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“Oh.”
“What?” Taehyung looks at Jimin, curious.
“It’s here. It was here this whole time” Jimin laughs while he takes a tiny cactus pen from the pocket of the oversized sweatshirt he is wearing.
“What?” Taehyung repeats, confused. He looks at his friend, at the cactus pen, not understanding what is happening. What about the pen?
“Joon has been looking for this pen for weeks now, it’s his favorite.” Jimin puts the pen back in his pocket. “Turns out it was inside his sweatshirt this entire time.”
Taehyung raises his eyebrows when Jimin chuckles a little. He’s looking at the pen with something that Taehyung would say it’s love, because Taehyung always says that Jimin is in love with Namjoon or some shit like that. It’s not true. Not true at all.
Jimin does like Namjoon a lot, the best roommate Jimin has ever had. He’s a little clumsy, sure, and he loses or breaks everything he touches. He’s a danger to himself whenever he decides to cook, and after he burned two pans, melted one spoon and made a hole on seven dish towels, Jimin kindly forbid him from trying to cook again. And sure, he has two left feet and stepped on Jimin's everytime they tried to dance together. But still.
Namjoon is actually a genius. He has the highest IQ Jimin ever saw. He can talk about any subject, from foreign politics to the new superhero movie. He read all the books on their shelf at least twice. Also, their veranda looks like an actual forest because Namjoon has a green thumb.
But, Jimin dares say, none of these are the best part of Namjoon. No. Namjoon is actually the sweetest person Jimin has ever met. When he smiles, you can see two of the cutest dimples God has ever created. He is sensitive and has a notebook where he writes the most endearing song lyrics, and even though he never really lets Jimin read it, Jimin just knows that they're perfect. When Jimin is feeling down or tired, Namjoon cuddles him, makes him a hot bath, gives Jimin a massage or tells him the most amazing stories, just so Jimin can feel a little better about himself. Frequently Namjoon is purposely silly, just to see Jimin laugh. There's not one single day that Jimin isn't thankful for having Namjoon in his life.
So, yes, Jimin likes Namjoon a whole lot.
But he's not in love.
"Don't look at me like that" Jimin answers.
"I didn't say anything."
"You don't need to say, Taehyung. I know exactly what you're thinking just by looking at you."
"You don't know that " Taehyung smiles and, oh, Jimin already regrets saying that. Nothing good can come from that smile. "I'm thinking right now that last night, me, Jin and Hoseok actually tried to-"
"No" Jimin interrupts before what surely can become the weirdest sex talk he ever had, what says a lot because Taehyung is a sharer . "I don't want to know what you, your boyfriend and your boyfriend's boyfriend did last night."
"When you finally start dating Namjoon, you should let him have another boyfriend. It can be really fun."
"I won't date Namjoon", Jimin puts his hands inside his pockets and silently plays with Namjoon's pen.
Not that dating Namjoon would be the end of the world or something, it probably would be alright. Good, even. Namjoon is totally boyfriend material , and he loves deep, Jimin knows that. Namjoon knows how to make someone happy, so maybe dating him would be really good.
But Jimin isn't in love, so there's no point in dating him.
***
"Joonie-hyung, I have something you'll like!" Jimin sings-songs when he arrives home.
"Is it a gift?" Namjoon raises his head from the laptop, smiling sweetly at Jimin. If Jimin's heart does a flip it's probably because it was a really really long day.
"Not really, but…" Jimin takes the cactus pen from the sweater pocket and, when Namjoon realizes what it is, his eyes sparkle. Jimin’s heart starts to melt and he feels an urge to hug Namjoon and kiss his entire face because how dare he be this cute?
“You found it!” Namjoon takes the pen and basically hugs it. “Where was it?”
“Inside your sweater” Jimin laughs and points to himself. Namjoon follows the direction and suddenly seems really surprised, like he’s realizing just now that Jimin is wearing his sweater. His face goes instantly red.
“Oh, it’s mine. The sweater. You’re using it.”
“Yes, it is. Do you… are you mad I took it?” Jimin loves to use Namjoon’s clothes because they’re always oversized on him, which is really comfortable. Also, they smell like Namjoon, and Namjoon smells like everything Jimin loves the most.
“No, you just… It looks really good on you. You’re… yeah .”
“Cute,” Jimin says out loud. When Namjoon’s face goes instantly red, Jimin feels the urge to coo at his friend because how dare Namjoon be the most adorable human being in the entire world? It should be illegal to hold all the cuteness on two dimples like that.
“I think you’re the cute one” Namjoon can’t even look Jimin in the eyes when he says this. Yes, that’s it, this is the moment Jimin will melt into a puddle. “Anyway, how, huh, how was your day?”
“It was pretty good” the cute moment has come to an end and Jimin takes Namjoon’s sweater off, going straight to the kitchen where he’ll start preparing their dinner. “Taehyung went to the pet shop, he took Yeontan for a bath and some grooming, I’ll ask him to send some pictures in the group chat, I made him really cute this time.”
“Yeontan is naturally cute, so…”
“Are you questioning my grooming abilities, Kim Namjoon?” They both laugh while Namjoon starts to apologize. “We got some ice cream after he left Yeontan home, and then I found your pen. Now I’m making us dinner, I guess this sums up my day. How about you?”
“I spent an entire day translating like ten pages of some new science fiction book the publishing company wants to release in korean, so… Boring. I just waited for you to come home to make us dinner.”
“What would you do without me?”
“I don’t even wanna think about such a terrifying scenario.”
Jimin is glad that he is facing the oven, his back turned to Namjoon, so the older one can't see how red Jimin’s face is right now.
The hardest part about living with Namjoon is how good he’s with words without even realizing it. And it’s not even about using those far-fetched words (that he actually knows every single one because it’s literally his job). When you use too many far-fetched words, it’s easier to impress people because, once they hear the first defenestrate , they automatically think you’re clever and expect more and more clever words, even though they don’t know the meaning at all.
But the thing about Namjoon is how he can use simple words and put so much meaning into them. He says the most mundane stuff and yet he makes you rethink your own life, your own feelings. When he says that living without Jimin would be terrifying, Jimin feels his heart jumping inside his chest because how dare him.
How dare Kim Namjoon say things that make Park Jimin feel like he’s receiving the sweetest love in the world when they’re not even in love.
***
“Jimin-ah, look what I- Oh, my God! ”
“ Namjoon !”
The scene is a mess. Jimin is standing in the center of his bedroom, freshly showered, completely naked. He was holding a towel around his waist, but that was before Namjoon came inside his room like a thunderstorm, yelling happily and startling Jimin, who dropped it. As fast as he can, Jimin takes the towel back and covers his parts . Namjoon is standing on his door, back turned to Jimin, hands covering his own eyes.
“You can look now, Joonie” there’s a sick part of Jimin that wants to laugh at how flustered his roommate looks now, but he is not mean like that. “It won’t be that good to look at, though…” ok, so maybe he is a little mean.
“I’m so sorry, Mini!” Namjoon is still covering his eyes, not looking at Jimin. “I just wanted to show you the new sock I found- but I should’ve knocked, I swear I didn’t want to see- it is horrible, this is horrible, I promise-”
“Hey, breathe!” Jimin tries to keep his voice sweet and low, which is kinda easy to him, if he’s being honest. He holds Namjoon’s arms and turns his friend to him, calmly making Namjoon uncovers his eyes and finally looking at Jimin. The younger one smiles sweetly, matching his voice, but it only makes Namjoon’s face go even more red, as if that’s even possible. “It’s ok, Joonie, things like this happen, we’re roommies after all, right? Also, horrible ? I work hard on this body, Kim Namjoon!”
“It’s not what I meant!” Of course Jimin couldn’t just let the man calm down, he had to make him all flustered again. This is why Yoongi always called him little devil . “You body is- you’re really- Mini, I swear-”
“That’s ok, I’m just messing with you!” immediately Jimin cuts Namjoon because, he realized, he doesn’t want to hear whatever Namjoon would say about his body, nobody wants two guys being a gay mess about each other.
Not that Jimin would be a gay mess about Namjoon.
Never.
But, you know, if something is preventable, you should… prevent it.
Because this moment is gone and they better start talking about anything that is not Jimin’s body or whatever this conversation could become, Jimin asks about the said sock and what is so cool about it. Truth is, Jimin doesn’t want any misunderstandings between him and Namjoon, so it’s better for everybody if they just forget this strange moment as soon as possible.
***
“ Nooooo ”, Namjoon whines and hides his face on Jimin’s neck.
It tickles and makes Jimin laugh, and all their friends around them laugh together. They’re at Jungkook’s bar, the one Jungkook owns so instead of work, he’s just sitting with his friends at the best table, teasing Namjoon about walking on a naked Jimin along with everyone else. Jimin is sitting on Namjoon’s lap, and he could put an end to his roommate’s suffering, but that would mean Namjoon not hiding his face on Jimin’s neck anymore, not breathing against Jimin’s skin making tickles, and Jimin can’t have that.
“I don’t blame you, Joonie” even though Seokjin can’t really shrug because Taehyung is stuck against him like a koala, his voice is enough for them to know that, for him, it’s not a big deal. “I mean, I too would like to see Jimin naked, if given the opportunity.”
“You already have two boyfriends, isn’t it enough?” Hoseok smiles while Seokjin bends a little so he can steal a kiss from him.
“My heart is just too full of love.”
“It was not intentional,” Namjoon murmurs, still hidden by Jimin. “I just wanted to show him my new cactus sock.”
“That he already lost one foot, by the way" as everyone starts laughing again, but soon enough lets the matter go, talking about some new weird thing that Yoongi saw recently.
Jimin gets closer to Namjoon, as if that's even possible, whispering in his ear "are you ok, Joonie?"
"Don't worry" there's the dimples, making Jimin's heart flutter like everytime. "I know you're not being really mean. It's fine."
Lying is not something that comes easy to Namjoon. Not that he's some kind of saint or innocent soul, he just doesn't see the point in lying, usually. Jimin learned that the first time Namjoon broke some of Jimin's stuff. So, if Namjoon says that he doesn't feel bad about the teasing, then Jimin will believe.
And if Namjoon is not feeling bad about that, Jimin doesn't see the point in getting out of his lap, so that's where he stays for the rest of the night, only getting up when they all start to part ways, leaving only Jungkook and Jimin on the table as Namjoon goes out with Yoongi and Hoseok to talk about whatever those three talk about, and Seokjin and Taehyung leave for some make out session or whatever.
"Are you and Joon-hyung dating already?" Jungkook asks out of nowhere.
"No" why does everybody always ask this? It's getting tiring.
"Jimin-ssi, I really need you guys to start dating ASAP" the completely serious way that Jungkook says this makes Jimin really shocked. "I have a bet with Yoongi, you know? Clock is ticking, I cannot lose."
"You shit" Jimin throws a napkin at Jungkook, who is only laughing. "You'll lose this stupid bet and I hope your punishment is bad!"
"You have no idea, hyung" the whine Jungkook produces makes Jimin think that he doesn't really wanna know what the bet is about.
When Jimin sighs it's not sad, just tired. His eyes scan the entire bar and through the glass wall he can see Yoongi, Namjoon and Hoseok on the outside, talking and laughing. Hoseok looks like he's laughing so hard that, if he wasn't holding Yoongi so hard, he would be on the floor. Namjoon is watching them with a fond smile on his face, his dimples barely visible.
Namjoon should look like a giant next to those two, but he doesn't. They fit so well together that you can barely notice any difference between those three. It makes Jimin smile fondly, almost enamored by the way Namjoon looks at his friend.
As if he knows somebody is watching him, Namjoon turns his head and his eyes meet Jimin's. All Jimin can do is wave, feeling fuzzy when Namjoon retributes.
Jungkook laughs and Jimin knows he saw how stupid he probably looks, but jokes on him. Jimin is not the one about to lose a bet.
***
Let it be recorded that Jimin would never, ever, intentionally invade Namjoon’s privacy.
Never.
But Namjoon is a little clumsy and sometimes he just leaves his things around their house. Sometimes they mix things up. Sometimes Jimin gets home, Namjoon is not there and Namjoon's lyrics notebook is actually in Jimin's room, for whatever reason.
Right, maybe for this specific thing it's the first time this happens and Jimin doesn't even know why it happened or why he opened the notebook. Maybe because he thought it was his for when he decided to be fluent in Indonesian and he was curious.
The thing is: he would never invade Namjoon's privacy. But he did.
And he opened the notebook in a page where it's a little "for Jimin" at the end of the page. If it was written for him, logically Jimin could read, right?
So he did.
As much as my heart flutters, I'm worried
The destiny is jealous of us
Just like you I'm so scared
When you see me, when you touch me
The universe has moved for us
Without missing a single thing
Our happiness was meant to be
'Cause you love me, and I love you
So, Jimin invaded Namjoon's privacy.
He read the lyrics Namjoon wrote for him.
And now he's completely freaking out.
***
(Realization is a funny thing.
You live with something your entire life, like something might not be what you expected it to be, some light tickle that sometimes is there but it's so light that you just don't pay attention. It's that silly feeling you ignore because it's not big, not important, until it is. Until the day it's too big and too hard and you can't hide it from yourself anymore, so you just realize .
First time Jimin realized something important was when he realized he didn't like girls. That he didn't like girls sexually or romantically . He was terrified about it because the normal thing for a boy was liking girls, why was he different? Would it ever be ok?
The second time was when Jimin realized that capitalism would never make him happy. This one made Yoongi really happy. Also it was hard because it was when Jimin quited a very well paid and stable job to work on a pet shop and be paid not even half the money he was used to. He's been happier since then.
Jimin realized a lot of things during all his years in the world.
The most recent was when he realized everyone was right. Jimin was in love with Namjoon.)
***
Taehyung promised Jimin they were soulmates, that they're always meant to be together in every life. That they'll always be each other's person. So why the fuck isn't him picking up his fucking phone?!
Jimin never calls, never , so when he does, he expects that his self proclaimed soulmate would be kind enough to-
"Hi, Mini!"
"Tae, fin- Hoseok?" The unexpected answer leaves Jimin confused. "Why are you with Taehyung's phone? I thought Jin was at work."
"He is, but I was bored and came to Taehyung's" there's something in Hoseok's voice that Jimin can't quite figure out for now, but makes Jimin wanna grim.
"I thought you guys were both dating Jin, but not dating each other?" Or at least that's what they claim every time their relationship is brought up.
"We are not. Anyway, what happened? You never call."
"Is Tae busy? You can put me on speaker."
"He's taking a shower, but I guess speaker will work, wait a min."
It’s not completely silent, Jimin can still hear Hoseok’s step and then a sound of door opening. If he tries hard enough, he can hear the shower and voices seeming far away, which probably means that Hoseok put the cellphone at the sink to explain the call to Taehyung before activating the speaker.
It takes about two minutes for the shower to stop. Jimin thinks he might lose his shit any moment because he needs to talk, but that's good, if Taehyung is finishing his shower first, it means he'll be able to pay attention to Jimin's misery.
"Hey, Mini" Taehyung finally says. His voice is echoing so Jimin assumes he's still in the bathroom. "What's up?"
"Tae" Jimin basically whines. He should've just go to Taehyung's house, at least he could be hugging his best friend and crying on his shoulder. "You were right. You all were."
"About what, baby?"
"I think maybe I can really be in love with Namjoon." Maybe . Like Jimin doesn't know better.
Hoseok gasps so loud that he immediately starts coughing. Jimin waits while Taehyung soothes Hoseok, letting his friend answer before saying anything.
"What happened? Why did you suddenly realize that?" Taehyung finally answers calmly but Jimin suddenly feels like he can't breathe properly.
"I accidentally read one of his lyrics, one he apparently wrote for me."
"Read it to us!" Incredibly, Hoseok sounds even more shocked than Jimin.
When Jimin reads the lyrics, it's Taehyung's turn to gasp out loud. Suddenly he and Hoseok start talking too fast, one over the other, and Jimin can't underst one single word but lets them vent. He too is scared. Shocked. Fuzzy. He doesn't even know.
"What do I do?" Jimin asks after the not couple finish the babbling.
"What do you want to do?" Taehyung asks.
"Why do you think I'm asking?"
"The thing is, Jiminie" is Hoseok who answers. "That it's not up to us to decide. It's your life and your heart. You are the one that needs to decide. Do you think you and Joonie could be a couple? Ask him on a date. Do you think it's better to just stay friends? Pretend it never happened."
"Don't matter what you choose, baby, we'll always have your back. Just think it through so you don't regret later, ok?"
Jimin swallows dry, still finding it a bit hard to breathe, but he agrees. He would love to have his friends making decisions in his regard so when everything became shit, Jimin could hold them accountable, but they're right. Whatever decision Jimin makes, it must be his and his only.
***
It takes almost three weeks for Jimin to decide what to do.
Three weeks that feels like three months, full of overthinking and overanalyzing every single thing that happens between Jimin and Namjoon. The way Namjoon laughs at Jimin’s worst jokes, the way Namjoon blushes whenever Jimin is just slightest flirtier, when their hands touch and Namjoon let it happen for one or two seconds too long, how soft he’s voice become every time he just talk to Jimin.
Jimin is not and has never been a love expert, and far from him being a person with an inflated ego or anything like that, but the three weeks just prove that, in fact, Namjoon feels something far beyond friendship for Jimin. And that Jimin feels the exact same way about his roommate.
Three whole weeks where all Jimin can do is think about the next step. The decision is already clear: confess his feelings to Namjoon and ask him on a date. Simple and straightforward. Yet three weeks later, Jimin still feels completely fearful about what will happen, and he completely blames the feeling of uncertainty.
Because, at this moment, he doesn't know what will happen after his confession. As much as, deep in his heart, Jimin knows that Namjoon is just as interested in Jimin as Jimin is in Namjoon, nothing guarantees that Namjoon thinks it's a good idea for them to be together romantically . What if it ruins the friendship? Ruin the group? Not that in-group dating is a problem, since Jimin and Namjoon are literally the only ones not in a relationship right now. Come to think of it, maybe that's why it's always been so obvious to the others.
Three weeks is long enough, Jimin thinks. And even though Taehyung has said that enough time is whatever time it takes for Jimin to make a decision that won't lead to certain regret and misery, three weeks . Almost a month of waiting. It's enough for Jimin to make sure that all he needs is to say hey Namjoon I like you too and I think we should go on a date and maybe I can kiss you because I really want to kiss you.
When Jimin arrives home, his arms full of bags of dinner that are simple but hopefully good enough, Namjoon is sitting at his desk, his laptop open, typing furiously.
"Hey Joonie, still working?"
"Mini?" Namjoon looks away from the screen, a huge smile spreading across his face as he sees Jimin. Love . "I didn't see you coming."
"I do have noticed that you're kind of too into your work. I brought you dinner, wanna take a break?"
Namjoon looks slightly conflicted, looking from his laptop to Jimin a few times before giving up, saving the file he was writing and heading over to the table, helping Jimin finish unpacking so they can have dinner. It's something that takes minutes, short minutes, but feels long enough for Jimin's heart to start beating faster because the moment has finally come. He will confess.
They sit together and Namjoon seems happy about the food, making little noises of pleasure that Jimin refuses to think too much about. He takes a deep breath, focusing his mind on what matters right now.
"Hyung, I wanted to… talk to you about something" Jimin says when Namjoon reaches the middle of his bowl.
"Of course" despite how serious Jimin's voice sounded, Namjoon seems calmer than ever when facing Jimin, no fear nor apparent concern. Great, because Jimin feels the complete opposite of calm.
"I... A few weeks ago, you ended up leaving your lyric notebook in my room. I thought it was some old notebook of mine, so I just flipped through it and... I saw a song you wrote. For Jimin. "
All calm is gone from Namjoon's face in less than a second. His eyes widen and all Jimin can see on his friend's face is pure terror. It's not meant to be like that. Jimin needs to do something to try to ease the situation, but he doesn't know how.
"I read the lyrics, Namjoon-hyung, I wasn't trying to invade your privacy, I swear-"
"Which one?" Namjoon interrupts, his face completely white.
"I don't know what title you gave it, but it was one about how fate envy us, but-”
"Jimin, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to-" Namjoon starts to interrupt Jimin, but Jimin can't stop talking, not now. He needs to explain to Namjoon.
"-I was really touched by the lyrics, your writing is really good, hyung-" then Jimin keeps talking even though Namjoon hasn't really stopped talking. Neither of them stops.
"-think something wrong about me, I only wrote this song for you because-"
"-and it really made me think of us, Joonie, of everything I mean to you and what you mean to me-"
"-I thought, you have a great voice, maybe if you liked the song, you could sing it? Your voice would be perfect and I swear-"
"-and I like you too, hyung. Maybe we could be something. Together."
"-that it means nothing. It's just a random lyric, I promise."
Silence .
All the dialogue was trampled, one talking over the other, none giving the other time to breathe or complete a sentence. But the last few sentences were very clear to both of them.
"You… like me?" Namjoon's voice is just a whisper, but Jimin doesn't care.
It means nothing.
Everything that Jimin believed he had read in Namjoon's attitudes, the way he talks, every moment that Jimin believed had happened was always only in his head. Dumb, dumb, dumb . How could he be so stupid and deluded? Why did he believe that Namjoon liked him that way? How can someone be so obtuse?
"Forget it" Jimin can't look Namjoon in the eye. He feels his eyes start to burn, and he's sure that the moment his gaze meets Namjoon's, Jimin will start crying, and that can't happen. He's already exceeded his quota of humiliation for one night. "Forget all that, hyung. Pretend I never said anything, please."
"Jimin-ah, calm down, let's-"
"I'm going to sleep at Tae's tonight, all right?" still not having the courage to look at Namjoon, Jimin stands up. His almost full bowl is forgotten on the table, but he has completely lost his appetite. All he needs is to get out of here as soon as possible.
"Jimin, please let me-"
"No need to explain. I messed things up, it happens. Just… please forget it ever happened. Please."
Without looking back, Jimin grabs his bag from work, where his wallet hopefully is, puts on his sneakers and leaves the house. While getting on the bus, Jimin texts Taehyung, asking if he can spend the night at his house, to which his best friend immediately replies yes, of course.
Jimin chooses the last seat, sitting by the window and keeping his head down, trying to hide from strangers on public transport the tears that are now freely streaming down his face and ignoring completely his cellphone, which rings nonstop with Namjoon’s name shining. Jimin has felt dumb at various moments during his life, like when he slipped in the middle of the street and ended up breaking his ankle, having to be taken to the hospital by a couple of strangers who took pity on a guy crying in pain in the middle of the sidewalk.
That day, Jimin felt dumb for crying in pain on the street. Yet that pain couldn't even be compared to how much his heart aches right now.
***
Before Jimin can even say "hi", Taehyung is pulling him into a tight hug. Jimin doesn't understand how Taehyung took the time to see his tear-stained face to know Jimin needs a hug, it makes no sense, but that's Kim Taehyung. He probably didn't see Jimin's state, he just felt that his soulmate needed it. A tight hug, that holds the pieces of Jimin's heart.
" It means nothing " Jimin whispers as Taehyung juggles pulling him into the house without letting go and at the same time locking the door.
"What means nothing, baby?" Jimin barely notices Taehyung leading him into the living room, only noticing that they're effectively inside the house when they sit together on the couch.
"The lyrics. Namjoon's feelings. I messed it up, Taetae. He never felt anything aside from friendship for me" Saying those words out loud is incredibly painful, it makes Jimin want to cry all over again.
"Did he say that, Mini?"
Unable to find the strength to speak again, Jimin just shakes his head in confirmation. Taehyung pulls him into a tight hug again, giving him the security and comfort that only a best friend is capable of.
"Jiminie?" Seokjin's sweet voice makes Jimin lift his head from Taehyung's shoulder, where he's been hiding for long minutes. "Hey, baby. Are you feeling any better?" Jimin had barely noticed that Seokjin was there all that time, listening as Jimin cried in Taehyung's lap.
"No, hyung" the tears gather again in Jimin's eyes as he pulls away from Taehyung only to bury himself against Seokjin, trying to disappear inside his hyung's arms. "I'm an idiot."
"You're not, Jimin, far from it" Seokjin gently strokes Jimin's hair. It's funny that, overall, Seokjin is loud and playful, often bordering on childish, but the moment he needs to be serious, Seokjin becomes the most mature person in the room. No wonder Taehyung fell in love so hard and so deep. "You and Namjoon need to talk about this, Jimin."
"Tomorrow" Taehyung complements.
"Right. Because you're going to sleep with us today, all right?" Seokjin pulls Jimin away from his lap a little, forcing the youngest to look into his eyes, making room for Seokjin to dry some of the tears that are still wetting Jimin's cheeks.
"I don't want to bother you" Jimin whispers. It's true, he doesn't want to bother the couple, but at the same time, Jimin is terrified of hearing his friends say that, really, it's better if he leaves. Jimin doesn't want to go home right now, he's not ready to face Namjoon again yet.
"You never bother, Mini. You're my soulmate, I can't be happy if you're not happy" the sweet way Taehyung speaks for very little doesn't make Jimin start the third crying fit of the night.
"Come on, Jimin-ah, you might be Tae's soulmate, but today I'm the one who's going to sleep holding you."
***
Jimin wakes up feeling slightly suffocated, Taehyung practically lying on top of him. As suffocating as it is, Jimin finds that kind of human warmth good. To be honest, he misses Seokjin on the other side, helping to hold him even more tight. Luckily for him, Jimin had a dreamless night, no nightmares despite the constant feeling of bile churning in his stomach.
With a little difficulty, Jimin lets go of Taehyung, letting his friend sleep while he goes to the kitchen. Seokjin is talking quickly on his cell phone, using the hand that isn't holding the device to stir something in a pot, probably preparing what will be their breakfast. Jimin nods to his friend, who just smiles and nods back, quickly returning his attention to his call. Trying not to disturb him, Jimin sits silently at the table, waiting for Seokjin to end the call before properly saying good morning.
"Sorry about that" Seokjin smiles after turning off the device. "I'm going to need to go to work now, but I left the coffee ready for you and Taetae. Hobi is coming over too, to take care of you two."
"Take care?" Jimin laughs as he gets up to help Seokjin prepare the breakfast table.
"I don't trust you two alone. You are a national danger" they laugh, but soon Seokjin's expression turns serious again. "Do you intend to go home today, Jimin-ah?"
"I..." Jimin doesn't want to go. He knows that Seokjin isn't kicking him out of Taehyung's house, and knows that he could stay as long as he needs to. However, Jimin needs to go home. He's an adult who has to face his roommate. Who is his friend. To whom Jimin confessed to. "I need to, don't I?"
"You need to talk to Namjoon, yes. But take your time. If you need to spend one more night here, or at my place, or at any of us', really, you know you can count on everyone, anytime. But... You and Namjoon need to talk, Jimin."
"I know, hyung. I'll talk to him" Jimin promises more to himself than to Seokjin.
"Fine. I'll probably only come in at night, if you're still here, we'll order your favorite food, right?" Seokjin flashes a small, delicate smile that warms Jimin's heart. "Don't let Taetae sleep too late." Seokjin says goodbye to Jimin with a kiss on the youngest's forehead, leaving the house right away.
Jimin fills his plate with Seokjin's breakfast, using the food as an excuse to focus on anything other than facing Namjoon in a few hours.
He hates being an adult. He hates that his actions have consequences.
He hates even more being sitting alone in Taehyung's kitchen. In all of his earlier plans, Jimin intended to be in his own house, lying still in Namjoon's arms after the two confessed to each other and kissed and.
Damn it.
Why had things gone so wrong? Why couldn't Namjoon just feel the exact same way about Jimin?
So absorbed in his own whining, Jimin doesn't even hear the front door open, only acknowledging that Hoseok arrived at the house when he feels his friend's arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. Has Jimin been sitting in the kitchen lost in his own thoughts for a really long time or did Hoseok arrive really fast?
"I arrived really fast" Jimin didn't realize he spoke aloud. "I found Jin-hyung leaving the house. Are you feeling better, my love?"
"Not really" even though he's not feeling his best, Jimin smiles as he pulls Hoseok onto his lap, snuggling against his friend. Even though he is feeling down, Jimin is still one of the luckiest people in the world to have such wonderful people in his life.
"Jin told me everything that happened, Mini. I'm sorry" maybe Hoseok was the person Seokjin was talking to in the morning, explaining the whole story about how Jimin would probably need to look for a new roommate soon. "But I know you guys will talk and everything will be fine again."
"I love you for being so optimistic, you know, Hobi-hyung?"
"You love me because I'm perfect" Hoseok shrugs and Jimin can't help but laugh. "Oh yeah, your laugh is delicious to hear, Mini. I hate it when you're not laughing."
"It's just that I'm perfect too."
"Okay, so let's perfectly together wake up my boyfriend's boyfriend, because Jin said we can't let Taehyung sleep until lunchtime."
Jimin just laughs as Hoseok gets up and takes his hand, leading him to Taehyung's room. As the two jump on the bed, making as much noise as possible to wake up the youngest, Jimin ignores for now the tightness he still feels in his chest, the cold that follows in his stomach, and the fear that the night he will have to face Kim Namjoon.
***
Before opening the front door, Jimin stops and takes a deep breath. Several times. More times than any normal human would. He bites his lip, thinking of an excuse to go back to Taehyung's house and ignore Namjoon for one more night. During the afternoon Namjoon tried to call a few more times, but Jimin chose to ignore it again.
He seriously considered spending one more night at Taehyung's house, but the next day he would have to work and the uniform in his backpack was dirty, reeking of wet dog as usual. Like it or not, Jimin needed to go home. Face Namjoon.
Maybe they could just pretend that nothing had happened. That Jimin had never read those lyrics and confused them with some kind of crazy love confession, and that hadn't led Jimin to the most shameful confession of his entire life. Maybe nothing would change between them and Jimin and Namjoon could remain friends, roommates who are a little bit closer than expected of roommates.
Maybe if Jimin wishes hard enough, he can go back in time and stop himself from acting stupid.
But in the end, Jimin just enters the house, his heart almost coming out of his mouth, taking off his shoes and closing the door behind him. The house seems silent, with no sign of Namjoon, and Jimin doesn't know if that makes him even more nervous or just extremely relieved.
Jimin doesn't call out for his friend, doesn't really want to draw attention to himself. If Namjoon is in his own room resting, Jimin won't be the one who gets in the way. Besides, it's better that they don't see each other for now. Jimin better go straight to his room, lie on his bed and hope he has another dreamless night.
When Jimin opens the door to his room, he has a little trouble recognizing the place. His bed is adorned with various fairy lights, and scattered around it are some of the most random and unexpected items: a single sock with a design of various plants, a cactus pen, a slightly burnt dish towel, Namjoon's sweatshirt that Jimin loves to wear. At the center of it all is an open notebook, letters exposed for Jimin to read. Feeling a little confused, Jimin leans close enough, recognizing Namjoon's handwriting immediately.
I can just feel it
Like the moon surely rises after the sun rises
Like fingernails grow
Like the trees undress themselves layer by layer when winter comes
That you are the one who will give meaning to my memories
That you are the one who will make a person into a love
Jimin swallows hard.
What?
"This is just one of the thousands of lyrics I've written thinking of you" Namjoon's voice coming from the bedroom door makes Jimin jump, startled.
Namjoon is staring uncertainly, looking from the notebook to Jimin anxiously, waiting for some reaction. Jimin has no idea how to act or what to say. The words he read dance through his head, trying desperately to absorb their meaning. The last time Jimin tried to guess meaning and feelings, his heart was hurt enough that he didn't dare repeat the same mistake again.
"Thinking about me?" is what Jimin ends up saying, eyes locked on the lyrics, continuing to read the words that, apparently, Namjoon wrote thinking of Jimin.
I crossed all the letters and reached you
Look, mine and yours also sound the same
Though that doesn’t make me you
I’d like to be a part of your book
I’d like to get involved in your novel
As your lover
"That's true?" Jimin doesn't want to sound hopeful, doesn't want to cry, doesn't want to feel emotional again only to have his hopes dashed again. "Namjoon, what... What's going on?"
"Jimin-ah, I..." Namjoon swallows and takes an uncertain step towards Jimin. The youngest doesn't try to walk away, doesn't want to walk away.
"The song. Those lyrics. You... What does that mean, Namjoon?"
"Exactly-"
"Because if it's another song that would be beautiful in my voice, I don't care" and now Jimin knows he sounds desperate, but that's how he feels. "I don't want you to write music for me to sing, I don't want to read these lyrics and believe that you- That we could- I don't want to go through that again, Joonie."
"I hate myself so much for saying that" Namjoon hides his face behind his hands. Jimin wants to tell him not to do that, but more than anyone else, Jimin understands the need to hide from time to time. He just keeps staring at Namjoon, waiting for the older one to sort out his own thoughts before continuing. "When you told me you found the notebook, that you read that song, I was so scared, Mini."
"Scared?"
"I didn't know if you would hate me for this, for... I didn't know if I was allowed to feel for you everything I feel" another step towards Jimin. "I never intended to fall in love with you, Jimin. It just happened."
The notebook falls from Jimin's hand, but neither of them makes a move to try to retrieve the object. All Jimin can do is stare at Namjoon, his heart beating at a speed that's probably unhealthy, but right now Jimin couldn't care less.
"When you mentioned the lyrics, I just thought I'd make up some story, anything that wouldn't make you run from me."
"Because?"
"Because I never imagined that you would ever feel the same way about me, Mini. All I ever wanted was to make you happy, and I ended up screwing it up. If you can forgive me-"
Namjoon has always been a person of many words, and that's one of the things that Jimin has always loved about him. Namjoon has the gift of turning simple words into the most beautiful poetry that Jimin has ever had the pleasure of enjoying. Listening to Namjoon talk for hours and hours about the most trivial topics was always something that made Jimin feel good.
Not right now.
At this point, Jimin needs Namjoon to shut up because all Jimin needs is to kiss him. And Jimin knows that as far as Namjoon is concerned, he'll keep talking for hours, and that can't happen. So Jimin interrupts him, being forced to stand on tiptoe so he can put his arms around Namjoon's neck and pull him down slightly, sealing their lips in an unexpected kiss.
Although initially Namjoon is clearly shocked, frozen in place, soon the kiss is returned. Namjoon has always looked big next to Jimin - or maybe Jimin has always been too small next to Namjoon - but as they kiss, while Namjoon holds Jimin's waist tightly, Jimin feels like he could disappear into his friend's body if he did, lost in his arms, in the feel of their tongues touching, in the small noises of their lips smacking as they pull away slightly but then join again, desperate.
"You're an idiot, you know that right?" Jimin laughs as they part, seeing the smile being copied on Namjoon's face. "I cried into Tae and Jin-hyung's lap for an entire night."
"In my defense, I cried in JK and Yooongi-hyung's lap."
"On your own fault!" Jimin pats Namjoon on the shoulder, pulling him in for a quick kiss again. "You have so much to make up for me, Kim Namjoon. So much!"
"I will!" Namjoon tries to take another step towards Jimin, but they're already so glued together that the two just lose their balance, Namjoon falling on top of Jimin on the bed. "I promise I'll be the best boyfriend in the world."
"Boyfriend, is it?" Jimin laughs as Namjoon's face turns completely red, only now realizing what he said. "First you have to take me on a date."
Namjoon just laughs before kissing Jimin again, making the younger one think that the last two days were definitely the biggest roller coaster of feelings in his life.
***
Yoongi looks completely unhappy. Jungkook looks like the happiest person in the world. Jimin doesn't want to know what that couple had bet on, but he hopes Jungkook won't be too mean to Yoongi (not because he feels sorry for Yoongi or anything, but just because a grumpy Yoongi can be hard to deal with).
"I still want to kill you, Kim Namjoon" Taehyung has his arms crossed, trying to look angry but just looking cute. "How dare you make the love of my life cry like that?"
"Namjoon-hyung also cried a lot" Jungkook, Kim Namjoon's number one fan, feels the need to defend the eldest.
"Not the point."
"Mini, did you like the fairy lights? It was my idea" Hoseok's bright eyes make Jimin laugh a little. "The items that tell a little about your story were Jin-hyung's idea."
"You're welcome."
Jimin doesn't answer, just laughs as he snuggles closer to Namjoon, receiving a lingering kiss on the corner of his mouth. Even though he's pretending to be angry, Taehyung lets out an "awwn", making the entire table laugh.
They're at Jungkook's bar, and Jungkook isn't working. Taehyung lays his head on Seokjin's shoulder while the older man strokes Hoseok's hair. Jungkook whispers something in Yoongi's ear and steals a quick kiss from his boyfriend, making him laugh in a shy way that everyone finds extremely cute. Everything looks exactly the same.
But when Jimin turns to the side, he finds Namjoon staring at him with a sweet, passionate smile, and Jimin smiles back, pulling him in for a kiss and gorging on his friends who start laughing and teasing the newest couple in the group, the last one missing.
Being in love is truly an incredible feeling.