Work Text:
29th september 2028
Chocolate brown eyes, a deep shade of new dyed blonde hair, small nose and pale heart shaped lips that have been torn up with perfect white teeths. It was the same everyday. The same face, everytime he looked at the mirror or passed by a window that confronted him with his reflection. For 28 years of his life, it has been the very same eyes that stare right back at him and the longer he looked at himself the more those eyes felt like the ones of a stranger. Someone he didn't know, someone who he hasn't shared every single thought, tear and moment with. He wondered about the millions of people, who live under the same sky as him. When they look at the mirror, do they recognize those eyes? Was he the only one, who felt as if everyday someone else lived inside his eyes? A dry chuckle came out of his mouth and he shook his head as a way to clear his head of those very much useless thoughts. Useless thoughts he had grown accostumed to over the almost 3 decades he had been wandering on this planet. They hadn't been much part of his life the last few years but much to his irritation they had become quite frequently the past days and despite his pretentious ignorance, he was very aware of why this change had accured exactly 6 days ago.
He was doing his everyday routine of taking a stroll around the park, near his house, which offered a view in spring that no matter how many times he saw the paths covered in cherry blossom leaves, would never not be heavenly in his eyes. It was a habit he picked up quite a few years ago, that he had been adviced to by his therapist and it was astonishing how much a simple walk could keep his mind a note lighter. His thoughts being about nothing worth remembering, his phone, he usually left at home but forgot to do so this morning, vibrated inside his coats pocket and his footsteps came to a sudden stop, when he read the id of the caller. With only a small moment of hesitation, he pressed the green button and as if he hadn't been too sure of his decision, his gaze lingered a moment on the passing seconds on the screen before he finally put the phone to his ear.
,,Hello?” it felt weird, too distant for someone who had been a part of his life for a long time but after all those times, wouldn't it be weird if he called him by his name?
,,Hey, it's me but you probably already know that if you still have my number” a nervous laugh came from the other line and he was convinced the other felt just as awkward as he did. It had been quite some time since they last spoke.
,,Of course I know it's you Jeongin” they both fell silent for a moment, as if through his words and the unfamiliarity of the name coming from Jisungs tongue, had made them aknowledge the fact that they had drifted apart, even though they had promised not to when they were young and still full of ambitions and dreams. But it wasn't the time to talk about feelings that could never be discussed over phone and thankfully Jeongin seemed to feel the same as he started asking Jisung questions about his daily life, directing the conversation away from any topic that could remind them of the distance that lingered between them. Between them all. After an hour of Jisung aimlessly walking through the park, while talking on the phone, Jeongin finally said what Jisung thought to be the actual reason for his call.
,,I wanted to tell you something” ,,Go ahead” he felt the younger hesitating for a moment and he couldn't help but feel anxious as a thought appeared in his mind. One that made his stomach sink and for a moment he felt like his heart had stopped. As if it was waiting for the death sentencing words of the other.
,,Well...actually Chan-hyung called me yesterday and he asked to meet up” confusion replaced the terriying feeling inside him and he couldn't help but wonder why exactly Jongin was telling him this ,,I mean, he wants us all to meet up” he said as if he sensed Jisungs confusion.
Jisung spit the rest of toothpaste out and rinsed his mouth with water from the white hotel room cup. He bend over the sink and splashed ice cold water onto his skin that was still puffy from the long night. He had driven all the way to Seoul to meet up with two friends, who had pestered him for over a week to come by and as he knew those two well enough, he was aware it would be a time, filled with countless glasses being emptied and a buzzing headache the next morning. He wasn't even sure why he had given in as he wasn't very much in the mood to party nor drink himself senseless but he talked himself into believing it was because he knew those two wouldn't easily give up and not because certain people would meet tomorrow, in Seoul. Jongin had called him 6 days ago, telling him about Chan wanting them all to meet up and it's been 6 days since Jisung told him that he will think about it, using his schedule as the reason he might not be able to come.
It wasn't like Jisung didn't wanted to see them again. Those people had been part of a time that had brought so many hardships but they had also been part of his most happiest times. It wasn't even fair to call it like this. They were the reason it was his happiest time. He felt a slight sting inside his chest as memories and emotions flod his head but much to the young Jisung, he wasn't as powerless over his emotions as he used to. He was what he always wanted to be, grown up. Grown up enough to be thankful for those times but accpeting that they were memories of a very different time of his life. A time that was filled with sleepless nights inside the studio and thousands of voices screaming their name. A time where they were all still a team, glued to each other through contracts and promises. Those times were over, Stray Kids didn't exist anymore because they were no longer kids, who were left stranded in a world that had no ounce of sympathy for young minds that wanted to move the world. They were no longer Idols of a Kpop band, now they were simply adults who have walked their own paths, which just weren't the same. No hiding meaning, no destiny. They all just wanted different things in life. Jisung wasn't sure what his hyung expected of gathering them all after so long. ''Does that bother you?” Jisung remembered the question Ms. Song had asked him two days ago
,,Does what bother me?” ,,That you don't know what to expect if you decide to meet up with them” ,,I don't know, I guess” his therapist looked at him with her firm but soft stare when she knew exactly that the answer was clear to him but he decided to pretend to be clueless and like most of the time, he gave in ,,Yeah” he admitted, the wrinkles on his forehead, he always gets when he doesn't know what to make of his emotions, show and he starts biting his bottom lip ,,I mean, it's not like it's totally absurd for him to ask to meet up, it's just....it's so out of the blue and we haven't spoken since I moved here and I....I wasn't prepared” ,,Not prepared for exactly what?” Jisung hated the fact that she always seemed to know where to put the question, to get the right answers ,,Being confronted with that time of my life. I mean-” he sat up straight, oblivious to his obvious tensed posture and shaking leg and tried to find a more comfortable position to remain in ,,-it's not like it's a bad time of my life or anything, no, not at all but I have my life here now. I left Seoul and all those memories behind me to start a new life and it just feels wrong to suddenly have those two mixed up together” it was silent for a moment as Jisung looked at the mid fourty woman nervously, waiting for her to comment on his words as her hazel colored eyes stare at him intensly, deciphering his words to help him just like she has done the past 3 years.
,,Could it maybe have an exact reason that you don't want your current life to collide with that of your past? Like you said, it is a time where you have experienced various kinds of emotions, which you also describe as good, so there must be something that makes you feel that anxious” Jisung knew she wasn't asking him that question for him to think about it. They both knew he knew the reason but she was not going to make it easy and speak it out aloud for him. He would have to find the courage to do so himself, because like she always said, if he couldn't say it himself he wasn't ready to talk about it. But the answer to that question was a lot more painful than Jisung would ever dare to admit, even though he was sure Ms. Song was aware of it a lot more than he liked her to be. His leg stopped moving and he bit hard enough on his lip to draw blood and Ms. Song simply gave him a handkerchief, which he took with a slight awkward and grateful expression.
,,I know” he said quietly, feeling like the room was suddenly drowned in suffocating silence as his own words echoed in his ears. It was a wound that had long turned into a scar that was old enough for him to look at without feeling like he was tearing it open again but it was a nasty, big one that had held him captivated for a very long time. A time he didn't like to remember nor felt like revisiting. ,,I'm aware that Jeongins call and what he told me isn't at fault for my lately tensed mood” he inhaled deeply as if he had to ready himself for the following words because once they were spoken out, there was no way to erase the painful truth ,,I'm not ready to....to meet him” and just like that, Jisung had spoken out the words he had spent the past days avoiding and he felt himself breathing out as if he had hold his breath since that call but the short lived relief was soon replaced by a gut wrenching feeling that Jisung knew all to well. Ms. Song didn't say anything as she knew Jisung well enough to know, to give him a moment to collect his emotions.
After putting on his coat and shoes he left the hotel room and took the elevator down to the first floor ,,Good morning Mr. Han” the young woman behind the counter greeted him with a 90 degree bow ,,Can I be of help?” Jisung wanted to sheak his head but stopped himself. Tomorrow morning, he would check out and drive back to Jinhae-gu. He would wake up as early as possible, so he would be back around midday ,,Actually yes. Can I book the room a night longer?” she started typing something into the computer of which Jisung assumed to find out if someone had booked his room already, which didn't seem the case as the woman happily told him that the room was still availble and she would take care of it. He thanked her and left the hotel to get himself a coffee. It wasn't like the hotel didn't have one, in fact all Jisung would've needed to do was press the number one on the phone in his room and a few minutes later he would've had a coffee, made from finest and expensive beans. Today though, he craved a different coffee. It had been 2 years since he was last in Seoul and he could've called a taxi to get him to his destination but the fresh air was desperately needed even though Jisung couldn't really speak of fresh air as Seoul was a city, with a fog of industry smoke and car exhaust that denied you the beautiful view of the night sky.
He strolled down the streets, which weren't as packed as they usually are because he had timed his walk when most people would be at work, so that he at least would be able to get through the streets without almost being crushed by bodies. It was a nostalgic feeling to see all those busy streets but it was just as much exhausting as he had moved on the countryside, where things were definitely not as busy. His feet took him quite a few streets away from the hotel until a small coffeeshop came into sight. It was threatened to be crushed by the two big stores on each side of it and the wall above the shield that said 'haneul Café' had started to crumble. It was a cheesy name but it left a warm feeling inside the 28 year olds chest that he didn't expect. He opened the door and found it to be just the way he had last seen it. The left and right wall were filled with tables and banks to sit on that had a high build backrests, that seperated them from the next table and gave a sense of privateness, while the counter was in the center of the room, with an old silver bell on it. It was small, simple and without anything that made it stand out and be able to compete with the countless other coffeeshops in Seoul but for Jisung this place held some of his dearest memories. He looked at the table on the right side, right at the window and he saw 16 year old Jeongin and himself ordering coffee even though they never tried it before and simply wanted to feel like adults.
He still saw the forced relaxed expression of the younger one who didn't seem to want to admit that it tasted horrible but after Jisung had quietly let the liquor flow from his mouth back into the cup, Jongin had spit it back out and had stated that people who liked the taste of it have something very wrong with their tastebuds. In the end they both came to like it even though Jeongin prefered it to be sweet and milky enough to take away the bitterness, which always got him teased from the others. Jisung sat down and shortly after an old man appeared from behind the counter and seemed surprised to actually find a customer. Jisung didn't expected him to recognize him as the man must've been around sixty, seventy years old and it's been over 6 years since he last visited, so he didn't expect the mens eyes to lit up the way they did
,,It's been a very long time” he greeted Jisung with a smile, whose eyes widened in suprise before he returned the smile with glowing eyes and a 90 degree bow ,,You remember me, sir?” the old mans dark laugh echoed through the small café before he nod softly ,,Of course I do. You used to came with those friends of yours, especially that one friend” Jisung knew exactly who he meant and he couldn't help but give the man a sad but warm smile ,,Yeah, that was quite a long time ago” his eyes grew distant as memories started to overtake his mind but Jisung was faster. He looked back at the old man and ordered his special coffee. Jisung had tried to find out just what it was that made the coffee taste that good but to this day, he had never gotten behind the secret and instead had tried to come here as often as he could. Of course that was all before everything had changed. After that, the remaining year in Stray Kids was a blur of shows and preparation and when they had disbanded and Jisung had continued to live in Seoul for another two years, he couldn't get himself to visit this place in fear of breaking a dam, that he was doing his best to keep locked. Now enough time had passed and he wasn't the same person anymore.
He spent the whole day, just walking through Seoul, wondering what it would feel like to meet them all again. He would be a liar if he said he didn't feel just a little excited at the thought of seeing those people again, that had impacted his life in such a strong way that it changed him for the rest of his lifes. He still remembers his 15 year old self actually becoming a trainee in a company that he had never imagined to get in to and had only auditioned for because his friend had talked him into it. Leaving his life in malaysia behind and his parents, who had never liked the idea of him wasting his time with ''meaningless'' dreams, had been a decision that had made him meet those 7 guys that without a doubt became a family to him. But life was very different from the way he had imagined it as a young teenager and it surely was even more cruel than he already knew and expected it to be. It made his heart ache at the promises they gave each other at those young ages. To never leave anyone behind and to stay a family no matter what. But the wounds the disbandment left on each of them had needed time to heal and for everyone to find their own path and somehow inmidst that, they had driven apart. Minho was the first one to leave Seoul. Changbin became a great offer to produce music in a big label in New York and left Korea only half a year later. Hyunjin moved to Jeju island and Felix went back to australia, while Jeongin stayed in Seoul, just like Chan. And Seungmin had opened his own photograph studio and after he got successful, moved to London. They all had fled Seoul as if it was a contagious disease, some even going as far to run away to another country. It had all become so messy at the end and Jisung knew that nobody had wanted things to happen the way they did but it was not like regret had ever changed anything. Jisung had long accepted that and after realizing that they all were just kids, who had way too early become adults and were forced to decide matters that no one could've expected, any hard feelings he harbored vanished and had left a hole inside him. He wondered how the others felt. Did they still held onto resentment and regret? Would they still hate him or had they forgiven him upon realizing that he had been just a naive young men?
He knew it was useless to try and go through different scenarios of what might happen tomorrow, so he decided to just bury all those hurricane like feelings and enjoy as much of the day as he could.
Less than twenty-four hours later, Jisung found himself inside a taxi on his way to Chans home. Just a day after Jeongin had called him, he got a message from Chan with an address and a simple smiling face emoticon. He had changed into a simple black shirt and tight washed out blue jeans and had let his blonde hair that was naturally wavy hang lously around his face. His heart was beating loud enough to drown out all the other noises around him, while he was having an internal battle on whever he should just ask the driver to get him back to the hotel or face his friends and that one person like an adult. It's been 6 years and he had accepted the past, so he couldn't understand why it was affecting him that much just to think about seeing him again. He looked outside the window, rain drops running down the window in a race and he sighed, leaning his head against the cold glass as an attempt to calm his mind. Ms. Song had told him many times to stop denying himself of feelings, even if they didn't feel good at the moment. Through his whole life he had always depended on himself and in order to survive that way as a young child, he had created a habit of not allowing himself to feel any negative emotions. It only lead to weakness and himself feeling overwhelmed and he was busy trying to get through school, life, puberty and everything that came with it. Unnessacary feelings of feeling not good enough, hating his life and tears only took energy he couldn't share. But now he was an adult and he was trying to stop feeling like he always had to be strong, that just because he was feeling doesn't mean he was less of a men nor not mature.
He was so deep in the maze of his mind that he didn't notice the car stopping and was thrown back into reality by the cough of the driver ,,We're here, sir” the much older men said and Jisung turned his head to the side and looked at a house, with stone walls in different shades of grey and white. His eyes lingered on it for a moment longer before he gave the driver the money and some extra cash and watched the car drive away, leaving him with no option but to go inside that house. The left side, that stuck out, was almost completely covered in windows and allowed Jisung a from the raindrops on it blurry view of a big room, with a long wooden table that had countless glasses, plates, etc. neatly put on.
,,Han?” he heard a voice, he would recognize in a crowd of thousand people and turned around to see a brown haired, freckled boy whose marcant features were still as visible as he had seen him last time. And just like that all that fear he had felt upon seeing them again, disappeared as Felix crossed the street, his open umbrella carelessly by his side and hugged Jisung strong enough for both of them to almost lose balance and fall. He shoved Jisung softly away to take a look at his face, only to crush him in a hug once more. A laugh escaped Jisungs mouth and his arms found their way around the others back. ,,My god, it's been so long” Felix breathed out and let go of the other with a slight embarrassed expression because of his turbulent greeting ,,How are you? Man, it's been so long” he said in english and Jisung couldn't help but chuckle ,,I'm good, what about you? How's life in australia?” ,,I would love to answer that question but let's go inside first. I don't wanna be drenched even more in rain” and just like that he walked with an old friend to the black door and rung the silver bell.
To say he was surprised would've been an understatement. He had hoped for it but never actually thought that them seeing each other would be like this. Instead of awkward, distant greetings and forced hugs he found himself inside Chans warm arms, hugged like the older had always done. He had tried to hide it but Jisung could see the glassy eyes of his hyung, who gave him a smile that broke his heart and mend it back together at once. Chan had been one of the most caring people he had ever met, someone who had tried his best to be a friend and a leader without letting one of them outweight the other. He had been the first one to call them a family and had choked on his tears in an attempt to keep them in. He was someone Jisung had always admired for his strength and kindness that never seemed to be worn-out. His friend had grown older even though he couldn't pinpoint what exactly it was but there was no denying, that he was just as handsome as before just that a three day beard was now growing and the boyish feature had disappeared.
Felix and him weren't the first to arrive. Jeongin had arrived 20 minutes before them and Seungmin was staying at Chans house while he was visiting. Jeongins face was still that of a teenager but his features had grown to be more marcant, erasing some of that boyish look he had always been envied for but didn't quite liked himself. He had nervously smiled at Jisung and went in for a hug when the other returned a big smile and opened his arms. Seungmin was the first one to get him back to reality as he only smiled lightly at him from the distance as a way to say hello. Jeongin was updating him about his life but Jisung couldn't help but notice Seungmin, sitting at the table with an expression that was hard to read ,,So, actually there is someone I want you guys to meet” Chan said, taking all of their attention but before he could utter another word, the door bell rang again and Jisung wondered if he was the only one, whose heart beat at the unknown of who that person was.
,,This god damn shit wheater” a dark voice cursed that brought a grin to everyones faces. After a few seconds of ruttle, which probably was luggage that was being stored at the side Chan came back, grinning brightly with a very wet Changbin to his left. He looked around the room and his eyes immediately stopped when they found Jisungs ,,Han” it was almost like a whisper but before he could actually walk up to him, Felix came jumping into his arms, shouting hyung loud enough for Changbins eardrums to hurt ,,Calm down Yeongbok, we just saw each other two weeks ago” Jeongin was the one to speak up about that statement and that way they found out that Felix and Changbin had actually been in contact for the past 5 years and visited each other quite often. Seungmin had given Changbin a rather awkward hug as if he didn't knew what that actually meant and was only learning to but it didn't seem to bother the older. Before any conversation could be picked up again, the front door opened again but this time a woman entered the house. She had long dark hair that was braided to a ponytail and she wore a long, blue dress which couldn't hide the big belly underneath ,,Guys” Chan said and walked towards that women, sneaking a hand around her waist ,,That is Taelha, my fiánce” and just like that Chan revealed the reason for wanting to meet them all. Taelha got unexpected pregnant and Chan proposed to her a month ago, deciding together for a small wedding ceremony with only close family and friends.
,,I know this is sudden and I know it's probably crazy after all those years to gather you guys like this but it...just felt wrong to not have you all with me. That's why I wanted you guys to not only meet Taelha but also invite you to the wedding” for a simple moment everyone stayed silent, taking in the news before Felix bursted into excited shouts and hugged Chan and Taelha like a hurricane, only to apologize to Taelha for forgetting korean manners but she only laughed it off, telling him that Chan has told her so much about them all that she feels like she already knows them. Everyone had congratulated them both and shook their heads at Chan believing they wouldn't want to be at his wedding, who scratched his back in embarassment and laughed. He wanted to say that he didn't know if they would want to come because after all, he had seen some of them the last time years ago but he decided to bite his tongue, feeling it's too early to have that kind of conversation. Jeongin told him that Hyunjin is stuck in traffic and won't be on time and when Jisung heard Felix asking why Minho wasn't here yet, Seungmin answered that he would be here in a less than five minutes, which made Jisung look at his direction. To his suprise Seungmin was already looking at him, so Jisung averted his gaze immediately to not get caught at the mere mention of that person getting his full attention. So they probably stayed in contact. It wasn't much of a suprise to him actually. Seungmin had always seemed to like Minho the most and used to be like a young sibling that wanted to be just like his older brother.
As Chan had told them to just sit down wherever they want to, someone knocked on the door and Jisung felt himself holding his breath. The room felt too small and the decision to come suddenly felt wrong and he wished for nothing more but a hole to swallow him and spit him out in Jinhae-gu, back to his comfort zone. He could feel Felix and Changbins eyes on him, so he smiled lightly, not giving away that he felt like he was being thrown into a pit that he was not ready to face.
The next minutes felt like a dream to Jisung, not real. There he was, standing right beside Chan and his eyes seemingly unaware of everything but Jisung, who looked right into his mocha brown eyes.
That face that had haunted countless dreams of his and he had seen on every corner in Seoul. That voice that he couldn't seem to forget and had accidentally taken a handful of sleeping pills just so it would stop ringing inside his head. The warm touch that he sometimes still felt on his skin and made him cry until there was nothing left but to bury everything so deep within for the tears to ever stop. Jisung had never expected Minho to ever be able to shake his whole world to that extent. He had made him question everything. His feelings, his sexuality, his dreams, his future and now that same boy, who used to whisper sweet words between kisses behind locked doors stood there, seemingly rooted in place. Nobody dared to say anything and suddenly Jisung was aware of his surroundings again and he broke the eye contact, lowering his head to dust of some non existing dirt from his jeans without knowing what to do to turn the attention away from him. Thankfully Changbin got up from the table and engulfed Minho in a strong hug, which resulted in the others doing the same and even though they all tried hard to ignore it, Jisung felt the tension that had filled the room and the looks they gave him but pretend not to.
Jisung didn't knew what to feel, he just sat there at the table, wondering where his 28 year old self had gone to. That person who believed to be able to meet those mesmerizing eyes. But now he definitely felt more like the 21 year old boy who was so crazily deep in love that he would've sacrificed everything for that love but was merciless thrown into a sea full of sharks. Just like everyone else Minho was surprised at the news of Chan being engaged and becoming a father but he had embraced the older in a tight, warm hug that no one was sure they had ever seen him give someone else but Jisung. After Hyunjin finally arrived too they all sat on that big table and countless conversations were lead at the same time, giving off the same chaotic feeling Jisung had felt last a very long time ago. He wondered if Chan had bought this table with them in mind. There were exactly 9 chairs as if he had waited for them all here to come back. Jisung had tried his best to pretend to listen to Jeongin or Changbin talking to him and hoped no one noticed him not touching the food at all. From time to time, when he felt like nobody was watching him his gaze wandered to Minho, who was sitting at the other side of the table, two seats away from him and was smiling lightly at a story Felix was telling him.
He didn't change at all. His hair had grown back to his real hair color that Minho used to dislike because he thought it was boring and his nose was still a distinctive feature in his perfectly sculped face and Jisungs eyes wandered down to his plumb shiny lips, which reminded him of things that wouldn't do him any good to remember. What he failed to see was that every time, he turned back to the conversation he was having, Minhos eyes glanced at him, lingering long enough that it was hard for the others to not notice. At some point, Jisung had escaped into the garden for a smoke, feeling grateful for having an excuse to leave that room even if it was just for a few minutes. He lit up the cigarette and took a strong first drag and exhaled the smoke as if he was trying to make those feelings inside him leave with the smoke. He run his hand through his hair and sighed deeply. He hadn't expected himself to be that unprepared to meet him but now it seemed ridiculous to even think he ever could be unaffected of the males presence. He never had been. He still remembered his lack of knowledge about his own feelings leading him to believe he envied Minhos beauty. He was sure he had never seen someone as handsome as he was and just like the story they had told dozen of times, he had glared at the other, only to realize three years later that what he had felt at that time wasn't something as simple jealousy. No, it was something much more deeper than that and somethig that had thrown Jisung out of his lane when he found those feelings out to be reciprocated. A moment he had come to resent after they had parted ways. But not anymore.
The door behind him opened and Changbin walked up to him ,,Spare me one?” Jisung only smiled and held out the cigarette pack for the older to take. The lighter lit up the dark around them for a moment, before the only source of light was coming from the lights inside the house again ,,You didn't tell much about your life” Changbin broke the silence, taking a drag and letting the smoke slowly leave his mouth ,,Not much to tell” Jisung said, shrugging his shoulders and flashing the other a blank smile. It went silent once more between them and stayed that way until Changbin had finished his cigarette and turned towards the door, waiting for Jisung to follow him, who seemed to not intent to do so.
,,I don't think I can go back in there” Jisung was just as surprised at his honesty as Changbin was and suddenly he felt a sting inside his throat and he tried his best to keep up his calm face. He had went out for that cigarette, wearing his coat, wondering if he should just go and send Chan a message later that he felt sick and went home but it seemed too childish to just leave like that, so he had decided for the more mature way. Changbin observed his face quietly before a suffocated sigh left his mouth and he walked back to his old friend and embraced him in a tight hug. Neither of them said anything as they just stood in the dark, seeking comfort in each other and forgetting all those hurtful years for a moment.
,,I can't imagine how you feel, at all” Changbin muttered quietly and Jisung gulped at the reminder that probably everyone knew what he was feeling, no matter how much he tried to conceal it ,,I can't take that away from you, I wish I could, but what I can do is, walk into that room with you and stay by your side” Jisungs heart ached at those comforting words and he was once again reminded that he did not only lose someone he believed to be the love of his life but also 6 brothers, who had stayed by his side and gone through thick and thin with him . He knew Changbin was right, leaving now was the coward way out and Jisung had taken that way his whole life but the past 6 years had forced him to grow and realize that there are some things you won't be able to run away from, no matter how much you wish to. Jisung was still not good at expressing his feelings with words in a vulnerable moment but he knew the other knew that he was grateful. After all they were family. Changbin had kept his promise and stayed all evening long by his side and with some effort he was even able to enjoy the evening a little. It was such a surreal feeling as Jisung sat alone at the table, observing the others talking and laughing with each other. Chan was about to be a father, Hyunjin and his girlfriend Minha were thinking about moving further onto the countryside and Changbin has made himself a big name in New York. They were all grown up and nostalgia hit him hard when he saw their younger versions, in the studio and dorm, goofing around and fighting about who ate whos food again.
,,Crazy, isn't it?” someone said beside him and Jisungs breath hitched in his throat, when he realized who that voice belonged to. Minho sat down beside him, a gentle smile on his lips and eyes that Jisung couldn't read ,,Who would've thought Chan would be the first to be a father” Jisung calmed himself down and chuckled lightly ,,Isn't really that suprising. He already raised 7 guys before” Minho laughed at those words and he feel his heart melt at this melodic laugh that used to brighten up every dark tunnel. A laugh he had missed a lot more than he expected to. Changbin threw a glance their way but instead of interfering into the conversation, a heavy expression laid upon his eyes, making him turn away from them and avoid their eyes.
,,You're right” Minho sighed and he was trying his best to hide that he was just as nervous as the younger one but Jisung knew him too well. The darting eyes, the nervous laugh and the way his hands moved back and forth over his leg.
,,So, I heard you moved to Jinhae 2 years ago. It must be beautiful in spring” ,,Oh it is” Jisung continued telling him about how tourists came every year, flooding the city, so he had moved further away from the center, with a park quite near his house that kept being unnoticed by traveler, who was just as pretty in spring than the official festival in the city. He had tried his best to ignore his fast beating heart from Minhos gaze, that never left him and something inside him felt relief at the fact that Minho really seemed to not have changed at all. The answer to the question why he felt reliefed, was something he wasn't near being ready to face.
,,That sounds beautiful. I would love to see it some day” ,,Yeah, it's definitely worth it” Jisung looked up and met his eyes and the moment he did, he regretted it. Minhos mocha colored eyes were looking at him with such a soft gaze that for a moment, there was a dangerous thought inside his head that was trying to lure him into giving in to something, he didn't dare to even think about. It's been so many years since those soft eyes had last looked at him like this. All Jisung saw in his mind were those same eyes, looking at him from across the dance studio, filled with so much pain and words that were begging to be shouted out aloud for everyone to hear. It was the reason why Jisung had tried his best to avoid the dancers eyes in his remaining year in Stray Kids. It hade shattered his heart into pieces every single time.
It was still silent between them as they simply locked eyes and Jisung had no clue if the others were looking at them or even aware of them talking because all he saw was this men in front of him, who had become his first in so many ways. Felixs loud laugh broke them both out of that moment and they both averted their gaze, Minho clearing his throat in a awkward manner, while Jisung grabbed his half filled glassed and took a sip from it. Jisung had so many question, he wanted to ask him. So much he wanted to know about his life but he was afraid to be unable to take the answers for more than one reason. The older on the other hand kept asking him one question after the other but neither of them dared to get even close to that one question, that lingered inside both their heads. Nobody disturbed them, while they talked and simply went on as if the contact between those two wasn't something they all had feared to end not well. After some time Jisung had excused himself to the bathroom, where he splashed water onto his face, trying to cool down and digest that this was actually happening. He was in Seoul, in one room with Lee Minho, the same men who had told him 6 years ago, with tears streaming down his face that he doesn't know if he can live without him.
7 th may 2022
Jisungs eyes were glued to the floor, unable to look up and met those eyes that had always made his knees weak. He felt as if someone had wrapped him up inside a foggy blanket, as if he wasn't awake nor sleeping. Unreal. That's how it felt and oh, did he wished for it to be exactly that. But it wasn't. Him standing in the middle of the dance studio, with Minho right in front of him, whose hands were shaking, while he was trying his best to hold back those tears.
,,This is really happening, isn't it?” The older whispered into the dead silent room, confirming that he was feeling just as lost as Jisung did.
,,God” Minho cursed, his hands violently running through his hair as he turned halfway around, only to look back at Jisung ,,This...this is so fucked up. I- I” his voice broke and it was enough for Jisungs strength to disappear completely and the tears started to fall and slowly his body began to shake from the violent sobs that were escaping his throat. In a matter of seconds he felt two arms reaching around his body, crushing him in a tight hug. His hands grabbed onto the others pullovers fabric violently and he held onto him as if he was going to die if he let go. This wasn't fair. Jisung couldn't understand this. What did they do wrong? They never hurted anybody, so why was it that they were being forced apart, with fate cruel enough to make them have to face each other everyday. Jisung screamed at himself to get his act together, to stop crying and accept the inevitable but his body didn't obey and all he could do was cling onto the other like a child.
The memory of that moment, they both had understood that there was no way out, made him nauseous and he could feel himself growing weak and tired from the evening.
Around 11 pm, Jisung was the first to announce his leave, earning playful but disappointed groans ,,I'm sorry but I have a long drive ahead of me tomorrow” ,,Just stay here” Chan offered ,,We got another guest room. You could stay a few more days” Jisung heard the hope in his hyungs voice and as much as he wished to say yes and draw that happy smile onto Chans face, he couldn't. He needed space right now. Space from everything. ,,I really wish to but there are actually some things waiting for me back at home, so...” ,,Oh, of course” Chan said, trying to hide the disappointment, giving his fiancé a soft smile as he felt her hand, gently stroking his back ,,Alright. But we gotta meet up soon, alright?” Jisung laughed and hugged the older ,,Of course, hyung” when he let go, he could see a sea of unspoken words that wanted out but Chan only smiled. Seungmin, who had kept his distance all evening long had suddenly come forward and embraced him in a short but honest hug. He didn't seem to be able to meet his eyes but told the others he would walk Jisung to the taxi. He said his goodbyes to the others, only giving Minho a soft smile not knowing if he could endure a hug from him and left the house with Seungmin together.
,,It was really nice to see everyone again” Jisung broke the awkward silence and rubbed his hands together in an attempt to keep the cold out of his body. Seungmin smiled lightly and nod ,,Yeah, it really was. Haven't seen Chan and Jeongin in like 4 years” ,,Yeah same. Seemed like the rest actually stayed in contact a bit” Jisung stated, feeling guilt knawing at him. The two years he had stayed in Seoul, he had tried to hold contact to everyone but after he moved away the occasional hellos and how are yous stopped and he never answered anybodys messages again. It was all just too much at that time. Two years he had tried to pretend that nothing was wrong and that he wasn't angry but when he felt himself exploding, he had childishly moved to Jinhae without telling them and never reached out to anyone.
When they came to a stop in front of the car, Seungmin finally lifted his head and looked him right in the eyes ,,You know that.....that I'm sorry, right?” of course Jisung knew what he was talking about and if the boy had said those words 4 years ago, Jisung probably would've exploded and screamed at him for thinking he was ever going to forgive them but he wasn't like that anymore. None of them was at fault for what happened. Jisung put his hand on the others shoulders and smiled lightly ,,It wasn't your fault. No one of you guys is to blame for what happened. We were all still so young and afraid of peoples judgement” ,,But...I said all those horrible things to you” Jisung still remembered vaguely the enraged face of the singer as he shouted at Jisung and Minho that their selfishness lead to them disbanding and the way his heart broke, when everybody stayed silent and only Chan told Seungmin to stop.
,,You were angry, just like everybody else” there was no denying that Jisung and Minhos relationship, they had kept a secret from the other members for a year, was undoubtly one of the reasons things had ended the way they did and Jisung would feel sorry for the rest of his life, knowing that Seungmin and some of the others hadn't been as ready to let go of that life as they pretended to be.
,,Don't worry about those kind of things, Seung. It's all in the past” he gave him a light pat on the shoulder and turned to the car, opening the door and as he was about to get in Seungmin spoke up once more ,,He doesn't have anyone....he never did” all Jisung managed to do was give him a shaky smile.
Jisung had his eyes shut tight all the way back into the city. His head hurt badly and he was exhausted, emotionally and physically. All he wanted was some aspirin and a good night sleep and then drive back to where he belonged now. His phone vibrating took him out of the foggy state he was in and with tired eyes he looked at his screen, squinting his eyes at the brightness of it.
'What hotel are you staying at?' - Changbin
Jisung saved the unknown number and replied with the name and a why, to which he got an answer only seconds later
'Let's meet up, before you go'
Jisung chuckled lightly and replied with a simple ok and a smiley face and slid the phone back into his pocket. He desperately needed sleep and a break from the noise inside his head but life didn't seem to want to grant his wish as his night was filled with tossing and turning and waking up from dreams that always included that hauntingly handsome face. In the end, he got about 2 hours of sleep and met up with Changbin at 10 am at a park, close to the airport from where Changbin would fly back to New York this evening.
,,Didn't get much sleep last night, huh?” Changbin said, regarding Jisungs conspicuous bags under his eyes ,,Not really” he admitted and took a sip from his coffee, they had bought on their way to the airport.
,,It was nice seeing everyone again, you know. Knowing what's going on in their lifes and all that” Jisung agreed smiling and before he could say anything Changbin said ,,I wish it could stay like that” the tone of his voice gave away what he meant exactly. It was a silent plea for Jisung to not disappear and banish them all from his life again.
,,Me too, but you know, it's not that easy being busy with life and all” ,,Don't give me that excuse Han” Changbin said, daring for the first time since they met again to touch on that sensitive topic that everyone had tiptoed around yesterday, to not open any old wounds.
,,W-What? It's no-” ,,It is!” Changbin interrupted him and if the situation wasn't that muddled up, Jisung would've chuckled at the serious expression of the other. He still looked the same, when he used to scold Jisung whenever he was trying to overplay his emotions and bottle it up instead of letting Changbin help him.
,,I know...things were messy back then and you probably needed that space, just like the rest of us but you just disappeared Jisung! I woke up one day to 15 missed calls of Chan, who was about to go to the police to file a missing report because he suddenly found your apartment empty, without a single clue where you are” guilt crept it's way into his conscience and he remembered writing Chan a day later a single message that only contained the words 'I'm sorry' and that he was leaving Seoul. He had turned off his phone for several weeks and afterwards had minimized the contact to the others until there was none anymore.
,,Do you know how terrified I was? I was about to book a flight to korea and look for you because I thought-” he broke up, his eyes filling with tears at the words that seemed too hard to say out aloud ,,If something happened to you, I never could've gone on with my life. None us could have” Jisung felt his own tears, threathening to fall and he looked down on the stone path they had strolled down the past 30 minutes and he felt like, he would never be able to look up again.
,,I'm sorry for the way I left” he finally said and he heard the other exhale loudly as if he had hold his breath, waiting for his response ,,I was hurt...badly and I just woke up one day and realized I'll be suffocated to my death if I stay any longer in Seoul....and you guys were a reminder of everything” he paused, licking his lips nervously and finally lifting his head up again, to meet Changbins pained expression ,,I just needed a fresh start, you know. Away from everything that happened” ,,Gosh, I know” Changbin breathed out, sitting down on the bench that was only a few feet away from them and buried his face in his hands, before pushing out a stuffy breath ,,Things didn't end the way any of us wanted. After...after you two broke up, we shouldn't have stayed together for another year. We thought you two would get over it eventually and move on but somehow we all knew that it wasn't going to be that easy” ,,I don't mind that decision at all. I mean, it was still everyones dream and our rela.....we ruined it” ,,No, you didn't” Changbin answered truthfully ,,We were all exhausted. Being on stage was a feeling that no one would ever be able to understand, who hasn't experienced it themselve but that life also brough so many sacrifices for all of us. Believe me, it was somehow also freeing to finally have time to find out what other things than music there was in life that we enjoyed. Chan, who had spent all his teenage years, training had suddenly time to actually go out, spend nights out with friends and just have fun. Maybe if the thing between you two didn't happen, we would've stayed together but who knows, maybe we would've lived that life until we were sick of it” Jisung didn't know if Changbin really believed those words or if he was just trying to make the acceptance of dreams coming to an end easier. But he was right. That kind of life has made them all sacrifice not only time and friends but just as much their well being, physically and mentally. It was a part of his life that he wouldn't trade for nothing in the world because it had also let him experience things, most people would never get to experience but it also took just as much as it gave him.
,,Han, I get it. I really do but...shit-” he cursed lightly and he could see the olders lips quivering. He never liked to cry in front of anyone, just like Jisung ,,-I missed you...all of you”.
Jisung looked at the clock that hung above the panorama windows that allowed him to gaze over a river. It was 8 pm and he had just arrived at his house and let his heavy body fall onto the comfort of his couch. He ran a hand through his hair, before resting it on his forehead and sighing loudly. Changbins words were still vivid in his mind and after the producer had calmed down he had told him that if he doesn't hear from him, he would book a flight to korea and personally whoop his ass. Jisung had only laughed and told him that he wouldn't disappear again. It was a strange feeling. His heart felt so much lighter but at the same time, he felt as if the confrontation with things he had long decided to let stay a part of the past was making it hard to breath. He definitely had missed them all a lot more than he expected and he didn't just promise to stay in touch because the other wanted it. He wanted to know what they were up to too. Just as he was about to get up and shower before going to sleep, his phone vibrated, with an unknown number on the screen. For a moment he considered just ignoring it but he had no clue whose number had changed over the years, so he took the call, thinking it might be one of the others calling, a soft hello coming from him. However the line stayed silent and when he repeated the word a second time, he felt his body tensing and the grip around his phone tightened.
He didn't need to say anything. Jisung knew exactly who it was on the other line but they didn't dared to say anything as if that would mean, crossing a line that they shouldn't. They had crossed that line once and it ended in a disaster that took years to heal from. And just like that the phone went dead, the call got cut and Jisung just sat there, his hand falling to his side. Another vibration and a message, with simple three words appeared on his still lit up screen.
I miss you
Jisung never imagined that after all this years, he would find himself once again burying his face in his hands with heartbreaking sobs echoing through the empty house, he had build to keep it all away, just like he never imagined that 6 years later, he was still undeniable, deeply in love with Lee Minho.