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Deep breath…deep breath, you can do this. This is what you want; it will take all the pain away.
Eren closed his eyes, the wind whipped at his hair and aside from the sound of it, all around him was silence. No one was around, it was three in the morning and most people were at home, warm in their beds and sleeping peacefully. Eren’s eyes burned with lack of sleep and tears as he gripped the cold railing behind him in his sweaty palms. He looked down at the rocky water below and a sliver of panic inched itself into his chest. He almost second guessed his decision, but the memories flooded back with a vengeance and solidified his feelings on the matter. With another deep breath, he gave himself to the count of three before he would let go and let fate decide what became of him next.
1…2…
“Hey wait!”
Eren’s eyes snapped open and in his shock at the startled voice not far from him, his foot slipped. When Eren felt himself start to fall, instant regret shot through his mind with such force he let out a small yelp of fear! He didn’t want this! What was he doing!? He didn’t want this!
*Ten minutes earlier*
Eren Jäger hated his life. From the young age of ten, everything began to go to shit. He began to have nightmares from another time, massive man eating monsters that terrorized every moment of his rest. He’d wake screaming, as he watched people get devoured whole, crying out desperately for help the whole way and all he could do was sit there, frozen in his own fear, only to wake up with sweat covering his body and tears streaming down his face. Most people he saw die, he didn’t know, but then the familiarity started to set in as the years passed and he stopped dreaming just about those monsters. He began dreaming up an entirely different life, full of people he began to care for and consider friends and comrades. It didn’t occur to him until the age of thirteen that these dreams were not figments of his imagination and they weren’t made up in his head. It became obvious that these, in fact, were memories from a past life.
He tried to tell his parents as much, but obviously they never believed him and continued to force him into therapy. He found out these were memories when he began to meet people from his dreams in real life, people he had never seen before outside of his subconscious. It was surreal the day that Mikasa and Armin had entered his life, looking the same as they did in his dreams and becoming fast friends with him. Then came Jean Kirstein, Marco Bott, Connie Springer, Sasha Braus, Reiner Braun, Bertoldt Hoover, Annie Leonhart, Ymir and Historia Reiss…who were all fellow students at his school. Erwin Smith was the schools principle and Hanji Zoe the quirky science teacher. These names meant nothing to most people, but everything to Eren. They were the same people he fought and watched die in his dreams, dreams that still at twenty-five years of age haunted him nightly. No amount of sleeping pills or therapy helped him. He had met almost everyone from his past life and of course none of them seemed to remember anything so he couldn’t even talk to someone about it without being looked at as insane.
To make matters worse, the one man he wanted to see again had never made an appearance in this life. Levi Ackerman had been Eren’s Captain in his dreams, admiration quickly turned to infatuation and love as he grew older. Levi had always been unattainable, but Eren never quit trying and it eventually paid off at nineteen years old, when he finally had the courage to confess. He had been immediately turned down, but Levi came around eventually, claiming he couldn’t deny that his feelings towards Eren had changed. Eren’s dreams weren’t always bad, sometimes they were happy memories and sometimes, well, they were full of lust and intimacy. Eren began having these particular dreams about Levi only a few months before his eighteenth birthday. They were his favourites but they were also few and far between.
Over the years, Eren had drifted from job to job, unable to hold employment down due to his sleep issues and overall irritability. He was horribly depressed and closed off from most of his friends and family this past year and had been teetering on the edge of his breaking point for far longer than that. What truly tipped him over the edge was his most recent dream. It had been years since Eren experienced a new memory and this one was by far the worst. He felt what his past self felt vividly and he mourned just as harshly as he did back then.
Eren had been a titan shifter in his past life; he had been able to turn himself into the same kind of man eating monsters he feared as a child. The only difference is Eren had control of himself while in that form. He was an asset to the war back then and had helped them beat their enemies. Unfortunately, his gift of titan shifting came at a horrible cost; it shortened his life span drastically. When the war had ended, it left Eren with only four years of his life left before he would die. It was at that time that he begged Levi not to leave him, he wanted to spend the rest of his short life with the man he had grown to love so much, he knew it had been selfish, but he couldn’t help but to want the remainder of his life to be good, filled with happy moments he never got to have for most of his life. Levi would make him happy, and while he knew it wasn’t right of him to condemn Levi to the burden of losing Eren in a few short years, he couldn’t stop himself from trying. After fighting a war for most of his life, didn’t he deserve at least a little bit of happiness?
Levi had assured him he wasn’t going anywhere. Their home on the coast of the island became Eren’s true paradise and even as his body began to grow weak and frail, the closer he got to his end, Levi was always there. Right till the end he was there, and that had been his most recent dream. Lying on the beach with Levi, head in his lap as the water rushed up the sand in soothing waves not far from them. Eren had known then that he didn’t have much time left, an hour? Maybe a few minutes? Even in the dream he had felt the almost numbness take over his body, like he couldn’t feel the constant aches and pains that had plagued him for months prior. In his heart he knew it was almost time and he made his last selfish act, he asked Levi to kiss him, and he did. He begged him not to stop and he didn’t. Eren’s last memory before he jolted up in bed was the incredibly warm and soft press of Levi’s lips as his consciousness faded to black.
The dream had broken what little sanity he had remaining. He had left Levi there, to deal with the aftermath of his death, he left him all alone. How could he claim to have loved Levi like he had if he willingly allowed himself to hurt him like that? Realistically, Eren had known Levi was expecting it, but expecting something and experiencing it were never the same thing and Levi had deserved so much better.
They had always said throughout Eren’s last years that they would meet again one day. Eren had said it more so as a comfort thing, rather than actually believing it could happen. Now he knew it was more than possible and yet the world had been nothing but cruel to him, keeping the one person, he desperately wanted, away and Eren didn’t know why he was being punished like this. It had been so long that Eren convinced himself that today’s Levi was gone, died young or never existed at all like the others. Eren didn’t know but he was done. He was done struggling with his daily life and never ending dreams. He had been waiting all these years for the one person who could probably settle his mind and make him happy again, god Eren wasn’t even sure if he remembered what it felt like to be happy. The only happiness he had experienced since the age of ten, was his dreams that didn’t involve violent death and instead laughter, love and peace. It was fake though, all of it. Nothing was worth it anymore, life wasn’t worth the daily struggle and pain.
With that in mind Eren had made his final decision on a balmy end of August night and made his way to the bridge on the outskirts of a neighboring town. He had left a voicemail for his mother, knowing she wouldn’t answer her cell phone so late at night. He told her he loved her and missed her. He made no promises to see her soon but also didn’t hint at what he was planning. He wanted her to save this voicemail, to replay it over and over once he was gone so she had a little piece of him left to hold onto, she deserved that at the very least.
Eren thought he had wanted to end it all like this. He thought this was the only way to escape his pain. The second his foot slipped though, all those thoughts came to a screeching halt and pure panic and fear completely dominated him. He grasped the cold railing in his slippery hands, trying to prevent himself from falling completely. Panicking, he barely registered the litany of curses coming from someone’s mouth as he dangled by his hands. He felt hands grip his wrists and pull him up hard enough so he could loop his arms around the top of the bar and just when he was going to attempt to pull himself up, he felt two strong arms wrap themselves beneath his arms and heave him up and over the ledge, pulling him so hard he stumbled back and fell with Eren landing harshly on top of him and forcing the air from his lungs in a sudden exhale and small groan of pain.
Eren scrambled up to try and get off his savior and froze when the man’s face came into view. Jet black bangs hung in the man’s eyes, but not enough to conceal their intense grey colour paired with his straight nose and thin lips. Not to mention the painfully familiar scowl on his face as if life itself personally offended him. Eren felt a small lump form in his throat, a sob lodging itself in the back, as he gaped at the man beneath him.
“Levi?” Eren choked and grey eyes snapped to Eren’s green, widening almost comically as his mouth dropped open in clear shock.
“Eren?” he whispered in that achingly familiar voice, it was the voice that had soothed him through his dreams so many times. To hear it in this life was almost too much and Eren let lose the sob that had built up at the back of his throat. Tears sprung to his already sore eyes and he collapsed onto Levi again, holding him tightly as if he would fade away and sobbing into the man’s neck shamelessly.
“You dumbass,” Levi breathed and it only made Eren cry harder. He felt Levi’s arms wrap around him almost painfully tight but he didn’t dare move or protest. Levi was here, he was alive and knew who Eren was…could that mean he remembered too? Could Eren have finally found someone who wouldn’t think he was crazy?
Eren wasn’t sure how long he cried, he couldn’t help but bask in the warmth of Levi beneath him and feel the strong arms that were wrapped around his back tightly as if protecting him.
“Do you remember?” Eren asked, his voice thick with emotion as he continued to hold Levi tight and sniffle into the man’s shoulder. A distant part of Eren realized they were still laying on the ground, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was about to end it all and the person who saved him was the man he had been yearning for for so long
“Yes,” came the quiet reply. “I remember it all,” he said holding Eren a little tighter at that confession. Eren lifted his head enough to look at Levi then and gave him the smallest of smiles, tears still stubbornly trailing down his cheeks. Levi released him slightly to reach up with one hand and used his thumb to swipe away another tear as it prepared to drop. “I have been looking for you for thirteen years,” Levi admitted. Eren’s eyes widened.
“To think,” Eren whispered, unable to take his gaze off Levi’s achingly familiar grey eyes. “We were only a town away from each other.”
“That fact actually pisses me off a bit,” Levi admitted making Eren choke on a laugh. “Although I only moved here less than a year ago,” Levi explained. Eren supposed that makes sense as to why they hadn’t found each other until now. The relief he was feeling right now to have Levi here with again was overwhelming. “I’m kind of getting cold, brat,” Levi said and Eren’s chest seized at the oh so familiar nickname. It was always something Levi called him, his strange term of endearment for Eren. Hearing it for real and not through a dream but from a real life man right there in front of him, made Eren want to start crying again. He held back though and slowly began to get off Levi so they could both stand. It wasn’t until Eren tried putting weight on his right ankle that he realized something was wrong with it. His gasp of pain and slight stumble caught Levi’s attention as the dark-haired man reached out to steady him. “What’s wrong?” Levi asked concern lacing his tone.
“I think I hurt my ankle when I slipped, I didn’t notice the pain until now.” Levi moved closer against Eren’s side and wrapped his arm around his shoulders.
“Over there let me check it out,” he said motioning toward a park bench not far away.
Once Eren was settled into the seat Levi rolled his jeans up enough to get a look at his ankle. He moved his fingers around the slightly swollen area and Eren flinched slightly.
“Looks like it’s just a sprain,” he said rolling Eren’s pant leg back down.
“Are you a doctor?” Eren asked curiously. Levi stood and shook his head.
“No, I’m a paramedic,” he corrected. “Alright come on, we can wrap it once I get you home, where do you live?”
“No!” Eren shouted and flinched slightly at the volume of his voice. “Sorry, no, please I don’t want to go home, I don’t want to face my mother right now, not after what i-“ he swallowed thickly “Not after what I just did.” Levi’s expression changed slightly, he almost looked concerned.
“Eren, how old are you?” he asked.
“Twenty-five,” Eren responded. The relief was instant in Levi’s face and he nodded.
“Worried that I was too young?” Eren asked allowing a small smirk to curve his lips.
“You look young,” Levi admitted.
“How old are you?”
“Thirty.”
“That’s almost the same age difference that we were back then,” Eren mused quietly. Levi hummed in acknowledgment before speaking again.
“If you would like, you can come back to my place for the night, it’s only a five minute walk from here.” Hope sprang up in Eren’s chest at the fact that Levi didn’t seem to want to part from him.
“It’s going to take me a while to hobble that far,” Eren admitted with a frown at his ankle.
“I know, that’s why you are going to get on my back. It will be faster that way.”
“Wah?” Eren said immediately ready to protest “I’m way too heavy for that!” Levi rolled his eyes.
“I’m a paramedic Eren, I literally have to be able to lift heavy things,” he said turning around to crouch down and give Eren his back to hop onto. He hesitated a second before carefully maneuvering himself onto Levi. The man seemed to easily lift him, hands supporting Eren’s legs on either side of him by looping them under his thighs. Eren wrapped his arms around Levi to hold on as they began to walk. “You aren’t heavy at all, kid, don’t you eat?”
“I don’t sleep much,” Eren admitted “That alone comes with complicated health problems, so yes, I am underweight.” Levi hummed again in understanding but didn’t ask any more questions as they silently walked through the dark night toward Levi’s home.
“Why were you out so late?” Eren found himself asking curiously. He felt Levi momentarily tense before sighing softly.
“It’s August 28th,” Levi said as if this date was something Eren should know the significance of “I tend to have issues sleeping on this day.”
“Is that bad day for you?” He asked.
“You could say that,” Levi said but didn’t say anything further and Eren decided not to pry.
Once they got inside Levi wrapped Eren’s ankle and instructed him to keep it propped up on the couch pillow while he went to grab some ice and make them some tea. Eren didn’t dare protest to any of that as he properly situated himself on the couch, pillow placed on the coffee table with his ankle resting on it. Eren took a brief look around the living room; it was a mixture of black and grey, the rest of the interior and furniture matching. The colouring fit Levi nicely, Eren thought. Eren could hardly believe what had all happened tonight, he couldn’t believe Levi was here and they had finally found one another, just like they promised.
‘We’ll meet again’
Eren closed his eyes, remembering throughout his dreams the moments they had reassured each other with that phrase. Against all odds, it had come true, and Eren couldn’t properly articulate how elated that was making him feel. The person he had wanted all this time was finally directly in reach and if Eren could help it, he wasn’t going to let him go. There was a soft noise to his left and he opened his eyes to see Levi had returned. Two mugs of tea in his hand and an icepack draped over his arm. He handed Eren a mug before gently laying the icepack onto his ankle. The cold feeling brought instant relief to the aching pain.
Levi sat next to him slowly and sighed. Eren looked over as he took a sip of his drink before speaking.
“What’s wrong?”
“Do you remember everything?” Levi asked carefully. Eren moved to place his mug on the table.
“Yea, do you?” Levi’s brow furrowed and he nodded.
“You knew, didn’t you?” Levi asked again after a moment. Eren was a little confused at the question.
“Did I know what?”
“That day,” Levi said pausing as if trying to force out the words, “The day you left, you knew it was going to happen right?” Oh, Eren thought sadly.
“I did,” he admitted, looking down into his lap where his hands were folded tightly. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “That was so unfair to you.” Eren startled when he felt a slightly cool finger tip press against the bottom of his chin. He looked over at Levi see the smallest of smiles on his face although it was a sad kind of smile.
“I don’t blame you, not even a little bit,” Levi assured. Eren frowned and was about to say something but Levi continued first. “It didn’t take me long to follow after you anyway,” Levi admitted and Eren froze.
“What?” he asked his voice almost a whisper as his mind tried to understand what Levi meant by that. Levi dropped his hand back to his side as he spoke again.
“I lasted two and a half years without you, I was tired and it felt like an easy way out.” Eren’s chest tightened at the thought of Levi being lonely and missing him so much he felt like death was a better option.
“That wasn’t what I wanted for you,” Eren said his voice so low he wasn’t sure Levi heard him.
“I know,” he answered. Eren didn’t know what to say. He hated knowing Levi had ended his life just because Eren wasn’t around. Then again what was Eren about to do tonight? He couldn’t very well blame Levi when he was about to the do the exact same thing. “What did you say before you asked me to kiss you?” Levi asked pulling Eren from his thoughts. “All these years I’ve been wanting to know.” Eren swallowed thickly as the memory resurfaced again.
“I told you that no matter what, I’d find you again,” Eren whispered. It was Levi’s turn to swallow. “I was wrong,” Eren continued and Levi gave him a confused look. “You were the one to find me.” Tears sprung to Eren’s eyes again but they didn’t fall this time. “You saved me in more ways than you can possibly understand.”
“Eren,” Levi said his voice a bit deeper and grey eyes intense. He reached up to cup the side of Eren’s face and the brunet easily leaned into the somehow familiar touch. “I know we just technically met, but I’ve been missing you for half of my life, may I please kiss you?” Eren was nodding his consent immediately and slowly, Levi leaned forward. Eren closed the distance, pressing their lips together for the first time in this life but it was so achingly familiar that Eren couldn’t stop himself from wrapping his arms tightly around Levi’s neck and pulling him closer. Eren jostled his ankle a bit but he ignored the pain in favour of continuing to kiss Levi.
“I’ll never leave your side again,” Eren promised as he pulled back to rest his forehead against Levi’s. This brought a small smile to the raven’s lips again. This time it appeared far happier.
“I’m going to hold you to that, brat,” he said fondly. Eren couldn’t help but notice just how similar this Levi was from his dreams, maybe a bit less rough around the edges but he was so happy to have this man back, words couldn’t even describe how grateful he was in this moment.
The two men spent the rest of the night talking to each other about their lives and even their dreams. Sitting across from Levi still felt surreal to Eren like this was some elaborate trick his mind was playing on him. Maybe he had jumped off that bridge and this was some kind of afterlife. Eren didn’t know.
What he did know, however, was as they both fell asleep against each other on Levi’s couch, for the first time in as long as Eren could remember, he didn’t dream.