Archive of Our Own

The loud banging outside woke you up.

Wind picked up in speed, throwing the branches that were near your window against the glass, the wood of it scratching. Your heart was beating rapidly in your chest as you were startled from sleep, clutching your shirt, eyes wide and open staring into the darkness of your room.

Another clap of thunder that sounded a bit too close for comfort, the rain battering against your window.

And just like that, your mind drifted over to Liberio—the sounds of the bombs exploding, the blood curdling screams of Marleyans, and your own comrades; your eyes watering from the smoke of flames dancing and swallowing buildings, the devastation from Armin’s destruction, the blood seeping through the escapes of your fingers as Sasha stuttered out her breath—

—you clenched your eyes, curling yourself into a fetal position to make yourself smaller, as if you were transported into that wretched city. You didn’t realize you were crying when another bang from the tree branch outside slammed into the window, and it shook you out of your nightmare.

Your fingers found themselves gripping your sheets.

You were here.

Safe.

In Paradis.

But why did your mind keep repeating the scenes over and over again? Were you purposefully tormenting yourself? Did a part of you like seeing the life of your comrades’ eyes, who moments ago were full of determination, vanish in a heartbeat? Did you like diving your blade into another human, eyes locking into the fear they felt as you pulled it out? Did you like that gut-wrenching feeling of having young Sasha lifeless in your arms, who moments ago, was asking about supper?

Did you like how everything you knew about the person—their dreams, their passion, their love—could dissolve so quickly as their last breath leaves their lips?

“Stop,” you mumbled to yourself, voice torn and broken. The rain kept battering down outside, and you sat up now, leaning against the headboard to bring your knees to your chest. You peeked outside the window to see the black sky, angry clouds obscuring the world, the same sky as that night you tried to forget.

But how could you, if you kept replaying that night?

Being one of the last older veterans of the Survey Corps, you were no stranger to death. You watched your close friends die right in front of you, all in the name of humanity. You’ve seen children being sent to their deaths.

But this?

Was there any other way?

You were quiet in your room now, cheeks dried from your tears from earlier. You could only afford yourself to cry to yourself for a few minutes anyway; you knew better than to wallow in this. You had to keep moving forward, even… even despite…

Your vision blurred.

“Fuck.”

You couldn’t lie to yourself. You got comfortable again in your bed, hand underneath the pillow, but your eyes couldn’t stay closed even if you tried. You could hear the screams and the bombs so vividly in your mind as if they were in your ears, and the loud rainstorm outside didn’t help.

You felt almost foolish as the thought fluttered in your mind. You couldn’t ask that of him, but… you knew out of everyone, he was the only one awake. Or, maybe he wasn’t awake, and was actually sleeping for once, since tomorrow he was to set out to the forest with Zeke.

Your face warmed despite the inner turmoil you felt, and finally, in a sleepy, drowsy mess, you yanked the covers off of you and stumbled to his room. You were then facing the wood of his door, seeing the dim light shining underneath it.

Gods. What the fuck were you doing?

The tiny resolve you had within yourself ebbed as you kept standing in front of it. It was almost laughable—like Levi Ackerman would actually let you stay in his room for company.

But then you remembered when you climbed up on the zeppelin, and you saw how Levi’s silver eyes were searching through the crowd of your comrades, and it finally landed on you. You remembered how his lips parted, eyes slightly wide, the strong realization on his face that yes, you did survive. You knew that look well, because you were sure you gave him the same relieved expression so many times in the past.

You felt the small tug of your lips as you recalled how he pushed through the people, hand then lingering on your arm, just to say, “Took you long enough.”

Maybe he would let you stay.

You knocked on the door, a soft, shy sound, and it felt like a lifetime.

Typical of him that he wouldn’t answer. Should you knock again?

You waited a bit more, until you tentatively called out, “Levi? Are… you awake?”

A pause of silence, and then the soft patter of footsteps to the door.

Levi opened it, a slither of light shining through the small gap, and his eyes met yours. He was almost speechless, soft lips parted in surprise.

“I know this is going to make me sound like a baby,” you started, face warming under his curious gaze on you, “but… um, thunderstorms really freak me out.”

He was quiet, waiting for you to continue, and your voice was in a whisper now. You were twiddling your fingers, avoiding his eyes. You couldn’t bear to look at him right now.

“Um, can I… hang out with you, until it gets quiet again?”

And by ‘it getting quiet,’ you meant your mind shutting up.

Your breath was caught in your throat, the warmth on your face cascading down to your neck. He was too quiet, and he had averted his eyes to the side, completely avoiding you.

“Never mind,” you said hastily, and shot him a faltering smile, “sorry to have bothered you.”

You were about to step away and shamefully walk back to your room, but then Levi called out to you, a soft utterance in the hallway.

“You can stay,” he said, and you turned around to see him duck his head. “C’mon.”

He left back inside, leaving the door open, and your heart blossomed in your chest.

When you were finally inside, you closed the door behind you. Levi’s room, as you expected, was impeccably clean. The blanket on his bed was flattened out, the candles in the candelabra along the walls were lit. Curtains were pulled back, and it looked like the window sill was wet, as if he had opened the window but shut it since it started to pour out.

The room was so… Levi, so clean and the paperwork on his desk neat and orderly. Ever since Erwin had—

You gulped, trying to push that thought of your mind. You didn’t want any reminders.

Levi got himself comfortable in his chair that was next to the desk, facing you with inquisitive eyes. He crossed his legs, and you really tried your best to not openly stare at him. He always looked good in his long-sleeve shirt. It was also the knowledge that you were in Levi’s room out of all people.

You didn’t really think this through.

“Scared of thunderstorms, really?” he scoffed, looking out the window. The rain was still beating down, and then thunder clapped, which made you jump a bit, but he didn’t react to you. It looked like something was on his mind, but you knew he wouldn’t tell you what it was. “That’s a child’s fear.”

You felt yourself warm, and didn’t know what to do with yourself, standing in the middle of his room. The silence between the two of you was painstakingly awkward, or maybe all of that was simply exuding from your own energy.

You sat down on his bed anyway, not knowing where else to sit since there was only one chair.

His bed was pretty comfortable actually, way more comfortable than yours.

“People can still have fears regardless of age, y’know,” you replied finally, after patting down his bed. But even if you wanted the words to come out of your mouth to be in a teasing tone, you couldn’t help sounding so forlorn. As if the words tumbling out of your mouth were heavy.

His gray eyes drifted from the window to yours, just taking you in. But you could never look at him for too long, afraid of how your eyes would betray how much he really meant to you; afraid that if you stared for too long, he would know.

“Why are you really here?” he asked, head tilting to the side.

Your eyes were downcasted on the wooden floor, one hand absentmindedly sliding the blanket. “Do you… mind?” you whispered, almost as if speaking too loud would cause the whole place to cave in.

You didn’t know what the hell you were asking, actually. Why were you here? Why was he the first person to pop in your mind to seek solace? Was this more than just liking someone?

You didn’t know what this meant. You had never felt like this for anyone before. This was the first time you’ve done something like this.

When you first met Levi, there was a mutual respect from the beginning. Then over the months, it turned from politely saying hi when you ran into each other, to having late night talks over tea, to finding each other after expeditions.

Then, there was that argument you both had, the night before Shiganshina, him telling you to just stay back. You, of course, shouted at him, explaining how selfish someone had to be to not be with their comrades in such a crucial moment in the Corps, in humanity. You found it offensive, not really thinking what he was truly trying to convey, as if he was calling you weak.

And you realized what he meant later on, what he was too stubborn to tell you. Or, maybe, if he was like you, he didn’t want to openly say it. Terrified of the fact that if both of you confessed whatever the hell this was, that it would become real, as if confessing these feelings would condemn the both of you.

Of course, everything changed after that.

But especially since Liberio, it just… felt different.

Anyway, to have something this tangible, this realness, was too much for this world. It could be taken away.

And yet here you were, sitting on his bed, feeling so completely naked.

“If I minded,” Levi said slowly, as if tasting the words in his mouth, “I wouldn’t have opened the door.”

You finally looked up at him then, shyly, and surveyed the man you had come to trust over the years. Your eyes trailed to his soft, porcelain skin, admiring how he didn’t have one blemish, trailed to his plush lips that were currently in a thin line, but didn’t stay there for too long, to finally land back to the light purple bags that were deep under his gunmetal eyes.

A frown tugged at your lips. “You can’t sleep, either?” This was a stupid question, you realized as soon as you spoke. Could anyone sleep? Especially Levi, who shouldered most of the burdens. You wanted so badly to tell him that you could hold all of his worries too, could hold up his boulder of responsibilities on your shoulders, however…

“I don’t sleep much,” he replied, leaning back into his chair, making himself more comfortable. You wish you felt the same, feeling out of place in his room. “It doesn’t bother me anymore. It’s what it is.”

It was your turn to scoff at him, looking at the window as well. It was complete pitch black outside, and you heard the strong rustling of the branches from the wind. It was the only thing you could hear actually, since the room was dead quiet.

Until you spoke.

“Are humans condemned to be evil?”

“Huh?” he asked, completely confused. You heard him lean forward in his chair. “What brought this on?”

“You know why,” you whispered. You could feel Levi’s heavy gaze on you, to which you avoided completely. “Are we born evil? How… do we measure our goodness? In our actions? Is it the intention of the action, or the rules we follow… or our character?”

Thunder boomed in the distance; it sounded far away, signaling that the storm was traveling elsewhere. “I would like to think we were born with good in our hearts, but…”

You imagined Eren as a baby, free from society’s expectations, young, innocent.

What made him do this?

Were you all evil as well, for participating in this?

But was there any other option?

Levi was silent. Then, “Is that what you’re here for? To have a philosophical debate?”

“No,” you said, voice soft. You remembered the day Eren left from the meeting, and the familiar feeling that something was terribly wrong. You remembered the day you all received his letters about his plan, the quiet murmurs of worry from your comrades—‘Could this be done without any bloodshed?’ ‘How many casualties will this cause?’—to the arguments that stemmed from that, everyone shouting at each other:

‘Does it matter? They attacked us first.’

You remembered staring at your hands covered in blood, the drop of your heart sinking from your chest to your belly like an anchor, as you couldn’t take your eyes off of Sasha.

“I-I can still hear them,” you murmured, your vision blurring despite you trying to hold your emotions back. Your hands were in your lap in a clasp. “Everyone. It’s like they don’t want to get out of my head.”

You felt a weight being pressed down beside you, and you turned your head to see that Levi took it upon himself to sit next to you. You looked back at your hands, which you saw were shaking.

“I do too,” Levi said, and this time, for the first time probably, Levi was honest with you. He was honest in a lot of things that were more concrete, but never about himself, or about his feelings. He kept to himself so tightly behind walls.

“That’s… why I can’t sleep at night. Every time I close my eyes, I see them, too. Everyone that I knew who gave their life to finding the answers, gave their life to humanity. But now…”

He paused, struggling, words caught in his throat.

Your hand itched to slide over and grip his, but you clasped your hands tighter.

“More people are going to be lost.” You looked at him, the tears that were trapped in your eyes, now wetting your cheeks. Levi shared your look, but he wasn’t crying. His gray eyes were full of sadness, and even if he had talked about having no regrets, they were full of them as you looked deep into him.

“You need to be prepared for that,” he finished, voice soft and low.

You looked away when your lip started to quiver, and then sniffed. It was silent between you two, and you didn’t realize that Levi had inched closer to you, his thigh touching yours.

“I was partly telling the truth about the thunderstorms,” you said honestly. Your cheeks felt warm from you crying, and also for Levi’s closeness. “They do scare me if it’s loud.”

“And the other part?” he breathed, and the both of you shared a look.

“I needed to see you.”

Needed to see you, instead of wanted to see you. Like if you didn’t see this man, you weren’t able to continue your night peacefully.

It was such a soft admittance. Your heart blared in your chest and you were so, so afraid. Afraid of what he would say, how he would act. Afraid that you opening your chest and showing him your heart was going to cause him to run away. Afraid that you being this vulnerable to another human being would scar you forever, and you would never feel this feeling again.

But Levi’s cheeks tinged pink, and he ducked his head, as if to not show you how embarrassed you made him.

“I…” You rendered this man speechless, and you felt lightheaded.

Another boom of thunder, which caused you to jump a bit, and this time, Levi noticed this. You felt small, almost childish, under his gaze.

“We shouldn’t,” Levi murmured, brows pinched together. “It would… be a distraction.”

You leaned forward just a tiny bit, enough to be in his space, to say, “We are already distracted.”

His silver eyes searched for yours as if he was a lost sailor man at sea, looking for the harbor.

The memory of you settling in the zeppelin, his lingering hand on your arm that felt too hot, his eyes taking in your body as if to search for any wounds, were so sharp in your mind that you were almost reliving it.

Sasha’s blood on your hands.

You pulled back like you were slapped in the face. What if that was his blood on your hands? What if something actually happened to him in Liberio, and you never… told him about your feelings?

What if this was the last time you’ll ever see him? The words left your mouth before you even stopped them.

“I don’t know when I will be able to see you again, after tomorrow,” you said. “And that scares me.”

Levi just nodded, taking in your words.

He didn’t want to tell you that you freaked him out. Every time you were on an expedition, even when the only battles were against titans, you scared him. The actual thought of him coming back to see you among the countless bodies terrified him. He didn’t want to get too close to you at all, but it just… sort of happened. You were easy to talk to, and you always listened to him. And then he paid attention to how your eyes shone when you found him after missions, how you tried your best from biting back a smile when he made a sarcastic comment, how you laughed in earnest at silly conversations.

You were there for him when Erwin died. Even Hange, who was his friend for a long time, didn’t give him the solace he needed. But you did. And you didn’t complain at all.

And here you were, baring your soul out to him, and again, you scared him. Scared what this could entail, what this meant for the both of you.

Was it so wrong to be selfish, just this once? Every time he tried to indulge, it got taken away from him.

He was thinking back on your words. Were humans condemned to be evil?

He thought of Liberio, of all the civilian casualties, and saw the look of horror on the children’s faces. Remembered the catastrophic destruction Armin and his Colossal Titan did.

Was war something ingrained in humans from the beginning?

If Gabi and Falco were born anywhere else, would they still have the need to fight? Eren was born to kind parents until… well.

Even still, he became what he was now. Or did he always have darkness in him?

And was he evil too, for giving in to what he wanted, into this temptation, even if he knew what the results might be? If the roads you both were traveling on would result in death, would he be selfish to follow it, for his own desires?

“I don’t want to be alone tonight,” you said, and Levi shook himself out of his reverie, to see you so close to him.

“You don’t have to,” he whispered, giving in to the temptation that he so badly wanted. “If the storm makes you jumpy… you can stay here.”

The both of you quietly looked into the other, muted, and then Levi got up to blow out the candles along his wall. It was dark now, and you could see the shadow outline of him walking up to the bed.

It was still raining, however it was subsiding in how heavy it was, the wind lessening in its power.

You got underneath the covers, and Levi followed after you. Your heart was in your throat as you laid on your side, and finally, his hands, that were cold, but made you feel so warm, on your hip, as he slid beside you, his chest to your back.

Holding you, in silence.

You could feel his breath fanning on your neck, and could even feel his lips move, when he said, in a low voice, “I think everyone has the capacity to be evil. But it’s up to you to make that choice, to be good.”

But what is considered good in times like these? The Marleyans thought what they’re doing was ‘good.’

But… it didn’t feel good to take another person's life. Even if it was your enemy and the both of you were fighting for the same thing, to survive, in this cruel world. It didn’t feel good to feel someone dying in your arms, someone that you’ve come to cherish over the years. It didn’t feel good to hear that some of your comrades didn’t make it, and that you could have been one of them.

That Levi could have been one of them.

Or how your people blew up the city. Or to know that yes, they attacked first, took your people first. But…

When will the killing stop? Was there any other way?

A circle of violence. There was never any hope for peace, was there?

You wanted to tell him that despite the blood on both of your hands, you still had each other. You wanted so badly to tell him he had made a home in your heart, in the tiny corner there, and made you feel safe when he was near. And that it scared you to feel so dependent on somebody, to want to know where their whereabouts were, to see if they were safe.

Your lips parted to say that despite it all, he was your shelter away from all of this madness. That despite the evil in the world, he inspired you to continue being ‘good,’ making sound decisions, and being a better person.

But you shut your mouth, hands moving to his, fingers interlocking, and cried. He pressed more into you, hugging you to his chest, face in the crook of your neck.

This was just the beginning.