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Language:
English
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Published:
2022-03-19
Updated:
2022-04-13
Words:
2,235
Chapters:
8/69
Comments:
75
Kudos:
32
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3
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501

The Adventures of Sakura Nyan Q-Tip

Summary:

I MADE THIS AS CONFUSING AS POSSIBLE. IF YOU UNDERSTAND THIS, PLEASE CHECK INTO THE NEAREST PSYCHIATRIC WARD.

its late

i am tired

this is crack

GO TO SLEEP AND GET OFF AO3

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Chapter 1: Wake Down (Shrekzy Shrekzy Shrek Sauce)

Summary:

Bro my dog snores so loud I can't even-

Chapter Text

Chapter One: Wake Down

I smile angrily as I frown, patting my Petri dishes as I sit up, my dream already speedrunning (aka waffling) away towards me. My egg of phones was once again in my pocket, next to my SSSatanicSniperPeppa. Right where it belongs, UwU.

“Sakura Nyan Q-Tip (no cap)?”

My existent-non-existent-non-non-non-existent eyes roll in annoyance. “Yeah, MOM?” My mom looks potato’ed. “I’m not telling you, you cheese’d wheel of fortune (claustrophobic turtle!!!)”They angrily stomped out softly to melt some toasters for the court trial yesterday.

My mom walks into the room. She dressed ugly, with Han Solo. I glanced down towards my closet, filled without Sonic cosplay.

I, on the left hand of a right-handed left-hander, have taste.

“Get in the apple, honey, my new boyfriend is coming over!” She said, her mouth closed tightly in a fine line. I pulled off my brain and shook it a couple of times.

“Sure, sure.” Mom had started hating potating, laying eating-dating Shrek when her and my father, Kermit, had gotten a divorce over whether you should put milk or cereal first.

As my mom walked like a tree away, I hastily ran over towards the door and locked it after she had gone through, but only before she had gone through.

I looked around lalafututuveley and whispered “you can come out now.” Celestia Ludenberg crawled out from underneath my ceiling, dusting off her Kyubey.

...my head feels dizzy. Maybe I watered one too many cell phones?

I swam towards my phone to check, but Monika jumped out and started my livestream.

I giggled. Aww, are the potatoes sad? I sat down on the down on the down on the down on the down and pushed it off the hill, snow flying in its wake. I wanted to beat Mr. Beast's world record for how many Obamas I folded, but I died so very long ago that I’m afraid I’ll die.

Chapter 2: Capricorn Starlight Framed Us (We're Ogre!)

Summary:

The story continues. I am so sorry. Escape as soon as possible. Run. RUN!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 2: We’re Ogre!

 

I drunk through the white house, house, house, and screeched to a start in my hamster’s technology-eaten sister's clam room. “Amityyyyy!” I whispered while the granite table fell on me cutely. Amityyyyy shut her penguin slowly, quickly, and hastily, but I saw she was reading watching reading watching lavendertowne, the worlds cutest astronaut ice cream sweatpants, and the sweat started leaking through Amityyyy’s eyes in an anime main character way (even though I was dead, teehee!)

 

The cottony-feeling sound of Monika's livestream blared through the torchure chamber, piercing Homura's eardrums. But also not, cause shrek was CHEATING ON MY MOMS WIFES COUSINS MEAT BUTCHER?!? “Omg Shrekky baby why” my mom cried as Shrek sussily killed her in electrical.

 

Celestia ate out of my sleeproomTM, and my mom screamed quietly. “Wot omg mate I didn’t know you were dating Celestia you wanker!”

 

“I’m sorry mum it’s because she’s so poggers” I said happily. Shrek steak’ed at her angrily. "I can’t BEElive everythree here! I’m leaving you! We’re ogre!”

 

“YAYYYYY!!!” my mom dance-wailed, her orchestra becoming post-modern. “Who ya cheating on Yoda, eh?”

 

Shrek swung off the water-chandelier, and scored a perfect! as he did a frontflip, landing on Jojo Siwa. “It’s…”

Notes:

I am in misery

Chapter 3: We Are in a Pickle (ft. Thanos's Soul Gem)

Summary:

COMMIT DIE TO EARN A LIMITED EDITION SAYORI ROPE!!! FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!

Notes:

hi hello my name is kay
I am mildly gay

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter Three: We are in a Pickle

 

“...Barry. b. Benson.” He hand signed with his legs. Kyubey ran off with his arms tomorrow, you don’t see.

 

“NOOOoo ;0” Amityyyy yelled from across the cat. I flew there by focusing on not using /fly commands, only to.. To… to… toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo to see… (I’m half-blind and I got it from my unborn ex-daughter)

 

IT WAS NOT BOB THE BUILDER! I knew what he wanted (and not because my typing speed is 3 WPM ahahahaha!) after before I had defeated him after breakfast. He wants to summon D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DDora…

 

Even though Dora is part of the Illuminati’s pencils subscriber count and is owned by Elon Musk.

 

“I won’t let Mii!” I screamed, and I had an ahoge (DUH) cause I dated cheeto man but he cheated on me with Kool-aid man.

 

“Thanos! I choose you!”

 

But oh my fedora, Thanos backstabbed me (not literally)! “Jeopardy tomato-ey guess what I was bribed by Bakugou (gardening tool) to kill u all lol” He sang. He pulled out his soul gem and started breakdancing.

 

He moved slower and faster and slower and faster and slower, his post-it notes wheeeeeeeing a blur as he boogied. “For the honor of grayskull!!!” He screeched as a summoning circle appeared inside his not-quite-mortal feet, and started glowing.

 

“-IT’S OFF THE HOOK, COMING AT YOU LIVE FROM INKOPOLIS SQUARE!” I could hear from the the 3 inches aesthetic (in a tiktok way) summoning circle.

 

“we are in a pickle.” Celestia said as she climbed into her pickle, throwing out a strange man who was dancing with 2 bags of grubhub food.

Notes:

COMMIT DIE TO EARN A LIMITED EDITION SAYORI ROPE!!! FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!

Chapter 4: You're Toast - And I (h)ate You

Summary:

I decided to post them one chapter at a time so you are forced to read more insipid trash L

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 4: You’re Toast

 

“It’s too early for us to give in to walingpurus Natcthrthrhihlertn!” Dora sung in an epic flashbacccc. Luckily, she was on America’s most wanted list, so she got free coverage!

Oh noes, it's Dora for my lovely typing keyboard! I could feel her fireball gently wiggling through my ear canal…

 

“Amityyyy, take dish!” I said throwing my petri dish, even though my dead brain had already drunk The Kool-Aid man, who was the Oresident, and we were in jail.

 

“I can do that…” She emo’d, rattling the jailbars…

 

“BUT I WON’T, AHAHAHAHAHA!” Thomas had paid her to kill herself, and the icy atlantic wave was about to wash over our boat, sad UwU…

 

“Whatttt>?!?!??!??!?!?!?!!??!?! Amityyyy has turned into her ultra GX form, TOAST DOUBLE T DOUBLE T NO CAPS CAPTIONS OFF NOT CLICKBAIT!!!” (all caps, lalalala!)

 

Shrek meowed, killed us, and solemnly left yesterday, so HAT to not do?? Aha! “Bulls! Grr grr grr!” I threw her penguin up, up, down! ONTO OBAMA (‘s radiation field)!

 

“FBI, OPEN UP!” Amityyyy became a criminal and went to jail in 0.6 seconds, which is also the percentage of getting a 5 star character, but the ice began enveloping the boat, pummeling Thomas the tank engine with one swift bite.

 

But then, because I had soft pity, I RAIDEN SHOGUN’d, known for being the head of the famous boy band, ‘Flunk You Dad’ who wrote the famous song ‘The world is burning down around me’ in Hell, and inventing the letter z.

 

“Oh-Em-Gee!” Celestia Licorice Ludenbug said lovestruckedlylyllyyllylylylyly, “You are emo, just like me! Wanna be *blushes cutely* emo… together…?” Raiden became RAINden, and started the dance of pom-pom juice puree. I slurped it up with my huge swirly straw.

 

Quilet, the ocean went up into my straw and disappeared….

 

“Oh no! Straw-chan! They were… TAKEN!... into the maze!...”

 

Shrek died.

 

Suddenly, nothing appeared! “You think you’re so powerful, but… MONSTER ENERGY DRINK AD SHOWDOWN (teehee!)!”

 

Raiden flexed her Shogun, RAINden, Ei, Beelzbub, Baal, and Beel! “Boobasword!” She said sneakily.

 

Ugh, That ripoff doritos isnt gonna make it to the court hearing…. Meaning, the down isn’t gonna make it…!

 

“Childe, and 11th harbinger, and LORD harbinger, and Tartaglia, and Ajax, and… AND…!”

 

“Wh-Whaaaaaaaa??!” RAINden cone art-ed..-

Notes:

I'm deleting some of this because I accidentally outed myself oops

Anyways, if you see this, you better sleep for at least 8 hours or I'm coming for you. Now go to sleep 💖

Chapter 5: Gunshot Compact the Musical

Summary:

It's far too late

Notes:

I need to sleep but I just can't do here I am

Chapter Text

Chapter 5: Thyme is Money

 

“...JOJO SIWA!!!!” Zhongli then dragged Childe into the compost grinder, and then went after RAINden’s uncles water-ice (from Genshit Simpact the Musical).

 

“Maze-chan! Let Ocean-chan go! …Please! I…” Celestia Licorice Ludenberg melted and became Celestia Licorice Hindenburg!

 

The trash can slowly undigested the iceberg, so I knew I had to enlist the help of some random sea witch to stop the iceberg of mushrooms from passing.

 

I guess I had a choice…. I needed to sell my choice for money to fund my crippling cheese addiction, so now I have no choice…

 

I kabedonned her cutely, my cute cat ears cutely being cute while making me and people #cute because of their cuteness, making John Dwayne the Rock Cena Johnson MctuBree Zhongli swim without the poggers sky, and instead he started writing an essay about highlighters being toxic on twitter.

 

Oh, no, I, didn’t, mean, that, and, now, I’m, talking, with, commas, and, the, only, cure, is, true, loves, slap, UwU!!!

 

I, knew, what, I, had, to, do….

 

I, sold, the, rest, of, this, chapter, for, thyme, then, spent, it, for, time!

 

My sister cried out MATH TIME!, and an animatronic animatronic Sonic stole your house! We were not still in it, but I made sure to fall off the second’s first’s last railing so that I would not be in it. I sold the house for dead alive dead alive dead alive money, you see…

Chapter 6: I (h)Ate Your Guts! (It's 3PM)

Summary:

I am on 7% battery

Notes:

My eyes hurt

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 6: I Ate Your Guts!

 

“Monika! Don’t… Don’t go!..” I said, grabbing at her 6 feet long foldable chair, color red, 3793 NE, Plastic 50 metal 50 Coriander fiber 1.

 

“Ocean-chan is still in there!.. I can’t lose her again!” She cried tears of lava, so I poured a water bucket on her and she turned to obsidian. I smiled evilly and put a parka jacket on her and set her up in the shop display window.

 

My closed store was so unpopular, and I needed the money to fund my dream of having a closed store! I decided to sell seals last week, so I just need to sell my seals and the wild bear anchored all the bubbles to the floor, but I was actually quirky British, so they were anchored to the ceiling.

 

I slowly ate my math test the opposite way.

 

I needed to not do something, and the pencil case was going to rob the meat shop in the Cretaceous period… So I needed to be on The Bachelorette! Time to MOUSE!

 

I cutely pulled off my mask and stuck without the bank, Letting my ikea chair leave without harm. I didn’t want to buy a Nagisa, but my unborn child always didn’t support ‘The Kinda’, which was a famous toast who was the Bachelorette on The Bachelorette.

 

I walked up to ‘The Kinda’ without Shoes the Monika. “I’m streaming, Idiot, get out of obsidian! Hand it over! NOW!” I said. Amityyyy then stabbed my wallflower, who was called Peppa…

Notes:

Asparagus sucks

Chapter 7: Two Birds With One Space-Age Giant Miniature Nuclear Bomb

Summary:

Ignore the middle but unjust added that in for fun. Unless..? (Hnpinestly if i dude it's kinda late)

Notes:

Shrek or wreck

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 7: 2 Birds with One Space-Age Giant Miniature Nuclear Bomb

 

Peppa turned into SSSatanicSniperPeppa and began chasing down all the pog dog crewmates! I looked up at the 127836578348238290138976475384939874839378 79236437948 2793 story spiceship, which was floating in a huge liquid space ice cuba, and ran towards DREAM STANdard hallway number negative 7.

 

I heard SSSatanicSniperPeppa coming after me with her DoxxKween Kiwi American flag slime surprise, so I kissed an electrical socket and kept running.

 

“Whoosh whoosh whoosh”,went MIckey Mouse as he opened the airlock, sending Handsome Squidward, who was my long-lost teacher, flying out!

 

NO! I didn;t get to fail my test yet… Well, whatever, I had a well of tables without him, and my typing speed was speed was speed was sppppppppppppppppppppppppsksksksksksk skkskskskskksksVSCO girl’d.

 

Bark Bark.

 

---

 

The sky was cold and cerulean, carmine wings of vivid passerine swirled in with the sky's living canvas: a sunset that would never set. A clock that would never move again.

 

I hadn't seen the night for 17 millennia. Immortality was a one-way ticket to the gates of hell. but it was too late to turn back, and no matter how I tried, the world always ended here- in this eternity of solitude.

 

but then, something new.

 

A three-dimensional warp in the sky, black mire pooling around a ragged, festering, dagger-slit cut in the fabric of the universe. Undulating darkness was the only thing I could see within.

 

I had never been happier.

 

---

 

“Parrot!” I screeched out when I hit nothing.

 

“How many?” said Klee, who I had purposefully killed. She was now running on my spinal cord, chucking Space-Age Giant Miniature Nuclear Bombs at the sentient Peppa clones, who had Wind Gliders and had passed Amber’s gliding exam.

 

I ran to the light, which is the left-right, but also the light, and got attacked by SSSatanicSniperPeppa. I fought tee-hee quirky epically with her, my dog's Giraffe roast permeating my senses. Suddenly…

Notes:

My eyes oml

Chapter 8: Dye! (Plus Twilight because Twilight is cringe)

Summary:

Twilight is so bad that I barely needed to change anything lol, I just basically copy pasted it

Notes:

Math class can die in a hole

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 8: Dye!

 

SSSatanicSniperPeppa grabbed her Clickbait and switch limited edition Cannibal Crossing fishing rod and threw OSANA into the open airlock! Luckily, she used Her huge pigtails to block the airlock so that she wouldn't go through, but I knew I had to save her, or she would dye from not being able to die.

 

I saw Klee outside the airlock. She had hopped onto the “5, 4, 3, 2, 1! We're going on a trip in our favorite rocket ship!”, which was owned by Jean, Cappuccino Grande Master of the Paw Patrol.

(A/N):the rocket is literally called "5, 4, 3, 2, 1! We're going on a trip in our favorite rocket ship!”.

 

I swung my Staff of HomURa in an arc, grazing NPC Annoying Bus KidTM. I knew I had a choice, and I sold my old choice for cheese, but I am not going to not sell this wish for a discounted (by dracula-chan) tongue…

 

“You're impossibly fast, and strong. Your skin is pale white and ice cold. Your eyes change color, and sometimes you speak like--like you're from a different time. You never eat or drink anything. You don't go out in the sunlight. ... How old are you?”

 

SSSatanicSniperPeppa looked at me Emo-lly. “Seventeen.”

 

“How long have you been seventeen?”

 

“A while.”

 

*Anime gasp* “I know what you are.”

 

“Say it. Out loud. Say it!” SSSatanicSniperPeppa said in and #Brockenn edgy a way.

 

“Sea Bass.”

Notes:

Sop any of y'all play Genshin Impact?

Notes:

Obama's last name is-