Chapter Text
Chapter 1: The student becomes the teacher
September 15, 2008- The Lower Elements, Haven City, Police Plaza
Holly Short, star child of the LEPRecon, had taken her promotion to major only after many negotiations and not a few threats from Commander Kelp. Among her demands were a substantial increase in pay, guaranteed visas to the surface on all scheduled vacations (no mean task, this one had to go all the way to the Council for approval, though it was given in light of her involvement with the Fowl/Koboi cases), a promise that no more than 50% of her work hours would be devoted to paperwork, and first choice on all but the most critical Reconnaissance assignments. In all, it was not a bad deal. If Trouble had deigned to mention the classes.
She should have remembered them. As a new recruit, Holly had been forced to attend three hours per week of "auxiliary" courses taught by an LEP major or higher. Of course, she had devoted this time to advanced weapons and piloting under Root and Vinyáya, but that had hardly registered as an extra course load to the energetic officer. The entire point of the classes was to expand on a fairy's natural abilities by having them focus on their strengths in a more rigorous setting. Thus, when Trouble Kelp approached her with her first one-hour block of class, including the topic he would expect her to cover until she was able to provide him with a subject more in line with her skills, she nearly throttled him.
"You can not be serious, Commander!" She sputtered, looking at the small data screen he'd handed to her. She held it at arms length, wanting to hand it back to her superior. "This looks like something that Corporal Frond should be doing. This is...a joke. Or an insult. Or-"
"That's an order, Major Short." Trouble had interrupted, pushing the tablet into her body until she was forced to take a step back. "You have one week to prepare. And make it good. I will be in attendance, to see how you measure up, and I'll be making Grub come along as my 'assistant.' Frond knows, he needs some pointers." Then, the Commander had sauntered off, effectively closing the conversation and trapping Holly into her orders.
Major Short had spent three days seething and then, following the fine example given to her by one Artemis Fowl II, she had spent the next four days plotting. When Commander Kelp, Corporal Kelp, and two dozen other LEP officers entered the Police Plaza classroom and saw Major Holly sitting calmly on one of the granite table tops, surrounded by a bevy of small, white boxes, smiling to the tips of her pointy ears, half of them suspected they were in for it. Except for Trouble. Trouble knew he was screwed.
"Please be seated, class. Two to a table, all of you facing the front, and no chatting. We have a lot to cover today, and I don't want to go over the hour. I'm not getting overtime if I do, and neither are you, so let's get going."
The Commander relaxed back in his chair, though he was the only fairy in attendance that was so calm. Even Grub, protected by his high-ranking brother, was sitting ram-rod straight. Although Grub had been a bit nervous around Holly since the escape of Opal Koboi from the J. Argon Institute. Given that she had chosen him as her first martial arts "training" opponent after returning to the LEP, and had proceeded to beat him black and blue every week for the next few months for "dereliction of duty resulting in Commander Root's death" (somewhat accurate, though Trouble did occasionally remind her that Grub had been sedated at the time, and it was Opal Koboi's plot and not a simple break out), until he had burst into tears one day during warm ups and had to be given a month's paid leave and extensive, rather expensive psychological therapy. And a desk job.
Holly waited until all were seated and focused on her (well, Grub was looking at his thumbs, which he was twiddling quite avidly) before sliding off the table and picking up an armful of the boxes. "No opening these until I say so," she chirruped, walking around the room and placing a box in front of every officer. "Very good. As you should all know by now, as a Major I have the task of imparting upon you the knowledge that I have collected in my time as a member of the LEP. The theme is normally chosen by the teacher themselves, but, as I was unprepared with a subject when approached by Commander Kelp, he was so kind as to provide me with the topic for my first classes until I gain approval for my own field." Here, she paused a second and actually glared at Trouble, then slammed his box down. There was another pause as Holly looked at the boxes before picking one out from the bottom of her armload, laying it in front of Grub. Trouble raised his eyebrows, noting that the lid of this box had a subtle, but visible tear in one corner, while all of the other boxes appeared to be in perfect shape. She had marked this one specifically for his little brother. He sighed inwardly and prepared himself for the formal complaints.
Holly finished her round and returned to the front of the room, flicking a switch to power up the lecture board. What could best be described as a Powerpoint (though Foaly would have gone off on a half-hour lecture on the various ways in which this program surpassed the Mud Man equivalent) was displayed, starting with Holly' name, the classroom number, and the date. All very standard, and that somehow made Trouble's sense of unease a bit worse. Holly and "standard" were not two words that should be included in the same breath. "Now, I would like to remind you all that I do not consider this topic to be an area I specialize in, so this lesson may not be what you are expecting. Still, I thank you all for attending 'Social Interaction 1054: Tips for the LEP officer on romantic interaction'. Or, as I like to call it, 'Ey, Holly. You're a girl. How do I get girls to sleep with me without putting any sort of effort into the relationship? 101'"
The room went dead silent, though several officers suspected they could hear a low growl forming in the throat of the Commander. The half that had recognized their precarious position on entering the room began to mentally write their report to the Council. 'Yes, sir. I knew something was wrong from the beginning, but I just couldn't make myself do anything. It was like I was mesmerized. Halfway through the lesson, she had the Commander's intestines laid out on the table and was smothering him with his own liver. It was horrible. And rather impressive. Can she be the new combat teacher?'
As if immune to the awkward silence, she barreled on, clicking to her next slide, which was simply a picture of a Recon helmet. "Apparently, there have been some issues among the male officers in the LEP pertaining to maintaining a romantic attachment. I must say, I find this rather shocking, given that you are all such a bunch of well-adjusted, charming, attractive males."
Only Grub failed to catch her sarcasm.
"I conducted a survey of female fairies outside of Police Plaza, and have compiled a list of their most common complaints about romantic partners from the LEP." This was an outright lie, and Trouble was aware of it. She had spent the last week fuming or occasionally cackling inside of her office. "Today, I will be providing a solution to every male member of the LEP. Everyone, you may now look through the supplies for this lesson." Simultaneously, all of the students opened their box, and a resounding silence once again settled over the room.
Inside the boxes, each fairy was now looking at a container of lotion.
Oh, Frond. This was exactly what she had said: "I will be providing a solution to every male member of the LEP."
Trouble could feel his blood pressure rising. Was she implying...no, even Holly wasn't that brash. But she was irate over her assignment, and she wasn't exactly excited over her promotion. She wouldn't be upset over a demotion, and this...was a rather quick way to get one. He began to stand, body shaking in rage. "Holly, I suggest we—"
"Step one," Holly projected over him, "I know you male LEP officers are a bit wary of doing this in public, so find a nice, private place."
"Major Short, this lesson is fast approaching—"
"Step two," she continued, squirting lotion onto one palm. "Get a portion sufficient for your purposes on your palm. A quarter-sized squirt should be sufficient."
"If you do not leave off immediately, I will—"
"Step three." Holly smiled, locking eyes with Trouble. "Rub it in, paying special attention to the tip, but using plenty on the top and inside."
"THAT'S IT, I...inside?"
And Holly began to moisturize her ears.
What followed was an hour-long lecture on the downsides of various LEP uniforms, including the tendency for helmets to chafe long fairy ears. At the end, Holly thanked the class for their attention and handed out a copy of her slideshow, along with further tips on combating the negative effects of LEP suits. The class stood as one, saluted, and exited.
"That wasn't...too bad." A befuddled pixie confessed, though the tilt of his ears said that he wasn't quite sure if he was right about that statement.
Grub piped in. "Oh, yes. I mean, you can see her point about the helmet thing. I just wish that Foaly could make a more ear-friendly model. He can add every sort of sensor under the Earth, but a simple fan, please?" He sighed, and Trouble was glad his brother was behind a desk now, his ears safe from future injury, and Trouble's desk safe from another pound of written complaints. "Although...I do wish she had explained why she gave us tissues, as well."
All but Grub blinked for several seconds and there was an uncomfortable silence. 'Don't say a word, any of you,' Trouble thought, wishing to Frond that he could spontaneously develop telepathy, 'or I will demote you to private for so long that you'll be saluting your grandkids.' Either the other fairies heard him or they were smart enough to make the connection themselves and remain silent.
The corporal put his hands into the box and rubbed the tissues between his fingers. "And so soft, too."
Trouble stopped in his tracks and turned on his heel, his hand snapping to his forehead. Moments later, the snickering males had all copied his pose, returning the salute. "Well, a good class, boys. Dismissed, go home, and remember to take this seriously." Of course, he didn't exactly mean Holly's lesson. His hand snapped back down and all of the officers, Grub included, scattered.
Seconds later, Holly flounced ('Dear Frond, since when did the Major flounce?') out of the classroom, carrying the last few boxes in her left arm, along with a small data tablet. She snapped to attention and saluted Trouble, who responded automatically before starting in on his own lecture.
"D'Arvit, Major Short, I have half a mind to—"
"Take a look at my proposed lecture topic and class outline?" She interrupted, shoving the tablet against his chest, the unnerving smile from an hour before back in place.
The Commander glared, but tapped the tablet on and looked through the file. "A study of the combat techniques of Butler, with an emphasis on its usage in protecting fairies in an above-ground environment." Not bad...and the outline, which included links to several videos of the bodyguard in action, was much better planned than any other he had seen so far. If Holly hadn't been LEP, she would have made an incredible professor. "This is well done, Holly, but we need to talk about—"
Holly stood on the tips of her toes, leaning over slightly to whisper directly in Trouble's ears. The uninformed would have sworn that she was whispering the location for a lover's tryst. "Next week, I'll be covering what Grub can use the tissues for."
"LESSON PLAN APPROVED!" Trouble roared, handing the tablet back, saluting one last time, and conducting a tactical retreat. Now he understood how Julius had gotten the nickname "Beet Root": smug officers like Holly.
Next time on Fowl Shorts: Mulch and Doodah argue, Holly is welcomed home, and N°1 learns to never tease the elf.