Work Text:
Nobody wants to be the only one that's left standing
Nobody wants to be the only one to understand
~*~*~
“And I got what I have wanted from the moment I set eyes on it.”
Lizzie heard the words. She heard them and yet she didn’t want to believe them. Because he’d said, hadn’t he? He’d said the words. ‘I love you’, he’d told her. Yet this was Tommy. And what Lizzie wanted rarely meant anything where he was concerned. So, she did believe it. And when she looked to her husband and his eyes would not meet hers, she knew. Everyone at that fucking table knew.
“Elizabeth, you are a very lucky woman…” She forced her eyes from Tommy. She forced herself to look at Diana. “…to have each day what I have only sampled the once.” Her voice, it grated. Her words, they cut- deeper than Lizzie’d expected. She hadn’t expected fidelity- theirs was not that type of marriage. But she had thought… Well, it didn’t matter what she thought, did it? Because here they were, sat at her dining room table while Tommy’s latest fuck smiled at her.
And it shouldn’t have hurt so much, but it did. It hurt. So much that her lungs felt tight and her eyes stung. And she’d be damned if she cried in front of these people. She’d be damned if she cried in front of Tommy. So she stood, too quickly, without another glance at the people sitting at the table. She walked out- gracelessly, she knew. She left them all sitting there. Wishing the humiliation and the pain could have been her secret. Wishing to have been the only one to understand what had just been revealed.
And she knew not to expect him to come after her.
But somehow being the only one standing- the only one to care- hurt a thousand times worse.
And now I'm seeing the way that you're leaving
Without me
~*~*~
They hadn’t spoken since that night.
He’d heard her talking to Charlie and the servants. He’d seen her moving from one room to the next, head high and eyes fixed on anything but him. He’d watched the way she seemed to have grown cold and hard in the span of one night. In the space of one dinner. There was no softness to her anymore- least not for him.
It was a strange thing, losing what he’d never wanted. It was a strange thing missing the one he’d told himself he’d be fine without. But that was a different time, wasn’t it? Things had changed. He’d seen the truth, seen what he’d not let himself before. And yet there was still that bit of himself he didn’t look at- that thing he couldn’t hide from.
He’d changed the combination to the safe, but she was still his greatest regret.
Footsteps coming down the stairs pulled his attention. Tommy listened to his wife’s voice, listened to the familiar cadence of her words- too low for him to make out. But he didn’t need to hear the words. Her tone had him sitting taller. Had him getting to his feet and moving towards the door. The sound of footsteps on the stairs came again. The nanny brought a suitcase- Charlie’s. Tommy looked to his wife, his eyes settled on the luggage at her feet.
“Lizzie.”
The nanny stopped at the foot of the stairs. The chauffer shifted nervously on his feet. But Lizzie… She didn’t even so much as twitch. “Go on, then, Will. Take the luggage to the car. I’ll be ready to leave in a moment.” The man hesitated, eyes going to Tommy before moving to follow his mistress’s command. Nanny Sarah followed a moment later with Charlie’s suitcase, not lifting her eyes from the floor.
“Lizzie, what are you doing?”
She turned, then. She turned and Tommy flinched. Her eyes were empty- like his when he looked in the mirror. There was no light in them anymore. Not for him. It left him cold- a cold he hadn’t felt for a long time. A cold that spoke of sleepless nights and too much quiet. It spoke of loneliness.
“What I do is no longer your concern, Tommy.” Her voice was like ice- cold and hard and burning a little. “But I am not an unreasonable woman. Upstairs, in the bedroom, there is a letter. More than you deserve from me, I think.”
Tommy tried to find the words to keep her there. He tried to think of one reason for her to stay. But then he stopped. Because there was none. There had been affection, and then there had been Ruby, and now both were gone. Now there was just the hurt he’d caused her. Now there was nothing left between them but lies and pain and an illness she didn’t even know about. An illness that would take him from her anyway. Perhaps this was better.
At least she wouldn’t have to watch him die, too.
He thought of Charlie. He thought of his boy grieving for his sister. He thought of his boy watching as his father went mad and wasted away. He couldn’t do that to his boy. Lizzie was better with him anyway. Lizzie would take him somewhere nice and let him have something good. She’d let him grow up without shadows hanging overhead. His Ruby hadn’t gotten that.
“I’ll send something, for Charlie. And for you.” Her eyes narrowed, her hands clenching at her sides. And he knew what she was thinking. His mind went back to that night, his voice cruel and his words sharp. ‘In my head I still pay you for it.’ Yes, she was his greatest regret, indeed. He lowered his eyes and took in a breath.
“I didn’t realize,” she began, voice low and thoughtful. “I didn’t know.” Tommy forced himself to look at her. She was standing tall. Her head was held high. Her eyes burned with pride and strength and for the first time in years they weren’t dulled by her love for him. “I should have charged more. I should have demanded a higher price. I was worth it.”
A flash of movement caught their attention and they both turned towards the stairs. Charlie stood at the top, looking between them searchingly. Tommy saw Lizzie hold her hand out to Charlie and the boy started down the steps. Tommy watched his son move to Lizzie’s side, small hand slipping into hers. Not a moment later Will stepped back into the house. “Everything’s ready, Mrs. Shelby,” he said, eyes darting between the three Shelbys.
“Thank you, Will,” she replied.
The man scurried back outside. Charlie looked up at Lizzie and she ran a hand over his hair. Then she nudged him towards Tommy. His son looked confused, but came to his side easily. Tommy put his hand on the boy’s shoulder, taking him in- memorizing him for when his mind turned against him. “Charlie, you and your mum are going to be staying in a different place for a bit.” Charlie glanced back at Lizzie for a moment before focusing on Tommy once more. “You be good for her, eh. Stay out of trouble.”
“Will you come later?” Charlie asked. “Like on holidays?”
Tommy thought back to the last holiday they’d been meant to have. America. The mountains. Ruby alive and smiling. It was a knife to him, thinking of his girl’s smile. He blinked and the image was gone. “No, Charlie,” he sighed. “Least not for a while.” His son’s face fell in disappointment, but only for a moment. Resigned acceptance quickly settled in it’s place. “Take care of your mum.” He could have said more. He should have done. But the words wouldn’t come to him. And then Charlie was walking back to Lizzie.
Lizzie met Tommy’s eyes- a silent end to a quiet destruction.
Then he watched as his wife and his son walked out the door. He watched them get into the car, Will closing the door behind them. Charlie looked back, waved at him through the window. Will’s steps halted on his way to the driver’s side when he saw Tommy standing in the doorway. But only for a moment, then the man was settling behind the wheel, ready to take Tommy’s family from him.
The car started.
Tommy watched- alone- as they drove away.
Lizzie didn’t look back.
Now go on and drift away
The tide can hold you out
~*~*~
It was fine.
For a while it was fine- the illness. The headaches came more frequently, but he could manage. He grew tired, but he’d been tired for years. And with the house empty- with Frances and Nanny Sarah and the other servants all gone- no one saw the seizures when they came.
They came more often now. And the headaches were worse, now. And he’d see things, beautiful things- things that made him smile and cry at the same time. He saw Polly and his mother. He saw Greta and John and Grace. He saw his Ruby, his precious girl. She was laughing- always laughing. Even Lizzie’d come to him, sometimes. She didn’t smile, she didn’t laugh, but she’d hold him. It was enough.
Yes, the house was empty, but he wasn’t alone.
He was drifting, it seemed like. Drifting through the days and hours. Drifting through thoughts and memories and visions. Mosely, Diana, Jack- they were gone now. The business done with Tommy somehow the one forgotten in shadows. Michael was gone, a bullet from Tommy’s gun but not at Tommy’s hand. Maybe Polly would forgive just for that small thing. But even those thoughts faded away, slipped from his mind more times than naught. And there was no next plan. There was no next thing. There was simply time and quiet and ghosts.
A phone rang somewhere, pulling him back to the present. He frowned a bit. Ruby’d been with him before, but the phone- She’d gone again, now. Pulling himself to his feet- he was weaker, now, made standing hard- Tommy moved to the desk. He let his hand settle on the phone, felt it ringing against his skin. Don’t answer. Don’t let him in. Go back to Ruby. He looked behind him for his girl, but she was still gone. He picked up the phone. “Hello?”
“Mr. Shelby? This is Dr. Holford.” Tommy closed his eyes, ran his hand over his face. Dr. Holford. The only one who called. The only reason he still answered the phone. “Mr Shelby? Are you there?”
“Yes,” Tommy sighed. He pressed his fingers his eyes, bright colors bursting behind his eyelids. Then his hand fell away and his eyes opened and Ruby was there again. Still smiling her happy smile. “I’m still here,” he told her.
Dr. Holford’s voice came to him through the line. “I’m calling to set up an appointment. I’d like for you to come in for an examination.” Tommy shook his head. He didn’t need it. He was dying, wasn’t he? The tide carrying him out to sea at it’s own pace. For once, he was content to let it carry him- to let the burden of himself fall to another. “Mr. Shelby? Is there a date and time that I can have you in? This is important.”
Important. Important, important, important. Everything had always been important. And then nothing was. Nothing was for a long time but he hadn’t known it then. He’d still been thinking he’d change the world. He’d still been thinking he mattered. But he’d learned- since Ruby went and Lizzie left. He’d broken the only thing that had been important. And now it was his fate to be broken in turn.
“Mr. Shelby, I’m afraid I must insist.”
But people didn’t insist with Tommy Shelby. Not anymore. He pulled the phone from his ear. And suddenly he was watching himself from a distance, looking on as he placed the phone in its cradle. There would be no more Dr. Holford. There would be no more calls. There would just be him and Ruby and the drifting of the tides.
Yes, the tide would hold him out until it pulled him under.
Go quiet now
~*~*~
The phone ringing woke her from her nap.
She shouldn’t have been napping. There was work to be done about the house. She’d promised to help Charlie with his school work, though heavens knew she hadn’t been much for schooling. And now here it was, two hours later than she’d planned this nap to be, according to the clock. And the phone was still ringing.
Pulling herself out of bed, she padded barefoot across the room. Her hand reached for the phone, but she hesitated. Something… Something didn’t feel right, somehow. A weight settled in her stomach that she didn’t understand. But the phone rang again, and she forced herself past whatever this feeling was to answer it. “Hello?”
A brief pause and then, “Yes, is this Mrs. Elizabeth Shelby?”
She’d kept his name. She’d kept his name and still wore his ring, even. But all the same, she flinched to hear herself addressed as Mrs. Shelby. It’d been nigh on five months since anyone’d called her Mrs. Shelby. It’d been almost the same since anyone’d mentioned Tommy to her at all. “Yes, this is she. Who’s calling?”
Another pause, longer. “This is Dr. Holford. I’m you husband’s physician.” Yes, she knew. And with his name that weight in her stomach grew heavier. A kind of chill settled over her, trickling down her spine. “I’m calling about your husband, Mrs. Shelby. He’s…not well.” She knew that, too. Had known for ages and still let herself believe things might be different one day. But that was before. And in this after, Lizzie knew better. Though it didn’t stop the dark feeling that was spreading through her at the doctor’s words.
Lizzie let out a breath, nervous. “How can I help you, doctor?”
“Your husband needs to come in for an examination and he refuses.” Of course he did, what else did she expect from Tommy- I am god- Shelby? The dark feeling faded slightly. In its place, Lizzie felt her mind, heart, and soul grow suddenly weary. In the way only Tommy could make her. “Tuberculoma of the brain is aggressive, which I’m sure you’ve noticed. The seizures alone are a serious threat to Mr. Shelby’s life.”
Her mind froze, then cracked like glass under too much pressure. Just enough to let the words slip in. She couldn’t process what this man was saying, though- couldn’t understand what his words meant. She didn’t know tuberculoma- though it made her heart ache with thoughts of Ruby. But she did know of the seizure. Finding Tommy in the bathroom, shaking and unresponsive on the floor. It had terrified her. Even now, in this moment thinking of it terrified her. But… “Stop,” she said, voice barely more than a whisper. “What- What are you saying? About Tommy?”
Silence. A long silence. Long enough that Lizzie thought the call might have ended. But no, Dr. Holford was still there. She heard a sigh over the line. “Mrs. Shelby, did your husband not speak to you about his condition?” And suddenly it was like sitting at the fucking dining table. It was knowing that once again Tommy’d left her to be the last to know. And it still hurt, five months away and not a word between them and he was still hurting her.
“No,” she replied, forcing herself to sound steady and unbothered. “He did not.”
Another sigh. “Mrs. Shelby, I’d like for you to come to my office. I can explain things more clearly. Would that be acceptable to you?” And wasn’t it nice to have someone want to explain something to her. Wasn’t it nice to have someone care about what was acceptable for her. Wasn’t it a shame that such courtesy rarely seemed to come from the man she’d married.
“I’d like to speak with my husband first, thank you.” Then, she hung up the phone. It would occur to her later how rude that was. But in that moment, it didn’t matter. Her feet carried her silently to the closet. Her hands filled her suitcase soundlessly. She hadn’t thought of what it meant. The decision, like her packing, came quietly. No words or thoughts. Because the truth was still as simple and as heartbreaking as it had always been.
Tommy had hurt her, and Tommy needed her, and the one still outweighed the other, somehow.
Still, she cursed herself- and him- the entire drive. And she arrived at Arrow House almost too soon. So it was no surprise that the moment the car pulled up to the gates, she wished to leave again. She wished to turn around and not look back. Surely it would be easier to do the second time. Surely she wouldn’t have to worry about hiding her tears like she had all those months ago. Somehow, she doubted it.
No one came when she knocked on the door. In fact, as she looked around from the front steps she realized how truly still it was. No sound of horses in the stables, no grooms or gardeners tending to things. It was eerie, and the dark feeling she’d had on the phone with the doctor came back. Stronger and deeper and didn’t let go. Lizzie’s hands trembled slightly as she pulled out the house key. Her mind flashed back to Tommy, wet and shaking. Tommy, eyes dazed and too quiet. The key turned and she rushed inside.
Silence. There was nothing but silence, save for the click of her own heels. There was no one about. Not Frances, not Will, not Margret, not anyone. And Tommy didn’t do well with no one. She saw a muddy field and a broken man face down in the muck. She heard the click of the gun. No, Tommy did not do well when he was alone. Alone, no one was there to tell him to stay.
She ran. Her heart pounded with each step she took. Her mind filled with the worst images. He would do it. He would end it. He’d already sent Charlie away with her- hadn’t even tried to fight it. And it made so much sense, now. He’d not have wanted Charlie to see his father die. He’d not have wanted her to see him die. So it was a prayer and a threat when she came to their bedroom door, hand hovering over the handle. “God above, don’t let me find his body.” She turned the knob. She pushed the door open. And there, laid out on the floor, was Tommy.
“Hello, Lizzie. Wondered when you’d come again.”
Go sound, go safe
~*~*~
She went and spoke to Dr. Holford.
She brought Charlie back to Arrow House.
She reminded Tommy that she was real. He didn’t believe her, but he always kissed her anyway. The cloths came off the furniture. She uncovered the big picture of Grace over the stairs. She still remembered Tommy’s voice when he’d seen the portrait for the first time. ‘She never comes anymore, Lizzie. Think she’s jealous of you.’ She’d stood there for a long while trying not to let her heart break. He hadn’t noticed, like his words hadn’t torn her apart with their softness- their sweetness. And for a while that sweetness stayed. For a while things were…not normal, but good.
Until the seizures got worse.
As the weeks passed the visions stopped being soft and gentle. She heard him screaming more. Romani words meant his mother was haunting him. French words came before the tunnels collapsed on top of him. And there were the names- Greta and Polly, John and Grace. She cried with him when he called for Ruby. She held him when her own name fell from his lips. After all, hadn’t he said she was his greatest regret? Why shouldn’t she be part of his nightmares, too.
But he still held her at night. He still kissed her in the mornings. He smiled for her now. He laughed with Charlie. And though it broke Lizzie’s heart to see it, he’d hum the songs of the Romani to Ruby. It wasn’t real, they both knew it wasn’t, and her heart ached for knowing. But it had been what she’d wanted from the moment she’d gotten pregnant. Her and Tommy and their kids, together and smiling. How cruel fate was, to give her a glimpse after Ruby was already gone and Tommy so close to joining her.
“Dad’s not going to get better, is he?” Charlie asked. Tears filled her eyes as Lizzie shook her head. Her boy nodded, sad and too knowing and it tore her up inside. He shouldn’t have to go through this. He’d lost enough, hadn’t he? “I think…” Charlie tilted his head, his eyes seeing something that Lizzie couldn’t. “I think that maybe this is better. He’s happy now. With us and with- with Ruby. It’s almost- almost like we’re a family, all of us, again. And that’s good, right?”
The tears had spilled long ago. And the words wouldn’t come, even if she’d had words to give. So she pulled her boy into her arms and held him tight. She felt him cry in her arms and she let her own pain out with his. And when it was done and the tears were gone, the words came. “I think you’re right, Charlie love. I think you’re right.”
Lizzie wrapped a towel around Tommy’s waist as she helped him out of the bath.
This was the time when he was most like the old Tommy. He didn’t like the vulnerability, she knew. He didn’t like needing help. But he didn’t fight her much- not anymore. He was used to it, now. Lizzie led him into he bedroom and sat him on the bed. She helped him into his nightshirt- his muscles to weak to do it himself, now. His head came through the neck of the shirt and blue eyes caught green. “Thank you,” he whispered, like he did every day.
“You’re welcome,” she said, as she helped him into the bed. Then she crawled in behind him, settling the covers over them both. Six months back and this was the only part that felt the same as before. He held her hand, she ran her fingers through his hair. They’d share a cigarette back and forth. This was easy. Holding onto him when he was sleep soft and hazy eyed- it’d always been easy.
And when he started shaking, she still held him. Turned him to his side, wrapped her arms around him and held him ‘til it passed. And it always passed, eventually. He fell limp, half on her and half on the pillow. He turned to her, eyes wide and dazed and she pressed a kiss to his forehead. “It’s alright. It’s alright, Tommy, I’m here,” she soothed, arms aching from the weight of him and the force of the seizure. But it was over, now. They’d be alright. “Go to sleep, my love. You’re safe with me. You’re safe.”
His hand, still trembling a bit, took hold of hers. “I’m sorry,” he rasped, voice rough and shaky. She shook her head, the words ‘don’t be’ on her tongue. But he tightened his grip and those blue eyes locked on hers. Stubborn, he was, but he’d say the same of her so she kept quiet. And she was glad she did. She was glad she let him say the words, even if she didn’t know what to do with them. “I’m sorry I didn’t love you in time. But I’ve figured it out, now, Lizzie. I’ve figured it out.” He shifted, just enough to pull her into his arms and she went easily. “You’re safe with me, Lizzie. You are.”
She believed him.
Fool that she was, she believed him.
Open hands are hard to hold onto anyway…
~*~*~
Lizzie woke the next morning to pale sunlight and cool skin.
He looked like he was sleeping. For a moment she told herself that he was. But that moment didn’t last. Because for the first time since she’d known him, Tommy was cold. The tears came to her eyes, her heart broke inside her chest. For him, always for him. But she should have known. It could never have lasted between them- the good. Perhaps it was a curse, as he’d said. Because why else would God let her feel his love just to take him from her like this?
She let the tears fall. She let the ache rush over her. She let herself feel the love she’d only had so very briefly. And when it was done, she lifted her head from his still chest. She pressed her lips to his cold cheek. And somehow, when she hadn’t noticed, her hand had slipped free of his open one. Different, that. It’d always been him slipping free of her grasp, before. But then, open hands are hard to hold onto.
And he’d never quite learned how to hold onto her.