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“Atsumu ya need to take a break.” Osamu’s concerned voice came from the door from the doorway of his backstage room. Atsumu didn’t even bother to look up from his notebook, sucking in a breath, feeling his tensed shoulders shoot pain through his shoulder blades, before letting out a sigh. Atsumu tapped the end of the pen on the table. Osamu just stood there, knowing he’d get a response eventually.
“Ya know I can’t, Samu.” He set the pen down with a click, pressing his fingertips into his forehead to attempt to soothe the impending migraine. “If I stop, I think and if I think, I lock myself in my house for a month again and the fans don’t wait.” Atsumu let his eyes slip shut before leaning backward on his chair, letting the hard plastic press deliciously into his sore back.
“The fans might not wait, but yer body won't keep up for much longer. It’s been a year, Tsumu. Back-to-back concerts, fan signings in between, meet and greets after every show. I know ya miss him. And it’s neither of y’alls faults that it happened. Yer shitty PR team was just that, shitty. I don’t understand why ya haven’t reached out, ya fired them 3 months ago.” Atsumu felt himself freeze, there were some things he didn’t tell his brother contrary to popular belief.
“It’s not that easy, Samu.” He wasn’t going to tell his brother that he had spammed called the number the second he got rid of the PR team. He wasn’t going to say he had asked around to see if he had maybe changed his number only to get a plethora of ‘no’s and comments about how he was probably blocked. Osamu walked over, letting his hand fall to rest on Atsumu’s head, ruffling his hair lightly.
“Well then make it easy scrub. I saw how gross y’all were when you were together. I’ll eat my left foot, ya know, the one with the weird scar on it, if that man doesn’t keep up with you through social media.” Atsumu felt a pang in his chest. “Don’t ya have that new song that ya made for ‘im?” Atsumu hummed, knowing well the melody was playing in his head on loop, taunting him at lyrics he had yet to put together. After a beat of silence, Osamu spoke again. “Jus’ promise me to get some rest tonight, yeah?”
-
Atsumu practically dragged himself into his apartment. A trilling mewl greeted him at the door, causing a warm smile to spread across his tired face. He set his bag down by the door, falling to his knees heavily, opening his arms for a Maine Coon that came around the corner from the hallway. The black cat purred heavily, rubbing himself against Atsumu’s chest before placing his paws there and rubbing his small head under his owner’s chin. Atsumu hummed a little song at him, as he wrapped his arms around the cat and got back on his feet. Leave it to Earl Gray to brighten his night.
He looked around his otherwise empty apartment, lifting one of his hands, to rub at his eye sleepily. He slowly trudged to the bathroom, flipping the light switch and making sure to close the toilet lid before setting Earl Gray down on it gently. He turned towards the mirror, seeing the concealer smeared under the eye that he rubbed. Grabbing his pack of makeup wipes that were on the lip of the sink, he made quick work of removing all the concealer that he slapped on his face anytime he had to go outside.
Inch by inch, he revealed the dark circles under his eyes from lack of rest. He finally let his shoulders relax, groaning as he tilted his head back to stretch his neck. He splashed his face with some cool water before walking back toward the living room, Earl Gray trailing behind him. He lay down on the couch, fishing his phone out of his pocket before ordering some Onigiri from his brother’s shop. He turned on the television, putting some random cooking show for background noise, and set both the remote and the phone on the coffee table, laying his arm over his eyes to prevent the bright red of the setting sun from piercing his eyeballs. The last thing he remembers was a ping on his phone, and his body feeling too heavy to move when he tried to reach for it.
He dreamt of floating through space, seeing all the planets as words strung into sentences. He had no control over his body, he was just being fed all the imagery and the words that he had locked away in his mind, so even though he felt himself crying, he let himself be led. Deeper and deeper into space, he let himself surrender to the soft melody that still hadn’t stopped.
-
He felt warm all over, but it wasn’t that comfortable warmth when you’re wrapped in a blanket on a winter night, it was a sweaty kind of warm. He tried to swallow, feeling the pain of a dry throat. He forced his eyes to open, realizing just how heavy his eyelids felt as he looked around completely disoriented to see he was in his bedroom, the blinds shut so it was completely dark. He didn’t have time to wonder who it was that put him there because all he could think about was needing to wake up to feed Earl Gray. He attempted to lift his arms, groaning loudly when his body refused to move. A few seconds later, his bedroom door opened, letting in just enough light for Atsumu to see who was walking in.
“Feelin’ any better, scrub?” Osamu’s voice came, softer than what Atsumu was used to, though any louder, and Atsumu was sure his head would’ve split in two. Atsumu only managed to grunt in response, Osamu walking over silently, a glass of water in his hand, Earl Gray trailing behind him. Osamu helped him sit up slightly, holding the glass to his lips, letting him take small sips. He stuck the thermometer inside Atsumu’s mouth, the loud beep making Atsumu wince. “Yep, still runnin’ that fever. Ya need more rest.” He set the thermometer down, sighing and mumbling to himself as he helped Atsumu lay back down. Once Atsumu was settled back into bed, a mewl made Osamu turn to the floor.
“Wanna be up on the bed with yer dad and ya don’t wanna move the bed?” Another mewl as gold expectant eyes stared up at him. “What a smart kitty.” A quick pat on his head and Earl Gray was being placed on the bed where he walked gingerly to avoid movement of Atsumu before curling up on the pillow next to Atsumu’s head. “I’m makin’ some dinner, get some more sleep, I’ll wake ya up when it’s time to eat.” With that, Atsumu’s eyes fluttered shut again.
-
Atsumu’s eyes snapped open with a sharp inhale, causing him to start a coughing fit, Earl Gray jumping as he was startled awake as well. A few pets and an apology later, Earl Gray was looking up at Atsumu who was now sitting up with a seemingly concerned cat on his lap. He looked over to his bedside table, seeing a note, some pills, and a glass of water. He rolled his eyes at the medicine and went for the note.
‘DON’T ROLL YOUR EYES AT THE MEDICINE, TAKE IT SCRUB, RIGHT NOW.’ That was the first damn sentence on the paper, Atsumu rolled his eyes again but took it, surprised at finishing the whole glass of water with them, he was probably thirsty. He lifted the note again. ‘Imma bop you one for THAT eye roll too. Anyway, you’re sick, I’m thinking it’s a cold. I told your new PR people, they canceled your shows for the next two weeks, rest up, there's food to heat up in the fridge. Earl already ate, don’t let him convince you otherwise. PR said once you feel better you should call them. -Samu.’
Atsumu sighed and slowly stood on his shaky legs to make his way to the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator to find several containers, grabbing the one labeled Miso Soup, he popped it in the microwave to reheat it, gulping down another glass of water as he waited. Once the microwave beeped, he pulled out the steaming soup and set it on the counter, walking to the living room where he spotted his phone, lifting it to call his people. He ignored the indignant yowling of Earl Gray as he walked past his food bowl without filling it. The phone rang twice before it was answered.
“Atsumu-san! Good to hear from you, I take it you’re feeling better?” The voice of Kuroo Tetsuro run out from the phone that Atsumu had preemptively held away from his sensitive ear.
“A lot, thanks, ya didn’t have to cancel my shows ya know? I can still do ‘em.” Atsumu’s voice was rough with sickness, making him start another coughing fit as he walked back to the kitchen for some more water. He heard Kuroo’s low chuckle on the other end.
“You deserve the rest, Champ. You haven’t stopped for 3 months, and that’s just with us, who knows how long you’ve been overworking yourself. Our main priority is your health here. We need our star in tip-top shape. Just wish you would’ve told us you were under the weather sooner. But listen! At least now you get to rest. Though I would like to discuss with you the possibility of doing a quick Q&A live stream in a few days or whenever you feel up to it just to keep the fans engaged. We can tell them you’re sick, but you know how some people are, they want to hear directly from you. If that’s not something you want though, then don’t worry about it, we’ll do some damage control and help you out.” Atsumu mulled it over in his head.
“The sooner I do this the faster the fans will relax and I’ll feel like I’m actually able to relax. I’m doing the stream tonight Kuroo-san, I’ll just take my medicine and take a shower to make sure I don’t look like I’m dyin’.” Atsumu suppressed a chuckle. He heard some hushed talking, knowing that Kuroo preferred to update his team live on situations that would happen and he heard favorable murmurs responding.
“That sounds great. 2 hours sounds good to you? You’d be starting at 6 and ending at 8.” Atsumu agreed, already frazzled at the fact that he had an hour to get ready. “Awesome. Go get ‘em, Tiger.” The call went dead and Atsumu decided to look through his messages, shocked to see the date, realizing he missed 3 whole days of his life to the fever. He quickly shook it off though when he realized just how low of a battery his phone had, he popped it on the charger and sped walk as quickly as possible to the counter where he all but chugged the now warm miso soup.
In the bathroom, he made quick work of hopping into a warm shower, letting the spray hit his head, feeling his sinuses clear up, the medicine also now in full effect. He quickly got dressed in a simple t-shirt and some dark jeans, making sure to put on socks as well, the last thing he needed was a feet pic scandal online. He applied concealer to the bags under his eyes, noticing the reduction in swelling. All he needed was to set up his phone and he had 15 minutes to spare, so he was going to start the live early to let people join.
He walked to where he had the phone plugged in and noticed the charging block had been yanked out of the wall. He crossed his arms and turned around to see a VERY innocent (sarcastic) Earl Gray. Atsumu resisted the urge to rub his face in fear of messing up the makeup so instead, he just sighed and plugged it back in, walking over to his bag to pull out his laptop, setting it on the coffee table. He opened it, got on Instagram, and hit the ‘Go Live’ button. He smiled brightly as people started flooding in. Some names he recognized as usual viewers and some who he knew were his friends. He settled himself on the ground, his back resting on the couch behind him, Earl Gray jumping up on the couch behind him and curling up, staring at his reflection on the screen.
Atsumu waited for the appropriate time, then began with the greetings, answering questions about how he was feeling and thanking people for the get well wishes. He looked at the time, seeing it was 15 minutes past the start time of the stream, and decided to start the Q&A section of the stream. They were mostly mundane questions about his personal life, some of them asking about his relationship status which he blatantly ignored. He laughed at some, particularly the one asking him if he’d sell his twin to them, to which he responded with an enthusiastic ‘Get me a bag of shrimp chips and he’s yours!’ It wasn’t until someone asked a question about the Maine Coon that he had a slip-up, and honestly, he blamed it on the fever.
“Oh, my cat back here? If yer a long time fan, ya know who that is. But if yer new here let me educate you. This little munchkin right here is Earl Gray.” Earl lifted his head, ears twitching. Questions about Earl flooded the chat, which made sense considering he had only posted pictures of Earl and no actual information. “He’s a Maine Coon, he’s about 3 years old. Have had him for about 2 years of that. He was a small little stray when Om- my ex-partner and I found him.” Atsumu mentally slapped himself when the chat was once again flooded, except it wasn’t about the cat anymore.
“Yes, I was in a relationship before. We broke it off a year ago. I don’t think he’s comfortable with me spreading his information.” Another mental slap for him. “Yes, I did say ‘he’. I am indeed bisexual. Look guys, let’s not talk about this anymore yeah? I feel like that’s enough of my secrets out in the open.” Many fans agreed, trying to placate the others who were just trying to push. He silently thanked those who seemed adamant about helping him keep his private life private. As he read the chat for ANY question that didn’t have to do with his past relationship, one of them made him stop.
“Do ya still love him? I mean obviously, he’s the love of my life.” He thought except it wasn’t a thought. He had just said that out loud in front of more than 100K people. The only reason he noticed was chat exploding once more. He saw the flood asking for details, and he sighed. “Listen, I’ll tell y’all what happened, but I will not give any details alright? Basically, my old management wasn’t on board with a guy/guy relationship, they made me break it off, it was a huge fight, we said things we shouldn't have. I hurt him, he hurt me. I should’ve done more, but for a while, I thought I hated him. But time passed and I realized what he really wanted was for me to fight for myself, for my own desires, so I did. But one of my desires was him and let me tell ya, there was no way in hell I was getting that desire with the management I had at the time. So I got rid of them when I realized how miserable I was without him. By the time I did this, it was too late, he has me blocked and I’m sure he’s happier without me.”
“No it’s okay guys, don’t feel bad.” Atsumu smiled into the camera. “People naturally move on. It’ll be okay. If anything y’all should thank him, he inspired the feature track of the next album. I just finished it up though, haven’t even written it down, it’s all up here in my noggin.” He tapped his finger lightly on his head. After message after message of insisting that he sing even just a piece, he gave in, standing up to get his guitar from his room.
“Fine fine, but y’all are gonna have to excuse my voice. I’m sick like y’all know. Just know this song is from way back when we first broke up. I feel nothing but love for ‘im now. I hope y’all still like it though.” He plucked at the guitar strings a little to make sure it was still in tune, drank some water, and did some quick vocal exercises. He let out a breath and asked if they were ready. Seeing mostly positive replies and the occasional ‘no but do it anyway’ started plucking the strings in the gentle melody from his fever dream. He then sang in a lower tone than usual to not mess with his throat too much.
You come back,
In every dream I have,
I fall again in your web
I know it'll take time
To heal from you once and for all
I had
So many happy moments
That I forget how sad it was
Giving you from my soul what you made die
I didn't want to love you
You taught me how to hate you
All the kisses I imagined
Go back to the place I saw them grow
He took a deep breath, closing his eyes to let himself feel. He felt the pang in his heart, but it felt so good finally being able to get the feelings out. He felt his blood rising to his face and the stinging of tears behind his eyelids, so he decided to keep them closed.
In Saturn, live all the children we never had
In Pluto, you can still hear our screams of love
And in the moon, our voices scream into the silence
Asking for forgiveness
Something that we could’ve never done worse
He panted a little, taking a small sip of water, and clearing his throat from any blockage that the sickness might be causing him. He strummed the melody some more as he read some of the comments, a lot of them making him genuinely smile.
You have the same guilt that I do
Even though it costs you to admit
That you feel like I do
The pillow doesn't usually lie
I didn't want to love you
You taught me how to hate you
All the kisses I imagined
Go back to the place I saw them grow
In Saturn, live all the children we never had
In Pluto, you can still hear our screams of love
And in the moon, our voices scream into the silence
Asking for forgiveness
Something that we could’ve never done worse
Our voices scream into the silence
Asking for forgiveness
Something that we could’ve never done
He felt his voice crack with emotions he had locked away in his chest for the year. He took a deep breath and tried that last line one more time.
Something that we could’ve never done worse
A sharp, frantic knock was heard, loudly across the now silent apartment. Atsumu’s eyebrows shot up as he set the guitar to the side and walked towards the front door that was in frame of the camera. The chat went silent in anticipation before bursting into life when they saw a tall man with curly black hair step inside and pull Atsumu into a picture-perfect kiss. All while Earl Grey screamed loudly at seeing his other dad again.