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It felt like the world had stopped for a moment. All thoughts and motions had vanished and a warmth spread through every corner inside Jisungs body, strong enough to melt away all the ice that had seemed to have frozen him in time. For a moment there was no doubt as his chapped lips touched the olders soft ones that this was right. How could a feeling like that ever be wrong?
Neither of them moved as the seconds went by as if both didn't wanted the moment to end and face the cruel world around them that had separated them. Without a single word spoken, they broke the kiss, their foreheads leaning against each other as Minho let out a heavy breath. Jisung slowly opened his eyes but before he could even comprehend one thought, Minho pulled him even closer and crashed their lips together again. This time however the kiss was strong and after a few tormenting seconds Jisung responded to the kiss, his hand finding its way into Minhos hair as he pushed their faces closer, all insecurity gone and replaced by nothing but desperation for the older to hold him close. All rationality had lost the fight and Jisung couldn't think about anything but Minho. The way his hair smelled like shampoo and the bitter taste of alchol on his lips. In a matter of seconds, he found himself pressed against the wall while Minho intertwinded their fingers for a moment, only to let his hands wander around Jisungs body shortly after, from his waist to his chest, up his neck as if he was trying to memorize every part of him and Jisung tasted the saltiness of tears between their kisses but he was too focused on pressing the older against him to know who they belonged to.
All he wanted at that moment was for Minho to never stop kissing him, hold him and never let go. The feeling inside his chest was unbearable, crushing him and making him hold tight onto the other, as if he was trying to melt them into one, as if no matter how close he holds him it could never be close enough. It was a feeling of desperation that Jisung had never thought a person could be able to feel and it was taking his breath away, filling him up with warmth and pain at the same time, because even though he was fully immersed in the kiss, a part of him was still aware of the fact that this moment would come to an end and there was nothing he could do about it, except giving everything he had to Minho in this very moment.
A bark suddenly broke through the thick atmosphere of heavy breaths and suppressed moans and Minho broke the contact, leaving Jisung chasing after the touch. He looked into the youngers eyes and when he was met with an expression of yearning and desperation, all he could do was grab his hand and walk back into the house, past the living room where Seungmin was still deeply asleep, to the stairs that let them onto the second floor
,,Which one is yours?“ Minho breathed out and Jisung pointed at the second door and wasted no time as the door closed behind them and attacked the olders lips hungrily. A sense of uncertainty had suddenly risen inside him as Minho had gently pushed him onto the bed and crawled on top of him, intangling him in another deep kiss but he didn't wanted to think about it and it was forgotten the moment, he felt the dancers tongue, asking for permission he gladly gave. His whole body felt on fire with every single touch of Minhos cold hands and he could feel his lower body, pressing against the older who let out a suprised moan. Minho left his lips and moved down to his neck, leaving a trace of kisses on his shoulder and Jisung grabbed onto the fabric of his black hoodie, his hands turning into fists as a wave of heat threatened to set his body on fire. He couldn't remember the last time he felt like this, awake and alive and suddenly he wanted nothing more than the hoodie to be gone. His hands were about to find their way inside the material but a sudden knock on the door had frozen them both in place.
,,Jisung? You alright?“ It was Chans voice and even though his voice was calm and warm, it was like someone had emptied a bucket of cold water on top of them and suddenly he could hear the music outside again and the racing of his heart.
,,I-I'm fine“ he stuttered, trying to sound as casual as possible but his voice betrayed him as it broke at the end. It stayed silent for a moment and Jisung felt the fear inside of him rising, terrified at the possibility of Chan walking into his room and seeing them both together like this and when he heard the other telling him to call him if something is wrong and walk back downstairs, he let out a breath he didn't noticed he was holding in. His eyes found those of the dancers and it seemed like he had also come back to reality, all lust vanishing and a sorrow filled expression upon his face that Jisung had to turn his head away before he would crack. As the room fell into a silence that was unbearable, Minhos eyes widen when suddenly Jisungs body started shaking and he tried to look at the younger, who turned his head as much as he could, to avoid facing him.
,,Jisung-ah“ he called out gently and Jisung squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, before he gathered all his courage and turned his head, facing Minho who was still on top of him ,,Don't“ he whispered, tears falling onto the pillow underneath him and his bottom lip quivering from the attempt to keep himself together ,,Don't call me like that“
It felt as if someone had pushed a hand through his skin and flesh and was holding onto his heart, squeezing it, having fun making him feel like he couldn't breath and the older could do nothing but helplessly watch Jisungs eyes grow distant, the invisible wall that had forced itself between them 7 years ago suddenly appearing in front of him, towering above him as to mock him of the undeniable truth that he would never be able to break it down. Jisungs mind had fallen into chaos the moment all emotions and thoughts flood back like a tsunami, that swept him away mercilessly.
,,You should go“ his voice barely above a whisper and his eyes closed tight and several seconds passed before he felt the weight of Minhos body leave the bed. Minho stopped at the door, turning his head back for a split second, to the skinny figure that was his ex-lover, who laid on the bed without moving an inch, as if the world would break if he did.
And the moment Jisung heard the door close, he sat up straight, his feets barely touching the floor. His breath was getting quicker with every passing seconds and he ran his hands over his face, through his hair. There was a sense of utter disbelief of what had just taken place, in this room a minute ago and Jisung felt the panic attack slowly getting worse and all he could do was cover his face with his hands and let sobs shake his body.
-
When he woke up the next morning after falling asleep from the exhaustion of the emotional distress inside him, he felt like a truck had driven over him. His head felt like it was gonna explode from the throbbing pain, while his limps felt like someone had tied bricks around them to keep him from moving. He didn't open his eyes as he lied there, only little rays of sunshine getting through the small cracks, the closed curtains allowed and in this moment, Jisung wouldn't have mind it, if the sun would never shine again. In fact, he wouldn't have mind it all if a hole would open itself up right now and swallow him whole, taking him far away from everything and everyone. Feeling like this wasn't something new to him and at some point he had found out that staying busy was the best way to avoid this depressive state, to keep his mind off unnessacary and unpleasant feelings but right now, he didn't had the energy to do so. The events of last night had been too much for him to just easily put it aside, like he had always done. He felt like someone had pushed him into a time machine, taking him back to his 22 year old self, who had found himself suddenly all alone and with a heart, shattered into so many pieces that he was afraid he would never be able to get it back together.
8th may 2022
The room had fallen into a deep silence, the only sound coming from the open window in the livingroom, the only reason Jisung could believe that this was real. The sound of cars, rustling leaves and distant shoutings of kids. The world outside existed and it was moving on without caring how a 21year old boys world was coming to an end. It was a strange state he found himself in as he stood in front of all his closest friends, his eyes not meeting anyones as the weight of his words were sinking into the others. He felt oddly clear headed, while at the same time numb to his own body, as if his sensory feelings left him, depending on his rationality of knowing that his legs were holding him up.
Just a day ago, he had locked eyes with Minho, leading a conversation that had only one way to end but right now, he didn't even dare to acknowledge the boys presence right beside him, in fear of losing the strength and courage he had gathered, the moment his eyes would find those of the dancer. Right now, the safest option was to just stare straight ahead.
Nobody knew what to say and he didn't blame them. What were they supposed to say in this situation? Two of their best friends, who had been in a secret relationship for the past 2 years, were standing in front of them, expressions hard enough to compete with a wall of bricks, telling them that they broke up yesterday and there was no need for them to worry about the groups dynamic, as they will both keep being professionell and do their jobs. After a few more suffocating seconds, in which still no one knew what to say, Jisung had just turned around and let the sound of his door closing echo through the apartment.
He walked up to his bed and sat down on the edge, his face revealing little to no clue what he was feeling at this exact moment. For a moment he considered just going to sleep as they had a tight scheducle for the next day and he could use every hour of sleep he could get but when he bend down to take his shoes off, it was like a switch had turned around and his efforts to keep himself together shattered like waves at the shore.
He slid down his bed, onto the floor, his whole body shaking as he was gasping for air between sobs that wrecked his body. He clasped his hands over his mouth, his nails digging into his soft skin as he was trying to muffle his cries but to no use. In the silence of the apartment, he knew that everyone would hear him and see that the strength he had shown them just a few moments ago, was nothing more than pretense. But he couldn't stop crying. He felt ashamed, heartbroken, angry and terrified, like nothing in the world could ever stop him from falling into this bottomless pit that he had spent his whole life, trying to avoid. What wrong had he ever done in his life, to have to be punished like this? Jisung knew he wasn't a saint, he had done and say things he regretted deeply and he had made too many mistakes to even be able to count them but had he really been such a horribl person that he deserved to feel like this? He was just in love. He had no control over his feelings and heaven knows, he tried but in the end, he couldn't really understand why he had to. Loving someone with all his heart, was a sin worth of being punished like this? Laying in the arms of another man, whipping his tears away and wanting to be a source of happiness in the others world, was something reprehensible?
Right now, Jisung felt so much hatred towards himself. Hatred for having let himself get involved in a relationship that was meant to fail from the very beginning. Feelings that had started out as simple admiring and curiosity, had become something profound and strong that neither of them had expected when they had first started, teasing each other in the safe zone of being friends. Jisung had never expected to feel as if his whole life would end together with that relationship but here he was, on the floor of his bedroom with his heart being torn into shreds.
Jisung glanced at the clock. 12 pm. It wouldn't take long and the house would soon be filled with noises but he wished it wouldn't. He didn't want to hear the world outside going on as if nothing happened and he didn't want Chan to come into his room and wake him up. He just wanted to be left alone. But he knew it was impossible because even though he had drank quite a bit, he still remembered everything, including Felix proposing for everyone to go out for dinner the next day and everyone agreeing to it. He wasn't sure if it was the alchohols fault but just the thought of food made him nauseaous and he would rather jump into a pool of snakes than sit with Minho at one table, acting as if nothing happened.
He had a hard time believing that the kiss between them actually really happened and he couldn't understand how he could get himself drunk enough to let it go that far. He hated the fact that while his mind was a mess of unorganized thoughts and anxiety, his body was craving the touch of the older again and the way it had made him feel. It was something he had never experienced with anyone else. Over the past 5 years, Jisung had only tried twice to become intimate with someone else. The first time was a girl, he had met on the streets and recognized as being one of the staffs that used to work for JYP. She had invited him to dinner and he had agreed, even though he had never been the type for such things, how could he when the mere thought of strangers filled him up with anxiety but he was desperate. Desperate to move on. He had grabbed his clothes and sneaked out of the apartment in the middle of the night, feeling disgusted and ashamed about the fact that he felt absolutely nothing for her, a women. And the worst part was that he still felt as hurt as he did before.
The second time was after he had moved to Jinhae-gu and had fallen into a state of wreckless behavior, he had never known from himself. Self-control had always been his strength, something he used to be proud of because it had made him endure all kind of things throughout his whole life but the first 6 months in his new hometown had been spent inside bars and benches out in the cold. The turning point was the almost second one night stand he ever had in his life. He had gotten wasted to a point, he could just barely hold up his body and let himself be taken to the bathroom by a guy, he had spent the last hour dancing with. In the middle of the guy unbottining his jeans, Jisung had called him Minho so many times that the guy had asked who Minho was, sobering Jisung enough with that question to shove the confused guy away before he felt himself falling onto the dirty floor of the bathroom stall, pulling his knees close and escaping into a memory of warmth and happiness. It was what made him decide to get help and stop spending his nights, wasting money and drinking himself into an early grave.
After all the break up had put him through, he couldn't believe how easy he had surrendered to the alcohol and let his bodys reaction take over. There was no way he wanted to think about what last night meant and before his mind could wander to the questions he wasn't ready to answer, he heard a knock and the door opened carefully.
,,Han?“ he heard Chans gentle voice and his head sticking out from behind the door but he was unable to see the younger due to the curtains, blocking out the daylight ,,I'm awake“ he answered tiredly, not really feeling in the mood to talk to anyone at all ,,The others will be here in about an hour, to go out“ ,,I don't think I can go with you guys“ Jisung said, his voice hoarse from his dry throat ,,I guess I catched a cold or something yesterday. Been feeling kinda sick“ ,,Shit, should I get you something? Medicine or tea or anything?“ ,,No no, I'm fine, really. Just go and tell the others I'm sorry“ it was silent for a moment and Jisung couldn't be more relieved that the older couldn't see him right now because he was sure his swollen eyes and puffy cheeks would give away that he didn't just simply catched a cold and he hoped Chan wouldn't ask anymore question and just leave him be.
,,Alright, if you don't feel well or you need to go to the hospital or whatever, just call me. I'll pick you up right away“ ,,I will....thanks“ just as Chan was about to close the door, he hesitated and looked back into the dark room, where he could only make out Jisungs silhouette
,,Han-ah?“ ,,Hm?“ ,,...Did something happen last night?“ it was a simple question but Jisung felt his heart skipping a beat and his stomach turning, fearing that the others might have seen more than he thought, so he had tried to sound as casual as possible when he asked what he meant by that but Chan didn't do a good job at hiding his uneasiness ,,It's just that...Minho disappeared last night without telling anyone and Seungmin tried to reach him all morning but he wouldn't answer. I mean, he is probably just hungover and still asleep in his bed....but I thought maybe you know more“ it was clear that he wasn't feeling confident enough to actually ask directly if something happened between them and Jisung couldn't be more happier about the former leaders hesitation at the moment because it made it easier to get out of this conversation.
He opened his mouth to say something but when he was suddenly reminded of the events of last night, he felt tears welling up again and he was afraid, his voice would break if he said one word.
,,Han?“ he heard Chans voice, careful and gentle and Jisung hated it because after all this years, it still made him feel weak and awakened the urge to cry into his older brothers arms and tell him everything. He needed to go home and that as fast as possible.
,,I...I don't know“ he squeezed out, trying so sound as calm as possible and the other didn't question it but he was sure it wasn't because Chan actually believed him. In the end he had repeated once more to call him if anything happens and had disappeared out of the room, leaving Jisung to drift back into an unsettling sleep, wondering if Minho was okay.
Around 6 pm Jisung had gathered enough strength to get himself out of bed and head down to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water, his throat desperately needed. The house was still quite and when he looked out of the window into the garden, he could see that while he had been sleeping, the garden had almost been fully decorated for tomorrow. For a moment he forgot that the reason he had come here was because of Chans wedding and he felt bad about running away again when Chan had been so happy to get them all back together again but Jisung couldn't stay. He knew it was selfish and that in the end, he was sure he could get through the wedding but he didn't want to. He didn't wanted to see Minho nor his friends. All he wanted right now was to lock himself in his bedroom and forget the world outside.
As he was packing up his stuff, he heard the rustling of keys and the front door being opened, soon followed by the sweet laughter of Taelha. Somehow he had hoped that he would be gone by the time they came back but he knew it would've been childish and he had promised Changbin to never just run away again like he did in the past. Before he had even the time to build up the courage to go downstairs and tell his brother that he wasn't going to attend his wedding, the door to his room opened and Chan came in, holding a cup of soup in one hand. His relaxed expression turning into confusion upon seeing the half packed luggage but before he could ask what was going on, Jisung told him that he needed to go home and couldn't attend the wedding. Chan had put the cup down and looked at him, still with an expression of utter confusion
,,What? Why?“ ,,...It's just I got a call and there are some things I really need to take care of“ he was very well aware that it wasn't a very good excuse but in the end, the other wouldn't question it and he couldn't think of anything else to say. Chan had oddly stayed quiet and just watched him, packing his stuff and only when he had zipped up his last bag and turned around to the older, did he open his mouth again
,,What happened?“ he asked, an unreadable expression on his face and his voice lacking the nervousness Jisung had already grown used to since they had met last year for the first time. It always felt like the older choose every word carefully, afraid of overstepping any lines or making him feel uncomfortable but right now, it felt like he wasn't that afraid anymore.
,,What do you mean?“ Jisung asked, pretending to be clueless even though he was well aware that his friend had understood what's going on, maybe even way ealier than he thought.
,,Jisung....I know, I don't have any right to say anything but...I want you to trust me...us again“ the older confessed, suprising the former rapper with the gentle tone and he lifted his head to met Chans gaze. He looked conflicted and overwhelmed, scared to have the talk, he thought he would have a lot more time preparing for
,,I know we didn't actually gave you any reason to trust us but I really want to make up for that...what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry“ he spoke out, his eyes getting glassy and Jisung felt a lump forming in his throat at the realization where this conversation was heading.
,,I'm sorry we didn't stood by your side.....we left you two to deal with that situation all alone and forced you two apart because of our selfish wants“ ,,Don't feel sorry“ Jisung finally said, turning his head away from the other, unable to meet his eyes ,,We were selfish for getting into...this relationship in the first place and anyway, it's in the past. There is no need to talk about this anymore“ ,,Is it?....A part of the past?“ if he didn't felt uncomfortable before, he surely did now and he probably could've easily responded to that question with a light chuckle and a yes, if last night hadn't taken up all his energy ,,What are you trying to say, Chan?“ he said, his voice slowly losing the informal sound he couldn't get rid of since they had met again ,,I can see it....no, in fact, we all can“ ,,See what exactly?“ for the first time, he felt a sort of anger raising inside him but not one that steamed from past emotions he had never expressed but from Chan, feeling the need to confront him with things he was trying to get away from ,,The way you two look at each other“ this time it was Jisungs turn to be confused, not understand what the other meant.
,,I don't know what exactly happened between you two back then and I don't know what happened between you two now but I know that you still care about each other, don't you?“ Jisung gulped, feeling nervous and stupid for thinking he had done a good job at hiding the tumoult of emotions he felt whenever he saw the dancer, while apparently everyone had seen that he was still hung up on the past ,,I still don't really get what you are trying to say but the thing between Minho and I is in the past. It's been 7 years“ ,,Then why are you running away again?“ Jisung felt himself getting frustrated slowly, something about the others persistence irking him enough to feel a sense of anger building up ,,I'm sick of people telling me I'm running away. Why do you care? If I run away or not, what's it to you?“ he had expected the older to get flustered at some point and stop digging into things Jisung didn't want him to but there was a certain determination in his eyes, that was killing every hope Jisung had of quietly disappearing
,,Because you are my friend! I've known you since you were 16....and I'm trying to make up for what I didn't do back then“ ,,Just like I said, it is in the past. I am not angry at you guys and I think it's time for you to move on from that guilt too“ Chan swalllowed hard, his strong expression slowly cracking enough for Jisung to get a little hush at the pain, he was trying to hide but Jisung couldn't get soft for the sake of his friends feelings.
He wanted to get out of this conversation even though he knew he was behaving like a teenager, who thinks running away could solve everything but it was all just too much. Leading this conversation meant he would need to face things that were simply to painful and maybe he would have to learn to accept that no matter how much time would pass, they would stay that painful.
,,I'll stop talking, right this minute if you answer only one question“ as there was no objection of the younger, Chan continuted ,,If you still have...any feelings left for Minho....why are you running away now?“ a part of him had expected such kind of question but hearing those words being spoken out aloud was something, no premonition could've made him ready for. It was strange how easy it was for words like this to be said, while the impact they had felt as if something had pressed all air ouf of his stomach. The former singer waited for Jisung to answer but the younger seemed frozen in place, unable to open his mouth to lie or to tell the truth
,,I know this isn't my place to say all of this but it's not like, things are as complicated as they were back then......I mean, there is no contract you are tied to anymore and you aren't leading a life in the public eye anymore either“ Jisung felt dumbfounded at the words of the other, wondering if he really believed things were that easy. That either of them could just forget everything that happened and go back to the way things were, just because there wasn't anyone to control them anymore.
,,Hyung, I know you are just trying to ease your guilt-“ Jisung couldn't help but sound a little cold, feeling like it was the only way to get older to leave him alone ,,-but things between Minho and I are fine. We both had decided together to break up back then because it was for the best, for everyone and we both knew that then and now“ ,,Do you really believe that?“ Chan said, a hint of disbelief on his face, wondering if Jisung really thought like that and it only made his heart ache even more ,,It was for the best...for us“ Chan spoke out, the truth of his words weighting him down and let a tear escape his eyes, which he wiped away frustrated ,,You two didn't do what's best for everyone....you did what was best for us.....and I am so fucking sorry“ he said, switching unintentionally between english and korean as he hid his eyes behind his hand, trying to calm himself down ,,We should've protected you two....we all kept telling ourselves that you two would eventually move on and that relationships end every single day and people still go on with their lifes.....but I knew it was a lie....we all knew it but back then. For us it was easier to just believe those words, pretend like everything could be okay again one day even though we all knew that we were breaking you two“ Jisung didn't wanted to hear any more and only wanted for the the familiar sting at the back of his throat from trying to keep the tears in, to disappear
,,We should've faced Mr. Park together with you...we- we should've found a solution together, a way for you to stay together and for our careers to not be risked but instead, we all took the easy way out and let you two bear the weight and I feel so ashamed to have done that to someone, I called my family“ by now the olders tears were unstoppable running down his cheeks even though he was trying to get himself back together but it didn't seem to work and Jisung found himself, slowly losing control too. Hearing all those words were like knifes, stabbing into his already brusied heart.
How could love cause so much pain for so many people?
,,I know this is absolut selfish and I have no right to say anything but Han-ah-“ he took a step forward, hissing after another failed attempt to get the tears to stop and tried to get the younger to meet his eyes, who seemed stone-set on staring a hole into the floor ,,If you still love him...why are you running away from it?“ Jisunds head snapped back up, suprising the older as he was met with teary eyes and a furious expression he couldn't remember ever seeing on the youngers face ,,If you know you have no right to say those things, then why are you still saying it?“ he spatted angry, not letting the other say something as he continued, his voice slowly raising ,,Do you think it's easy as that? That all can be forgotten because of some lingering feelings?“ he laughed emotionless and ran a hand through his blonde hair, slowly losing control over the situation and he hated it but he hated it even more that he couldn't stop himself from saying all those things ,,What if one of us didn't feel that way anymore? What if we don't actually still love each other but are just hung up on the past and the way we used to feel? What if someone finds out about our relationship and makes it public?“ he chocked on his own words, feeling his vision getting blurry from the tears, he was trying so hard to hold in ,,...What if the pain we feel whenever we see the other outweights the love?“
the words that were leaving his mouth didn't only suprised Chan, whose eyes had grown wide but also himself. In just a short amount of time, Chan had made him admit things he had done his best, trying to avoid the past years and just like he had expected, the feeling of relief didn't came and instead, he just felt how heavy his heart was. Those were some of the reasons Jisung had never dared to reach out to Minho, too afraid of the countless ways things could end up hurting him even more. The love he had felt for the other had caused him so much sorrow that no possibility of them getting back together could've been enough for him to ever risk, feeling like this again. He knew, he wouldn't survive a second time. The way Chan said it, made it sound so easy but between him and Minho stood 7 years filled with endless pain that they associated with each other, pain that had made them both run away and abandon everything they knew. How could they ever look at each other without being reminded of that?
,,I...I'm sorry“ muttered Chan, his eyes dry but cheeks still wet from the tears that had fallen down just a moment ago and he meant those words because even though he had spent so much time, breaking his own head, thinking about why they both were still so set on ignoring their feelings that everyone could easily see when they looked at each other but at the end, he had never considered the things Jisund had just told him and it made him feel dumb for actually having said those words. Jisung didn't say anything as he looked at his older friend and the anger inside him slowly subsided and was replaced with guilt because Chan hadn't done anything wrong and he just had started this conversation at the wrong time and the wrong place. But instead of backing away finally, Chan looked him straight in the eyes and exhaled strongly
,,I'm also sorry for continuing to overstep lines but....don't go....don't run away, please. If you are right and what you two feel for each other is simply the memory of your love, shouldn't you at least find out?“ Jisung hated that he always seemed to know exactly what to say and took a deep breath in, trying to find his posture back, at least a little so that he could keep up this tiring conversation ,,I won't because I'm not curious. I don't wanna be confronted with that at all actually“ he admitted, his tone once again raising with a strong accent of annoyance ,,All I want is to live the rest of my life in peace-“ ,,Han-ah-“ ,,-And I want you to stop using me to ease your guilt“ he knew he was being spiteful but he had enough, his nerves already being thin today and his patience was running out. He knew he was hurting the other as a way to get him to stop and he did feel sorry but he just needed him to stop picking at his hurtful spots. And it seemed as if it was enough as the other kept his mouth closed, his head tilted slightly downwards. Jisung grabbed his three bags and walked up to Chan ,,I'm really happy for you and Taelha....and I wish you two the best“ and just as he was about to open the door and leave Chan spoke up once again
,,Seungmin told me about Minho.....and the state he was in when after a whole year of vanishing from the surface completely, he responded to one of Seungmins texts“ Jisung wanted to ignore the others words, tell him goodbye and leave but something kept him in place, unable to move or say anything ,,I can't imagine how he must've felt but I know that being apart from you broke him too...and if after 7 years, you both are still hurting, what's the point of holding back in fear of getting hurt? If you two are already in pain from being seperated“ Jisung didn't let it show at all as he simply said goodbye and walked out of the house, loaded his truck with his belongings and drove away but those words had struck something inside him. If they are already in pain because they can't hold each other, what's the worst that could happen? In the end that was was Chan had wanted to say and Jisung hated him for having been able to get to him but it wasn't like it was gonna change anything....right?
Jisung didn't knew what to think, everything was such a mess. The pain inside his chest, the longing he had felt last night and Chans word repeated themselves over and over again and there was too much he just simply had no answer for or did he?
With many breaks Jisung finally arrived back at Jinhae-gu with the sun having already gone down a long time ago and he could barely keep his exhausted body up and walk into his house, letting his body melt into the soft material of his couch. His head slid against the backrest of the couch, while he sighed tiredly and ran a hand through his hear, before he let it rest on his forehead. Jisung had never really been one of weak mentality, allowing him to juggle a full time job that took all his attention while dealing with all sorts of mental problems as well as physical ones. But things had started to change slowly after the relationship with the older came to an hurtful end and his family, he had fallen in love with over the years, breaking apart. He had become a lot more sensitive, a lot less able to handle big problems without feeling like they were going to crush him. He had tried to get back to his old self, spending his time staying busy as much as he could and not think about things he had always labeles as useless because they never did him any good. That way he had survived the first years after the incident.
He had pulled himself together and even after the disbandment, he had stayed in contact with almost everyone, not letting himself feel any sort of resentment towards the others or Minho. It was like someone had turned around a switch over night. He had gone to bed on a day that was like any other and had woken up in the middle of the night, suddenly feeling such a strong urge to run away inside of him that he had, out of impulse, bought a house in a place far away and had over the course of a week, moved to a different city. After that things had been difficult to say at least and Jisung had learned that what he thought to be a strength of his was in fact something entirely different. He was a coward. The absence of his full-time, emotional unavaible working mother in his childhood and the pressuring perfection his father expected of him. The suspicion that something was wrong with him upon the realization of a sort of emptiness that resided in his chest since he was little. The fear of the disinterest when his friends talked about girls. What he hid behind a mask of stupid jokes and false confidence.
He had dealt with all of those things the same way. He ran away from them, had hidden behind work and TV shows, keeping himself busy for his head to ever get to reach out to him. It was the only way he knew and he had painfully been made aware of that. He believed himself to have grown, to deal with his issues and accept them, only for him to once again learn that he did nothing else than run away from it again, telling himself that he was mature and therefore didn't need to deal with any useless thoughts of things he couldn't change anyway.
Now he found himself again on his couch, with an emotional tourmult inside that equaled a natural distaster. It had taken nothing more than a kiss and a few spoken words of Chan and he felt like he was still stuck at the same spot his entire life. He felt pathtic for it but he couldn't help but admit that he was nowhere near being over Lee Minho and that despite trying to blame the alcohol for his slip-up, he knew exactly what he was doing. He might've drank a little too much that night but he had more than one sober moment enough to stop the kiss from happening. It was almost ridiculous how evidently it was, alone from the way he had kept his shoulder pressed against the other because he was craving the touch. That was the way he had always been. He had immediately packed his stuff and ran away again and maybe he would need to learn to accept that he was never going to change.
However, there was no denying that Chans words had hit a nerve and he wasn't all to sure what he was expecting when he took his phone out and typed 5 simple words in that made him hold his breath in fear. With a moment of hesitation he clicked the send button.
I miss you too. Everyday.
Why? Jisung himself had no idea but maybe Chan had revealed a little flame inside him that he had always been to afraid to acknowledge. A small flame of hope.
It was a lot to take in, so Jisung did what he knew best, put it aside for the moment. Even though he was craving for the comfort of his bed, he forced himself to take a shower and then slipped underneath his expensive satin blanket, hoping to find a little more sleep. But
the sudden vibrating of his phone threw him out of his delirium-like state and when he looked at the phone beside him his breath got caught in his throat, the name of the very person, repsonsible for his messy state, on the screen. Before he had time to actually think about what the call meant, he picked up and put the phone on his ear. It was silent on the other line, only faint breathing could be heard and it was enough to wrench his heart.
,,I can be there before the sunrise....if you don't want me to...just tell me” his heart was racing and there were so many thoughts, racing through his mind but there was no denying one thing. He missed the dancer. As the line stayed silent, Minho spoke up again
,,I'll be there in a few hours” ,,...okay” Jisung managed to whisper into the phone, surprised by his strength to have been able to say something and just like that, the phone call ended. He couldn't do anything but stare at his phone, wondering if he was already asleep, dreaming about something that would never happen. But he wasn't dreaming, right? The call really happened and Minho would be here in a few hours, in front of him and he had told him to come.
This time, he couldn't hide behind the excuse of alcohol, he could only acknowledge that he had willingly told him to come and he felt his heartbeat speeding up, almost painfully hitting against his chest. There was no way to run away again. This time they would have to talk, have the conversation that Jisung had always been afraid of and the reason he had never dared to reach out to Minho. But different from before, there was something more than fear inside of him. It was small, like a droplet of water but it was enough for him, to take on this big baggage he had kept carrying around that almost crushed him. He could only hope for it to become a river, for it to not dry out completely and leave him once again in a desert.
Jisung had always complained about the length of days, wishing for time to just go by faster but right now, he couldn't help bu hiss at the way, time suddenly seemed to run and in the blink of an eye, the first outlines of the sunrise could be seen. He hadn't slept even a little, way too restless about Minho, coming to his home and he had spent the last hour, running around and cleaning his apartment and cursing himself for having given his maid paid holidays for 2 weeks. He had distracted himself from the unearable nervousness and when it rung on the door, his heart skipped a beat and he froze in place. The realization that this was really happening slowly sinking in and he hated himself for feeling like a 16 year old boy, who invited his crush to his home for the first time.
But Minho and he weren't 16 year old boys nor do they were just each others crush. They had meant a lot more to each other than that, making them share not just kisses. They had seen more of each other and done more to each other for it to ever be called a simple crush. Being with the older had made Jisung wonder if something like true love actually existed. And that men was right behind that door, waiting for him to open up.
He took a deep breath, straightening his already straight black shirt and with false confidence, he walked up his front door and swung it open. And there he was. Dark brown hair, mocha brown eyes and sharp pink lips. For a moment they had just kept staring at each other, taking in the others presence and the undeniable truth that they were both here because they wanted it.
,,Hey Jisung-ah”
Minho spoke softly, melting something in the youngers heart with the way his voice was still so full of affection.