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Fifteen minutes with you, well I wouldn’t say no.
People said that you were virtually dead.
And they were so wrong.
Fifteen minutes with you, oh I wouldn’t say no.
People said that you were easily led.
And they were half right.
I dreamt about you last night, and I fell out of bed twice.
You can pin and mount me like a butterfly.
But take me to the haven of your bed.
Reel Around The Fountain – The Smiths
When Alex told James he’d just nip out for a cigarette between takes Miles saw his chance. Alex’s boot heels clicked and echoed through the hallway with every step he took and his pace was determined and quick. All Miles had to do was follow the familiar sound of two black heeled boots.
When he heard a door slam and the distant sound of shoes over gravel, he knew that Alex had gone out the front door.
He mumbled something about needing a smoke himself and took the same route out of the studio and through the house. As he walked through the hall he found himself wondering exactly where Alex had laid his footsteps, marked his path, because he wanted to follow in them with the utmost accuracy.
He found Alex around the corner, leaning against the wooden panel of the house. His eyes were closed but Miles could see his eyelids flutter as he approached. A few feet away from him Miles stopped. Alex still kept his eyes shut and took a long drag on the half-burned cigarette in his right hand. Miles settled for simply watching him.
Alex’s cheeks hollowed as he inhaled again and his body relaxed. It wasn’t a deep drag and he opened his mouth as he exhaled. The smoke was barely visible in the warm august air, it diffused and connected with the waves of heat, floating around.
A sudden turn in the wind directed the smoke toward Miles who, without thinking, inhaled. Despite being a smoker himself, he’d always found cigarette smoke incredibly unattractive. It made him feel queasy at times. But this time, the fact that it had been breathed by Alex, made it that much more bearable.
Miles stepped forward and leaned against the wall next to Alex.
Alex had tilted his head upward, eyes still closed, and Miles could see the red mark peeking out from beneath his collar. The mark that would, in a day or two, turn paler before fading and mixing with the colour of his pale skin.
Miles knew that James had noticed. He’d seen it peek out, just as Miles did now, whenever Alex had strained and stretched his neck while singing certain parts of the song they were recording. He’d given them both knowing looks, not disapproving, but asking them to be cautious.
“Spare me one?” Miles asked.
Alex reached into his pocket and withdrew a red packet of cigarettes; he flicked the lid open and pointed it at Miles. Miles quickly took one and reached into his own pocket for a lighter. He sighed when he realized it wasn’t there and just as he opened his mouth Alex handed him one. It was the blue one he’d bought at the airport just a week before. Miles’ thank you was quiet and had most likely gone unheard.
Handing back the lighter he realized that Alex had now opened his eyes and was staring straight ahead. Miles knew why. He knew why Alex’s eyes weren’t on him. He didn’t want to bring it up, but he had to. That’s why he’d followed him out here in the first place.
“Al-”
“Not now, Miles.”
“But we have to...”
Miles hated this. All of it.
“Are you ashamed?” It was quiet and more of a mumble but Alex heard it, clearly.
He was silent at first, too silent.
Alex tossed his cigarette to the ground and put it out with the toe of his boot before lighting another one, his cheeks once again hollowing with the drag. Miles couldn’t take his eyes off him, no matter how hard he tried or how badly he wanted to.
Alex exhaled.
“No.” He said as the smoke gathered around them both and there was another silence.
Miles nodded to himself and licked his lips, just like Alex often did when he was nervous.
“But that’s just it, innit?” Came Alex’s voice. “I’m not ashamed. I should be, but I’m not.”
Miles closed his eyes and was cut off by Alex before he could even open his mouth.
“And not because I did it with you” He sighed. “But because I did it.”
“What d’you mean?”
“I cheated, Miles! And I should be ashamed.” He took a drag on the cigarette. "Shouldn't I?" He turned his head to look at Miles.
Miles just shrugged.
“'Cause- 'cause it’s something that I promised myself that I’d never do. I know of the consequences and I know that I would never want to put anyone through that, least of all her.”
“She doesn’t need to know.” Miles said quietly. “No one needs to know.”
Alex let out a bitter laugh. “If only it were that simple, eh?” He flicked the cigarette and the ashes landed on one of his black boots.
Miles blinked and drew a breath.
“Yeah...”
A silence ensued and Miles felt lost.
He absent-mindedly lifted his left hand, unsure of what to do with it. He hesitated before reaching out.
Alex didn’t move as Miles traced the collar of his shirt with a long index finger.
“I’ll lend you one of me turtle necks...”