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Chapter 1: The problem and the past
Why the fuck are those 3 cunts here? This is my fucking island and they are not supposed to be here. I’m so mad I could sing a song right now. This is it, this is karma for that time I burned down a pharmacy.
*two years ago*
“You told me that my prescription was ready! Why the shit are you telling me it isn’t? I literally got a phone call from you 45 minutes ago that it was ready. Am I in the fucking twilight zone?” said Donna.
“I’m sorry ma’am but you prescription won’t be ready until 5 tonight” replied the poor pharmacy tech.
“shut up bitch” said donna as she turned to leave.
After Donna left the pharmacy she crafted a molotov cocktail, threw it through the pharmacy window, and drove to a different pharmacy to get her prescription.
*present day*
“You commit arson one time and suddenly all your exes come out of the woodwork as a cosmic punishment” Donna remarked to Tanya and Rosie.
“one arson?” Tanya asked
“I can think of like eight different times you’ve committed arson” remarked Rosie.
“If I had a nickel for every crime you’ve committed I could afford a nose job” said Tanya
“If I’m such a master criminal, name 6 crimes I’ve committed.” Donna demanded
“Well, you already remember the pharmacy arson, there was also the time you slashed my tires because I said your overalls were out of style” said Tanya
“Don’t forget the time Donna stole a cop car and used it to rob an armoured truck, that’s a two for one.”
“You’ve literally gone to jail for high treason, and then broken out of said jail”
“You got into a high speed police chase in the popemobile, that you had stolen”
“You used a thermonuclear bomb to destroy a major US city.”
“Oh my god remember the time I kidnapped a US senator and then we just hung out for a weekend” said Donna.
*6 months ago*
“Hey, are you a sitting US senator?” Donna asked the sitting US senator.
“Yes” replied the sitting US senator.
Donna then poisoned him and kidnapped him. She drove him home in the trunk of the popemobile. After they got to her house she forced him to play DDR but on one of the at home mats that are soft, so he was slipping and sliding all over the dang floor. Afterwards they ordered pizza and watched Desperate Housewives, then they watched House M.D., after that they watched some other stuff that had “house” in the name. After a few days she let him go, and that was that.
*present day*
“Remember that time you literally murdered a guy because he bought you a book?”
*4 years ago*
Donna had been sitting in her favourite coffee shop, just hanging out in a very aesthetic way. When a man who was walking by tripped and spilled his iced oat milk latte all over her book (50 shades darker). Donna was initially furious, she intended to retrieve the knife from her purse, but before she could she looked up and saw him. He was new to the island and absolutely gorgeous. Her murderous instinct faded as quickly as it had arrived. She was in love, this was obviously love at first sight.
“Oh dang, sorry” said the man. “I’ll buy you a new one” he offered, romantically.
“That would be sweet” said donna.
The man left the coffee shop for the book store, nary 5 minutes had passed before he returned, book in hand. He handed the book to donna, and she took it, stars in her eyes. But as her eyes drifted to the book her world shattered, like a glass in a blender. This was NOT 50 shades darker, it was the original 50 shades of grey. Love left donna’s soul. She took out her murder knife and killed him dead, then and there.
*Present Day*
Now that donna was certain that her exes showing up was karma for her crimes she knew she would have to get them off her island no matter the cost.
Chapter 2: A hairy situation
Maybe Donna would be able to convince them to leave, without having to murder them, Donna thought, it was unlikely but it was possible. She would try to talk to Harry, he was the pushover so it should have been a breeze to get him gone. Dona texted him (she still had his cell number from when they had their fling in the 80s).
“Hey, ass face, meet me at the secluded cliff that has no witnesses” she texted him.
“Sure thing Don, I’ll see you there in 15 :-)” He replied.
At the secluded cliff Donna sang her ass off about heartbreak and how harry needed to leave.
“Wow donna, you really put your whole pussy into that” He remarked “but alas I am unable to leave because I was invited to Sophie’s wedding.”
“I literally do not care, leave now, or this will be the last secluded cliff that you go to to meet up with a scorned ex”
“Donna you can’t kill me, I’m gay, it would be a bad look”
“Harry its not a bad look if I go and kill everyone else too, if I only kill you, yeah, that’s a bad look, but you’re not getting special treatment, so it’s equality or something, idk” said The Don.
Donna was reaching into her purse of weapons (she was looking for a weapon to do murder with) when suddenly a piano fell out of the sky and squashed Harry flat. He was no longer Donna’s problem and technically she’d committed no crime. Donna looked up to see where the piano came from, but alas all that was above her was clear sky, so who knows where it came from. I don’t know, comment down below if you know where it came from.
Chapter 3: Bill Catches a Bullet
*The next day*
“Sophie i’m sorry but it have no idea where Harry went” said donna (lying).
“Thats too bad, also I can’t find my piano. Have you seen it anywhere?” Sophie asked.
“…no” said donna (lying).
*45 minutes later*
Donna decided to go on a walk around the island to clear her head and rob a liquor store. As she arrived outside of said liquor store she saw Bill walking out with a gallon of Chardonnay. Donna was about to hide behind some shrubs when Bill saw her.
“Wazzup don, hows this Tuesday treating you?” He asked her, rather informally considering he hadn’t seen her in 20 years.
“Oh ya know, working hard or am I hard” donna replied.
“Haha Donna you haven’t changed a bit, life sure is wacky isn’t it. Harry wandered off yesterday and no-one has seen him since” said bill
“That is kind of nutty” said donna.
This conversation continued, they talked about various different subjects, as well as several different topics. After this conversation concluded Bill invited donna to hang out on his boat, just the two of them (Authors note: if your ex (or anyone you don’t know super well) invites you onto their boat, don’t go,). Bill’s boat was cool, it was big and had sails, and was cool. All the various people who saw his boat often told Bill that his boat was cool, because of the big sails. After arriving at bills boat donna was desperate to commit a crime, she didn’t get a chance to rob that liquor store, and hadn’t done anything illegal since she poisoned a guy at breakfast. Naturally donna was in a crime withdrawal.
On the boat Bill was doing his sexy boat guy routine, but it isn’t working, their breakup had been messy af, donna reminisced about burning down bill’s mother’s house. Donna took her robbery gun out of her purse (this was the gun she had intended to use to rob the liquor store). But just at that moment the boat hit a big wave and the gun flew out of donna’s hands. Just before it was going to fall into the ocean Bill caught it (that’s the bullet he caught in the title of the chapter).
“You need to keep a better grip on this little guy” bill said as he handed the robbery gun back to donna. Just a moment later, as donna was about to shoot bill a bolt of lightning zapped out of the sky and hit Bill. He was on fire and looked like a cartoon character. He ran around on fire for a moment before jumping into the ocean to put out the fire. Unfortunately Bill could not swim and immediately sank to the bottom of the ocean, drowning.
Donna reflected on how it was kind of weird how both of her exes had been killed by random sky based acts of god, just a moment before she was going to kill them. Weirder still, there was not a single cloud in the sky that the lightning could have come from.
Chapter 4: Pierce Brosnan Cannot Sing
With Bill and Harry out of the picture it was time for Donna to finish the trilogy, Donna checked her phone, 8 missed call, 2 voicemails, and 17 texts, all from Sophie. Donna put her phone on silent and deleted the notifications. Just as she was about to put her phone away she got a text from Sam (that’s the 3rd and final dad), it said “Donnnnna, we need to talk meat me at the top of that really long staircase to the church in 2 hours”
Donna was not thrilled about his choice of location, those were a lot of stairs, but that was too bad. She agreed to meet him and then she sank Bill’s boat to hide evidence of his murder. For the next 90 minutes (that’s an hour and a half) Donna wandered around the island singing all your favourite songs from the hit musical Mamma Mia, when Donna was finish with singing she finally looked at all Sophie’s missed texts, they weren’t interesting, she was just worried about if she actually wanted to marry the guy, what’s his name. Donna decided not to reply, she was teaching Sophie about independence or something.
When donna began her walk up the long staircase she lamented her decision not to buy an Acorn Stairlift. If only she could just sit down and be transported in style to the top of the stairs. By the time she got to the top of the stairs she was out of breath, and there she saw Sam. He wasn’t even slightly tired looking. Donna observed that behind him was a hot air balloon, he must have used that to get to the top of the stairs.
“Hello sam” said donna.
“Hello donna, we should get back together” he said, out of nowhere
“Ok, here’s the thing, I love being on my own. I really do. You know every morning I get up, and I thank God that I don’t have some middle-aged, menopausal, man telling me how to run my life. You know I’m free, and I’m single, and its, its great” Donna responded, with dialogue I definitely thought of myself and didn’t plagiarize at all. Pierce Brosnan Sam then proceeded to sing not very well. Like I genuinely believe that I can sing as well as him. I am not a good singer but if you put me on stage next to Pierce Brosnan I could show him up. I’m not a musical person, I genuinely hate my voice but he cannot sing to save his own life. If I was Pierce Brosnan and I turned in that performance for a movie I would quit acting out of shame. No hate to pierce, but buddy, stick to talking.
After Sam finished singing he had a question to ask donna: “Donna darling will you accompany me for a balloon ride around the island. Authors note: if a guy sings to you then asks you for a balloon ride sans witnesses RED FLAG, best case scenario he tries to bone you, worst case scenario he murders you. But Donna intended to kill Sam to death, so that was an opportunity for her too. Donna accepted.
The hot air ballon was nice, if Donna wasn’t plotting a murder it would have been extremely aesthetic. Donna was just about to get out her murdering knife when Sam spoke.
“Donna my love (AN: RED FLAG) I must confess something to you” he said unprompted, totally killing the vibe.
“Oh boy, a confession in a place I can’t leave with zero witnesses, I’m sure I’ll survive this” donna mumbled.
“Donna you’ve likely noticed that both Bill and Harry have disappeared” said sam
“Im not sure if id say disappeared, but sure” donna said.
“Harry didn’t die in a piano accident. And Bill wasn’t killed by a random lightning strike. Donna, I killed them. I killed both of them, for you. I couldn’t handle the idea of those two loving you. I killed Harry with Sophie’s piano, I dropped it off of this balloon and squished him.”
Donna was speechless.
“Bill was tougher, I had to hit him with lightning, thank goodness he couldn’t swim lmao” said sam
“But wait, how come I couldn’t see your balloon?” Donna queried.
“I flew away before you had a chance to see me” he replied.
“You killed two innocent men? Just to be with me?” She asked
“Yes, my heart has longed for you since forever. I couldn’t let them get between us” said Sam.
Donna was in shock, it was totally unbelievable that sam would kill two men for her. It was the single most romantic moment of her life. It was 100% true love and donna told sam as much. As they continued to circle the island donna knew she needed to seal her love with sam, and there was only one way to do it. Joint murder. The two of them held up an anvil, Donna half one end and sam held the other, and together they dropped it, squashing some random guy flat. Truer love had never been felt.
And they both lived happily ever after, committing crimes across the world.
The End. :-)