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It came completely unexpected, without warning. A hour ago San was just chilling in his bed after his v-live with Mingi, and now he is hovering over the toilet sweating and feeling miserable. After he is finally done vomiting, he vomits again off the mere smell of it. San stays on the floor until the nausea passes. He flushes the toilet and stands up. The world spins, causing San to heavily lean against the wall. San grips the countertop with both hands, washing his face and brushing his teeth. He walks unsteadily to his bed, falling down on his back with a grunt. He hates this. The sweating while doing nothing, his stomach twisting uncomfortably and he feels light headed. He wrecks his brain thinking what could have caused it, but he comes up with nothing. He grabs Shiber with a pout and closes his eyes.
“An? San?!”
San whines, his head protesting from the sound. He rolls away from the source, rubbing his temples. He hears someone hurrying out off his room. After a while, he hears two pair of footsteps coming towards him. San slowly opens his eyes, but doesn’t move otherwise. His bed dips slightly when someone sits down beside him.
“Sannie? Are you in pain?” someone asks gently.
San slightly turns his head. Seonghwa looks at him with worry in his eyes. San gives him a watery smile, rolling slowly on his back. Seonghwa lays a hand on San’s arm.
“I feel sick hyung. I vomited two times,” San mutters.
He now sees Mingi standing at his other bedside. Mingi frowns.
“You didn’t look sick during our vlive.”
There isn’t any accusing or teasing in Mingi’s tone, just curiosity mixed with slight worry. San sighs. Just when he wants to answer, his stomach churns painfully, causing him to clutch his stomach with a moan.
“I swear I didn’t feel sick then. It just came out of nowhere,” San says frustrated.
Seonghwa hums sympathetically, running his free hand through San’s hair. He frowns when he feels the sweat on San’s forehead and hair. He looks at Mingi.
“Could you bring a large bowl, some plastic bags, a filled water bottle with cold water, and stomach medicine please?”
Mingi salutes like a soldier with a grin before collecting the stuff Seonghwa asked for. San grasps Seonghwa’s hand that is still is his hair and places it on his cheek instead. He nuzzles his face against it with a content smile. Seonghwa shakes his head with a chuckle. San scrunches his nose, looking slightly embarrassed.
“The toilet is probably dirty from my puke, I am sorry.”
Seonghwa strokes his cheek.
“Shh, doesn’t matter Sannie. Don’t feel guilty okay?”
San doesn’t answer. He and Seonghwa both know he will feel guilty nonetheless, just for the fact that Seonghwa have to clean up after him. It's very difficult for San to admit to his members he is ill, injured or hurt in any way. Thankfully, this has become better over time but it will always remain a challenge for him. Mingi returns with the supplies Seonghwa asked for, putting it on San's bed. Seonghwa squeezes San’s arm softly.
“Think you can sit up for me Sannie?”
San frowns, afraid that moving will upset his stomach again. He looks anxiously at Seonghwa who again ruffles his hair with a smile.
“That’s okay, you don’t need to.”
Mingi hands the water bottle and medicine to Seonghwa. Seonghwa places one hand under San’s head, a pill already laying ready on his other hand. He tilts San’s head up a bit. San takes the pill from Seonghwa’s hand, putting it in his mouth. Seonghwa hands him the water bottle and watches San swallow the pill with some water. Mingi clears his throat.
“It is nothing personal Sannie, but Jongho and I were in the middle of a videogame...”
He doesn’t finish his sentence. San looks at him with a tired smile and waves his hand. Mingi pats San’s knee before leaving the room. Seonghwa lowers San’s head on the pillow again, putting the water on San's nightstand. He puts the bowl and plastic bags on San's legs. He gently takes a hold off San’s chin with his thumb and index finger, forcing San to look at him.
“Here is what we are going to do Sannie. If you don’t have enough time to make it to the toilet, you will empty your stomach in one off the plastic bags and call me so I can clean it up. I will ask Hongjoong to call the doctor as soon as possible. You will need to drink a lot to prevent dyhadration. Don’t hesitate to call one of us if you need anything yeah?” Seonghwa says while looking sternly at San.
San never was one to ask for help, feeling quickly like a burden. It takes a lot of encouragement and gentle coaxing from someone before San feels comfortable enough to ask for help. San slowly breathes out while looking uncertainly at Seonghwa. Eventually he nods curtly. He pulls up his knees when he feels another cramp. Seonghwa kisses San’s forehead, letting his lips linger there longer then necessary before leaving the room. San pulls Shiber to his chest, feeling somewhat comforted from the plushie.
Two hours later Wooyoung and Hongjoong return to the dorm with bags full of takeout food. Wooyoung slings a arm over Hongjoong's shoulder.
"Thanks for paying hyung."
Hongjoong merely waves with his hand. Wooyoung bites Hongjoong shoulder, earning him a slap on his arm.
"I suggest you stop that if you want me to pay again next time."
Wooyoung grins while sticking out his tongue. Hongjoong gniffles, following Wooyoung in the kitchen where Yunho is making tea. He turns his head and claspes his hands when he sees the food.
"That smells amazing!"
Hongjoong sets the bags of food on the counter. Before Hongjoong went to buy food with Wooyoung, he phoned their doctor. He came 30 minutes after Hongjoong's phone-call to examine San. He quickly concluded that San have food poisoning, probably contracted in LA. It shouldn't take longer then three days. San clearly feels miserable though. He ran to the toilet eight times in the past two hours. On top of that he has a headache.
"How is Sannie doing?" Hongjoong asks.
Yunho scratches his neck with a troubled look.
"The same. The doctor described something for San's throat to prevent a throat infection. The next few days are not going to be pleasant for him. I made this tea for him, hopefully it will help him relax," he answers Hongjoong's question.
Wooyoung winces, feeling sorry for San. He looks at Hongjoong. When one of them feels under the weather, the other members often look at Hongjoong and Seonghwa for guidance. Seonghwa would step in his 'mother' role, tending to the sick one while staying close by. Hongjoong becomes more authoritative towards the sick person, but not in a negative way. He keeps an eye on what the person can handle and ensures that these boundaries are not exceeded, through keeping a watchful eye, and making decisions that that person is not able to make at that moment. Hongjoong picks up the tea from the countertop, nodding in the direction of San's and Yunho's room.
"Shall we?"
San coughs a few times, swallowing with a grimace from the dirty taste in his mouth. He hates throwing up. It feels dirty. Normally he loves cuddles when he is feeling sick, but now he doesn't dare to ask. What if he accidentally pukes on one of his members? That would be very embarrassing, not to mention a shitty job to clean up, which will make him feel more like a burden then he already does. He looks at Shiber laying on his chest. Shiber helps, being soft and big enough to wrap in his arms. It is not the same as a human touch though. He looks up when his doors open. He smiles seeing Wooyoung and Yunho- and Hongjoong with a cup of tea. Hongjoong walks to San's bedside, putting the cup on his nightstand. He strokes San's moist forehead.
"How're you doing Sannie?"
San shrugs.
"I'm okay, thanks for the tea."
Yunho chuckles at hearing San's overly socially correct answer. Wooyoung sits down on San’s bedside and pinches his cheek. San makes a sound between a whimper and a yelp. The three members laugh fondly. Wooyoung takes his phone out off his pocket. He opens a game and holds the phone in a way so that both he and San can watch the screen.
“How about a game? For the distraction?”
San's eyes lit up with enthusiasm. Being stuck in bed is boring as hell. Hongjoong pets San’s head and leaves the room together with Yunho.
A few hours later when everyone is chilling after diner, Yunho walks into the bedroom he is sharing with San expecting San in bed. He frowns when he finds San's bed empty though. He walks over to their shared bathroom. When he stands at the door, he hears whimpers coming from inside the bathroom. Yunho spots Hongjoong walking through the doorway off the bedroom.
"Hyung! Give me a hand?" Yunho asks loudly.
Hongjoong jogs to Yunho with a worried look, waiting for an explanation. Yunho however opens the door, revealing a whimpering San on the floor, leaning against the wall. Yunho and Hongjoong share a concerned look. Yunho kneels by San's side, stroking his hair. Hongjoong opens a cabinet to get some face wipes and sits in front of San.
"What happened baby?" Yunho asks softly while Hongjoong is busy cleaning San's face.
"H-Head hurts, and dizzy..." San stutters.
Hongjoong throws the used wipes in the trash can. He frowns, thinking how he can say what he wants to say to San without coming over too stern. He looks at Yunho.
"Prepare a bath please."
Yunho stands up and walks to the bath, leaving Hongjoong alone with San. Hongjoong pats San's knee.
"Look at me Sannie," he says gently but with a certain authority in his voice.
After a slight moment of reluctance San looks up with flushed cheeks. Hongjoong keeps his voice steady, yet with a hint of urgency in it.
"Now, I know you don't want to be a bother and manage everything yourself. Sorry to disappoint, but when you're sick that simply is not possible. I know Seonghwa said you can ask any of us if you need something, and I am sure you don't want to let him down hmm?" during the last sentence Hongjoong almost sounds like he talks with a child.
Whenever something is the matter with San, no matter if it is mentally or physically, San often needs clear guidance and lots of praise. By giving him instruction and boundaries San has less room to ponder. To get stuck in his own head so to say with his anxiety-fuelling thoughs about how much of he a burden he is to the other members. When the other members decide what San has to do and how, it leaves him with more energy to recover. San shakes his head.
"No, I don't. I am really sorry hyung," he says quickly, not wanting to disappoint anyone.
Hongjoong hushes him, holding San's hand.
"Easy there, I am not mad at you. Listen carefully and I expect you to do as I say. You will take a bath, don't lock the door in case you need us. When you are done, you will let us know by knocking on the bathroom door."
San breathes out, nodding at Hongjoong. Even though San is pale and looks like shit, Hongjoong sees San relaxing, relief washing over him. In the meantime Yunho picked up clean pajamas for San and hung it over the edge of the bath. Hongjoong motions with his hand for Yunho to come over. Together they help San up onto the toilet seat.
"Do you feel okay enough to undress and bath yourself?", Hongjoongs asks.
San nods, already clumsily pulling his shirt over his head. His head gets stuck however, making San whine and squirm around. Yunho giggles.
"Alright, let me help Sannie."
Yunho pulls San's shirt over his head. San pouts. He looks surprised at Hongjoong.
"No offense hyung, but why are you guys still here?"
Hongjoong scratches his neck with a hesitant look.
"Well, I just wondered, if it is wise to leave when you just said you are dizzy."
San blinks a few times. Then he shrugs.
"If you want to stay that is fine by me, I don't mind."
Yunho and Hongjoong look at each other. Yunho smiles and nods to the door.
"You stay and I will get my bed ready."
Hongjoong nods. Yunho taps San's knee and leaves the bathroom.
While San is taking a bath under Hongjoong's watchful eye, Seonghwa is in the kitchen. He prepares a hot broth and a jug filled with warm water. Yunho moves San's favorite plushies to his own bed.
After almost thirty minutes, San looks at Hongjoong over his shoulder.
"I am done, pass me the towel?"
Hongjoong, who was watching video's on the toilet seat, stands up and opens the closet to get a fresh towel. He stands beside the bathtub and grabs San's upper arm.
"First sit on the edge, carefully."
San smiles from Hongjoong's concern. It always makes him feel loved and giddy. Hongjoong normally acts like a strict father, but when one of the members is hurt he turns into a big worrywart. San raises himself out of the tube and sits on the bathtub edge, his back against the wall. Hongjoong is quick to wrap the towel around San's shoulders. While San dries himself, Hongjoong pulls out the plug. Then Hongjoong hands San his fresh PJ's, except for the socks.
"Come on, on the toilet seat."
Hongjoong wraps one arm around San's waist and helps San down on the toilet seat. San leans his head against the wall while Hongjoong puts on his socks. San's eyes are getting glossy, flickering quickly from fatigue. Hongjoong smiles fondly at the cute sight. He wraps an arm around San's shoulders and guides him to his sleeping room where Yunho is sitting on his own bed. Yunho kept enough room clear for both of them including some plushies. Hongjoong gently lowers San on the bed until he is lying on his back. San contently closes his eyes.
"Seonghwa?!" Hongjoong yells in the general direction of the kitchen.
Minutes later Seonghwa walks into the room with the hot broth and jug in his hands. Hongjoong moves out off the way, making room for Seonghwa at San's bedside.
"Raise your head a bit sweetie," Seonghwa says with a motherly voice, putting a hand behind San's neck to help him sit up.
San complies, opening his mouth a bit. Seonghwa puts the cup to his lips, supporting San's neck while he drinks. Without make-up, wet hair and clinging loosely to Seonghwa's arm with his hand San looks really small. After drinking the hot broth, Seonghwa lifts San's shirt up so his stomach is bare. He places the jug, which is now enveloped in a towel so it won't harm San's skin, softly on San's stomach. San lets out a satisfied sound. Hongjoong again switches places with Seonghwa and hovers over San.
"Just one more thing baby. If you need any help during the night, what do I want you to do?"
San opens his eyes, looking at Hongjoong with a grateful smile.
"Ask Yunho, or anyone else, for help," he says with the proud look off a child who got an answer right during class.
Seonghwa, Hongjoong an Yunho softly squeal from San's cuteness. Hongjoong ruffles his hair.
"Correct. Now sleep, see you again tomorrow."
Yunho and Seonghwa look at their leader with admiration. Yes, Hongjoong doesn't make it a secret he doesn't like skinship. But it's clear how responsible he feels for his members. Calling them kids, often paying for their take out food and showering them with compliments or head pats whenever someone feels insecure. Seonghwa strokes San's cheek, waves goodbye at Yunho and leaves the room with Hongjoong. Yunho cuddles up to San and they close their eyes.
Hongjoong collapses on the living room couch with a loud grunt. He looks at the ceiling.
"Jeesh, San sure is a handful when he is sick."
His voice is nothing but loving though, his mouth formed in a fond smile. Seonghwa sits beside him while chucking from the remark.
"Agreed. But we don't love him any less."
Hongjoong hums affirmative. He loves all his members dearly, even if he is not so vocal about it like Wooyoung or Seonghwa. He turns his head and looks at Seonghwa. A comfortable silence hangs in the air. Hongjoong opens his mouth a few times, closing it again as soon as he opens it. He feels like he wants to say so much, but doesn’t know how.
"I...," he manages after a while.
Seonghwa raises his hand, silencing Hongjoong. He smiles.
"I know, me too," he merely says.
Hongjoong breathes out, feeling like there is no need to say anything more. He only has this bond he has with Seonghwa with a few people in his life. Where there are no words needed. Where they can have a whole conversation with just their eyes. Wooyoung shuffles in the living room with furrowed eyebrows. Seonghwa looks at him concernedly.
“Are you guys busy?” Wooyoung asks.
“Like right now or in general? Because if you mean the latter...” Hongjoong grunts when Seonghwa hits him in his side.
"That hurts!" Hongjoong complains loudly.
Seonghwa merely stares at him with a challenging look, raising his eyebrows. Seonghwa, being the caring person he is, doesn't think it is the time for jokes when there is something bothering Wooyoung. Hongjoong raises his hands up in defense, looking at Wooyoung with a grin.
"What's up Wooyoung?"
Wooyoung jumps, without answering Hongjoong, on the couch beside Seonghwa. He throws his arms and legs around Seonghwa. Seonghwa groans, readjusting Wooyoung so they are both more comfortable. In the end, Wooyoung's legs are laying over Seonghwa's legs and his upper body resting against Seonghwa's chest. Wooyoung nuzzles his face against Seonghwa's shoulder and looks up at Hongjoong.
"Is San okay?"
Hongjoong smiles.
"Yeah, he'll be. You're not tired yet?"
Wooyoung shakes his head. Hongjoong stands up.
"I am going to check at the others. After that I could really use some coffee."
Wooyoung jumps up from the couch.
"I will make a pot caffeine-free coffee for you two!" he says rather loud before going to the kitchen. Seonghwa gniffles. You might not see it, but despite Wooyoung's loudness he can actually be quite caring when the situation calls for it. Hongjoong walks past the bedrooms, finding everyone fast asleep. He picks up the blanket Jongho kicked away in his sleep and covers him with it. After that, he sits with Seonghwa and Wooyoung in the living room for a while before they all three go to bed. Wooyoung sleepily departs for his own bedroom while Hongjoong and Seonghwa collapse on their own beds. Just when they think they can finally close their eyes, both Seonghwa and Hongjoong's phones start vibrating. Seonghwa picks up his phone with a groan, reading a message from San.
"What does it say?" Hongjoong mumbles with his eyes closed.
Seonghwa says nothing. He pats Hongjoong's arm before going to the bathroom. Hongjoong just shrugs, too tired to follow Seonghwa.
San sits down on the toilet seat after rinsing his mouth. He lost count how many times he brushed his teeth today. He closes his eyes, wet with frustrated tears. This vomiting really starts to irritate his throat. He actually slept really well for a few hours before waking up with a painful stomach and nausea. He feels so tired, childish, frustrated and other things he can't put into words. At times like this he is so grateful that Ateez have Hongjoong and Seonghwa as their leader and oldest. There are not called "parents" for no reason. Seonghwa opens the door and kneels in front of San.
"Hey there" Seonghwa says softly.
San licks his dry lips before speaking.
"Sorry to wake you...but I also didn't want to disappoint you guys for not saying anything and I don't dare to crawl back in bed with Yunho since I don't want to wake him up and...", San rambles on but has to stop when he is beginning to feel out of breath. Seonghwa hushes him, hands gently holding San's face.
"Calm down, take a breath. I am glad you asked for help. Well done."
San gives him a watery smile in response to the praise. Seonghwa raises a eyebrow.
"Where are you going to sleep though if you don't want to join Yunho?"
Seonghwa already knows the answer, but he wants to hear it from San himself. San bites his lip and looks at his hands. Seonghwa waits patiently.
"Uhm... Maybe...if it's not too much trouble I can sleep with... you two?" San whispers the last part but Seonghwa hears him loud and clear.
He has to bite his tongue to maintain a straight face at San's shyness. It's really adorable, and completely the opposite of the San he sees on stage. Seonghwa hums, running a hand through San's hair.
"Of course you can, sweetie. Good job for saying what you need. Want me to carry you?"
San smiles again from the praise, his mood beginning to improve a bit. He looks at Seonghwa and sticks his arms out to him. Seonghwa chuckles. He raises himself slightly, wrapping his arms around San's waist and scoops him up. San circles his arms around Seonghwa's neck. Seonghwa hoists San against his hip which makes walking easier. Then he carries San to his and Hongjoong's shared bedroom, where Hongjoong lies on the bed, passed out like a log. Seonghwa pushes against Hongjoong's knee with his own leg in an attempt to wake him. It takes a while, but eventually Hongjoong's eyes flutter open.
"What?" he says groggily.
Hongjoong looks at Seonghwa with San in his arms and his heart melts right then and there. Seonghwa has carried San like this only once and it was not pretty. But this time, San looks like a shy child clinging to it's mother. San looks at the ground, clearly embarrassed. Hongjoong rolls to his side and pats beside him, holding the covers up. Seonghwa lowers San on the bed and slips in behind him. Hongjoong smiles at San embarrassed face, rubbing San's shoulder while Seonghwa hugs San from behind.
"Relax Sannie," Hongjoong whispers.
Hongjoong forces his eyes to stay open until he is sure San drifted off.
"Good night Seonghwa," Hongjoong whispers and closes his eyes, too tired to hear Seonghwa's answer.