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Sometimes when you're out there at a scene, you can't see the direct consequences of your actions, only the further good you're making.
As I was standing in front of an unsub, who held a little girl in one of his hands but was pointing a gun straight at me with the other, I couldn't think about anything else either. I was talking and talking, saying anything and everything that came up to my mind and could make the man release the kid. He was killing kids because he lost his wife in a house fire, caused by their son; he wanted to punish every child for this tragedy. The little girl he was holding was his third victim, but luckily we were able to track him down so fast.
Even though we tracked him, we found three places where he could be at. The third one, a barn a little outside of the city, came out of the blue when the team was already split up between the workplace and the home. I was heading towards the latter when the call came in - and I learned that I was only five minutes from the barn. I turned the wheel and with only my gun by my side, I drove to the building.
I was desperate, when minutes, maybe half an hour passed even, but I wasn't able to make any progress with the unsub. He held on, cried, and wanted to kill not only the girl by then but himself too. At that time I was fighting for the girl only. I wanted to pursue him to let her go and then do whatever he wanted.
Everything happens too fast when the adrenalin flows through your veins in situations tense like that was. Screaming, gunshot, tiny body in my arms, shouting, tears, more screaming, suddenly crowded place, people around us, chattering, someone touching my shoulder, enough strength to open my eyes.
"It's okay, I got you. It's over, he's not gonna hurt you. It's okay baby," I murmured into the hair of the little girl, who, it turned out, ran into my arms when a team rushed into the barn and shot the unsub. She was the one I felt crying. I immediately lifted her and headed towards the door to find an ambulance car.
As I was rushing outside, I saw Rossi and Prentiss - they were our saviors. When they caught my gaze, David nodded, accompanied by a sad smile on Emily's lips.
I got back to the police station before they did, but apart from them and Aaron, the whole team was already there. And they had all heard what had happened. They all stood around me, asked if I was okay, if I was hurt anywhere, or needed anything. I thanked them and reassured everyone that I felt fine, and for my part, the affair was closed.
Minutes, almost half an hour passed without events, but without our missing team members arriving back as well. Alex and I started to work on the case file, chatting about nonsenses at our shared desk. Suddenly I sensed some motion from the door's direction, and curiously lifted my head just to see the quartet of JJ, Aaron, David, and Emily talking outside at the entrance. Hotch seemed tense as ever, I guessed he stopped Jennifer to ask her if I had been back already. Alex noticed them too and looked at me worried, but I could only roll my eyes at her.
I knew this wasn't going to be funny right at the second when Aaron tore the door open and rushed in. As he approached us, Blake patted me on my knees, and while giving Hotch a firm look as well, she stood up and joined the others, who gathered at the other side of the room.
"What on Earth have you been thinking?" Hotch came at me and though he was fighting not to be too loud, he was almost shouting. I saw JJ spin around behind his back.
"I was thinking about the little girl and that this is my job" I replied. I couldn't believe that of everyone else, he was scolding me the most. Me of everyone else.
"But without a vest, Adélise? Without backup? I just can't imagine what could have happened if Emily and David don't find you in time" he yelled. I was shivering in my whole body from the tense feelings and the heated situation. "You could've died right at the spot!" He continued mercilessly. I knew that every single person in the room was watching us.
"But I didn't," I resisted in a shaking voice. "What is your problem?" I stood up and looked at him in disbelief. The others and the office itself completely disappeared. It was only Hotchner and me, fighting, which we never did.
"My problem is that you were willing to sacrifice yourself," he barked.
"Aren't we all in this goddamn bureau?" I spread my hands wide open.
"Yes, but not like stupid, irresponsible children" he spat in my face. My jaw dropped not just by his words but his tone as well. I felt the temperature drop in the room, his words causing dead silence.
"Okay, that's it, take some time to chill down, then we’ll talk" I murmured, and started to pack my things into my bag. I did not intend to do this any further.
"Agent Gagnard…" he warned.
"Oh, don't agent me" I snapped straight. Aaron looked at me with disbelief in his eyes.
"We continue this in private," he said firmly, in an adamant tone.
I lowered my head as I scoffed. I just couldn't believe what was happening. He didn't make a move so I assumed he was waiting for me to do so. After a few moments of collecting my energy, I headed for the first office nearby.
"I can't leave you alone for one minute, can I?" he asked immediately as he closed the door behind himself. He walked up to me and stood close. His eyes were burning in anger, almost flashing bolts of lightning at me.
"Before it further escalates, a quick reminder for you, that you're not my father. Use that amazing profiling skill of yours" I looked into his dark brown gaze with narrowed eyes.
"You're not allowed to talk to me like that," he hissed quietly, but it was so much worse than if he would shout. He stepped one step closer, so I could throw my angry reply right in his face.
"Oh so I'm not allowed to talk to you like this in private, but you can call me a child in front of anyone and everyone? You know what? If you're allowed to throw a tantrum in front of the team and a bunch of strangers, then I can talk to you however I want" I raged, pointing with my arm towards the door.
Hotchner bit on his lower lip. He was so furious I'd never have seen him before. He backed as his hand ran through his hair.
"Are we finished?" I asked. "Can I go and continue my job or do you need some more time to shout at me?"
"I should take your badge and gun," Aaron said, not even looking at me this time. I couldn't believe my ears.
"I thought the last time anyone punished me was back in elementary school," I said, almost laughing in disbelief.
"I'm not p-" he tried to say, but I snapped his sentence in half.
"Yeah, you're just desperately furious over nothing" I threw at him. He caught my eye, but it was late. I didn't care anymore at all. "Good news, I am angry too," I said, and as the conversation was finished for me, I turned around, slammed the door behind myself, and rushed out of the office without even glancing at the others, who (surely) stood astonished in the middle of the room.
At the end of the day, I withdrew to the hotel room (that we shared with Aaron by the way). I was sure I wouldn't be able to sleep, so wisely I bought some pasta on the way back to keep my brain and hands busy. As I learned (when Alex called to check up on me) that the team decided to spend the night in town and only would leave the next morning.
Yet, Hotch was nowhere to be found, even though it was nearly midnight when I was still standing in the kitchenette. I leaned to the counter with my hips while I was waiting for the food to get cooked. My mind was captivated, but not with the almost mechanical movements I was making the late dinner with. I was unable to think of anything but our quarrel. All anger was gone by that time, only sadness and guilt remained to torment me. I wanted Hotch to come back and sit down to talk. I needed him the most, even when we were the ones with problems.
I was already mixing the pasta with the sauce I made, when finally I heard noises from the entrance’s direction. Only a few seconds had passed, then suddenly I felt arms locking around my waist carefully, pulling me back a bit just for my back to meet with a firm chest. I felt lips planting a slow kiss on my temple. I heard slow breathing and sensed great sadness - which I obviously understood and shared. I sighed deeply.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Hotch murmured numerous times. "I was unprofessional and unfair with you." Tears ran into my eyes as my hands grabbed his on my body.
"I'm sorry too. I was disrespectful, and I said awful things" I sighed. I felt him shaking his head immediately.
"You were just reacting to my actions", he said, but I was ready with my answer. I turned around to face him, my arms glided up to his neck.
"As you were too. Your feelings were talking out of you. It was totally understandable and I should have taken it into account." As I was speaking, my fingers slowly stroked the tiny hair on his nape. His sad eyes met with mine, but his hold pulled me closer in.
"I shouldn't have crossed the lines. I was your boss out there, not your partner" Hotch explained, tucking a string of hair behind my ear.
"There are situations when it's inevitable. When you can't help being the latter. I should've seen that you were acting as my partner and just appreciate that you were worried for me." I cupped his cheek with my right hand and pulled him close. The silence was heavy, but the feelings that made it feel like that seemed to dissolve. We didn't kiss, just were processing the day behind us. This time I felt Aaron sighing deeply.
"I hate fighting with you" I murmured, pulling back a little to be able to look him in the eye. My thumb caressed his skin lightly.
"I hate myself for fighting with you" he breathed back, which made me frown.
"Aaron?" I asked back, scanning every little detail on his profile.
"I was like my father. And I don't want to be like him" he shook his head and wanted to free himself from my hold; if I would let it, but I only tightened my hug around him.
"You're not like your father," I said slowly, articulating heavily. I put my finger under his chin to make him look at me.
"I acted like him," Hotch breathed sadly. I shook my head.
"You were scared and upset," I insisted. “You acted like a man who was afraid for his other half. Your father would never.” I pressed a slow, tender kiss on his lips, but as he remained silent, I felt the need to continue. "Aaron, people are allowed to feel anger and rage and fury and you name it, even if their father was an abusive bastard" I added.
"Not if there's a chance they turn into him" he breathed. I couldn’t believe what he was talking about.
"There isn't a chance in your case" I stated immediately. Aaron scoffed. "Baby” I sighed a little. “You fight against this side of your heritage as hard as I've never seen anyone. You are not your father. You are allo… we are allowed to fight. You know, why? Because we are able to work this out, talk about it, and find a solution. Every time. And we are going to work on this issue as well. I won’t stop repeating that you’re just the opposite of your father until you believe me” I nodded.
“I love you” he murmured gratefully, before kissing me again.