Work Text:
wrong.
some thing has been utterly wrong ever since yeonjun has woken up in the morning. he wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, for instance. and no, it isn't something as stupid as that. yeonjun can feel it. like something is going to go wrong. something in the air was off, but he cannot point it out. cannot point out what it is.
so he decides to keep a low profile for the day. he gets out of bed slowly, as if not to anger the heavy presence of evil spirits around him. no, there were no evil spirits around. yeonjun just felt a little low in his heart.
i'd get over it by the day of the day , he promises himself, as he steps into the bathroom. he stares at his skin-care products and then back into the mirror. he knows he looks shit the first thing in the morning. he knows he has to choose between the two in his hand. his eyes study both hands, and their contents. he knows he has to choose between the two in his hand. he knows. he knows what he should choose.
even then, yeonjun puts what he requires away from his own judgmental eyesight. the last time he touched it , or even thought of using it was three months ago. yeonjun couldn't bring down what he calls three months of progress just like that. because he had a hunch for bad things today.
it's okay, he tells himself, i'll skip it this time. i don't need it.
yeonjun walks into the bath hesitantly. the feeling of water dripping down his hair has never felt any worse to him. he's aware, he can try and feel better now- only if it weren't for his big ego. he turns around to find the disregarded bottle and his hand itch to reach out to it. his brain declines the offer. it isn't for this moment, he thinks, before allowing the warm water to drown himself.
it's a dull feeling in his heart, his mind that he feels so deeply. every sign of him being a happy human from yesterday has just, vanished.
he fills in a deep sigh in his lungs. it's a good day he tells himself. you're just making it worse by over thinking it.
yeonjun wishes that he's just overthinking it, because he doesn't want to deal with anything wrong happening in his life at this point of time. till yesterday, he was content with life. and tomorrow, he will be happy again. it's just today, that he has to deal with. the day has barely begun. it's funny how yeonjun wishes for the day to be completely over already.
he grabs his phone, and looks through messages. some need to be answered, and some to be left unanswered. not everyone yeonjun talked to important, anyway. but one. choi beomgyu. yeonjun's day goes futile if he doesn't have his daily dose of beomgyu. it's a necessity.
but today, even beomgyu seems like a burden on his head. yeonjun swiftly ignores beomgyu's 'good morning >3<' message, and moves on to the next. realizing that he wouldn't answer any of those messages he puts his phone away. maybe that was the best decision from the start. yeonjun feels a sense of guilt bubble up in his chest. he shouldn't ignore beomgyu. he knows how sensitive beomgyu gets. yeonjun knows very well that beomgyu requires an affirmation, and he needs to see that yeonjun's alive.
but he's not. he feels dead. but because yeonjun doesn't feel anything good about this particular morning itself, he doesn't reply to beomgyu. guilt, sure- he's taking up another emotion upon himself- but he doesn't mean to be fake.
if i don't think as much as i am right now, i'll get through this.
yeah.
|
yeonjun underestimates the power of his mind.
it drives him crazy the entire fucking day. yeonjun feels it in every inch of his body. guilt, remorse, regret. cold, lonely, alone. yeonjun thinks he's going paranoid. he knows he's going paranoid. he chooses not to act on it.
he's barely had some lunch, just ramyeon the entire day. and now, it's nine pm. yeonjun doesn't find the will in him to get up and make dinner for himself. and so he doesn't. he ignores his body's demands of food.
his bed's a mess- he swears it's unintentional. he's just been bringing various things over to his bed, his comfort place, to distract himself of thoughts that were eating him up alive. literally.
slowly, yeonjun starts regretting not having gone through his comfort routine in the morning itself. maybe that would've made him feel better about everything he was sad about (was he angry too? he doesn't know). maybe yeonjun shouldn't have avoided beomgyu at all. and he knew, beomgyu was the only one - if someone- could pull him out of this, and make him feel better. only beomgyu.
perhaps he's upsetting beomgyu by not texting him back, too. he checks his messages. the last message from beomgyu was the good morning message. either beomgyu doesn't care, or he doesn't want to push. yeonjun knows it's the latter.
beomgyu's presence around him is extraordinary- yeonjun feels like a speck of dust floating around the sun when he's with beomgyu. he feels like he's no match to the boy's levels of...everything. the way beomgyu expressed himself so clearly, was something that got to yeonjun every time. yeonjun could never , ever be so vocal about what and how he was feeling. he admired beomgyu's traits so much.
but then again, yeonjun feels like beomgyu is only as vulnerable with him, and no one else. yeonjun has never seen anyone talk of beomgyu in any sort of serious ways as he's seen before. he's seen- lived those moments with beomgyu, alone. he knows. beomgyu isn't as perfect as he shows. yet he tries. yeonjun really really thinks so highly of beomgyu for that.
he's well aware that as of now, it's beomgyu, or nothing. but he doesn't reach out. yeonjun cannot reach out. his big ego of 'how can i ever ask for help?' comes out at times like such. he can choose to lessen his burden and sufferings, but he chooses to bear them alone.
at this point of time, yeonjun knows he requires a good distraction. as much as he hates having to pull out his weakest move, he knows there's nothing else he can do. yeonjun sucks in a deep breath. he hasn't been looking good at all.
slowly, small steps- and yeonjun reaches the washroom once again. he stands once again where he stood vulnerable in the morning and avoided the decision. better late than never, yeonjun thinks. he's left with no other choice. and as stupid as yeonjun's coping mechanism might seem, it helps, it really does.
this has always been yeonjun's routine after a bad day. ever since the young age of fourteen. on a day where he felt particularly dirty inside out, filthy- bad , he always came back to this. self care.
on his worst days, yeonjun washed himself with a mildly scented body wash. yeah. that , was yeonjun's coping mechanism. what got him weak in the knees, but at the same time, settled his heart and mind. it made him calm. something as stupid as a body wash. on regular days, like any other bachelor, yeonjun barely showered with some soap for nothing more than ten minutes. but on his worst days, yeonjun washes. he scrubs off every inch of guilt, remorse off his body. washes off all the dirt and filth he feels on him. he feels what he'd call- purified.
hesitatingly, yeonjun grabs the lavender coloured bottle. his hands shiver as strips himself of his layering of clothes, and steps into the shower. he looks at the bottle- which looks so fancy, it makes yeonjun feel swell. he feels happy just looking at it. the liquid hasn't even touched his body yet. and oh, when the heavenly scent fills the air, yeonjun feels at peace instantly. he allows himself to be comfortable and he reminds himself- it's just me. i, me and myself.
like storm clouds lifted up from a city, yeonjun feels light. he's letting go of every one of his emotions slowly, one by one. there's no hurry, he reminds himself. he has all the time in the world. he breaths freely, for the first time that day. his breath still remains shaky.
stupid me. yeonjun thinks. i should've done this earlier.
yeonjun allows himself to sit in that bathtub for what felt like years.
it's okay.
he's okay.
|
the real problem begins when yeonjun steps out of the shower. he has nothing but a towel covering the lower portion of his body, and another hand towel in his hand, drying out the water from his hair. and that's when he spots his biggest nightmare (paradise) sitting on his bed, shaking his legs in a nervous pattern.
choi beomgyu.
yeonjun walks out of his shower, to see beomgyu seated on his bed. yeonjun wonders why he ever gave beomgyu the key to house. beomgyu walked in like an uninvited guest. how rude of him.
when beomgyu finally happens to see yeonjun, he doesn't even look at the fact that yeonjun is half naked. he just blinks once, then then twice, and then runs . straight into yeonjun, and he throws his hands around yeonjun's waist instantly. beomgyu doesn't mind one bit, that yeonjun's skin is wet- he's practically naked and that he's jumping him like that. yeonjun freezes for a second. and then when he actually realizes beomgyu's actions, he acts upon it. late, but better than never.
yeonjun hugs him back with the same amount of energy, even though he isn't able to show it well. he tries to project his feelings into it, he tries to tell beomgyu that he's so fucking sorry for not having responded to him all day- but he thinks he fails. wrong. beomgyu knows it all. he always does. beomgyu always knows what's on yeonjun's mind even before he does.
and right now, beomgyu can feel it. he knows that yeonjun hasn't had a nice day, and he knows that yeonjun had broken his record of three months. beomgyu is much aware of the fact that yeonjun beats himself up for up. on the other hand, beomgyu feels a little bit giddy knowing that he was able to keep yeonjun happy for long. he's glad, that yeonjun was happy.
"beomgyu." yeonjun breathes, and he inhales so deeply. yeonjun feels at home, even though he was home all this while. turns out yeonjun's house takes a choi beomgyu for it to be complete. from it to turn from a house into a home. "beomgyu, let go." yeonjun's words contradict his actions. he pulls beomgyu closer to his chest, holding him tighter. "my towel's going to fall off."
beomgyu doesn't chuckle, when yeonjun does. yeonjun pulls away with a grin on his face, while beomgyu keeps a blank expression on his face. yeonjun would say that beomgyu looked lifeless, and hell- beomgyu out of all people in the world weren't allowed to look like that. he feels beomgyu reach out one hand to yeonjun's cheek- and like beomgyu knew, like he predicted well- yeonjun's expression faltered. his face which was smiling no moments ago, turned back into the frown yeonjun had plastered on his face since morning.
yeonjun had to know - he didn't have to pretend. not with beomgyu.
"was today that bad?" beomgyu asks, and it makes yeonjun look away. how could a boy younger than him, be hundred times better than at this? comforting people? how was it that beomgyu knew exactly what was going on with yeonjun? how the hell did beomgyu even smell the body wash on him?
when yeonjun doesn't answer, beomgyu hums. it's okay. it's okay if yeonjun doesn't want to give a verbal answer. beomgyu knows it all already. yeonjun knows that beomgyu is aware. so he stays silent. beomgyu leans forward, and touches yeonjun's eyelids lovingly. yeonjun has never felt this much love, care flowing towards him from anyone. beomgyu is a first. it leaves a tingling feeling in his heart.
beomgyu runs his delicate fingers over yeonjun's smooth expanse of cheeks. yeonjun can feel beomgyu pour all of his love, emotion into yeonjun. beomgyu's touch at the moment feels like life, to yeonjun. it's the battery he requires to live.
beomgyu doesn't ponder on the previous question any longer. he moves on. "have you eaten yet?"
yeonjun's stomach growls at that very moment, betraying him in front of whoever beomgyu had just become- his caretaker. beomgyu smiles at that, and that smile- yeonjun doesn't know much about feelings, but he's never seen beomgyu smile like that before. it does somethings to his mind. ah, beomgyu really meddles with yeonjun's brain so much.
when yeonjun shakes his head in a no, the younger nods his head slightly. he moves away from where they both stood at the foot of yeonjun's bed, and yeonjun sits down as if to calm his racing heart.
beomgyu returns back with a pair of pajamas and a loose t-shirt for yeonjun. he holds it out to yeonjun, who suddenly remembers the lack of clothing on him. he's embarrassed, but it's nothing beomgyu hasn't seen before. intentionally, or unintentionally. yeonjun chooses not to comment on that.
"put these on, okay?" beomgyu instructs slowly, as if he's dealing with a little kid. "i don't want you to catch a cold." beomgyu leans down and presses a small kiss- it's merely a touch of his lips to yeonjun's forehead. but that action suddenly held so much meaning, when yeonjun was in a condition like such.
yeonjun takes the instruction as seriously as a child would do. yeonjun knows very well that he doesn't know what's good for him. he's going to let beomgyu guide him through this day now. yeonjun is too tired of being alone anyway.
beomgyu smiles so wide at yeonjun before he leaves, yeonjun thinks that he could die. was it possible to die because of the way a particular someone smiled at you? yeonjun didn't know that. he just knew now that if he wasn't close to beomgyu anymore he'd lose it. like beomgyu was the only missing thing tonight.
and yeonjun obeys. he wears the clothes that beomgyu got for him.(how'd he even know where yeonjun kept his clothes?) he feels warm now. really, really warm all over as if he were sun kissed. he was, in a way. he feels beomgyu's lingering touch on him still. the way he gently cupped yeonjun's cheek, and then leaned in to kiss his forehead.
the towel long forgotten on the ground, yeonjun gets up to fetch beomgyu. now that he knows that beomgyu is around somewhere, he doesn't want to let go of him. he wants to stay close enough to beomgyu until they're one. one soul, living in two bodies.
in a sense of urgency and slight panic, yeonjun's eyes flutter around in search of beomgyu. he cannot find him his bedroom, neither is he in the washroom. yeonjun checks the living room- and still no sign of beomgyu. yeonjun can see no sign of life other than him in the said places. until he reaches the kitchen.
he finds beomgyu doing something in the kitchen and is instantly drawn towards him. a particular force pulled him towards beomgyu, and yeonjun did not fight it. he allows himself to lose control completely. sub consciously, he wraps his hand around beomgyu's petite waist, resting his head on beomgyu's shoulder. once again, yeonjun's mind finds peace when he's near beomgyu.
"what are you doing?" yeonjun questions, and beomgyu hums for a little while instead of giving him a legit answer. beomgyu removes is hands from the counter, and lands his hands on yeonjun's which rested on his tummy. he felt a little ticklish, but yeonjun seemed a little comfortable there. beomgyu didn't mean to interrupt.
at this point, yeonjun and beomgyu were practically slow dancing across the kitchen, only thing actually missing being the music. beomgyu tears away and comes back to the counter. he doesn't look- but he knows that yeonjun's upset and probably has one of his pouts on his face. he's quite right.
"you need to eat." beomgyu's reply is plain, simple- but yeonjun cannot help but feel a little bit flustered. seriously, what was in the air? beomgyu in his kitchen, cooking for him was truly a sight yeonjun didn't want to forget. he feels so domestic in this particular setting. he doesn't want beomgyu to ever leave.
beomgyu cooks for him, as yeonjun sits at the table in his kitchen. when beomgyu returns with a bowl of something - yeonjun isn't paying one bit of attention to the food. his eyes light up the moment he catches a glimpse of beomgyu. he sets the table in front of him, and lays down the food in front of yeonjun. as much as he's hungry- yeonjun doesn't bat an eye towards what's given to him. he continued looking at beomgyu.
when beomgyu does realize, he chuckles a little. he leans forward and ruffles yeonjun's hair lovingly. yeonjun desperately leans into the touch- like his validation was all that mattered to him. indeed, nothing else mattered to yeonjun at the moment. just beomgyu and him in their safe haven.
"eat up, hyung." beomgyu asks him to eat, so yeonjun would eat. his main goal was to please beomgyu. be the perfect one for him. little did he know, he had already achieved his goal. yeonjun attempts to eat the contents from the bowl, but he doesn't have the appetite to finish it. it's not beomgyu's cooking - anything that beomgyu that does for him is perfect. yeonjun feels his eyelids get heavy. he wishes to sleep.
"wanna sleep." yeonjun says more, but between all his mumbling, beomgyu only hears that much. it was enough for him to understand.
"okay." beomgyu leaves the dishes for morning, and walks yeonjun back to the bed.
once yeonjun is tucked into bed, beomgyu is about to leave. beomgyu turns and walks away, and yeonjun objects almost immediately.
"where are you going?" beomgyu turns back and gives an answer to that. "back home, dummy." beomgyu answers. yeonjun's face clearly reflects the disappointment on his face. he doesn't want beomgyu to be even a few meters far. he wants to constantly feel beomgyu around him. he's a little upset.
"no." yeonjun mumbles. "stay."
and beomgyu grins, as if that's what he wanted all along. he comes back near yeonjun's bed, and squats down on the floor near yeonjun's face. beomgyu whispers something, yeonjun knows it's praise. he cannot hear beomgyu's voice over his smile.
beomgyu looks so, so pretty in the dim light of the room. he looks like his savior. beomgyu is his savior after all.
somewhere along yeonjun's incoherent words , beomgyu hears the word kiss. yeonjun sleepy mutters again. "kiss."
this is not new to either of them. they're guilty, of having done this before. couple like intimacy has never been foreign to either of them.
and so, beomgyu leans in. so slowly at first- so if yeonjun found anything wrong, he can push him away. when beomgyu sees no signs of yeonjun avoiding the kiss, and rather meeting him half way, beomgyu takes his chance.
it's like all the wind out of yeonjun is knocked away the moment he locks lips with beomgyu. a spark of electricity runs through his body, and something in his screams- 'yeah, he's the one!'
now yeonjun knows, that beomgyu is the only one for him. who else would take care of him so lovingly, with so much emotion, in the middle of the night?
beomgyu let's his hands hold yeonjun's face position. he kisses yeonjun with his all, his concern for yeonjun's current state, his love for yeonjun. beomgyu gives his all to this kiss. this one was about yeonjun.
a rough three minutes later, beomgyu finds himself seated in yeonjun's lap, and he's the one desperately kissing yeonjun. even though he's the one in yeonjun's lap- he looks so small. he feels so small. usually, yeonjun wouldn't let beomgyu lead anything ever, but today- the way yeonjun just surrenders so easy to beomgyu is cute. beomgyu finds it nice.
beomgyu realises, that yeonjun wasn't feeling well not some time ago. beomgyu does not want to help yeonjun cope up his this daily stress with the help of intimate acts like this which meant nothing to yeonjun. beomgyu pulls away slowly from yeonjun hesitantly. he doesn't want to keep his hands, lips off yeonjun one bit. but he does. for the sake of his sanity.
yeonjun, on the other hand has no intentions of stopping one bit. he grabs beomgyu's retrieving hand and pulls him back closer. beomgyu cannot help himself any more, not now, not like this. beomgyu slowly kisses down yeonjun's pretty smooth neck. he finds it quite soothing and intimate. he likes it. yeonjun definitely likes it too.
now beomgyu knows that he needs to be firm, with both himself and yeonjun. and so he pulls away for real this time, the pout very evident on yeonjun's face. beomgyu feels bad, and almost catches himself in time before he kisses yeonjun again. he looks away for a bit while yeonjun continues digging dagger into beomgyu with his fixed gaze.
"not now, okay hyung?" beomgyu looks back at yeonjun, who's just now playing with beomgyu's fingers. yeonjun has a disappointed look on his face, but nonetheless, he nods. he knows that beomgyu wants the best for him, for them. yeonjun listens. he moves a little farther away from beomgyu for his own sake.
"you're going to sleep now, okay?" beomgyu asks, brushing yeonjun's hair out of his face. his hyung's eyes look better than before, beomgyu notices. he's glad, he really is, that his presence could make some sort of difference in yeonjun's mood.
yeonjun mutters something in a small voice, and beomgyu is confused. "what?" beomgyu's puzzled mind cannot comprehend.
" we ." yeonjun says. " we are going to sleep now." yeonjun corrects, and beomgyu's face is uplifted as easy as that. beomgyu smiles bright, and yeonjun mirrors it. yeonjun continues speaking. "live with me." he breathes, so geniunely. beomgyu thinks yeonjun is drunk. there's no way his weak heart could allow living in the same house as yeonjun. but another part of beomgyu really, really wants to agree to him. beomgyu imagines what life would be, staying with yeonjun twenty four by seven.
he feels a little giddy. beomgyu gives a small nod to yeonjun. "you mean that?"
"yeah." yeonjun breathes back. "shift here."
"okay." beomgyu agrees simply. the levels of domesticity is really getting to beomgyu's head, and yeonjun's too. he cannot wait to wake upto beomgyu's gorgeous face every morning. "ask me again tomorrow. i'll agree then."
yeonjun hums, as both of them lay next to each other in yeonjun's bed comfortably, tangled in one another. beomgyu couldn't tell where his leg was. but he liked it so much. beomgyu's heart swells up with so much love for his yeonjun hyung, it makes him go dizzy.
"saw the sunset without you today." beomgyu whispers slowly to yeonjun. "missed you."
"take me tomorrow?" yeonjun asks. "we'll see it together."
"promise?" beomgyu lifts up his pinky finger, and yeonjun smiles a bit. he connects his own finger with beomgyu's. he feels safe having promised something to beomgyu. everything feels safe when it's with beomgyu.
habitually, yeonjun turns beomgyu on the side, preparing to hold him tight and fall asleep peacefully. beomgyu has different ideas. better ones, he feels. when beomgyu wriggles out of his grasp, yeonjun believes that he's crossed the line over platonic relationships.(spoiler: they've already done that long ago)
"today...i'll be the big spoon."
beomgyu's words are confusing. yeonjun has a puzzled looked plastered on his face.
"don't think too much hyung, just turn over." beomgyu instructs. "i'm sleepy."
yeonjun once again, listens to beomgyu. he turns over obediently and he feels beomgyu's hand over his tummy. beomgyu gives it one, two gentle rubs and then rests it there. a portion of his fingertips sneak underneath the fabric of yeonjun's loose tee, but he doesn't seem to even mind the cold fingers. yeonjun feels happy in beomgyu's arms. '
beomgyu's arms feel like home. now yeonjun knows what he's missing in life. and he wasn't letting it slip right out of his hands.
yeonjun looks over a sleeping beomgyu.
yeah, he could get used to this.