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It had taken Todd a few days to accept, but on January 21st, Neil declared him completely and utterly sick, as well as officially barred from leaving their dorm room. He'd noticed a few days before how Todd’s voice croaked every time he tried to talk, how he’d moved their tissue box to the side of his bed- in prime reaching access for one of his room-shaking sneezes-, yet every time he even brought up the idea of sickness Todd shook his head belligerently and returned to whatever book he had been burying his nose in before. It all came back to Neil as he walked to their room, food in hand.
———
“Todd, pretending to be reading Thoreau all day to ignore me isn't going to make you any less sick.”
“I’m not-” he was overcome by a fit of coughs before he could finish, doubling over into the green cotton of his sheets.
“I'm not sick,” he nervously continued, wary that at any second he might cough again, “and I am reading Thoreau, thank you very much. It’s for Keating’s class, you know.”
He returned to his ‘reading’, firmly giving Neil the cold shoulder. The brunette, ever stubborn, instead scooped the book from his hands, holding it frustratingly high over Todd’s head.
“Well… now you’re not!” he quipped, shaking it teasingly above him.
“Neil- come on-“ Tod pleaded, unburying his hands from his cocoon of sheets to make a grab for the book, “at least mark the page I was on-“
He shook the book just once more, smiling down at the blonde below him. Sighing melodramatically, he took a sprawled piece of paper filled with little poems from Todd’s bed and slid it into the book as a bookmark.
“Are you happy now?”
“Maybe I would be if you weren’t keeping my book captive like it was some-“ He pauses, taking a sudden breath in. His hands reach up seemingly on their own accord, bracing himself for the sneeze that followed. It echoed throughout the room and perhaps into the stratosphere.
Todd reached out for a tissue, finding Neil already there with one in hand. He muttered something like a thank you, blowing his nose with ferocity that it had Neil wincing slightly.
“You’re sick, Toddy. Just admit it,” he prodded at the very obviously sick boy, picking up a trash can for Todd to dispose of the tissue in. The only sound in the room was the gentle swish of the trash bag as Neil waited for his answer.
“Can I have my book back if I do?”
—————
And that was how he, Neil Perry, finally broke the impenetrable wall that was Todd’s type A personality… almost. Well, it was really more of a small crack, but it was progress. Despite his pleas, Todd never did put down his book, but he had gotten him to sleep instead of doing the rest of his homework. That could come at a later date; All he needed to do now was relax.
Neil knocked on the door, cracking it open cautiously in case Todd had decided to sleep again, or… other unmentionable things. He peeked around the door, finding his roommate snoring softly in his bed. Smiling a bit to himself, the actor couldn’t help but somehow find the sound endearing. The ancient floorboards creaked under his shoes, each step telling the history of all the students that had ever walked through those hallowed halls. Neil almost cursed to himself when the floor squeaked particularly loud, yet he cursed outright when he’d realized seconds later that he’d woken Todd from his peaceful nap.
“Who is it?” the drowsy boy muttered, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“Walt Whitman.”
Todd opened his eyes slightly, squinting over at Neil. A look of tired confusion came over his face like he had actually considered that the dead poet might have been in his room for a moment.
“No, you’re not,” he said dumbly, voice cracking slightly at the last syllable.
“You’re very perceptive, Toddy,” Neil praised, striding further into the room to set a gift down on Todd’s bedside table. Knowing the other boy, Neil guessed he would have probably rolled his eyes or made a snappy remark if he hadn’t heard the distinct thunk of ceramic against wood. Food was piled up high on the plate, a roll almost spilling off of the side of it. Todd’s dreary eyes lit up, rushing to grab the roll before it fell.
“How- How did you sneak all of this out?” Todd questioned in disbelief, biting into the food at once.
“Let’s just say I know a guy,” Neil announced mysteriously, raising his eyebrows for added effect.
Todd just stared dubiously back, still chewing.
“Ok! Ok!” He put his hands up in self defense. ”The other boys pretended to all throw up and I slipped away in the chaos.”
The other broke out in a mix of laughter and coughing, crumpling into his sheets with a grin on his face. Quickly, the sound became much more ‘cough-like’, Todd shaking with every breath that left his lips. Neil frowns, placing the back of his hand on Todd’s forehead once he had recovered.
“You feel hotter than you did yesterday. Are you sure you’re not feeling any worse?” His eyebrows furrowed together in worry, testing with his other hand just to be sure he was correct.
Todd shrugged his hand off, returning to that closed off look that Neil hated so dearly.
“I’m fine, Neil, really.” He spoke firmly, adding, “Thank you for the food,” after a moment.
The boy in question nodded back, settling down at his own desk. He couldn’t help but feel a bit let down every time Todd shut him down like that. Neil was a naturally caring person; He hadn’t had any siblings like Todd, but he worked babysitting around his neighborhood during the summer to raise some extra money for his family, so you could call him practically as well versed in helping others out. Yet, no matter how hard he tried, Todd would never allow him to care for him, not even for a second. It was frustrating to say the least, not that he was mad of course. Though Neil seemed to be wired to help everyone but himself out, he also respected people's boundaries perhaps a little bit more.
The boy sighed to himself, fingers thrumming through the growing collection of drink packets that made their home on the corner of his workstation. On busy days like these, there was nothing better at calming him down than a nice warm blend of tea. He admitted that he had become a bit obsessed- like three cups a day obsessed- ever since he had gotten a kettle from his family for Christmas. It was really a rather odd gift- perhaps even rivaling Todd’s infamous desk set- but it plugged into the wall and helped Neil cook his ramen noodles along with his tea, so he wasn’t particularly mad about the arrangement.
It swirled to life at the touch of a button, just the sound of the gentle bubbling already soothing his nerves as he started to get out a couple textbooks from his bag. Over the quiet noise, he heard shifting from behind him, turning around to find Todd staring curiously at the kettle that sat perched on his desk. The blonde had never fully woke up, a heavy-eyed expression on his face as he finally noticed that the other had caught him staring. He jumped slightly in his seat, flushing down to his collar like he’d been caught watching something terrible. Todd had been doing it all week, staring longingly every time Neil made tea only to turn away and deny it the second Neil asked about it. He was fed up, in the nicest way possible of course.
“Do you want a cup of tea, Toddy?” He finally asked, looking at Todd with a knowing expression.
“Oh no- Really, it’s ok,” he assured, adding “Thank you though” again after a moment. Despite the reassurance, he saw Todd’s shoulders droop slightly. Neil sighed, pausing a moment before finally deciding to take charge.
“So, what type of tea do you want?”
Neil spun around in his seat, already leafing through his collection again.
“Neil- You really don’t have to-“
“I have…” he interrupted, pausing for a second to search, “Earl Gray, Jasmine, Oolong, oh and Indian Chai!”
He turned around once more when he didn’t get an answer, finding Todd sitting there with an unreadable look on his face.
“It’s not a big deal, ok?” he assured him, his words softening the second his eyes met with Todd’s. “Plus, it’ll help with your throat,” he continued, “So, what will it be?”
“I, um, I don’t know. I’ve never had any tea before,” Todd admitted shyly like it was the craziest thing in the world. To Neil, perhaps it was.
“What?” He questioned, eyes flying open in feigned disbelief. “Did your mom never make you any when you were sick?” He asked it without thinking, his face falling slightly when Todd didn’t respond like he thought he would.
“She was usually too busy with my brother,” he admitted bitterly, laughing a bit like he hadn’t just said the most internally revealing thing Neil had ever heard him say. For a second Neil swore he saw the walls of Todd’s psyche begin to break, but it was just another crack.
“Oh.”
Oh.
An uncomfortable silence enveloped the room, causing Neil to scratch nervously at the collar of his school shirt. He wanted desperately to tear at the wall, to finally find out what made Todd tick, but he didn’t.
“ Well, then I’ll be sure to make the best tea of your life,” he said half heartedly, smiling awkwardly at the other.
He smiled back just as awkwardly, making sure to comment “and the only tea of my life.”
“The best, and only, tea of your life,” he corrected, taking in the way Todd’s smile became slightly more genuine.
Neil decided Todd’s tea of choice was Oolong, Neil’s own favorite, and got to work quickly, tearing open the packets and setting them in two stray mugs before finally pouring the water in. After everything was set, Neil wound up a spare kitchen timer to go off when they were done steeping. It was a rather easy process, yet the entire time Todd watched as if he was entranced, his eyes never leaving Neil as he worked. If Neil noticed, he hid it pretty well, and before the blonde knew it he was already being handed a warm mug of his own. He looked at the liquid inside curiously, watching it turn a pretty shade of brown right before his eyes.
“It takes a couple of minutes to steep,” Neil reminded, looking warily at Todd.
Todd scoffed back.
“I know that, Neil.” He tried to sound stern, yet the image was ruined by a particularly stuffy sounding sniffle produced just a second later.
The next few minutes were spent in silence, but by no means were they uneventful. Todd continued being fascinated with his drink, swirling his little spoon around the rim, creating a noise that, combined with his incessant coughing, would usually drive most people insane. Neil didn’t mind it. He was content to occasionally look up at the other boy, his heart fluttering softly inside his chest every time he caught Todd smiling down at his tea. He liked it when Todd smiled.
The brunette was rudely startled from his thoughts by the timer, almost spilling his freshly made Oolong tea along with it. He quickly got up to shut the timer off, finding the sound much more unpleasant than the noise Todd had been making before. He pulled on the string of the teabag, lifting it up and pressing his own spoon against it with the deft skill that only someone who had practiced before could achieve. After thoroughly draining his tea bag, he chucked it into the nearby trash can and sat down on his own bed with a sigh of relief. Todd mimicked the other boy clumsily, throwing his tea bag away seconds later.
“Well, try it,” Neil said, anticipation clear in his voice.
Todd hovered over the mug, taking one last breath before taking a sip from it. He quickly scrunched up his face, eyebrows furrowing close together as he contemplated the taste. He smacked his lips together a couple times before deciding on the negative, setting his drink down firmly on the table beside him. The other boy couldn’t help but giggle at his reaction, not bothering to stop even when Todd sent him a half hearted dirty look.
“Bitter?” He questioned in between laughs.
“Just a bit,” he bickered back sarcastically.
Neil got up suddenly, returning to his desk to search for something unknown to the other. He searched thoroughly, eventually finding what he was looking for at the very back of the drawer. He displayed a packet of honey triumphantly to his roommate as if it were liquid gold .
“Nature’s sweetener,” he expressed, picking up Todd’s mug to pour it in.
“Neil- you don’t have to. You’ll get sick if you touch all of my stuff-“ His fretful nature returned again, almost like it pained the blonde to have anyone do something for him.
“We’re roommates. I’m already going to get sick, so just let me take care of you, ok?” The question came out a bit more frustrated than he had meant it, his voice snapping at the other boy.
Those were the six words that made Todd’s walls finally fall: “let me take care of you”. It was a subtle thing really, but anyone who knew Todd could see the way his guarded expression faltered,the way his body loosened from its normally rigid demeanor. Neil didn’t say anything about it, still not wanting to push farther than he already feared he had. Instead, he tore open the small packet of honey and let it flow into Todd’s drink. He swirled his spoon around the cup just like the other boy had done minutes before, watching as the honey dissolved into the warm liquid. Tapping the spoon thrice on the edge of the mug, he sat the utensil down and handed Todd back his drink. The other didn’t look at him and Neil’s heart fell to the bottom of his chest. He prepared to turn around and head to his own bed, yet the sound of Todd’s voice stopped him, just barely above a whisper.
“I’m…” he paused for a moment to collect his thoughts, “I’m sorry for not accepting your help. I just didn’t want to be a liability to you.”
And so the secret was out. ‘Not being a liability’ was what made Todd tick, what motivated him to get up every day at 6 sharp, to always be one step ahead of the others, to never need anyone’s help. Neil could only wonder what he’d faced at home to start thinking that way, and he froze at just the thought of it.
“You’re not a liability, Todd. Not to me.” He said it with surety, yet he couldn’t have been less sure about what to do next. There was no mistaking the way Todd’s nose went slightly red, the way his eyes became glassy in just seconds. Todd was tearing up. He wanted desperately to run over to him and hug him, yet he stayed right where he was, his feet rooted in shock.
After a second, he spoke up again.
“I’ll let you lie down now, ok? You deserve rest.”
He didn’t want to embarrass Todd, so instead he pretended he hadn’t seen a thing. The brunette turned around, forcing each of his feet to move him one step forward. He only stopped when he finally heard the sheets behind his stop rustling, pivoting to get one last glance at his roommate settled under his sheets. His tea grew cold on his bedside table. Their eyes meet for just a second, something in them drawing Neil back to his roommate’s bedside. He felt like he was on autopilot, his hand seeming to tuck a strand of Todd’s hair behind his ear without his control. Before he knows it, he’s talking once again.
“My mom, when I was sick. She’d always kiss my forehead before she wished me goodnight.” He spoke in fragments, nervously slipping over his words at the offer he was silently proposing.
“I know it’s silly but…”
Todd didn’t say anything back. He didn’t need to, because he nodded his head ever so slightly and Neil leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss on the other boy’s forehead. The way Neil felt as he pulled back wasn’t like anything else he’d ever experienced. It felt right. It felt so natural, so normal to take care of his best friend, to see his eyes flutter shut and his breath hitch as he leaned down to kiss him. He wasn’t allowed to dwell on the thought for long, but those seconds he did felt like pure domestic bliss, like a home he hadn’t felt in a long while.
After a while, Todd opened his eyes again, looking up at his roommate with a question on his mind: “What else did she do?”
His voice seemed stronger than before; He blinked away the tears that had formed in his eyes, yet he still asked the question tentatively, as if scared that one wrong word would shatter whatever bond had been forged just seconds ago.
Neil looked back, remembering the days where his mother would dote on him all day. It wasn’t like that anymore; It seemed growing up changed things, but perhaps they didn’t always have to.
“She’d sit in bed with me and play with my hair until I fell asleep,” he couldn’t help but smile fondly at the memory. To tell the truth, she’d done that almost every night. He always fell asleep quickly because of it, knowing he was protected from whatever monsters lurked in his closet or under his bed. Neil wondered how Todd dealt with his monsters all by himself. His heart wilted slightly at the thought of young Todd crying himself to sleep alone at night, only drifting off into sleep when his eyes became so tired that they could no longer hold themselves open to monitor his closet door. He felt the sudden urge to run his hands through Todd’s hair, to let him drift off to sleep in his arms.
“Could you…?”
He never finished his question, but Neil was already sitting down beside the other boy, their tea long forgotten. He shifted around until Todd’s head found its way onto his thigh, resting contently against it like it was the nicest pillow in the world.
Neil couldn’t find it in himself to meet Todd’s gaze, instead letting his eyes linger on the way his finger coiled around his roommate’s dirty blonde hair. He twirled his fingers around the strands, creating little curls that he’d let loose shortly after, allowing everything to go back to the way it was before then starting again. For some odd reason this amused Neil, distracting him from his thumping heartbeat and how Todd leaned in slightly to every touch. He continued softly raking his hand through the other’s hair, being careful to avoid tangles just like his mother had. Again, that same feeling of contentment rose in his chest. Neil dreamed that maybe Todd could feel it too.
“Tell me something,” he requested, breaking the silence.
“Like a bedtime story?” Neil questioned, feeling silly when he used the childlike term.
“Anything,” he responded after a moment, training his eyes back up on his roommate. Neil looked back down at the wrong moment, their eyes locking together. He was entranced. His hands stopped moving for just a second. His breath caught in his throat as he took in every detail of the other: the flush that never seemed to leave his cheeks, the gentle spray of acne scars splashed across his nose, the subtle space between his two front teeth. All of these ‘imperfections’ were nothing less than perfect in that moment, and Neil almost forgot what had been asked of him.
“Oh- um… well did you know that ants actually can survive a fall from any height? They have such little mass- you see- that they actually can’t pick up enough velocity to kill them,” Neil ran through his words quickly, coming up for breath nervously after his spiel.
“What?” Todd barely got out through a chuckle- one that luckily did not turn into a coughing fit.
“Was that weird?”
“A little bit,” Todd admitted honestly, too tired to make up anything else, “tell me more?”
And oh he did.
Neil’s hands returned to combing through the blonde’s hair, filling the silence with the largest amount of bug facts that Todd had ever heard in one setting. Unsurprisingly with the conversation topic, his hums of agreement quickly turned into snoring once again. There was something fragile about his face as he slept, how his hand unconsciously reached out to hold onto Neil’s leg. For a second it was like Todd had become a child again. He’d never seen the blonde like this; He suspected that no one had for a long while. Neil felt honored. It was beautiful. He was beautiful.
The brunette lifted his head up with the utmost care, delicately setting him down on his pillow. He paused for only a second to watch how Todd automatically snuggled into the pillow and wrapped his arms around it. Without another thought, he leaned down one final time to kiss the back of his head, smiling softly to himself as he came back up.
“Goodnight, Todd,” he whispered, finally heading back to his bed for the second time since he’d been home. His eyes caught on the full teacup that still sat on his bedside table. With a silent thanks to the mug that had started it all, he turned his light off and went to bed. There would be time to take care of Todd again tomorrow. For now, it was time to relax.