Work Text:
“This is 911, what’s your emergency?”
“Oh. Um, someone robbed me.”
“Where are you now? Are you in danger?”
“No, I mean. Maybe. Someone stole my virginity. Can I have yours?”
“Sir, this is 911 not comedy central for stupid Pick Up lines.”
“Right.”
“And I’m not a virgin.”
“Okay. Sorry.”
“Goodnight, sir.”
“Night.”
**
“This is 911, what’s your emergency?”
“I’m choking!”
“I’ll send you and ambulance, what’s the address?”
“I, uh. I need your mouth on mine.”
-Click-
**
“This is 911, what’s your emergency?”
“I’m gay but you might turn me straight.”
“That didn’t make any sense.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you seriously calling me from different numbers every time?”
“I didn’t know you’d be the one to pick up.”
“It’s a very small town; I’m the only one working this late.”
“Lucky me.”
“You need to stop. I’m married.”
-Click-
**
“This is 911, what’s your emergency?”
“Are you really?”
“Jesus Christ.”
“What’s her name?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Sir, you need to stop calling. Someone might be in danger.”
“Seems kind of irresponsible to only have one worker. What if three people get robbed at the same time?”
“Take it up with the bosses, not me.”
“So… what’s your name?”
“LeBron James. Goodnight.”
-Click-
**
“This is 911, what’s your emergency?”
“My name is Stiles.”
“Good for you.”
“Are you legal?”
“I’m thirty-five.”
“I don’t believe you; you sound too hot to be legal.”
“…What the fuck?”
“No, wait. That came out wrong.”
“You need to stop, Stiles.”
“Give me your number.”
“No.”
-Click-
**
“This is 911, what’s your emergency?”
“I won’t stop until I get your number, and you know it.”
“I’ll send cops on you.”
“You wouldn’t. You like the attention.”
“From a whiny, clingy brat? Yeah, I don’t think so.”
“So why do you keep talking?”
“It doesn’t seem to matter what I do nor don’t, you just keep calling.”
“I wouldn’t if you gave me your number.”
“You wouldn’t stop.”
“I would.”
“…”
“So, either you give me it or I’ll keep harassing you.”
“Don’t you have any friends to be with?”
“No, I’m a hermit living in a cave. You are the only human being I’ve talked to in ten years.”
“You’re like twelve.”
“I’m nineteen.”
“Jesus.”
“Your number.”
“Fine.”
**
Brat 03.04: is it just me or is the moon very bright 2night
Me: 03.06: Are you high?
Brat 03.07: are u?
Me 03.09: I’m at work.
Brat 03.10: so?
Me 03.13: So, no. I’m not high, that would be very irresponsible and I’m always on the good side with the law.
Brat 03.14: was that a lie
Me 03.17: Yes.
Brat 03.18: awesome
Me 03.20: Go to bed, Stiles. It’s a school night.
Brat 03.22: talk 2 u tmrw?
Me: 03.30: Fine.
**
Brat 08.30: whats ur name
Brat 08.35: i named u Mr. Squiggle
Brat 08.40: are u sleeping
Brat 08.50: sleep tight mr squiggle
**
Brat 15.30: are u awake now
Me 15.34: Yes.
Brat 15.35: did u like mr squiggle when you were young
Me 15.40: I don’t know what or who that is.
Brat 15.41: his first appearance was 1959 so i just thought u would know
Me 15.45: Don’t test the fire, kid.
Brat 15.46: sry
Brat 15.47: but what should i name u then
Me 15.49: Nothing. You should delete my number.
Brat 15.51: not gonna happen
Brat 15.52: whats my name in ur contact list?
Me 15.55: Nothing. I never saved the number.
Brat 15.57: ur breakin my heart, squiggle
Brat 16.00: srsly tho, i don’t believe u
Brat 16.02: i could just look u up, u know
Me 16.04: Now, where’s the fun in that?
Brat 16.05: u mean this is a game
Me 16.06: I don’t mean anything. I’m just saying. Why would you want all the answers on a silver tablet?
Brat 16.08: good point
Brat 16.10: i g2g talk to u later
**
Me 16.30: I named you brat.
Brat 17.40: cute
**
Incoming call from Stiles
-Declined-
Brat 01.00: u dont wanna talk?
Me 01.05: I don’t see the point.
Brat 01.05: oh cmon i wanna hear ur voice
Me 01.10: You are one clingy thing, you know that?
Brat 01.12: yeah maybe thats why my prev ex tried to kill me
Me 01.14: What?
Brat 01.15: jk
Brat 01.20: did u have a heart attack?
Me 01.23: No, I’m driving.
Brat 01.25: DONT TEXT AND DRIVE ARE U CRAZY
Me 01.27: I’m answering your texts.
Brat 01.28: WELL DONT
Me 01.29: I can do whatever I want, I’m an adult.
Brat 01.30: UGH STOP SQUIGGLE UR GONNA GET URSELF KILLED
Me 01.32: You stop.
Me 01.32: Brat.
Brat 01.34: if u text me while driving again ill call the cops
Brat 01.45: good
**
“This is 911, what’s your emergency?”
“I climbed out on my roof to watch the stars and then I fell.”
“Why are you calling me like this when you have my number?”
“Because you won’t answer, Squiggle.”
“I don’t even look like Mr. Squiggle.”
“Who do you look like then? Oblina?”
“More like Johnny Bravo with better legs.”
“Right.”
“Did you really fall?”
“Yes. My back hurts.”
“Should I send you an ambulance?”
“No. But it’s nice to hear that you care.”
“I don’t. It’s my job.”
“You do care. You love me.”
“Don’t exaggerate.”
“You like me to the moon and all around the universe and back.”
“I’ll text you when I’m done working.”
“You didn’t even deny it. You love me so much.”
“Goodnight, Stiles.”
“Night, Johnny Bravo.”
**
Me 05.27: My name is Peter.
**
Brat 09.20: peter means stone so that suits u
Me 09.25: Why so?
Brat 09.27: because ure very hard
Me 09.29: That I am.
Brat 09.30: what
Brat 09.31: no omg
Brat 09.33: i mean rough, difficult to get through to ur personality. u know, i cant read u
Me 09.36: Alright.
Brat 09.37: are u really though
Me 09.38: Am I what?
Brat 09.39: hard
Brat 09.40: as in penis hard
Me 09.41: Yes.
Brat 09.45: oh
Brat 09.47: are u doing it now?
Me 09.48: Doing what?
Brat 09.50: …
Brat 09.51: u know what i mean
Brat 09.53: are u jerking off???
Me 09.55: No.
Brat 09.56: why??
Me 09.58: Do you want me to?
Brat 10.00: no i was just wondering
Me 10.05: Why aren’t you in school, Stiles?
Brat 10.07: im not feeling good
Me 10.08: Hangover?
Brat 10.09: no
Me 10.10: Then what?
Brat 10.15: nothing, g2g, talk to u later
**
Brat: 05.30: did u know that alcohol is the most dangerous drug
Me 05.40: I did, I get a lot of calls from wives who are being beaten half to death by their drunken husbands.
Me 05.42: Why, are you straight edge?
Brat 05.45: nah
Brat 05.50: can i call u
Me 05.53: I’m at work.
Brat 06.03: ok
Me 06.04: Are you alright?
Brat 06.06: yeah g2g
**
Brat 17.50: are u actually married
Me 17.55: No, I lied.
Brat 18.10: oh ok good
Brat 18.30: not that it matters
Me 18.32: Are you sure you’re okay?
Brat 18.40: yeah
**
Brat 03.20: im not straight edge im just virgin
Me 03.24: That’s ok.
Brat 03.30: u think thats weird
Me 03.32: No, you’re nineteen, it’s normal to not have had sex in that age.
Brat 03.40: i mean that I have done drugs
Me 03.45: No. I mean, you shouldn’t, but it’s common. Are you still doing it?
Brat 03.50: no, i did it when i was younger when my mom died
Me 03.52: I’m sorry.
Brat 03.54: its ok
Brat 03.56: idk why im telling u this
Brat 03.57: im kinda drunk :(
Brat 04.00: have to go, talk to u later
Me 04.05: Call me if you need anything.
**
Me 13.40: Are you hungover today?
Me 15.20: Stiles?
Me: 15.40: I renamed you in my contact book.
Me 18.50: I hope you’re not doing anything stupid.
**
Me 04.50: You ok, Stiles?
Me 06.30: I hope you don’t mind if I named you ‘Princess’.
Me 06.35: Because they are kind of bratty in the stories. Just like you.
Me 06.50: Call me.
**
Calling Princess
“Wazzaaaap bitches, you’ve reached dead end. I’m probably fighting monsters in the galaxy or stuffing my face with curly fries with Scotty. Just leave me a message and I’ll call you back when I can. Later, hoes!”
Call ended
**
Me 05.40: It’s been three days, Stiles.
**
“This is 911, what’s your emergency?”
“There’s a lot of blood.”
“Stiles?”
“I don’t like blood.”
“Stiles, what happened?”
“Got drunk. Tried to die. Failed. Got drunk again and here I am.”
“What have you done, Stiles, talk to me.”
“I took a knife from the kitchen drawer.”
“Did you cut yourself?”
“Isliced and diced.”
“I’ll send you an ambulance, give me the address.”
“There’s a lot of blood, Peter.”
“Give me your address, Stiles.”
“Nah. It’s alright. It’ll stop bleeding soon.”
“You can die. Give me your address, now.”
“Princess, huh? Am I your princess?”
“Yes you are.”
“I like it.”
“Could you be a good princess and give me your address?”
“Okay, sir.”
**
“This is 911, what’s your emergency?”
“The whiteness in this room is stingy in my eyes.”
“Are you at the hospital?”
“Yes. I have a lot of stiches on my arms.”
“I’m glad you’re ok.”
“Peter?”
“Yes, princess?”
“Could you say your line again?”
“What line?”
“Your work line.”
“This is 911, what’s your emergency?”
“I need a dozen cops right now.”
“Why, princess?”
“Peter committed a crime, he’s a thief.”
“What did I steal?”
“You stole my heart.”
“Jesus Christ, Stiles. That was the worst.”
“You love it.”