Work Text:
"Dazai-san, I've completed the mission"
"How long did it take?"
"A few hours, plus paperwork."
Dazai stared down at him, a complex expression on his face that made him shiver. The disappointment in Dazai's eyes cut through him like a knife, causing him to swallow hard, trying to steady his nerves. Dazai sighed and reached out, before abruptly taking the documents from his hands. Dazai clicked his tongue in disapproval and spoke, "Wrong, wrong, wrong. This shit took you a few hours?" Dazai's voice was filled with frustration and irritation.
A cold sweat ran down his spine, but he forced himself to keep his head up and his hands behind his back. "I-It was a long mission," he stammered, his voice betraying his nervousness.
"No excuse." Dazai retorted, his voice laced with disappointment. He reached into his pocket and pulled out something that Akutagawa couldn't see until it was right in front of him—a gun. his breath caught in his throat. "Why do you take so long, hm?"
"I..." Akutagawa's voice trailed off, unable to find the right words to defend himself.
"Are you stupid? Or do you simply not want to do your work?" Dazai's words pierced through him like daggers. "Do you want to be a disappoiment?"
"N-No, sir..."
Dazai stared at him for a few seconds, his gaze filled with a mixture of emotions before he unexpectedly sighed and closed his eyes, avoiding eye contact. Just then, he felt a hand fall his shoulder, a touch that was almost comforting...
He opened a single eye and met Dazai's sad smile. The gun pressed against his neck sent a chill down his spine, making it harder for him to breathe. "Why can't you just be more like Atsushi-kun?" Dazai whispered, his voice laced with disappointment, with every word he pushed the gun deeper into his skin. "Atsushi-kun is a good kid, the kind that saves others. He is kind, selfless... All the things you aren't."
He swallowed hard, his heart pounding in his chest. He closed his eyes and silently waited for whatever punishment awaited him.
"Why can't you be what I want you to be...?!" Dazai spoke, his voice suddenly growing harsher, louder... scarier... "You're nothing!" He screamed into his ear, the gun suffocating him slowly. "Look at me, are you anything but a disappoiment?!"
Akutagawa Ryuunosuke's eyes flew open, filled with fear as he stared into Dazai's intense gaze. He saw the disgust and disappointment etched on Dazai's face, and then, without warning, a gunshot rang out, and everything went dark.
Akutagawa jolted awake, drenched in a cold sweat. His chest ached, and he struggled to catch his breath as he sat up, gripping the bedsheets tightly in his trembling hands. He took a deep, shuddering breath and closed his eyes, trying to calm the rapid beating of his heart
He reached for the glass of water on his bedside table and took a sip, hoping to soothe his parched throat. Rubbing his eyes, he tried to shake off the intense emotional weight lingered in his chest which seemed to refuse to dissipate.
Akutagawa swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sat there, quietly looking around his bedroom, gathering his thoughts for a moment before he sighed loudly. He stood up and moved his courtains a few centimeters, looking outside for a few moments before letting go of the fabric. It was still dark outside, and if he had to guess, around 3 am. He blinked a couple of times and shook his head; sleep was unlikely now, but that was nothing new.
Akutagawa picked a fresh set of clothes from his closet and hugged them closer to his chest for a moment. He had to get away, if he were to stay any longer he would most likely be crushed and suffocate in the darkness of his own room. Taking a deep breath, he changed into the clean clothes and left his pijamas forgotten on the floor, determined to get away from whatever was haunting him tonight.
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
As Akutagawa stepped out the door, he was surprised to see Gin on the other side, opening the door at the same time as Akutagawa. Her clothes were stained with dried blood as the scent of death lingered on her skin and her eyes looked distant, cloudy with murder. They exchanged gazes, noticing the exhaustion and turmoil in each other's faces, but neither could find the motivation to speak a single word. They nodded silently to each other, silently acknowledging the weight they carried before parting ways, Akutagawa walking out and Gin inside.
The hand on his shoulder was almost comforting...
He lived near the Port Mafia headquarters and there was no other place he could really think of going. The chilly night air wrapped around Akutagawa as he made his way to the intimidating buildings, ignoring the drunk people sleeping on the streets with their belly's out, or the homeless children, cuddling together trying to maintain any source of heat closer to them. He didn't even acknowledge the loud shiver of their teeth, or their trembling and dark eyes that somehow seemed to be calling for him. Calling for help.
Arriving at the building, he strolled through the bustling building with his usual impassive expression firmly in place as low ranking members ran through the hallways. Akutagawa, in the midst of chaos, stopped a member of the Black Lizard who seemed in a hurry.
"Hey, you," Akuatagawa called. The man immediately stopped in his feet and turned towards him, bowing respectfully before Akutagawa. "What's all the commotion?"
The man coughed lightly and spoke, the frustration evident in his tone. "Nakahara-san is angry..."
Ah, Chuuya.
Akutagawa dismissed the man with a nod as he made his way into his office, settling on his chair and leaning back wearely. If he had to guess, Chuuya probably crossed paths with Dazai during his mission and of course it was up to Akutagawa to calm his stupid childish temper... but he wouldn't.... yet. Akutagawa wasn't even on working hours right now, and hell, if anything, calming Chuuya down had to be another excecutive's job, or even the boss'! But it should not be Akutagawa's responsibility!
But, of course, it was always Akutagawa left to deal with Dazai's antics. Whether he was inside or outside the mafia was clearly unimportant.
Are you stupid? Or do you simply not want to do your work?
The memories of Dazai's venomous words from his nightmare resurfaced and forced a shiver down Akutagawa's spine. He leaned back on his chair as he covered both of his eyes wit his forearm, clenching his teeth. He was suddenly back into that scenario, with Dazai's hatred-filled gaze looking down on him while a gun pointed to his forehead. His blood started boiling, and his heartbeat was loud on his ears. The gaze in front of reminding him the way he must keep seeking for his approval, that even if he dies, he must get it.
He was forced out of his thoughts when the the door to his office swung open abruptly, startling Akutagawa. He turned his head to find Chuuya barging in, a storm of anger etched on his face.
"Stupid, Akutagawa-kun, it is stupid!" Chuuya complained entering the office uninvited and slamming the door behind him.
Akutagawa coughed lightly, trying to regain his composure. "What is it?" he asked, his voice betraying a hint of fatigue.
"That idiot that wears bandages everywhere!" He fumed, his frustration palpable as he sat on the red sofa next to the wall
"Dazai-san?" Akutagawa asked, his voice cracking slightly. He quickly cleared his throat, hoping that Chuuya hadn't noticed.
"Don't say his name on my presence!" Chuuya snapped. "He's a weakling, an annoyance, and worst of all a complete moron!"
"What did Daz- he do now?" he asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.
"Fucked up my mission, that's what! Using the stupid excuse of 'Oh Chuuya~, but I have to do my work as well~~!' as if he gives a damn about work! He never has!" Chuuya exclaimed, throwing his head back in frustration. "Fucking bastard..."
Akutagawa sighed softly as he observed Chuuya lose his cool and vent his frustrations. Everyone knew all too well the hatred between Chuuya and Dazai, and yet, there was also an undeniable connection between them. So geniune that no one even took their fights seriously anymore.
It was absolutely ridiculous, if you ask Akutagawa, to even pretend to be this angry over something no one believed anymore. Ignoring Chuuya's ongoing tirade, Akutagawa's mind wandered back to his own tormented memories. Dazai's disappointed frown and scathing words resurfaced, fueling the fire of his determination to prove himself. The intensity of his emotions threatened to overwhelm him, and he clenched his fists, digging his nails into his palms until blood trickled down.
"Hm." Akutagawa hummed absentmindedly. Chuuya looked like he was going to continue complaining about his previous partner, but he stopped himself, blinking a couple of times like he had remembered something.
"Wait... What the hell are you even doing here?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. Akutagawa bit his lower lip, and shrugged.
"Had nothing better to do." Akutagawa lied, his voice betraying a trace of vulnerability.
"Nothing better to do at 3 in the morning?" Chuuya said, not believing a single word he said. Akutagawa looked away, and Chuuya only stared for a few seconds, before sighing and turning around. "Well, whatever," He muttered while fixing his hat and standing up. "Oh, there's a new mission for you and the weretiger. Second cabinet."
Akutagawa opened his eyes wide, and immediately opened the second cabinet in his desk, noticing an unusual yellow folder in between his late paperwork. He took it in between his fingers, and opened it quietly, reading its insides as soon as he had the document in between his hands
"Y'know, you don't have to do every single one of those," Chuuya said, turning his head lightly as he stopped on the door. Akutagawa couldn't help but to glare at him, and Chuuya only sighed. "Suit yourself." he muttered before closing the door behind him with a quiet click.
Akutagawa didn't bother to think about Chuuya's words, as was left alone in his office. It was a scouting assignment, a task he had performed countless times before. As he read through the details, he felt his heart quicken, realizing that Dazai was trusting him with this task. The desire to prove himself, to meet Dazai's expectations, surged within him.
He must do this perfectly. No mistakes, no slips, no nothing. He will complete his mission, memorize every word in the report if necessary, and even work with the weretiger if needed. Akutagawa Ryuunosuke will not fail.
Dazai looked down on him, a disappointed frown on his face.
He can't afford to fail.
Akutagawa walked quietly to the designated meeting point, his eyes widening at the sight of his partner already seated, patiently awaiting his arrival. Nakajima Atsushi, Dazai's new protégé and star apprentice, sat with a distant gaze, facing forward on a wooden bench near the southern port.
He moved without haste, making his presence known only through the silent steps that echoed on the sidewalk, each one accompanied by a soft 'toc' sound as his boots met the concrete.
Atsushi turned his head lightly, and stared at Akutagawa, not moving in the slightest, silently waiting for him to be close enough for them to be able to have a conversation and discuss their mission.
Atsushi and Akutagawa's partnership was merely professional, they didn't discuss things outside of work, nor did they ask each other anything about their lives, simply got together, exchanged some kind of information, fought together if necessary, and then they left. No goodbyes, no see you laters, no words were exchanged beyond the silent nod of their heads, before they turned away and left.
After all, this alliance, of some sort, was temporally, working together only until Akutagawa gains Dazai's approval, fighting with each other only for six months; and having to deal with each other only until Akutagawa ultimately kills Atsushi.
Atsushi is a good kid, the kind that saves others...
Atsushi stood up, and walked in front of Akutagawa, extending his hand and offering a yellow envelope, similar to the one Akutagawa had on his hands. "New details, read it beforehand." Atsushi explained, shrugging. Akutagawa hummed lightly and grabbed it immediately, promptly opening it to read its contents.
The mission remained, in theory, a reconnaissance operation to investigate one of the Port Mafia's abandoned warehouses for illegal weapons or contraband jewelry. However, the updated instructions dictated that instead of searching for the items directly, they were to observe and wait for someone to enter or exit the warehouse before proceeding.
Akutagawa frowned at the new information. They were ordered to wait for the suspect to leave, allowing him to escape.
"Won't it be easier if we capture the suspect?" Akutagawa asked, raising an eyebrow; Atsushi shook his head and scratched the back of his neck
"Kunikida-san and Dazai-san are waiting nearby, they'll follow the suspect, in hopes of finding the hideout of the complete organization." Atsushi explained, deepedning Akutagawa's frown.
"Then... why am I here...?" Akutagawa asked, closing the document and staring directly into Atsushi's eyes, genuinely puzzled. "If there won't be any confrontation, why do they need me?"
Atsushi looked like he was draw back by the question, emitting a light hum in response. "I... don't know. You didn't seem so confused when you had the previous instructions, isn't it the same thing?"
Akutagawa shook his head, tightening his grasp on the sheet of paper, wrinkling its edge. "We weren't waiting for our target to leave," Akutagawa explained, his voice was trembling lightly, a tone unfamiliar to Atsushi. "There was a risk of a confrontation, a risk of a fight... Why am I here, if there is no risk of confrontation?"
"I..." Atsushi started, but Akutagawa interrupted him, his anger suddenly surging and wanting to take it out on someone, and that someone being Atsushi.
"To help the Agency do their fucking job? To search for things that might as well connect to my own organization...?" Akutagawa snapped, his fists trembling lightly. Atsushi opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, but once again, he was cut off before he could even say anything. "I'm not a detective, weretiger." Akutagawa reminded him, his voice trembling with rage.
He knew that it wasn't Atsushi's decision, that he probably didn't know the answer. That he was just following orders, just like himself.
Akutagawa gripped his teeth, and looked down. "I'm a mafioso..."
Atsushi blinked a couple of times, and then bit his lower lip. He averted his gaze and quietly stared at the distant horizon. "Will you leave, then?" Atsushi asked, not looking like he was planning to stop him if he did.
Akutagawa opened both of his eyes wide, and stared at the floor beneath his feet, frowning lightly. He opened his mouth, ready to answer. Ready to abandon this mission, ready to leave.
Why was he doing this, anyway? Like Chuuya said, he didn't have to keep doing this. Akutagawa was following orders, sure, but he wasn't supposed to take orders from Dazai.
Do you want to be a disappoiment?
He felt chills running down his spine as his determination to abandon the mission died immediately, his throat tightening and his tongue suddenly burning like fire with the weight of unspoken words.
He took a deep breath, and closed his eyes under Atsushi's curious yet serious gaze.
"I'll stay." He muttered under his breath. Atsushi stood quietly for a couple of seconds, and looked like he wanted to ask him something, but refrain from doing so, staying completely quiet. Finally, he nodded.
"Then let's go," Atsushi spoke, turning away from him, and walking ahead. "The objective is still some meters away." He reminded him.
Akutagawa watched Atsushi's back for a moment, then took a deep breath. Resolving himself, he started walking behind Atsushi.
Atsushi looked like he wanted to say something the whole time, but for some unknown reason to Akutagawa, he decided to stay quiet.
Akutagawa couldn't help attacking the man.
He knew his orders, and he also realized how utterly stupid it was, but he also knew the suspect, and he felt his blood boil when the man entered his sight.
Akutagawa wasn't known for interacting much with his subordinates, as he usually left that job for Higuchi, who did great in commanding the people under them, but he still made sure to learn everyone's names, and of course, the missions each Black Lizard member was deployed.
The man in front of him used to be one of his subordinates, under Gin's side of the Black Lizard, however, from what Akutagawa could gather from the reports and Gin's injuries after one particular mission, the man was a traitor.
Atsushi wasn't fast enough to stop him, and Akutagawa didn't lose time in jumping out of their hideout and summon Rashomon, his coat immediately turning into a fierce beast only fit for combat.
"Akutagawa...!" Atsushi yelled behind him, and Akutagawa gripped his teeth, not losing any time in grabbing the man by his neck and raising him up in the air, who struggled lightly, and let the suitcase he had on his hands fall into the concrete.
"You bastard...!" Akutagawa screamed to the man, who tried to grab the fabric around his neck with his hands, in vain.
"Akutagawa!" Atsushi screamed behind him, not caring anymore about the supposedly silent—and secret—mission. "Do not kill him...!"
Akutagawa clenched his teeth, and tightened his grip around the man's neck, and just a few seconds later, he fell into the ground, unconscious.
Atsushi ran to him, and threw a glare to Akutagawa, who had leaned down and breathed heavily, desperately trying to get oxygen into his lungs, that had suddenly emptied.
"Why the hell did you do that?!" Atsushi screamed at him, probably after checking that the man's pulse was still there. It didn't matter the situation; Akutagawa wasn't going to break his promise.
Akutagawa gathered enough energy to shot him a glare back, but couldn't find any words to answer, his breath getting heavier as he clenched tightly the fabric on top of his chest.
"The man is passed out, but he was close to dying!" Atsushi continued, but Akutagawa could barely register his words. "Do you really not care at all...?!"
Akutagawa wouldn't usually replied with a snarky comment, or a sarcastic reply, but instead, he felt blood pounding in his ears, and his heartbeat only seemed to get faster, and louder, and whenever he tried opening up his eyes, his vision was blurred, like he was looking through a fish-eye lens. He forced himself to close his eyes.
"Akutagawa...?"
Dazai stared down at him, a disappointed frown on his face that made him shiver in place
He could vaguely react to Atsushi's voice calling to him, and he hugged himself, digging his nails into his arms, focusing on his breathing. Breathing was difficult. He needed to breath, but it was hard. Dazai would be disappointed. He wasn't the weretiger. He was Akutagawa. And that was worst...
A soft hand slowly touched his shoulder, almost hesitant to call out, and he heard a voice. Atsushi's voice next to him. "You're having a panic attack," he murmured. "Here, follow me. Inhale..." he started, and Akutagawa tried his best to follow. "Exhale..."
Atsushi repeated the same words for a few seconds, and it seemed like it was slowly working. However, Akutagawa suddenly felt his throat tightening, and it was even harder for him to breath, and without helping it, he broke into a coughing fit.
"Akutagawa...!"
Akutagawa leaned forward almost immediately, and opened his eyes wide, making himself dizzy almost immediately as his eyes started watering while he coughed out blood.
By the time he could calm his coughing fit, Akutagawa was completely exhausted. There were tracks of tears on his cheeks, and his throat burned, his eyes fixated on the drops of blood staining the ground, a small frown on his face.
Atsushi stood in front of him, his raging eyes completely gone, replaced by a worried expression as he slowly extended his hand to try to help him get up.
He is kind, selfless... all the things you aren’t
Atsushi waited for Akutagawa to take his hand, who only stared at him, feeling like that must be it. Atsushi was able to forget the way he had ruined their mission in the span of just a few minutes, he was able to completely worry about someone else, even if they someone was Akutagawa.
Akutagawa stared at Atsushi's hand, and he tensed lightly, as if he had a heavy burden on his shoulder, and he slowly closed his eyes, defeated.
"Aku...tagawa...?" Atsushi asked nervously while Akutagawa stood up by himself, nor bothering in throwing him a simple gaze. "Hey, Akutagawa..."
"I'm... I'm leaving..." Akutagawa spoke, turning away. "Apologize to... him."
Atsushi shook his head lightly. "Are... are you okay...?" He asked, lowering his gaze and playing with his fingers.
Akutagawa stopped in place, and raised his head, staring at the night sky above his head. One moon, many stars... and nobody paid any attention to the darkness that surrounded it.
"Why wouldn't I be alright?" He laughed bitterly in between his teeth.
"I just... I'm sorry, I mean, I had never—" Atsushi interrupted himself, and bit his lower lip. Akutagawa sighed.
"You and I are different..." Akutagawa spoke slowly, not bothering on turning his head. "Hell raised you good... It taught you to save others... I, however..."
Akutagawa didn't finish, and he slowly shook his head, disregarding everything he had just said. He turned his head, and bowed lightly.
"Tell him I'm sorry for ruining the mission."
Akutagawa didn't wait for an answer, and he started walking away, not allowing himself to turn around and stared at Atsushi's expression behind him.
He didn't want that burden too.
What came after, was surprisingly simple. Ignoring the insistent texts from Dazai while working normally on the mafia, becoming the diablo was becoming easier than being Ryuunosuke.
Ignoring everything, not allowing himself to care. That was what he was taught, only caring about himself, following directions, almost like a dog. That was Akutagawa. He wasn't the tears that ran through his cheeks when he thought about his mentor. He wasn't the beating heart that accelerated when he was fighting, and he definitely wasn't the man that escaped that day under the fear of being looked with pity.
Akutagawa threw himself in his bed, and quietly laid down while staring at the ceiling. Nights were the worst. It allowed him to be alone, to be thinking, to find a way every time to make him hate himself.
However, today his thoughts were interrupted, as his phone started ringing almost immediately. Akutagawa knew who it was, but for once, allowed himself to answer.
"Hello? Oh, Akutagawa-kun, you finally picked up!" Dazai's voice said from the other side, Akutagawa turned in bed and coughed lightly.
"I've been busy, Dazai-san," he lied, knowing very well his excuses wouldn't work one bit against Dazai.
"Hm, I see..." Dazai continued, clearly not believing him. "Oh, well, whatever. Can I ask you something?"
No.
"Yes, sir."
"Why did you attack the man involved in the mission?" Dazai asked, raising an eyebrow. "I'm pretty sure I specified you two to let him get away."
Akutagawa bit his lip. "The man was a traitor to the mafia." He explained, gripping his fists. "He..." cough. "He caused deep injuries on my sister."
"Oh..." Dazai spoke, and Akutagawa didn't have to think hard to perfectly imagine Dazai's expression "that's a bit disappointing..."
Akutagawa's breath stopped for a second, and he sat down. "E-Excuse me...?"
"I don't know, I thought you'd learned to control your emotions by now..." Dazai murmured, almost as if talking to himself. "Atsushi-kun was very worried you know.... He's a good kid..."
Akutagawa couldn't find any words to say, his breath stopping as his heartbeat got louder on his ears. Dazai stood quiet for a few seconds, before sighing.
"I don't understand you, Akutagawa-kun..." Dazai said. Akutagawa swallowed saliva.
"W-Why not, sir?"
"Well, because! For example, Atsushi's hell taught him to save others, what is so different...?" Dazai wondered, and for the first time ever, Akutagawa thought that Dazai was an idiot.
Dazai was genius went it came to intellectual abilities, but there were many things that he didn't understand. Akutagawa was human, and he didn't care if Dazai was one, or not, he should at least be able to understand such a simple thing. Such. A. Simple. Thing...
"Akutagawa-kun...?" Dazai asked, and Akutagawa gripped his teeth, feeling his blood boil.
"The weretiger's hell taught him to save others in exchange to gain the right to live, Dazai-san..." Akutagawa said, his voice trembling with rage.
"Oh? Did it now...?""
"My hell... taught me that the only way to get respect is to be strong, kill opponents and gain merit..." Akutagawa spit, gripping his own coat tightly. "That I must gain someone's recognition in order to be strong..."
Dazai stood quiet on the other side of the line, and then sighed, as if whatever he was listening to was complete nonsense. "I did acknowledge you, didn't I?" He asked. "I told you, Akutagawa-kun, you have become strong."
Akutagawa's breath cut when he heard those words, and he closed his eyes.
The Dazai he was talking to had a beige coat, longer hair, face uncovered, and a job at the Armed Detective Agency. The Dazai on the other side of the line had worked hard into learning kindness, and into the world of the light, as many like to call it.
However, when Akutagawa closed his eyes, he didn't see him. The Dazai that Akutagawa ran after was younger than him, and smaller. A dark coat over his shoulders, bandages all over his face, and stern eyes, followed with cruel words. The eyes that haunted Akutagawa were completely devoid of compassion.
"You're in the side of the light, Dazai-san..." Akutagawa muttered. "Or at least, you pretend to be... I'm not looking for your acknowledgement.... for the Dazai-san I look after is long gone."
"Akutaga—"
"The weretiger was punished to be taught kindness..." Akutagawa said, bitterly. "I was punished to be taught cruelty..."
Akutagawa wasn't sure if Dazai had said anything after that, since he immediately hung up the call without waiting, throwing his phone by his side and curling up lightly, swallowing saliva.
He felt horrible. Chills running down his spine, and he was trembling lightly. A heavy dread on his heart, while his eyes for a reason he couldn't understand, started watering.
Akutagawa hated himself...
He wondered if he hadn't answer, would he hate himself more?
If he hadn't gone to the mission? If he hadn't followed Dazai on the day they had met?
Akutagawa gripped his fist lightly, and closed his eyes.
It was stupid to think in the what ifs, anyway.
Are you anything, but a disappoiment?!
Akutagawa was so, so tired.