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Huang Zitao, for the first time in his life, feels powerless. Completely and utterly powerless. Sad, lost, angry, torn, insignificant, and powerless.
He knows that maybe, he's over-reacting; that maybe, he's over-thinking this; that maybe, he's being pathetic. But, as he curls up on his warm, inviting bed in his shared dorm, surrounded by the familiar scene of clothes, toys and books scattered everywhere in the dark, comforted by the reassuring scent of his dorm-mate's too strong sandalwood cologne, he thinks that maybe, just this once, he's allowed to over-react; allowed to over-think; allowed to be pathetic.
Tao stares at his phone screen, its harsh brightness lighting up the darkened dorm and maybe bringing tears to his eyes or maybe that's because of what he's reading. He doesn't know any more. He's past the point of caring.
Blurred messages of 'Get well soon!' and 'Please don't leave...' and 'We are one!' and other variations in various languages meet his eyes as he scrolls slowly down his news feed. A notification pops up, indicating he has yet another text from baba, and he ignores it again. He's not in the mood. He probably never will be, but he knows he'll have to talk about this some time. But for now, ignoring the problem gives him some semblance of control and power, even if the mere thought of it might cause his eyes to prickle with wetness again so he focuses on blindly reading the various messages from fans and supporters.
Then there are the shouts from outside his dorm. They'd been going at it since their manager had given them the message, and apparently they were finally reaching the crescendo. They gradually got closer and closer; louder and louder, and Tao continues to ignore them because hearing his friends fighting over him won't make him feel any better. It only hastens to make him feel worse.
It finally ends when he hears someone - Sehun, he notes blindly - yell, 'Think about how he feels!' and there's silence for a beat, aside from the steady ticking of the clock on the wall like a countdown, and then there's someone stomping down the hallway and the door is flung open. Light bursts into the room and Tao actually hisses, curling up further into a ball (and ignoring the twinge that shoots up his leg from that), shielding his phone and glaring at his dorm-mate.
Sehun looks scarily calm, despite having just stormed away from the rest of the band and almost breaking down their door. Tao wishes he had that emotional control, instead of being the hysterical mess he's just about holding together. But he goes back to flicking languidly through his newsfeed with tears trickling down his face, uncaring whether Sehun notices them or not.
A minute passes in silence and Tao almost looks up to see if Sehun has left, but then the door closes with a soft click and the room is plunged once more into darkness. He doesn't have time to question it - not that he would have, considering the functionality of his voice was likely extremely low - before he feels his bed dip with added weight and sandalwood cologne floods his senses. His phone drops somewhere on his bed but Tao doesn't complain. Sehun wraps his arms around Tao's waist, mindful of his injury, and he can just about make out his dorm-mate's worried expression.
"How are you?" Sehun speaks lowly, quietly, and he's grateful for that. But Tao doesn't respond; it's a stupid question anyway. Sehun gets that, giving him a small smile and a low chuckle. He doesn't need Tao to vocalise that; he knows.
Tao simply closes his eyes and inhales deeply. The flow of tears isn't stopping. If Sehun does notice them he doesn't mention it, instead continuing quietly.
"Junmyeonnie is stressing out, Taozi." He doesn't blame their leader. The hole left by Yifan and Luhan's departures hasn't yet healed and now Tao is bringing this upon them once more. Junmyeon, ever the motherly figure, doesn't want the hole to rip apart anymore; doesn't want to endure another goodbye; doesn't want EXO to be torn apart. Tao doesn't want it either. He doesn't think any of the members do. "He's stressing and panicking," says Sehun. "And Yeol and Baek aren't helping much. They keep mentioning Kris and LuLu, which stresses Myeonnie out even more. I don't think they mean to." They probably don't. The entire band is still a little touchy about the two but they have to move on without them. And Tao realises, with a wrench of his heart, that they'll move on from him too if he leaves.
The tears flow quicker.
"Taozi…" Sehun murmurs, expression not concerned or pitying. He simply looks curious. Tao finds it refreshing.
"My…" Tao starts, voice hoarse from disuse and he coughs and continues, "baba still wants me to go back to China." The 'and leave EXO' is unspoken, but understood. Sehun doesn't say anything for a while, then almost tentatively says,
"He doesn't want you hurt."
Tao practically scoffs: he knows this.
"If you say he wants what's best for me--" Tao's voice cracks a little and he can't stop a small sob from breaking out. Everyone says his father just wants him safe and happy, but Tao maybe doesn't want to be safe if it means leaving EXO.
"I wasn't going to." Sehun hugs him a little tighter.
"But the fans want me to stay," Tao states pathetically.
"Of course." Sehun looks at him curiously, staring him right in the eye. "But what about you?"
Tao squirms under the gaze and buries his face in Sehun's shirt. The familiar scent reassures him that he's still here; nothing's set in stone yet and nothing's changed yet. It's still the same.
But Sehun wants a reply. He pulls him in a little closer, squeezes him gently but then pushes him away slightly. "You, Zitao. What do you want?"
Tao doesn't respond for a while, and the tear streaks start to dry on his face. He's been trying to put off thinking about it. The more he thought, the more eminent the problem. But he's torn and he feels like maybe he doesn't have the power to make the choice. Maybe what he wants isn't important to the wider world.
"I…" Tao starts shakily, "I don't know." And it is the truth. He tries to get his words together. "I want… to fulfil my dream. But it hurts. I'm injured and while I put up with it… it hurts. Baba knows that. And… if I don't stop now, stop performing, I-I could…" Tao hiccups and the tears start up again. Sehun holds him close and murmurs a quick, 'shh… it's okay…' and Tao briefly wonders how he's the youngest since he's so often this mature.
Tao tries again. "I… want to listen to Baba and rest, because I-I don't know how long I can put u-up with the p-pain before I break…" he stutters out and admitting it hurts more than he'd thought. He shakes his head and sobs into Sehun's chest. "B-but…" he sniffles, "I'm torn because I want to continue while I have the chance and be a star a-and make the fans happy because I don't want to let them down and all the hyungs wouldn't be able to stand it but you'll probably move on and you'll forget me and I don't think EXO will… will…" By this point his mouth is just spewing out words and he's not sure whether he's actually making a point or not. He feels so overwhelmed by everything; all his feelings and thoughts rushing out of him all at once, but he needs to get this out or he'll feel weak and powerless forever.
"Tao…" Sehun breathes, but Tao isn't done.
"But most importantly… I want to be a-able to make people happy. W-with EXO I can… because with our music… I-in China I might lose the opportunity to do it on the same scale… I might make baba and mama happy, and I want that, but I want to follow my dream and what if I leave EXO then can't get signed to anyone? Then I'll have lost what I worked so hard for and I don't think I could stand that a-and--"
"Hyung," Sehun cuts him off. "I know you're conflicted, and I understand why. But honestly, hyung? You've been on a hiatus for the past two months. Your injuries are getting better, but they probably won't be good enough to perform with for at least another few months, unless you want to make it worse." It hurts when Sehun puts it that way but Tao knows he's speaking the truth. Tao himself knew; he just refused to acknowledge it. It doesn't stop him from crying though. "Hyung, we would miss you. Of course we would. And we'd have to move on, you know this. But honestly, we could never forget you. Nobody would. It wouldn't feel right, ever, without you. I speak for everyone. We are one, after all." Tao gives a half laugh, half sob at this. "But hyung, why would you ever think you wouldn't get signed again? You're amazing, honestly. And even on the off chance you aren't signed you'd do well in anything you put your head into, hyung. Because you persevere. 'Nothing in this world is impossible to you', remember?"
Tao remembers.
And he cries some more, because Sehun has a way of making him feel better and crying is helping. He doesn't feel so lost, or insignificant, or powerless. So he cries it out, curled up on his bed, warm and comfy, surrounded by familiarity and Sehun wrapped around him, silent but understanding and maybe Tao isn't being pathetic. He just needed some time to work it out.
And maybe he falls asleep like this, tears drying slowly on his skin, lulled to a dream of pandas and singing and Sehun by his dorm-mate's steady, constant pulse and sandalwood cologne.
The next morning, when sunlight is streaming through the bottom of the curtains, Tao might be woken by the familiarity of Jongdae and Baekhyun shouting and laughing about a race, or breakfast, or eyeliner and Kyungsoo yelling at them to ‘calm down’ and ‘stop running indoors’, and while he may have tears stained on his cheeks, he feels so much better and he finds himself laughing a little because maybe this will end okay.
This might wake Sehun up so Sehun groggily opens his eyes to be met with Tao smiling. He smiles a little himself and asks, "So, what are you going to do?" The question doesn't ruin Tao's mood like it had the day before.
"I don't know," Tao replies and Sehun knows that isn't the truth, and that is completely fine with him.