Work Text:
==> Roxy: Make Plans.
Oh, there's no need. You've already done that.
The plans are already made. They were made over the past couple of weeks on this sheet of NOTEBOOK PAPER you have right in front of you. You have been working on your various SCHEMES near constantly during that time.
Okay, that's probably a gross overestimation. You were frequently distracted by other things, hence the many drawing of cats that also litter the paper, the crude comics and the multiple epic battles of stick-men in the margins. But mostly this piece of paper is just loaded up with plans. Plans only you can decipher, because of your awesome "sekret codez." Also, because your handwriting is illegible. Many of the words are misspelled and you wrote part of it in pen, so there's lots of parts that are crossed out from when you actually noticed some of those misspellings.
Okay, even you can't read this garbage. In fact, you're having a really hard remembering why you even brought it. It's like not like your "plans" are all that complicated. You can probably just wing this.
"This is dumb. You're dumb," Jane says, folding her arms over her chest.
"Jaaaane. How many times...really...do I have to tell you to be wary of constriction in a part of your anatomy which may...or may not...be somewhere on the posterior region of your body. Sometimes I think you just aren't listening," you respond.
"No, this has nothing to do with that. It's just...this is pretty silly! You've had a weird bug up your butt about this for two weeks and I don't really see what the big deal is," she answers.
"Heh...butt..." you say. You write the word on the paper for good measure. One of the best things about being Roxy Lalonde is how easy it is to amuse yourself.
That was a sexual thing.
"Oh, I don't know, Jane. It kind of sounds like a ripfucking good time to me!" Jake pipes up.
"Oh...then...you want to do it?" Jane says, suddenly uncertain.
"Of course! Aren't we all strapping youths trying to have stonking good fucking fun?" Jake says.
"Uh...yes...maybe?" Jane says, suddenly clamming up.
"You see Jane...Jake gets it. He is right smack in the middle of the correct place, getting this thing I like to call 'the point.' We are, indeed, young people. And young people...like the kind that we are...just need to have fun sometimes! A night of harmless sexy fun in which it is possible that we might make choices that drastically alter our lives in ways that we are not mature enough to be prepared for," you chime in.
"Well...they're all in there now," Kanaya says as she walks in to the room.
"See...Light Bright: tell Jane here how good an idea this is," you say.
"It's a terrible idea, really," she responds.
"Oh, c'mon, Kan! I trusted you! You were like...my co-conspirasister up in this!"
"If you mean I happened to be the general vicinity when you came up with this idea, then yes, I've definitely been involved since the very beginning and have in no way ever raised any objections about it," she responds.
"Well, it's too late to back out now! They're all in there expecting me to come in with some all important news. They think they know what they're in for, but wait 'till they get a load of me! That was-"
"A sexual thing, yes," Kanaya finishes.
"Where the hell is Dirk, anyway?" You ask.
"I don't know. I looked for him, but he just...wasn't anywhere," Jane says.
Everyone looks a Jake.
"Why does everyone look at me whenever he decides to go off galavanting around? I'm the last person he tells anything! All I ever find are those damnable robots!"
"Oh! Which ones?" Jane pipes up. "I like the rapping ones. The one in the cap is funny! But even I can beat him, and I and can't rap to save my life! The one in the hoodie utterly destroys me, though. He's kind of scary, but I get the sense he's actually very much a gentleman. Well...gentlebot."
"Oh my god! We are not talking about Strider's never-ending cadre of bobobs! If Dirk's not here then I guess he got away from my rad plan this time. But we can't wait around forever, they're waiting for us so let's get to the going!" You say.
"So...we're really going to do this then if they agree to it?" Jane asks.
"Agree? Who said anything about agreeing? Roxy LaLand is not a goddamned democracy! We'll have a fuckin' lock-in if we have to. This is happening, so they best just make peace with it. We're aren't bothering with going all consensual here. We can tell them that they can scream all they like but no one will be around to hear it, so they may as well just lie back and accept it."
"And suddenly the conversation goes to a very dark place," Kanaya says.
"Oh, c'mon. They're not going to say no. Believe me, I can wield guilt like a motherfucker," you say.
Kanaya rolls her eyes, but nonetheless leads Jake and Jane out of the room.
You offer yourself a mischievous smile as you pick up the deck of cards from the table.
You have a feeling it's going to be a long night.
Coming Soon: Strip Pokerstuck: Double Down