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“I swear this has never happened before,” Johnny said as he covered his reddening face with his hands so he wouldn’t have to see Daniel’s expression. He heard a chuckle, but he didn’t think there was anything funny in this situation. It only made his shame increase.
“That’s what you said the last time.” Daniel’s tone was light and amused, as if he wasn’t worried about Johnny’s ongoing performance issues.
Daniel shifted beside him, upsetting the blanket and jostling Johnny’s arm. There wasn’t much room on this little bed. Johnny felt a hand patting his stomach as Daniel tried to comfort him. “Don’t worry about it. At our age it sometimes takes a little longer to get the engine going.”
The hand moved lower.
“I’m a pretty good mechanic,” he teased, “Let’s see if I can rev you up.”
Johnny doubted anything was going to rev him right now. This wasn’t the first, and it wouldn’t be the last time he stalled out on sex. At least now he had an excuse. Carmen and Daniel both blamed age. They were cool about it, not holding it against him or anything. They didn’t think any less of him, didn’t think he wasn’t man enough because he wasn’t always in the mood. It was a relief to be allowed to say no now and again, but he hated feeling like he was a disappointing lay.
Had that been why he and Carmen fizzled out? Everyone said that sex was so important in relationships. Some of his girlfriends had taken it very personally when Johnny couldn’t always get it up during foreplay. They wondered why it was a problem, or worse they wondered if they were the problem. They worried they weren’t sexually attractive enough or that they were doing something wrong. Johnny tried to convince them that he was just too drunk or too tired, but all that did was make him sound like a shitty boyfriend. Naturally his girlfriends turned the blame on him and kicked him out. They decided they couldn’t be with a man who wasn’t passionate for them, who didn’t want to rip their clothes off and throw them on the bed like the hero in some cheap romance novel. Romance novels set Johnny up for failure. They were overly sentimental and the smut gave women unrealistic expectations about how amazing sex was.
So Johnny got used to being dumped. Obviously he didn’t know how to love people enough. Good sex is what you got when you really loved someone.
After his break up with Shannon, Johnny decided to quit relationships. They were too much work and he was already very tired. He barely had the energy to get himself out of bed, let alone get someone else into it. He would have loved having someone there with him while he slept, but he didn’t want to deal with all the stuff that came before sleeping.
Daniel was kissing Johnny’s chest with little, barely there butterfly kisses which made Johnny’s skin tingle. He was working his way down while his hands stroked the insides of Johnny’s thighs. There was a blow job in Johnny’s immediate future. He should have been excited because Daniel gave some of the better blowjobs Johnny had known, but the anticipation just wasn’t there.
“Wait,” he sighed. “Stop. I don’t...”
Johnny trailed off as Daniel raised his head and looked at him. The sentence went unfinished as anxiety hit Johnny’s chest and trapped his words inside. What did he mean to say? That he didn’t like it? No. It was fine. Blowjobs with Daniel were fine. Sex with Daniel was fine. And Daniel was so happy and attentive and generous in bed.
But...
But.
Johnny pushed the thought away. There was no “but”. There was nothing wrong. He and Daniel liked each other. They wanted to be together. Sex was part of that. In his experience, when the sex went sour the relationship went sour. He didn’t want this relationship to end. He didn’t want Daniel to think that he didn’t want him.
“What’s wrong?” Daniel asked, but there was nothing accusatory in the question. He was used to Johnny being quiet in bed. He didn’t mind the lack of ravishing passion. Maybe he just thought they were too old for that.
Johnny sat up. Daniel did too, kneeling between Johnny’s legs and running his thumbs over Johnny’s kneecaps in a soothing manner.
“Nothing,” Johnny lied. “I just don’t think I’m going to get it up tonight. But that doesn’t mean I can’t help you get there.”
He put on his most charming smile, the one that made everyone think he was cute and funny and confident. It was easy to grab Daniel and flip him over; to kiss him on the lips and to slide his hands all over his lover’s body. Daniel laughed as they play wrestled and Johnny felt a surge of relief. Yes, it was easy to flip things around; to take the focus off of his own problems by giving people something else to think about. Johnny was good at distraction.
He felt Daniel’s hard on against his stomach as they jostled against each other. He wasn’t sure he was in the mental space to give a blowjob at the moment, but hand jobs did the job just as well. Daniel sat up and put his arms around Johnny’s neck as Johnny warmed up some lube on his hand and then got to work. He didn’t bother looking down at what his hand was doing, but instead watched Daniel’s face. He liked to watch. Daniel was pretty and he made erotic expressions that Johnny sometimes liked to think about later.
Afterward Johnny cleaned them both up with a warm washcloth and turned out the light. He put on a pair of boxers before sliding under the blanket. Daniel shook his head and chuckled about Johnny being “shy.” Johnny smiled and shrugged. It was better than admitting that he didn’t want to wake to the possibility of Daniel’s morning wood against his bare thigh. That sounded too much like a rejection.
Daniel gave him a sleepy smile and held him close, one arm slung over his chest, head resting against his shoulder. This was the best part. This was the kind of sleeping together that Johnny liked. He turned his head so he could press a kiss to Daniel’s temple. This was good. Everything was fine.
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Johnny had never dated a guy before. He’d thought himself perfectly straight until suddenly he realized that he’d always wanted Daniel LaRusso. He thought Daniel was cute and he’d always wanted his attention, but for a long time he didn’t know what kind of attention he wanted. Then things fizzled out with Carmen and Daniel and Amanda split and somehow Johnny found himself at Miyagi-Do drinking beer and sparring with his longtime karate nemesis. It was fun. Daniel turned out to be cooler than he looked. He knew about cars and he liked old action movies. Then one day Johnny kissed him and Daniel kissed back.
It turned out that sex with a man wasn’t better or worse than sex with a woman. There were different body parts obviously, but there were still lots of fluids that required clean-up afterward and the act itself didn’t inspire any strong feelings in him. He had hoped sex with Daniel would inspire those intense, euphoric feelings that songs and movies talked about. But it didn’t, and it wasn’t because they were doing it wrong. They’d done it multiple ways and positions. Daniel had dated a guy before so he knew what to do and how to do it.
Johnny figured he had a lot of sexual experience now, so he must be a pretty good resource when it came to sexual matters. That’s why when Miguel awkwardly came to him with questions Johnny was more than happy to help. Young people were always so eager. They thought they had to go all out, not realizing that the first time they had sex wasn’t going to be the greatest thing they’d ever experienced. Miguel was trying to figure out what to do with Sam before they both moved off to college and shifted to a long distance relationship. He’d come to Johnny for advice because Johnny had totally nailed it with that first date suggestion. Obviously he could steer Miguel away from any lame first time faux pas.
Miguel was going on about dinners and maybe a fancy hotel room. He was putting way too much thought into this in Johnny’s opinion.
“You don’t need to do anything special,” Johnny assured him. “Sex is just a thing you do as part of a relationship. It’s gonna happen eventually, so don’t worry so much about it.”
“Yeah, but the first time, shouldn’t it be meaningful? Especially when it’s with someone you really like?” Miguel looked disappointed. He sighed. “Maybe you’re not the right person to talk to about this.”
“What? No. I mean, yes! Yes, I am. I’ve had enough sex over the years. I can totally offer advice. Ask away.” Johnny tried to look really encouraging. He wanted Miguel to be able to talk to him about anything. He wanted to share that kind of bond. Johnny hadn’t had a dad who could do the “sex talk” with him, so he’d had to pick things up from friends and movies and magazines. He wanted to spare Miguel the same confusion.
“Look, it’s okay if the first time sucks,” Johnny said. “Don’t waste your money on a fancy dinner and hotel room for something that’s not going to live up to expectations.”
“Sensei, that’s why I’m asking you about this; so the first time doesn’t suck,” he held up his hands palm up, “and I don’t need specific examples. I just want general advice on how to not mess up.”
“Okay, but I don’t know if you can skip that part,” Johnny shook his head. “The important thing is that you do it together. Right?”
“I guess,” Miguel said dubiously. “But how can it suck when you already feel so connected to someone? Wouldn’t sex just feel even more intimate?”
“Nah. People who barely know each other have sex all the time,” Johnny shrugged.
“But it’s different with someone you care about.” Miguel looked so hopeful. Johnny felt bad about letting him down.
“Not really,” he grimaced. “It’s still the same body parts doing the same thing.”
“Come on, Sensei. It must feel different. More intense, maybe. Because there’s that emotional connection and...that desire, the fluttery hot feeling you get, and you just need to touch, ...”
Miguel cocked his head and squinted at Johnny.
“You haven’t felt that way?” Miguel asked slowly.
“Look, it’s simple,” Johnny stated. This kid was all mixed up. Johnny would have to lay it out for him. “You see someone and think they’re hot, right? So you talk to them and they’re pretty cool. So you start hanging out, go on some dates. You really like them, so you kiss them to let them know that. And you have sex when the girl gives the green light. Use a condom and go slow at first. People say it’s this really big deal, but it’s not. Don’t be disappointed, okay?”
It was best to let Miguel down gently. TV and movies made sex seem like this mind blowing experience, but they were lying. Johnny had gone without sex for years and he hadn’t missed it at all.
He probably shouldn’t mention that. Miguel was still looking at him funny.
“Sensei, I don’t know if we’re talking about the same thing.”
“We’re talking about sex.”
“Yeah, but that’s so casual. That’s not how I feel about Sam. Yes, I like spending time with her, but it’s more than that. I think about her all the time. And I Imagine what it will be like when we finally... you know. But not in a creepy way. More like, in an excited way. Because I want to be that close to her.”
Miguel was blushing and not looking at Johnny anymore. Johnny started to wonder if he was the appropriate person for this conversation, after all.
“Uh...” Johnny thought about Daniel a lot, but it was mostly PG rated. Was he missing something? Were Miguel’s sexual fantasies a red flag or were they normal for a teenage boy? Why had Johnny never felt like that about someone? Was his inner sex-life actually as dry as a tee-totalling maiden aunt from the Victorian era? Shit. He had enough to be ashamed of in his life. He didn’t want to add being a sexual dud to the list. It was okay for chicks to have a low sex drive, but for a guy it was a sign of failure.
“Sensei?” Miguel prompted when Johnny stayed quiet for too long.
“You know, maybe you should talk to your mom about this,” Johnny said as if he’d just come up with a great idea. “She’s a chick. She’ll be able to tell you about the other side of things. Then you’ll know exactly what Sam wants.”
“I don’t want to talk to my mom about this,” Miguel shifted uncomfortably. “I was hoping for some advice man to man.”
Johnny ran a hand through his hair. “Look, when I said sex is just a thing you do, I meant that it’s not as special as everyone makes it out to be. Like, you can wait if you want, or you and Sam don’t even have to do it if you don’t want to.”
“But I want to. I really do. And I think Sam does too,” Miguel insisted. “Come on, Sensei? You didn’t feel that pull toward your girlfriends. Or Mr. LaRusso?”
“Not for sex,” Johnny said.
“Huh.” Miguel was wearing his thoughtful face. He looked Johnny up and down as if studying him. Johnny realized that he might have just admitted something that should have stayed a secret.
“You just recently realized you were bisexual, right?” Miguel asked. It felt like the roles had flipped; like Johnny was about to get the sex talk now. He swallowed, but nodded.
“That’s what LaRusso calls it.”
“That’s what everyone calls it,” Miguel said in that gentle way he tried to explain things to Johnny. “But have you thought that maybe you’re somewhere on the asexual spectrum as well?”
“Isn’t everyone on the sexual spectrum?”
“No, it’s all one word, see? Asexual. It broadly means a person who doesn’t feel sexual attraction to others.”
“Oh, come on, Diaz,” Johnny scoffed. The things kids thought up these days were crazy. “I’m not some virgin. I’ve had lots of sex with people and they were all attractive.”
“Sexually attractive?” Miguel said it like it was something significant. “Why did you like those people? How could you tell they were attractive?”
“Because they were hot.” Johnny didn’t know how else to explain it.
“But it’s a visual thing for you? You think people are visually attractive, more than sexually.”
“It’s the same thing,” Johnny argued. “Attractive is attractive.”
“Not really.”
“Look, if I was this asexual shit, then I wouldn’t be having sex at all, would I? I probably wouldn’t even like it.”
“That’s why it’s a spectrum. It’s different for different people. Moon knows more about it. She’s part of the LGBTQ group at school. I could ask her for some resources on the subject.”
“Okay, enough,” Johnny growled to bring the conversation to an end. Because, seriously, this was not helpful. And he wasn’t about to take advice from some hippie, peace-love-and-rainbows teenage girl about sex. That would be weird and creepy. And anyway, Johnny didn’t need study guides. He wasn’t a nerd. Sex was sex and it was fine. It had always been fine.
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It wasn’t fine.
Johnny had done some internet research like a total nerd. Miguel hadn’t been making up this asexual thing. It was real and people were talking about it on the internet. Some of what they said resonated with Johnny and some of it didn’t.
A spectrum, Miguel had said. And Johnny might be on it. And there wasn’t really a way to get off of it. So... he might as well accept it. It certainly explained a few things.
There was something in him that had always resisted the way other people talked about sex. Sometimes he was even resentful. Why did everyone else fit into the neat little box laid out for them? He was supposed to play this part of the guy all confident and taking charge, making all the right moves until the girl said yes. He’d learned the choreography, but it was annoying. Why couldn’t he just hang out with girls and have fun? He liked people and wanted them to like him in return. Of course he liked hot babes, but he never went after them just for sex. He went after them because... because.... that’s what he was supposed to do? Because a guy with a hot babe was cool. That sounded bad. Why had Johnny believed that for so many years?
Sometimes he looked into the box where everyone else seemed to be hanging out and wondered why he couldn’t just jump in there with them. He had always assumed he wasn’t lacking in sexuality. He knew people thought he was attractive. He must have inspired some sort of desire in his partners. And he was interested in sexy people. He could make great use of a Playboy centerfold and his own hand. He just didn’t understand why everyone else felt the need to constantly have sex with each other.
Johnny initiated kisses and play fights and couch cuddling, but never tried to take it further than that. He always let his partners decide whether to turn it into sex. Despite ribbing from his friends he’d never pressured Ali into anything more than a kiss. When Shannon put on her sexy lingerie he let her seduce him. When he and Carmen stumbled into bed he followed her lead and went as far as she wanted to go. Daniel probably didn’t even realize he was the one deciding when they went down on each other or when they fucked. Maybe when Johnny hugged him from behind while he was cooking, Daniel thought it meant Johnny was horny. And Johnny never really acknowledged the fact that he wasn’t horny. When things started to escalate his body usually responded. So it was fine. He wasn’t saying no. But now he wondered if he’d ever been actually feeling the yes.
Maybe it was true that there was something wrong with him. Maybe he was missing some vital sexual component that the rest of the human population took for granted. Maybe he was broken.
His past girlfriends had realized he wasn’t enough. He wasn’t man enough, or passionate enough, or romantic enough. He was never going to want them enough. He didn’t want to declare his undying love for someone in the pouring rain. Or spend all morning having sex in a Paris hotel while ordering room service. He didn’t want to propose on bended knee under the glow of fireworks on a warm night. That was all romance novel shit and Johnny would never be the hero of a romance novel.
He just wanted to hang out with Daniel and do all the fun things they enjoyed together; karate and watching action flicks and competing at mini-golf. He wanted to ask Daniel to teach him more about cooking. He enjoyed just being together. Sure, he wanted to touch and kiss and stealthily snuggle on the couch, but that seemed pretty tame compared to wine and roses and romance. And sex. Johnny had no mind-blowing sex to offer to anyone. What a shitty boyfriend he was. No wonder he was always getting dumped.
But fuck. He was going to have to break the news to Daniel now. Now that he’d realized he was some weird sexual anti-deviant, the kind who was so vanilla he didn’t even want to have sex with the person he kind of loved. Daniel, on the other hand, was a horny guy. If he wanted to get regularly laid, then he wasn’t going to get it from Johnny. It was only fair to come clean about this.
Impulse control wasn’t one of Johnny’s personality traits and that’s why he ended up in the showroom at LaRusso Auto on a Wednesday afternoon with sweaty palms and a tight feeling in his chest. Maybe he should have waited until the working day was over, but he needed to talk to Daniel now. Daniel wasn’t in immediate sight, so Johnny made a bee-line for the reception desk. Sheila smiled at him from behind her computer as he approached, but Amanda intercepted him first.
“Hey, Johnny,” she greeted with her usual warmth. He was lucky she liked him despite that he’d shacked up with her ex-husband soon after their split.
“Hey, Amanda,” Johnny stuck his hands in his pockets and tried to be casual. He didn’t think he was any different than he had been yesterday. He’d discovered something about himself, but that didn’t change him; it just put new words to what he’d been all along. Would other people feel that way? Or would they see him as someone else now?
“You okay?” Amanda asked when he hesitated too long. She hid the concern behind a sardonically raised eyebrow, giving him an out if he wanted to just brush it off. Normally he would deflect, but a wave of anxiety had him hunching down and tripping over his words.
“Yeah... uh... I just... um... is Daniel around?”
Amanda’s brow furrowed at his uncharacteristic awkwardness, but then she planted a perky smile on her face and put her hand on his shoulder to lead him towards the offices.
“He’s just out of a meeting,” she said. “Let’s see if he’s back in his office yet.”
For a moment Johnny hoped Daniel wouldn’t be in his office. Maybe this conversation wasn’t as important as he thought it was. Maybe they could just keep going with the status quo. Why rock the boat when you know you’re just going to fall overboard?
Daniel was in his office.
“Look who came for a visit,” Amanda said brightly as she gave Johnny a little push through the door.
“Johnny!” Daniel greeted with a smile. He was always happy to see Johnny.
Johnny’s heart was jack-rabbiting in his chest. This was the best relationship he’d had in a long time. Why was he about to mess it all up? He felt Amanda’s hand squeeze his shoulder before she stepped out, closing the door behind her.
The smile dropped off Daniel’s face as he regarded Johnny’s hunched posture. He stood and crossed the room.
“Hey, is something wrong?”
“I want you,” Johnny blurted out. “I swear I do. I really want to be with you.”
Daniel’s eyes widened. He didn’t look reassured by Johnny’s statement. He looked worried. “Okay. Normally I’d answer that with some sort of flirty innuendo, but you seem a bit freaked out by it. What’s wrong, Johnny?”
“I don’t... I mean, I do... but not like that... It’s not you. There’s something wrong with me.” Johnny ran his hands through his hair then pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. He was messing this all up. Daniel put his hand on his arm, pressing warmth through the sleeve of his hoodie in a nice, steady pressure.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay. Come here. Let’s sit down.” Daniel guided him to the couch and sat beside him, hand still rubbing at his shoulder. Johnny took a deep breath.
“I want to be in a relationship with you, but I don’t think I want to have sex with you.”
“Oh.” Daniel kept his hand where it was, but he sat back as he processed what Johnny had just said. His eyes stared over Johnny’s shoulder in the way they did when he was thinking through something.
“There’s something wrong with me,” Johnny said, because that was the conclusion Daniel was going to come to. Might as well admit it.
Daniel bit his lip and shook his head. He was still wearing his thoughtful expression, but he focused on Johnny again now. “Is there something wrong with the sex we’ve been having? Is there something I’ve done that—“
“No! No,” Johnny cut him off. He’d heard this too many times in the past. He didn’t want Daniel to get the wrong impression. “It’s not you. It’s me.”
“So you don’t want to have sex with me,” Daniel said slowly. “No sex at all? Or less frequently? Or do you want to do only certain things? Because we can talk about it beforehand if you’re not comfortable with—“
“At all,” Johnny interrupted. “No sex at all.”
“With me?” Daniel tilted his head and his mouth turned down into a frown. His shoulders stiffened. “Is it because I’m a man? I know I’m the first man you’ve dated, but I thought you were willing to try—”
“No! I told you. I want to be with you. I just... I think it’s been the same with everyone I’ve slept with.”
“Wait... so you’ve felt like this before? This not wanting sex thing?” Daniel’s eyes widened and his expression turned worried. “With everyone? Johnny, have you ever had sex because that’s what you wanted? Really wanted?”
Something tightened in Johnny’s chest. “I don’t know.”
Daniel let out a sigh and ran his hand over his face, posture slumping. He had come to some sort of conclusion. Johnny tried to stay calm because Daniel didn’t look angry yet. He looked Johnny in the eye and held his gaze. His hand returned to Johnny’s shoulder in a reassuring grip. “There’s no wrong answer here, okay. Just tell me the truth. On any given day, would you be more excited to spar or to have sex?”
Johnny licked his lips. This almost felt like a trick question. “I like sparring.”
“But you like karate better than sex?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you like watching movies better than having sex?”
Johnny shifted uncomfortably, like he was about to admit something shameful. “Kinda. Yeah.”
Daniel shook his head and smiled. He moved his hand from Johnny’s shoulder up to his face to cup his cheek in a gesture far too fond and gentle.
“I’m sorry,” Johnny said.
“For not wanting sex or for not telling me sooner that you didn’t want sex? Johnny, I’m the one who’s sorry. I never meant to pressure you. I just assumed you liked what we were doing.”
“I do! I like you!” Johnny took a deep breath and tried to even his tone. He wasn’t going to show fear. They could work through this calmly. “Look, I don’t want to end this. We can keep doing what he have been, just maybe, like, scale it back a bit.”
“You just said you don’t want sex at all.”
“It’s fine. I mean, you want it, right? But... um... maybe keep it to hand stuff for now, because I... um...”
“Oh my god,” Daniel rolled his eyes as he gave Johnny a little shake. “You’re allowed to not like things. I’m not upset about not having sex with you anymore. I’m upset that you didn’t feel comfortable telling me that you never wanted it in the first place. I should have noticed you weren’t into it.”
“I didn’t really know myself, so you couldn’t have figured it out.”
“But you were always so quiet. I thought maybe you just liked being directed or were still a little shy about having sex with a man, but now I feel like I forced you.”
“It’s not that I hate everything,” Johnny tried to explain. “I like seeing you enjoy it. And you got me off plenty of times. But, like, I don’t really care if you never get me off again. And honestly it doesn’t feel as important as having dinner with you or just hanging out on the couch. It’s like asparagus. I’ll eat it if you cook it for me, but I’m not gonna go out to get it myself.”
Daniel had to pause and think about that for a moment. “So sex is like asparagus. Not terrible, but not something you’d choose if you had options. Did I... did I make you feel like you didn’t have a choice?”
“No. I don’t think it was you. Sex is just this thing I thought I was supposed to do. It’s in all the movies and other guys are always going on about it. I mean, I kind of realized that other people are more enthusiastic about it than me, but I didn’t want to worry about that. I didn’t want to be some limp-dick loser.”
“You’re not a loser.” Daniel pulled him in for a half-hug, arm around his shoulders as he tilted Johnny toward him. So far he wasn’t taking it badly. He seemed to get it. He’d acknowledged his own bisexuality long before Johnny had, so maybe he’d already gone through a research and self-acknowledgement phase. Maybe he could relate to Johnny’s current combination of relief and confusion.
“I’m not going to lie,” Daniel sighed. “I like sex and I’m used to relationships with other people who like sex with each other. But I’m not going to let it be a dealbreaker. I like having dinner with you too. And watching crappy eighties movies and doing karate and keeping you out of bar fights or patching you up when you inevitably get into them anyway. There’s so much more to dating you than having sex with you.”
“You’re not going to break up with me?”
“No.”
Relief swept over Johnny in a rush and he slumped back against the couch. “Okay. Good.”
“How about we talk more about this tonight?” At Johnny’s grimace he punched his shoulder playfully. “I know you don’t like talking things through, but we’re not done. I need to know what’s okay and what’s not; like how far kissing and touching can go, where your boundaries are. Things like that.”
“Fine.”
“Maybe we should find a group we can join, too. This is new to us, but someone else might have suggestions on how we can navigate this type of relationship.”
“A group? What? Like AA? There’s support groups for people who don’t need sex?” That sounded really bad. Support groups were for people who needed help. Wasn’t this whole conversation about how it was okay that Johnny wasn’t interested in sex? He didn’t need help. Did he?
“No. I’m thinking we can find an LGBTQ group. Sometimes there’s an A at the end that stands for Asexual. That’s you, I think.” Daniel shrugged. “We don’t have to go if it makes you uncomfortable. But it might be a way to meet people who feel the same as you. So you don’t feel alone.”
“I don’t feel alone. I’ve got you.”
Daniel’s face did that thing where it looked like a melting marshmallow, all soft and shiny. It was an expression he sometimes got when he looked at Johnny. Johnny was pretty sure it had something to do with love.
“You think I could break up with you when you say things like that? Geez, Johnny,” Daniel laughed. He pulled Johnny to him again and kissed his cheek. Johnny slumped into him, let himself be held. Despite everything, Daniel didn’t think he was a shitty boyfriend and wasn’t going to dump him. This had never happened before. No one had ever sat down and figured out that it wasn’t Johnny’s fault, including Johnny himself. Yes, he was different in a way that no one ever talked about, but there wasn’t anything wrong with him. He could still be enough even if he didn’t want all the things that many other people wanted.
He wished he’d figured this out sooner. He would have made different decisions if he had. But maybe those decisions wouldn’t have led him to Daniel. So Johnny decided to move forward without the “what-ifs”.
Daniel’s arms were settled comfortably around him as if they could stay like this for a while; no hurry to get back to work. Johnny placed his hand on top of Daniel’s where it rested over his stomach. This was better than fine. This was good. He didn’t need a romance novel to find a happy ending.