Work Text:
5th march 2029
Bent over and out of breath, Jisung came to an stop and slid the hoodies cap back down, revealing his blonde hair, drenched in sweat and glued to his forehead. A instrumental version of a new song, he had created played through his earbuds, while the sun was slowly starting to rise, dyeing the cloudless sky in a beautiful mix of orange and red. He straightened his back and with one hand supporting his waist, he walked over to the bench at the river and plopped down. He ran a hand through his wet hair and rewinded the song, listening to it more attentively. He hadn't produced songs in years and he felt as if everybody could easily tell, listening to his newest projects, who all lacked in quite many ways. Jisung had always been a perfectionist, who was never truly satisfied with himself and his work, so it was to no suprise that when Changbin had asked him for help for a new track, he first had told him that he wouldn't be of help.
The flame of confidence he had when he was young and believed he could take on the whole world had long gone out and now after having years of doing nothing related to music, he felt even less confidence. Changbin on the other hand didn't let the matter go that fast and kept sending him track for track, asking for his opinion until Jisung had given in and told him he would take a look. Somehow it ended up with Changbin asking Jisung to create some tracks and send them to him and while the older offered to pay him Jisung had told him that it would be ridiculous and that he gladly helped him. In the end it was obvious from his buzzing success that Changbin didn't need those tracks nor Jisungs help and that he was simply trying to get his old friend that had abandoned his passion, together with everything else, back to it. Because no matter what, Changbin couldn't imagine Jisung seperated from music. It was as if this two belonged together like the sky did to the earth. And despite Jisungs struggle of getting himself back into music he couldn't deny that he had missed it much more than he thought.
He liked to say his love for music had began the moment he was born as his mother had always told him that the only thing that made him stop crying as an infant was music. No hugs, no soothing words. Only music. He felt as if it was destinied to be that way. His dream of becoming a singer started out as the simple enjoyment of music and childish imaginations of him standing on a stage, which had turned into a longing that became much more real when he was 14 years old and realized that music meant a lot more to him than he thought. His parents didn't liked the idea of him not continuing his studies and instead chase after a childish dream and it had taken quite some time to convince his father to at least let him try, resulting in a deal that if he doesn't succed, he will do as they wished and go back to malaysia and study. Much to his luck, it had only taken 3 months and he suddenly found himself being signed to one of the biggest agencies in Korea. Music had become his whole life and he spent almost the whole following decade in small studios, writing and producing songs that would later on become hits, together with his bandmates and best friends. After Stray Kids disbandment, he had simply stopped writing and after a year when he tried to for the first time again, he came to find out that his mind stayed blank no matter how hard he tried to think about words to write down. It was something similiar to a writers block, which was unusual for him, who had always a storm of thoughts inside his head that were waiting to be written down and after a frustrating month of torned paper and long nights he had decided to just give it up for the moment, only for it to be forgotten in the back of his head.
His phone vibrated and he looked at his screen that showed him 21 unread messages in the groupchat. Felix had created it and added them all into it, so that it was easier for everybody to be updated and stay in contact and quite suprisingly, everyone was very much involved. It seemed like everbody had missed each other a lot more than Jisung thought and it made him think that maybe he shouldn't have so easily let go of those friendships. After some time spent watching the sun rise, he got up from the bench and decided to walk the remaining way to his home, where he would probably keep on working on his songs until the sun would color the sky in shades of red and orange once more.
17th april 2029
Jisung had just put the last bag in his cars trunk and pushed the button for it to slowly close as his phone started ringing with Chans name appearing on the screen.
,,Hey, hyung. I just packed the car, will be there in around 6 hours“ he said, holding his phone between his head and shoulder and picked his coat and wallet up from the porch, where he had put it earlier and stepped inside his black Suv.
,,Could you maybe pick up Felix from the airport? Originally I planned to but Taelha hasn't been feeling well lately and I don't wanna leave her alone“ ,,Of course, she is fine tho right?“ ,,Yeah, yeah, don't worry“ ,,Alright, see you in a few hours“ ,,Drive safely“ he threw the phone on the empty passanger seat and started the engine, once again leaving his home to drive south, to Seoul, Seodaemun-gu. The past months his life had changed once again because of those 7 guys he had met, when he was only a teenager. Changbin had become an almost daily source of socialising and together they had agreed to stop smoking and instead work out again and while Jisung had kept 2 full months clean, he couldn't resist but buy a package upon knowing that meeting them all again meant meeting Minho again and the mere thought of that had made him crave the deadly stick.
He didn't liked to think about the message he had gotten a few months back and had left on read. It had thrown him out of his path for the following week, making him cancel appointments with Ms. Song as he wasn't ready to talk about his time in Seoul yet. He had fallen asleep that night on his couch, exhausted from the tears and woke up with a horrible headache the next day only to move to his luxury king sized bed and spent the next two days mostly sleeping to avoid confronting those feelings that after 6 years still didn't seemed to have gone away. At first he was angry at the older male for writing him those words suddenly but it was soon replaced with guilt of what Minho probably thought to be the reason for him to never have replied to that message. Did he thought that Jisung had moved on? That maybe he found someone new? It reminded him of the words Seungmin had told him, shortly before he had left Seoul back in 2028, when they all had met again after years of seperation.
,,He doesn't have anyone....he never did“
Why were those words like hands around his heart that squeezed it, hoping for him to crack? After they disbanded and Minho had left Seoul as fast as he could, it was a thought that had only given him sleepless nights and buckets full of tears. The thought of the former main dancer holding someone else in his arms had made him nauseous enough to almost completely avoid food for several weeks. Back then, he had believed those thoughts were only due to his anxious nature and that they both would stay together for the rest of their life. For the 20 year old boy it was as if there was no room for any discussion about it, as if they belonged together just like a fish belonged in the ocean.
4th august 2021
Nobody spoke on the way back to the dorm as they all had used up most of their energy. Their comeback was around the corner and those times were filled with a packed schedule and little to no time for rest. Chan was the only one who had stayed back at the company, still going over some things while the rest of them had collapsed into their seats as soon as they got into the cars. Jisung was at the back of the car, half closed eyes lazily watching the rain drops racing down the window. Those were parts of the Idol life he still had a hard time growing accustomed to, even though it's been quite some years. Staying up until the morning hours only to go back a couple hours later, if he was even lucky to get more than an hour of sleep. But he had decided to live that life and there was no way around those times if he wanted to keep on walking the same path his brothers did.
He felt a warm hand, slipping into his own and he turned his head lightly to find Minho with closed eyes right beside him. Jisung intertwined their hands and moved his head from the window to the olders shoulder, who carassed his hand with his fingers gently. Despite being one of the most busiest members this year, Minho had never failed to make sure that Jisung was alright and wasn't overworking himself too much and Jisung whished he could do more for the dancer but the life they lead didn't allow them to actually take off some of the others weight, so all he could do was snuggle close to Minho and hold his hand, showing him that he was there for him as well. It was undoubtly obvious that Jisung was craving some time with his hyung alone, be it just to watch a movie and simply enjoy the others presence without having to be cautious of peoples eyes. He didn't remember the last time, they both could just lay in bed together, stealing kisses from each other and talking about nothing and everything. Even though he knew Minho was a lot stronger than him and better at concealing his emotions, he knew he was exhausted as well and missed those fearless touches and relaxed talks about animes and movies. Suddenly Jisung didn't felt that tired anymore and looked at their intervined hands, carassing the back of Minhos hand. He didn't think he could ever grow tired of holding this hands that just a year ago he never would've imagined to actually be able to hold.
A secret that had bloosomed between the two that no one was aware of. They had all goofed around and teased them for behaving like a couple sometimes and the fans had come to love every little interaction between them but none of them had any clue that behind locked doors, they had become intimate in a way two friends never would. It wasn't that they were afraid of the others despising them for falling for the same gender, in fact they all had talked multiple times about finding guys just as attractive as girls and openly supported anything related to the lgbtq community. Minho and Jisung were simply afraid of their friends reaction to find out that they had started to date, living a life that could be destroyed if they were not careful for even a slight moment. It was the reason it had taken them both years to admit and confess those feelings because they both knew that they did not only endagered their groups dynamic when they had given in to their longings but also everybodys career and dreams. Was it selfish for them to chose each other? Probably but Minho had told him on more than one occasion that he would do it again and Jisung had to admit that after getting a taste of a life with Minho being his, he doubted he could ever go back to just being a bandmate and friend.
Before his thoughts could go any further, the car came to a stop and Minhos heavy eyelids opened slowly. Without letting go of Jisungs hand, they walked into the building, greeting the guard tiredly before taking the elevator to their floor. They all desperately needed to shower but other than Seungmin, no one felt like they would actually get through a shower without falling asleep standing. Jisung was trying his best to stay awake as he listened to the faint sounds of Seungmin showering and after what felt like a decade, he heard the water stop and shortly after a door being closed and another one being opened. He took a glance at Jeongins bed, where the younger was already in a deep sleep and took out his phone to message Minho a thumb up.
Shortly after Jisung felt himself drifting off to sleep but got woken by a body gently laying down beside him. His bed was small and didn't offer much space but they didn't mind it, snuggling up closer than they even needed to. Minhos hand was gently stroking his head, while the other closed the curtain around Jisungs bed and the younger couldn't help but let out a satisfied sigh. It's been some time since they had last secretly sneaked into the others room after everyone was asleep to spend a few hours in each others arm, because their schedule left them too tired to stay up long enough for everyone else to be asleep but both had felt the need to catch up the lost time, even if it was only for an hour or two before Minhos alarm would go off and he would sneak back into his room before anyone else woke up or Chan would come back from the studio. It was exhausting to not only have to be careful outside the dorm but inside and they both had considered telling the others quite a few times but the fear of the happy bubble they lived inside for those few hours popping had stopped them until now.
They didn't say a word as they laid there with no space between them but neither would had wanted it any other way. They never had the need for many words as the presence of the other was simply comforting enough. With one last simple but love filled kiss the two fell asleep, holding each other closely.
-
Jisung parked the car outside a gas station and took a sip from the steaming hot coffee. It would only take another hour and he would arrive at Incheon airport but the break was desperately needed as his neck was feeling stiff from holding the same position for hours. He breathed in the fresh air and leaned against his suv. Ms. Song had been suprisingly supportive of his desicion to resume contact to his old friends again and had told Jisung that he seemed to have been feeling a lot better lately, which he realized himself only after she had said it. She was right, Changbins daily messages about life in New York and his dog Tangu always let a smile sneak on his lips and Felixs selfies with the funniest expression could make him laugh more times than not. All in all, he was happy to be a part of his friends life again. Of course Ms. Song hadn't spared him from talking about Minho, asking him how the meeting between them went. He had tried to stay collected, told her about the conversation they had and only after two more appointments did he actually told her about the message and depressive state he went into after. She had told him that it was never easy to be confronted with feelings that seemed to be quite strong as they had survived 5 years of no contact and asked what he intended to do now to which he had only responded with an confused expression. There was nothing to do nor to think about.
After another hour driving, he had picked up Felix and drove to Chans home. Different from last time, he would stay at Chans house for the week he had agreed to stay. Chans wedding was in 6 days but the former leader had convinced him to come a few days earlier, so that they all could spent some more time together. Seungmin however would only come in 4 days and Changbin on the day of the wedding as their schedule didn't allow them to take off a whole week but as far as he knew, everyone else agreed to stay the week in Seoul. Minho had kindly declined the offer of Chan inviting him to stay in his other guest room and decided to find a hotel, only a 5 minute drive away from the olders home and Jisung couldn't be more relieved. Being in the same house, with only two doors seperating them from each other wasn't something he was sure he could handle. After the aftermath of the olders message had started to fade, Jisung had found himself unable to hide behind his He's-28-years-old-and-mature attitude any longer and had to admit that his feelings for the dancer seemed a lot more persistant than he wished to but it wasn't like it would change anything. He was sure one day they would become less until they were only a memory of the past. At least he held onto that hope for dear life.
After saying hello to Chan and Taelha, Felix and him brought their luggage to the guest rooms on the second floor and while the australian decided to sleep a little for the jetlag to wear off, Chan had made two cups hot coffee and took a seat at the big glass table in his garden.
,,Crazy how time flies, huh?“ Chan said with a big grin on his face and looked at the first arrangments that had already been made to turn the big garden into a aisle worth for a wedding ,,I can't believe I'm going to actually marry and become a father, especially with someone like Taelha“ ,,She seems like a sweet person“ Jisung commented and he meant it ,,You have no clue, how much“ Chan giggled lightly and took a sip from his coffee, a smile that had made Jisung feel happy for his friend but also feel a slight sting inside his chest. Somehow all his friends had moved on with their lifes, even though Hyunjin had casually told them a month ago that he and Minha had broken up but he didn't seem to want to share any more details and no one pestered him, at least not in the group chat. He was happy, for all of his friends but he couldn't help but feel a tiny bit of envy that they could easily fall in love with someone and not keep being stuck in the past that held onto them. Memories of all those whispered promises and love declarations. When he came back to reality, he found Chan looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face
,,What about you?“ he asked hesitantly and scanned his friends face for any sign that he was crossing a line that Jisung didn't want him to cross but instead of a forced laugh and words like that he was currently busy with writing songs, etc. the former rapper and singer wore such a heartbreaking smile that Chan was having a hard time, holding the eye contact without feeling like he was going to crack under the weight of that expression
,,Never thought abou that much to be honest“ he answered truthfully and leaned back into the chair with a soft sigh as if he was trying to convince himself that it was the only reason
,,When I moved to Jinhae-gu I...wasn't in my best state“ he shifted uncomfortably at the reminder of the first three years after the disbandment but continued nontheless ,,I had a lot of stuff to work on and I had to learn to take care of myself properly first before I would even consider sharing my life with anyone“ ,,So you're still going to therapy?“ Jisung nod and took another sip from the hot coffee. Chan wasn't the only one who remembered the troubled boy Jisung had always been and the many problems he had to tackle, without barely even having enough time to rest between shows, studios and preparations. His disorders had gotten worse to a point that Jisung had actually needed to withdraw from some group activities and was forced to go to therapy in the meantime. While the boy himself wasn't very keen on sharing his feelings, they all couldn't deny that they felt relieved, knowing that the rapper got a bit of help as the worsening mood and panic attacks had become much more frequent and long lasting, making them all worry.
,,That's good. I actually did too until last year“ ,,Really?“ ,,Yeah, definitely was a good decision“
Chan and Jisung continued talking about a lot of things, jumping from one topic to the other until Felix woke up from his sleep and joined them outside.
When Jisung woke up the next morning, babble of voices coming from downstairs and a nostalgic smile crept onto his face. He quickly brushed his teeth, washed his face and changed into a grey hoodie and black jeans before taking the big stairway down to the first floor, where everyone had gathered on the living rooms couch, laughing out loud about a joke Felix had just made. Of course the first person he noticed was none other than Lee Minho, whose gaze found his just as fast and their eyes lingered on each other for a frozen moment. In his mind he saw that message again, those three words that Minho had build up the courage to write months ago after they had seen each other for the very first time since their group had come to an end. Jisung broke the eye contact when Chan called out his name and entered the living room, earning a overwhelming hug from Felix. He had changed quite a lot but it was heartwarming to see that after all those years, Felix had still kept parts of his bubbly personality that used to be the source for many laughter and was still as loveable as when he first met the shy boy at the young age of 17.
Hyunjin had also given him an bonebreaking hug and told him how much he had miss him a lot, which only made Jisung chuckle and tell him that it's been only a month since they saw each other. One day it had just ringed at the front door and Hyunjin had stood there, grinning brightly. Because of a painting he was supposed to draw for a client, he was close to Jinhae-gu and wanted to visit Jisung for the day but in the end, he stayed for 5 days. It had drawn a smile on his face and still does when he thinks about how it felt having one of them that close again in his life. It reminded him of the time they all had lived together, seeing each other everyday. It was funny because they had times where they were sick of each other, constantly being faced with the others habits and personalities without much chance of peace as they even shared rooms for quite a few years. But everytime they had time alone, they all just missed each other. Jisung had felt exactly that way when Hyunjin left.
He excused himself to the kitchen to get some coffee and while he was opening and closing drawers to find, where they stored the cups, a soft voice came from behind him
,,The second, on the left“ with his hands still at the drawers handles, Jisung turned his head and was met with the beautiful sight of the men, who didn't seem to have aged at all. He forced his gaze away from him and walked to the drawer Minho had pointed at and took one of the perfectly arranged white cups and thanked Minho with a slight nervous smile. He felt the olders eyes follow him to the coffee machine and back to the kitchen island, that had been placed in the middle of the room but Jisung pretended to be fully occupied with making sure, he didn't spill any of the liquid onto the expensive marble surface.
,,Chan told me you're back to making music“ Jisung lifted his head and looked at other, who had a rather composed look but he always knew that Minho wasn't one to show his vunerable side easy
,,He ah, just told me that you didn't make music the past years and that Changbin kind of talked you into it but eh yeah“ ,,Yeah, right“ said Jisung and played with the handle of his coffee, unsure of how keep up a conversation without feeling as tensed as he did ,,Kinda stopped for a little while but then I never picked it up again, dunno why“ ,,You used to be so in love with making music. Hard to imagine you without it“ ,,What about you?“ asked Jisung to turn the attention from him away as he didn't wanted to be reminded of the fact that he had turned his back on everything that had made him happy ,,Are you still dancing?“ the dark haired boys eyes lit up at the question and Jisung wasn't sure if it was because they were talking about dancing or because Jisung had finally shown interest in his current life ,,Of course. I'm actually a dance teacher in Ulsan. Opened a small studio there“ ,,Really? That's awesome“ ,,Yeah but it's nothing big. I just wanted to continue dancing and it's actually a lot more fun to teach little kids than I expected“
he continued telling him about all sorts of classes he gives and Jisung couldn't help but feel warm inside his chest as Minhos eyes stilled glowed with that passion he always had for dance and the way his usually calm and collected voice had those little moments, where emotions swept over it and could be heard in his laugh or the way the pitch of his voice raised just a tiny bit. Standing in front of him like this made Jisung feel all sorts of emotion but one was visibly stronger than the others. Regret. Regret that there were almost 6 years of Minhos life he had no clue about. 6 years he had spent without him and it made him wonder how Minho had spent the time. Was he just as heartbroken as he was? Was he unable to fall asleep because he missed his arms around him, like him? Was he unable to eat his favorite gummies because it would always remind him of how they had spent time, watching movies and talking about everything and nothing, like him?
As one sided hoped for it, another one wished that he was spared from those horrible feelings that held Jisung in a neck hold for years. Before the olders message could get his attention back, he focused on Minho, who was leaning against the kitchen counter on the opposite of him.
,,He is a really sweet kid and talented, so I actually teach him without getting paid. It's not like I'm that desperate for money“ he laughed softly and Jisung took the last sip from his coffee before he put the cup into the sink ,,Sounds like you're really happy with the way things are going“ he didn't intend to sound bitter at all because he was truly happy that Minho seemed at peace with his own life but he couldn't help but feel a little pathetic for still being hung up on the past.
,,Yeah“ he said with a soft smile and an expression Jisung couldn't read and before he could respond, Chan came into the kitchen, who didn't seem to have known that they had been in here together. His eyes widen noticeably and he was about to turn around and go back but decided against it because it would've made things more awkward. He tried to hide his tension behind a smile but Jisung and Minho had always been aware of the nervous eye contact they all exchanged whenever they would met.
12th august 2022
Heavy breathing filled the silence inside the room that just a second ago was filled with moving bodies and loud music. As part of the choreo, everyone fell down at the end and decided to just enjoy the coolness of the ground. They were all exhausted from the constant training for the comeback that was around the corner. Jisung pushed his upper body up and leaned against the mirror wall, his breath slowly evening out as sweat run down his face. Things had become so much different the past months and it had been enough for not only the people around them to notice but their fans too. They all had read countless posts on the internet, saying that something feels suddenly off about them. Jisung had read people explain it as a loose of chemistry. He wasn't sure it were the right words but there was no doubt they had changed a lot. Chan and Changbin had tried their best to keep them together but the constant fighting that had become a daily thing after Jisung and Minho had broken up had drifted them all apart. It had all started out with simple fights because they were all stressed but the already tensed atmosphere had caused those fights to jump out of proportion, almost making Chan having to keep Hyunjin and Seungmin from fighting physically. Jisung wanted to feel guilty and tell them all how sorry he was for having made their family like this but inbetween all that chaos, he felt nothing. It was that way since everything had crumbled down right in front of him. Like he was sitting behind glass, watching without being present himself. The last 4 months had been the most exhausting ones of his life while at the same time, he felt as if he had only watched himself suffer and cry. Simply as if he was watching a movie.
A phone broke through the silence and Minho pushed his heavy body up and searched through his coats pocket to find his phone. Without saying anything, he went outside the room and when Jisung stood up and walked up to the door, Chans agitated voice stopped him
,,Where are you going?“ ,,Bathroom?“ Jisung said strained, too exhausted from the practice to actually react to his leaders constant interrogations, whenever Minho and him were about to be alone. The older only nod hesitantly and turned back but Jisung could feel their eyes on him as he left the room. He splashed ice cold water onto his face over and over again and while he felt his skin burn at the sensation, he felt strangely numb. He lifted his head and looked at his worn out reflection. Heavy bags under his eyes and chapped lips from where he had been tearing up skin until he drew blood. He was trying his best to ignore that voice in the back of his head that was like a never ending loop of the same words. Repeating them over and over until Jisung would acknowledge those and accept the reality that had been created the past months. He shook those thoughts away with the next splash of water and straighten his back, facing his reflection with confidence, he was desperately trying to convince himself of possessing. A shaky smile took its place on his lips and even though it felt strange, like it was someone elses smile that had been placed on a mouth it didn't belong to, he did not let himself get irritaded at it and walked out of the bathroom, down the hallway and when he pushed the handle down and was about to open the door, he stopped at the unusual upset voice of Felix
,,Can we please stop discussing about this?“ the australian boy pleaded and shortly after Hyunjins voice followed, with a much stronger and angry tone
,,How can we if the topic always comes back? I get you Chan-hyung, I really do but you can't keep an eye on them all the time!“ Hyunjin sighed frustrated but before he could say any more, Changbin jumped to Chans defense ,,Yah! This isn't his fault! He is trying his best to keep the situation under control“ ,,Control?“ a scoff came out of Hyunjins mouth and he shook his head ,,Where is anything under control? Look at us, I feel like we've been fighting and arguing with each other almost all the time. We can't leave Jisung and Minho alone, Fans been picking up on it, leaving comments of asking if something happened between us, even wondering if we will disband!“ the room stayed silent for a moment until Seungmin spoke up with an frustrated scoff ,,What are we supposed to do? Huh? Nobody saw this coming, alright? All we can do is make sure that we stay professionel in front of the camera, so our fans can still enjoy our music and content!“ ,,So what? You think we should just let it continue like this? We need to talk this out, with Minho and Jisung“ ,,I don't think that's a good idea“ Changbin spoke up, raising up from the ground to face Hyunjin, giving Seungmin a stern expression as a way for him to not talk back, knowing the disagreement between those two boys had been the cause of many fights.
,,Things will calm down soon, they both...just need some more time and then things will get back to the way they were“ ,,Do you even believe your own words, hyung?“ Seungmin spoke up this time and the strong expression on the olders face, that usually made him shut his mouth, didn't seem to do so this time ,,More time? It's been almost 4 months since everything happened and even though they try really hard in front of us and the camera, we all can see that they can barely stand being in the same room! Things won't go back to the way they were. It can't because they crossed lines that can't be uncrossed“ Jisung heard enough, all he could do was let go of the handle and let his forehead fall against the wall, with a loud thud but the throbbing pain was nothing compared to the pain he felt inside. Everything was messed up to a point, where he felt that he could do absolutely nothing to fix it. For the first time in month, he felt tears welling up but he couldn't allow himself to cry because he was afraid if he does, he will never be able to stop. He knew it, he knew that voice inside his head was right, just like Seungmin was right. They can't fix this and a gut wrenching feeling spread through his body, one that made him feel nauseous at the mere thought of it. But he could no longer run away from what he had known the moment everything had started to crumble. Things will never be the same and in the end, all he could do watch helplessly how his family falls apart and all because he had given in to those tempting and going against all rationality, feelings that left him with nothing but guilt and a broken heart.
Jisung took another drag of a cigarette and let the smoke go up in a twirl, following its path with his eyes. He had been unable to fall asleep at all last night after hours of restless tossing and turning, he had given up on trying to at least get a little sleep and went out to the garden to get some fresh air. He felt bad about breaking his promise with Changbin but he already knew it would come to this as soon as he had decided to buy the pack of cigarettes, maybe even the moment he thought about buying some. He wished things wouldn't have ended so messily. After trying for almost a year to overcome all this hardships, they had parted ways with disagreements and fights, leaving no room for proper apologies and goodbyes. It was something he regretted the most but he knew, at that time he was nowhere near ready to hear them out nor open up to them. Walls had build up between them over time and nobody felt secure enough to take the first step. Jisung knew that the break up between Minho and him wasn't the only cause for the disbandment. They all had been tired, mentally more than physically from private situation as well as from the fast paced life of Idols. At some point the enjoyment of standing on a stage and hearing all those cheers didn't surpass the constant exhaustion and aching bodies anymore. But this time, they didn't had each other to rely on, so after trying so hard to pretend everything was fine, Chan had broken the silent agreement of ignorance and threw out the suggestion of them maybe needing some space, from this lifestyle and from each other. Up until this day, he still remembered how his heart had suddenly dropped onto the floor, while his head had already known that sooner or later, it will come to this. Now he was sure, the others felt the same way even though at that time no one felt ready to admit it.
Jisung was trying his best to stay composed and get himself back to his rational-self that would've been by far better at handling the unavoidable contact between him and his old friend. He could hear himself scoff inside his head, mocking him for being such a coward that he was calling Minho just a friend. He had pondered about where it all went wrong until his head felt like it would explode any second if he wouldn't give it some rest but no matter how much he thought about it, he had never found an answer. He had no idea when those feelings for his bandmate had started to become something that was deeper than friendship and brotherhood and it was simply because around the other, he felt comfortable. He never felt those so-called emotions others claimed to have, when they were around their crush. His heartbeat didn't quicken nor was he restless or nervous. It had been more of the opposite actually. In the olders presence, he always felt like he was wrapped inside a warm cloud, that made him forget the uncertainty and burdens of life, even if it was just for a moment. He was simply a safe place for him. Maybe it all had started the moment his eyes had first catched the dancers figure at the 5th floor, inside the companies building and maybe they both had been much more aware of that little flame of forbidden attraction than they had admitted. Jisung took another drag from the stick and concentrated on the way it filled his lungs, to keep himself from thinking about useless things.
The next days went by, being mostly spent talking and eating and even though there were many unspoken things that hung in the air, Jisung had never felt better. He had forgotten how much fun it always had been when they all were together and as he watched his friends bright smiles and loud laughs, for the first time in years, he felt at peace. Chan and Taelhas wedding was the day after tomorrow and ouf of the blue, Felix had mentioned that they didn't had a bachelor party and demanded for one, saying that Chan would, hopefully, only marry once and therefore never get another chance to have one and the older had given in to Felixs pleads. So Taelha had offered to go to her friends house to give Chan some more time with his friends and everyone had helped Felix buy all sorts of booze and junk food that was enough to fed 20 people. Jisung and Minho had only spoken a few times and even though Jisung tried to pretend those feelings away, he couldn't help but feel relieved at not needing to wonder what the others was up to anymore and if he was doing good. Minho had updated them all about his current life, going into such detail that Jisung wondered if the older could read the curiosity on his face and do him the favor of leaving nothing out. Jisung was happy that Minho had never given up on his love for dance and had become a very much liked dance teacher in Ulsan, where he had bought a house, a month after he left Seoul and he ignored the glance the older gave him when he mentioned that he had been too busy to really get to know people outside of his work. Now they were all seated around the big table in the garden, while Chan and Hyunjin were taking care of the leftover meat.
Seungmin who had arrived earlier this day had spent the majority of time, playing games with Jeongin who seemed to have been blessed with luck and ended up drinking enough to need Hyunjin and Felixs help to get onto the couch, where he had fallen asleep half an hour ago. Except him everyone was still sober enough to have proper conversations but drunk enough to make everything more funnier than it actually was and Jisung was no exception. He had drank a couple of shots and a few beers but he felt its effect quite strong as his cheeks were burning and his vision slightly less concentrated. Nonetheless he was laughing out loud at Chans embarassing story about how he jumped over his neighbors fence drunk, thinking it was his and had almost crawled into the dogs house to sleep. But he was thrown out of that relaxed state when someone sat down beside him and he turned his head a little, seeing the dancer laughing out loud at something Hyunjin just told him. His body tensed as Minhos shoulder brushed against his and he had expected the older to move away but he wasn't even sure Minho realized who he sat down beside as he kept his shoulder slightly pressed against his. Jisung tried his best to concentrate on the story Jeongin was currently telling him and while he did feel himself relaxing a little again, his attention never left the contact. He was drunk enough to not think about it too much and felt himself lean into the touch, just ever so slightly.
,,I don't think thats possible“ Jisung spoke, one hand covering his mouth as he laughed. A habit he had been used to almost his whole life. He had never liked his laugh very much and most people would expect him to not care about those kind of things but he did and around middle school, he had unconsciously started hiding his smile behind his hand.
,,It is! I swear, the dog was seriously riding on a skateboard and he was really good at it“ Felix emphasised the word really and Jisungs laugh turned into a light chuckle, his hand falling to his right, resting on the bench, he was seated on. Minhos shoulder was still pressed against his for the past hour and as he wasn't sure at the start the older knew, he was sure about it now, because just like him, Minho had stayed frozen in place, the only movement from his shoulder being the casual shaking from his laugh. Jisung looked down at his hand that was only a few inches away from the older ones and he felt himself biting onto his bottom lip, a dangerous thought slipping into his, from the booze, drowsy mind. He looked back up, nodding at Felix to make the other believe he was listenting, while his attention was completely on his restless hand and fast beating heart. It was the alcohol. Jisung was sure of that and he knew as soon as he would wake up tomorrow, he would feel stupid behaving like a 15 year old teenager, who had his first crush but he didn't care at the moment. There was a sudden confidence in him and before he knew it himself, his hand had closed the little distance between them and his pinky finger pressed against Minhos, who Jisung felt becoming slightly stiff beside him. A short moment of rationality overcame him and he felt the fear of having made the other uncomfortable but as he was about to take his hand away, he felt the other gently pressing his finger against his for a moment, like a way of confirmation that he didn't only not mind the touch but also wanted it.
They stayed like that until Minho had suddenly stood up and excused himself to the bathroom and Jisung caught himself, watching him disappear into the house. After some time had passed and he had emptied the second glass of water, Chan had forced him to drink because he obviously had enough alcohol, he realized that Minho still wasn't back. He knew Minho had drank his fair share of alcohol and the worry that he might have collapsed or hurt himself made Jisung sneak away from the conversation and walk into the house. He chuckled at Seungmin, who was totally knocked out on the couch, snoring and drowling and walked past him, to the bathroom.
,,Minho?“ he called out hesitantly and knocked against the door but no sound came from the other side and when he pushed down the handle, the door opened and revealed an empty bathroom. Confused he walked to the kitchen but was only met with a mess of plates and left over food, that Chan and Hyunjin had carried inside after they were done eating and just as he was about to walk upstairs, where two more bathrooms could be found, he noticed a thin figure outside, back facing him and sitting on the stairs of the porch. He walked up to the front door and opened it, startling the older, who turned around in suprise but gently smiled when he catched Jisungs eyes. Even though he was smiling, Jisung could see the way his lips slightly shook and an expression laid upon his eyes, that Jisung couldn't quite figure out but made his heart ache a little.
,,I eh just wanted to see if you're okay“ Jisung began nervously as silence stretched out between them and fidgeted with his hands, not knowing where to put them or what to do ,,I don't wanna annoy you, if you wanna be alone-“ ,,No, no. You don't“ Minho quickly said, a gentle but uncertain smile on his plumb lips.
,,I guess I just drank a little too much. Needed to sober up a little“ he laughed lightly and watched Jisung as he walked up to him and took a seat right next to him on the stairs
,,Yeah, me too. Chan already made me drink water“ they both laughed out lightly, teasing Chan for still having a father-like attitude towards them
,,He seems really happy with everyone being here“ ,,He really does“ Jisung replied, a soft smile around his lips as he felt the warmth of having his friends and brothers back again
,,I'm happy too“ Minho said and Jisungs head turned to his. It was a vague statement but maybe it was the tone of his voice that made Jisung feel all fuzzy inside at the thought that Minho wasn't just talking about everyone.
,,Me too“ Jisung dared to say even though he felt a slight alarm inside his head, something that was telling him to better get back to the others before he would do or say anything stupid but before he could even muster up the strength to do so, Minho spoke again
,,Why....didn't you reply to my message?“ Jisungs heart skipped a beat and he felt himself freeze, feeling as if something was twisting the organs inside his stomach for a moment. Minho only gave him a short side glance and turned his gaze back to the ground, as if something really interesting could be found there ,,What message?“ Jisung said, knowing very well that acting clueless right now was the most stupid thing he could've done because it was clear what message Minho was talking about but the alcohol seemed to wear off slowly and there was no way, he was ready to talk about this.
,,I think I better go back in, the others are probably already wondering where I am“ he said, trying to sound as casual as possible and when he was about to stand up, Minho grabbed his wrist, making him snap his head in his direction. The older tried to hide it but he could see the fear in his eyes, the fear of overstepping lines but there was an equal amount of confidence that seemed to have overtaken the lead for a short moment. Minho nor Jisung avoided the eye contact and it felt like they were both searching for something in the others eyes, something familiar, something to hold onto.
,,Is it because....there is someone else?“ Minho spoke out loud and his eyes were flood with such an amount of pain that Jisung felt his throat closing up, stealing his ability to breath. It was something he had hated since he got to know the dancer. His beautiful eyes that always seemed to be laced with a film of sadness, no matter how much he was laughing or smiling. He always felt like Minho wasn't even aware of it himself but Jisung wanted to do everything for that sadness to leave and it broke his heart even more to know that, right now, he was part of the cause for that sadness.
,,I know I have no right to ask or anything“ there was more he wanted to say but he bit his tongue in fear of overwhelming the younger, who was still looking at him with his big round eyes, filled with an storm of emotions that Minho couldn't figure out what he was thinking.
,,I don't think this is the right time“ Jisung had finally managed to squeeze out and freed his hand from Minhos grip, who had no courage to hold onto him
,,I'm still stuck“ Minho suddenly said, making Jisung stop on his tracks once again. The older pulled his legs a little closer and buried his face in his arms, the alcohol making him numb to his cold feets
,,I'm still stuck there“ he repeated, his voice strained from the effort to keep himself together. He didn't wanted to cry right now but the booze and the whirl of emotions inside him was making him grow weak
,,I tried so hard to move on, you know. After we disbanded and everyone broke apart all I wanted was to disappear from Seoul, the others....this planet“ Minho paused and inhaled overwhelmed and lifted his head, starring into the dark night, too afraid to face the younger.
,,Losing Stray Kids....losing you....I felt like my whole world just got taken away from me and I thought, I hoped that after time this pain would just go away....but it didn't“ the last part was nothing more than a breathy whisper but Jisung heard it and he felt the burning sensation of tears welling up, knowing that just like him, Minho was still in pain.
,,I know I never said it but...you guys were my life. Before I met you all, I was just lost. I didn't know how it felt to be hugged warmly or how to show someone you like and appreciate them but you teached me those things....but suddenly I was back to where I had started. Without the guys...without you“ he finally raised his head and looked at Jisung, who was frozen in his position, a single tear escaping his eyes and out of instinct, Minho stood up from the ground and wiped the tear away. His hand stayed on Jisungs cheek, who was just staring at him with wide and sorrow filled eyes.
,,Jisung-ah“ it was like a spell as he spoke out his name for the first time in almost 6 years and every ounce of rationality got swaped away from the warm feeling inside his chest, upon hearing the dancers gentle voice calling him ,,Please, tell me the truth“ he begged and Jisung closed his eyes, causing another tear to roll down and he took a shaky breath. He didn't know what to do, he was confused and scared and there were so many question inside his head. Questions he had not answer to and his body had no intention of gaining back control and remove the olders hand from his face. Jisung wasn't even sure if he really wanted that.
,,You still love me, don't you?“ and just like that, Minho spoke out the most forbidden words and crossed every line that Jisung had drawn to protect himself. It felt unreal. This whole situation. His old bandmate, who became his best friend lover and then a stranger once again, standing in front of him with so much desperation in his eyes that it was breaking him. How did this all happen? Where did it all go wrong, to end up like this?
3rd may 2022
If eyes could burn holes into objects, Jisung was sure the floor would've long opened up. His hands, clenched in the fabric of his jeans and his head lowered, he had been starring at the same spot the past 5 minutes. It felt unreal. This whole situation, like he was in a dream, not fully awake but not deep asleep either. A nightmare. This wasn't supposed to happen at all, not like this. But no matter how much he shook his head and denied it, the reality couldn't be changed. He felt Minho shifting beside him but no muscle dared to turn to him and look into his eyes. Jisung was still in disbelief upon this situation.
They both had been forced awake by their managers, who didn't say anything expect to follow them to the car and drove them to the company. Anxious with an feeling of premonition they both had looked at each other as they were ordered onto the higest floor of the JYP building. Jisungs eyes found the phone once again, laying on top of the desk turned to them to show them something that was never supposed to be seen by anyone. Tears welled up inside his eyes as he looked at the paused video, that was showing him, pressed against the mirror, his legs tucked around Minhos waist, while they were involved in a passionate kiss. A moment of love that was meant to only be witnessed betweem themselves and no one else. But here it was, laid out in front of Park Jinyoung and their managers, all having seen the private moment, shared between the two idols. He had expected for Park Jinyoung to termine their contract in a fit of rage but instead he had calmy given them two options. To break up immediately or leave the company, risking to ruin their friends dreams and careers. Jisung was very well aware of the fact that it wasn't out of kidness but simply because Stray Kids had become so-called kings of the new generation of Kpop and losing two members was a danger to the amount of profit, the group brought for the company.
Soon the other members would be ordered to the company as well and they all would find out that their fears had come true. Jisung remembered vividly the warning words of Chan after Minho and he had decided to tell the rest of the group the truth. It had first caused a conflict, leading to awkward and usure gazes and meetings inside the dorm and company but after some time, everyone had come to accept their relationship, even though it was a threat to everyones career.
''You chose each other, I hope you know the responsibility you two have now“
He had promised him over and over again that they would be careful and at some point, their relationship had become a part of everyones life, that they were even comfortable enough to make jokes about it, in front of the fans and cameras. But Jisung knew there was a big difference between a joke, that could easily pass as just fanservice and a video that shows a scene, that wouldn't happen between friends.
It was a video from the last weekend, where Minho and he had stayed 'til 4 am in the dance studio, practicing several moves Jisung continued to forget or confuse with another. At some point they had taken a short water break and Jisung had sneaked his hands around the dancers waist and placed a genle kiss on his shoulder
,,Can't we just go home now?“ he whined and the older playfully rolled his eyes, turning around still caught between the youngers arms and whipped away the sweat that was threathing to drop into Jisungs eye ,,It's 3:30 now, I'm tired“ Minho pushed a strain of hair out of Jisungs face and let his eyes wander down to his slightly swollen lips ,,Alright but only because you're a good student“
What they both failed to notice was that, while they were fully immersed in their own world, the door of the studio had been opened slightly by a young trainee, whose eyes grew wide at the scene in front of him and had taken out his phone, recording the private moment. Much to their luck, Kwangsoo, one of their managers had caught him red handed and confiscated the phone with a pale face when he saw what the boy had filmed.
Jisung wanted to disappear. Grab Minhos hand and run out of this room, away from all those judging eyes and the disappointed and scared expressions their friends would make, once they will find out about this.
Jisung continued staring at the older, trying his best to hold in the tears that were fighting to be set free.
,,Minho“ he managed to squeeze out without breaking down and tried to take a step backwards but the dancer didn't inted to let him as he placed his second hand onto the other side of his face, his mocha eyes nervously trying to find something in Jisungs eyes, that assured him, what he was doing wasn't wrong.
,,This isn't a good idea“ Jisung whispered and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to gather himself and end this nerve wrecking situation
,,I'm gonna kiss you in 5 seconds“ he suddenly annouced, making the rappers eyes snap back open and stare at him in shock but nothing but determenation was found in the olders eyes and Jisungs heartbeat quickened and every thought inside his head was telling him to immediately step back and leave
,,One...“ this situation was ridicioulos
,,Two...“ he knew he should step back
,,Three...“ so he couldn't understand himself, when he suddenly closed the distance between them and crashed their lips together before Minho could count to four.