain that was hitting Toronto as of lately. The intense drumming against TCC’s roof that echoed inside the building only helped Conrad to feel more tense, the knot in his stomach never really leaving. The first two weeks were manageable, but being that far away from each other always made him feel uneasy. It was the permanent reminder that Jun wasn’t Canadian. His home was in Korea, and as soon as he found another choice, a wider chance to grow even more into the Olympic athlete he was, he would leave TCC for bigger opportunities. He would be so far away from his grasp Conrad wouldn’t get to reach out for him, sinking into memories Jun would soon forget. Conrad would become a shadow, a blurry picture in his mind.
And the worst part of it was that Conrad was sad about the fact, but kind of resigned himself to it once he knew he was befriending a promising name in the Asian country. His heartbreak would be inevitable; Jun risking his name and opportunities for an average Canadian skater wasn’t an option. So he would just watch, clap loudly when his name appeared, cheer and support him from the shadows, dedicating his smiles and words of encouragement to him in silence. Jun didn’t even need to give him an answer; as long as Conrad could watch him, whether by his side or from afar, it was enough for him.
Jun was happy. That’s all that mattered for now.
(So deny the truth
We’ll stay behind closed doors
’Cause all I wanna do is lie with you)
Thanks (・∀・) it was for an ad so
I was happy to help out
[03:06]
He silently watched the TV shows Jun was in. Would anonymously like or upvote his positive comments, share and observe the rink surrounding him as he looked up from his phone. This place, this rink, had helped Yuzuru to grow. Javier as well. Jun as well. Yuna as well. Conrad could do this. He had to train, to become a big star, someone relevant. Someone Canada could rely on, and someone who could make Jun proud.
nice dance u had to do lol
[08:56]
YOU WATCHED IT
I want to die now
[04:05]
hey it was kinda cute
[07:45]
No it wasn't I looked like a mess
[10:00]
ur hair looks fluffy doe
[19:30]
Are you my fan now?
[02:59]
jun u know i have always been lol
just let me compliment u ffs
[07:23]
Okay okay
[17:09]
your ina bauer was fire in that demonstration
[22:00]
Thanks!
[20:56]
new ad pic? u look nice
[07:44]
Thank you
[05:01]
have a nice night
bruce says hi
[15:36]
shared the ogm’s links w all my family
u’re the favorite now
[20:20]
morning jun i hope u have a good day
i'll go to sleep rn
sweet dreams
[00:01]
Maybe it was better this way. His crush was starting to spin out of control, anyways.
“Conrad Orzel!”
He jumped at Brian’s voice, and skated idly to his coach.
“What’s wrong with you? It’s been a week and you haven’t been able to leave your autopilot mode,” Brian warned. “You just mechanically jump and spin, and you’re putting little to no heart in this at all.”
Conrad looked at the ice. He didn’t dare tell him that his initial happy resignation over Jun was transforming into grey, numb heartbreak. He wasn’t used to him disappearing; not even in deep pandemic times. Ironically, this shorter time had affected him more than those months. It wasn’t even about Jun himself; it was about what was he going to do in the future. With all these secret feelings, these upcoming competitions, this trembling future that held no space for roots and settling down for them… how would he manage eventual farewells and face the stormy, confusing days ahead? He wasn’t one for quitting or giving up… but why was it that the world seemed to scream at him to do so?
Tracy walked towards them both. “Conrad, do you need a day off?”
Brian frowned. “You know he’s been lacking technical improvements, Tracy, and although we all have personal worries—”
“Yes, please,” Conrad interrupted them, in a quiet plea.
The two adults exchanged glances. Competitions were near, but mental health was still important.
“I need to think,” Conrad mumbled, looking up. His eyes looked tired, there were eyebags under them and his skin looked paler.
“I really hope this isn’t about J—”
“No. It’s beyond that. It’s about decisions,” Conrad firmly replied. “Emotions as a whole and how to manage them in times where everything, everything, seems to tell me to lie to myself and just be a jump machine for now.”
The coaches were in silence, as Conrad sighed loudly.
“I’m sorry for lashing out, I…”
“Conrad, dear,” Tracy started with a smile. “Do you want me to keep you company over a cup of coffee? We can talk more calmly like this.”
Conrad blinked, the single tear he had been holding onto rolling down his cheek.
“Please. I don’t know how to manage all of this anymore.”
For tonight, I’m yours
So deny the truth
We’ll stay behind closed doors
’Cause all I wanna do is lie with you
Even though it's wrong, I’ll lie with you