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Joshua walked through the garden that looked incredibly familiar to him. He remembered he had seen it before. It was a copy of the botanic garden of Cleveland, an image the Winchester boys had chosen for the Garden of the Lord. When Joshua turned he spotted Castiel sitting on the ground with his back resting against a tree.
The eyes of the younger angel were closed and he didn't seem aware of Joshua's presence. The older angel approached his younger sibling silently. Joshua had been watching Castiel for a while when the eyes of the young angel suddenly popped open.
“Joshua?” Cas said in awe when he stood up. He wondered how long the other angel had been standing there and how he had been able to find him at all.
“Castiel.” Joshua replied soft-spoken nodding his head in acknowledge. “This was what the humans called sleeping, wasn't it?” The older man asked with a light note of curiosity on his face.
For a moment Castiel considered lying, but then he found he couldn't do this to Joshua. He respected his brother too much. Joshua had been the only angel his father had spoken to after he had left heaven. God must have seen something special in the old angel so Castiel reluctantly admitted: “Yes, it was.”
“Interesting.” Joshua regarded Cas now with obvious favor and the younger one was wondering where this conservation was leading. Castiel was starting to feel uncomfortable under the thoughtful look Joshua was regarding him with.
“Your time as a human-being seems to have introduced you to some aspects of their lifestyle you still consider worthy of being archived. How do you accomplish sleep when you aren't in the need of it anymore? And how does it feel to sleep?”
Castiel glanced at Joshua warily. He had learned the hard way not to be fooled by the inconspicuous behavior of some of his siblings. He couldn't afford to show any weakness in front of his brothers and sisters when he wanted to be respected. This was also the reason why he tried to conceal the fact that he was not longer the same angel as before he had fallen.
But the only thing he could sense coming from Joshua was his honest interest in the topic, so again he decided to stay with the truth.
“Actually, I am not really sleeping anymore, it is more like an exercise in meditation. It may look like sleeping but in reality it is a state of rest, accomplished by shutting down the activity of my body and soul.” Castiel tried to explain.
“I see. But how does it feel?” Joshua insisted, wanting to understand.
“Peaceful.” Castiel replied simply, lacking a better answer. He didn't know how else he could describe the state he had been in.
Joshua nodded again. “I understand your desire to find a peaceful place from time to time. There is a lot of responsibility resting on your shoulders now that you are in charge of heaven. It is understandable for you to need some time to yourself.” For a moment Joshua paused before he continued. “If this is the only reason you backed out from your brothers and sisters. Personally, I think, there is more to it.”
“There is?” Castiel asked, dumbfounded. He was beginning to feel queasy again.
“Yes. I kept tabs on you, and I can't get rid of the impression that you are distraught by your decision to stay put here, to take on the responsibility when your innermost wish seems to be to go back to earth. You want to go back to him.” Joshua clarified and his eyes were trained on the younger angel without reproach. “You miss him.”
Castiel blinked nervously and swallowed hard, but he didn't deny knowing who Joshua was talking about. He considered, how to respond to Joshua without allowing the older angel too much more insight.
“Maybe I miss going hunting with them.” Castiel said, and tried to avoid Joshua's scrutiny.
“Hmm, maybe you do. But you can't deny your concern, especially for Dean. The bond the two of you share is more than profound… You love him... You are in love with him.” Joshua declared easily.
“Don't be ashamed of your feelings, Castiel.” Josuah said softly when the angel was looking away. “Take them as the wonder that they are.” He advised, with paternal ministration.
Cas sighed and blinked. He was confused by Joshua's obvious sympathy. Why should Joshua care about him at all? But even when he didn't understand Joshua's motives he knew with absolute clarity that the older angel didn't want to mislead him, that he could trust him.
“I am not sure of this - this feelings. I am not sure if I am really in love with him.” Castiel admitted finally. In some way he found it a relief that he could finally speak to someone about all of his complicated emotions.
“Hu, trust the expert knowledge of an old man. I recognize love when I see it. And I recognize a lover's grief too.” Joshua said with a gracious smile.
“But I shouldn't have to deal with something like this, Joshua. I am an angel of the Lord. We are not destined to fall in love. How could this be acceptable? How could this find the approval of our father?” Castiel exclaimed desperately when his mixed up feelings were getting the better of him, after having repressed them for so long.
“You must learn to accept your role, Castiel.” Joshua tried to explain Castiel the new status he was in, when he saw how much the young angel was suffering from his inner conflict. “You aren't one of the Lords ordinary angels anymore. Maybe we normally haven't got it in us to cut our own path. But you rebelled. You have made your own decisions and you clung to them when everything seemed lost. You did right and you did win. But no one breaks the rules to such an extent as you did and remains the same. Now you have to come to terms with the large-scale changes you have made.”
“But how am I supposed to act like an angel when I look at things and feel like a human-being?”
Joshua sighed in response to Castiel's stubbornness. 'Youth!' He thought. He knew Castiel wasn't even aware of how much he had taken on Dean's annoying behavior and slowly it taxed even his patience.
“You don't want to understand, do you?” He said a little louder than absolutely necessary. The irritated look on Castiel's face and the way he crocked his head to the side told him he was right.
“God had made you exactly the way you are. To such an extent it also means he has encouraged you to rebel against his rules. You have only done what was expected from you, Castiel. I really believe our father is proud of you. That's why he brought you back from death twice.”
“But why would he want something like this?” Castiel gestured helplessly at himself. His instinct told him he sounded childish but he couldn't help it.
“God knows! ” Joshua growled impatiently before he visibly calmed down again. “God moves in mysterious ways, so how should I be able to explain them to you?” He said more softly, when he sensed Castiel's uneasiness about his unexpected outburst.
“Like you said before, Castiel, he sent you back, new and improved. Maybe this is what we need. Mankind has changed over the years. Many of them have lost their faith in heaven and in God himself. We seem to be antiquated. Maybe you and your newly obtained understanding can make a difference. If we want to win this fight we are definitely in need of a new approach. And from my understanding of God you are the chosen one to lead us out of this time of chaos, Castiel.”
If this was meant to reassure him, it didn't help at all. For a moment, panic built up in Castiel's chest as the burden of responsibility lay even more heavily on his shoulders than before. When he started to sway he found it necessary to sit down on the ground again. Suddenly it felt like his heart rate was racing. It wasn't really possible since he was back to being an angel. But he remembered the odd feeling from the time when he was fallen, and now he was experiencing it again. Maybe Joshua was right and this had been some process of evolution for him.
“Don't be afraid, little brother.” In a gesture that was meant to encourage him Joshua laid a hand on Castiel's shoulder. “Our father might has forsaken us but he had placed his trust in you to prevent heaven from destruction.” Tenderly, he gave Castiel's shoulder a squeeze. When the young angel lifted his head and looked him in the eye, Joshua nodded at him with a warm smile.
“Don't deny who you are, Castiel. Don't deny the part of you where 'Cas' still exists. You never again will be the angel you once have been. You've had experiences no other angel has ever had before, so do not try to hide them.” He tried to reason with the younger man. “Your acknowledgment of humanity is nothing to be afraid of, Castiel. Like I've said before, it is what makes you different. Derive advantage from it and use it wisely and let Dean give you the strength you need to do so.” Joshua said with a paternal look on his face and some kind of tenderness.
At Castiel's doubtful and surely surprised look Joshua continued softly: “Don't forget he is also a part of you as you are a part of him. You raised him from perdition and marked him with your brand. His soul and your grace have been meant for each other since then. Your love for each other will help you to fight whatever may come. You only need to find a way to allow yourself to take a break every now and then from your service to heaven and have a little... hmm... I think the word I am looking for is … fun, isn't it?” Joshua looked inquiringly at Castiel.
For a moment Castiel was taken aback by the unexpected human-term used by the older angel. But then he couldn't help but chuckle. It felt surprisingly good.
“Yes, I think this could be considered adequate.” Castiel agreed, still smiling while he stood up again. He remembered Dean had used the word some time ago before he went to a bar looking to flirt.
“Good.” Joshua said with a self-contend grin when he looked the other angel in the eye. He found Castiel's sudden lightheartedness a good sign. Maybe the young one would now accept his destiny? Joshua hoped so.
“Then you should stop brooding, little brother,” he said. “I am sure you have somewhere else to be.” Joshua gave Castiel a good-natured wink, before he vanished into thin air.
Automatically Castiel nodded in agreement, a soft smile on his face. It was night on earth at the moment and the slight prickle on his skin told Castiel that Dean was dreaming again. This time, Castiel promised to himself, he wouldn't just stick around to watch out of a corner when Dean and his anticipated counterpart were having sex. This time he would attract Dean's attention and after that he would learn what the human-term of 'making love' really meant.
With a nagging feeling of excitement he left heaven to meet up with a certain hunter who had changed the circumstances of his whole existence forever.
The End
© Athor / aka Jimmy