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“hey–come on, peter, baby, honey. you know i was joking. i didn’t mean to say it in front of everyone!” harley complains, peter’s grip on his arm nearly bruising.
the barely-shorter boy scoffs, and finally lets go. “right, you didn’t mean to call me a good boy in front of the avengers. sure. you only say it because it embarrasses me, you wouldn’t say it as actual praise.”
it’s true, at least. harley would have used some other form of praise if he meant it. he just wanted to make peter choke.
he doesn’t say this, of course.
“come on, babe, i promise i won’t do it again. pinky promise.”
“you’re a goddamn liar, keener, and you know it. could you imagine if i just started calling you daddy in front of everyone? just to embarrass you. they’re practically family, they don’t need to hear that shit.”
harley groans, ignoring the heat suffocating his stupid traitorous ears. “i know, pete, i promise i won’t do it again. i swear on–i swear on the iron lad suit, i won’t do it again.”
“you don’t even call me that in bed,” peter complains, “so trying to play it off like it was an accident doesn’t even make sense!”
“baby,” harley says, soft, reaching down to hold peter’s hand, “do you want me to call you a good boy?”
peter sighs. “no, you’re fine. call me that again and i will out you for your daddy kink.”
“as if you don’t have a daddy kink as big as mine.”
“okay, but i don’t like to be called daddy, i just like to call you daddy, ‘cause–well. it makes you fuck me harder.”
harley grins. “oh, is that all?”
—
on a bright thursday afternoon, peter is having lunch with mj and ned at mj’s current workplace. she gets a forty percent discount, which she happily uses to order the three of them food. ned is sitting beside peter, typing away at his laptop–surely working on some essay due today or tomorrow. ned does that now that he’s in college, puts work off until the last minute. he never used to.
“–and tony was like, i still don’t get why you didn't go to mit! as if he doesn’t get that i don’t wanna leave new york. it’s a two hundred mile drive–and i would have to live on campus! not happening. so i said–”
“hey,” mj interrupts, looking up from the phone in her hand. “who’s daddy?”
peter blinks.
the phone in her hand is not her phone.
it’s his phone.
“peter?”
“uh, well, it’s a joke,” he finally says, uncertainly. “it’s just–just harley.”
ned rolls his eyes, closes his laptop (finally), and sets a stare on peter. “sure it is. just like how he calls you darling as a joke.”
“okay, well, i don’t actually call him daddy. i don’t care if you believe me.”
yes, he does. because that is so embarrassing and so not the conversation he wanted to have today.
“it’s okay,” mj proclaims, “my new, um, friend? jenny? her girlfriend calls her daddy.”
“huh. i honestly didn’t think i would have multiple friends with daddy kinks when i started college, but i guess here i am. wow, peter and mj. i really wasn’t expecting this.”
mj pouts. “hey, i do not. i said jenny's girlfriend–”
peter interrupts, “dude, we both know you’re dating jenny. she talks about you in stat. it’s so cute it makes me want to throw up.”
mj looks between her boys, hums, and smiles fondly. “…okay. but if you tell anybody what i said–” she makes a slashing motion across her throat. “–i won’t hesitate, bitch.”
—
“–uh, sure, dad,” peter scoffs, crossing his arms indignantly.
harley hums, soft, and leans in. close. almost too close. “oh, so i got demoted? i’m not daddy anymore?”
and, oh, peter can feel his gaze go almost out of focus looking in those pretty blue eyes, and his arms drop to his sides. fuck. fuck. that shouldn’t be that hot. he swallows, watching harley’s eyes catch on his throat.
“you can always earn the title back,” peter offers.
—
+1
“karen, will you…can you call dad?” peter asks, holding his wrist up to speak into his watch, as he looks at the…very much exploded iron man suit with a frown.
“sure thing, peter,” karen agrees. her voice is a little too smug and peter doesn’t notice until– “calling daddy.”
he chokes on a gasp, “oh my god. fuck, wait, stop–”
harley’s phone starts to ring.
“…i meant call mister stark,” peter mumbles, carefully avoiding looking at clint or natasha, who are absolutely staring at him.
harley is giggling like the absolute menace that he is, sitting on a table and acting like he didn’t cause the explosion in the first place, as he declines the call.
peter sighs. “karen, you know damn well what i meant. fri, can you call tony, please?”
“gotcha, mini-boss.”
“at least somebody here doesn’t hate me. thank you, friday. you’re my favorite.”
“thank you, peter.”
the murder twins have been suspiciously quiet this entire time, but peter doesn’t think this is the right time to mention it. a moment later, there’s a staticky sound and tony’s voice is suddenly coming through the speakers.
“what’s up, kiddos? what’d you break?” he asks. he sounds tired.
“iron man suit,” harley speaks, short and simple.
the call drops.
tony arrives within the minute–said minute is filled by an awkward staring contest between peter and natasha, who seems to be trying not to laugh. she still hasn’t said anything.
when tony arrives, however?
“what the hell did you do to my suit?”
“it–”
“peter calls harley–”
“oh my god, shut up!”
“did you just tell natasha to shut up?”
“no, i–”
“she’s basically your mom –”
“wouldn’t that make harley natasha’s husband?”
“alright! everyone shut up.” tony takes a breath and looks around the room. natasha is standing directly in front of peter, an eyebrow raised in tony’s direction. peter has his arms crossed. harley is sitting on a table near the door, grinning. tony sighs. “can–what the hell was that you said about nat and harley, clint?”
“oh,” clint says, standing straight. “well, if pete calls harley daddy and nat’s his mom–”
“fucking suffocate!” peter bursts, throwing his arms up, childishly. “i,” he enunciates, “am twenty-three years old. i’m literally in an ivy league grad school! i deserve to not be bullied like this!”
harley snorts. “baby, that’s exactly a reason people could bully you, but they instead choose to bully you about sex . if anything, i think it just means they aren’t getting any.” he glances at clint and natasha, who are rolling their eyes at him. “…at least you’re a cool nerd, right?”
when he looks back to peter, he’s gone.
“damn. i wanted to bully him, too.”