Work Text:
A videotape is put in, displaying static before a blue screen shows up. It appears the video was taped back in the 1980s or 1990s.
A piece of upbeat electronic music is heard, sounding like it would only come from a workout from the time period.
Yellow words suddenly slide up from the bottom of the screen.
“Fuck you, Musutafu!”
The video’s screen switches over to Bakugou, pointing towards the camera in his untidy school uniform.
“If you’re dumb enough to put your child into a popularity contest, you’re a big enough shmuck to send them to U.A. High!”
The scene switches to that of the front of UA, with several students looking on in confusion and at least one laughing their ass off.
“Bad Teaching! We taught All Might! Villain attacks!”
The screen switches across multiple scenes, which follow as in order; Aizawa snoring away as he lies in his yellow sleeping bag, All Might in his hero form smiling with a thumbs-up before steam burst from him and it revealed his emaciated form spewing blood, and finally shaky footage of Tomura trying to use chopsticks to eat reheated noodles, only to dust them up and just gobble them up from the plastic cup itself.
“If you think you’re gonna find a bargain at U.A. YOU CAN KISS MY ASS!”
The scene cuts back to Bakugou flipping the camera the bird.
“It’s our belief that you’re such a stupid motherfucker you’ll fall for this bullshit—Guaranteed!”
The scene cuts to a literal piano dropping onto Kirishima’s head from the UA Dorms and he flashes a toothy smile and a thumbs up from the mangled remains of the piano.
“If you find a better prep contest, shove it up your ugly ass!”
“You heard us right! SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!”
“Quirk training? FUCK YOU, I’VE FUCKED YOUR WIFE! BECAUSE AT U.A. HIGH YOU’RE FUCKED SIX WAYS TO SUNDAY!”
Que a video of some random woman [“scholars” still debate on if it was Midnight or someone else in this] being partially shown being [redacted].
“Take a hike to U.A. High! Home of child maiming! That’s right! Child maiming!”
“How does it work?”
“If your child gets maimed and doesn’t die, you get NO DOWN PAYMENT!”
Que a video with Izuku breaking his arms, but he flashes a thumbs-up despite his broken limbs and tears in his eyes.
“Don’t wait, don’t delay, don’t fuck with us or our rat will rip you off!”
“Only at U.A. High! The only school that tells you to GO PLUS ULTRA!”
“HURRY UP, ASSHOLE!”
“This enrollment ends the minute you write us a check! And it better not bounce or you’re a dead motherfucker!”
Que Bakugou holding up a black spray-painted toy gun towards a random student, before Tenya runs up and the video gets shaky.
“GO TO HELL—U.A. High! Musutafu’s greatest, and exclusive home of the meanest sons-of-bitches in the country of Japan—GUARANTEED!”
Que a zoom-out of the Students of 1-A, with Izuku and Bakugou at the front of everyone else. At the flashing of the words ‘GUARANTEED!’ on screen, the video abruptly ends.
“What in the absolute hell did my two eyes just soak in?” Aizawa muttered, taking a drink of his spiked coffee and feeling his sanity slowly slipping from his mind, much to the laughter of Present Mic, who was currently rolling on the floor and laughing his ass off.
“Well… that was an attempted advertisement created under the collaboration of Bakugou, Kaminari, and an unnamed second-year management student for a duel-course participation project,” Cementoss said, feeling just as drained as his fellow member of the school’s staff.
“…What do we do with this?” Snipe asked, which was quickly answered by Aizawa grabbing the ancient-looking tape and throwing it out the window.
“Never speak of this accursed tape ever again.”
But little did they know that later on the tape was found by an unnamed student who was coincidentally walking by and subsequently uploaded it online. The footage was mysteriously deleted not long after it was posted, but most at UA could swear that they heard the cacklings of a certain mammal later that night.