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Among the things every pet owner knows is that sometimes, fleas happen, and unfortunately, they had happened to Malakai’s cats.
Treating the felines had been a pain, and now it was time for the house to be thoroughly rid of the blood sucking little fuckers. Unfortunately, that meant that he needed to get both himself and his cats out of the house for the day. Even more unfortunately, there was no cat hotel to be found that could take in seven cats at once, and he really didn’t want to break up the gang, not when they were stressed out from their flea baths and combing anyway.
All of that left him with only one choice: take the cats along to AEW headquarters, find a place where they could safely stay for the day, and hope that Tony wasn’t there today, because he was pretty sure that even though enough people brought their dogs to work sometimes, more than half a dozen cats was an entirely different matter.
He had arrived early, at a time he knew that most people weren’t around yet, had scouted a good place for his furry friends to stay the day, and left them with enough food, water and litter boxes for them to be happy for a few hours. Of course, he would check in with them regularly, but there were a few things he had to do, too.
Closing the door behind him, he taped a sign reading “Do not open! Cats inside! - Malakai Black” to the door before leaving for the gym.
He should have known that for one, the sign would not be a deterrent but rather an invitation for the curious, and secondly that he should have asked staff if there was a key.
He was getting into his groove on the treadmill, music blasting into his ears, when John Silver and Negative One shuffled into his field of vision. Both of them were looking anxious, and Silver gestured at him that he wanted a word.
“Yeah?” Malakai slowed down and removed his earbuds, dropping them into the pocket of his sweatpants.
“Ummm,” Silver was scratching his head, his anxious look shifting towards guilt, and Malakai felt an icy little trickle down his spine. “Well, um, you know… we were walking past the conference room, you know, the one where you put up the sign…”
“...and I really wanted to see the cats…” Negative One was looking at Malakai like a puppy that had been caught chewing up a pair of dress shoes “and I-”
“-we” John corrected him, “we were really careful, or at least we thought we were…”
The treadmill had slowed down to a stop, and Malakai was now standing next to it, sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose: “How many?”
“All of them.”
“All of them? How can you let seven cats escape?”
Both John and One winced at Malakai’s raised voice, and he tried to tune it down, even though he felt like getting even louder: “Just close the door behind the first two or three!”
“...they were all rushing out at the same time…”
“Verdomme”. Malakai growled, shaking his head, “I didn’t put that fucking sign up for shits and giggles! I put it there so this kind of shit wouldn’t happen! Who knows where they are now! They could be in all kinds of trouble. They could get hurt!”
Negative One was shuffling his feet, looking at the floor, his voice small: “I’m really really sorry. I didn’t want anything to happen to them.”
“I’m sorry, too.” John sounded not much different from the kid. “We’ll help you look. I bet we’ll have them back in no time.”
Malakai sighed, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck: “They don’t know you. If you try to pick them up they’ll run away.”
“Can’t we help?”
The kid sounded like he was about to start crying, and the last thing Malakai needed on top of this was to make Negative One cry.
“Know what. You go back to the room and wait there. I’ll bring the cats, and you’re responsible for them not getting out again. And playing with them so they won’t get bored.”
“Okay! I can do that!”
“And I’ll help him,” John added.
“Okay. That’s settled. I’m going to go look for my cats…”
#1: She was a skater cat
rrrrrrrrrRRRRRRrrrrrr
“Meow?”
Malakai could only watch, dumbfounded, as Phoebe rolled past him, her little face looking up at him in confusion before the skateboard hit the wall with a soft tock.
“Look at her go! She’s a natural!” Darby’s voice called out from behind him.
Malakai looked at Phoebe, who was still sitting on the board, now licking one of her paws.
“Darby, why’s my cat skating down the hallway?” Malakai looked at the young man with a smile and a quirk of an eyebrow.
“Oh, she’s yours? Anyway, Jeff and me were talking about maybe doing a spot from the entrance tunnel, and she turned up and sat down right on my board. Figured she might like a ride.”
Malakai bent down and picked up the still somewhat confused, but in no way scared, cat: “Come on, girl, let’s get you back to your room.”
Darby took Phoebe’s place on the board, one foot on the floor, ready to kick off down the hall: “By the way. Made a video of it, if you want it.”
“Sure do.”
“Going to put some music under it, maybe I can use it for my next promo vid.”
Malakai laughed: “Your promos are always great, but that one’s going to be sick.”
#2: Blackpool Cat Club
His ears picked up the sound of hissing and meowing, and Malakai’s brow furrowed as he took off in a jog. That didn’t sound good. Had someone brought their dog along again?
Rounding a corner into one of the dressing rooms, he wasn’t sure if he should be relieved or not.
Mox and Danielson were sitting on the floor, smiling, Danielson tickling Totty’s belly. Which was something Totty didn’t like at all.
“Bryan. Stop harassing my cat.”
“Relax, Malakai. We’re just playing.” Danielson was looking at the cat, who was swiping at his arm with its claws out. The way the man’s arm looked, Totty had landed a few good hits. “Aren’t we, you feisty little kitty?”
“Danielson, he is chewing on your hand. And sinking his claws into your arm.”
“Oh, that’s all right.”
Malakai heaved a sigh and crouched down, swatting Bryan's hand aside: “Stop it.”
The cat rolled over and stood up, shaking itself, before turning towards Danielson and… headbumping his hand?
“Weirdo,” Malakai muttered to himself, and he wasn’t sure if he meant Danielson or the cat.
“See? It was all in good fun. I’d never actually mistreat an animal.”
Totty gave a short purr as the hand that had bothered him only seconds before scritched him between the ears.
Mox grinned at Malakai, and once again Malakai wasn’t sure if the next words were about Bryan or the cat: “He’s such a softie.”
Sighing again, Malakai picked up the cat, who snuggled into his arms, and headed for the door.
“You know, Mox, we should get a cat. Or two.”
“Go visit the shelter, guys,” Malakai called over his shoulder. “They always have some cats who are difficult to rehome because they’re too aggressive.”
“Sounds perfect!”
#3: Cat nap
He was headed towards the cats’ temporary home, Totty still in his arms, when Kris poked her head out of a door, waving him closer: “Hey Malakai, you gotta see… oh, you got one, too?”
Malakai followed her, and the sight that presented itself almost made him laugh out loud, but Chuck Taylor pressed a finger to his lips and shushed him: “Don’t wake them!”
There, on a couch, was Orange, fast asleep.
And on top of Orange was Willow, also fast asleep, her body rising and falling in time with Cassidy’s gentle snores.
“Aren’t they just adorable?” Chuck whispered, giggling behind his hand.
It was true. They did look adorable, peacefully napping on the couch.
“Do you think that if you put the other cat on top of him, it would go to sleep, too? That would be the best picture ever,” Trent said, grinning from one ear to the other.
Malakai shook his head: “I don’t think he’d go to sleep. Willow, she can sleep anywhere. I found him snoozing on top of the TV once, legs hanging down to both sides.”
“Oh, that cat’s yours? Well, figures,” Kris said, gesturing at the cat in Malakai’s arms.
“Yeah. But know what, let them sleep. Just bring the cat down to the conference room when he wakes up.”
“Will do,” Kris nodded.
“You know,” Chuck said, still watching the sleeping pair, “I think I’m going to get a cat. An orange one. Call him Orange Catsidy. That way, when that guy is away I’ll still have someone around who sleeps all day and eats my food…”
#4: Let them eat cake
Chuck’s comment about food made Malakai realize that he’d so far not searched the one place where he was bound to find at least one of his cats: catering.
And he got lucky.
As so often, Eddie was sitting at a table, enjoying a piece of cake. Or rather, he would have enjoyed it if Tubby didn’t try to get at it, too, forcing Eddie to protect his cake by obstructing the cat’s path with his arm and gently shoving it aside: “This is my cake, you greedy bastard, so get yer paws off it. Pretty sure cats shouldn’t be eating cake anyway. Cake’s human food.”
“They shouldn’t,” Malakai said, approaching the table. “Way too much sugar. Doesn’t mean they won’t try.”
“That nuisance here yours?” Eddie said, pointing his fork at Tubby.
Malakai picked up Tubby, who loudly protested against getting his cake heist thwarted: “I’m afraid so.”
“Man, why’d you even bring a cat along? I get that people bring their dogs, but a cat?”
“Long story. They weren’t supposed to be running around trying to eat people’s cake, either.”
“Yeah well you should’ve told him that.”
Malakai laughed: “As if he’d listen.”
Eddie gave him a cheerful grin: “Doesn’t listen to what people say and likes cake. I’m starting to like that fuzzball…”
Intermission - Hell is empty, all the Demons are in AEW
Besides catering, the most likely place a cat would be was underneath the ring. After all, the space underneath the ring was the perfect hideaway for a spooked kitty - closed, dark, hidden away from the humans.
And, as Malakai was finding out, hard to access. It looked like someone’s attic, one that was long overdue for a good de-clutter. There were tables and chairs stacked everywhere, and once he had gotten past those, things got really chaotic. Small velvet bags filled with thumbtacks, pieces of glass and LEGO bricks, the latter having him wondering who would be that sadistic. Spare turnbuckle fastenings. Baseball bats. A pool noodle. A… rubber chicken? He gave the chicken a squeeze, and the poor thing let out an asthmatic squeaking noise.
“Who wakes Danhausen from his nap?”
Malakai blinked in confusion, but there he was, makeup and all, looking quite grumpy.
“Oh, hey, Danhausen. It’s me. Malakai. What are you doing down here?”
“Ah, my fellow demonhausen. As Danhausen was saying, he was taking a nap.”
“Underneath the ring?” The guy was really weird.Nice, though.
“It is a wonderful place for napping. Nobody wakes Danhausen. Well, sometimes they do, but then Danhausen curses them.”
“Please don’t curse me. I’m having a bad day as it is. Say, have you maybe seen a cat down here somewhere?”
“As you are very evil like Danhausen, he shall refrain from cursing you. And yes, he has seen a cathausen. Very nice, very fluffy. Danhausen invited it to take a naphausen with him, but it was only passing through.”
“Damn.”
“No swearing!”
Malakai suppressed a sigh. “If a cat…hausen comes through here again, could you bring it to the conference room?”
“Danhausen shall do that.”
#5: The secret to perfect hair
“...well, I would, if I could move!” Whatever the situation was, Jungle Boy didn’t sound too happy. with it. “It’s sitting on my hair! And it won’t budge!”
“I think it’s grooming you.” Luchasaurus wasn’t even trying to suppress his rumbling chuckle.
Grooming someone? That had to be Pickles, who loved nothing more than trying to make the hair of every human around him look as shiny as his own.
Indeed, it was Pickles, who was pinning down Jungle Boy by sitting on his hair, which was draped over the backrest of a beat-up couch in the rec room. And, of course, running his wet sandpaper tongue through the boy’s hair.
For a moment, Malakai considered taking a snapshot or even a video of this, because the whole thing was hilarious, from Jungle Boy’s pout to Luchasaurus’ grin, and of course Pickles, who had started kneading the couch, and the hair, clearly in his element as the number one hairdresser of celebrities.
Instead, he coughed, mostly to hide the chuckle in his voice: “Pickles, stop that, You can’t just groom every person whose hair you like.”
“Oh my god. Finally someone who can get that cat out of my hair.” Jungle Boy sounded genuinely relieved. “My friend here,” Jungle Boy turned his head as much as possible, glaring at Luchasaurus, “refuses to help.”
The big man’s grin only got wider: “It’s cute. And funny.”
Malakai went over to the couch and lifted Pickles off the back rest, carefully disentangling the cat’s claws from the shiny locks it had been sitting on: “I’m so sorry for his behavior. He can’t resist.” He kissed the cat between the ears: “Bad Pickles.”
Jungle Boy reached up to where the cat had been licking his hair: “Great. Now I’m going to have to work out a huge knot…”
#6: Catt(i)er than you
“You like that, don’t you, beautiful? Such a little sweetheart you are, and so pretty! Yes, yes, I’m going to take you home with me, feed you the best cat food, and you can play with Piper all day long.”
MJF. Of all the people Blueberry could have run into, it had to be him. If Malakai had believed in God, he would have asked why said God was punishing him like that.
…even if he couldn’t quite muster up the disdain he usually had for that brat, seeing how Blueberry and Maxwell were rubbing heads, Blue purring like a lawnmower and Max baby talking him without paying one ounce of attention to their surroundings.
“I’m afraid you’re out of luck there. Blueberry is my cat, so you’ll have to find another friend for yours.”
MJF looked up, instinctively wrapping his arms around Blueberry: “Ha. Anyone can say this cat is theirs. I’m not just going to give him to you until you prove it.”
Malakai smirked. Seemed like whatever time Maxwell had spent with the cat, Blueberry had wriggled himself into his heart well and good.
“Come on, Blueberry,” Malakai said, coaxing the cat with a few short pspsps noises, “your friends are waiting.”
Blueberry didn’t move.
Traitor.
“See? He likes me better than you.” Malakai half expected MJF to stick out his tongue at him.
He shook his head: “He’s likes everyone who gives him their undivided attention.”
Maxwell didn’t budge, and Blueberry didn’t make any moves to leave the lap of luxury, either.
“Unhand my cat. Now.” Malakai narrowed his eyes at MJF.
MJF was just opening his mouth to say something when a voice said from behind Malakai’s shoulder: “Maxwell, be a good boy and give the man his cat back. Or do I have to put you on a leash and spank you again?”
From one second to the next, Maxwell’s face had gone red as a tomato, and he sputtered at CM Punk, who was sauntering over to them with a smug grin on his face.
“Come on. I said, give the man his cat back.”
Somehow, Maxwell turned even more red, but he stood up and meekly handed Blueberry over to Malakai.
“See, that’s a good boy.”
“...fuck off, Punky,” MJF muttered, but there was no bite in the words.
Blueberry snuggled into Malakai’s arm, and Malakai couldn’t help but take a little pity on the boy, who was clearly wishing that the ground would open up under his feet and swallow him whole. Reaching out, he patronizingly ruffled Maxwell’s hair: “Thank you for taking good care of him. Oh, and I also want some cat tax. As compensation.”
MJF turned around, fleeing the scene as fast as he could without actually breaking out into a run.
Punk shook his head, rolling his eyes theatrically: “Kids these days. You let them out of your sight for a moment, and they’re down a path of crime…”
Malakai laughed, patting Punk’s shoulder: “Thanks, man. I was afraid I’d have to kick him in the head, and that would have spooked poor little Blueberry.”
“Cute kitty,” Punk said, reaching over to scratch Blue’s head, who immediately started purring. “I’m more of a dog person, though…”
#7: Everybody loves the Catclaimed
With only one cat missing, Malakai roamed the hallways, looking into every room, under every chair and bench, even asking Danhausen again if maybe a cat had come through, but so far no luck.
“Betty!” He called out, shaking a bag of treats. “Betty! Where are you, girl?”
The only sound he heard was coming from the Acclaimed’s dressing room, Bowens beatboxing while Max was trying some rhymes.
“...you probly think you’re all that, but the Acclaimed’s gonna make you look like this cat!”
The line was punctuated by a squeaky little meow, and both men laughed.
“Yeah, you like that one? You got style, kitty.”
Malakai leaned sideways against the door frame and once again shook the bag of cat treats. Betty’s ears perked up, and she jumped off the low table she was sitting on, hurrying over and winding around Malakai’s legs.
“Hey! You can’t just come in here and steal our new co-star!”
Max laughed: “Man, you know how the pussycats are. Always looking for a sugar daddy.”
“Now I gotta come up with another line,” Anthony said, grinning at Malakai. “But hey, for someone who probably only gets to listen to metal at home, Betty’s got rhythm.”
Malakai chuckled: “Maybe I’ll let you borrow her some time. Who am I to stand in her way to stardom…”
“And with that one, the cat’s in the bag again!” John Silver deposited an only slightly struggling Totty into his carrier. “Man, this day was like herding cats.”
“One more cat related pun and I’m going to ask Tony if he can set up a match between us so I can kick you so hard you’ll need to re-learn your vocabulary,” Malakai said as he closed the carrier on Blue, but John would have known he wasn’t serious even without Malakai laughing.
“Bye Tubby. Bye Willow.” Negative One was waving goodbye to every cat before turning to Malakai: “Are you going to bring them along again?”
“Absolutely not!” Malakai raised his hands, shaking his head as if the kid had asked him to eat a handful of worms: “Today was enough cat chasing for a lifetime.”
Negative One looked crestfallen, almost heartbroken, and the sight made Malakai relent somewhat: “But tell you what, if you want to, you can come by my place and visit them.”
“Great!” One’s sad face lit up like a lightbulb.
“Now help me get them to the car. It should be safe again back home, and after the day I’ve had I’m almost ready to nap under the ring like Danhausen…”