Work Text:
[Written transcript of an audio recording of initial session with client Martin Blackwood (see supplementary file and notes). Session took place 15 October 2017.
Unofficial subjective observations and key details of client conduct are noted throughout.
Client speech is denoted by M; practitioner by P. Recording begins after standard preamble.]
P: Thanks so much for coming all the way out here. I know it's a little bit of a trek from... oh, I'm so sorry, you have told me...
M: Stockwell.
P: Ah. Less of an odyssey than it could be, at least. Good.
M: Yeah. Not a problem, anyway.
P: Nonetheless, I certainly appreciate it. Now. To begin, would you like to tell me a little bit about what brings you in today?
M: Aah. Hah. Haha. No. Not really?
P: Understandable. Could we give it a try anyway?
M: Yeah. Yes. Sorry. I’m… I’m a bit nervous.
P: That’s quite normal; first sessions can be very daunting. Take as long as you need.
M: Thanks. (pause) Um, uh, I guess the easiest way of putting it is… I’ve… had… a, a lot of stress at work lately.
P: Ah. What do you do?
M: (laughing) I’m… an… archival assistant. Mostly.
P: Mostly? Do you have a night job?
M: Oh. No. Sorry, I guess I was… joking? Um, it’s just the job… encompasses a lot more than just that, I suppose. There’s quite a high turnover rate, and… and I usually end up doing some… uh, field work, you might call it.
P: I see. Any particular reason for the high turnover?
M: (laughing, manically) Yep. Yeah. Yes. Probably the, uh, less than ideal culture… and, and, also a slightly higher-than-average rate of, um… grievous bodily injury, and, um… (unintelligible).
P: Sorry?
M: Well, um, I mean, there was a pretty big… accident, recently. I- I don’t mean to make light. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m… being so flippant like that. It’s… really… not funny.
P: Humour is not at all an uncommon response to or coping mechanism for trauma. Can you tell me a bit about what happened?
M: Um. Uh. Yeah. So… there was… a… yeah. Mm. An accident. In Y- um, do you know what, it’s not… actually important where. In the field. It was… um… bad. Bad bad. My coll- um. No. My friend. Tim. He… died. So. Yeah.
P: I’m terribly sorry to hear that.
M: Yeah.
P: Your job is… archiving, you said?
M: Hah. Mm. Yes.
P: I see… so, you were quite close with Tim, then, I take it?
M: Yeah. We’d sort of… been through… we’d, um, navigated a lot… of… problems together. It’d… been… we’d worked together quite a while by… by the time it happened. Sorry.
P: I take it that must have been very difficult.
M: Yeah. Yeah, I… slept for a couple of days. I’m not really one for drink usually, but… (pause) But, um, that sort of brings me round to… to another big reason I came. Here.
P: Yes?
M: Um. Well. So. (laughs) Sooo, my, um… my… boss. I know what you’re thinking, if it’s that bad a place to work, the boss must just be an absolute nightmare—
P: Are you often in the habit of attempting to mind read, Martin?
M: Sorry?
P: Are you concerned that I’m judging you?
M: I, uh… well, um, that’s… that’s your job, isn’t it?
P: No, Martin.
M: Oh.
P: You’ve not told me a thing about your boss yet. So how am I to have formed an opinion?
M: Oh. Um. I guess… you… can’t have?
P: No. Trying to circumvent someone’s negative perception by saying it yourself before they have a chance is generally not particularly effective, in my experience.
M: Oh.
P: I apologise, I interrupted. You were saying.
M: Right. Yeah. Right. My boss. I… I mean, he is. A bit of a nightmare, that is. Actually. But… but I’m… I, I mean I was … well, um. (sniffs) Doesn’t matter, really, anyway. He was… hurt… really badly. In… in that accident I mentioned.
P: Past tense?
M: Oh, yeah, um, he’s… no, he’s not… completely dead. Yet. Just… um… some sort of coma? For a good… couple of months, now. It’s fine.
P: Is it?
M: Um… no. No. It… it kind of destroyed me in the moment, let alone… how I felt afterwards, because, afterwards, I just kept- keep- hoping, and I haven’t really… gone to church much since I was a kid, you know, but I’ve been praying for him every single day anyway because I suppose you never know, you know? But… but the hoping itself is… it’s… it’s crushing me, a little bit? Like if my insides were in a vise? Because, um, you see, I’m not really over it, as such, because I think there’s a very… distinct… um, possibility. Likelihood. Chance, or, or, something, that I was—or—am- I… was in love with him, and he’s probably just… dead now, and, um, it’s not fine, it’s literally killing me, but… it’s fine. I’m fine. You know? Fine.
P: I think… I think we might have a few things to unpack there.
M: Great.
P: Let’s take it back just a bit. Can you tell me a bit more about your boss? Before the accident?
M: Um. Yeah. Yes. Sure. Um… what? Specifically?
P: Well, falling in love with someone is no small matter. How about we begin there?
M: Jesus. Right. Yeah. So, um… really?
P: It’s up to you, Martin.
M: Right. Okay. We… we met, like, a bit under two years ago now? And… I… I mean, it might sound a bit stupid, but… when we met, he was a complete wanker.
P: I see.
M: That’s not it! That’s not why. That’s not… all, I mean. There’s more. He didn’t just… stay a wanker. Not forever. That’d be concerning. If he had, I mean.
P: Quite. Take your time.
M: Thanks. Sorry. Bit jumbled. I… I do rush a bit sometimes.
P: There’s no call for an apology. We’re here to work at your pace. So if you benefit from working quickly, that’s what we’ll do.
M: W- um. Hmm. Yeah.
P: Hmm?
M: Yeah. Hmm. I just, um, I, I sort of thought… I’d… be, ah, doing it… wrong?
P: Is it common for you to presume you’re in the wrong?
M: (24 seconds of silence on recording) I see what you’re doing.
P: I should hope so, Martin. I’m a psychologist. I’m not trying to trick you.
M: Yeah, but, I… you… I can see it.
P: Good, so you aren’t walking in blind. Are you avoiding my question?
M: Maybe.
P: Could we give answering it a go?
M: Um. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Common. For me. To do that.
P: Thank you. May I ask why you think that is?
M: I thought I was coming here for you to tell me that.
P: In my experience, mind reading doesn’t typically fall within the purview of… well, human ability.
M: (laughing)
P: Unfortunate, I know. But, in the meantime, what are your thoughts?
M: I… um, it’s probably because I’m… generally a bit inept. A bit… thick. You know.
P: Martin, with all due respect, you were able to intuit my methods correctly from my having asked a preliminary question or two. So, I’m afraid on logic alone I must disagree with your assessment of “thick”.
M: Oh.
P: And, given you’ve managed to stay in a job with high turnover and injury rates, I’m quite inclined to doubt “inept” just as thoroughly.
M: Uhh, then, I, um… it’s just I usually… cock things- oh- shit- oh- God, sorry, I—
P: Please don’t take my lack of profanity as a lack of permission for you to use it as necessary.
M: Oh. Right. Well. Yeah. Um. I usually cock things up on the first go-round. As I’ve… just… so ably demonstrated.
P: What makes you think so?
M: Eugh.
P: Martin?
M: I feel a bit egotistical talking about what I think about myself so much.
P: (nonverbal response)
M: Yes, okay, alright, I get it. Fine. Okay. Well. Um, ah, a while… ago… there was… heh, a bug in the system at work, so to speak, and… I- I. (Mr Blackwood wells up at this point) Um, I left… I left Jon—oh, that’s, that’s my boss’s name, Jon, Jonathan—Jon and Tim… left them a bit, um… high and dry on that one. When… when it was… something of an obvious oversight to do that.
P: How long a while ago was this?
M: God, it was… nearly a year ago.
P: You probably shouldn’t be holding onto guilt from a work mistake that occurred nearly a year ago.
M: No, but you don’t- I’m not- uh… ah… what’s- what’s your confidentiality protocol again?
P: I cannot and will not disclose any details whatsoever unless you’ve committed any acts of terrorism or I have an immediate concern that you’re thinking seriously about harming yourself or someone else.
M: (pause) Even if it’s, like, proper loony?
P: As it happens, Martin, proper loony sits quite squarely in my wheelhouse.
M: (longer pause) Do you promise?
P: I’m legally bound on threat of losing my licence to practice, but I can cross my heart, too, if that would help.
M: It… was… a somewhat… life-threatening… situation back then, too, actually.
P: I wasn’t aware archiving had become such a hazardous line of work.
M: I… work for… The… Magnus Institute. So.
P: But you work in the Archive, you said?
M: Yeah, but… (end of utterance)
P: Look, you’re the one who knows what you’ve experienced, Martin. I don’t doubt any of what you’ve told me so far, and even if I did, your emotional state and mental health are my concerns, not the factual minutiae of what’s happened to you. I’m just here to listen to you. Do you understand?
M: I suppose.
P: However, in the interest of keeping the timeline clear, may I ask what was life-threatening about this… bug?
M: Nope.
P: Okay. I’m… not advocating in one direction or another, but… I’m interested to know whether you’ve considered leaving this job.
M: Um… considered? (laughs) Yeah. Loads of times.
P: What’s stopped you?
M: Well… let’s call it… a… need.
P: A need?
M: I… just… really… love… sorting old… documents.
P: I see.
M: Me too.
P: Beg your pardon?
M: Sorry. Private joke. Anyway. So. I, I guess it’s… not strictly accurate to say I cock things up just on the first go. I mean, I did nearly get Jon and Tim killed a year ago. But… then I cocked exactly that up again this time. Though, I guess, I did improve insofar as I actually got Tim this time. And Jon still isn’t breathing unassisted, so… maybe I’ll have a one hundred percent hit rate this time. Hurray.
P: I’m sure the uncertainty about Jon must be very difficult for you to grapple with.
M: Well, I mean, yeah, it’s… kind of my fault. So… yeah, it’s… it’s pretty difficult.
P: Quite. Can I ask you to do something?
M: Probably.
P: It’s perfectly normal to have feelings of blame and guilt after something traumatic happens—
M: Okay, wait, wait, I think “traumatic” is pushing it a little bit.
P: The death of a close friend and the doubtful survival of a dearly loved one?
M: Pff, I can top that, my mum died last week.
P: (long pause) Martin, I’m… I’m quite concerned for you.
M: Makes sense.
P: We’ll… put a pin in that discussion a second. For now, I’d like you to try just… noticing when you’re having an unkind thought about yourself.
M: Sorry, noticing?
P: Yes.
M: I don’t… think I follow.
P: If you find yourself thinking things like “I’m stupid”, or “this is my fault”, or… things of that nature, I’d like you to try mentally stepping back from that reaction. Just a half step. Just enough to be able to observe it and say “hmm, I’m having an unkind thought about myself”.
M: Is… that it?
P: As a first step, yes.
M: That sounds daft. Sorry. Sorry! No offence. Sorry. I meant…
P: You’re within your rights to think so. But I’d still like you to try it. Even if it only leads to you coming in to your next session and telling me all about how daft you found it.
M: Fine.
P: Thank you. Let me know how it goes. Now… would you like to get back to your mother?
M: Ooh. Not really.
P: You weren’t close?
M: We… were. Sort of. She got sick… a really long time ago, so she… she was never really very engaged with me, for about… thirteen or fourteen years by the end. And now she’s dead.
P: I’m very sorry for your loss.
M: Yeah. So am I. It’s… it’s weird, though, because I’ve… I’ve gotten so used to… missing people all the time that it hardly registered. Hardly registers, I should say. It’s just another drop in the… the overflowing bucket of misery, you know? The only thing that sticks out is… is I keep hoping Jon’ll wake up.
P: Do you know his prognosis?
M: Um, well, he… he was technically alive when I left this morning and hopefully he still will be when I go back later. That’s all I’ve got, currently, beyond… hoping. I already told you about hoping. It’s about as close to nothing as it’s possible to get without literally being nothing, so.
P: I suppose you must feel very lonely at the moment.
M: That’s certainly one word for it.
P: I imagine you and Jon spent quite a lot of time together. Being colleagues.
M: Yeah. We were… we used to get lunch like, twice a week at least. Together.
P: I suppose you didn’t have a chance to discuss your feelings with him?
M: Hah, with Jon? No. Nope. No. He… he’s a bit… prickly, and besides that, there’s… always been a lot going on.
P: So what did you talk about together?
M: Oh. Um. A- A lot of things, really. Not a lot of… personal stuff. Not at first, anyway. A surprising amount about recording fidelity?
P: Oh?
M: (laughing) He’s got a… a thing against tape. I love tape.
P: As in analogue tape?
M: Yeah. Yeah, I, I’m, a bit… pretentious, maybe, but… I’ve always written… poetry… and I really feel like poetry is best when it’s spoken—like Shakespeare is, you know?—and… I’ve always preferred the quality tape gives it. So I… I record my poems.
P: That’s delightful, Martin.
M: (pause) Thanks. Thank you. You’re very kind.
P: I’m not just saying it. I suspect this is a moment where you need to notice an unkind thought.
M: (longer pause) I thought you said you couldn’t mind read.
P: (laughing) I can’t, I assure you. People are surprisingly predictable in a lot of circumstances.
M: That’s… weirdly kind of comforting.
P: I agree.
M: Wait, didn’t you give me that… task… like two minutes ago?
P: Yes.
M: That… that was quick.
P: Yes.
M: So…
P: So?
M: So you don’t think I’m giving myself enough credit.
P: No.
M: Did you miss the bit where I’ve gotten my friends killed? Like, recently?
P: No.
M: Wh- how?
P: Do you think Tim would agree with your assessment?
M: Well, that’s not fair.
P: Why not?
M: Well, of course Tim wouldn’t agree, but—
P: But he’s your friend and would therefore give you the credit he feels you’re due?
M: Um. (pause) Yes.
P: So.
M: So, what, you think I should just, also start doing that?
P: (nonverbal response)
M: Yeah, but, what about-
P: Martin.
M: What?
P: Stay with me for a moment here, because I suspect you will want to dismiss this outright: I must inform you that you’re not uniquely loathsome or undeserving of the respect or credit you would afford anyone else.
M: Um. (13 seconds of silence) Um, sorry?
P: Which part isn’t clear?
M: The- um- no, sorry? What?
P: You are no more or less deserving than anybody you know. Or anybody else, end of.
M: Right. What’s the time?
P: Just gone 12:38.
M: Oh.
P: Why do you ask?
M: I think. I forgot. A meeting. Lunch meeting. Now.
P: Ah, if you need to go, that’s fine, but I would like to say just one more thing.
M: Eugh, yeah?
P: Running from the truth will not invalidate it.
(Practitioner’s note: At this point in the session, Mr Blackwood stands. He does not sit for the remaining 12 minutes.)
M: I don’t like you very much.
P: I should hope not.
M: Wh- uh, what?
P: If you were pleased and gratified with everything I am saying this early on, I imagine I would not be doing my job very effectively.
M: That’s… fair.
P: Are you comfortable there?
M: Not remotely, no.
P: But you prefer to stay standing.
M: Yep.
P: Okay.
M: Okay.
P: Do you think you did something egregious?
M: Um, no offence, what sort of question is that?
P: A genuine one.
M: Ye- um. I, I don’t know about egregious. But. Um. Negligent. Yes, absolutely.
P: If the situation were reversed, and I was hypothetically speaking with Jon today, and you were in the hospital—
M: Okay, but, if you were speaking with Jon, this conversation would have been very different for, um, different reasons.
P: Of course. I expect that’s correct. But, assuming I had made the same progress with him, and the topic of your injuries and his culpability came up, would you agree with him if he blamed himself?
M: Um. No, of course not.
P: Why?
M: Because, well, for one thing, how could it be his fault when he wasn’t even there.
P: (long pause) Martin.
M: (longer pause) Yes?
P: Repeat what you just said.
M: Er, no thank you.
P: Why?
M: You know why.
P: Yes, but I’d quite like you to explicitly acknowledge it.
M: H- ugh. Christ. How could it be his fault when he wasn’t even there.
P: (nonverbal response)
M: Okay. F- Fine. I get it.
P: Take note of that unkind thought, too, please.
M: How do you keep doing that?
P: Years of practice.
M: But…
P: Yes. I know. It’s very natural to feel anger or indignance or even violence in the wake of what you’ve been going through recently. I have yet to meet anyone who would not feel some combination of those. But directing those feelings inwards at yourself won’t change your situation. It won’t make your grief go away. It certainly won’t guarantee Jon’s survival or recovery. All it will do is make you feel more fragile at the next upheaval in your life, because you’re essentially undermining your own internal foundations and structure. I’m sure I don’t need to explicate why a cycle like that is unsustainable.
M: But… where do I put it all?
P: That’s a very perceptive question. I would suggest you try writing about it. That would be an excellent thing for you to read aloud and record. You don’t have to bring that back to me if it feels too personal.
M: Right.
P: Another strategy a lot of people have success with is the creation and destruction of something non-crucial: for example, building a bonfire, or tearing up old documents or papers, or both.
M: I think I like you again.
P: Thank you. I take pride in that.
M: But… there’s… something.
P: Please.
M: What if it still feels too big? What if none of that helps?
P: Well… those are two distinct questions. For the first, I’m afraid that, as you have probably heard, a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. It may be that when you begin this work, everything will continue to feel insurmountable and overwhelming. If it is, you can come back and tell me and we will go on from there.
M: Oh. Right.
P: That is my job, after all. As to your second question: well, it is a distinct possibility. If it ends up that way, and burning things also doesn’t help—although there are few people I’ve met to whom fire is not cathartic—we will keep trying and keep looking.
M: Hm. Yeah. I’ve had a complicated relationship with fire recently.
P: Is… that… so?
M: Oh! God! No! Not, in, like, a murder way or anything! Oh. Oh, my god. That sounds… really, really bad, doesn’t it? No, not, um- I’ve just put my foot in my mouth so far I’ve grazed my knee on my teeth, haven’t I?
P: (laughs)
M: Please can we pretend I didn’t say that?
P: If you like.
M: Great. Excellent. Thanks. Can I go?
P: We’ve a few more minutes.
M: I’m going to implode.
P: We can’t have that. Are you certain you’ve no further questions for me?
M: Erm… yeah, I guess. I do have one- or, or two. Two more.
P: I shan’t say fire away in this context.
M: What- what am I supposed to do if he never wakes up?
P: Ah. Well. I find it’s best not to dwell on unpleasant possibilities. In my professional experience, rarely does anybody’s anxious preoccupation come true, especially not in the way they’re picturing it. I know it might sound unhelpful on the surface, but… my strong advice is to deal with that when and if it is your reality. You would do best not to grieve someone who is not yet gone.
M: Right.
P: You said there were two.
M: Yep. I… what… what if he does?
P: Another excellent question. There isn’t any way to tell the future, of course, but I’d advise you to just allow yourself to be happy about it. It may feel uncomfortable, because you may feel that your happiness is in some way devaluing Tim or his passing, but… well, I’m sure you’re aware of the concept of containing multitudes, yes?
M: Mm.
P: We all do. You’re allowed to be overjoyed that someone you love – whatever kind of love that may be – has come to the brink of death and returned to you. If I were in your situation, I would continue to offer my support to that person in whatever way I was capable, while keeping myself boundaried and emotionally safe. The temptation after an upheaval like what you’ve experienced is to lean in to a relationship that may have been in peril. However, steering clear of codependence is just as important as giving support to our loved ones. Does that make sense?
M: Yeah. I think it does. Thanks.
P: You’re very welcome. Now, we’ve got you scheduled for the same time in a fortnight – shall I see you then?
M: Yeah.
P: Wonderful. Thank you for your work today, Martin.
M: Yeah. Thanks.
(Recording ends, duration 47:11.)
[Further notes: Mr Blackwood is a polite, pleasant, and engaged man in his late twenties. I notice he conducts himself seemingly expectant of remonstration or insult much of the time; although he is of a friendly and animated affect I would like the opportunity to explore client history and where this conduct has arisen from.
Examining his states in conversation using transactional analysis, Mr Blackwood frequently moves into a child state. I am sure there is much to explore in this area in his personal history and given my thus-far extremely limited data I will not extrapolate further.
For the same reasons, I do not wish to look too deeply into any particular diagnoses. That said, it would stand to reason that Mr Blackwood is experiencing acute PTSD from the recent deaths of his loved ones and whatever these workplace misadventures he has alluded to were. His stutter is of mild concern to me; suspect possible neurological link with previous traumas unless it is a novel development.
Unfortunately, Mr Blackwood has yet to return for a follow-up session. Since his initial session three months ago we have made appointments for no less than five different dates, but he has contacted me at about 48 hours before each of these to cancel. Every time, he has cited administrative turnover at his workplace “complicating [his] scheduling”. I am quite concerned for Mr Blackwood’s wellbeing, but I do not need to elucidate why further enquiries are not professionally advisable. I have offered my services to him over the telephone, but he has not responded to this offer. I hope most sincerely that Mr Blackwood is able to find the time and motivation to address his mental health in future.]