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For as long as Seungmin could remember, Jeongin had always been aiming for the stars. From their first meeting at school, the boy read books on astronomy and dreamed of entering a university and learning this profession. He had almost no friends, because he was ready to tell everyone about his hobby, while guys of his age were mainly interested in comics and computer games, and not in science. So they quickly left boy alone. Only Felix tolerated him, because he himself was an outsider at school in his own way. A quiet and calm boy who lived in Australia all his childhood and didn't really speak Korean. So they got together, went to school together and sometimes called each other to visit. Seungmin knew Felix since they were neighbors and Seungmin couldn't help but help boy as his parents raised him to be kind to others. Therefore, he offered his help to the guy, saying that he himself would learn to speak English. He dreamed of going to study in Australia, and here is such an opportunity.
And one day Felix invited him to spend time together, but also with his friend from school. Seungmin couldn't refuse, and still believed that his one word, “yes,” changed his life forever, and then he still had no idea how much.
Jeongin conquered over Seungmin from the first seconds. He was handsome, so pure and his eyes reflected the cosmos. And Seungmin drowned and didn't even notice. He listened to Jeongin all evening, and tried to convey to Felix everything that Yang said. They spent all day and all night together, and since then they began to communicate more often. Seungmin became the thread that helped Jeongin and Felix communicate. He never forgot how gratefully his friends looked at him. They appreciated each other and their friendship. They were together all through all the time, and then at high school, Felix had already drifted away from them a little by that time. There was nothing wrong with that, he just had a boyfriend. Hwang Hyunjin is an honors boy who loves dogs and always have his sketchbook. He often hung around with guys from the first days they met in class and at first it was unnoticeable, but Seungmin noticed everything, like the fact that this guy was constantly scribbling something in a notebook and looking at Felix. He thought it was weird and Felix found it cute and just walked over and talked to guy. Hyunjin had all the emotions on his face in an instant, which made Seungmin smile. Felix returned with a phone number and a smile from ear to ear, saying that Hyunjin found him very handsome and liked to draw him, and Felix offered him to have coffee after class. And they started dating, and Seungmin and Jeongin just watched. More precisely, it was mostly Jeongin, who watched, and Seungmin listened to him and looked at him.
“Why aren't you dating?” Hyunjin once asked when Jeongin and Felix went to the bathroom to wash their hands.
“Who?” Seungmin sincerely doesn't understand.
“You and Jeongin,” Hwang replies calmly.
“We are friends,” Seungmin feels confused.
“Friends don't look at each other like that. You look like me when I look at Felix, he told me that himself. Why don't you propose dating Jeongin? He adores you, constantly runs to you, just something happens.”
Seungmin listens to him, nods, and when the guys return, he notices. He notices everything Hyunjin said.
He sticks to Jeongin, listens to his stories, even though he doesn’t understand a lot. And then he volunteers to see him off and Jeongin agrees like it's normal. Yes, this is normal for them, they always do this. Only this time, Seungmin is silent, mumbling something indefinitely at Jeongin’s words.
“Seungmin hyung, are you okay?” Jeongin blowing his lips, “I won't let you go home until you tell me what Hyunjin told you.”
And pulls him home, not accepting failures. Seungmin obediently follows, unable to resist. He never could. For as long as he could remember them, he had never said no to Jeongin. Jeongin was his reason for living.
“Tell me,” Jeongin takes his hand as they sit across the table from each other.
“Tell me, Nini,” Kim begins awkwardly, “can we have the same thing as Felix and Hyunjin?”
Jeongin stares blankly, blinks a few times, frowns, looks down at their hands, then at their mug of hot tea. Jeongin is seventeen years old, he wants to do astronomy, put his soul into it, he has friends who support him, parents who are ready to do anything for the sake of their child's dream. Jeongin isn't sure if he wants a relationship. He's seen relationships in dramas and that's not what he wants. He doesn't like it, but it's different with Seungmin. He is there, always there. He's supportive, he cares, he knows what Jeongin love and knows when Jeongin needs help and when it's best to leave him alone. Jeongin doesn't know how to live without Seungmin. He just can't anymore.
“No,” he replies honestly, but when Seungmin wants to release his hand from his, he tightens his grip, “because we are not them, Seungmin. We may be different.”
How ironic that his words had so much meaning. Seungmin wouldn't want them to be so prophetic. Or, their fates and the fates of their friends were not so different.
“Would you like to be my boyfriend?” Seungmin's voice breaks.
“I can only belong to you.”
You belong only to the stars.
Seungmin is ready to give everything to Jeongin, the whole world, the stars, the galaxy, himself, and he knows that Jeongin loves him back. As strong as he can. They are each other's only ones. They live for each other, and Felix and Hyunjin like to say that the two of them were born just for each other.
Seungmin knows that it is true. He knew from the first time they met, the first kiss, the first night, he always knew that he and Jeongin were either all or nothing. And Jeongin knew, he never said, but he knew. He talked about the stars, but called Seungmin his main star.
“I love you so much.”
Jeongin has hair wet from a shower, he climbed into Seungmin’s lap as soon as he got out of the bath, in their bedroom there is a night light with a starry sky, empty wine glasses and pizza are on the table. The movie they was watching is now on pause, because they are a little not up to it. Jeongin's fingers are hot after showering, as is his whole body. Seungmin feels it so well. The younger holds his face in his hands, kisses him tenderly, whispers words of love and Seungmin gasps. He always misses Jeongin, he literally cannot breathe without him, and his kisses are like a breath of air. They are so dependent on each other that it's just not normal.
Seungmin kisses him back, running his hands around his waist, pulling up his shirt. Jeongin gives in, pulling away for a second so he can easily take off his clothes and snuggle back in.
“I’m constantly exploring the starry sky, but you know, the brightest stars shine in your eyes,” Jeongin says quietly, running his finger over his lips slowly, catching quiet sighs from them.
“They’re only burning there for you,” is all Seungmin can say.
“I’ll never let your stars to go out,” Jeongin chuckles, somehow nervously, and Seungmin almost breaks his heart at these words.
He doesn't know why he suddenly felt scared and hurt. He wants to get rid of this pain, closes his eyes and kisses Jeongin desperately. He replies, as if he understands the feelings of his boyfriend, hugs his neck tightly, which hurts. But Seungmin is ready to endure such pain.
He kisses him on the lips, as passionately as he can, forcing him to moan and whimper, biting his lips, intertwining their tongues and breaking the kiss only when the breath stops. But after a short sigh, he doesn't allow himself to rest, kisses smeared on the cheek, goes to the neck and slowly begins to cover the neck, collarbones with kisses, leaves hickeys, so neat that Jeongin simply adores and then looks at it in the mirror for hours. And Yang himself with his hands reaching under the clothes and trying to get through the layers of sweatshirt and t-shirt to get to the much-desired body. Seungmin wants to help him, but it's hard to tear himself away from the kisses, especially when the younger one moans so gently and Seungmin feels his arousal very well.
“Seungmin,” Yang calls softly, unable to cope, “please.”
And Seungmin can't refuse. He opens up from Jeongin's body to pull off his sweatshirt and t-shirt while Jeongin wastes no time getting up to pull Kim's pants off, then his shorts off, and climb back onto his laps. Every night is special for them, no matter what they do: drink, read, watch a series or spend time in bed without giving each other a break. Seungmin loves all of them. Loves to read books to Jeongin, loves to listen to his lectures on astronomy, loves to hug while they watch a movie, and Jeongin at this time always puts his head on his shoulder, loves to kiss him, loves to listen to his moans, which are always so melodic, and break the silence of the night . This is the best music for Seungmin's ears. He loves, loves, loves him so much.
“You know, we always have sex under a starry sky in our room,” Jeongin’s voice is broken, and his speech is interrupted by another moan, “I want under a real starry sky.”
“Anything for you,” Seungmin collapses onto the bed, letting Jeongin lean over him.
“Then we’ll go stargazing at the most beautiful place, just you and me. You know, there are shining stars so bright.”
Jeongin's voice is weird, and it's not because he says it at the very moment they're having sex. He's just weird, not like that, he's broken, like he's lost. Seungmin is so scared, he reaches for Jeongin, but he doesn’t seem to see it, he is somewhere where Seungmin can’t catch him, he seems to be losing him.
“Jeongin?” comes out too plaintively.
“You know how much I love you, don't you?”
Jeongin leans in closer, kissing the corner of his lips. He is still with him, he will always be with him, or there will be nothing. Jeongin leaves kisses on his cheek, collarbones, chest, moves his fingers, clings to his nipples, forcing him to moan hard, loudly, because it’s so damn good. It's crazy, but it's like they have their own world, from stars, planets, quiet music and coffee in the morning, as if there is nothing else. It's like there's no one else, and they don't need to. Seungmin definitely needs only Jeongin, who is so beautiful, digging his fingers into his skin, leaving scratches, arching with every movement, so slow, lazy and moaning quietly, asking for more. He asks Seungmin to continue, not to stop, pliantly allowing them to switch places and lay him down on the bed. He clings to his hair with his fingers, scratches his back, whispers in his ear how he wants Seungmin to be at least a little rough with him, and Kim is unable to resist. Sometimes you can, especially when they ask so plaintively. Seungmin can't refuse.
Seungmin can't refuse. Seungmin loves Jeongin and doesn't know how to live without him. He doesn't know how. He wakes up one night from a nightmare that he's alone. He feels tears in his eyes, and fear and panic in his heart. He fumbles around the bed looking for his boyfriend and nearly roars when he finds him. Jeongin mumbles something in his sleep and Seungmin can't hold back his tears.
He is afraid of such nightmares, but he is also afraid that they may come true. The brain is confused, as well as reality and fiction too. Seungmin feels like he's going crazy, and it's time for him to either die or go to the hospital. Jeongin promised to show him the brightest stars, promised to take him to the most beautiful place, even wanted to make an propose. He dragged Felix around all the jewelry stores, and it was so important. Important for both of them. Important for Felix and Hyunjin.
Seungmin wants to die, to be honest. He wakes up every day and wants to go back to sleep, but he just can't. In dreams, everything is fine, everything is in order. In dreams, the four of them still meet the stars. In reality, there is only him and Felix and an uncertain future. And doctors say that not everything is lost, but everyone around is giving up. No one believes, neither parents, nor friends, nor colleagues at work. None.
Seungmin feels empty. As if everything was sucked out of him, he feels lonely, as if no one understands him. Except Felix. They were left alone with all this, and there are only two ways out. The people around the third one they think is the best one. Best for them, but Seungmin doesn't think so. Forgetting and moving on is not right for him. He can't let go of the one he loves so much.
“Honey, you can’t spend your whole life like this. He may never come to his senses,” his mother once again finds him in the hospital.
“He promised to show me the stars, Mom.” Seungmin breaks at the last word.
He feels bad, everything infuriates him so much that he would go out the window if there were not at least one percent of a good outcome in all this. And while he is, Seungmin doesn't dare to give up. Although he wants to, he really wants to, but most of all he would like to be in his own boyfriend's arms now, so that all this would be just a terrible nightmare, like one of those that he saw. He wants to see Jeongin smile, wants to hear his natural voice as he talks about another case that interests him. He wants Jeongin to fulfill his dreams. He wants it so sincerely that he would give his life in return.
His mother leaves, leaving him alone, she's gave up and unable to help her son, and Seungmin doesn't need to. He stares absently at the sensor, phone clicking notifications that Felix won't be coming to dinner. Funny because they never done it, it happens only if the doctors forced them to. Seungmin knows how Lee feels, they're in such fucking similar situations it makes him want to laugh hysterically. Seungmin laughs and then starts crying again. It's badly amazing how in one moment you can just lose everything that is most precious to you.
Seungmin absentmindedly flips through their messages, resting his head on the bed. He doesn't often listen to Jeongin's voice messages because it's still makes feel so unbearable. Hearing Jeongin laughing about how funny his day at work was or how he met their classmates. Sometimes Seungmin still turns them on, transported to moments when everything was so simple and they only cared about whether there was meat for dinner or they just should ordering pizza. Seungmin so wants to go back to that time. He's tired, it seems to him that several years have passed, not a couple of months. But for him everything is the same, one solid mess, in which there is a weak way out, but he alone will not find it.
It's cold, but it's also dark and scary. He doesn't know where he is, but it's empty and lonely, a little more and he can disappear to the ends. Seungmin looks around, trying to find what he needs until he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around abruptly and sees Jeongin.
“Innie...”
“Remember, I promised to show you the brightest stars,” Jeongin takes his hand and leads him up somewhere, “You know, I just had to take you to the mirror. Min, I've said so often about the brightest stars that's burning in your eyes.”
Jeongin touches his cheek and looks as gently as only he can. Seungmin's heart is breaking and tears are streaming down his cheeks and he can't control them. He starts to cry, wrapping his arms around Jeongin and nuzzling his neck.
“Seungmini, what are you doing,” Jeongin pats his back soothingly, “Please don’t cry”.
“I can’t live without you,” Seungmin says softly. “It doesn't make any sense without you.”
“Come on, Minnie, what are you talking about?” Jeongin wipes his tears with his fingers. “Everything makes sense when it comes to us.”
Kim shakes his head.
“Not without you.”
“Seungmin...”
“We are always and everywhere together. No other way.”
Jeongin smiles. He himself is crying, because he knows that this is the only way they exist, they’re connected with each other. He leans down and touches his forehead to Seungmin's.
“Do you remember what I told you?” He exhales raggedly before continuing, “I won’t let your stars to go out.”
Seungmin sobs.
“You are my main star, Kim Seungmin,” he kisses him, putting all the love and affection he can into it. “Come on, Felix and Hyunjin are waiting for us.”