Archive of Our Own

🪐

Jeno remembers how it starts. He remembers being fifteen and introduced to a group of trainees, one of them a boy from China, snaggle-toothed and stumbled in his Korean. Renjun is his name. But most Korean trainees struggle to pronounce it right, so he sticks to telling them to call him Injun instead.

The hard name pronunciation was somehow a challenge to Jeno that he ends up practicing the boy’s name whenever he’s alone. 

Reonjeon. Reonjuwin. Renjun.

He doesn’t realize that once Renjun’s name echoes in his mind while his voice plays in his head, Jeno starts sneaking glances at him and shyly looking away when Renjun notices.

Renjun comes up to him first one time by the stairs when Jeno was on his way to practice. But he stills when Renjun is all smiles as he greets Jeno. His voice is soft and pleasant; Jeno wants to hear him again, but his brain is a mess. It’s like the cogs in his brain refuse to turn right when Renjun smiles at him. It’s stupid to think that his brain can cram an exam overnight and get the top grade in his whole batch but can’t respond to a greeting from a cute trainee his age.

Jeno simply nods in response and makes his way to the dance room where Jaemin, Donghyuck, Mark, and Jisung were waiting for him.

He replays the scene in his head at one in the morning when he is about to sleep but can’t get over it. But over time, he represses the memory, and it’s practically easy to do so when he juggles both school, training, and being on a kids’ tv show.

🪐

Jeno gets a girlfriend at sixteen. It’s mostly because of peer pressure when his friends and some staff members tease him with a girl trainee his age. Her name is Haeun. She’s pretty, like all the other trainees. Doe-eyed, slim-framed, and with bangs that reach her eyebrows. 

He asks her out before an evaluation at the empty stairway close to their practice room. She can’t hide her excitement when Jeno pops the question, and Jeno is just relieved that he didn’t face rejection at an early age. They hold hands going back to the practice room. Everyone takes notice. And Donghyuck is the loudest of them all with his howling and cheers for the couple. 

At the corner of his eye, Jeno spots Renjun with some other group of trainees, not sparing Jeno and Haeun a glance. He’s laughing at something one of the trainees, Ten, was saying. And Jeno can’t help but feel the tug in his heart, knowing he wasn’t even worth Renjun’s time. 

Logically, this wouldn’t matter to Renjun at all. He heard Donghyuck say that Renjun was intimidated by him. In Jeno’s mind, it equated to not wanting anything to do with him, so Jeno shouldn’t care that Renjun doesn’t care. It shouldn’t. He should focus on the person he’s currently dating. The person who is willing to get to know him beyond the wall he built for himself that people call intimidation. Someone who genuinely likes him.

Dating at sixteen, one would think they’d have time to themselves and go on dates like couples in their puppy love stages do. But Jeno doesn’t really know what it means to be someone’s boyfriend. So, when they reach their first week of dating and Jeno feels stagnant, he turns to someone older for advice.

Talking to his sister about dating was out of the question. Jeno imagines a sneer and a playful look, telling him he was too childish to even have one. Doyoung would be a more understanding option.

When Doyoung asks Jeno out for ice cream, Jeno then asks him, “Hyung, how do I become a good boyfriend?”

Of course, Doyoung initially laughs, “What? Are you having trouble already?”

Jeno can’t help but laugh, too. It’s ridiculous. It’s awkward, but somehow, he sort of wants answers. So, he pushes through despite the cringe. 

“No, it’s just . . . I don’t really know what it takes to be a good boyfriend.”

“Maybe wanting to make her happy? You can start with that.”

“How do I make her happy?”

“I don’t know, Jeno. Maybe you should ask Haeun. She’s your girlfriend after all. You should be honest about what you guys want from each other.” 

Jeno is silent, taking the words in. Even if they have been holding hands when they’re together or eat together during lunch hours, there’s still a part of Jeno that holds back. He doesn’t know how to confront any kind of emotion that disrupts his composure. It’s unnerving. When Haeun tries to push their conversation to something deeper, like love or how they feel about certain topics, he gives one-liners or I don’t know s that he knows disappoints Haeun in some way. 

“Yeah, I guess,” is all Jeno says. 

“But no funny business,” Doyoung warns, making Jeno laugh. He wonders if this is how it’s like to have a big brother to bond with. It’s nice. He likes Doyoung’s company, too.

However, he doesn’t really put Doyoung’s words into action. Or, more accurately, he’s unable to.

Jeno enjoys the hand-holding, the hugs, and the cheek kisses. He likes the touch and warmth that come from their relationship. But it doesn’t take long for Haeun to realize that it’s not enough. He tells Jeno that she wants something more than what they have. She wants a boyfriend that puts her first. And with Jeno putting his career first, then spending his free time mostly with friends, she doesn’t feel loved enough. 

And so, she breaks up with him in the second month. 

Jeno never imagined how empty the feeling of a breakup would be. Perhaps there was a growing attachment, or perhaps, he’s never really known what it felt like to be bad at something. He never imagined being bad at a relationship.

The word of their breakup spreads fast. And in their last evaluation, Haeun didn’t make the cut, so she wasn’t around to hear the whispers. Haeun has made enough friends and built herself up to be the darling trainee, and Jeno mostly keeps to his small group of friends. So, often, he’d hear about how Jeno just doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body or that he’s “such a boy” that he can’t really know what girls want out of a relationship. It’s not like they weren’t right. But it still stings. 

Jeno is the first person in the dance room on a Monday morning. He plays with his phone to distract himself while waiting for class to start. The door opens, and Renjun comes in. His hair has grown long enough that it almost reaches his eyes, and he has a snapback on with a wrapped popsicle at hand. Renjun greets Jeno when he notices him and closes the door behind him when he enters the room. Jeno greets him back as a courtesy. And it’s awkward because Jeno is alone in a room with Renjun this time, and his heart is going a thousand miles per hour. He doesn’t understand why he’s nervous. 

He’s literally fresh from a breakup, and when he’s alone with his crush before class, it’s like his heart has a mind of its own. 

During the month he was dating Haeun, Jeno was so focused on her and being a good boyfriend that his feelings for Renjun started to maybe even fade. He and Renjun barely had classes or training together. Or when they did, he tries his best not to acknowledge him at all. 

However, it doesn’t seem to be the case now. 

Now, it’s like his body is letting him remember the way Renjun’s presence makes him feel. It’s too early for his chest to be pumping this way.

Renjun approaches him, asking, “Is it okay if I wait with you?” 

“Sure,” Jeno replies. 

Renjun sits down on the floor beside him. The popsicle that Renjun got was the twin popsicle one and before he unwraps it, he breaks the popsicle in two, opens it, and gives the other one to Jeno. 

“Here,” Renjun says. He doesn’t even ask Jeno if he wants one. Renjun simply assumed Jeno would want one. And it would be impolite of him not to take it, so he does. 

“Thanks,” Jeno nods. 

“You’ve been kind of gloomy lately. I heard you broke up with your girlfriend, so I thought sharing my ice cream would help just a little bit.” 

Something blooms inside of Jeno when he first hears it. Renjun has been paying attention to him. Him . Heat grows in his cheeks, and he feels his palms growing cold and sweaty at the same time. 

“Do I… really look gloomy?” Jeno asks before biting his popsicle stick. 

“Yeah, I mean, I get it. She was really pretty and really nice. Both of you looked really close and in love, so I get how it could be a bummer.” 

“It happens,” Jeno replies. He missed the mark on being the best boyfriend to her. Renjun probably heard it from any of the trainees when the rumor spread around. He tries not to let it faze him at all. Essentially, Renjun is a colleague to him — a stranger. A very very pretty stranger. 

So, he doesn’t feel all that comfortable opening up to him about his real thoughts, which were along the lines of “if they looked in love or if Jeno looked like he liked her as much as she liked him, why didn’t it work out? Why did he feel shitty about it, too?”

The few seconds of silence between them probably prompted Renjun to change the subject because he starts asking about trainee lessons. He talks about the dance teacher who was a stickler for lines and the fluidity of their movement. He also goes on about how he started ballet just so he can attain the fluid body movement, which that certain teacher wanted them to achieve. 

Jeno listens to him intently and responds every now and then, too. His response wasn’t his usual one-liners this time, and for some reason, he could sense Renjun’s gradual enthusiasm. He smiles at Jeno occasionally, the beautiful curl of his lips that revealed his adorable snaggle tooth and the melodious sound he emits when he chuckles in between amusing stories about him and other trainees. 

In his years of being in the company, exposed to many attractive faces that had the potential to be on television screens, huge stages, and the cover of magazines, there was just something about Renjun that made Jeno’s vision form a tunnel and just simply focus on Renjun himself. He’s attractive for sure, a pretty face in a sea of other pretty faces. But Jeno can’t simply tear his eyes away. 

“Hey, your popsicle is melting,” Renjun tells him, laughing. 

“Oh, shit.” The colored ice drips on his black sweatpants, leaving a wet blotch on his lap. 

“Oh my gosh, was I boring you so much that you zoned out? Fuck, I’m sorry.”

“N-no!” But before Jeno could say anything further, he was interrupted by a group of trainees who were entering the practice room. They were a group of Renjun’s friends, which meant that obviously, Renjun was going to hang out with them now before their class started. The door opens a second time, and Jaemin and Jisung enter the practice room, too. 

“Hey, I’m really sorry again for talking too much,” Renjun gives him an apologetic smile, “I have to go to Dejun because the guy owes me money. Thanks for talking to me for a bit, yeah?” 

Then, off Renjun goes. 

Jeno couldn’t even get a word in to correct the misunderstanding. The popsicle continues to melt in his hand, and Jisung gives him a look of utter disgust.

“Hyung, you’re making a mess. You’re going to get demerits on this,” Jisung scowled. 

“I’m sure a demerit would be a small scratch on Jeno's record when he’s literally one of the top trainees in our batch next to Mark,” Jaemin smirks. 

The words fly by him because all he could think about was that he talked to Renjun. Renjun.

Renjun, the pretty boy he’s been sneaking glances to every now and then. 

Renjun, the boy he’s been wanting to talk to since forever but never had the guts to start a conversation with. 

Renjun, who smiles at him every now and then, but Jeno is just too shy to do it back because he thought that his feelings would spill over.

And Renjun still thinks Jeno doesn’t like him because Jeno can’t function like a normal human being around the boy he likes, afraid he’d act like a fool. Except, he still does because he’s so fucking conscious about it. 

He finishes what’s left of the melting popsicle and sighs audibly in frustration, leaving his friends confused. 

🪐

“You’re a Taurus, right, Jeno?” Jaemin asks. 

“I think so?” Jeno isn’t quite familiar with astrology. He’s quite surprised at Jaemin’s sudden interest in it. 

They’re in their shared dorm room that night. Donghyuck is out with his family, and Mark is in the practice room doing his usual overtime practice sessions. Jaemin and Jeno decided to go home early that night because they had crammed for a test the day before. 

“It says here that Taurus starts from April 20 to May 20. Hm…” Jaemin scrolls through his iPad and reads through what could be text on his screen. The image of Jaemin beside him is a blur to Jeno, so he only assumes. He already placed his glasses on the bedside table and was too lazy to reach for it, so he just waits for Jaemin to continue reading stuff to him out loud. 

“Tauruses like living in comfort. It’s hard to get a Taurus to rush into anything, which can be frustrating to everyone else,” Jaemin reads, “Huh. This doesn’t seem like you.” 

Jeno scoffs. No wonder he’s pretty skeptical about astrology.

“They’re patient, loyal, and tenacious. They can be possessive and stubborn, too. Ah! Now, this seems more like your alley,” Jaemin says. 

“Hey, I’m not possessive,” Jeno whines. 

“Please,” Jaemin scoffs. 

“Name one time,” Jeno challenges. 

“Okay,” Jaemin hums in thought, “How about that one time when I decided to pair up with Jisung, and you were pouting the whole time.”

“Yeah, because you promised we’d always pair up!” 

“How about when Donghyuck was only playing games with Jaehyun hyung, and you were pouting the whole time, saying ‘guess you have a new gaming buddy now, huh?’” 

“Yeah, well… That doesn’t explain anything! That’s just another bogus personality criteria that generalize anyone just to figure people out.”

“Okay, Jeno.” He can already tell that Jaemin is rolling his eyes on his bed, “Let me check others.”

Jaemin goes on to talk about how Donghyuck is a Gemini; Jisung is an Aquarius; Mark is a Leo like him, then he goes to the topic of Renjun who is an Aries, and Jeno is all ears again. 

“Aries are known for their willful nature. They can light up the room with their charisma,” Jaemin reads, “They’re straightforward and adventurous. This really sounds like Injun. They can also be impatient and dominating.”

Jeno envies how Jaemin and Renjun somehow manage to hit it off. They have a few classes together, and Renjun seems to be more at ease with Jaemin, even with Donghyuck, Jisung, and Mark. When Jeno joins them for lunch, Renjun seems to have his guard up. They interact occasionally because somehow the conversation takes a turn to Jeno, but Renjun seems to do it out of courtesy. And though he does his best to relate to Jeno, he can tell that there is still a colleague wall between him and Renjun. 

He listens more until Jaemin grows sleepy and dozes off. By then, Jeno checks his own iPad and searches for his and Renjun’s sun signs. If people ask him if he’s interested in astrology, he’ll deny it until the ends of the earth. 

But upon his research, he concludes that if Taurus is ruled by Venus and Aries is ruled by Mars, then this could be an explanation as to why he can’t seem to keep his composure around Renjun.

Venus and Mars are known to be lovers, bound by fate and sheer attraction. So, Jeno thinks it’s also by fate that he falls in love with an Aries boy, like Renjun.

🪐

Jeno learns that he’s going to be in the same unit as Renjun. They’re in the meeting room with the staff members explaining their concept and their debut song, but all Jeno could think about was that he and Renjun were going to be spending a lot of time together. 

They were going to work and live together. The thought of that change is overwhelming; more so, due to the fact that he’s going to be seeing the boy he dreams about 24/7. He can’t wrap his head around it. 

Everyone else is rejoicing. Jeno tries to stay cool and join in on the banter. Mark and Donghyuck are going to be in another unit, too, so they juggle between Dream and 127. Then, they have another addition to their team, Chenle, a trainee who has only been in their company for six months. Chenle is still adjusting to the Korean language, so Renjun acts as his translator every now and then. 

When they’ve wrapped up their meeting, Renjun approaches Jeno. He’s all awkward smiles and tensed shoulders when he says, “So, we’re going to be in the same group, huh? Take it easy on me, alright?” 

“Uh, okay?” Jeno doesn’t know what Renjun means by that. He knows Renjun was probably just joking, but does he really come off as rigid that Renjun would say such a thing? He doesn’t think so. On the contrary, Renjun seems to be stricter when it comes to practice between the two of them, so what Renjun said confuses Jeno all the more. 

Renjun’s words don’t hold much weight on his mind. Jeno is never really one to dwell. He gets busy enough in preparing to move into a new dorm and practicing for their debut that he doesn’t have time to overthink it.

The transition from their trainee life to their idol life comes to a close end. And Jeno learns more about Renjun than he thought he ever could. It’s easy as he literally becomes Renjun’s roommate when they move in. The roommate placements were picked through a game of matching sticks, and somehow, Renjun and Jeno ended up with the same one.

The first few weeks in, Renjun and Jeno were awkward. They try not to step on each other’s toes and give each other room to adjust to each other’s presence. Renjun talked to him in a more polite and careful tone while he was more free and honest around Jaemin and Jisung. Jeno didn’t know how to feel about that, so he started interacting with Renjun the way he was with his other friends.

He'd tease Renjun every now and then, playing coy. They’d talk about the movies they saw and share opinions about them, listening to both similar and contrasting ideas. Renjun starts easing up to him, and Jeno can see the shift in the way Renjun acts around him.

He learns that Renjun likes an aromatic room. Renjun collects scented candles and incense that were strong enough that they didn’t need to be lit to emit a scent. Somehow, it’s relaxing, and he likes the new addition to his resting place. He also learns that Renjun has a peculiar fondness for a character named Moomin. He has a plushie of him on his bed that he sleeps with every night.

When Renjun somehow manages to get a hold of Moomin stickers one day, Renjun sticks some on one of Jeno’s drawers.

“They match,” Renjun says. Apparently because they’re both white — Moomin and his drawers. 

Adorable , he thinks. But he doesn’t say it out loud. He merely smiles in return.

As months pass since their living arrangement, Jeno grows fond of Renjun more than he ever did when he was still looking at the boy from a distance.

He doesn’t tell anyone though. Not when he knows there’s so much on the line if he did. How much of a change it would be, especially to everyone who expects him to be a certain way. So, he stays silent about it. It’s not the first time he does so, anyway.

🪐

“Happy birthday, Jeno!”

When Jeno thought that Renjun would pay him back for the Moomin power bank he got Renjun for his birthday, he thought that it would be something more…

Up his speed.

But instead, Jeno is given a so-called seaweed soup made of hot water and seaweed wrap at midnight. He ends up laughing because Renjun looks so innocent and serious about the gesture that it was ten times more amusing.

“Oh my gosh!” Jeno cackles.

Jisung comes out of his room, witnessing what was happening. When he sees the bowl of hot water with a seaweed wrap submerged at the bottom, he begins laughing, too.

“Hey! I made that seaweed soup for you!” Renjun pouts.

“Will I die? Please tell me I won’t die,” Jeno jokes.

“Fine! If you don’t want it…” Renjun was about to take the bowl away when suddenly Jeno snatches it first and scoops a drenched seaweed wrap to eat. He chews on it before it begins melting away in his mouth.

“Huh… it’s actually not that bad,” Jeno concludes.

“Hyung?” Jisung gasps, clearly disgusted. 

Jeno finishes the whole bowl without a wince, leaving both Jisung and Renjun amazed (and on Jisung’s side, more appalled). 

The way Renjun smiles at him makes his stomach churn more than the aftereffects of eating Renjun’s so-called seaweed soup. It definitely wasn’t the most ideal gift, but he appreciates the gesture and the idea of it anyway. 

Surprisingly enough, Renjun pays for dinner, ordering Jeno’s favorites. Renjun tells him that this was his real birthday gift. They gathered at their dorm’s dining table and invited Mark and Donghyuck to come over to celebrate. Before eating, they light up the cake that the company gave Jeno, telling him to make a wish. 

He didn't want to at first, thinking it was embarrassing. He was an adult, for heaven’s sake. The whole candle-blowing thing was child stuff. 

But with whines and complaints from all of the members, he rolls his eyes and submits to their request. He does make a wish before blowing his candle though. He glances at Renjun but then turns to everyone else just so they don’t catch him suspiciously looking solely at Renjun. 

If this is true, maybe Renjun? Can I wish for Renjun? It’s more of a question than an actual request before he blows out his candles. 

They clap and cheer then proceed to eat. 

“Thanks for the food, Jun.” Jeno grins.

“It’s the least I could do after giving you that failed attempt at a seaweed soup.” 

🪐

It’s the fifth time since Jeno’s received a note with a scribbled phone number in the hallways of a music show. He was grabbing a can of coffee from the vending machine when on his way back to the dressing room, he was stopped by another idol. She’s all dolled up with her pigtails and pretty eye makeup. She has jewel stickers just below her eyes too, just above her cheek. 

She’s pretty. It’s a general fact more than anything. 

She’s from a more prominent girl group, one that gained attention after members had gotten prominent drama roles here and there. The girl has been on a drama, too, but he can’t quite remember her name. 

“Hey, um, do you need anything?” he asks politely. 

“Yes, uh, here,” she gives him a sandwich. She didn’t bother to get his answer before hurrying back to her dressing room and leaving Jeno with bread and a piece of paper with her number scribbled in black ink.

Her name is written there though. 

Kang Yoori. 

Jeno proceeds to the dressing room and avoids Donghyuck or Chenle in case they start berating him about it. Luckily, both of them are engrossed in a mobile game to even notice anyone who came and went into their dressing room. He avoids Renjun, too, because he doesn’t want Renjun to get the wrong idea. 

The seat beside Jaemin is empty, which is convenient because Jaemin more or less just minds his own business. 

It’s what makes him comfortable to be around. Sometimes, he does notice the little things about Jeno, but he doesn’t push. He never does. 

When Jaemin notices the paper in his hand, and Jeno pulls out his phone to type in the number and copy-paste his usual template to reject them, Jaemin asks, “Why don’t you ever give them a chance?” 

Jeno is surprised by the question. Jaemin has seen him rejecting people through text a bunch of times, but he’s never commented about it. He also knows that Jaemin gets his fair share of numbers, but he’s the type to talk to them and sometimes even take them out. 

But Jeno wasn’t like that. 

“I just don’t want to waste their time,” Jeno replies, “I’m busy enough as it is, and I’m comfortable being with you guys. I just don’t feel like exploring options these days.” 

Jaemin analyzes Jeno, making Jeno somewhat nervous. Sometimes, he hates how much Jaemin can read him so well. Jaemin had said that he’s just been with Jeno for so long that he's more or less predictable. 

That’s why, as much as possible, Jeno is more on high alert whenever he interacts with Renjun and Jaemin is around. He does his best not to give himself away. So far, he’s done a pretty good job at it. 

“You already like someone, don’t you?”

“No,” Jeno replies flatly.

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes.”

Jaemin gives one more suspicious look before focusing on his phone again. He doesn’t bother asking any more questions. Jaemin already knows that when Jeno is adamant to keep something, he does. When he wants to share with Jaemin, he’ll have to willingly do so. 

And so, Jeno continues on with sending his templated message to the girl who gave him her number. 

[2:30 PM]

Hey, this is Jeno. Sorry. I’m not really interested in dating right now or any other arrangements. Thank you for the snack and for your confession though. Good luck on your comeback!

🪐

Sometimes, Jeno gets a little jealous of how open Renjun is toward Jaemin and Jisung. He notices he’s more open about his feelings, thoughts, and ideas to them specifically. 

Jeno and Renjun can talk about deep stuff. Or whatever people deem to be deep stuff. But somehow he notices it’s different with Jaemin and Jisung. 

Somehow, their conversation seems to be on a different wavelength that goes farther into the depths that Jeno can’t seem to swim down to. Or perhaps, he’s always just so hesitant to enter. 

Jeno wakes up to the sound of Jaemin and Renjun talking in Renjun’s bedroom. Their room is separated by paper-thin walls, so sometimes Jeno can hear Renjun and his conversations with Jaemin or Jisung. 

They’ve since changed apartments. Now, Jeno and Renjun have their own rooms while Jaemin rooms with Jisung. 

Renjun’s words come out as a mumble from the other side, so he wonders what he and Jaemin are talking about. A part of Jeno wishes that it was him on the other side though, and not his best friend. 

But he didn’t want to intrude. Not when he can’t seem to offer what Renjun is looking for in someone he can bare his soul to. So, he shoves away the envy in the pits of his heart and puts on his earphones to watch Youtube videos in full volume.

🪐

It never crossed Jeno’s mind that Renjun could be dating anybody. 

Much less a man.

On their week off, Jeno comes home earlier than usual. He felt bad that Renjun couldn’t go home because his flight was canceled. Then, he learned his parents were going on vacation to Europe anyway, so there was no use going home, so he decided to stay in their dorm. 

Renjun was more open about how lonely he felt when he was in the dorm alone. That’s why Jeno told his parents he was only staying for dinner and then would go back home, lying that he would be having work the next day. 

But to his surprise, when he returns home, he hears weird sounds coming from Renjun’s room. Sounds of someone murmuring. And maybe a pained noise coming from Renjun? He feels his skin grow cold. It could be a weird fan that entered the premises. He readies his phone to call the police just in case.

“Renjun?” 

As he’s closer to Renjun’s room, he’s on high alert. When he opens the door of Renjun’s room, he jumps in surprise to only see someone on top of his roommate, both of them in a more intimate position.

“Oh shit—” 

They halt when they see Jeno standing in the doorway, eyes wide open. The stranger quickly removed himself from Renjun and climbed off the bed. He picked up his clothes in a hurry, giving Jeno an apologetic look.  

“Fuck, I’m so sorry!” the boy said before bolting out of the room and into their shared bathroom. 

Renjun is just lying down on his bed, shirtless. Speechless. He and Jeno are just looking at each other. No words coming out of their lips. No thoughts in Jeno’s head. 

Jeno can feel his cheeks growing warm, and he leaves Renjun’s room to go to his own room. 

“Fuck,” Jeno whispers, leaning against his door. Renjun likes guys? The fuck.

It was both mortifying and pitiful. Here he was, pining over a boy who he thought only liked girls, but all this time, Renjun. . .

No, it didn’t mean he would ever be Renjun’s type anyway. Not him, when Renjun’s only ever been intimidated by him in the past and now only sees him as a friend. 

When Jeno hears the door of the apartment close, he changes into his house clothes, picking up the first shirt and baggy shorts he could find. Then, he exits his room to talk to Renjun. His heart is drumming in his chest. His ears are in sync with the rhythm. Jeno is never really one for unnecessary confrontations. But this seems like he needed to know if what he saw wasn’t just a figment of his imagination. 

As he returns to Renjun’s room, Renjun has a shirt on this time and looks equally nervous confronting Jeno. He’s sitting on his bed, fidgeting while his eyes focus on his fingers. 

“I—” Renjun bites his lower lip, his voice small, “I didn’t want you to find out that way. . .”

“So, you. . .” Jeno begins awkwardly, “like boys?” 

“Yes. I like both. But I lean towards boys,” Renjun is more sure of himself this time. It’s like he mustered up enough courage in that short amount of time to stand firm with his confession, no matter what Jeno says. “So if you’re not comfortable with it, you have to deal with it because that’s really just how I am, and I can’t change that.” 

It startles Jeno that Renjun would think that he wouldn’t be okay with it. He has half a mind to tell Renjun that he’s been crushing on him for years, what did he take Jeno for? But he doesn’t. He reels it in. 

Again, rationally, Renjun liking boys doesn’t mean Renjun likes or will like him. It doesn’t work that way. He’d only be compromising whatever friendship they had. 

“I’m okay with it, you know?” Jeno replies, “I was just surprised is all. Moreso with coming home to see you sucking face.” 

Renjun covers his face with his hands, obviously mortified. Jeno sits beside Renjun on the bed, before drawing Renjun closer to him. 

Despite years of denying that he likes hugs, Jeno has become more open to it, albeit not verbally. He just does it out of habit. His arms circle around Renjun’s slim waist; Renjun leans in, snug in his embrace. 

“I’m sorry for walking in on you before you can get any action,” Jeno snorts. 

Renjun elbows him in the stomach half-heartedly, making Jeno laugh. 

“It’s okay. He was just a one-night stand sort of deal anyway,” Renjun says. 

“Does anybody else know? That you like boys?” 

“I think Jaemin has an idea. But I haven’t explicitly told him that I’ve been dating them or trying to date them.”

“Oh,” is all Jeno can say. So, technically, by that explanation, Jeno is the first. 

“Please don’t tell anyone yet,” Renjun pleads. 

“I’d never. Don’t worry.” 

“Okay, thank you, Jeno.” 

Jeno can’t erase the bitter feeling that’s still lingering within him, knowing someone had tasted Renjun’s lips. Someone had Renjun underneath them, pliant and needy. He hates the thought of it. 

But the plus side is that he’s the one who has Renjun in his arms. He’s the one in Renjun's bed, holding him close as they fall asleep. 

Perhaps this was his little consolation. 

“Hey, Jeno, I’m curious.”

“Mm?” Jeno’s almost asleep when he hears Renjun whisper.

“I thought you were going to sleep at your parents’ place for a bit. Why did you come home?” 

You. He wanted to say. Despite being half-asleep, he still had a sense of self-preservation and rational thinking. 

“I just. . . felt like sleeping here. I’m more comfortable with my room here now anyways,” Jeno says. 

🪐

After finding out Renjun’s inclinations towards guys, Jeno seems to suffer a bit more. Like Jaemin, Renjun seems to be more open about exploring people, even if it wasn't going to lead to any long-term commitments. 

Jeno basically knows one member from each boy group because Renjun has been meeting them and going on late-night dates with them, and it stresses him out because he’s not supposed to feel any sort of way about it. 

But he does. And it doesn’t help that he and Renjun live and work together. 

“Soobin and I are meeting up again,” Renjun says nonchalantly while it was only the two of them in the waiting room of a photoshoot.

Jeno’s heart sinks. This is Renjun’s second date with Soobin. He keeps count of the number of dates Renjun has been on with the guys he talks about with Jeno. He tallies it in his head because he just wants to keep track of all the things that Renjun tells him, just so he can have someone to support him while he’s still exploring his own sexuality. 

But Jeno is very close to offering himself to be that sacrifice for exploration. To be Renjun’s willing victim as he learns what he wants and how he wants things to be done intimately. 

However, his rational brain keeps telling him to abort those thoughts because it won’t end well for him, and it’s enough to keep him at bay. 

“You must like him.”

“He’s nice. Very handsome, too. Tall and sweet. I don’t know. I’m just seeing where it goes.” 

“Oh. Okay, just make sure you don’t get caught,” Jeno replies. He’s completely mastered the art of the poker face while he’s seething inside. 

“Jeno.”

“Yeah?” He doesn’t dare look at Renjun. He never does when he lies, thinking that if Renjun sees him, reads him like a book, he’s a goner. 

“Thank you for always listening to me about these things. I think talking to you like this has made me closer to you than I ever have before. So it makes me kind of happy.” 

Jeno glances in Renjun’s direction and sees a smile on his lips. His flawless cheeks curve at the side, making it look as soft as a plum from Jeno’s angle, and Renjun’s eyes are so so earnest, twinkling brighter than any star. It ignites something in Jeno that only Renjun could ever do to him. He’s not good when it comes to these things. Talking about his feelings. Not in a sense Renjun ever is, and it gets a bit frustrating despite accepting it a long time ago. 

“It’s the least I can do, I guess,” Jeno shrugs. The reply is bland. Not even scratching the surface of how he actually feels overjoyed that Renjun opens up to him like this, and not a lot of people have access to it. 

Renjun’s words that reassure him that Jeno holds a special place in his heart become the ointment that relieves the pain for when Renjun goes off later tonight to meet someone else. 

The night Renjun and Soobin were planning to meet, Jeno joins Renjun as he heads out. Jeno tells Renjun that he’s going to the supermarket to buy snacks, so he’d be going the same way. He separates with Renjun at the cafe just a few blocks ahead, where Soobin, he assumes, was waiting for him. 

For some reason, Jeno couldn’t stop his curiosity. He wants to see it for himself. Does Renjun really like him? He’s seen Renjun a couple of times with the guys and girls that he’s dated. He was always polite around them, his hidden flirty side around, too. There was also his usual warm presence and friendly gestures that always make them still want to be on good terms with him even if they don’t really work out in the end. Typically, it was because of busy schedules, or they just weren’t compatible enough. 

Jeno hides behind the shelter of a bus stop as he watches them from afar. Soobin is towering over Renjun, showing a dimpled smile as Renjun smiles back at him in greeting. Soobin’s hand is resting on Renjun’s back as they walk inside the restaurant, all giggles and chatter. 

Jeno feels stupid. He already knew what to expect when he followed Renjun. And yet, he can’t help but feel something coil inside of him. Trickles of envy in his heart as he sees Renjun with someone else. 

He eventually snaps out of it and heads in the direction of the supermarket. There was no use dwelling in his jealousy. He just swallows it down, takes it in, and forgets it’s there. 

Like he always does. 

🪐

Jeno knows that Renjun’s flings don’t last long. Most of them end on good terms. Soobin is one of them, he hears. But Jeno is just relieved that Renjun says he’s taking a break from dating now because maybe it’s just not for him these days. 

He knows it’s selfish to be relieved. Jeno knows that Renjun deserves all the love that he gives to the world. But he just can’t help it. Though he can’t express it, he wants to be the one doing all those things, be the recipient of his love, too. He wants to have parts of Renjun that no one else has. 

But he continues to let it sit inside of him, never to be revealed. Not yet. Not when there’s too much to lose. He likes the comfort of his secret, and the comfort of his and Renjun’s friendship being in a really good place. Expressing his feelings will ultimately compromise that, and it will be overwhelming for him to handle. 

🪐

“Hey, Jeno.”

Jeno and Donghyuck are in the practice room waiting for the members. The other members of their unit are in the cafeteria getting food and drinks while Donghyuck and Jeno stay behind to play a game on their mobile phones. 

The practice room is dim apart from the light that comes out of the slits between the blinds, and the fluorescent lighting downcast on the speakers. The sound of their game echoes and Jeno doesn’t respond to Donghyuck calling his name until the third try.

“What.”

“Just curious,” Donghyuck pauses for a bit as he taps his phone screen to eliminate the opponent before getting to his point.

“What is it?” The in-between silence is beginning to annoy Jeno. It often irks him when Donghyuck sparks his curiosity only to keep him guessing. 

“So, like-” He pauses and does a silent cheer when he manages to defeat his opponent before continuing, “So, do you like anyone? Asking for a friend.” 

“No,” Jeno lies, “Who’s that friend?” 

“Hey, you have your secrets. I have mine.” 

“I’m not interested in dating anyone,” Jeno taps his phone screen repeatedly until the game ends in his and Donghyuck’s victory. 

“Hasn’t it been years since you last dated? Aren’t you interested even just a little bit?”

“In getting caught by weirdos or the tabloids? No.” 

“My friend is pretty cute though. Slim, dainty, talented, and the most precious thing in the world.”

“Even if that were the President’s daughter, I would still not be interested.” 

“Huh. Sad,” Donghyuck shrugs, “Your loss.” 

And Donghyuck doesn’t press further on the conversation. They go for another round and focus solely on their game. However, at the back of Jeno’s mind, he can’t really help but wonder who the person Donghyuck is referring to. Donghyuck’s connections in and beyond the company are pretty wide, so it could definitely be anyone. 

Best to just leave it be and not give anyone any ideas anyway, just to save them time and effort. 

🪐

Jeno’s at his parents' house on his week off when he suddenly receives a phone call from Renjun. He had just finished dinner with his family when his phone suddenly rings and Renjun’s name flashes on his phone screen. 

“Hello?” 

“Hyung?” Renjun’s voice is groggy like he had been drinking alcohol. 

“Renjun? I think you got the wrong number.” 

“Jeno?” There’s a pause on the line, “Fuck, I’m sorry. I was supposed to call Manager hyung-”

“Wait, where are you? Are you drinking?” Jeno asks, worried. He remembers Renjun saying that he couldn’t go home this time, too, because he had schedules planned a few days later. Chenle, on the other hand, flew back 3 days ago. 

Renjun said that he was fine before Jeno left their apartment, but Jeno could catch the sadness in his eyes as he tries to muster up the smile. 

It’s been a year since he hasn’t been home. Jeno knows it’s taking a toll on him somehow, despite talking to his parents at least 5 times a week through video calls. It’s different, he knows. And Renjun is too prideful to tell him, Jisung, or Jaemin anything. 

“I’m fine. I’m at a restaurant. There are partitions and stuff, so other people won’t see me look pathetic. It’s okay, Jeno.” 

“Tell me where you are,” Jeno’s tone is firm. Renjun pauses over the line. It takes a few, “I’m okay. Just let me call Manager hyung instead,” until Renjun finally caves and answers Jeno. 

Luckily, it’s a place where they frequent, so he can get to Renjun easily. 

“Wait for me there. I’ll be the one taking you home.” He doesn’t wait for Renjun to reply and immediately ends the call. 

Jeno tells his parents that there’s an emergency and that Renjun needs help with something. 

His mother asks him what was wrong and if it was anything serious. Jeno reassures her that it’s not anything serious, but he’ll be staying at the dorm for a day or two before he can come back home. 

He hails a taxi just in time and climbs in, telling the driver the location of the restaurant. Jeno contacts Renjun again, and on the third ring, Renjun picks up.

“Hello?” 

“Renjun, are you still at the restaurant?”

“Yeah. I paid the bill already. The Auntie here helped me with the cash and stuff. I don’t know if I can walk though.”

“Renjun!” Jeno groans, frustrated. How can Renjun be so reckless? It was unlike him to be this way , “Fuck, why couldn’t you just drink at home for fuck’s sake?”

Renjun’s voice cracks over the line, “It’s lonely there.” 

Jeno’s heart constricts at the reply. He’s still frustrated, sure. Annoyed that Renjun would even risk his career and hard work over this. 

“Just wait for me, okay?” Then, Jeno ends the call.

When the cab finally stops at the location, he tells the driver to wait for him and steps out of the car. He enters the restaurant and asks one of the staff members about Renjun. Description: young man, kind of drunk, kind of slim, probably wearing glasses?

The staff member immediately knows who he’s talking about and leads him to the station where Renjun is. 

Renjun is resting his head on the table, passed out. There were empty bottles of soju and beer in front of him. Jeno lightly shakes Renjun awake. 

“Jun?” 

Renjun gets up, eyes squinting as he looks up at Jeno, “I’m sorry,” he mumbles. 

The sight of Renjun so sad and drunk adds another dagger to Jeno’s heart. If he could, he’d do whatever it takes to take the loneliness away. He’d give the world to prevent the frown on Renjun’s lips, take away the glassiness of his eyes as tears threaten to fall. 

“Come on, Renjun. Let’s go home,” Jeno supports Renjun as Renjun tries to get up from his seat and stand straight. Renjun circles an arm around Jeno’s neck while Jeno rests his hand on Renjun’s back to hold him steady as they walk to the exit. Before they leave, Jeno thanks the staff members for taking care of Renjun, and they give him a slight nod and a polite smile in return. 

It was a bit of a struggle getting to the taxi. Somehow, Renjun is heavier than he looked. 

He opens the door of the cab, letting Renjun climb in carefully before following after him. 

During the ride back to their apartment, Renjun rests his head on Jeno’s shoulder. 

“I’m sorry again for troubling you,” Renjun tells him.

Jeno heaves a sigh, “It’s okay.” Then, they’re silent for the rest of the ride. 

By then, Renjun manages to sober up enough that he can walk straight as they head to their apartment. Renjun insists that Jeno can just go back home to his parents’ place, and he can handle it from here. However, Jeno wasn’t going to leave Renjun yet after his whole ‘lonely’ confession, so he insists on staying. 

They change into their house clothes as soon as they arrive, and Jeno doesn’t even bother asking permission to sleep in Renjun’s room. It wasn’t like it was anything out of the usual in their friendship. They share beds sometimes without batting an eye. Of course, at first, it made Jeno’s heart race. He couldn’t sleep the whole night. 

But eventually, he gets used to it when it becomes a frequent occurrence. Hence, he is in Renjun’s bed, sleeping beside the owner with the guise of friendly teasing. 

“I told you,” Renjun tells him, “I’m okay now. You can sleep in your own room.”

“Are you sure you’re not going to cry yourself to sleep because you’re lonely?” Jeno chuckles. 

Renjun grunts, “I said I can handle it.” 

“Renjun, I was just kidding. Let’s just sleep, alright? You must be tired anyway.” 

They turn their backs against each other. It’s easier for Jeno this way, of course. But he likes the warmth of Renjun’s back against his. It’s become something comforting for him whenever they had to share a bed. 

“Jeno?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Thank you again for tonight. I’m sorry you had to come and get me when you were supposed to stay at your parents’ house. It’s been a while since you stayed with them. I know that you stay here most of the time because you’re used to or you get lazy to go back home, but your presence here always makes it less lonely.” 

Jeno can feel Renjun shift on his side of the bed, turning to where he is. He twists his body and sees Renjun whose gaze is fixed on him. The flush of the alcohol is now gone, but the strong scent still lingers, mixed with Renjun’s usual perfume. Jeno fully turns to face Renjun. He can feel a lump on his throat, trying to form the words to reply. 

“No, if it’s you. I’ll always come,” Jeno says. It takes a while for him to realize what he had just said. By then, it was too late for him to take it all back, and the whole realization makes the temperature rise in his skin. 

Renjun seems to be equally shocked by the response. They hold each other’s gaze for a quiet moment. Jeno’s ears ring, and his chest beats in a neverending thrum as Renjun is there, looking at him. Only him.  

And he doesn’t know if this is real or not, but Renjun seems to be getting closer and closer. Jeno eyes Renjun’s lips without thinking. They look so soft. He’s always wondered what it felt like on his. If he starts getting a taste of it, would he even be able to stop? 

No. He probably wouldn’t. And that would be a problem. Because Renjun probably still has alcohol in his veins and he probably won’t remember this in the morning. Jeno would rather save himself the heartache or the headache from that sort of possibility. 

When Renjun is just literally a breath away, Jeno turns his head in a different direction, biting his lip. 

“Hey, I’m getting sleepy. So, uhm, good night,” Jeno says. He doesn’t bother looking at Renjun’s expression afterward and turns to fully face the wall. 

This is for the best. He repeats in his head. But fuck, Renjun was really trying to kiss him? Him? Jeno lets out the breath he’s been holding for a while and tries his best to sleep the thoughts (regrets) away. 

If he could. 

🪐

Renjun and Jeno don’t address what happened between them the day after. . .

Or the days after that. 

The company finally announces that they would be going on tour, so they had tons of things to prepare. It was enough to keep Jeno busy and avoid being confronted by Renjun about it. Practice, packing their stuff, and then meetings. Then, there were fan events, too. It kept his mind preoccupied, and if he did have to think or interact with Renjun at some point, it was more professional and friendly. Nothing out of the ordinary. 

This is fine , Jeno thinks. It’s fine if it remains like this. 

🪐

Jeno is used to going from one country to another, another city, another hotel. By now, he’s grown accustomed to being roommates with any of his members. However, he’s always on his guard whenever he’s chosen to be Renjun’s roommate since their previous incident.

But the atmosphere of a luxe hotel room in another country is enough to fuel his fantasies of taking Renjun out on these sorts of dates. In his fantasies, he brings Renjun out to somewhere fancy, watch the city skyline, enjoy a bottle of wine, the works. 

Truth be told, he and Renjun are , in fact, enjoying a glass of wine, which they ordered from the hotel staff, as they watched the third Avengers movie on their hotel room’s flatscreen television. 

But Renjun seems to be testing his ability to reel his feelings in by being touchy for most of the night. Sometimes, he would brush his shoulder against Jeno’s, place his hand on Jeno’s lap, and even lean rest his head on Jeno’s shoulder.

It’s not like Renjun hasn’t done this before. But this time, it was different. Jeno has been avoiding him since they almost kissed and when Renjun is getting all touchy like this, Jeno feels like he’s going to lose his mind. 

But again, Master’s in the degree of the poker face, Lee Jeno. He can do this. He can survive through the night unscathed. 

“Tony Stark is pretty hot,” Renjun sighs. 

“Huh,” is all Jeno manages to say, “Is this why we’re watching Avengers? So you can ogle at Tony Stark?” 

“There’s Peter Parker, too.” 

“You can look at Mark and maybe that’s the same thing.” 

Renjun rolls his eyes and sips his glass of wine, “You and your snarky remarks. Can’t I admire men in peace?”

“I’m trying to watch this for the action, please.” 

Then, they stay silent for a while. The movie is at its climax. 

Jeno has seen the third Avengers movie once, but he tries to stay fully invested in the action scenes that take place. It’s explosions and adrenaline, all the things he loves in movies. It’s simply an adrenaline rush to him without the effort. Horror movies are the same way with him, too. He sips his wine every now and then, while his eyes are glued on the screen.

When suddenly…

“Damn, it’s been a while since I got laid,” Renjun says out of the blue. 

And it catches Jeno’s attention. He turns to Renjun, looking all innocent like it was nothing. Like he wasn’t tinkering with something he shouldn’t. 

They’re alone. In a hotel room. Usually, when Renjun brings this up, he’s with their other friends. No filter on their dating lives. No cameras around to stop them from wanting to date or have casual arrangements with other people. They’d suggest hooking up with someone or trying dating again. The usual stuff. Something Jeno simply stays quiet on and listens to because he’s barely dated anyone since his trainee days. 

But now, it was just Renjun and Jeno. Renjun saying it to Jeno. And for some reason, a teeny part of Jeno wonders if Renjun wants him to do something about it. 

But fuck, Jeno is at his wit’s end, and his third glass of wine wasn’t really helping him hold back. 

“So?” Jeno says, “Weren’t you the one who said that dating isn’t for you?”

“Yeah, but you know,” Renjun just shrugs and doesn’t continue, so Jeno doesn’t really get what he’s implying now. 

“What?”

“You know, I guess I just miss it? Maybe I’m just touch-starved, who knows?” 

Touch-starved? What did that even mean? Jeno just stares at him wordlessly, waiting for Renjun to continue explaining. But Renjun stares back at him, lower lips jutted, eyes glassy. Renjun places his glass on the bedside table and lies down on the bed again, facing Jeno. The movie is still playing but Jeno and Renjun’s eyes are focused on each other. Jeno can feel his heart racing against his chest, his mind going on overdrive. 

“Jeno.”

“Yeah?” 

“You can decline and forget this ever happened, okay? Say it’s just the alcohol talking or whatever but. . .” Renjun pauses.

Jeno grows nervous. He doesn’t know why.

But when Renjun continues, he concludes that his sixth sense was really trying to tell him something.

“Can I kiss you?”

And something in Jeno snaps. Was this a dream? Was the wine too strong? Why is Renjun asking him if he wants to kiss him? He feels like he’s fifteen again, from the memory he repressed, standing in the hallways of the company and completely speechless when breathing next to his crush. 

No, crush is an understatement. His feelings for Renjun are way past that stage. 

He’s the boy that Jeno has loved for so long. 

“K-kiss?” Jeno repeats, stuttering. He feels so lame, so out of his element. 

And yet, Renjun is just there in front of him, his cheeks flush from the alcohol but looking unfazed as ever. He doesn’t know what he does to Jeno in all the ways Jeno is trying to avoid. Perhaps Renjun has had practice from all the people he’s dated in the past. 

But to Jeno, there was only Renjun, so it was unfair that he had the upper hand in all this. 

“I take that it’s a no?”

“No!” Jeno immediately says. He didn’t think it through. For once, he didn’t when it came to Renjun, “I mean, yes, I mean—” For fuck’s sake, he’s a mess. 

Renjun sits up and scoots closer to Jeno. He can smell a mix of wine, hotel soap, and milk shampoo on Renjun, making his head spin. Again, it can be frustrating for Jeno to easily memorize a script for a job, even solve games that they have to do for content, but be unable to form any coherent thoughts that involve Renjun and the prospect of romance. 

“So? Can I kiss you or not?” Renjun asks, sounding impatient. 

“Yes, you can kiss me,” Jeno finally says. 

Renjun immediately closes the gap between them, latching his lips onto Jeno’s. The kiss is not like anything Jeno ever imagined. It’s a million times better. Renjun’s lips are as soft as he imagined. It’s innocent, sweet. Just a soft press of their lips, but Renjun leans away first, whispering, “Part your lips a little bit, Jeno.” 

The request makes his spine tingle. He does what he’s asked, and Renjun dips to kiss him again, open-mouthed this time, allowing Jeno to taste him. He tastes as sweet as the wine they had earlier. The smell, the taste, Renjun himself — it makes him feel light-headed. 

All the things that held him back before disappeared into oblivion. Just Renjun’s lips on his, his body pressed against Jeno’s, Renjun’s flickering tongue against his, sending another rush through his veins. It’s more intoxicating than anything he’s ever consumed. Jeno falls back on the bed with Renjun on top of him. 

This can’t be real , Jeno thinks. Renjun is smiling at him after kissing the fuck out of him. Him . He feels so vulnerable under his gaze. It’s so unnerving, and yet he doesn’t want it to stop. 

Renjun kisses him again with the same fervor; Jeno in his inexpert way tries to reciprocate, letting Renjun lead him through it. It still feels surreal for him to be on the receiving end of it, to be this close to Renjun, to have him like this. 

“I can’t believe you made me wait so long that I had to take matters into my own hands,” Renjun says. 

“What?” Jeno is still processing their kiss that Renjun’s words still don’t make sense to him. 

“Jeno, do you like me?” 

“I’m— uh. . .” The words somehow sober him up. He thought he was being subtle. He thought that there was no way that Renjun would look his way. And yet. . .

“You’re starting to make me think this was a mistake.”

“No!” Jeno shakes his head, “No, I’ve always liked you. I just, I never. . . Okay, I’ve never actually liked anyone before I liked you, okay? I know it sounds ridiculous to you, but it’s true. I even stopped dating or accepting confessions because I think it’s pointless. I’m not like you or Jaemin.” 

“Oh—”

“So, that’s why I’m a huge fucking mess, okay? I just didn’t want to ruin our friendship. I know you already thought I hated you before, and now that we’re in a really good place, I didn’t want to fuck it up by telling you I liked you, and you reject me.”

“Jeno,” Renjun says, “I like you, too. I mean, if it’s not obvious enough already.” 

“Well, you were… dating around. I didn’t think you were interested.”

“True enough, I did think that maybe dating around would help me lose interest in you, and we can just remain as friends. But now, I don’t know. I just can’t help it anymore. I feel like bursting with all these pent-up feelings I’ve had for you for a few years now, so I just said fuck it.”

Jeno can’t help but laugh. Leave it to Renjun to first take action, to act on his feelings first. But Jeno adores him. And now that everything is laid out all on the open, he feels a little weight off his shoulders. 

“Wait—” Something in Renjun’s words catches him belatedly by surprise, “For years?”

Renjun only giggles and returns to kissing him, letting the thought drift in the air, forgotten. 

🪐

Jeno always knew that if he finally got a free pass in kissing Renjun, he was never going to stop. 

It sounds about right. 

After the night in their hotel room, Jeno just can’t seem to get his hands off Renjun whenever they were alone. At the dorm when Jaemin and Jisung were out to meet their families. When the stylist paints Renjun’s face pretty and styles his hair a certain way, Jeno pulls him away in a secluded corner, just to kiss him dizzy and tell him how beautiful he looked. 

Being with Renjun, being loved by Renjun is simply more than anything he could have ever imagined. Jeno’s not the best kisser, Renjun confessed before. But Jeno is willing to learn, allowing Renjun to teach him all the ways he wants to be touched, kissed, and loved. 

With his feelings all out in the open, he can’t help but feel undeniably smitten than ever before. 

His new burst of love and passion comes with some childish jealousy, too, though; Whenever he sees Donghyuck or Jaemin get a little too handsy around Renjun, Jeno can’t help but pinch them afterward in the guise of a friendly prank. 

Renjun notices this though and only laughs at him after. He reprimands him every now and then, of course, reminding Jeno that Renjun was all his. But Jeno simply denies being jealous, telling Renjun that he was just annoyed at them at the moment. Renjun just so happened to be close to them a few minutes before. It makes Renjun laugh, and Jeno loves it when he does make Renjun laugh. The sound of it was as beautiful as when Renjun sings on stage. 

He can’t get enough. 

At this point, Jeno’s never really known what it was like to love someone this intensely. He was just glad that the person he fell in love with was someone as beautiful inside and out as Renjun.

🪐

They’re staying home watching a movie on their day off. It’s become a regular occurrence since then. Renjun is huddled up close to Jeno, his arm around Jeno’s waist while Jeno’s arm is around his shoulder. But when it gets boring in between, he and Renjun talk about anything and everything until it comes to the point where Renjun is straddling Jeno and they’re making out on the couch. 

Even if it’s been months since they’ve acknowledged their feelings for each other and started their whole intimate arrangement, it always feels fresh to Jeno. Perhaps it’s because he’s loved Renjun for so long and seen him date different guys before that he wants to make up for the lost time. 

Renjun giggles in between their kisses, telling Jeno how eager he is today. 

“I am? Maybe because it’s you,” Jeno replies. He’s never really good with words. Renjun knows this, too. They’ve talked about it before. But what Jeno lacks in words he speaks in actions, and Renjun has said it’s more than enough. 

Renjun says he’ll learn to read between the lines. 

“We’re never going to finish the movie,” Renjun whispers as Jeno trails kisses from his jaw to his neck. 

“It’s okay, we can watch it again soon,” Jeno hums.

Bang!

Jeno and Renjun jolt at the loud noise. They turn to the direction of the entrance where they see Jaemin standing in the living room, witnessing them. . .

In a compromising situation. Jaemin is completely frozen on the spot. 

And it was Renjun who was the first to speak, “Jaemin—”

“What the fuck—” Jaemin whined, running to the kitchen sink to wash his eyes. Renjun immediately scrambles off of Jeno and proceeds to where Jaemin is with Jeno behind him. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Jeno’s mind is reeling. He’s not ready to come out to Jaemin, not when he doesn’t even know if his best friend will still treat him the same way. 

“Couldn’t you guys at least do it in your fucking rooms? More importantly…” He turned the faucet off, then turned to Renjun and Jeno, “You guys are together?”

Renjun and Jeno are silent. Jaemin shoots Jeno a glare, making Jeno feel small. He knew it. He knew Jaemin wasn’t going to receive it well. Fuck, Jeno wasn’t prepared for the consequences of his own happiness yet. He’d been putting it in the backburner for so long and just indulged in his relationship with Renjun. But now, it was all backfiring and he can’t. . .

He can’t. . .

“And you, you call me your best friend but never told me about it?”

Oh? Oh .

“Look,” Jeno said, letting out a sigh. “I didn’t know how you were going to feel about it. I’m sorry, Jaemin. You, of all people…” The words are lost on him. 

So Jaemin wasn’t upset that Jeno liked boys. Rather, Jaemin was upset that Jeno didn’t mention he was dating anyone? Despite his relief, he can’t really wrap his head around it. 

Luckily, Renjun is speaking for him, “We’re sorry, Jaeminie. It’s not Jeno’s fault. He just wasn’t ready to tell you. He wasn’t ready to tell you guys yet because he was afraid he’d lose you guys. Please, he’s still trying to figure things out. We both are.”

Jaemin’s expression shifted from annoyance to concern. 

Jeno can’t help but feel embarrassed in thinking his best friend wouldn’t accept him. He’s been with Jaemin the longest and the most, so it was stupid of him to think Jaemin would love him any less because of this. It’s just now that it dawned on him. 

“It’s okay,” Jaemin pulled both Jeno and Renjun for a hug, “I’m sorry. But always know I’d never judge you both for who you love, okay?” 

He pulled away, so he could properly look at both of them. “I could never.”

Relief. Happiness. The overwhelming feeling of acceptance from the people Jeno loves the most. It makes Jeno all teary-eyed. Of course, Jeno knows he not only lucked out on a pretty boy who loves him just as much as he does. But he also had a best friend who was his ride or die no matter what. 

“Jeno, you’ll always have a friend in me, okay? No matter what. Even if you turn out to be a furry,” Jaemin jokes, making Jeno slap his arm with a scowl on his face. Renjun was wiping the tears off his face while laughing as well.

Jaemin tapped Renjun’s cheek and says with a smile, “And you too, of course.”

They spend the whole night talking on the couch, catching Jaemin up on their relationship. It was then that they learned about Jaemin’s feelings for Mark, too. 

In all the years that Jeno worried about what his friends thought if they knew he liked guys, confessing it to Jaemin gave him a sense of relief. It was like everything else was falling into place.

🪐

A couple of weeks after they told Jaemin about their relationship, Jeno asks Renjun when they would tell their other members. They were at the dorm on their day off while Jisung was out with Jaemin buying food at the supermarket. Mark, Chenle, and Donghyuck were going to come over for dinner - a little get-together Renjun asked for because he liked it when they met up to eat every once in a while outside of schedules. 

“Are you sure?” Renjun asks, concerned, “We can always do it when you’re ready, you know? When you’re more comfortable with it?” 

Another thing he loves about Renjun is that he keeps up with Jeno’s pace in the relationship. He never pushes. Renjun is always eager to ask Jeno if he’s ready for certain things and allows Jeno to go at his own pace. Knowing Renjun is always reachable in their relationship always makes him feel at ease. It’s something only one can ever hope for in love, and he has it in Huang Renjun. 

“Yeah,” Jeno kisses the back of Renjun’s hand, “I’m ready to tell them. Just stay with me, okay?” 

“Of course, I will, silly. Not like I’ll ever feed you to the wolves all alone,” Renjun rolls his eyes, “We’re fighting the wolves together.” 

“I don’t think our friends are even the personification of wolves.”

“You’re right. Laughing hyenas then?” 

Their friends are more than accepting of their relationship when they announce it after dinner. Jisung comments about how Jeno has been making it obvious every now and then, but he didn’t comment on it because he was worried Jeno might be uncomfortable about it. Chenle shares the same sentiment. 

Donghyuck stands from his seat pointing a finger at Jeno, “I knew it! You told me you weren’t interested in dating. I was going to hook you up with Renjun.”

“Renjun?” Jeno is all confused. He turns to Renjun, waiting for him to explain. But Renjun only smiles at him awkwardly.

“Okay, so like Renjun mentioned in passing to me while we were drunk one night that he had a big fat crush on you,” Donghyuck explains on Renjun’s behalf. 

“Wait, Donghyuck knew you like guys, too?” It’s very much news to Jeno because he always believed that he was the only one who knew. 

“I accidentally told him while we were drunk and then-”

“And then, Renjun said he’s been in love with you since you guys lived together,” Donghyuck continues for him. 

“Oh my gosh, shut up!” Renjun forcibly covers Donghyuck’s mouth with his hand to stop talking. Everyone else howls in laughter at the revelation. Jeno is simply just stunned at the new information. 

Renjun has liked him for that long? He just couldn’t believe it. 

Of all the years he’s been with Renjun, been in love with Renjun, all this time he’s been in love with Jeno?

“I bet you got impatient and asked Jeno out first yourself because he’s such a slowpoke at romance,” Jaemin says. 

“Hey!” Jeno complains. But he doesn’t comment further because technically, that was true. Renjun did make the first move after all. 

“Well, at least you guys are happy,” Mark tells them, “That’s all that counts.” 

🪐

“Hey, Jeno?” 

For Renjun’s birthday, Jeno managed to reserve a hotel for them to stay in during the weekend. Since their schedule was full on the actual day of Renjun’s birthday, Jeno decided to celebrate early with just the two of them. 

They’ve just finished eating at the hotel’s buffet, and now they’re just lying down, enjoying the hotel’s comfortable, expensive mattress while holding each other close. 

It’s nice. Having a whole place all to themselves is nice. 

“Yes?” 

“Are you. . .my boyfriend?” 

Jeno sits up from the bed, then turns to Renjun, looking for any hints of playfulness on his face. However, there was none. Renjun is serious.

“What do you mean?” 

“Well, I mean you didn’t officially ask me or anything. You just. . .you know, went ahead and kiss me almost every day and then we cuddle. Not that I’m complaining, but we haven’t really labeled it officially.”

“Do you hear yourself, Huang Renjun?” Jeno replies, flabbergasted, “I literally kiss you every day. Tell you that I love you, and you think I’m not your boyfriend? Do I look like I just kiss anyone who is not my boyfriend?”

Renjun bursts into laughter, which annoys Jeno all the more because all this time, he didn’t think Jeno was his boyfriend. After all the things they said to each other, do to each other, Renjun hasn’t been running around labeling Jeno as his boyfriend. That sucked. Real bad. 

“Hey, hey! Jeno,” Renjun sits up, cooing, circling his arms around Jeno’s waist while Jeno ignores him, “I’m sorry, okay? I was just clarifying. You are, okay? You’re my boyfriend. Gosh, you’re such a big baby.” 

“You just thought of me as a fuck buddy is that it?” 

“No!” Renjun laughs some more. He kisses Jeno’s cheeks, his jaw, his lips, hoping to soothe Jeno’s visible bitterness, “No, you’re my boyfriend.” Renjun looks at Jeno straight in the eyes, and oh gosh , it is lethal. It’s enough to melt the annoyance away. 

He can never really stay mad at Renjun for too long. 

“We’re boyfriends, okay?” Renjun says one more time.

“I already knew that,” Jeno says, grinning, “Now, who’s the one who needs to catch up, huh?”