Chapter Text
Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me,
Why are you still so afraid?
-
The first time Lexi feels like she’s got to be a person bigger than what she is, she’s nine years old and tucking her mother into bed, or rather the couch that she’s claimed as her second bed.
Her father slammed the door hours ago and drove away with the headlights illuminating their front door until it became dark. His car barreling down the street as he undoubtedly slams his hands on the wheel.
Cassie and Lexi cried their little hearts out. Or rather, Cassie did and Lexi stuffed her feelings into a box and shipped them off for a later date. Instead, she held her sister and waited until the tears subsided and the older girl became silent with sleep and misery. Then Lexi turned off the lights and kissed her cheek.
It’s her mother that she took care of next. She sighs, her little shoulders sinking at the sight of Suze Howard passed out on the couch. A bottle of wine is slanted against her leg.
Lexi had learned all of this in school. Addicts. Those were people who leaned into substances that didn’t do any good. Her mother is an addict, Lexi knows that. But she doesn’t say it out loud. It’s mean, or at the girl convinced herself of it because the truth is far more sharp and ugly.
She instead grabs a throw blanket tossed over the other couch and tenderly tucks her mom in. The woman snores without waking. If she had, maybe she would have noticed her daughter shaping into a shell of a child. Maybe she would have stopped the wistfulness of youth from burning away.
Lexi tosses the bottle away and quietly clambers onto the seat perched in front of the family computer. She types diligently and with purpose, reading the first few pages that come across her screen.
‘What to do if mom drinks a lot of whine’
The correction of the last word makes Lexi cringe. She shakes her head at her lack of knowledge and criticizes that she can’t even do that right. She frowns at a few links about addiction and the effect on children. She gets lost on one website, her skin suddenly itchy and uncomfortable as she reads.
‘Children of addicts often experience symptoms of depression, or feel intense sadness. It’s important to check on them and support them as best you can.’
Lexi closes the tab. She’s not sad. It gets a little lonely sometimes, with her parents fighting and all, but she’s okay. She has Cassie. And though Cassie can’t always understand how Lexi feels, the fourth grader is able to work through it on her own. So it’s okay. She’s okay.
Lexi finally finds what she’s looking for. Her mom always wakes up crabby after she drinks and Lexi doesn’t like that. She likes happy mom. Because if she can’t have happy mom and dad, she’d like to have at least one. And her dad is hard to please sometimes. But he has Cassie for that. He and Cassie get along in a way Lexi has never understood. She’s never reached out but neither has her father. So Lexi vows to take care of her mom.
Lexi does what the website tells her. She fills a glass with water and rummages through her mother’s medicine cabinet for something called aspirin. She sets it on the coffee table, stepping back to gaze absentmindedly at her work.
Lexi stands on the couch, kissing Suze’s head and bidding her a quiet ‘goodnight mommy’ .
Then she does what she usually does. She takes care of herself.
And when she finishes that, she turns on the porch light for her dad who will eventually return with a coffee and a half-hearted apology that Suze will accept just so she doesn’t have to sleep alone another night.
But that’s for tomorrow.
And Lexi is tired. She is so tired.
So she takes one last loving look at Cassie, climbs into bed next to her in case she needs someone to turn to, and falls into a dreamless sleep.
-
Lexi is pulled aside for the first and only time in sixth grade.
She’s falling asleep everyday in her first hour of reading class. Her reading log is dwindling to one book a week. It previously sat at two. Maybe three. Her teacher is a soft-spoken woman with a sharp voice when she wants to use it. Her eyes a similar shade of brown to Lexi’s father, and for a millisecond as she meets the woman’s worried look she feels the shame settle in her chest.
She’s disappointed in her.
Lexi’s tried, she’s really tried. But staying awake is hard when your parents are arguing one room over and you’re trying to make sure your mom doesn’t drink herself into a lightless oblivion.
The class focuses on an assignment with another teacher while the teacher gently guides Lexi to her little office tucked behind her desk. She shuts the door and nods over to a chair where the eleven year old anxiously places herself.
Before the woman can even sit, Lexi widens her eyes and bursts in apology. “I’m really sorry Ms.Wyatt,” she says. Her voice drips with guilt.
The teacher watches the little girl twist her hand in her palm and bite her lip. She frowns. She hasn’t even said anything yet. Lexi looks away, too embarrassed to meet her softened expression.
“Lexi,” Ms.Wyatt murmurs. She settled for lowering to Lexi’s sitting height and gently touching her shoulder to get her attention. The brunette slowly turns her head, looking too afraid to meet her eyes.
“Lexi, I'm not upset with you,” she tells her student, “I’m just worried. There’s nothing for you to apologize for.”
Slowly, Lexi nods. “Are you sure? But I’ve been sleeping a lot.”
“It’s okay if you’re tired,” the woman smiles, “being tired isn’t a crime. I just want to know why you’re so tired. Are you getting enough sleep?”
“Yes,” Lexi whispers. She wants to tell her how she stays up late worried about Cassie, who is torn up about the impending divorce. She wants to tell her that sometimes she cooks dinner because everyone else is too busy. Or that she sets reminders on her mom’s phone when Lexi and Cassie need to be picked up from school.
But she looks at her teacher and falters. Her family is imperfect, but she doesn’t want to lose them. She doesn’t want them to be blamed. She’s struggling because everyone else is too.
Lexi does what Lexi does best. She looks out for her family.
“I’m okay. Sometimes I can’t sleep.”
“Is there any reason why?” She asks, pulling up a chair for herself now. Lexi shrugs. She picks at the skin around her nails. “How often do you not sleep?”
“A couple days,” Lexi replies, but she widens her eyes and holds up her hand, “but when I get home I take a nap. So it’s okay. I’m okay.”
“ Oh Lexi,” Ms.Wyatt murmurs. That makes the girl's heart break.
For the first in weeks, Lexi cries to another person. She cries until her vision is too blurry to see out of. She cries as the teacher forfeits any rules on interacting students and pulls her into a tight hug.
Lexi isn't just tired. She’s fucking exhausted.
As Ms.Wyatt hands her a Kleenex and guides her to the counselor’s office, she thinks about how much she’s carrying. And how much she has to unless she wants her family to crack even more.
She thinks about how much she hates herself for feeling that way when she sits through a meeting with her parents and a doctor with a thick voice.
And she wonders if it ever goes away when she gets diagnosed with insomnia. It doesn’t, Lexi understands, as a pharmacist with the same eye bags as her, hands her a little brown bag with prescription sleep pills.
-
Lexi Howard masters the art of taking care of other people by freshman year.
Her mother is a drunk, her father becoming more of a memory than a person (one she'd sometimes prefer to forget), her sister turns to boys who have nothing but malicious intent, and her best friend is coping with the loss of her father through drugs.
For a fourteen year old it should be too much. She should be wilting and crying under the pressure. But Lexi Howard doesn’t wilt. She buries her roots deep enough to keep her upright so she can tend to the people who need her most.
She draws up reminders in a calendar that she sticks by her bed. She reads it before she crawls in for the night, tapping her chin and biting her lip as she studies it. Cassie calls her a ‘nerd’ for it, but Lexi doesn’t take it to heart. Her sister is complicated and messy, and she doesn’t mind being the clean up crew for a hopeless romantic and an alcoholic. Lexi’s better off than the two, she thinks. The only addiction she has is to academics and organization, and by society that’s a good thing.
Lexi thinks it’s borderline obsessive, though. She feels her shoulders lose tension as she color codes certain bills that need to be paid. She sleeps better at night with Cassie’s cheer practices highlighted and appointments labeled with smiley face stickers. The organization of it is reassuring.
The calendar is flooded with pictures of yawning cats. She discovered it in the back of the calendar section at Barnes and noble and snatched it up without second thoughts.
Both Suze and Cassie had giggled at the juvenile energy it served. Lexi simply smiled, crushing the calendar to her chest. Her cheeks heated up as they laughed. But it was okay. It was her own little masterpiece. It didn’t matter what they thought. It kept the lights on and water running.
On a particular Thursday morning, Lexi is stressed. Finals are nearing close and she’s ensuring that her GPA stays pretty. Cassie is on a new spiral, and her mother is losing herself due to the anniversary of her disregarded marriage coming up.
Lexi tells Cassie that night that she needs to go to the dentist appointment the following day. Cassie and Suze give her half hearted nods of acknowledgement, and the girl sends a text in the morning to remind them.
When Lexi gets the text in fourth period that the two have forgotten, she feels a familiar sense of panic set in. The day isn’t organized like she planned. It’s spiraling from her reach.
She shoves past desks after quietly asking to use the bathroom.
Lexi’s eyes are brimming and becoming blurry as she enters the pink tiled bathroom and locks a stall. The fourteen year old collapses against the stall door and without warning, a strangled cry rips from her throat. She places a hand over her chest to stop the quick paced breathing, but it’s to no avail.
These attacks aren’t unusual for her. But they still make her feel utterly helpless.
“Yo? Are you okay?”
Lexi’s breath gets caught in her throat. She presses her cries down to pathetic whimpers and harshly wipes away the lone tears on her cheeks. “I’m fine. Thank you,” Lexi calls out.
“Wait? Lexi? Is that you?”
She freezes. Of course it has to be Maddy.
“Lexi, for real? Are you okay? Should I get Cassie?”
Lexi pushes herself up hastily. She grabs her bag and unlocks the door. “Hi Maddy. I’m good. I just..failed a quiz,” she mutters awkwardly.
The older girl eyes her with suspicion. Lexi walks past her to the sink and sticks her hands beneath the warm water. “forgot to study. But it’s dumb. It’s just a quiz.”
She expects Maddy to ignore it. Or interrogate her. But she just nods. “It’s not dumb. I know how much you care about your grades,” she pauses by her best friend’s little sister, “you good though? Like honestly.”
“Yeah,” Lexi laughs awkwardly, “I’ll ask my teacher if I can retake it.”
“Cool. Your mascara is a little..” Maddy trails off, pointing to the smeared make up on her eyes.
“Oh. I must look so bad right now,” Lexi laughs bitterly. Maddy smiles sympathetically. She sets her bag on the counter and digs for her make up bag. She pulls out a small tube of mascara and make up wipes and hands it over.
“You look great. You always do. We’ve all been there, girl.”
“The runny mascara is kind of melodramatic, don’t you think?”
Maddy laughs. “Lowkey kind of hot, in like a romantic drama way. Well, I have to go. I promised Cass I’d skip and go get lunch with her,” she smiles tenderly at Lexi, “do you want to come with?”
Lexi shakes her head. “I should get back to class. We’re doing reviews..”
“You’re better than me, little Howard. I never cared that much when I was a freshman.”
“You still don’t,” Lexi replies with a little grin. Maddy laughs at that.
“True. Later, Howard,” Maddy waves her hand up as she walks towards the door.
“Maddy, your-“
“Keep it. I’ll probably be over at your place tonight anyways.”
Lexi nods, clutching the small tube in her palm.
As Lexi stands in front of the mirror reapplying her mascara, she calls the dentist office and reschedules it for a different day. Her shoulders drop a little more as she types into the calendar and shares it with her apologetic sister.
Everything is in control. Everything is okay as long as Lexi takes care of it.
-
Junior year doesn’t ease up, but now she knows where to invest her time to make it easier.
Lexi dives into her studies. In between a couple episodes of watching Jersey Shore with her mom and Cassie, her weekends are dedicated to studying and doing homework. The workload of several advanced classes is heavy, but it's a weight she’s content to carry. Her academics are hers completely. It’s refreshing in a way it shouldn’t be.
She gets a little teasing from her friends. Cassie continues on the nerd nickname, though Lexi embraces it, and everyone else bothers and prods her about ‘getting out there’ .
But there is safety in a textbook that doesn’t change. The security in good grades and her teacher’s validation is hopeful. It’s something sturdy in her shakey life.
Besides, Lexi realizes she’s not her sister in the way that people fawn over her. Lexi’s observations in her childhood made that astutely clear. Even as a child, Suze and Gus fussed over Cassie in a way they didn’t with the younger sister. As Cassie became the epitome of desired beauty, it just extended to other people.
Lexi tries her best to avoid any jealousy. She’s not ignorant. The attention isn't always warranted nor kind. It’s intoxicating and addicting. Cassie is funny, sweet at her core, and a tender-hearted girl. Lexi knows the in’s and outs of her big sister. She knows the gentle hugs and Cassie obsessing over making Lexi play with her style to find something comfortable.
But that fawning..Lexi hates how much her sister is willing to throw away what’s good for her for a boy with venom in his words.
It’s in those moments that Lexi decides her insecurities and lack of any self esteem is a twisted form of comfort.
Her school work is a nice distraction to blind just how much life feels out of her control. Rue is slipping even more through her finger tips. Though Lexi stays distant, bottling everything she wishes could tell her long time best friend, she mostly diverts her attention elsewhere.
Besides, Rue hasn’t really been her friend since she was fourteen.
Christmas passes by, Lexi indulging more on reading and writing extra credit essays, while mending the rips that hold her family together. Suze, as usual, is a mess half the time. But Lexi doesn’t mind it as much as she did at a younger age. Taking care of her mom is just one part of her routine. Suze had taken some gracious liberties after Rue’s overdose to gain some control of her alcoholism.
It was small, but considerate. Lexi thinks effort comes from her sobbing and the admission that she claims fault for the overdose. Suze tried to help her understand that an addict is an addict, but they both knew it only did so much. That night the mother held her daughters face and felt so much anguish. Her apologetic little girl, so naturally guilty for things that weren’t her problem.
Somewhere in her heart, Lexi knows her mom is the reason she’s so patient and willing to be helpful. Life has a way of destroying the people we want to be. So Lexi doesn’t hold too much against her.
Her circle of people is smaller these days, having kept her distance from Rue for some time. She misses her more than she’d like to admit, but Rue was her only confidant aside from Cassie since preschool. There’s Jules, Kat and Maddy, but more often than not Lexi is invited with them as an extension of Cassie. Not that she minds, it’s nice to pretend she’s got something of her own.
On one rare weekend, Cassie manages to drag Lexi out of the house for a New Years party. She of course earns her place as designated driver, despite Jules’s offer. Lexi doesn't like alcohol as much as her friends, having seen the effect on her mom. Suze is smart, Lexi assumes that’s where she got her love for learning, but wine has burned the edges of her knowledge.
It would’ve been an okay night if Cassie hadn't stormed out of the car before they could get to the party. Lexi didn’t think her reasoning was wrong . She just didn’t want to get pulled over and ticketed. But still, as she hurries through the house that’s bursting with music and booze, she feels the panic rise in her throat.
No one has seen Cassie, and though Maddy attempts to reassure her, Lexi still feels her natural sister-concern wash over her.
Defeated, Lexi sits down at a couch and anxiously fiddles with her phone.
I’m such a shitty sister , Lexi thinks to herself. There’s a million things she wants to berate herself for. And she’s about to do one more loop of the house when a slow voice draws her out of her thoughts.
“Yo, you Rue’s friends, right?”
And for the first in a while, Lexi goes against the arguments in her head. She smiles, nodding and turning to a voice that’s speaking to her for the first time that night.