Chapter Text
"Mickey, what do I do with all this love I have for you? What do I do with all these memories of all the love we shared?"
"You have to remember it. So that you feel the weight of your past, OUR past, everytime you try to love someone."
"I don't want to love anyone else, ever, the way I love you, Mickey. I know these memories are going to trouble you too"
"I'm not gonna love anybody the way I loved you. But I can't love you the same either. Those memories are going to haunt me for the rest of my life." Mickey took a deep breath and probably swallowed a sob that was about to burst out. "Ray, you stole a part of me that had the courage to love someome. They say I'm over reacting. How do I tell them what all you took away from me? I have to die with this secret, just like you, because one day you woke up and fucking decided to ruin my whole life. Please never forgive yourself."
A tear did roll down, but his voice was fierce, a little shaky, but fierce. Enough to make the man behind helmet cry silent tears for nights.
_________
That was the last time Ray saw Mickey. A month has passed. Oh god! The time passes quick when you're a busy dedicated grinder. Maybe it feels like yesterday because he has replayed that conversation in his mind too many times. Mickey was right, the memories haunt him a lot in the darkness of the night, as if a ghost of his past self is mocking him from the shadows. Probably that was another reason he intentionally fucked up his sleep schedule. He woke up after everyone went to bed, grinded with RUST crew for nights, and slept in the daytime to avoid meeting with bois or/and Mickey.
Sometimes he would climb up the Mt. Chilliad at the dawn and enjoy the sunrise. They say sunrises signify new beginnings. He could atleast hope that someday the sunrise will bring a new beginning for him. Or for Mickey.
When his schedule is a bit relaxing, he would sit there until the tsunami wipes him away. Alone, with his thoughts. "A terrible combo" as mickey would say. Tsunami wiped him away and made him sleep, until the alarm would ring and he would wake up at the apartments. (He stopped sleeping at the manor long ago. He doesn't want to be the face his family sees first when they wake up. Ray understands. He understands what his family is going through.)
Today was one of those days. Sunrise was indeed beautiful from the Mt Chilliad. The cold breeze, a gentle hum of the city beneath and his thoughts. His thoughts. He had been alone with his thoughts when he was in parsons for two years. But it's different now. His thoughts were no longer about killing himself or leaving the city. His thoughts were no longer about himself. His thoughts were mostly about his crew, his femly, his businesses and Mickey.
Sitting on one of the rusted benches on the mountain, he looked at his hands. The same hands that held Mickey by his waist while they kissed for the first time after the party. The same hands that tangled with Mickey's hand under the table during long boring femly meetings. The same hands that gently rested on Mickey's chest when they cuddled under a warm blanket. The same hands that instinctively went through Mickey's soft hair when he put his head on Ray's lap and vented out about his day. The same hands that pulled the trigger on Mickey's face. He hated those hands.
He had memories. Very sweet memories. The memories he had made to reminisce on lonely days. But the consequences of what he did in heat-of-a-moment were way more powerful. Those sweet memories seem like merely a beautiful dream. Memories had started to fade away one by one. He can't remember the details of many instances that he wanted to remember forever. Maybe this is for the best. Maybe he should let them fade away.
Wait. But Mickey said "you have to remember our memories." And that's why Ray reminds himself of all the memories everyday so that he doesn't forget. He has forgotten details but he still remembers everything. Today was one of those days when the memories flooded his mind. Too many of them. He couldn't deside if he should be overwhelmed by the sheer number of memories or if he should just smoke a joint and go to sleep.
He knew that his insecurities and anger issues had led him here. Everytime he had a bad episode of overflowing anger, Mickey was always the one to calm him down and help him fall asleep. Everytime he felt lonely in this rapidly changing city, Mickey was always the one to remind him how loved he is. He sometimes wondered what kind of monster he would've become if Mickey wasn't by his side. But when all this anger was somehow directed to Mickey, he had no one to stop him, and he witnessed how horrifying his inner monster was. He realized how dangerous he was to the people who loved him. "I'm going demon mode, boys" sounded so reassuring when he said it during cop shootouts and gang wars. But now the 'demon mode' scares him, and everyone else.
He has pulled many triggers before. He has taken a lot of lives. But "the best shooter of los santos" sounds a lot like salt on an open wound now. Mickey hated that title. One day after the vault when Ray got shot in a shootout with cops, mickey had held his bleeding hand and told him "Ray, I don't like this side of you. One day this will lead you to something dangerous. I don't care if you are the best shooter or whatever, promise me you won't pull out a gun unless it's to save someone's life." He broke the promise. Mickey said a lot of wise things. He was a smart person, after all.
Today was like one of those days when he would call Mickey and ask if he has anything crazy on his mind, and listen to him go on about that 'anything crazy' for 15mins before one of them would ping their location. Today was also like one of those days when Ray would drive around the city aimlessly and Mickey would play his elaborate playlist and hum the most cringeworthy songs.
He checked his phone and realized the tsunami will occur in 20mins. He wanted to call one of the boys and listen to their voice after ages before tsunami puts him to sleep. He missed the boys, but had no courage to meet with them. He hadn't seen Yuno, his helmet twin, for two weeks now. He saw Lang last week near the Cerberus building, parking his moped. He wanted to go and say hi, but he noticed Dean and Harry there and took a U-turn. He sometimes met Tony in one of those late night degen hour races, but they never had a proper coversation. He missed his boys. As much as he missed Mickey.
He checked his phone again. 2minutes to go. His thumb hovered on Mickey's name in his contact list. He tapped on the screen expecting 'disconnected' to pop up but it says 'dialing...' instead. Ray skipped a beat. He was experiencing the longest 6 seconds of his life.
"Hey Ray." Aah the same cold voice, damn it. "What's up?"
"Umm... Mickey.. I wanted to tell you something. If you are okay..."
"Yeah what's up?"
One minute to tsunami. Ray took a deep breath and swallowed his saliva. His face already red and a tear about to fall down his cheek. "Mickey, I miss you. And I really wish you were by my side. I know I don't deserve to even think about this. But I cant stop thinking about you. Maybe in the next lifetime, I will keep you close and love you the way you deserve to be loved. I am really sorry for breaking you into pieces. I lo-".
The tsunami wipes him and his pain away.