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It was never warmer than it had been at New York when had I last seen you. As I walked through the streets, basking in its dawning sunlight, there was no one else I could think of but you.
I shuffled in my coat (the one you gave me) and I continued on, because it wasn't for you that I came back here, it wasn't for you that I walked these streets, and it certainly wasn't for you that I wore this coat. None of it—I meant none of it for you, but it just so "happened" that the Ibe's gallery was here downtown. So, why didn't I simply wore something else? How could I wear something else? Could you tell me?
You wouldn't do the same, I know of it. It wasn't you that would do things sentimentally, but you would do things even if it costed your life. And it did. It fucking did. When you died that day, had you thought of what I could've felt now? I was bashed with guilt, but a part of me was glad, can I be glad? I was happy that you wouldn't suffer from your past haunting you anymore, and though I tried to shove those thoughts away, they were the only plausible ones at the time. And it ate me up, entirely, devoured me as if I were nothing but a grain of rice.
I hadn't thought of anything else to cope, but when I got here, I was overwhelmed. Everything here trailed of you; each corner of the street, the air that shivered its inhabitants and I stood alone here, grieving again because it all reminded me of you.
It had always been you, Ash. I miss you dearly, so much that the first thing I did when I got out of my apartment was to make my way to the library, where every inch of you—your goddamned soul sat in. I wanted to stay there for as long as I could so I could hear nothing but you. But I know—and god, I fucking know—that you're never coming back, I could never have you back again.
So I got up today and walked, walked and walked until I couldn't feel my legs anymore, and when I got back into the apartment, I felt all the tiredness wash over me. Sadly, I wasn't as sentimental as I thought; I didn't get the apartment you got for the both of us back then or something utterly similar to it, and in this one, there was certainly no windows. The hallway into the loft was narrow and the air was really dry. If you were here right now, you'd probably curse under your breath about how terrible my choice was, and I would deliberately listen because I loved you that much.
I took the coat off and hung it on the rack, before my body collapsed into the bed—which was king sized, but the mattress was terribly soft and my back was in pain the entire week—and my eyes fluttered shut.
I didn't fall asleep so quickly, I never did. That's right. Every night I spent with you, I heard it all. Your cries, your nightmares, everything. I wondered, why, in that moment, had I not held you so tight in my arms? Why was I afraid to make you know of my presence, that I was truly there to be with you? I always wondered that, and I still do, after everything that had happened.
Usually a tear or two would fall right out of my eyelids after a thought of you, but I was tired today, completely drained from my walk and all I wanted now was to sleep and forget everything I had thought about today. Including you, Ash. I desperately want to forget you. So, I slipped into a slumber, but as I tried to forget, there was more and more of you appearing in my head.
—
"Eiji!"
I can hear it.. a voice calling me.
"Eiji, get up!" A familiar voice that sounds like my sister and the sound of the sea clashing in the shore is what I heard, and its refreshing feel washing through me as I lay flat on the grainy sand that chafes my skin. I feel it, I hear it, the sea. It's here with me.
I flutter my eyes open and I see.. red? A shade of blue and—oh, I'm laying under an umbrella. Sitting myself up as I scan my surroundings, my eyes stops at the tall mounted rock and I realize that I'm not in New York anymore, not in that shabby apartment but I'm here at the beach, at Inasa beach—my hometown.
Who was calling me? I thought as I look around once more, and there I see my younger sister running through the sandy beach with someone so tall that I can only get to see the lower half of their body. Well, not like I can see anything else further than that since the umbrella's blocking my vision. I stand up from where I laid to get a closer look, and I see it, my sister and..
You?
What are you doing here?
For a moment, I'm still as a blade until your gaze averts to mine, your smile beaming from your laughter with my sister who's elated in your company.
And I, here, standing a few feet away before you, and you, there, with your beautiful blonde locks and your captivating emerald eyes that stares at me for so long until my walls break down. Now I realize, it really is you, it's you in your entirety. But my feet is frozen in place. Is it from the walk earlier?
I watch as you whisper something in my sister's ear, before she runs off somewhere and you watch her attentively and then your eyes meets mine again. The wind blows as you make your way toward me, and I can only watch. I can't move from where I am but it isn't like I want to, because it's you in front of me and I'm still trying to understand everything but your hand has already made its way to my cold, unsupervised cheek.
"Eiji," Your voice when you call my name—usually so hard, but when you lace it around my name, it feels as if you're meant to say it, as if my name is yours to claim. And it is, I am yours and everything about me is yours, after all. "You seem dazed, just woke up?" You asked.
Ash, ash, ash. I thought. Aslan. I open my mouth to speak, but a tear only left my eye, a tear that was threatening to drop but I never noticed. You didn't question it—you pull me into your arms again and I feel it, your warmth, everything overflowing around my body. It's really you. And I miss you. I miss you so much, Ash. I miss you more than anything.
"Remember what you told me?" I listen, even if your voice seems so far and vivid, I listen. "That I'm not alone, that your soul is always with me?" I look up and you bore your eyes into mine, I nod slowly and your lips form a lopsided smile. That smile that I love so much, god I love you so much and everything about you.
"What about it?" I hear myself speak.
"Well, here I am, right?" Your smirk shifts into a smile, a warm, loving smile. Oh, that smile of yours, Ash. I want to bury myself into you but I can't even move right now. You lean in and I feel your lips planting a soft kiss on my forehead with the bangs that you swept away beforehand. "I'll always be with you, Eiji." Your head drops to my shoulder, "Here, in your heart."
"I miss you, Ash." It's the only sentence I can utter out.
"I miss you too, Eiji." You pull away from me and everything around us were slowly collapsing in such a vivid way, that the only thing clear in my eyes is you. Don't go away.
"I'll be waiting for you."
—
I woke up from the sound of my phone blaring its ringtone; a bunch of calls from Ibe and Sing who were waiting outside the apartment for god knows why.
But I didn't do anything. I couldn't do anything. You invaded me again, my entirety as a person wholly. And fuck, I wasn't mad, I couldn't get mad, I was happy in that moment even if it was a dream, because it was you. It was you and I couldn't take it if it wasn't. My heart couldn't take anyone else no matter how many people told me to move on.
You told me you'll be waiting for me, but how? How were you going to wait? And what exactly were you waiting for? I couldn't understand. But I understood so clearly, everything you said to me, that you'll always be with me.
I'll always be with you, Eiji.
Your voice, even if it was fabricated by my subconscious, it still was as beautiful as I remembered it. And I missed it so much, I missed hearing you melt me into your words. I missed everything about you.
When I slip into another dream, would you be there again? Please be there again.
Because I miss you more than anything.