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Life since February was like existing in a haze.
Kakucho remembered very little after drifting into darkness in a pool of blood. Or rather, his own and his best friend’s.
From hell to waking up in a hospital room. Everything medicinal and bright white like the light Izana had shoved him away from, refusing to let him die and come with him. Brain fogged by painkillers and other drugs he didn’t know how to pronounce. Being questioned by police from his hospital bed… then having his own charges dropped due to his injuries and it being his first serious offense.
Instead of an arrest, he was offered a warning as the officer shook his finger in his face. “Watch yourself. Stay out of trouble.”
If only he could. This brush with death…the gripping pain of loss…it had him feeling reckless. Like he wanted to make a careless mistake.
But Izana wouldn’t like that.
Probably. What Izana wanted had always been hard to identify.
Returning home, to where he traded a hospital bed for a bed on a couch.
Could he even call this home? He considered for a moment returning to the children’s home where he had stayed until Izana broke him out, but he knew they wouldn’t take him back now, even if he was still underage.
So here he was… squatting in an apartment he didn’t own, held in the name of a dead man.
Kakucho found that it was hard to do most things. Hard to move from his spot on the couch. Hard to get up to find something to eat.
Mostly it was hard to think of Izana. It was hard to think of him in the past tense. What he was, and what he should’ve been. Because what he should’ve been was here. Locked away in his bedroom, or safely locked away behind bars. At least somewhere still on this earth, where Kakucho could hope for his return to his side one day.
But instead he was nowhere to be found. Kakucho wondered, against his better judgement, if his body even existed anymore. What did the police department even do with bodies that had no one to claim them? If Kakucho found the answer, would they even let Kakucho take his ashes?
They had no connection to each other. No familial ties, nothing on paper documenting Izana’s importance to him. Kakucho’s name wasn’t even on Izana’s lease, and he wondered if the building owner even knew...
Kakucho shook his head, trying to dislodge the thoughts that never came loose. Distracting himself for a moment from the thoughts that would eventually swirl back to the front of his mind, as they had been doing for weeks now. Ever since he was released from the hospital, forced to exist in a world where nothing felt quite right any longer. Not when the one person who helped make everything make sense was gone.
Kakucho stared across the room, to Izana’s closed bedroom door. Kakucho had pulled it shut when he first came home, unable to cope with even seeing Izana’s belongings. It had sat shut, untouched for those same weeks. Kakucho knew that eventually, he would have to go in. To go through Izana’s things for what he could keep, and what he would unfortunately have to throw away.
The thought of discarding anything Izana owned made his heart ache just as badly as the thought of setting his eyes on any of it again. But maybe Kakucho was looking to make himself hurt. Maybe that's why, after a month of doing nothing but facing reality, Kakucho decided to turn the cold handle, and push the door open.
Behind the squeak of the hinges, a soft. mechanical whirr greeted Kakucho, his eyes settling on Izana’s small oscillating desk fan. It had been on for a month straight, though that was really nothing, because Izana never turned it off to begin with. Kakucho considered walking over and unplugging it because there was no longer a reason for it to be on, but determined that the silence of the room would be too heavy without the sounds of the fan.
Just like closing the door would make him feel too trapped, even though he never would have dared to leave it open if he was visiting Izana in his room. Izana valued his privacy, even if they were the only two there, and would scold Kakucho for leaving his door open even a crack.
Kakucho missed that.
Stepping through the doorway, one tentative footstep at a time, Kakucho reached the center of the room. Pulling the chord on his overhead light, Kakucho observed the small space around him. Izana never turned on his ceiling light for some reason, but Kakucho wanted to be able to see everything, even if it stung.
Izana’s room was neat, and his bed was made. But his pillow was on top of the covers, a dent right in the middle, as if Izana had laid down on top of the sheets one last time before leaving. There were a few blank pieces of notebook paper on the floor, likely blown from his desk by the fan, and the trashcan was about half-full of crumpled up balls of paper.
In the center of Izana’s bed was a stack of envelopes, bound together with a blue rubber band.
Sitting down on the edge of the bed, Kakucho held the envelopes in his hand, slipping the rubberband onto his wrist as he carded through the stack. On top was a letter marked with his name, hastily written in Izana’s neat script in black ink.
Kakucho - Read this first
Kakucho frowned, staring at the stack of envelopes, sealed with tape and identified with each of their friend’s names.
Ran. Rindou. Yasuhiro. Mochi. Shion. Kakucho… a second envelope with his name, followed by a dark #2 , as if Izana had pressed down hard with the pen while he was writing. The number was written at an angle different from his name, like it had been added as an afterthought.
Setting the other envelopes to the side, Kakucho held his first envelope between his hands. Holding it up to the ceiling light, he looked through it, to see if he could discern its contents. But he saw nothing but illegible words, muted and fuzzy, shining through the white paper.
Kakucho leaned back on Izana’s bed, laying his head on the pillows, as he flipped the letter over, picking at the tape with his nails. Careful not to rip the paper, eventually enough tape was picked away for the envelope to pop open, revealing a neatly folded piece of lined notebook paper. Kakucho felt his hands begin to shake as he pulled the paper out, setting the empty envelope on his chest.
Taking a deep breath, Kakucho flipped open the page.
- - - - -
Kakucho,
I realized at the last moment that maybe I should write something like this, so you know exactly what it is I’d like you to do.
I woke up this morning, feeling closer to death than I ever have before. Make no mistake, I want to win, and I have confidence that we can defeat Toman. But even so, going into these things always makes you question, “what if I don’t come home?” The rest of us have caused that result for other gangs enough times.
So it's a possibility, even for the strongest of us.
If I don’t make it home, all I ask is that you give these to our friends. Read them alone, or read them together. I don’t really care. Just make sure they read them. And read yours too.
If I make it home, I’ll burn them. I’ve done it before. Remember that time the fire alarms got set off in the middle of the night back at the orphanage? Yeah, that was me burning a letter to you after I decided to not run away. Bet you wish you knew what it said.
Izana
2/22/2006
- - - - -
Kakucho closed his eyes, folding the paper back as Izana had.
Izana’s last request, entrusted to him. Kakucho wouldn’t have it any other way.
Sitting up, Kakucho placed the letter back into the envelope before slipping to the floor, pulling Izana’s wire trash can between his legs. Reaching inside, he fished out the first balled up paper, smoothing it out to reveal the scribbled out words. Izana had lined through the text with a permanent marker, denying prying eyes from reading. Izana did not cross out Kakucho’s name though, or the words he had written after blacking out the letter.
Seven scrapped letters in total. Two with Mucho’s name as the header. Five with his own. Kakucho flattened them all out, stacking them one on top of the other in the order he pulled them from the trash. The first letter Kakucho pulled out he placed on top, Izana’s frustration apparent as most of the page was blacked out, save for a messy message meant for no one but Izana’s own eyes, right on the bottom of the page.
Why is this so hard?
—
Five months later, his friends were released from jail, and they sat in a circle on crates they had pushed together near the water. Hidden out of sight by a shipping container, someone had decided to be morbid and suggest they read their letters near the pier, meters away from where Izana died.
As they walked across the pier together, Kakucho kept his eyes trained on the ground, noticing a dark stain on the concrete. Kakucho tried to convince himself it wasn’t what he thought it was. Surely the police would have sprayed down their blood stains. The spring rains further washed away the color. The summer sun bleaching the concrete. This rusty red was much too dark, too new, to be Izana.
Walking amongst the four others who had joined them, Kakucho handed them each their envelope, checking and double checking that the one with his name was still tucked inside the pocket of his coat. Sitting down on the crate to Ran’s left, Kakucho looked down at the remaining letter in his hand as Mochi finally asked the question they had all been pondering.
“Has anyone heard from Mucho?”
Tapping his letter against his lips, Ran hummed. “That bastard got let out earlier than us due to ‘good behavior’. He probably doesn’t want anything to do with us anymore.”
Kicking the crate his brother sat on, Rindou replied “good choice on his part, if that’s the truth.”
“Well, we should get started, before there's still some sunlight to read with.” Mochi gestured to the horizon, where the sky turned orange and pink with the setting sun.
“Who should go first?” Rindou questioned, before shooting a glare at Shion who had just loudly ripped open his letter.
Shion looked up from his envelope, the slightly torn notebook paper sticking out the end. “What?”
“Well, go on. Read it.” Mochi encouraged, knowing everyone was on edge and tense about what Izana possibly had to say to all of them. They had chosen to do this together, because they had started all of this together. It was the only thing that made sense for them when Kakucho brought the letters to their attention.
“Out loud? What if he said something weird? What does it say, Kakucho?” Shion’s voice was nervous as he pulled the letter out of its home.
“I didn’t read anyone else’s letters.” They weren’t his words to read. He didn’t ask them to share, in case the letters held anything deeply personal. Kakucho only knew so much about Izana’s friendship with the other members of the S62 generation, as he had been tacked on like an accessory to their group at a much later date. They all had a different bond, different stories that tied them together, than the ones that connected him to Izana.
Dodging a playful swing from Mochi, who continued to “encourage” Shion to begin reading, Shion took a deep inhale.
“Alright, alright. Here goes…”
- - - - -
Shion,
Fellow captain of the Black Dragons. You certainly made sure that we never forgot that.
You’ve made alot of mistakes. ALOT. You’ve frustrated me more recently than made me proud, but I know. There’s still a reason we’re friends.
You were still the one I chose to take over the Black Dragons after me. I trusted you, and I don’t regret that decision. You know why that was so important. Of course, that got ruined for you so quickly, but I don’t blame you for that. Not completely.
I won’t entrust Tenjiku to you like I did the Black Dragons. But I do trust that you’ll stay with the others until the end.
They’ll need you, even if they won’t admit it.
Keep going. Stay strong, Shion Madarame, 9th Captain of the Black Dragons.
Izana
2/9/2006
- - - - -
“Goddamnit, that motherfucker really knows how to make an exit!” Shion turned to the side, hiding his face as he rubbed at his nose with the sleeve of his shirt. With an open hand, Mochi slapped his back, in a gesture that may have originally been intended to be comforting but mostly sounded painful.
Shion coughed and slapped his hand away, insisting “I’m fine, I’m fine. Fuck, man get off of me! Someone else go already! Rindou!”
Pointing with his entire arm, Shion gestured towards Rindou, sitting on his other side.
“What? Why me?”
“Just do it, Rin.” Ran kicked back at Rindou’s crate, conveniently missing and catching his leg instead. Rolling his eyes, Rindou pulled his feet underneath himself, sitting cross legged as he used his nail to rip through the top edge of his envelope.
Pulling his letter out, Rindou did a quick read of his letter quietly, his cheeks turning pink as he read Izana’s last words for him.
“Well, what’s it say? I read mine so you’ve gotta do it, too!”
“Oh, shut up , Shion.”
- - - - -
Rindou,
I feel like we never connected in the same way as I did with the others, and maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe you’re mourning me less, and can move on to other things faster than the others. Maybe you can finally get ahead, and take that next step to catch up with them.
I may not have anything sentimental to say to you, because we never knew each other on a level where sentimentality would be warranted, but before I fade from your memory for good, I still have something that needs to be said.
You are strong, but you always hide behind your brother. Maybe without thinking, maybe you’ve relied on him too long. I love him too, but you’ve earned accolades in your own right.
I’ve seen it. I know others have as well.
Stop hiding. You’re just as great as the rest of us.
Izana
2/3/2006
- - - - -
Quickly folding his letter, Rindou slipped the paper back into the envelope. He folded the envelope further, bending it in half so it slipped neatly in his back pocket. Turning his gaze towards his older brother, Rindou tried to keep a straight face as he stated “Next.”
“Well, I almost don’t want to read it out loud now if Izana loved me.”
Flipping open a small pocket knife, Ran cut through the tape at the back of his letter, opening it with ease. Pressing the knife closed against the bottom of his shoe, Ran slipped it back into his pocket before pulling out his letter.
Shaking out the letter with a flick of his wrist, Ran almost let go of the second sheet of paper in his envelope, barely grabbing it before the wind pulled it out of his grasp into the water. Ran’s chest heaved as he clasped the papers against it, eyes wide as the others looked at him.
“Why’d he write you so much?” Shion questioned as Ran tried to right himself, organizing the papers in his hold.
“He didn’t even write that much, see?” Holding the papers out, Ran showed off the two pages. “Now let’s see what Izana has to confess to me…”
- - - - -
Ran,
This first page is just to let you know that I considered just leaving an empty envelope for you, because your disappointment would be hilarious.
But the point of these letters wasn't to be cruel. I just wanted to let you know that I thought about it.
Izana
- - - - -
“What an asshole,” Ran scoffed as he placed the first page behind the second.
“That’s our Izana…”
- - - - -
Ran,
Don’t let it go to your head that I’m writing to you first. I just found that when I started thinking about doing this, it was easiest to start with you. I already knew what I wanted to say before I even pulled out the paper.
We’re only friends because you’re smart. You know who you should give your respect to, and you know who to trust. You never formed your own gang, because you knew you weren’t a leader. But you knew who to follow.
Thank you for that.
Thank you for questioning me and challenging me, even if you eventually stepped back and let me do what I wanted to. No one else had the balls to do that.
And I respect you for that.
Keep them safe.
Izana
2/1/2006
- - - - -
With a deep breath through his nose, Ran closed his letter. Looking around at his friends, he nodded once.
“What an asshole…”
“That’s our asshole though,” Mochi agreed, as he tore open his envelope. Like Rindou, he read through his letter once before looking up at those surrounding him. “Swore I wasn’t gonna cry, but this jerk just might make me do it.”
- - - - -
Mochi,
I don’t think we’ve ever had a full conversation just the two of us. I think I regret that now.
I have no hard feelings towards you. You’ve always been a dedicated, loyal friend. You were always there when I needed you. Sometimes, you were the only one. I don’t know what I did to deserve that level of devotion from you. I wish I did.
It would be easy to reduce you to just your physical strength, and the things you’ve accomplished with your fists. But you are the heart of our group, and I know the others feel the same.
I thought that this was going to be harder to write. Thanks for making the difficult things simple.
Izana
2/11/2006
- - - - -
“Sure is presumptuous of Izana that we all like each other.” Ran grinned, shrugging his shoulders as another gust of wind that may as well have represented the vengeful ghost of Izana threatened to blow his letter from his grasp again. Tightly gripping the paper in his hand, Ran finally shoved the letter into his pocket. “But he’s right. Mochi keeps us sane, I guess.”
“Fuck you, too, Ran.” Rubbing at his eyes, Mochi pushed away the tears that were threatening his eyes. “Man, I love you guys. Don’t say it enough, or ever, but whatever.”
Leaning over to grab Mochi’s arm, Shion let out a loud sob that had been threatening to spill over since he finished reading his own letter. “I love you guys, too!”
Mochi shrugged Shion off, placing him back on his own crate to wipe at his nose in solitude. “So, what's next? Kakucho?”
Kakucho shook his head, clearing it of the haze that had settled over him while listening to the others. “I already read mine. Left it at home.”
“That’s so lame, I wanted to hear it. Bet it was a love letter.”
“ Shut up, Shion. What about Mucho’s?”
Kakucho shrugged, holding the letter on his lap, Mucho’s name staring up at him. “Kind of feels weird to read it without him.”
“I’m sure he’ll get to read it one day. Izana never said we couldn’t read it without him.”
“True…”
Kakucho turned the envelope over, and peeled away the tape. Unfolding the letter and turning it over revealed black out lines, similar to the ones on the pages found in the trash.
Kakucho wondered what it was Izana was trying to say.
- - - - -
Yasuhiro,
My second oldest friend. You were there through the worst moments of my life. You supported me when I didn’t deserve it. If there’s a true founder for the S62 generation, it is you, because no one else would have trusted me if it wasn’t for your words.
This is my third time trying to write this. I have so many things I want to tell you because you’ve been here the longest, besides Kakucho. So hopefully, by the end of this week, I won’t need to say them, and this letter will never find your hands.
You deserve more. I’m sorry for making you choose.
I’m sorry.
Be careful who you trust. Silent guys like your little friend from Toman are the most dangerous. He gives me a bad feeling when he looks at you.
Make sure Kakucho eats his vegetables.
Izana
2/20/2006
- - - - -
Placing the letter back into the envelope, Kakucho slid the letter into his coat pocket beside his own. The group had grown quiet, the wet slap of the waves hitting the side of the pier and the screech of sea birds the only punctuation to the silence. None of them looked at each other, eyes averted to their hands, or the ground, or the sky.
“I miss Izana.” Breaking the silence with the thought that was on everybody’s mind, Shion sniffed, rubbing at his nose one last time before hopping off his crate. “Let’s go, we never got to have a wake for him since we were all locked up. So lets go get fucked up, in Izana’s honor.”
“I don’t think that’s exactly what happens at a wake, you idiot.” Ran followed, dusting off the back of his pants as he stood.
“You think Izana would want a typical wake? Fuck that, we’re doing this Black Dragon Style.”
“What the hell does that even mean?” Rindou shook out his legs, needing a minute after sitting on them for so long. Mochi was the last of the original four to stand, and the group made their way towards the exit of the pier.
Mochi looked back over his shoulder, calling to Kakucho who was still staring out at the water.
“Coming, Kakucho?”
“Yeah, just give me a minute.”
“Okay… we won’t leave without you. Take your time.”
Kakucho nodded and smiled, waving Mochi off with his hand. He smiled, face tight with the fakeness of the expression, until Mochi’s back disappeared behind the shipping container that blocked them off from the rest of the dock.
When he was sure that the others were gone and not coming back for him, Kakucho pulled the last sealed envelope out of his pocket.
Kakucho #2 stared back at him, and he almost shoved the letter back in his pocket.
But he knew he’d never read it if he did not do it now.
With far less care and patience than he had shown the two previous envelopes he had opened, Kakucho stuck his finger under the flap and pulled up, ripping the envelope while preserving the paper inside. The same lined notebook paper was stuffed inside.
Izana’s hand seemed to have been shaking when he wrote this, Kakucho thought. His handwriting was messier, less certain, than in the other letters he had seen.
At least that was something they had in common.
- - - - -
Kakucho,
You always used to get so jealous when I used to write letters to my brother, because I never wrote one for you. So I guess, better late than never. Hope you’re grateful.
Sitting down and writing this was harder than any of the others. Almost couldn’t do it. So I guess you’re lucky you got one at all.
I feel like you are the person who deserves this letter the most, but you’re also the person I need to apologize to the most.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better brother to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better friend. I’m sorry for dying so soon. That’s the last thing I wanted to do.
Don’t cut out the others when I’m gone. They’ll be good friends to you. Better than me. Maybe you’ll thank me for them some day. But thank you for being my best friend, even if I didn’t deserve to be friends with someone like you.
As I’m writing this, I just keep thinking about all the things I wish I had the time to reminisce over with you. The games we used to play. The things we used to talk about during those weeks where we actually got to stay in the same dorm. But you probably remember them all better than I do, so there’s no point in writing them down. I just wish I hadn’t spent so much of my time with you being angry at everything.
I don’t really want to die, Kakucho. I really hope I get to burn this letter. I hope you never see it. But why do I feel like you will? I feel like an idiot for admitting that I’m afraid.
If we both make it out, let’s go get ice cream at the place near our old school again, okay?
Don’t follow me too soon.
Love,
Izana
2/21/2006