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The coffee had gone cold long ago. Not that it mattered. Joker hadn’t touched it. Instead, he’d been staring into the mug until the steam had disappeared. He wasn’t even sure why he’d ask Pressly to make it for him in the first place. He hadn’t been feeling like his usual self since Feros and the thought of drinking the coffee had turned his stomach.
For a brief moment, he considered that maybe the Thorian had survived and he was under its influence somehow. Could the alien lifeform reach him across the galaxy like that? Probably not, but then again, there wasn’t a guidebook when it came to telepathic plant life.
In the end, Kaidan was the one who named the feeling of unease he felt the moment they landed on a new planet.
Shepard.
Since Eden Prime, whenever the ground team left to complete their mission, there were moments when Joker sat at the helm and wondered if it would be the last time he saw any of them again. Feros had given him a moment of panic when he’d been unable to raise any of the squad on the comms. Worst case scenarios played in his head while he waited, impatiently, for any sign of life.
He should’ve been used to it by now. So many times had Shepard and her team left his ship, only to return back bloodied and bruised, but alive. Hell, he even remembered that awful time on Akuze when everyone but Shepard died. She still suffered panic attacks years later. But now…
Joker never realized how attached he’d gotten to seeing Shepard alive and well until Feros. He’d been separated from her for nearly five days and that entire time had been torture. He had tried to clamor out of his seat the moment she was back aboard, sweaty and stinking but no worse for wear. She had to settle him back down into the chair before he hurt himself, reassuring him that she was unharmed.
That was nearly three hours ago.
With a sigh, Joker put his head on the table, ignoring the crew that left from eating their evening meal to return to their workstations. He hadn’t seen or heard from Shepard in those three hours. She’d been taking the time to clean up and update the appropriate channels of what had happened on Feros. Something he still wasn’t sure of himself.
Alenko slid onto the chair across from him, the mess silent as the last of the marines filed out. He had a look of contemplation on his face and it made Joker uneasy. He didn’t like that look aimed in his direction. It usually ended in a conversation where he revealed something personal and from his experience, being personal ended badly for him.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t smart enough to heed his own warning.
“Is.. is she alright?”
Kaidan glanced over Joker’s shoulder to where the door to her cabin was, closed to keep out the rest of the crew. She hadn’t left since using the shower. “Physically, yes. It was intense down there. But she’s got a lot to deal with.”
“So it was a clusterfuck?” The way Williams had described it, the entire mess on Feros had Saren’s hands all over it. He couldn’t wait until they caught up to that asshole and made him pay.
Kaidan’s mouth twitched with a shadow of a grin. “Something like that.” The lieutenant leaned forward, resting his arms on the table between them. “Joker, if you’re worried about her, you should go knock.”
Joker picked his head up, glancing around the room to make sure they were still alone. “Are you insane? And if someone sees me knocking on her door?”
“No one is going to think anything of it. You’ve known her longer than any of us.” Kaidan raised an eyebrow at Joker’s nervousness. “Why? Did you want something to happen?”
He huffed, ignoring the flare of color that was burning under his collar. “The one person on this damned ship who is more against fraternization than you is-”
“Shepard.” Kaidan replied with a small nod, knowing where Joker’s thoughts had gone. But his eyebrow was still raised curiously in his direction and this time it was accompanied by a grin.
“Yeah. And I’m not about to mess with a good thing.” His thoughts turn a twisted turn. “Besides, if we kissed a little too rough, I’d probably break my neck.”
“Joker-”
“It’s true, Kaidan, and you know it.”
An uncomfortable silence fell between them, both thinking about his words. He hated to admit it, but Joker wished that he had never befriended Shepard all of those years ago on Arcturus. Maybe then he wouldn’t have these feelings. Maybe he wouldn’t have to pretend that his fear over Feros was only a friend’s concern, a subordinate wishing for the return of his commander.
“You should say something to her, Joker.” Kaidan said, interrupting his mind’s ramblings. The smile had disappeared, only to be replaced by concern. Ugh .
“What do you expect me to say?” Joker pinched the bridge of his nose, frustration mounting. “Hey, Shepard. Just wanted to check in and see if the zombies got a bite. Oh, and by the way, I’m in love with you.”
“Uh, Jeff-”
Joker met Kaidan’s wide eyes. “Yeah, I know. It sounds stupid .”
Kaidan shook his head, pointing at a fixed spot over Joker’s shoulder. The pilot stiffened, realizing how fucked he was before he even looked. When he got the nerve to glance over his shoulder, the sight of Aurora Shepard standing there, blue eyes wide in shock, was almost too much to handle. He could hear Alenko make his escape from the mess, his boots scraping against the floor as he ran like the coward he was.
Rubbing the back of his neck, Joker let out a nervous laugh, trying to hide how mortified he was in that very moment. “Hey, Commander.”
The shock smoothly disappeared from her face at the sound of his voice. “You wanted to talk?”
“Yeah, but no worries if you don’t have time-”
Aurora nodded her head back towards her cabin, an expectant look on her face. “I always have time for my crew.”
Joker sighed as she returned to her room and he did the only thing he could when Shepard hailed him: follow. He limped into her cabin, the cane in his hand the only thing keeping him steady as he waited for the dressing down he was no doubt going to get. At least he wasn’t visibly shaking.
The door slid closed with a hiss behind him, cutting them off from the rest of the ship and crew. Her back was to him, shoulders hunched from exhaustion, her blonde hair slightly damp from the shower she’d taken. He didn’t know if this conversation was going to be easier if she didn’t look at him, but he was terrified of losing her more than he was of getting transferred to another ship. He loved the Normandy and he was meant to fly her, but his friendship with Aurora Shepard extended well beyond the ship.
He wasn’t ready to say goodbye.
“Look, Commander, what you heard back there…” He paused, finding that his mouth was suddenly dry. “I can explain-”
“Jeff.”
“You, uh, know me and my jokes.”
“ Jeff. ” Her voice was hard, cold which meant no argument or excuse was going to save him. He shut his mouth before he got himself into even more trouble. She turned, eyes downcast as if she was afraid to meet his gaze. “Just stop.”
He nodded, not that she noticed.
Shepard walked to the small desk in the corner of her cabin, leaning her back against it. Her arms were crossed over her chest, but she still wouldn’t meet his eyes. After a painfully long minute, she sighed, finally glancing up. “When I was planetside, there were moments where I figured it would be easier to nuke the entire place from orbit. The things that were done to the colonists there. I can’t describe it even if I wanted to.”
“You wouldn’t have,” Joker managed as a quiet response. At first, he thought she hadn’t heard him. She was silent for some time before speaking again.
“No, but I can admit that it would’ve been easier. Probably kinder.” She brushed a hand through her loose hair, glancing at the datapads on her desk. She probably had piles of reports to finish before they returned to the Citadel and he was only adding to her stress.
Clinging onto that like a lifeline, Joker shifted between his feet nervously. “I can leave if you’ve got work to do.”
Please tell me to go.
Those eyes fell on him, as blue as the Earth’s oceans that the Alliance liked to brag about in their tourism campaigns. Oceans that Joker would’ve liked to see someday, if they lived through this.
“Do you want to go?”
No.
Joker took a small step back, leaning heavily on his cane. His mouth wouldn’t move to form an answer and he stared at Shepard with a dumb look on his face. “Uh-”
“Look, Jeff. I can pretend that I didn’t hear what you said in the mess, but I think it would be a disservice to our friendship if I did.” She dropped her hands down to grip the sides of the desk behind her.
He felt a flash of irritation erupt in his chest. Joker did the thing he always did when put in a position he didn’t like being in. He went on the offense. “A disservice? Fine. You want to know the truth. Here it is, Aurora. I’m falling in love with you. In fact, I’ve probably been in love with you for years!”
Aurora glanced away, focusing on something near her bed so she wouldn’t have to look at him while he poured his heart out. It only angered him more.
“And yeah, you’re my friend, but you’re also my superior officer. So what the hell am I supposed to do with these feelings?” He slammed the cane in his hand on the ground, nearly buckling at the impact. “I don’t think I can stop loving you.”
Aurora chewed on her bottom lip, a habit that Joker knew meant she was thinking hard about his words. He was itching to run, hide in his bunk or bury himself in work to avoid making more of a fool of himself, but he found he couldn’t move. He could only wait and watch.
When she finally turned to him again, a small smile played on her lips. As if she finally came to terms with something. “Jeff- maybe I’m ok with that.”
“With what?” He asked, dumbly. Good job, Moreau.
Shepard chuckled slightly, taking a few steps towards him. “With you being in love with me. Maybe I secretly hoped for that. Maybe… maybe I love you too.”
If it was physically possible, Joker was sure his heart would have exploded out of his chest in that instant. “You… what? What is happening?”
“On Feros, there was so much death, so much rotting at the heart of that place, and it pissed me off. The Geth, Saren, they’ve fucked so much up in the galaxy already and it’s only been a few months. Those people suffered at their hands and under the control of the Thorian. But it made me realize something that losing Jenkins on Eden Prime should’ve. Life isn’t guaranteed and we need to find what happiness we can.” She took a few more cautious steps towards him as if he was a cornered animal. “I love you, Jeff.”
She stood in front of him now, blue eyes meeting his green ones, a gentle look on her face as she waited for him to react; to respond.
His cane clattered to the ground.
With shaking fingers, Joker reached out to touch the soft skin of her cheek, admiring how smooth it felt. It wasn’t the first time he’d touched her. Hell, they used to hold hands , but things had changed after joining the Normandy. Too much had changed, if he was being honest. Not all of it for the better it seemed.
Shepard leaned into his touch, a smile brightening her face. A smile that he was responsible for. He moved closer, memorizing every detail of her face. The galaxy was in chaos, but maybe… just maybe, things were going to be ok.