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For the acting grand master to be eavesdropping was something that rarely happened- certainly, there were some times where a human’s curiosity by nature overtook rational thought. Jean knew as well as anyone that she needed to mind her own business, but when the blonde saw him carrying flowers away from the City of Mondstadt every so often, she couldn’t help but wonder if there was someone he was romantically involved with. Perhaps just a part of her wanted to be able to let go of the constant hopeless pining that was clearly one-sided.
“Master Diluc, I’m glad you’ve stopped by this morning. Are you looking for the usual bouquet of flowers?” She recognized the voice to be Donna’s, a florist at Floral Whisper who she talked to regularly. She seemed sweet, but evidently starstruck in Diluc’s presence.
“I am. I appreciate you for preparing them for me on such short notice,” she heard the redhead reply, his voice a little more soft than usual. Not enough that anyone would notice except for her or Kaeya, though.
“O-of course, Master Diluc. I’m happy to help anytime. I-I think what you’re doing is sweet.”
“I’m flattered, but it isn’t a big gesture. So long as we continue to keep this between us?”
“Always.”
Her heart stopped for a moment. It was a weird knot in her stomach that she couldn’t seem to get out. She wanted to find closure in knowing if something was going on between him and another girl. Even if not Donna, it was obvious from her voice that the flowers were specially crafted for someone important.
I should get back to headquarters, she reminded herself, trying to shove the thought aside. She wondered how he never truly talked things out with her, but could form a relationship so easily. Just like that. She gently chided herself for eavesdropping in the first place- she had no right to spy on personal matters, and she’d keep what she heard a secret.
Even if it crushed her.
“Something’s amiss with you, Jeanie.”
The blonde looked up at her cavalry captain from the work on her desk. “Hm?” she asked, feigning innocence. Surely it hadn’t been that clear to everyone that she’d felt somewhat sick to her stomach for days. It shouldn’t have bothered her. She shouldn’t have cared so much. It wasn’t her place to intervene.
“I suppose we could play that game, but I’m not interested in dancing around things. I know what’s going on.”
“What are you insinuating?” She looked back down at her page and slowly clenched and unclenched one of her fists, fearing he’d say something about Diluc’s love life that she didn’t want to- and wasn’t ready- to hear.
“You’re jealous.”
“What?” She placed her hand to her heart. “I’m not jealous. I certainly don’t feel jealous.” She didn’t understand the feeling of jealousy. She’d never experienced it. Maybe she’d wished for things before, but she’d never wanted to take them away from anyone else.
“Maybe it isn’t a raging one, but just some slight changes in your appetite and your staring out the window every so often suggest otherwise.”
Maybe she did stare out the window for much too long, over at Angel’s Share or the winery from far away helplessly desiring nothing more than another chance with him. Internally, maybe she was scowling over the fact that someone had Diluc.
He’d fallen for someone, but it wasn’t her.
A part of her refused to move on, and the lump in her throat always remained there when she thought of it. She truly did envy whoever he’d found happiness with.
But as the acting grand master- as his friend - she didn’t need to interfere, or tell him about her affections- she just needed to be happy for him, and she would be, but not yet.
“I… may feel uncertain about a few things, but I’ll be fine. Thank you for your concern, but I-“
“Diluc’s still in love with you, you know.” He sauntered over to her desk and sat on his hand, seeming rather amused at her flustered reaction.
“I- er- ahem, what ?”
“Always was, the poor fool. Thought you noticed that from the very beginning and was simply waiting for him to grow a pair and say something to you. Maybe you’re more dense than I give you credit for.” He smirked as she flushed, pacing slightly before she leaned against the railing near her bookshelves.
“I… didn’t notice.” It didn’t mean Kaeya was right about his feelings, though. Even though he may have felt that way back then, it didn’t explain what he was doing with Donna so frequently.
“Oh, please. Before he left, he was practically giving you signals. The flowers at your house, the sweets left in the headquarters for you after missions- none of that seemed like Diluc’s doing? Even with the slightly charred book spine on your favorite novel that had mysteriously been gifted to you when you became the dandelion knight? None of that struck you as him?”
She took a moment to think about what Kaeya was saying. Maybe it was so. It was like she had a secret admirer back when she was in the knights, and she adored it. An experience straight out of a romance novel, just for her.
She cleared her throat. “I trust what you’ve said is true, but I have reason to believe he doesn’t feel that way anymore.”
“Oh, because every vigilante goes out of his way to help tailor an outfit for an ‘enemy’, especially adding his own ideas to the design. And every loner lets his ‘enemies’ shut down his tavern for an evening for one of their affairs. But whatever you say, Jeanie. I’m sure this is all a huge misunderstanding, and for once, I’m shocked to see you’re jumping to conclusions without more information. What a shame.” He got up and swiftly left her office, leaving her to her thoughts.
She tapped her fingers against the edge of the desk as she tried to picture all of the times she’d received gifts and never returned so many to him. Guilt washed over her.
Even if it is true, he’s done so much for me… how could I ever be enough for that?
“Master Jean!!”
She turned to see the florist from the other day running towards her with some flowers carefully wrapped with a pretty, lacy ribbon tied around the stems.
“I have an anonymous gift for you. Maybe from a special someone who’s chasing after you…” the brunette suggested with a smile. She took the flowers carefully, noticing they were the same combination she’d gotten so long ago…
They were a mixture of windwheel asters, cecilias, and dandelions. Every single one was perfect, and the fragrance brought back old memories. Running through the fields, running to Windrise, to Starsnatch Cliff, holding his hand to make sure they could never be separated in the rain.
Her heart lurched, thinking realistically. Maybe it was simply a gift to try and make her feel better. Or maybe, just maybe, it was what she’d always wanted.
“Thank you for delivering this to me, Donna. I don’t suppose you’ve confessed to Master Diluc yet?” she hinted, trying to figure out if there was any reason why she was so happy to be gifting her the bouquet from her crush to another girl.
“No, Master Diluc isn’t interested, but I’m glad he let me know instead of leading me on. I was sort of having a new crush, anyway.” She tapped her fingers together, her gaze shifting to the sky. “Can you keep a secret?”
“As always,” she promised. She’d given her the information she needed, so the least she could do was hear the fellow hopeless romantic out.
“I have a crush on the Darknight Hero,” she admitted, putting her hands to her cheeks. “I can’t stop thinking about how he saved me.”
Lord Barbatos, guide us. Jean couldn’t help but feel bad for her, knowing fully well that the Darknight Hero and Diluc were one in the same. As the brunette departed, Jean took a deep breath.
She had to find Diluc.
Jean held the flowers close to her chest as she tried to approach the winery. She guessed that Donna would have found her as soon as she could for Diluc’s sake, and if he’d gotten more flowers as per usual, he could still be around on his way back on the path to his home.
A distinct speckle of red caught her eye as she halted. There he was, headed into the forest with the same flowers as always. He always had something to do; perhaps it was a shortcut. She tried not to follow to figure out for herself, but she couldn’t stop her steps after him, doing her best to catch up without rushing.
She stopped when they finally got deeper into the woods, reaching a point where there was the foot of a tiny hill and an area cleared out before it. Small lamp grass lined it, as if repelling the trees from coming close to such a sacred area. Diluc was sitting before a grave, having laid the fresh bouquet in front of it.
“I’m sorry.” He’d said, nothing more than that. Crepus Ragnvindr was etched on the tombstone, appearing somewhat worn after the few years of being dead. She wanted to comfort him, but she also didn’t want to risk hurting his pride by aiding him without permission. She regretted following him, disrupting his privacy, but as soon as she turned to leave-
“Jean?”
She whirled back around, but he wasn’t facing her. He still seemed fixed on the grave, and it never occurred to her until then how much guilt truly weighed on his shoulders about the dead of his father. He hadn’t saved him, and he showed great remorse for that.
“I apologize, I shouldn’t have-“
“No, it’s fine.” He finally drew back to his feet, and she managed to meet his eyes, which were filled with genuine despair. “Better you than anyone else.” His voice was calm, somewhat eerie, and he spoke a little louder so she could hear him. “It’s an apology gift. Because I could never be with you.”
“I-“ she started to try and formulate a reply, but his words broke her heart. You should have never thought anything of it. To be focused on him rather than Mondstadt is disloyal to the family motto. You shouldn’t have been foolish.
“Jean. You want to know what happened four years ago, don’t you?” He didn’t even let her respond before continuing on, “An explanation is what you deserve, but once I tell you, you’re well within your right to never talk to me again.”
“I don’t understand,” she murmured. Everything felt numb. How could she never want to talk to him again? They were best friends, he was an escape from everything, how could he-
“I killed my father.”
She seemed startled, in complete disbelief of the statement, but she couldn’t search his eyes for the truth. His back was to her again. It had to be impossible. Diluc did everything for Crepus. He motivated him through everything. There was absolutely no way it was true.
Yet he didn’t stop talking.
“On my eighteenth birthday, Ursa the drake interfered with our carriage ride home. I stepped out to try and defeat him. My vision did nothing to stop the pathetic creature. That’s when my father stepped in. He used a device to vanquish the beast, but in return, his own power backfired on him. He was given injuries that no healer could ever fix. Agony was the only thing in his voice as he tried to speak to me. I had two options; let him writh in pain, or put him out of his misery.”
Jean’s eyes went wide, putting a hand to her mouth. She did all she could to keep her composure, somewhat relieved that he couldn’t see her expression. No, no, he couldn’t have chosen to-
“The choice was simple. I killed my father with my own blade. I was the reason he died. I wasn’t strong enough, and in return, my weaknesses cost my own father his life.” His voice was layered with so many emotions. Anger. Frustration. Depression. Pain. Sorrow. He didn’t cry. In fact, his tone still held a hollowness to it, but it was an emptiness that still sung a thousand laments.
She couldn’t breathe for a moment, trying to picture how it felt, what was running through his mind, but she finally understood everything that happened that day. Kaeya told her of the truth- that they’d showed up to find Crepus dead, and he was responsible for killing the monster- but he didn’t utter a word about his own son ending his life, likely because he didn’t know. It made much more sense for him to run from everything after feeling compelled to put his own flesh and blood out of his misery, only to have his faith in the world stomped on by Eroch.
“I’m a murderer, to put it simply. I investigated the strange power myself, known as delusions, and I killed who I had to for answers. I sought out the truth, but I never found it.” He faced her again, but didn’t spare a glance at her as he walked past her. “I understand that my actions are inexcusable. You don’t have to forgive me, but I thought I owed you that much information.”
Footsteps. She caught his sleeve, holding onto it tight enough that he couldn’t break free.
“You need to stop blaming yourself, Diluc. I don’t.” She pressed her face into his arm. She missed it all- the laughter, the teasing, his toothy grins- she wished she could have it all back for just one minute. “Please. Let me stay with you for just this once. Let me show you that you aren’t a lost cause- not now, and not ever.”
Let me love you. I still do.
All she felt was fingers being wrapped around her head gently, and she leaned her head into his chest. Neither said a word for a very long time, letting themselves cherish the much needed touch for as long as time would allow.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t smart enough to figure out that you were behind everything years ago. All of that secret admirer stuff I rambled on about,” she laughed, resting her hand on her boyfriend’s from across the bar.
“It made you happy to keep it a mystery, so I decided not to spoil the surprise. I certainly couldn’t ruin it,” he replied, raising her hand to his lips to kiss it.
“I don’t think it would’ve been ruining it at all, my love. I would’ve been happy to be with you then, and I’m happy to be with you now,” she reassured, giving his hand a tender squeeze before the tavern door flung open, causing the two to quickly split apart to make it less obvious that they were together.
“Oh? Some alone time between our acting grand master and Master Diluc?” The cavalry captain smirked as he eyed the two, Klee running past him and hopping up onto the bar stool next to Jean.
“Master Jean! Klee lost a tooth today!!” She opened her mouth really wide to show her the gaping hole between two of her bottom teeth. The young visionbearer then gazed over at Diluc. “Weird grownup… isn’t frowning!”
“Hm?” the redhead snapped out of his thoughts. He’d been mindlessly wiping out a glass upon their entry. “I suppose I’m happy for you enough that I’m not frowning.”
“Klee‘s glad!! Klee wants to see weird grownup smile more often! Don’t you, Master Jean?”
“M-me?“ She appeared totally put on the spot, red at what she thought the implication was at first. “I- ahem, of course I do. I find it rather nice to see Master Diluc happy as well.” For a moment, she met his eyes, letting herself see the flame of passion, not out of rage, but out of contentment, and let herself relax.
I love you. She wished she could say to him without verbally expressing it with Kaeya and Klee in the room.
Back turned to the entrance, he leaned against the bar and flashed a smile back at her, showing that she didn’t need to say it.
He already understood.