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Giyuu hates feeling. He hates what he feels when he’s near Sabito. It makes his chest clam up painfully, an onset of nausea washes over him and absolute disgust rises up in the form of bile in his throat. It stings to swallow it back down, the acidity burning his throat raw.
The feeling leaves tears in his eyes that he has to blink away before anyone notices. It weighs his limbs down, making it a chore to place one foot in front of the other while trailing after the other boy.
Sabito definitely isn’t helping. He has little to no awareness of personal space, so it’s not uncommon for his and Giyuu’s hands to be conjoined. Holding Sabito’s hand used to be pleasant and comforting and warm, but they seldom do that now.
It’s to no fault of Sabito’s own, it’s just that Giyuu can’t do so without shaking and sweating, without his heart rate spiking, without wanting to cry and scream and throw up for having that feeling again.
It makes his head spin, makes his thoughts jumble together like the crossings of large tree roots, they extend far out and into each other until he’s unsure of where one begins and ends. It makes him hug his pillow and cry at night, feeling as if he'd been ripped to shreds. He can’t piece himself back together alone but he can’t flock to Sabito for help because he’s the problem.
Sabito was like the sun in Giyuu’s eyes, illuminating the world with his bright personality. He adores the other boy, his strong sense of justice, his borderline annoying habits, his intense gaze, his wisteria eyes and crooked smile.
All the small quirks that make Sabito himself, Giyuu adores.
He knows what that feeling is but doesn’t dare put a name on it, too scared to do so.
‘It’s love .’ He hears the sickeningly sweet voice of his late sister reverberate in his head. She once told him that love has many shapes and forms. But never like this .
“ Well, I love you, Giyuu. And our parents, and my fiancé.” She poked his forehead. ”And you love me, and your toys-“
“-and sleeping!” A younger Giyuu butt in happily, earning a laugh from Tsutako.
“And sleeping, yes.” She sighs gently.
“Nee-san, will I love someone in the way you love him?” Giyuu asked, a little hesitantly. He doesn’t have much of anyone else aside from her and his soon-to-be brother-in-law. He’s a little scared he won’t find the right person.
“Of course you will, silly.” She pokes his nose and smiles sweetly. "There’s someone out there for everyone. So I know that there’s a girl waiting for you, you’ve just got to find her!” She lightly pressed a kiss to his forehead, causing Giyuu to squeal in delight.
.
.
.
‘You lied, nee-san. There is no girl waiting for me ..’ Giyuu laments. ‘And I won’t wait for her, either .’
Sabito, ever so caring and kind, doesn’t know how much pain Giyuu’s in, has been in . He’s just concerned, as any friend would be. Sometimes Sabito will look at him weirdly and ask if he’s alright, and get close to inspect his pink and sweaty face, sometimes pressing one hand to Giyuu’s forehead and the other to his own.
Giyuu's stomach dropped when he realized just how close they were, if one of them were to lean forward..
He doesn’t want to think about it.
But he does, and that’s the problem.
It’s straining them both, Giyuu once realized guiltily.
He sees that Sabito is doing his best to act as if everything is normal, as if Giyuu doesn’t avoid his touch, as if he doesn’t hear Giyuu weeping at night for reasons left unexplained, as if he isn’t also hurt by the fact that his friend is acting so unlike himself.
At times, Giyuu can see the hurt flash in his eyes, it’s quick like lightning and sometimes Giyuu thinks he imagined it , before his eyes cloud over and Sabito looks away.
Giyuu knows he can’t keep doing this. It isn’t fair to Sabito.
Nor himself, but that doesn’t matter .
Giyuu won’t tell him why he’s been acting oddly, he doesn’t think Sabito would look at him the same again. But he’ll try to fall back into their old rhythm so Sabito won’t have to walk on eggshells around him anymore.
Sabito deserved that much at least, but no more.
Giyuu would very much like to take this disgusting secret to the grave.
A few days later, they’re training again. It’s late afternoon and the clearing they inhabit is surrounded by a haze of orange.
Giyuu throws the towel in first, which isn’t something he normally does as of late—nor something that Sabito allows him to do. He stopped giving in so easily after another one of Sabito’s lengthy lectures on how ‘real men don’t quit .’
“You were doing fine, Gi.” Sabito huffed. “..until you gave up!” Sabito sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.
“How many times do I have to say..” he speaks softly now, trying not to further upset his friend. “..that you’re still learning..” He offers his hand to Giyuu. “..And that you’ll be okay if you just keep at it?”
Giyuu sniffles once and takes Sabito’s hand. He’s hauled off the ground, and steadies himself back on his feet. Sabito crosses the clearing to retrieve Giyuu’s sword and places it in his hands.
“We’re going to go again.” Sabito declares. Giyuu firmly nods, his eyes bright and determined. “And don’t give up on me, alright?”
.
.
Giyuu remembers how Sabito smiled at him. His eyes sparkling with mirth as they went in for one last rally before heading back to Urokodaki. He remembers how he started feeling at that moment.
He can’t keep going on like this, the way Sabito looks in the evening sun is breathtaking. With his thoughts in disarray and his mind focused a little too much on Sabito, he’s been underperforming. His forms aren’t flowing as smoothly as they should.
‘As water should .’ He can faintly hear the voice of their teacher and his endless metaphors about how they and their movements should be more like the element they practice in. Giyuu’s movements at this moment resemble ice more than water. Cold and stagnant rather than calm and free flowing.
Sabito for once doesn’t chastise Giyuu for prematurely ending their spar. He’s just as sweaty and tired and out of breath as Giyuu, so he stays silent as he sips water and catches his breath.
Giyuu moves to the other side of the clearing and gracelessly plops onto the ground. He’d be less tired if he just sat by Sabito so they could share the water container, but that seems to make Giyuu uncomfortable now.
Sabito raises the canister in Giyuu’s direction. “You thirsty, Gi?“ He waves it in the air, hoping it’ll persuade Giyuu into coming closer to him.
“..no..” Giyuu croaks out hoarsely between gulps of air. His cheeks are flushed red and his face is laden with beads of sweat, his chest rises greatly, struggling with the task of taking in enough air. It’s quite obvious Giyuu is lying, but Sabito doesn’t comment on it.
“You sure?” Sabito teases, waving the canister around with more vigor. “It’ll cool you right off y’know!” He beams at Giyuu who looks at him for a little while before staring off at the surrounding foliage. His face is a darker shade of red than before.
Sensing Sabito’s stare, he turns his entire body away from the boy. Sabito can only see his heaving form from behind.
Patience is not Sabito’s forte. He’s hot-headed and rash at times, but he’s tried to wait for Giyuu. For him to explain just what’s going on. Sabito doesn’t like being left in the dark but if Giyuu isn’t ready to share then so be it. Now, however, he’s at his wits end. Sabito sighs heavily.
“What has you so bothered?” Sabito mutters half to himself. He can feel his forehead throb in anger.
“Why don’t you look at me anymore? Or talk to me anymore?” Sabito is exasperated by now, he doesn’t like the fact his anger is directed towards Giyuu, but nothing will change if he sits by passively like he had been doing before.
“..I do..talk to you..” Giyuu replies quietly. Sabito talks over him.
“Why do you avoid me? Is it something I did?!” Sabito’s insecurities hit him with full force. Was he the problem? Is it the way he acts? Or talks? Whatever it may be, he's willing to work on it for Giyuu’s sake.
He can’t stand the thought of losing him.
Giyuu suddenly turns around, facing Sabito with the most shattered expression he’s ever seen on the boy. Tears stream down his round cheeks and his bottom lip quivers. His eyebrows are furrowed and his forehead is scrunched. He looks so angry yet so sad at the same time. For once, Sabito isn’t sure what to do. Thankfully, Giyuu speaks before he has to do anything.
“You are the problem.” Giyuu chokes out. “You won’t leave me alone.”
“G-Giyuu..” Sabito stutters out a response. Had he been too clingy with him as of late? Giyuu sniffles before responding.
“But..but it isn’t your fault.” He chuckles sorrowfully. “It isn’t your fault I can’t stop thinking about you…more than a friend should..”
More than a..?
”..oh.” Is Sabito’s eventual response.
It takes a while to sink in that..
Oh .
Giyuu is..like that.
Sabito is floored by this revelation. He never thought he’d know anyone else like that, much less his best friend , who has been crushing on him for weeks now.
Sabito knows what Giyuu must be thinking, what he must be feeling. He doesn’t need Urokodaki’s enhanced sense of smell to know Giyuu must be absolutely terrified. Admitting to such a thing resulted in punishment at best, and death at worst. It didn’t matter who you were, if your secret came out, it was over for you.
Sabito can’t judge Giyuu, as his own interests lean away from females their age, but he didn’t think he’d ever find someone..like him.
Sabito came to terms with himself long ago. If he can recall, just a few weeks of being in Giyuu’s company told Sabito all he needed to know about himself. That fluttery feeling he got when Giyuu laughed or smiled at him was something he’d never felt before. Granted he was only about 12, he was definitely old enough to have sappy crushes on kids around his age.
And the sweet, caring, gentle and kind Giyuu who was also 12 at the time was his crush.
The odds of Giyuu reciprocating his feelings were slim to none, and Sabito wasn’t going to risk losing a friend over something so trivial.
The path of a Demon Slayer does not call for romantic relationships anyway, so it would be easy to explain why he hasn’t taken on a lover yet.
‘Pillars don’t have time for romance, ’ he’d reason with himself, when he knew the real reason was due to him being different, too different to take on a lover like society would expect.
He’s resigned to the fact that he’d never love a girl in the way he loves Giyuu.
Yet hearing Giyuu was not only the same as him, but loves him gives him hope.
Giyuu’s sniffle brings Sabito out of his daze. He doesn’t need to see the other boy’s face to know he’s crying.
Giyuu curls in on himself as if trying to appear smaller. Sabito doesn’t doubt the boy probably wishes he would flat out disappear right now.
His arms are wrapped around himself in a self hug, undoubtedly seeking some semblance of solace. If it’s comfort Giyuu wants, Sabito will gladly provide it.
He crosses the clearing to reach Giyuu’s hunched over form. Crouching behind him, Sabito wraps his arms around Giyuu’s midsection, his chin resting on the boy’s shoulder. Giyuu jolts, his head shooting up and arms squeezing tighter around himself, before going rigid within Sabito’s embrace.
“..Giyuu..” Sabito mumbles softly.
Giyuu doesn’t say anything. “It's okay, Giyuu.” Sabito lightly tightens his grip on Giyuu while burying his face in the crook of his neck. “It’s okay.” He repeats, hoping to get through to the boy.
Giyuu squirms, trying to wiggle out of Sabito’s grasp. “N-no ‘s not.” He mumbles sorrowfully, words slurring together. He wiggles in Sabito’s arms, trying to move his hands and wipe at his tear stained face.
“Why?” Sabito asks gently, eyebrows furrowing in confusion.
“I-we can’t be near each other anymore..” He pauses. “..And w-we can’t be friends anymore.” Giyuu hiccups, a fresh wave of tears spilling out his now closed eyes.
“Why would we stop being friends?” Sabito questions softly.
“Because I’m—we’re just too different now.”
“Not really..” Sabito trails off. “We’re both training to be Demon Slayers..”
“But-“ Giyuu starts, but Sabito cuts him off.
“We both lost our families, but have found a new family in each other and Urokodaki-san..”
“But I-“
“And we have similar tastes in people.”
Giyuu stops dead in his tracks. “..huh?”
“Well..you don’t feel anything towards girls and...neither do I..” Sabito smiles sheepishly, hoping Giyuu understands what he meant.
Giyuu slowly turns to face Sabito, eyes wide with shock.
“It was you who helped me realize that, actually.”
Upon hearing that, Giyuu’s face flushes a light shade of pink. “Wh-what are you saying..Sabito?” Giyuu uncurled himself a little so he can look back at Sabito.
“I’m saying..” Sabito lifts his head so he can peer into Giyuu’s watery blue eyes. “..That I love you, Giyuu.” He grins at the boy, watching with amusement as Giyuu gasps cutely.
Giyuu has mostly relaxed in Sabito’s arms. He has stopped trembling and no longer clings to himself, seemingly content with Sabito’s hug.
“But..what if people find out?” Giyuu questions quietly. “..about us ?”
“No one will find out, alright?.” Sabito reassures him with a happy grin. Giyuu responds with a small smile of his own.
“It’ll be us against the world, Gi.” Sabito sticks his pinky out and waits for Giyuu to do the same. “I promise.” He knows it’s a little childish, but Giyuu seems delighted as he hooks his pinky around Sabito’s.
They notice the sun sinking lower in the sky, the orange and red hues beginning to fade into a light purple. They’ve been out longer than planned, and sooner or later Urokodaki-san will come looking for them.
“Hey.” Sabito nudges Giyuu, who’s still dusting himself off after they’ve stood up.
“Hm?” Giyuu hums in response before yelping in shock when Sabito lightly pushes him backwards.
“Race ya!” Sabito gleefully shouts over his shoulder as he takes off towards Urokodaki’s cabin.
“Hey, no fair!” Giyuu cheerfully exclaims before taking off after Sabito.
As the wind whips his hair and passes over his face, Giyuu realizes that the heavy feeling in his heart has disappeared. He giggles to himself, happy and relieved with how things have turned out. He’s not quite over the shock of being in love with Sabito, nor the boy reciprocating his feelings, but he thinks he could get used to it.
It feels nice. He and Sabito have a better understanding of one another, strengthening their bond and bringing them closer together.