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“You got a girlfriend?”
There was the question again. The one often asked by relatives during family gathering or nosy people who didn’t know boundaries. This time, the question was asked by none other than Shinichiro, Mikey’s older brother, whose gaze focused on the motorcycle before him. It was very laughable that Shinichiro asked the question about girlfriend when he’d been rejected thousand times by women himself.
“Why do you care?” Mikey snapped.
“C’mon, bro,” Shinichiro glanced over his shoulder, flashing him a grin, “I never heard you talk anything about girls and stuff. There must be a girl that you like.”
Truthfully, it was the opposite. A few girls in school had confessed to Mikey several times. Their eyes always glinted of admiration while eyeing Mikey, smile tinted over their lips, and cheeks colored crimson due shyness. To him, they were all the same. He didn’t develop some feelings to them, so he always rejected them all.
“No,” Mikey finally answered, “Maybe you should get yourself one so you can stop bothering me.”
A laugh escaped from Shinichiro. It was the last time that Mikey heard before his death.
In his teenage years, Mikey wondered if he was broken at all.
Love was a foreign language to him. He never understood why Emma always giggled over her phone at midnight or why Pachin talked so highly about the girls’ curved bodies and rounded breasts. Mikey had been suppressing his feelings since he thought he had a long journey before him. He was still adolescent after all. But the way Emma leaned over Draken’s shoulder with wonderstruck gaze and Draken kissing a top of her head, Mikey couldn’t help but wonder: how does it feel to love someone at all?
Mikey always blamed his trauma for the lack of love in his life. It was because Shinichiro’s death. Or often, because he didn’t have any parental figure in his life. Perhaps it was easier like that. How could one love someone if he had never experienced it? He ignored the way Emma could find love easily despite the trauma that she endured as well. Emma and Mikey were the different side of the same coin. The Yin and Yang of the Sano family; the one glowed so bright yet the other consumed by the darkness and let it eat him alive. Each step that Mikey took in his teen years felt like another step walking to the deepest hell. The hole in his chest gnawed until there was nothing in him at all except the ribcage inside him.
Until a certain boy with ocean eyes and sun-kissed hair caught Mikey’s gaze, life became full of colors once again. His name was Takemichi Hanagaki. Mikey often whispered his name in his sleep like prayer to the heaven above. Takemichi. Takemichi. Takemichi. He reminded Mikey of his older brother a lot; putting on bravery act even though he was weak physically, eyes bright and hopeful while bruises painted his whole face, and body so skinny that a slight touch might shutter him whole.
Mikey believed that his feeling for Takemichi was a mere adoration. But it crumbled as he caught Hinata kissing Takemichi at one festival night. It was a weird feeling, a foreign sensation inside his heart; as if an arrow pierced into his heart and took his life away. The world tilted as he walked away from the scene. It should’ve been him who tasted his lips that day.
Takemichi’s relationship with Hinata didn’t last long. Only a few years passed until Hinata decided to end their relationship due some miscommunication problem. It was a chilly night at Mikey’s living room. He was all alone with Takemichi, Emma had a girl’s night with Hinata and the rest of her friends. They were drunk from the liquor that they stole from the store nearest Mikey’s home. Mikey felt his head spun like wheels, but he was blissful that the love of his life was finally single.
“Just forget about her,” Mikey muttered, his half-lidded eyes watched Takemichi who stared at the ceiling above with empty gaze. His blonde hair disheveled, cheeks moist from his tears, “Girls like her are easy to find anyway.”
For a few moments, Takemichi was quiet. “You don’t understand, Mikey,” even when the words spilled from his lips, it was low and barely audible, “She was there when I was at my lowest point. She was sweet, too. She never judged me for being weak. She—” Takemichi stopped. A tear fell across his cheek again.
Something within Mikey blazed like fire. Perhaps the liquor made him more talkative than usual, but he just wanted to pour all the words from his head so they didn’t die. “No,” Mikey insisted, “You’re strong and cool. You have this smile that can blind girls in the whole school. I’m sure the girls are cheering right now because you’re finally single.” There were so many words that he wanted to say; about the way Takemichi was a hero who always put on bravery smirk whenever he fought, the way Takemichi’s eyes glinted of ocean colors that it could drown him; however, Mikey just let them buried inside his head.
Mikey crawled to sit before Takemichi. The boy before him still leaned onto the edge of seat cushion of the couch. Mikey put both of his hands above Takemichi’s shoulders, it made the other boy stare at him instead of the ceiling. Slowly, Mikey touched the boy’s cheek, caressing it like a treasure. It was soft under his skin, just like he imagined for years. He leaned onto Takemichi’s forehead; his breath hot on his cheek. “You’re the bravest, prettiest, and coolest person I’ve ever met, Takemichy,” he whispered, “No one deserve you at all.”
Takemichi closed his eyes. Then Mikey kissed him.
At first, Takemichi froze. He closed his lips as if he was afraid of the touch. However, as seconds passed, he opened his mouth slowly. It was a clash of teeth, both of them were inexperienced but Mikey yearned for more. Takemichi tasted like liquor and sin. Mikey never knew that kissing a boy would taste this good. He touched the back of Takemichi’s neck, pushing him to deepen the kiss. It was addicting, igniting the fire across Mikey’s skin. Is it okay, for boys to kiss like this? If his love to Takemichi was frowned upon by the angels of heaven, then no wonder why his lips tasted like the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden.
As Mikey broke the kiss to catch air, he stared at the boy before him; panting, hair disheveled, but his half-lidded eyes made the lower stomach of Mikey exploded butterflies.
Mikey grinned like he was a champion.
He didn’t know that their kiss would be the last.
As Mikey took a seat in the classroom, Takemichi approached him. He was the different Takemichi from the night before. This was the cold Takemichi; the one with unreadable expression and grim eyes. Mikey wasn’t afraid of death; of being punched or kicked or even tortured by someone. But he was afraid of being crushed by someone he loved.
“Last night was a mistake.”
They stood on the rooftop of their school. The sun glared at them, burning their skin until it hissed. Takemichi’s gaze settled on Mikey with cool expression, as if the night before didn’t mean anything to him at all.
“What?”
“I’m not—” Takemichi paused, looking sideway before settling his gaze on Mikey once again, “I’m not like you. I’m not gay.”
Mikey felt as if his body fell from the highest mountain on earth. “You kissed me back.”
“I was drunk.”
“But you kissed me back.”
“Listen,” Takemichi seemed frustrated, heaving a sigh, “It shouldn’t have happened, alright? You just happened to be there. It was a mistake. I don’t have any feelings for you.” He stared at Mikey, “I’m sorry.”
As Takemichi turned his heels to leave, Mikey asked, “If I were a girl, would you like me?”
Takemichi froze. He didn’t even bother to glance over his shoulder to face Mikey.
He left Mikey all alone on the rooftop. It made Mikey punched the door and screamed.
As Mikey returned to the classroom, he stopped halfway to see a boy being beaten by a group of people in the hallway.
“What’s wrong with him?” Mikey asked to Pachin, who stood with his hands crossed over his chest.
Pachin glanced at him. “He's gay.”
Mikey’s heart stopped a beat. “What?”
“Yeah,” Pachin returned his gaze to the poor boy, “They found some gay porn in his locker or something.”
The inside of Mikey’s stomach turned upside down. So, this was the reason why Takemichi pushed him away. There really was no place for people like him in this world.
Why was it wrong for him to love someone?
Mikey had the question inside his head for years, yet it was still remained unanswered. As he walked to the road of adulthood, he met people like him; people who loved freely and unconditionally, people who never feared of the frowns by people when they held hands in public with their partner. It was comforting for a moment, to know that Mikey wasn’t alone. He kissed and slept with a lot of men, but none of them could replace the one who had stolen his heart in his teen years.
It sickened him, the fact that the boy with certain ocean eyes never left his heart even for years.
The television glowed, revealing the news of pride paradise in Tokyo. A group of people smiled widely as they waved the rainbow flag. Some of the people Mikey knew went to the pride, but Mikey decided to stay at home with Emma on his side.
As he watched, he recognized a face; the man had a night sky hair with ocean eyes, he wore a white shirt and black pants, waving a small rainbow flag. Mikey would recognize his face even in death.
“Why don’t you try to reach out to him?” Emma, who sat on the couch, chewed on her snack. She had known about Mikey's sexuality even since he was in high school.
“Who?”
“You know who.”
Mikey glared at her. “He said he’s not gay.”
Emma raised an eyebrow. “You’ve been living under a rock or something? Oh, right. You don’t even have IG.” She scrolled and typed on her phone for a few seconds, then showed Mikey something that Takemichi posted on his Instagram. It was a photo of him with bisexual flag.
Mikey stood abruptly from his seat.
It was easy to find Takemichi. But Mikey had been standing outside the store for a few hours, pacing back and forth, pretending to call or send messages, unable to push himself to go inside.
Mikey took a few deep breaths. He pushed the door to DVD store slowly, revealing rows of shelves filled with DVDs. His whole body froze as his gaze landed on the man with grey uniform. He was typing something on his computer, seemingly hadn’t sensed Mikey’s presence. As the man glanced at Mikey. The world stopped for a while.
He was the boy Mikey loved years ago, and he was the man he loved at that moment. His dark sky hair matched him perfectly, and his ocean eyes were the same as years ago Mikey spent loving him. The smile that reached his eyes made Mikey’s stomach turn. Mikey held the urge to run into him and kiss him.
“It’s been a while, Mikey.”
They decided to talk outside for a moment. Mikey didn’t hold himself to say, “You fool.”
“Really?” a careless laugh left Takemichi, “After all those years and you decided to say that?”
Mikey turned his heels to face him. Fire blazed within his eyes. He shouldn’t have felt pissed. He should’ve felt happy, right? But the emotions within him were overwhelming. He felt like he could crack someone’s bones if he wanted to. “That post, you really had to post that?”
A frown creased on Takemichi’s forehead. “What post?”
“Don’t act dumb now,” Mikey paused, but Takemichi seemed like he was genuinely clueless. Mikey let out a sigh, “That post, you came out on your social media? Are you crazy? You can lose your job.”
For some reason it made Takemichi smile. “My boss is fine.”
It didn’t ease Mikey at all. There was something he needed to say, “So,” he broke the eye contact for a moment, “Now what? You got a girlfriend?”
“No.”
“Boyfriend?”
When Mikey returned his gaze on Takemichi, he felt like he was a teenage boy once again. Mikey stared at the ocean eyes before him, he let himself drown within them. Even when the sight left him no room to breathe, he would let himself fall and fall again to death. A smile tugged across Takemichi’s lips as he muttered, “No.”
“Okay,” Mikey moved his gaze to anywhere but Takemichi. God, he was so dumb about this. “Have any plans after your shift?”
“Why?” Takemichi asked teasingly, “Asking me for a date?”
Mikey cracked his neck. He didn’t want to scratch his neck shyly before the boy that he had been crushing on for years, like hell he would. “What, you’re gonna reject me?”
There it was; the laugh that left Takemichi once again. The laugh that could split the inside of Mikey into half. “My shift ends in three hours,” Takemichi informed, “You can take me anywhere after that.”
“Okay,” Mikey muttered, nodding at Takemichi. He planned to go somewhere to wait for him anyway, “I’ll be waiting, then.”
As Mikey turned his heels to leave, Takemichi called his name.
Then he kissed him.
It was a quick kiss; Mikey barely had the time kiss him back. Takemichi held Mikey by the back of his neck as their lips apart, staring at him with his wide eyes glinted of ocean colors as their forehead touched. “This is my apology,” Takemichi whispered.
Even when the passerby looked at them with curious glances, they stayed that way for a few seconds. Mikey had always thought that love was a mere fiction told by delusional poets, but as Takemichi’s soft palm caressed his cheek, the blood running inside his veins made him more alive than before.