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“Dib, wake up!”
“Wha-? Ow! Zim?!”
Dib was peacefully awoken from his slumber as Zim yelled for him and jumped gracefully onto the young man’s back as he lied in bed, definitely not purposefully digging his heels into said back as he did so.
“Dib! Good, you’re awake! Do you know what time it is?”
Dib fumbled for a moment as he grasped for his glasses on the nightstand table. Once his vision cleared, he glanced at the clock, only to turn and glare at Zim as best he could.
“Zim, it’s midnight.”
“Precisely!” Zim said with a grin, “And you know what that means, yes?”
Dib gritted his teeth, “That it’s midnight, and I was sleeping.”
Zim’s grin widened, “Yes, but that also means…” the irken reached into his pak and pulled out a bottle that he eagerly thrust into Dib’s face, “It’s time to drink!”
Dib’s mind, still clouded from the rude awakening, snapped to alertness as he realized what this was. He groaned, burying his face into his pillow as he moaned, “Zim, it’s too early.”
“But it is officially your 21st year of birth, or “birthday” as you call it. Which means you can legally drink this stupid juice that will somehow make you even dumber than you already are. I’ve waited long enough to see this moment, so drink!”
Zim began to tap the bottle on Dib’s head, becoming slightly more forceful as the man continued to keep his face buried. Dib finally snapped and managed to push Zim off his back and onto the floor. The irken cried out in indignation, but quickly sprung to his feet with a, “Dib-!”
Which Dib promptly cutoff, “My birthday’s not till tomorrow, Zim!”
“But it is tomorrow!”
“Not to me it isn't! To me, it’s still last night, which means I’ve got a few more hours of sleep, then work, and then, then , we can get back to this.”
Zim huffed, “Fine, I guess I’ll be seeing you tomorrow, then.” Zim turned on his heel and began to leave the room, much to Dib’s relief. Then a thought popped into the man’s head.
“Zim, how did you get into my apartment? Did Gir eat my front door again?!”
Zim waved him off as he left the room, “No, he merely broke it. See ya!” With that, the alien disappeared.
With another groan, Dib flopped back down into bed and prayed for sleep to take him once more.
“Dib, you be careful up there, ya hear?”
Dib grunted as he reached for a particularly high shelf, even as the ladder gave him a significant boost, “I’ll be fine, Miss V! You do this all the time!”
Miss V smirked, “Yeah, but I can’t sue myself if I fall off the ladder”
Dib gave her his own smirk, “True, but you could always sue the guys who made the ladder.”
Miss V laughed, “True! Ya got me there. Alright, just yell if you need anything. Or if you fall.” With that, Dib’s boss made her way into the backroom to sort through the day’s inventory, as Dib continued to organize the books on the shelf. He began to reach for another book as he heard the bell to the door chime as it was opened, only to have his stomach drop to the bottom of the ladder as he saw who was walking in and straight towards him.
“Zim, what have I told you about coming to the bookstore while I’m-!”
Zim easily ignored Dib as he began, “It is now officially your day of birth, which finally means-!”
Dib dropped down from the ladder, “Which means I’m still at work, and I can’t drink at work!”
“Sure you can! All you have to do is open the bottle and-”
“Dib, is that your little green friend?” Dib heard Miss V call from the backroom. After all these years, Dib still felt weird considering Zim a “friend” of any sorts. And judging by the grimace on Zim’s face, he might just be thinking along the same lines. That, or he was really starting to resent being called little, seeing as Dib had grown to tower over him quite significantly over the years.
“I am not little and I am not his filthy friend! I just want to get him drunk and stupider!” Zim yelled back.
“Oh yeah, that’s definitely him,” Miss V said as she exited the backroom, “But Dib, I thought you weren’t old enough to drink yet.”
Before Dib could get a single word in, Zim chimed in with, “Today is his 21st year of birth!”
“Oh! I had no idea. Well, happy birthday Dib!”
Dib rubbed the back of his neck, “Uh, thanks Miss V,” he answered sheepishly.
“But there are absolutely no drinks allowed in the store, especially alcoholic ones.” She turned her attention to Zim.
“Yeah, I was just about to tell Zim that I distinctly remember telling him after work, we’d get back to this.”
Zim sighed dramatically, “Fine, the apartment then, even later!” With that, he put the bottle back into his pak and left the store.
The two humans stared after him for a bit, before Miss V piped up and said, “Your friend is rather strange, but you’re lucky to have him.”
Dib let out his own sigh, “Sure, I’ve got the best luck in the world.”
As Dib returned to his apartment after work, he was met with the same busted door he’d been greeted to in the morning, much to his annoyance. He pushed the crooked door open and closed it as best he could. As he made his way further in, he was greeted to the sight of his sister and Gir sitting rather innocently on the couch. Gaz was playing her games and Gir watched her eagerly. He watched them for a moment, allowing this strange moment of peace to last just a little bit longer. He then found he wasn’t being as stealthy as he thought when his sister said, “How long are you gonna stand there like the weirdo that you are?” Not having looked up from her game once. Gir’s attention, however, was immediately on him and the little robot quickly rushed over to him and began hugging his knees with a crushing grip.
“Dib, Dib, Dib! Happy birthday!” Gir said.
“Ah, thanks Gir,” Dib replied, trying desperately not to lose his balance from the sir unit’s tight hold.
Gaz finally looked up from her game and said, “Gir, get back over here. I’m about to beat the boss.” Gir squealed and instantly ran back over to Gaz. Dib breathed a sigh of relief and made his way to the couch as well, sitting down next to Gir who now sat between the two siblings. Gaz returned to her game, but not before saying, “Oh yeah, happy birthday Dib. I’m sure you’ll be thrilled.”
“Gee, thanks Gaz. Thrilled about what though?”
“Thrilled that Zim is about to jump you from behind.”
Dib’s eyes widened, which was all he managed to do before Zim pounced onto his head.
“Gaz!” Zim yelled, “How dare you worn your filthy brother of my brilliantly planned sneak attack on his stupid big head!”
Gaz just smirked as she watched her brother struggle to get the little green space bug off his head. He finally managed to pry Zim off and drop him to the floor, rising from the couch as he did so, “Okay, okay! Let’s finally get this out of the way. Give me the bottle,” Dib held out his hand, and Zim smiled up at him.
“Finally, at long last!” Zim got the bottle out and promptly gave it to Dib. Everyone was now staring at Dib, waiting for him to take his first sip.
“Do all of you really have to watch?”
“Yes,” they all answered simultaneously, which only managed to make Dib even more antsy. He turned his attention to the bottle, trying to figure out exactly what it was that Zim was thrusting upon him. Then he just sighed, noticing Zim’s growing agitation and just wanting to get this over with. So Dib finally opened the bottle and took a sip.
Only to immediately start coughing and gagging at whatever substance he’d just been forced to try, “Geez, Zim! What did you just give me?!”
Zim blinked and said, “Alcohol.” He’d said it slowly, as if he were already speaking to a drunken fool.
“Zim, this tastes awful! You’re not seriously expecting me to drink this whole thing, are you?”
“Of course I am! I want to see-”
“Yeah, yeah! You wanna see me drunk and stupid!”
“Stupider!”
“Fine! You try it then, and if you can stomach it, I’ll drink the whole bottle!” Dib thrust the bottle back at Zim, to which the irken flinched away from.
“You expect me to drink something purposefully designed to make me stupid? You expect the amazing Zim to willingly drink stupid juice?!”
“Well if you want me to drink it, then-!”
“Stop!” Gaz yelled, and the two instantly shut up as Gaz grabbed the bottle and began to examine it thoroughly. It didn’t take long though for her to turn to them and say, “Zim, you got rubbing alcohol.”
Dib’s mouth dropped open as Zim just crossed his arms and said, “So? It’s alcohol, isn’t it?”
“Yes, but it’s the kind you clean with, not drink. If he drinks this whole bottle he could die.”
Zim threw up his hands, “You mean to tell me that humans drink something that not only makes them stupid, but it can also kill them?! I should never have stopped trying to destroy your stupid planet!”
“You gave me rubbing alcohol?!” Dib yelled. Zim snapped his attention back to Dib, “Oh, yes. I suppose I did. Well Gir, it looks like I have a mission for you!”
“Yes?” Gir said.
“Go out and buy the drinkable type of alcohol, cause apparently there's a difference.”
“I’m on it!” Gir saluted, his eyes briefly turning red before he quickly ran out the front door, which resulted in him just busting the poor thing off its hinges completely.
The three stared after him for a moment, before the sound of Gaz booting her game up again broke the silence, along with her saying, “You know, most alcohol tastes like acidic toilet water anyway.”
“And how would you-?” Dib began, before registering what his sister had just said. “Gaz, did you just admit to underaged drinking?”
Gaz shrugged, “It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever done.”
“Gaz!”
“Relax, Dib. I prefer soda anyway.”
Dib sighed and flopped back down onto the couch, too tired for any of this. He closed his eyes and rested his head on the back of the couch, listening to the sounds of his sister’s Game Slave. His eyes opened momentarily as he felt a slight indent in the seat next to him, seeing that Zim had joined them on the couch as well.
“You better drink something that he brings back,” was all the irken said.
Dib sighed, “As long as it won’t kill me or taste too terrible. And you have to drink some too.”
Zim glared at him before relenting, “Fine, but only if it won’t burn my insides. And only one sip! The rest of it is all yours.”
“Great, we’ve finally agreed on something,” Dib then looked to his sister, “None for you though.”
“Like I said Dib, soda is superior.”
With that, they all fell into an awfully pleasant silence.
That is, until Gir came through the open doorway with an overstuffed paper bag of various bottles and cans.
“Master, look! I gots all of the stupid juice!”
Zim perked up, “Good work Gir!”
But then Gir took one more step, and that was all the poor bag could handle. It tore open, spilling out various drinks, whose containers proceeded to shatter as they hit the hard floor. The various mixes of liquids began to spread across the floor, soaking and covering anything they came into contact with.
The three stared at Gir and the mess in complete silence.
“Oh!” Gir piped up, happy as ever, “I also got birthday candles!” The bot proceeded to pull said candles out, along with a lighter.
The two Membrane siblings jumped up in alarm.
“Gir, don’t-!”
But Gir did, and the apartment was swiftly engulfed in flames.
“I can’t believe you set my apartment on fire.”
“And I can’t believe that your people drink a flammable, deadly substance that also makes them stupid. Why did I never use alcohol as a weapon before?”
Dib glared at Zim, “Well, you certainly have tonight.” He motioned outwards towards the city. The four had managed to escape, and now sat atop the hill that overlooked the flaming city.
Zim waved dismissively, “The fire hasn’t gotten that big.”
“Zim, it looks like half the city is on fire!”
Zim merely shrugged, “It was technically Gir’s fault.”
Dib threw his hands up in frustration, before Gir came waddling over with tears in his eyes, “I’m sorry Dib. I ruined your birthday,” Gir sniffled.
Dib’s chest tightened up as he tried his best to console the little robot, “Aw, Gir it’s fine. It’s not ruined. It’s just, um…”
“Gir, it’s not your fault,” Zim piped in, “If Dib hadn’t been so stubborn earlier, none of this would have happened. So really,” the irken smirked, “It’s all his fault.”
“What?! You-!” Dib shot up, “You got me rubbing alcohol!”
Zim shot back, “It’s not my fault that this filthy ball of dirt is covered in dirty, stinking humans that can’t-!”
Gir’s eyes began to well up more as the two began another argument, none of which the two noticed as they were now in full on heated argument mode.
“Soda time!” Gaz’s voice cut above all the screaming and sobbing. Gir’s mood instantly changed, and he squealed as he ran over to Gaz and took one of the offered sodas from her bag, a huge smile on his face. Gaz then glared at her brother and Zim.
“I can’t drink that stuff,” Zim simply said.
“Then just hold one,” and Gaz unceremoniously chucked a can at the green alien. Zim managed to catch it, but also still managed to smack it into his face as he did so. The whole thing made Dib snicker, and before he could be graced with the venomous look he knew Zim was about to give him, he made his way over to his sister and grabbed a soda for himself, sitting back down onto the grass. Zim eventually joined them, and they all sat watching as the city continued to burn.
“Oh, Dib! I’ve got a present for you!” Gir said.
“Really?” Dib asked, becoming slightly concerned at what this gift could be. Gir proceeded to pull out a tiny bottle, “I got it from the stupid juice store! Isn’t the little baby bottle cute? Here!” he thrust the little bottle to Dib, “The baby’s all yours now!”
Dib took the bottle and looked it over, quickly realizing what it was.
“Heh, looks like one bottle survived after all.”
“You’re drinking it right now,” Zim said.
“Zim-”
“Dib, do you really want half the city to burn down for nothing?”
Dib didn’t spend too much time glaring before he sighed and twisted the tiny bottle open. He took a moment to sniff at its contents before taking a drink.
“Huh, it’s not bad, actually. Kinda sweet,” he said. Then he looked at Zim, “Your turn, space boy.” Zim cautiously took the offered bottle, examined it thoroughly, gave it a good sniff, then finally took a taste for himself.
“Oh, you’re right. It is sweet,” he said. He stared at the bottle for a moment longer before going in for seconds.
“Hey, you said one sip!”
“That was before I knew that they could taste sweet!”
“What happened to not drinking stupid juice?”
“But it’s sweet and now it seems you actually want it.”
“Yeah I want it! It actually tastes good and it’s my birthday gift!”
The two began fighting for the little baby alcohol bottle, to which Gir and Gaz watched with complete amusement as the city continued to burn in the distance.