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"Baby, that's Gracie's shovel" I cooed to Jack. I was crouching next to the sandpit where the little guy and some other kids were playing. "Give her back, they have to go now" I tried to pursue him, with zero effect.
Jack was not having a good day. He woke up crying in the morning, and he hadn't been his waggish self since then. We didn't have a case luckily, but Aaron had to go in for some chef meeting, so the two of us were left alone for the first half of the day. I figured that maybe some playing down in the playground would cheer Jack up, so after he had his snack around ten, I offered him to go.
"Jack, please give back the girl her toy," I asked again, this time with a stronger tone. He looked at me angrily, then tossed the named plastic shovel in the direction of his playmate. "Hey" I exclaimed immediately, grabbing his wrist. "That was rude, buddy. Say sorry to Gracie" I asked him firmly. The little girl took her toy from the ground and stood there hesitantly. Jack said nothing, but stood up and ran away.
"I'm so sorry, he just doesn't feel so good today," I said to Grace's mother as I stood up from the sandpit.
"That's okay" she smiled at me. "Happens to all of us. Take care" she said goodbye.
As they walked away, I sighed, my eyes wandering around the playground to find my little angry elf. I suddenly saw his shoe sticking out from a small cave under the climber tower. I walked up to him, wanting to scold him for his behavior, but when I kneeled down on the rubber, I saw that Jack pulled up his legs, hugged them, and was crying on his knees.
"Baby," I whispered. I stretched my arm to reach and caress him, but when my palm touched his skin, he moved away. My heart clenched. "Tell me what's wrong, honey," I asked anyway.
"I don't want to,” he murmured angrily, turning his back on me.
"Then just come out, and I'll hug you” I kept trying, but to be honest, my hope was fading for this to end smoothly.
"I don't want your hug, I want my mom and her hug” he stated after a little while. We had to go home, it was clear.
"We'll talk about it, okay? But it's time to go home. You're tired, baby. Come, let's go” I tried to encourage him, without any effect.
"You're not my mom, I'm not going home with you” he shouted at me, crying. I felt totally frozen and shocked, but there wasn't time for my feelings. I had to manage the situation.
"Jack, coming home is not about who I am to you. Please, just…”
He didn't let me finish as he suddenly tried to rush out of the little cave. Luckily there was only one hole, so to run out he had to pass by me - to which of course I reacted quickly. I grabbed Jack by his abdomen as he was near and immediately raised him up.
"Put me down, you're not my mom" he screamed, wiggling, kicking, and slapping my chest.
"I know that I'm not, Jack. But to leave this place we have to reach the car, which you clearly aren't willing to do by yourself. If I put you down, I'll leave you right in this spot, so unless you want to get home alone and on your own two feet, you better stop crying and shouting in my ear, boy" I said angrily, holding him a bit away from my body to look him in the eye. He frowned and looked at me so hatefully I'd never have seen him before, but immediately became silent; only his unwilling hiccups remained, as a remnant of his loud sobs. "That's how I thought," I nodded. I'd never have rushed out of a playground so fast in my life.
Jack fell asleep in the car, so my only job was to get him in his bed without waking up. Managing to do it was the most relieving thing of my day.
Feelings grabbed me right the second I closed the nursery's door behind myself. The silence echoing in the house just made my thoughts sound louder. More specifically, Jack's voice. As he was shouting I wasn't his mom.
I walked to the sink in the kitchen to make myself some tea, but I couldn't see the room from behind my tears. Somehow I walked into the living room and fell on the couch, pressing my palm on my mouth so that my bursting sobs would not awaken the sleeping kid. All I could do was replay the happenings in my head and feel it eating me up.
"I'm home!" I heard Hotch's firm voice from the corridor's direction about half an hour later. I wasn't sobbing anymore, only silent tears were falling from my eyes.
My body froze immediately; I thought his meeting would last so much longer, and he wouldn't see me with eyes cried red. I wiped my skin as dry as I could and patted my under eyes a bit to reduce the swollenness - with zero effect of course.
I heard Hotch entering the room, but luckily my state wasn't the first thing he noticed as I was sitting with my back towards the entrance of the living room. I lowered my head and tried to prepare for what was coming.
"The conference was a nightmare, thank God it ended like an hour earlier than they originally planned," he said enthusiastically. "Strauss seemed so tired, even her hands trembled which I've never seen before. It must be something with her health, I'm sure. She was absent for two weeks, and nobody knew anything about her. Somehow I'm starting to worry as well."
He paced around in the room but was only seated next to me after he put his badge into the drawer. I remained silent because I was afraid that my weak voice would give me away. I knew, of course, that it couldn't be avoided for long until he found out what was going on.
"You okay, baby? You're so quiet" he turned to me, putting his palm on my knee. I sighed a little, then I looked at him desperately. He immediately sat closer, gasping. "Ada, your eyes are burning. Since when have you been crying? Hey, come here" he said tenderly while putting his arm through my shoulders and pulling me in on his chest. I felt my throat tighten again, tears ran into my eyes. I knew every nerve in his body was on edge to find out what happened, but I appreciated the comforting silence. He held me for some long minutes, then pulled away a bit.
"Let me bring you tissues and water" he breathed on my temple, before pressing a kiss on my skin. I nodded lightly but didn't dare to look him in the eye. He really hurried and returned with full hands. In one he had a glass of water and a bunch of tissues, but in the other, I saw some clothing.
"I wet a cloth. The cold helps with the swelling" he commented as handed me the said textile. "Drink a bit," he asked, giving me the glass as well. I blinked at him gracefully as I raised it to my lips. A few sips after I put it down on the coffee table and laid my head back on his shoulder where it was before. The cold cloth pressed on my eyes really felt good; somehow it made me relaxed.
"Is it work-related?" Aaron asked quietly, as his fingers were drawing circles on my back. I shook my head.
"Is it friend-related?" Same movement.
The next question came more carefully than the previous ones.
"Is it… family related?" I hesitated but nodded in the end. I heard a small sigh leaving the man's lips.
"Is it me?" he asked. Of course. I signed no with my head and tightened my hug around him to make him feel how silly that question was.
"Is it your mother? Or your father? Jessica?" he kept asking as I shook my head each and every time.
"Aaron, it's Jack," I said finally. I removed the cloth from under my eyes and sat up to be able to catch his dark gaze. He looked honestly surprised. He cupped my face tenderly, his thumb brushed my skin while I gained some energy to tell what happened today. He was so careful, so patient, it literally tore my heart apart.
"He threw a tantrum at the playground" I sighed. "He had a terrible day anyway, so it wasn't surprising, but…" I lowered my head before continuing. "I wanted to soothe him, but he wanted to run away, so I had to literally catch him. He kept crying and repeating that I'm not his mom. I had to be so strict with him, I think I'd never talked to him like I did today."
"Ada" Hotch pulled me closer, this time by my cheek. He pressed his forehead to mine, his slow, warm breath making me feel calmer. Every touch of his radiated sorrow, care, and tenderness, for which I was unbelievably thankful.
"Please don't let it…" he wanted to say, but I pulled away and resisted immediately.
"I know it's not his fault, obviously it's not. But I just can't stop thinking about that maybe… am I not good enough? Am I not doing this well enough?" I looked upon him, waiting for some reassurance.
"You are enough, love. You're doing it amazing" he whispered enthusiastically. He came even closer and pulled up his legs on the couch to sit cross-legged. Our thighs met, I sensed the warmth of his body happily. My gaze jumped on the shiny, wine-like red color of his tie. I reached the fabric and loosened it around his neck, just to have some occupation for my trembling hands.
"If I'd done it right, Jack wouldn't have screamed in the middle of a playground" I murmured. "I've never had kids. I don't know how to handle these situations" I added quietly. As I redid his tie, I pulled it off of his neck. My fingers then unbuttoned the first two buttons of his shirt, I looked him in the eye only after that.
"No, if I'd done it right" Hotch sighed. "It was supposed to be my role to help you get along. And I just abandoned it."
I shook my head determinedly, but couldn't say anything. I threw my leg through his thighs, by that, literally crawling into his hug. Aaron put his palm on my leg in reverse, carefully traveling up and down while I clearly heard his mind racing.
"Look," he said quietly. "Yes, we have some issues going on. But it's nothing we can't manage together. We'll talk more about Haley to him, and insist that you're not here for replacement, but for moving on and loving him just like she did. If it's okay for you too, of course." The little speech finished with a kiss pressed into my hair.
"It doesn't matter what is okay for me. He was right, Aaron, I'm not his mother" I replied in frustration.
"Love, were you even listening to me in the last ten minutes?" he asked a few seconds of surprised silence later. "It's not a competition between you and Haley. You don't have to live up to a memory. Healing is a process, not a straight line. Jack must have dreamt about her which made him upset. It has nothing to do with you or your parenting capabilities. You're doing everything in your power, Ada, and let me tell you, you're nailing it." I got another kiss, this time at my temple. "We'll talk a lot, we'll have tons of family programs and we'll keep Haley's memory alive. And we are going to be fine."
"And a family" I hummed with closed eyes, concentrating on his low voice and the warmth of his body. He pulled me closer for which I was grateful.
"And a family" I felt him nodding. I believed him.