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Lucy pulled on the hem of her dress, smoothing out the wrinkles as she stared at herself in the mirror. She hadn’t been able to wear the green dress again, not after the turn the day had taken with Angela getting abducted and Jackson getting killed.
She blinked away the tears as she remembered the last time she had dressed up for Angela’s wedding, struggling with the clasp of her necklace. How she had called for Jackson, and he had been there a second later, casually helping her out with the necklace while chatting about how excited the was that his former training supervisor got married.
He had been there along the way, had listened to Angela ranting to him about dating, from the engagement to her pregnancy. Now the apartment was filled with an unbearable silence Lucy wanted to escape.
Tamara had left earlier, giving Lucy time for herself. She had appreciated the thought, how well the girl knew her by know, but now she only felt alone. Alone with her grief. She wondered when she would finally feel whole again, would be able to smile thinking of her memories with Jackson without tears brimming in her eyes.
He had been her best friend. Her roommate. Her partner in crime.
Even though time had passed, the wounds still felt too raw, too fresh. So, she had settled on a blue dress instead, a baby blue one out of silk which fell loosely around her shoulders.
She had curled her hair for the big day, liking the way it looked when it flowed in waves down her chest. It was so different from the strict bun she was used to wearing during work. In a moment of spontaneous nostalgia, she reached for the silver necklace, clasping it around her neck with surprising ease.
Lucy had felt like something was missing before, or rather someone. Now a piece of him would be with her.
Now she was ready.
It would be Lopez’ big day, the day they had all been waiting for for such a long time now. She would try to focus on that instead, would try to let herself be happy and live in the moment without feeling guilty for it.
Jackson wouldn’t want her to live this way. He would want her to be happy. She took a deep breath before smiling at her reflection in the mirror.
It would be a good day.
-
As she made her way onto the inner courtyard where the ceremony would take place, Lucy scanned the area surrounding her. It had become a habit since she had become a cop, something Tim had drilled into her from the beginning. By now it had become second nature to her to always know where a possible exit was, where she could hide for cover and more importantly, who was surrounding her.
Considering a fair amount of the wedding guests were cops as well, she figured most of them had done the same as they walked through the gates. She couldn’t help a small smile spread over her lips at the thought, feeling like she was a part of something bigger, a part of a big family.
She was glad Tim couldn’t hear her thinking this. He would roll his eyes at her sentiment, mock her over it too. But the image of it only made her smile more, something in her belly tingling as she scanned the crowd another time, now searching for someone.
He was standing at the side, currently engaged in a conversation with Nyla and the chief. Lucy allowed herself a moment to stare at him, let her eyes travel over his body. He was dressed in a suit just like she had expected, and although she had seen him in one before, she had forgotten just how good he looked in it.
Her breath caught in her throat as his eyes suddenly met hers. He excused himself from the two cops, who turned to find out what or rather who had caught his attention. Lucy blushed, adverting her eyes as their gazes fell on her, knowing smiles on their lips.
She knew Tim was coming her way and while she had grown more than comfortable around him over the time they had spent together, she suddenly grew nervous. She stopped herself from smoothing down her dress again or checking to see if her necklace was still in the right position. It seemed he made her self-aware too.
For a brief moment Lucy wondered when that shift had happened, when she had suddenly started to feel flustered around him, a tingling sensation erupting whenever he genuinely smiled at her or his eyes locked on hers from across the room. The way his gaze sometimes lingered on her for too long, but never long enough for her.
“Lucy”, he greeted her, his eyes taking in her appearance so quickly she wasn’t sure she had imagined it. “You look good.” He smiled softly at her and she felt her knees going weak.
He seemed so relaxed, so content. She adored the moments he was like this, when he let his guard down around her and let go of his hard demeanour. She wondered when she had broken his shell, had managed to slip past his walls to encourage him to let himself just be from time to time.
“Thanks. You don’t look too bad yourself”, she said with a grin as he came to stand in front of her. It was silent between them for a moment.
Lucy wanted to say something, but she suddenly couldn’t think of anything. Their last shifts together had been uneventful and bringing up their recent breakups wasn’t appealing either. “Have you seen Tamara yet?”, she asked instead, her eyes leaving his as she scanned the yard for the girl.
"Yeah, she was here pretty early, helped set up the music and last-minute decorations.” His eyes were fixed on her face, a silent question in them and his brows slightly furrowed. Though his expression was subtle, Lucy had learned to read Tim over the past years. She knew immediately he was concerned about her, contemplating why Tamara and her hadn’t shown up together.
“Oh, we didn’t fight if that’s what you’re thinking!” Lucy laughed nervously, feeling the heat spread through her body under his watchful eyes. Tim didn’t say anything, but his eyes hadn’t left her face yet and the sudden tension between them made her feel uneasy.
She shifted under his gaze, breaking eye contact as she felt the need to explain herself so he would stop looking at her this way. Like he could see right through her.
“I just wanted to have some time to myself before coming here.” She let her voice be light, a nonchalant smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes hiding the pain that came with her words.
“Lucy- I”, Tim began, but she couldn’t let him continue, couldn’t let him say something comforting because she knew it would break her. No tears today, she had promised herself. At least no sad ones. “Oh, there she is!” She send him a brief smile before turning to walk past him. “See you around.”
She only made it a few steps before his voice called her back. “Chen!” She turned around without hesitation, like her body was responding to him before she could decide whether it was the right thing to do.
“You still owe me that dance.” His voice was confident like it always was, but his eyes betrayed him as they flickered past her only for a second. Seemed like he wasn’t as sure about himself as he wanted everyone to think.
The thought that dancing with her had been on the back of his mind until now and was something that made him a little uncertain, perhaps nervous excited her. The pain ebbed a little as she let the anticipation fill her.
“I wouldn’t have thought you would remember”, she confessed, and he frowned slightly at her. “You’re underestimating me, Chen.” She rolled her eyes at him, but it was in amusement rather than annoyance.
“Maybe I just know you too well by now”, she pointed out and he narrowed his eyes at her, though she could see he wasn’t mad. “What’s that supposed to mean?”, he asked, a challenge in his tone she was too glad to take on.
“Uh, nothing.” She feigned suddenly feeling uncertain and insecure, waiting for his expression to soften before she added, “I just didn’t take you as a guy to be into romantic things like dancing.”
She watched the surprise unfold on his face, holding back the laughter as he realized she was messing with him on purpose. “You think I can’t be romantic?” He raised his brow at her as he waited for her response.
Lucy gulped, realizing that they were on dangerous grounds right now. It was the game they always played, banter turning into flirting, always walking on a tightrope with the other. It was a thin line they were on, a misstep meaning crossing the line between them.
With it came a thrill she had never felt before. Being with Tim felt so easy, yet she could never allow herself to let her guard down completely. Especially in the past weeks she had been dangerously close to tripping and falling.
Eventually she had to take that leap of faith. But she told herself she wasn’t ready for that yet. Was he?
It would be easy to shut him down and steer away from dangerous territory by bringing up why things had ended with him and Ashley. It hadn’t been enough for her to spend time with Tim like he preferred, watching a Dodgers game on his couch with Kojo by his side and a cold beer in his hands, talking about the job. Or rather, his shifts with Lucy.
But she didn’t want to hurt him, didn’t want to ruin this day for them, so she had to come up with something else instead.
She pretended to think about his words, buying herself time to think of a response. “No, I can’t see it. It will take more to convince me than just words”, she settled on. It was probably the worst answer she could have come up with, instead of bringing them back onto safe ground edging them even closer to the dangerous line between them.
Sometimes she wondered who would cross it first. Would it be her due to her habit of speaking before thinking? Or would it be him, in one of those moments he opened up to her, admitted truths and spoke words that would affect her so deeply they would constantly be on her mind afterwards?
Perhaps it would be both of them, neither wanting the other to win their game.
She liked that idea.
Tim had taken a step forward and heat filled her cheeks as she realized how close he was standing to her now. “Is that a challenge, boot?” His whisper was low as he leaned forward, sending a shiver down her back.
“Oh, definitely!” She kept her tone light, hoping he couldn’t see the effect he had on her. The tension was so heavy between them that Lucy knew she had to step away or else she might do something she regretted later. Besides, hadn’t she claimed to go talk to Tamara?
How easily he had distracted her, not just from her intention to leave and talk to the girl, but from her previous thoughts, making her want to escape in the first place. Did he know just how wrapped around his fingers he had her?
“Gotta go now”, she announced, relieved how easily she spotted Tamara in the crowd. “Oh, and Tim”, she met his brown eyes once again, a triumphant smile spreading over her lips. “I’m not your boot anymore!”
She heard him chuckle behind her as she left, wondering if he was staring after her but not daring to turn around to find out.
-
Lucy hadn’t been able to keep her promise. When Angela and Wesley had exchanged their vows, she hadn’t been able to stop a few tears from leaking from her eyes. But they were happy tears, so technically they didn’t count.
Tamara had offered her a tissue like she had been prepared for this moment the whole time, an amused grin on her face.
The gesture brought even more tears to Lucy’s eyes, and she had to dismiss the urge to hug the girl, the sudden feeling of love and gratitude she felt making her heart ache in the best way possible. “Tamara you’re-” “the best, I know.”
The girl rolled her eyes at her sentiment, but Lucy had gotten to know her well enough by now to know she was secretly touched too. “Now stop crying or you will ruin your eye make-up. I am sure you wouldn’t want to look like a panda in front of officer Zaddy.”
“Tamara!” Lucy kept her voice down but didn’t hide her indignation from it. “Oh please, he has been stealing looks at you throughout the whole ceremony, probably since you stepped through that gate.” She gestured towards the entrance of the courtyard.
Lucy let the words sink in, her stomach twisting at the thought that Tim couldn’t keep his eyes off her. While she wanted to shut down the girl and the possible rumours that came with it, she was too curious to do so.
“Has he really?”, she whispered, and Tamara smirked. “Yes!” Lucy stole a glance at Tim. To anyone else he might appear stoic. His jaw was set, and he was masking his emotions. But Lucy could see past the facade.
She knew the subtle hints that gave away what he was truly feeling or at least that he was feeling something. He might try to make it look like he was indifferent, but he cared deeply, something she had learned in more ways than one.
The way he had held her after he had pulled her from the barrel. The fact that he hadn’t left her side at the hospital until she had gotten some rest. He had shifted her perspective on her tattoo and tossed her the ring that had led them towards her location, telling her she had saved herself. He could have easily claimed to have been the one to do so, but he had never done that, had never considered himself her saviour.
The same Tim who was always so smug, so annoyingly confident and sassy, arrogant some might even say, refused to take credit for her rescue, didn’t even let her bring it back to his training. Instead, he kept on reminding her of her own strength, told her she had always had instincts that made her a good cop, something he never could have taught her.
But more than that, it was the little things, the everyday things that he could have easily missed, yet never did. When he would notice her silence in the shop, something he would have praised in the beginning of their time together, but now left him concerned and worried for her.
How he noticed her nervous habits like thumbling with her ring or her fingers, could tell when something was bothering her despite her pretending she was fine.
He knew what she liked and what not. Her lunch and coffee orders, favorite songs, pet peeves, guilty pleasures and secret obsession with true crime podcasts and reality tv.
Tim paid much more attention than she let on, she realized. “And you claim to be a cop”, Tamara added mockingly, but Lucy chose to ignore her comment.
She hadn’t told Tim the truth why things hadn’t worked out with Chris. He had been a great guy, but he hadn’t been the right one for her. She had always noticed it, but had brushed it aside, as if pretending it wouldn’t bother her would make the problem go away.
She knew she had to give him time, had to give him the chance to fully get to know her before judging him, but shouldn’t it be easier? She wanted him to understand her, even without words, wanted him to pick up on the little things. But he didn’t. No in the way she wanted him to, not the way Tim did.
-
Lucy was chatting with Nyla and a woman she hadn’t met before, who was a cop too. It was refreshing to talk to other women about her work, especially about what it meant to be a UC, and she felt herself truly enjoying the evening.
Angela and Wesley were on the dance floor, wrapped in each other’s arms and Lucy glanced at them every now and then, in awe by the way they were so clearly in love.
She hadn’t taken a step on the dance floor yet and honestly, she wasn’t planning to do so without Tim claiming his dance. She hadn’t seen him since the ceremony had ended and instead focused on talking to the other guests.
She knew she was doomed by how often he invaded her thoughts, but she would refuse to let her whole world turn around him. She could be talking to Nyla and the others without her eyes wandering off to search for him and still have fun.
Maybe that was exactly what it was, the reason she was always thinking about him in some way. They had become too inseparable, always choosing to ride together when possible, calling or texting outside of work and making up excuses to wait for the other after shift ended.
Perhaps a little time without him was truly what she needed. She was an independent woman after all, someone who could handle herself. She wanted him by her side, but she didn’t need him there every step of the way. She was capable just on her own.
Except she wasn’t.
She had just taken a sip of her wine, a smile on her face as she zoomed back into the story Nyla just shared about how she had agreed to teach a self-defence class and no one had shown up, which ended up getting her a date. She hadn’t even thought she was perceiving the music, which was playing softly in the background. At least she couldn’t remember the last song that had played.
But the familiar tune now playing wouldn’t fade into the background. It send her body into a state of shock the second it began, with a little delay it took her mind to keep up with what was happening.
Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
Out of a sudden she seemed numb, frozen, unable to move or breath. Her chest had become tight, and it began to ache as her breath was becoming irregular. She had broken into a a cold sweat, her fingers becoming clammy. Her heart was pounding in her chest, making it impossible for her to control her breathing.
Birds singing in the sycamore tree
Dream a little dream of me
From the corner of her eye, she could make out Nyla frowning at her. “You’re okay?” Her voice sounded far away, drowned out from the loud beating of her heart in her ears. She wanted to nod, wanted to smile and excuse herself so she could leave without making a scene, but it was impossible to form the words let alone speak them.
Say "Night-ie night" and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
Her vision had become a little blurry and Lucy wondered if it was due to her arising panic, a feeling so familiar yet always just as terrifying, or because tears were clouding her vision.
She couldn’t figure it out, couldn’t bring her mind to focus on it as her thoughts were racing. Nyla seemed to reach out towards her, but someone else stepped between them. She heard muffled voices and then felt a soft touch on her arm.
She flinched in surprise, causing the figure in front of her to bend down a little, his face coming into view. Blonde hair and blue eyes. A clenched jaw and eyebrows drawn together in a deep frown. Something familiar.
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me
“Come one, let’s go.” She couldn’t concentrate enough to read his tone, just knew that it sounded so Tim-like that it brought her enough comfort to get through to her and allow her body to follow along.
He guided her away from the table she had previously stood at, shielding her from the crowd and unwanted attention.
Lucy wanted to ask where he was leading them, but the words wouldn’t leave her lips and it took her whole attention to breathe without letting out loud gasps.
Stars fading but I linger on, dear
Still craving your kiss
She couldn’t fall apart.
Not now.
Not here.
I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear
Just saying this
It seemed they had reached their destination, because Tim had stopped, turning towards her. What she saw in front of her looked like... the dance floor?
But why would Tim bring her here? Was this some sort of cruel joke, a Tim test she wasn’t getting? But she wasn’t his boot anymore and she knew Tim would never do something like this to her.
He had been there with her when Rosalind had sung the song in her cell, had learned what meaning it held to Lucy. So why wasn’t he leading her away from this place? Somewhere she could fall apart in private?
Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
It seemed the confusion was written all over her face. “You still owe me that dance. Why not follow up on it now?” She could tell him about a million reasons why now wasn’t the time she wanted to dance with him, a time she wasn’t fully present, barely able to contain herself enough to stop herself from breaking into sobs.
But Tim seemed undisturbed in his actions, drawing her close. She still wasn’t able to move on her own, so he gently placed her hands where they belonged, his own hand settling on her hip as he began to guide them to the music.
Everything was happening so slowly, clearly a sign her brain was overwhelmed and trying to catch up or else the song should have come to an end by now. Just how long could it be?
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me
“Now I need you to focus, Chen. Breathe. What are we doing?” His voice was determined, demanding, but nethertheless soft. Lucy blinked at him in irritation, trying to focus on his steady breathing to normalize her own.
“Yeah, that’s good. Breathe with me, okay? Now, what are we doing?”
Lucy frowned. It took all her strength to focus on his voice, on one thought, forming the words in her head and pushing them past her lips. “We’re da-dancing”, she replied shakingly and he nodded, satisfied with her answer.
“Good. What can you feel?” She was taken off-guard by his words, her eyes searching for evidence she had misheard him. But he was serious, waiting for her answer. She cleared her throat, giving herself the permission to let go and focus on what it was that she was feeling in this moment.
“I can feel your hand on mine”, she took a breath, “and on my- waist.” He nodded in approval, continuing to sway them softly to the music. “What does it feel like?”
She would have gasped at his question, if she wasn’t currently trying to regain a steady breathing rhythm. But Tim wasn’t being cocky or bold to mess with her. There was no smile on his lips, only the same frown plastered on his face and a tension in his jaw that showed he was concerned for her.
“I uhm”, Lucy contemplated his question, steering her attention to the places his hand touched her. It took her an effort, but the more she focused on answering his questions, the less she could lose herself in her own thoughts and the memories that flashed in front of her eyes.
She closed her eyes, realizing it was a mistake as images appeared in front of them.
The barrel. the darkness. the fear.
Stars fading but I linger on, dear
Still craving your kiss
“Lucy”, Tim’s voice was low, a gentle sound close to her ear bringing her back to the present, reminding her where she was and that she wasn’t alone because he was here with her. Her name rolling so softly from his lips grounded her in a way she had thought possible, but she clung to it, as she pulled herself back from the memories and tried to searched deep inside of her for an answer to his question.
She wanted to close her eyes so she could fully focus on the way his touch felt, but when she did, the darkness reminded her of the barrel she had been locked in. And worse, the memories would flash back to her. So, she kept them open, looking up at him in another attempt to regain her focus.
He didn’t break eye contact and Lucy could see her pain reflected in his eyes. She was hurting so he was too. It strengthened her will to push through it, not just for herself but for him, not wanting to see him upset like this.
“It feels”, she began, her voice weak but audible, “safe. You make me feel safe.” She realized in the moment just how true it was. If it hadn’t been for Tim, the way he held her so close to him, she would have lost herself in the memories and the panic long ago.
But she hadn’t broken down, was still fighting, because deep inside she knew that his voice so close to her, his presence meant nothing bad could happen to her.
He could have told her so from the beginning, but he hadn’t. He had pushed her to figure it out herself, knowing the realization had to come from inside of her to stick. And along the way he had distracted her from her own thoughts, had given her something else to concentrate on.
“I know I am not alone”, she added in a whisper, noticing how much easier it felt to speak already. Her heart rate had slowed down too, allowing her to take long and steady breaths again.
With the adrenaline leaving her body, she felt her energy leaving her too. The exhaustion hit her, and she had begun trembling. When had it become so cold in here?
Tim seemed to have noticed too, because he drew her even closer towards him, the heat radiating from his body and his touch filling her with warmth.
The panic seemed to have passed and Lucy noticed the song wasn’t playing any longer. She wondered when it had changed but couldn’t remember being aware enough to hear it.
The newfound calm finally allowed her to feel present in the moment. Lucy looked around them, wondering if someone was watching them dance so closely, but the dance floor was filled with people, everyone captured in their partner’s presence to care about anything else.
Lucy smiled as she thought of the way Tim had managed to bring her back and navigate them through the dancing crowd at the same time. She knew he would dismiss it, if she brought it up, but it seemed he was a much better dancer than he let on.
It was still silent between them, Tim giving her the space to regain her senses and take in her surroundings. Her eyes found his again and she was once again taken aback by how softly he was looking at her, patiently waiting for her to say something.
“Thanks.” She was hesitant, feeling like the small word wouldn’t do what he had done for her justice, but she didn’t know how else to show her gratitude. Beyond that she suddenly felt self-aware again, a little ashamed of her strong reaction.
She had been vulnerable in front of Tim before, so it wasn’t that she was scared to be open with him. But she knew that she wasn’t the only one who had suffered that night.
His guilt still weighted on him from time to time. She could see it in his eyes the moment something relating to her abduction was brought up or they had to work on a case which could potentially trigger her.
He had been protective of her ever since that night, especially when she had first gotten into UC work.
Lucy trusted him, more than anyone else, but she didn’t want to add to his long list of scars. He had been hurt so many times before and she wanted to look out for him like no one else did, like he deserved.
She wanted to be the strong and independent woman he thought her to be, wanted to prove that she was healing from the trauma, yet it had only taken a song, a melody really, to shatter her and all the process she had made.
Tim smiled faintly at her. She could see he suddenly felt self-aware as well and she imagined he would reach up to rub the back of his neck like he always did when he was confronted with a vulnerable situation if his hands hadn’t been on her body.
She wanted to thank him more, tell him how much this meant to her, but she knew he wouldn’t take the credit for it, would brush it off like it was nothing. But it wasn’t nothing. He must have searched for her the second the song had started and had managed to bring her back from the dark place she was losing herself to all while protecting her from the gazes of curious wedding guests.
It meant something to her.
He was still so close to her, and Lucy wondered if he had forgotten to put distance between them again now that her panic attack had passed, but she wouldn’t complain.
She could smell the faint scent of his cologne; the same one he had worn when she had hugged him after he had opened up about his dad. She inhaled it, wanting to remember it. It was so him. Tim.
The tension had risen between them again and Lucy felt the urge to close the remaining distance between them and kiss him. Maybe she could show him how much it had meant to her through the kiss. But they were surrounded by co-workers, the chief only standing a few metres away.
Eventually Lucy would cross that line with him, she decided, but not this evening. Not here at least. They deserved the moment to their own.
“This is not how I imagined our first dance to go”, she said instead, chuckling a little to relieve the tension. Tim smirked at her, slightly raising his brow. “First?” Lucy shrugged, tilting her head in question. “First implies there will be more than one. You think you’re a good enough dancer I want to dance with you again?”
Lucy let out a huff in indignation, but was secretly glad he was shifting the atmosphere to something lighter and Tim laughed. “What if I don’t want to dance with you again, because you’re stepping on my toes the whole time?” He grinned, the self-assured kind. “Did I?”
“Well-, no, but that’s not the point”, Lucy rambled, and he laughed. Although he was winning their banter, Lucy couldn’t care less if it meant she would hear that sound again. He sounded so carefree, it made her forget the graveness of the situation just moments ago.
“You didn’t give me a real chance yet”, she complained, wanting to convince him that she wasn’t that terrible of a dancer. She had been at a disadvantage before and if he would see her TikTok-profile- well, he had seen one of her videos by accident when she had showed it at their interview together so nevermind.
Tim chuckled at her words, before putting a little distance between them. Lucy didn’t have time to feel disappointed about it, because he twirled her around a moment later. Not having expected the motion Lucy let out a surprised giggle.
A second later she was back in his arms, her eyes twinkling with joy. She could see her smile reflected in Tim’s eyes, a sparkle in them he only sometimes allowed to show.
“Don’t worry Lucy, I like dancing with you.” His voice was deep and a little husky as he spoke to her. She bit her lip, trying to suppress the big smile that urged to light up her face but failing. “Can I have that written down somewhere or, even better, recorded?”
He snorted at her comment. “Not gonna happen, boot.” She rolled her eyes at him. ”Not your boot anymore.”
“Trust me, I am very well aware of that.”