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Between the late night and early morning hours during the Wyvern Moon, the monastery was completely silent. Most of those still awake at that hour were up to no good.
Sylvain slowly closed the dorm room door behind him. He sighed. The girl he was with was as beautiful as all the others. But she was so quiet. And… aggressive. Oh well. He supposed that in the end, he got what he wanted.
“What are you doing, Sylvain?”
“AH, FUCK!”
Sylvain practically jumped out of his skin. With his hand over his heart, he turned around to see professor Byleth standing there.
“Professor! You almost gave me a heart attack! You can’t just sneak up on a guy like that!”
“My apologies,” they said, “But would you mind telling me why I just saw you come out of a dorm room that isn’t yours at this time of night?”
Sylvain smiled and put his arms behind his head casually.
“Ah, you know me, professor. I just can’t resist a pretty lady.”
Byleth frowned.
“Sylvain. You keep staying up late, skipping class, neglecting your duties. I’m concerned about you. Surely whatever you’re doing isn’t worth it.”
He was taken aback by their words. He had heard it all before. People have been angry, disappointed, grossed out, everything you could think of. But never had anyone been concerned before. Byleth took a step forward and placed their hand on his shoulder.
“Get some sleep, Sylvain.”
“...yes, professor.”
Sylvain returned to his room without further incident. As he lay in bed that night, he thought more about their words.
What could be more worth it than sex? It felt fine enough. The girls were pretty enough. But the most important thing, the thing he did it all for, was that the empty feeling in his heart always went away afterwards. What else could possibly fill that void?
The next day, he was out on the town looking to fill that void once more. He sipped on his drink- non-alcoholic, of course, he didn’t feel that empty- and watched as a brunette woman with plump lips and delicate hands entered. Their eyes met for a brief moment as she walked towards the bar. He turned back to his drink with a smile.
A few moments passed. A few moments more. He didn’t look towards her. He chatted with a raven haired girl for a brief moment. She stood a foot away before she spotted her friend and left without a goodbye. The emptiness grew.
“I couldn’t help but notice you’re here all by yourself.”
Sylvain turned with a smile to see that wonderful brunette standing there.
“Haha, I could say the same about you.”
The conversation took off from there. She introduced herself, but he knew he wouldn’t remember it. She sat so close that their knees almost touched. He put his hand on the counter, hoping, praying.
The woman laughed loudly, placing her hand atop his. There it was. The void shrank ever so slightly.
He took her to his dorm that night. She consumed him and made him whole once more. She was just like all the others. She was just as average. But still, as Sylvain stared up his ceiling that night, his chest felt warm.
The next morning, Felix saw the woman leaving Sylvain’s dorm room. He flung the door open and told Sylvain exactly how he felt about his “skirt-chasing.” The same thing he always told him. The same thing Sylvain always heard from everyone around him. Except Byleth… and except Mercedes. When Felix slammed the door shut, Sylvain buried himself under the covers once more. But he just couldn’t fall back asleep. With a huff, he threw the blankets off of himself and got out of bed.
Sylvain arrived to class right on time. He sat in the front and took lots of notes on professor Byleth’s lecture. Beside him, Annette looked at him almost suspiciously, but he just ignored her. After class, Byleth pulled him aside.
“I’ve decided to start teaching you magic.”
“Huh? But why? Aren’t I doing fine with lances?”
Byleth organized their papers together and started to walk, gesturing for Sylvain to follow.
“Yes, you’re doing wonderfully, in fact. However, I’ve been thinking about each individual student and what they contribute to the overall class, and I’ve decided to push everyone, well, almost everyone, out of their comfort zones and have them pursue something new. Starting with you.”
“Me?”
“Indeed. Oh, Alois,” Byleth turned to Alois, who was just passing by, and gave him all of their paperwork, “could you deliver this to Lady Rhea for me? Thank you. As I was saying, Sylvain, I decided to start with you because I think you’ll be the most receptive to this new training. I sense a great proficiency for magic within you.”
Byleth opened the doors to the training grounds, leading Sylvain inside. He was surprised to see Felix wasn’t there for once. In fact, there was barely anyone there. Only a few random knights.
“Give me your hand.”
“Ha, professor, isn’t that a bit forward?”
Byleth grabbed Sylvain’s hand and held it out.
“Reach deep inside yourself. There is energy and magic within you. Find it, focus on it, fuel it.”
Sylvain closed his eyes and tried to follow their instructions. But all he could think about was that ache.
“Relax, Sylvain.”
He dropped his shoulders and unclenched his jaw. He could do this. It’s just magic, right? Mercedes and Annette always made it look so easy.
Sylvain reached deeper inside himself. Past the void. Finally, he found it. He focused on that feeling and fueled it. It grew larger and larger until it burst through the surface.
“Woah!”
A large burst of flame came from his palm, shocking them both. Byleth smiled.
“It seems I was right. You truly are a natural.”
Byleth then taught Sylvain how to control it, how to make it grow and shrink, and how to turn it into a projectile. They also warned him not to overdo it. They said that magic is a manifestation of one’s energy and power, and that just like one who uses a lance, those who wield magic must be cautious and preserve their energy lest they be overwhelmed by the enemy once exhaustion hits.
“I have other matters I must attend to now,” Byleth eventually said. “But you are welcome to stay here and train more if you so wish.”
“Alright. See ya, professor.”
“Farewell, Sylvain.”
Sylvain looked around the now empty training ground. He hadn’t even noticed that everyone else had already left. His palm tingled. He wanted more.
However, it wasn’t long until the training hall doors slammed open.
“Sylvain!! There you are!”
Ingrid came stomping towards him. He knew he was in for it.
“Felix told me what he saw this morning.”
“Since when does Felix tell you anything?”
“Doesn’t matter! You need to stop! From what Felix told me, it sounds like that girl was scared half to death when she saw him.”
“What does that have to do with me? That seems like a Felix problem.”
“Sylvain!”
“Alright, alright, I get it. Is that all you came here to say? I’m busy.”
“Doing what? You don’t even have a training lance.”
“Magic.”
Sylvain held out his palm and let the magic flow forth. Ingrid’s eyes widened, amazed by what she saw.
“Woah, Sylvain… I had no idea you knew how to do magic.”
“I didn’t either. The professor just taught me today. But I’ve been practicing. Watch.”
He threw the ball of fire high into the sky, making it twist and fly around before landing safely back in his hand with a smirk. Ingrid subconsciously reached towards the flame. Suddenly, Sylvain had the inexplicable urge to pull the magic back within himself and grasp Ingrid’s hand.
What? Why would he think that? He didn’t have feelings for Ingrid. Did he?
“A-anyways,” Sylvain stuttered, “it’s getting, um, late. I better head to bed. Night!”
“Oh, good night.”
Sylvain walked past her and all the way to his dorm room before collapsing onto his bed.
He took a moment to get his breath back. After a moment, everything settled. That’s when he felt it again. That void. Had it been there all day? Did it disappear and come back at some point? What was happening? It made no sense. None of this made any sense. Sex, magic, was it all the same? Or was he making a fool of himself by equating the two? He didn’t know. For the first time in so long, he didn’t know.
His proficiency in magic improved in the next week thanks to Byleth’s tutelage. The same thing happened every day. All day he would be distracted, he would be happy and free, but as soon as he was alone in his room that terrible feeling would be back once more.
Once the weekend came, Byleth had other matters to attend to, giving Sylvain a free day. He went to the training grounds, but his intention wasn’t to practice his magic. He spotted a female knight with dirty blonde hair and a sparkle in her eye. She looked close enough to the girl he had been thinking about the past week.
A wink. A cheesy pick-up line. An offer to spar. She responded enthusiastically to each of his advantages. He won the spar with his years of experience with the lance, and when he held his hand out to help her stand, she took it, and a soft smile crossed Sylvain’s face.
“Meet me at my dorm tonight. I have to see you again.”
She giggled.
“Okay.”
It was fine. Just like all the other times. She was fine. Even though he knew that she wasn’t Ingrid, it still made him certain that he wasn’t attracted to his friend. But if so, why did he so desperately want to grasp her hand that day?
At the stroke of midnight, he got out of bed and got dressed. He wandered the monastery grounds aimlessly. He felt like he was being consumed with terrible dread. That woman did nothing to patch his heart.
When Sylvain came to his senses, he found himself standing in the church. He broke down, fell to his hands and knees, and sobbed as the goddess and her children simply gazed down upon him. He felt cursed. He didn’t like any of those women. He didn’t like the sex. It wasn’t fine. How could he? The goddess had forsaken him and he deserved it.
Arms wrapped around him. Sylvain gasped.
“It’s alright. I’m here now.”
Mercedes. He gripped onto her shoulders and sobbed into her neck. She wrapped her arms around him even tighter and slowly ran her fingers through his hair. Her touch felt like home. He never wanted her to leave.
Maybe this is what he was missing. In that moment, he didn’t know exactly what that meant. Just… this.
Mercedes kissed his forehead ever so gently. She looked down at him with so much love and care as she caressed his face. Yes. This. This is everything he’s ever wanted. Who cares about sex when there’s this? This could fill that void better than anything else in his life.
Sylvain couldn’t remember the last time someone held him like this. He sank into it, letting himself be touched, cared for, loved.
Slowly, ever so slowly, the void became filled.