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Sirius had known Remus for six years — a total of seventy-two months and full moons. After each full moon, he never had to stay in the infirmary for more than twenty-four hours. And even then, Madam Pomfrey always gave their little group free reign of the infirmary while Remus recovered.
This full moon was particularly rough on Remus. Sirius, James, and Peter tried to help him in their Animagus forms, but the wolf wouldn't have it. By the time the moon left and dawn came, he was still in his wolf form. Granted, he had managed to calm down enough for the three to find a way to take him to the infirmary.
Madam Pomfrey immediately levitated the wolf out of their hold and placed him on an empty bed before rushing the three out of the infirmary. She refused to let any of them back in to see Remus. Twenty four hours passed, then two days, then three. The group was turned away each time they tried to get inside the infirmary. Sirius would come back alone and ask — beg Pomfrey to let him in. Her answer was always no.
"I think it's best if you wait a couple more days."
"How long exactly? Two more? Three? Five?" Sirius let out an exasperated sigh. "What's wrong with him? Why can't I just come in for one second?"
The Mediwitch sighed, clutching a clipboard to her chest with one hand while the other one reached out to give Sirius' arm a squeeze. "He's stable, Mr Black. He just needs a couple more days to make a full recovery. This full moon really took a toll on him. He's not up for visitors just yet."
"Did he say that?"
Her lack of response was enough.
"He doesn't want to see me — us."
"Mr Black," she said in a calm tone.
Sirius was frustrated, upset, and worried. He fought back tears, standing in front of the infirmary door. Remus was in there. The only thing that stood between them was Pomfrey and a wall. He wanted — no needed to see the lycanthrope, to see with his own eyes if he was really okay.
"Please, I beg you."
"You beg every day. You already know my answer."
Sirius nodded in defeat, "I already know your answer."
He left the infirmary wing and headed back to his dorm room, not caring that he was missing his last class for the day.
Sirius Black was in love with Remus Lupin. It took him half of his fourth year and all of fifth to finally admit that fact to himself, and accept it. He was in love with his best friend and he couldn't tell him. He could never dream of it. Remus deserved better, he deserved more than Sirius would ever be able to offer him. He deserved someone crafted by Merlin himself, just as he was.
Still, going three days without seeing Remus or knowing if he was truly alright, was one of the most painful experiences for him. The other boys also missed Remus' absence in their little group, but not like Sirius. He was sure of it.
Their dorm room was quiet and borderline melancholic, void of the sound of Remus' record player. His bed was made by the house-elves the day of the full moon and it stayed like that ever since. He wasn't there to mess it up and throw his duvet on the floor, claiming that the Gryffindor tower was always too hot during the springtime. He wasn't in the common room with his feet on Sirius' lap on the sofa while they studied.
For three days straight, Sirus moped, cried, skipped classes, and spent hours outside the infirmary trying to convince Pomfrey to let him in even for just a few seconds. Her answer stayed the same.
On the third day, he decided to do something. Three days without Remus was three days too many.
"You need my cloak?"
"Yeah," Sirius said. He and James were the only ones left in their room after Peter headed down for dinner.
A few weeks before, the four of them decided to retire the cloak for the remainder of the school year after a run-in in the halls with the headmaster himself. Dumbledore gave them a month's detention and told them if he ever saw them again, he would confiscate the cloak. James had decided that it was best to stash it away for the few weeks of school they had left.
"You're going to go see Moony?"
Sirius nodded.
"Figured," James smiled. "I thought about it too, but I gathered he didn't want to see us for a reason."
"I know that. I just- can I please?" Sirius struggled to get a full string of words out.
"Do you want me to go with you?"
"No," Sirius quickly shook his head, "I mean— no. That's all right. I just need to see him, alone. I have to talk to him, alone. Please understand."
James furrowed his brows and stared at him for a few seconds before shrugging. "Of course, I understand. If you get in, ask him if we can go see him too, will you?"
"Yeah, of course, mate."
James rummaged through the trunk at the end of his bed and pulled out the cloak, handing it to Sirius. If he suspected anything about the way Sirius was acting or his feelings for their friend, he kept it to himself. Sirius was glad for it.
He thanked James and headed for the infirmary. Pomfrey was at dinner in the great hall with the other professors, students, and workers. Only one Healer would stay in the infirmary to look after whatever few patients were in there.
Sirius moved quietly under the cloak as he reached the infirmary door. He pulled out his wand and mumbled a quick Alohomora. The door clicked opened and he walked through it quietly. He spotted the Mediwitch left inside, Madam Wiggins, sitting at the desk, scribbling something in an open book.
Turning his head, he noticed several empty beds and Remus' regular with a lump on it. He held his breath as he made his way over to him. He seemed to have been the patient in the entire infirmary.
He laid so still, Sirius thought he was unconscious. His eyes were open though, barely, as he stared at the ceiling. He wasn't wearing a shirt, but his chest and both arms were wrapped thoroughly in white bandages with faint spots of red. Patches of bandages covered his cheeks and forehead while his legs were hidden under the white hospital sheets.
Sirius' breath hitched at the sight. His eyes threatened to swell up just thinking about how much pain Remus was most likely in. He walked closer, standing right over the boy and the two made eye contact.
Remus' eyes bore right into his under the cloak. Sirius nearly melted on the floor.
He knew Sirius was there. He knew someone was there. He cracked a small smile before turning his head to the side.
"Madam Wiggins, I'd like that dinner you offered earlier, please?"
The Mediwitch looked up from her desk and smiled, "You're alright staying here by yourself here for a few, Deary? I can send one of the elves for dinner."
Remus quickly shook his head, "No! That's alright. I'm alright staying alone. Besides, you've been sitting at that desk working for a while now, a little stroll in the castle might do you good."
"You're absolutely right dear," She sighed, getting up from the chair, "I'll be back in a jiffy."
As soon as the door clicked shut, Sirius removed the cloak and let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in.
Remus watched him with careful eyes. His lips, eyes, and nose were the only body parts visible. both his cheeks were wrapped in white along his forehead. His forehead was one of the few places on his body with no scars. Not anymore. The chilling thought made Sirius' stomach sink.
"May I?" He asked, pointing to the bed. Remus nodded and slowly shifted his body to the right so Sirius could sit near his torso on the left side. "How-" He took a deep breath, struggling to find the words to actually speak while Remus looked half dead in front of him. Finally, he managed to choke out, "How are you?"
"Better."
"That's good, that's great," Sirius rushed out.
Remus pulled himself up on the bed slowly, and Sirius quickly but gently grabbed onto his shoulders to help him. He sat up just a bit, giving Sirius a better look at the severity of his injuries.
"How bad does it hurt?"
"Not so much anymore," replied Remus, "Pomfrey pumped me full of pain reliever potions."
Sirius sighed in relief. He wasn't in pain, at least not anymore.
"You didn't want to see me."
Remus frowned, slowly shaking his head. He reached his bandaged hand forward and grabbed Sirius' that was resting on the bed. Sirius' heart sped up in his chest at the small contact.
"That's not true," said Remus. "I didn't want you to see me."
"Remus, we've seen you after a full moon before. We were with you. We brought you here to Pomfrey."
"When I transformed back -- when I came to, it was so bad. It still is," he gestured to his bandage covered body. "I didn't want you to see me like this. At least not until I was fully healed and I was scared-"
"Moony," Sirius breathed out, moving closer to him on the bed. He brought his hand to Remus' face and gently stroked any patch of actual skin he could. Remus had the softest skin, even his scar tissues were much, much softer than they looked.
"Padfoot," Remus offered him a small smile.
"I missed you so much," Sirius choked out. "You can't do that again. You have to let me see you- You have to, you just have to."
Remus shook his head, "I won't."
Sirius stared at him until he felt his eyes swell up. He quickly glanced down and squeezed Remus' hand just a little bit tighter, trying to find some sort of grounding.
"Pads, are you crying?" Remus asked, his voice barely a small whisper. "I don't think I've ever seen you cry before, what's wrong?"
Looking up, Sirius felt a stray tear make its way down his cheek. Remus opened his mouth to say something and before he could get it out, Sirius leaned forward and cut him off with a kiss.
The air was knocked out of his lungs as his lips met Remus'. The sound of his heart racing filled his eardrums -- a menacing thump, thump, thump. His eyes flew open and were met with the white of the bandage on Remus' cheeks. He pulled back, completely and utterly stunned. He threw a hand over his mouth while Remus gaped at him.
"I'm so sorry. Oh- please, Re- I'm sorry-"
"Sirius."
Sirius pulled his hand away and abruptly stood up. He took several steps back before he bent down, scrambling to gather up the cloak in his arms so he could make his way out. He shouldn't have done that. There are a million and one things he could've done instead of that.
How would he ever look at his best friend in the eyes ever again? He looked up to apologize to Remus once more when he saw the boy reach for his wand and Accio'd the cloak from his grasp.
"Sirius, stop!" Remus said, his voice loud and sharp. Sirius looked back up, eyes wide at how loud he got. His voice was usually so soft, he talked in almost whispers. The sound made him freeze in place. "Sit, please?"
And Sirius did.
Remus dropped the cloak back on the floor and grabbed Sirius' hand, intertwining their fingers together. His eyes moved down to their hands then back up at Remus'. The brown looked so soft, so inviting -- Sirius wanted to drown in them.
"Don't ever apologize for that ever again, do you hear me?" Remus said.
Relief flooded throughout Sirius' body. Remus grinned at him and he couldn't help but mirror it. "Yeah?" He breathed out.
"Yeah, you git. Kiss me again."
And who was Sirius Black to deny him that?
He leaned forward and connected their lips and time stopped. He placed his hand in the back of Remus' neck, pulling him closer and breathing him in. It still wasn’t clear to Sirius if he was dreaming or not, but the raw emotion in the way Remus' fingers clung to his tie, the softness of the boy's lips, and the faint taste of this favourite tea on his lips was enough to convince him that he hadn't dreamt that moment to life.
They pulled back for air and rested their foreheads against one another. Remus placed his palm on Sirius' cheek, the hand a little cold on his skin but he didn't care and leaned into the touch. He closed his eyes and thought about the number of times he had dreamed of this moment.
"I'm not convinced this is real," He said, refusing to open his eyes, terrified that Remus will no longer be there when he does.
"Open your eyes, Pads."
"I missed you so much," Sirius slowly opened his eyes. Remus' face was mere inches away from him. This boy that he's loved for so long, his best friend, his Remus, his Moony.
"It's real. I promise it is." Remus smiled, "I'm sorry again. I just didn't want you to see me like this-"
"Moony," Sirius sighed, leaning in and placing a soft kiss on Remus' lips, lingering just a little bit. "You're so beautiful. You'll always be so, so beautiful to me."
"You flatter me, Black" grinned Remus
"I tell the truth."
"Come here," Remus said, moving his body a little more to the side and patting the empty space next to him. Sirius obeyed, carefully placing himself on the bed next to Remus who moved closer and rested his head on Sirius' chest. His hands found their way through Remus' soft curls.
Remus knew how he felt and he returned his feelings. Sirius' lips twisted into a smile at the thought. He placed a kiss on top of the shaggy curls tickling his face and held the boy as tight as he could. They had a lot to talk about but right now, at this moment, he was holding Remus and that's all he needed.
"She'll be back soon," Remus mumbled on his chest, the sound sending vibrations throughout his entire body.
"I don't care," replied Sirius. "Just wanna hold you a bit longer."
Remus looked up at him, smiling, "Alright. I'm okay with that."