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1999
Summer - June
"Stevie! Do you have your shoes on yet?" Sarah Rogers yells from the kitchen. The familiar ending of Beautiful Stranger, his mother's new favorite song, flooded from the kitchen and into the living room where Steve was playing with the rebel speeder bike his dad surprised him with as an early birthday gift. "Your father called from work and I promised him we'd show the new neighbors some neighborly hospitality and invite them to dinner once they've settled all in." Sounds of his mother's footsteps led to Steve dropping his action toy on the carpet and frantically searching for his shoes.
"I'm ready! Do you think our neighbors will have a 6-almost 7 year old son too? Will he like Star Wars, Mom? Do you think so?" Steve loudly responds as he sticks his socked feet into his cousin's hand-me-down converse. His mother walks into the room with the plate of freshly baked cookies for the neighbors and, once his shoes are tied, Steve carefully takes the plate from his mom's hands.
"I don't know sweetie, we will have to see when we go and greet them. Okay?" With a nod, Steve takes his mother's hand with his free one and she leads them out the front door. The summer sun shone harshly on the pair as they briefly walked down the sidewalk to the baby-blue sided house with the fancy red brick that had a moving truck parked outside the front. When they reach the front door, Sarah silently asks for Steve to ring the doorbell and he hands the plate back to his mother. Nervously, Steve wipes his calmly hands down his shirt and reaches for the brass button.
Ding Dong!
A muffled "Coming!" from inside the house has Steve looking up at his Mother who smiles encouragingly at her son. The door opens and a woman with dark, wavy hair opens the door. "Hello!"
"Hi! I'm Sarah and this is my son Steven. Apologies that my husband Joseph isn't here as well, running a bit late from work I'm afraid." The woman smiles understandably. "We live just one house down and saw that there was some new neighbors moving in." Sarah returns the plate once again to Steve's outstretched hands and places her, now free hands, on his shoulders, "So my son and I wanted to give you a little 'welcome to the neighborhood!' gift." His mother gently squeezes his shoulder and Steve pushes the plate of cookies towards the women in the doorway.
"Oh my, that's so mighty sweet of you! Thank you so much!" The woman turns and calls into the house "George! Come here with Rebecca and bring James as well please!" The name of a boy makes Steve perk up in excitement. She takes the plate as a man arrives in the doorway with a toddler in his arms as well as something, or someone trailing carefully behind him. "I'm Winnifred, this is my husband George, my baby girl Rebecca'' she gestures to the man and toddler beside her, "and this little monkey here, is my son James Buchanan." Winnifred reaches behind her husband to push the young boy to the doorway but only succeeds in moving the boy behind his mother's legs instead of his father's.
Steve lights up considerably. A friend?
"James Bu-Bucan-Buch-That's too hard to say, I'm just gonna call you Bucky! Do you like Star Wars Bucky?" Steve excitedly asks, trying to get a better look at his soon-to-be new friend.
"Stevie!" His mother gently scolds. "Sorry, he hasn't quite mastered polite social interactions. He's just really excited to have a possible friend on the same block as us." Winnifred laughs and attempts to move the newly nicknamed Bucky towards Steve.
"Ah no worries! James Buchanan is a bit of a mouthful, Bucky is a perfect nickname. Thank you Steven." The woman smiles at Steve and he flushes at the praise. "Speaking of Star Wars, my son does in fact like those movies. Don't you James?" Winnifred stage whispers "He's a bit shy around new people." to Sarah.
A dark head of messy wavy hair, similar to Winnifred's, slides from behind his mother's legs, grabs her hand that's not holding the cookies, and mumbles a small "Yes.'' That makes the blonde boy incredibly excited.
"Me too! I love Star Wars too! Who's your favorite character? Mine is Leia!" The dark haired boy moves even further away from his mom and Steve can finally see his face. Soft blue eyes that widened at Steve's words that also looked up to his mother with a silent request. Winnifred nods happily and Bucky looks back at the blonde boy.
"Leia is also my favorite. I like her hair."
"That's so cool! We're gonna be best-friends!" Steve pauses for a moment. "Only if you want to be best-friends though?" Remembering his mother's previous scold. Bucky nods slowly and carefully, eyes still wide but a smile forming. Behind Steve and his mom, the familiar sound of his father's car rolling down the street had Steve's head turning away from his new best-friend.
"That would be my husband, Joseph, who I mentioned earlier. I'm afraid we have to leave and start making dinner. It was lovely to meet you all, and once again, we welcome you to our little neighborhood. Let me know when you're all settled in, the Roger's would be so happy to host your family at dinner." Sarah bows her head at Winnifred and George, then takes Steve's hand.
"That would be delightful, thank you so much Sarah for the welcome. And please, have a nice evening." She turns her attention to Bucky. "Give your new friend Steve a little wave goodbye?" Bucky swallows and waves lightly to Steve. In response Steve wildly waves back with his free hand and skips away, making his mother have to rush her goodbye to catch up with him.
When they reached their house, Steve's dad was just getting out of his car. Steve lets go of his mother's hand and rushes to give his dusty covered father a hug.
"Hiya Champ, have a good day?"
"I made a best-friend. His name is James Bucana-something, but I just call him Bucky. His favorite Star Wars character is also Leia, isn't that so cool!"
Steve rattles on about his new friend as the trio walks into the entryway of their house.
1999
Autumn - October
Steve felt the air leave his lungs when he hit the rain-damp cement. He also felt one of the older boys from grade 4 kick his stomach while he was already down.
"Stop being such a loser Wormie."
"It's actually Stevie-" Another swift kick to his middle. Steve winces in pain. A loud "HEY! I'm gonna get a teacher if you don't leave him alone!" reaches across the quad and Steve doesn't even have to look up to know it's Bucky ready to defend him, regardless of his usual shyness around strangers. Neither of them ever liked bullies.
"C'mon, let's go." A different 4th grader grumbles to the posse and they take off running away from Steve's fallen body. When he looks up he sees Bucky approaching him with a massive stick and a worried expression.
"Stevie! Are you okay? What happened?" His words are panicked. Steve carefully sits up and places his arm over his probably bruised stomach. Bucky drops the stick and sits down right next to him.
"I'm fine, I think. They were just making fun of my shoes saying that they were lame. I told them they were lame for being bullies." Steve says dejectedly while looking at the shoes in question. He turns his head back to Bucky and sees him untying one of his own shoes. "Bucky what-wait what are you doing?"
"We're gonna trade left shoes because I don't think your shoes are lame. I actually think they're quite rad."
"You think so?" Steve smiles at Bucky who grins right back.
"I know so."
---
"Dad."
"Yes Steve?"
"If someone said Mom's shoes were ugly would you take one of her shoes and wear it proudly?" Both of Steve's parents looked at Steve questionably but his father finished his mouthful and swallowed.
"Well. I love your mother very much so if she asked," Joseph turns his head to his wife and smiles at her, "I would. I would 100% wear her most uncomfortable shoes if she asked.""
"And if you love someone, you should get married? Because you have to be in-love to get married, right?" Steve questions, unaware of his mother's perplexed face.
"Well that's certainly an important aspect of it, isn't it dear?" Sarah asks Steve's father in a humorous tone that Steve couldn't pick up on.
"Yes it is Sarah. Why do you ask this question Stevie?" Steve's father redirects his attention back to Steve.
"Well because that's why Bucky and I switched left shoes because Bucky some jerks from 2 grades above called my shoes lame and Bucky wanted to make it clear he thought they were rad."
"That's really kind of James. I was wondering where you other shoe was." Sarah laughs and puts down her knife and fork while Joseph, smiling, takes another bite of their beef dinner. "But, may I ask, how does marriage relate to that, sweetie?" Steve is quiet for a moment, clearly thinking about his answer.
"Well Dad said that he would do that for you because he loves you. So that means Bucky loves me and because I also gave him my shoe I must also love Bucky. And if you're in-love, you should go get married because that's what is important in marriage. That means Bucky and I should get married. So I think I wanna marry Bucky."
Just as Steve states what he thinks is completely sound and logical reasoning, Joseph nearly chokes on the piece of meat.
1999
Winter - December
"Do you think computers are gonna explode and everyone is gonna die when 1999 turns to 2000? That's what some of the other kids are saying." Bucky mentions to Steve as they sit on Bucky's back porch, watching their parents' friends mingle in his backyard.
"My Dad says that's impossible because the computers were made by really, really, really, smart people and they won't explode. Plus my dad is always right." Steve echoes in a response, feeling the winter wind flow around them. He zips his hoodie up more and wishes his wide-legged pants weren't letting in the cold. "I can't believe our parents are letting us stay up until midnight."
"I know!" Bucky giddily exclaims. "So cool. And we get to see the fireworks go off this year!"
"It will be like a light saber fight in the sky!" The two grin at each other at the mention of Star Wars, already planning to be Young Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon Jinn for their next Halloween costume.
"You wanna know what else I heard Stevie from the other kids?"
"What Buck?"
"People," he gestures for Steve to come closer and whispers " kiss when it becomes a new year... we should try it!" Steve gasps.
"We should? Isn't it gross?"
"Totally!" Bucky takes in Steve's unsure face. "But c'mon Stevie! It's tradition and we can tell everyone about it when we go back to school in January, how we both had a New Years Kiss? Everyone would be so jealous of us!"
"That's true." Steve pauses to think about it for a moment, then agrees without actually doing any thinking. Bucky laughs like he knows and offers a closed fist. Steve fist bumps him.
---
Ten!
Nine!
Eight!
Seven!
Six!
"Are you ready Bucky?" He taughts his friend.
Five!
"For A) our first New Year's Kiss, B) for the year 2000, or C) for the world to explode when it hits 12am?" Bucky responds with a grin, that shy kid that Steve once met earlier that year during summer completely gone.
Four!
"Is there a answer D) for all of the above?" They both laugh as the parents ahead of them cheer, counting down the seconds with strange and tacky 2000 glasses on.
Three!
Two!
"Happy New year Buck."
One!
Bucky turns and awkwardly puts his lips on Steve's as fireworks go off in the sky. After a second they shoot back from one another, Bucky wearing a grossed out expression.
"Ew. Kissing is weird. And gross." His friend sticks out his tongue and scrunches his face.
"Yeah totally." Steve quickly agrees, accepting that his flushed face was one of disgust.
"Also, you totally cheated! You can't wish someone a Happy New Year before it hits 12am."
"Okay. Happy New Year Bucky. Ha. See? No cheating there." Steve takes his finger and pokes Bucky in the side, getting a yelp out of the other boy.
"Oh. It's on ."
With that promise, Steve takes off running with Bucky trailing just a hair behind him.
And then naturally, in the process of their game of tag, they knock over a table.
2000
Winter - January
Sarah sent Steve to his room when the men in suits and briefcases came to their front door wearing matching expressions of pity and discomfort. He didn't go to his room. Instead, Steve stood in the hallway between the bedrooms and the bathroom and used the shadows to hide. All Steve wanted was to try to hear what was being said in the dining room. He heard bits and pieces, a lot of adult words he didn't understand but the words he did sounded a bit like "there was an accident" and "this was an issue with the machinery, not the company" and even "the company will provide limited money for you and your son" .
Even mixed with all the adult words, Steve knew that something was wrong. His mother was not crying, but instead sobbing at their dining room table. When he saw her stand up from her chair and shake one of the men's hands, he rushed to his bedroom, hopped into bed, and pretended that he was asleep. A couple minutes later, he hears his door creak open and light from the hallway shine into his dark room. She walks over to his bed, still sniffling, and gently shakes him.
"Sweetie. Stevie. Steve. You've gotta wake up honey." In the best fake sleepy voice Steve could muster, he responds softly, as if he was just awoken.
"Yeah Mom, what's wrong?"
"I'm sorry Steven but- oh god." She crumples down and grasps Steve so tightly he could hardly move his arms to reciprocate. She moves away and looks into his eye, the light from the hallway highlighting the redness of his mother's eyes. She carefully moves the blonde hair out of his face and her shaky hands betray her attempt to seem stable. "I don't know how to tell you this but-. Oh Stevie, something terrible has happened to your dad. I'm so sorry. I'm just so sorry Steve."
2003
Spring - May
When they got back to school in late January 2000, Steve and Bucky never got around to gloating about having their first New Year's Kiss.
Instead, Steve's entire year 2000 was full of "I'm sorry for your loss" and the many "Let us know if we can do anything to help you and your mother out". They continued well into 2001 and 2002. To put it frankly, they never actually stopped, Steve just finally figured out how to avoid speaking about his father's death.
Bucky held his hand during the funeral and during Steve's eulogy for his father. He stood right beside him, in front of what it seemed, every person in the world who knew Joseph. When Steve tearfully spoke about his love for his dad, his best friend squeezed his hand tightly.
Bucky never once left Steve alone to figure out his pain on his own. Bucky and his family spent a lot of time at Steve's house, keeping him company as well as making sure he was okay. Steve assumed his mother would have done the same if groceries weren't expensive and the company money hadn't dried up so fast that she had to start taking more, and more shifts at the hospital.
Steve, even as a 9 year old, thought that the company that owned the factory should have paid the family of the man they killed more money. He never voiced it, not to his mother. Not even to Bucky. He couldn't, Sarah was working non-stop to keep their lights on but she still found time to kiss her son on the forehead, tell him she loved him, and that everything was going to be okay.
But Steve knew nothing was going to be okay when his mother was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer a shy 2 months before his 11th birthday.
---
Sarah wouldn't accept money for treatment from The Barnes or even her half-sister Angie. Maybe she was too proud to accept handouts, Steve would never know. What she and his father drilled into him was that hard-work and passion make one successful and that if he needed something, he needed to do it himself. She tried to continue to work but she was denied because her health was only decreasing. Steve tried to get a job anywhere, even if it meant just bagging groceries for a dollar a day. But no one wanted to hire an 11 year old.
All Steve wanted was just a little more time with his mom.
2005
Autumn - September
"And throughout my entire life, I would hear people tell my mother that I was such a strong and persevering kid, full of heart and soul; even through everything I experienced. But when I looked into my mom's eyes when I was-when-I'm sorry, just a moment, please," Steve pauses to take a deep stabilizing breath as he chokes up, "When I was holding her hand and saying goodbye, I know that it was her heart, and her strength, and her perseverance, that she shared to me and which I will always carry, wherever I go. As we inter her today, remember that she was a loving daughter, a devoted wife, and a damn incredible mom." Steve's voice cracks as tears threaten to spill down from his blood shot eyes. "Thank you everyone for coming today, I-well I really appreciate it. She would have appreciated it. Uh, thank you."
Steve hands the microphone off to what he assumes is one of his relatives and basically runs away from the crowd on his freakishly long legs that sprouted out of nowhere. He finds a mausoleum that no one else is mulling around and leans against the outside wall, slowly sliding downwards until he's sitting on the dew covered ground. Steve puts his head in his hands and just stares at his shoes, praying to god he can be left alone for a bit. They're the shoes his mom brought him to soften the news that she wasn't getting better.
Unfortunately, he wasn't alone for long. Like clockwork, where Steve goes, Bucky soon follows.
"Stevie." Steve refused to look up even when Bucky nudged the blonde's foot with his own.
"No."
"It was a beautiful eulogy. You did a great job Stevie-"
"Don't fuckin' call me that, James." Bucky bristles at Steve's tone.
Steve knew it was unfair to be cruel to his closest friend but life had been nothing but unfair to him for 13 years.
"Steve. C'mon. Don't-don't do this to me. Don't shut me out."
"Shut you out? Huh? Is mourning the loss of both my mom and my dad shutting you out?"
"You know that's not what I meant." Bucky sits down right next to Steve without touching him, giving him a physical boundary. "Like at all Steve." After that they sit in silence for roughly an hour. Steve staring at his flame converses, Bucky staring at Steve staring at his flame shoes.
"Look, Steve, I don't know if this is the right time-"
"They why are you fuckin' saying it. If you don't think it's a good time, why do you even bring it up." Bucky shakes his head and grabs Steve's hand, the blonde doesn't really have it in him to put up a physical fight and just accepts it. "I'm sorry that was a little bit harsh." The brunette offers him a sad smile.
"I'm gonna say it because I don't want you to feel alone."
"Which I am because my parents are dead-"
"Steve." Bucky's tone was stern but there was no anger behind it.
"James Buchanan."
"Oh fuck you." He gently squeezes Steve's hand. "I love you Steve," No. No. No. Steve's hand goes limp in Bucky's grasp and looks up from his shoes to gape at Bucky, "and I've loved you since I gave you my left shoe when we were 7." Steve yanks his hand out of Bucky's like he had been burned and shoots up out of his sitting position, leaving Bucky to have to crank his head upwards, also looking surprised. He only had to look up briefly because quickly, the brunette was also standing up.
"No, Buck. Don't continue this." Steve jabs his pointer finger into Bucky's chest, turns away, and begins a tactical retreat back to the car he arrived in. The first droplet of water falls on Steve's forehead as he speed walks away, panic filling his body and forcing his weirdly sized legs to walk faster.
Of course Steve knows that Bucky loves him. He'd be a fool not to. Hell, Steve probably loves him too. But Steve's leaving.That's why he was alone up there, delivering his mom's eulogy when he could've, should've, had support. But they were too attached and Steve needed out of Indiana, forever. The state was suffocating him.
"I have loved you since you told your parents that you wanted to marry me. Since New Years, 2000, when we thought about how computers could explode and kill us all. When kissed at 12am, played tag, and broke a table." Bucky begins to say louder, more desperately.
"Bucky, stop. " Steve's voice cracks as the droplets falling from the sky multiply, turning into a downpour on the pair.
"I loved you when I held your hand during your dad's eulogy. I loved you every minute I spent at your house making sure you weren't lonely when your mom was working." Bucky catches up and grabs Steve's arm, forcing him to face him, and not allowing him to get away this time until he finishes. "God Steve, I've probably loved you since you told me your favorite character was Leia and gave me the nickname 'Bucky'. You must know that. I love you Steve. You're my best friend and I just want you to stay with me and not lose your mind because you're convinced you're doomed to be alone forever-" His words were frantic and Bucky was basically begging for any response. All Steve wished he could say was I love you, I love you. But Steve couldn't do that, it wouldn't keep them together.
"I'm not staying, like at all." Steve cuts him off dryly.
"What-what do you mean?"
"I'm moving to Brooklyn. I'm going to live with my Auntie Angie and her friend Peggy, in New York. Decently far away from Indiana. You gotta understand why, Bucky. After everything I've been through."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Bucky sounded defeated as they both stood in the pouring rain, soaking wet in the middle of a depressing cemetery.
"I wasn't going to."
"You weren't even going to? Steve, we have been best friends since age 6, I just confessed that I've probably been in love with you the entire time, and you're admitting that you weren't even gonna tell me you were leaving? What-what about your house here?"
"We're gonna sell it. Money will go to my college fund. My mom left me everything in her will." Bucky throws his hands up in a frustrating notion. "It would have been for the better if I left without telling you."
"No it would fucking not be for the better, why didn't you tell me. My family would have taken you in, no questions. We basically already have, you're an honorary Barnes at this point." The brunette drops one hand on his waist and the other on his forehead.
"BOYS!" The two turn towards the sound of Winnifred yelling at them from a distance and angrily notioning them to come to cover of the cars with her dark umbrella.
"This conversation is done." Steve mutters.
"Fine." Bucky rebuttals.
"Fine!" Steve parrots because he, for the most part, has nothing better that he could say.
Winnifred chews her son out when they finally get over to her. For Steve, she just gently pats him on the back and softly asks him not to run off where people can't find him. Steve only barely bites back that Bucky managed to find him quite quickly and easily, much to his dismay.
His aunt lightly guides Steve over to her car, opens the door for him, and gives him a comforting head rub before heading to the driver's seat. Steve grabs the door and turns his head around searching for his brunette friend. He finds Bucky staring back at him with eyes filled with pity. Steve offers him an, admittedly, regretful smile and gets into the car without looking back. He keeps his eyes facing forward on the road ahead, ignoring the desperate feeling clawing at him to just turn around.
---
Steve doesn't see Bucky again for nearly 17 years.